Bugle 4014 – How bad can it get in a week?

This is the Bugle.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4014 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a remorselessly visual world and this planet's one remaining hope of salvation.

I'm sorry, I'm just hearing we have been downgraded.

We are, in fact, just background noise in the slide to oblivion.

Sorry, I'm already talking this up, am I?

I'm Andy Zoltzmann, third in line to the throne of America.

It's nearly true.

I am live in Cock Lane.

That is Cock Lane in the city of London, rather than the Washington DC street, formerly known as Pennsylvania Avenue.

Back in the studio in Cock Lane,

we've recorded here a few times before,

and as previously discussed on a bugle some time ago,

this famous street gave the world the scandal of the Cock Lane Ghost Fraud of 1762.

Back when you could make up bullshit like a ghost called Scratching Fanny

and get away with it, and people didn't mind.

And just around the corner from where John Bunyan, the platinum-selling 17th century Methodist author and pin-up, bopped his clogs in 1688.

Good move, Bunyan.

You're well out of this mess.

And joining me here within a stone's throw of St.

Paul's Cathedral, if you've got a tidy throwing arm and an aerodynamic stone and you get a favourable ricochet off a couple of buildings, back from his latest intercontinental jaunt.

It is the Marco Polo of moaning about politics, the Vasco da Gama of vocalising dagripes, the Walter Raleigh of whinging about the right wing,

the Christopher Columbus of constitutional complaining, the Leif Erickson of lefty earbending.

Sorry, I've not taught this up either.

Moving into third place in the all-time most frequent buglers, good luck getting into the top spots, it is Nish Kumar.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

Welcome back.

So you've been...

You've yo are clocking up the continents.

Yeah, I'm really, for someone who spends a lot of time banging on about people's responsibility with regards to climate change, my carbon footprint is Yeti-sized this year.

I got back from Brazil

about

six hours ago.

Right.

And I've had about five coffees.

Well, good.

So this could be an interesting bugle, Andy.

Traditional bugle prep.

Also, background noise in the slide into oblivion is surely a futures Osma child title.

That

is absolutely masterful stuff.

I will make a note of that.

So how was

How was Brazil?

Brazil was amazing, Andy.

Yeah,

I've been in Brazil in the sort of depths of the rainforest with the Civante tribe.

and it was an amazing experience.

What was this a kind of logging expedition?

It's my plan to recolonize the south of America.

Seeing as the north of that continent is

in a bit of a pickle.

Oh just restart.

Start the American experiment again in a sparsely populated part of the world.

Yeah, just hit control alt delete on America.

It's worth a go.

We were with the Cervante tribe and they

obviously we don't speak the same language as them, so you would think communication would be quite hard.

And buglers will be familiar with the fact that I've got quite a distinctive laugh.

It's frequently been described as infectious and not in a good way.

And it turned out that

we found out on the second day that we were there that they had had a village meeting and top of the agenda was discuss that guy's weird laugh.

And

They basically had a discussion about what my laugh sounded like, and they came down to either a bird or a banshee, but one with good intentions.

So it turns out that in Brazil, Andy, I'm basically Casper the friendly ghost.

Right.

That should be that could be your title.

So

you're filming this kind of globetrotting.

It's a show.

Yeah, that's right.

We spent some time with the tribes, and my friend Joel Domit participates in their kind of physically demanding traditions, and I am his sassy sidekick.

Yeah, but of course, you know, the most physically demanding tradition in Brazil is football.

And that's, you know, inevitably this conversation is going to go that way.

Did you play football?

We did play football.

How did that go, Fionish?

I've seen Joel Domit play football, and

well, he's got an engine.

He does have an engine.

He doesn't major on finesse.

I think I can say that.

I've not seen you play, but I'm very keen to see you play football.

But how did it go?

Well, Joel actually has a theory that all of the comedians that play football play football in the same way that we do comedy.

So Joel considers himself to be sort of, you know, persistent and energetic.

And he's not wrong with me because I am wildly inconsistent and am often found on the left wing.

Boom.

But we did play football.

Let me tell you how deep.

Brazilians are good at football.

Right.

And we went up against a team of Brazilians.

And when I say Brazilians, I mean

girls aged between 7 to 12 from the village who were kicking a ball around.

We thought, well, we'll have a go.

And everyone was sort of like, well, you know, let's take it at half speed.

They're only children.

And within about five minutes of the game, a seven-year-old girl had beaten three of our best men with a string of Zidane-style pirouettes.

We had a shot that we thought was definitely going in until one of the more defensively minded players cleared it off the line with her head.

And my personal low point came when I was faced with the task of defending against probably the smallest player on their team.

I reckon she was probably about seven years old.

And she was also wearing a My Little Pony t-shirt as if to accentuate

the age gap.

And she was coming at me.

Andy, I was doing my duty.

I'm predominantly an attacking player, but I was putting a shift in.

I was getting back.

I was covering my fullback.

And she was coming towards me.

I've gone side on, trying to show her down the line.

Everything's under control.

Until this girl scooped the ball over my head and ran around me in the manner of Paul Gascoyne versus Colin Hendry in Euro 96.

Right.

Wow.

Brazilians are good at football.

Until they get to a World Cup semi-final.

We just didn't play German enough.

Yeah, you've got to put it.

It's all about the structure.

And how is Brazil's reaction to

Donald Trump so far?

Because I mean, there can't be many nations in the world that Brazil can look at politically and think they're but for the grace of God.

It's actually hard to say because the bit of Brazil that I was in

with the Chavante did not have the internet and I was unable to get a phone signal.

And I was there on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

And they were the happiest days of your life.

They were the happiest days.

They were the happiest I've been in a long time.

And I thought, well, this is perfect.

I've sort of managed to dodge all of the inauguration.

But then obviously on Tuesday, when I returned to a hotel with the internet, I then overloaded.

Oh, dear.

Like, it was absolutely, it was pure.

pure news and I was not ready for it.

I then spent most of the rest of Wednesday instead of sightseeing in Sao Paulo, just sat in the corner of my room shivering.

This is issue 4014 of the Bugle, the newscast that uncovered post-facts, alternative facts and anti-facts before all the big cheeses jumped on the bullshit bandwagon.

We were here first telling it like it isn't or telling it like it wasn't, which it now is.

This is the week beginning, the bugle for the week beginning Monday the 30th of January 2017.

On this day in 1649, only 368 years ago, just down the road from here and a bit further on to Whitehall, King Charles I,

old Chucky Chop Chop himself, the inventor of, amongst other things, the Spaniel Dog and the 1980s mullet hairdo.

Well, he went one-nil down in his classic king versus axe confrontation, quickly became King Charles the Dead, executed on a balcony outside Banqueting House on Whitehall.

Now, I did an after-dinner job in Banqueting House last year, and it was in the room outside which King Charles I was

beheaded.

And

it had a very echoey acoustic.

Sure.

And it made me think that you know that people when you have your head chopped off, you have those couple of moments of consciousness

before you are mercifully taken away by the Reaper.

Now,

if that window had been open that day,

it must have been pretty galling for him with that echoey acoustic, that probably the very last thing he heard during his

few moments of consciousness after the axe fell was the echo of himself saying, ow, that's Dick.

As always, section off the bugle going straight in the bin.

Our sales of colouring books for adults slow down.

We look at the next infantile crazes set to sweep the retail world.

There's a new app from the parenting apps developer apparently.

an app called Mummy Special One, which is an auto-cooing app, which runs in the background of your mobile devices 24-7 and 365.

And whenever it detects you doing something to an acceptable standard, it lovingly coos at you like the proud parent of a little baby.

I've got it on my phone here.

Here's a few examples of how it reacts.

Do you complete a tax return?

Haven't you done well?

Yes, you have.

Yes, you have.

Here's what happens if you do an adequate presentation at work.

You tried really hard and that's the important thing.

Well done.

What happens if you send an email?

Good boy and or girl.

You're a good boy and or girl.

Or eaten a meal without more than 20% of it ending up on the floor or your face.

Your mummy's clever boy, aren't you?

Mummy's so proud proud of you.

Or perform a basic bodily function.

Look at you.

Aren't you beautiful?

So there you go, something to,

yeah,

we're all reverting to childhood.

Yeah, but I'm afraid that would do nothing for me, Andy.

That bears no resemblance to the way that I was raised.

If I had that app, I'd just need it to react to everything I did with just the phrase, I wish you'd been a doctor.

Top story this week, it's the end of the world as we know it, and I don't feel fine.

I'm actually very concerned.

Andy,

last Friday saw the inauguration of Donald Trump, a man whose IMDb page contains the credits Home Alone 2 Lost in New York, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and Ghosts Don't Do It, a film about a man who kills himself after a heart attack, wrecks his body, but then comes back as a ghost and convinces his wife to pick and kill a younger man in order for Scott to possess his body.

body.

We can now add inauguration of the 45th President of the United States to that IMDb list.

And the part that he was playing was president, as opposed to the part that he played in the inauguration of the 44th president, where he played the part of racist man screaming at his television.

And what a part that was, Andy.

We all remember his classic catchphrases: show me the birth certificate.

And frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn where that black guy says he was born.

Yeah, well,

we recorded last week, literally literally hours after the inauguration.

I heard it.

It sounded pained.

It was pained.

I mean, you were safely ensconced in the jungle by the sounds of it.

Which is basically where about

six and a half billion people wanted to be at the time.

I did have to, because I, in order to execute that joke, which I think we can all agree I did so flawlessly, I knew Home Alone 2, but I had to go on his IMDb page to find out some other things that he'd been in.

That's where I found Ghost Don't Do It to be the TH Witch.

And when I went on his IMDB page, it's the about me, about the artist, and I use that word in inverted commas, section says that Donald Trump was born on June the 14th, 1946 in New York City as Donald John Trump.

He is a producer and actor best known for The Apprentice, The Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump and Fox and Friends.

Which is a real burn on the presidency.

And then in the nickname section, the nicknames that they've got listed are The Don, The Donald, The Trumpster, DJT, and the President of the United States of America.

He has finally updated his website.

I'm not in a position to criticise people for

not updating their websites, but at the moment of the inauguration on Trump.com, the biography page did not mention the fact that he was about to become president of the United States.

It has now been

updated.

The final paragraph now reads,

Mr.

Trump officially announced his candidacy for the presidency of the United States on June the 16th, 2015.

On the 20th of January 2017, Mr.

Trump was sworn in as the 45th President and turned over the management of the Trump organization to his eldest sons, Donald Jr.

and Eric.

Which

follows on now from, I mean, that is considered only worth putting in at the end of his autobiography after Mr.

Trump has been recognised by Golf Digest magazine as golf's greatest builder today

and by Sports Illustrated as the most important figure in the world of golf.

But look, there's plenty of examples of U.S.

presidents with unusual CVs before they came into office.

Jimmy Carter was a peanut farmer.

Ronald Reagan starred in a series of films with a chim called Bonzo.

And Calvin Coolidge actually used to roll around with a tiger.

It's a little Calvin and Hobstruck there.

Very good.

Quite early on in the year.

Very good.

In the Bugle.

So let's disregard that for a second and see where we're at after a week of the Trump presidency.

And the answer is on the precipice of total Armageddon.

In his first week, he has had a Twitter meltdown, signed an order mandating the removal of funding for any organization that supports abortions, tried to stop all refugees from Syria coming into the country, stopping all refugees full stop.

He's also promised to publish a weekly list of crimes committed by immigrants and then demanded that Mexico pay for a border wall, which caused the Mexican president to cancel his proposed trip to the United States of America.

At this point, his first week in office sounds less like the actions of the leader of the free world and more like the lyrics to an updated version of Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire.

Refugees go yourselves, women need to shut their mouths.

Going on a Twitter rat antagonizing Mexico, we didn't start the fire.

Well, I mean, you say we're closer to Armageddon.

The doomsday clock, a symbolic clock clock face that represents quite how close we are to global catastrophe.

It's been maintained since 1947

by a load of scientists, that rather discredited social group.

They have

moved the minute hand forward.

We're now just two and a half symbolic minutes away from

Armageddon

since Trump.

He's been very busy.

He's stood up for the ordinary American rust belt worker who got him into power by

trying to accelerate the heat death of the planet and above all by stopping women in Africa having access to birth control.

Key issues in the former industrial heartlands of the United States.

All those voters who went to the ballot box in November thinking I've been left behind by the pitilessly amoral myopia of modern global capitalism, by the tycoons and billionaires who care not for the livelihoods of others.

If only, somehow, our political system would recognise this and slash funding to crucial women's health services in the developing world.

If only.

As long as I know those Rwandan women cannot get advice on family planning, then the urban desolation and decay I live in will all seem worthwhile.

Trump has fulfilled the wishes of his voters.

Fair play to him.

There's been a lot of talk about the lack of basic competence in the handover between Obama to Trump.

There was a big scandal yesterday because a whole number of people in the State Department left.

Now, that's not uncommon because those are largely political appointments.

The problem is, there are no replacements lined up, and as such, there is no Secretary of State in America.

So, there's been a lot of issues about basic competence.

So, you would think Sean Spicer, press secretary, face of the administration, is going to be keeping, you know, doing his best to put his best face forward.

Unfortunately, yesterday

he tweeted this:

N9Y25AH7.

Now, God, that's not a nuclear code.

That was the immediate concern of everyone.

The immediate concern was, was this a nuclear code?

It was quickly deleted, but not before, obviously, everyone on Twitter had screen grabbed it.

So the implication is clearly that that was his Twitter password.

But more concernedly, was it the nuclear code?

And we are now in a situation where the best case scenario is that the press secretary of the President of America has no idea how to use a computer.

The press secretary of America is showing the same level of competence as your grandmother.

A number of other actions by Trump.

I mean, there's been a lot of talk about the wall with Mexico.

He said,

obviously, he said throughout the campaign, Mexico is going to pay for it, and all his supporters said Mexico is going to pay for it.

So there's a democratic mandate there.

They've shouted it at rallies.

The only difficulty is how to get get Mexico to pay for it.

Because

there's a number of options.

How do you get someone to pay for a $25 billion war that they don't want?

It's a difficult thing.

I mean, option one, ask nicely.

Can't really be seen to do that.

That is not what people voted for.

Option two, ask not nicely, which they have tried, and Mexico said no.

Option three is do it covertly using taxes.

Now, this seems to be what they're now going to try to do.

But the problem is, you know, raising import taxes on Mexican goods, it's just not as satisfying, is it?

Where is the dick-swinging political triumph in gradually collecting a new 20% import tax or cutting aid programmes from Mexico?

America wants to see the full 25 billion handed over either on a giant novelty check or preferably in a massive briefcase filled with non-sequential $20 bills.

Plus, you then have to factor in the knock-on impact, essentially meaning that America will be indirectly paying Mexico to indirectly pay America for the wall.

Option four is just pretend.

And I think this is their best option.

The American public has shown itself to be credulous of bullshit.

All it needs to do, and politics is 99% psychological these days, Nish.

Yeah.

All he needs to do is come out one day, Trump, and say, yeah, I saw President Payne and Nieto yesterday

and he just forked up.

gave me 25 billion, did it by PayPal, so we're all sorted.

And I think, no, that would make America happy.

I mean, that's basically what he's done through the campaign and in the first week of his presidency.

I mean, it's either one of those options or it's going to be the mother of all Kickstarters.

And they are going to have to have some huge rewards for those bits.

Or looking at the way the Mets can play football, it's going to have to be an overhead Kickstarter.

Oh, buglers.

I wish you could see the amount of pride in Andy's eyes right now.

The spirit of Hugo Sanchez lives on.

Option five, got this compromise.

And get get Mexico to build the wall and pay for it, but in return for that, they will have to then return to the Mexican border of 1824.

This basic would lose about 40% of the USA.

But, you know, as long as they do it, that's all that counts.

Many Mexicans

view the wall as, quotes, unnecessary, inhumane, expensive, and ineffective.

And Trump has responded to this by saying, you forgot counterproductive.

Still, four out of five ain't bad.

Take that meatloaf, beat you by 13.3%.

Beyond the politics and whatever you may think about Trump, it does seem like the administration has got off to a bad start just in terms of basic competence.

They didn't start well because they got bogged down in an argument over how many people with the inauguration.

There's been various rumblings of discontent by White House staffers who say that there's no plan in place.

And this is the danger when you elect someone with absolutely no political experience.

This is the problem when you go for the Maverick, the anti-politics anti-politics candidate.

It's a little bit like something Aristotle once said.

I can't believe this shit.

What the f were you thinking?

If you elect a c with no fing experience and expect that he'll be moderated by a group of people around him who are as big, if not bigger, c than him, of course everything is going to be fed.

Very wise man, Aristotle.

Wise man.

That's, I mean, a slightly overenthusiastic translation, if I recall from my days studying.

Yeah, it's less a translation and more a performance art piece I called there goes the green card.

Torture is back as well.

Has it ever been away?

He's

got nostalgia comes in many forms, but you wouldn't have thought it would necessarily be for waterboarding.

Although, to be fair, the CIA quiz team absolutely never loses.

I had a guest spot on the CIA quiz team once, and it was amazing how many number one hits from the 1950s I could remember when I was under the pump.

They get the best out of you.

Yeah, well, I was trying to get my kids' school to teach pupils how to waterboard themselves during exams.

But of course the naysayers and the snowflakes say they won't get the right answer.

But I say it's better to get something down on paper rather than leave it blank.

Classic whinging millennials.

That's right.

And that's one of the things people say that sceptics that torture victims don't always tell the truth under pain-assisted interrogation.

And it does make you wonder, what the f have they've been doing to Sean Spicer behind the scenes.

He must have been through hell.

If Donald Trump is really interested in torturing people, then I would advise instead of doing things like waterboarding, he just hands over transcripts of his own speeches and just demands that people read them verbatim.

Because just someone who sat, tried to read the whole of the transcripts of his interview with ABC this week, it is maddening.

Within sort of about three minutes of starting to read that thing, I would happily have fessed up all my bank details and claimed responsibility for the Great Fire of London.

Well, yeah, I mean, inauguration on a loop.

That will,

I'll tell you, if they put that up in Guantanamo, just like, say, right, hey everyone, film night.

Just

big screen, big screen on the basketball court, whatever they've got there, wherever they have the meetings in Guantanamo.

I'm a bit out of the loop.

I'd just put Trump's inauguration on an endless loop.

They would basically have confessions to every crime, as you say, dating back to the 1660s.

I'm really enjoying your version of what you think happens to quantitative

Phil Knight, basketball courts.

Yeah, Brussels, isn't it?

Bloody human rights.

Thank God we finally Brexited all that nonsense.

I think an alternative form of torture, you should be forced to follow 10,000 teenagers on Facebook.

I reckon that would work within about three days.

Or copy out each of Donald Trump's tweets a hundred times like a naughty schoolboy.

Trump's trying to justify his attitude towards terrorism by sort of describing some of the atrocities that ISIS commits and saying when ISIS is doing things that nobody has heard of since medieval times, would I feel strongly about waterboarding?

And I don't know about you, Nish, but I find it extremely reassuring to have finally have a president who calibrates his moral barometer to ISIS.

That's, you know, maybe, I hope that's the base level, but.

Also, I didn't realise ISIS were doing things for medieval times.

That suggests we're going to win this conflict far easier than I thought we were going to.

They've just got bow and arrows.

Well, yes.

I can't remember if I mentioned this on the people before.

I think Paul Ryan suggested bombing them back to the Stone Age.

And I'm pretty sure you would have to bomb ISIS forward to the Stone Age.

Trump went on to say, I've spoken with people at the highest level of intelligence and I asked them the question, does it work?

Does torture work?

And the answer was, yes, absolutely.

Now, can you take my testicles out of that clamp, do my fingernails back on, and turn that fing dripping tap off, please, Mr.

President.

So there's a number of different...

It couldrture techniques.

Become a commentator on the seniors golf tour for a season.

That must be pretty disparaging.

Or come to every single one of my UK tour gigs.

Starting in Bristol.

Next Thursday, the 2nd of February.

Bristol is nearly sold out.

Huge, huge in Bristol.

That's great.

Other gigs on the tour, less nearly sold out.

What are we talking?

What are the trouble spots?

I wonder if it intersects with some of Cobar's spicier gigs.

Richmond.

Richmond, Yorkshire, that is.

Oh, Richmond, Yorkshire, right?

The Georgian Theatre, or 10th of February, come along.

Other dates you might be interested in, Leeds on the 4th, Leicester on the 9th, Richmond, I said on the 10th, Petersburg, the 11th, Colchester, 16th, Corsham, 17th, Milton, Keynes, 18th, Salford, 19th, and others.

Andy'soltsom.co.uk.

Are you RO?

I've just managed to get a plug into jokes about torture.

That is the kind of ruthless commercialism that I've built my career on.

But it's not what you would call an ideal vibe, self-promotion-wise, to lead into it by going, speaking of torture,

my comedy.

Roll up, roll up.

You know, it has been a rough week and

there is something I read that suggests that a lot of people have simply given up because this week, sales of George Orwell's 1984 have gone through the roof.

A couple of quick things here.

It does suggest that, you know, a lot of people are just now thinking, well, it's all over.

We may as well try and find out how you actually get along under one of these regimes.

But also, it does make me think, left-wing people, we are a parody of ourselves.

Because when faced with Trump, instead of thinking, well, let's sort of, you know, think about what practical measures we could do to try and stop this stuff happening.

We've all gone, fetch me a novel.

for through literature shall I understand.

Well, also, on the side of

Orwell,

scientists have obviously jumped on this bandwagon as well, because I was just reading that they've created a human-pig hybrid.

That's right, yeah.

So Orwell has all the race these days.

It's been a huge week for George Orwell.

Authoritarianism, talking pigs.

As part of that

lengthy, rambling and completely finging incoherent interview Donald Trump gave to ABC News, he said something quite extraordinary.

He was talking about how dangerous the world is right now as a justification for some of his more draconian policies.

And he actually said this, the world is as angry as it gets.

Now, that is a big claim, given that there have literally been two world wars.

I mean, I would advise Donald Trump not necessarily to comb through a history book, but at least maybe watch 35 minutes of saving Private Ryan.

Absolutely incredible.

He's a f ⁇ ing idiot.

Well, a quick update on how it's actually going.

Because obviously the main goal of Trump is to make America great again.

M-A-G-A.

Currently, America is scoring 16.58 on the greatness scale.

And we'll keep you updated with their score as the journey towards greatness continues.

Maybe

we've all missed Trump's whole thing.

And maybe Trump is attempting to make America great again because he believes America was at its peak in the sort of prehistoric era.

And he's trying to drag America back to a time where only dinosaurs could survive on it.

Yes.

Well, yeah, I mean, yeah.

It's too much, Nish.

I've injured myself psychologically.

Oh, Andy, you look so sad.

Over the last week by watching too much news and, above all, reading too many below-the-line comments on news stories.

We never do that.

Basically, like gazing into the open throat of the devil.

Um

Andy, you're on particularly poetic thought today.

Thanks, Nick.

It's like doing a podcast with William Blake.

Also, Andy is naked and up a tree.

A little joke there for William Blake fans in the house.

It's a bit mainstream, mate.

I've got to appeal to the masses these days, haven't we?

I think I've got to have a week off Trump next week on the bugle.

He's already,

since becoming president, ticked off all seven deadly sins and contravened all ten commandments, I believe.

I mean, without wishing to be too coarse, he's definitely had a wank in the Oval Office.

There is simply no way.

I give it, I reckon he lasted 45 minutes before he dismissed absolutely everyone.

I mean, the good news for him is that he hasn't hired any fing staff, so it's not like anyone was going to come knocking.

Definitely knocked one out.

Thank you for...

I mean, it did probably has raised the tone of the Trump presidency, to be honest.

Also,

he's going to come down hard on voter fraud.

Yeah, that's right.

Which you can understand is a big issue after he somehow became president despite the will of the American people.

Brackets, see accompanying footnotes.

But it's good that when allegations this series have been made about voter fraud, he, as president, has a duty to investigate them, particularly when those allegations come from a source as high up as the president of America himself.

So it's good that he's basically investigating his own

crazed ramblings.

Yeah, it's the perfect crime.

Last weekend, there were marches around the world.

I don't know if there was one in the Brazilian jungle for you to join in.

Unfortunately, it was

not a march.

Millions of people, over 4 million in the US alone, around 200,000 in London, depending on whose numbers you believe.

I went on the

London march last week,

the women's march,

and

I took my kids along, and

well, I say I took my kids along, my wife took my kids and me along.

She tricked me saying that you were all off to watch cricket.

There were some

banners that were

slightly crudely expressed

when accompanied by small children, including one that said,

If abortion is murder, then blowjobs are cannibalism.

And

I can't remember, I lost slightly lost count of the number of times I used the term ask your mother when

one of my children.

To be fair to that person, they were just quoting from some of the deleted verses from Rudyard Kipling's if

just a bit of poetry of an afternoon.

But yeah, so we basically smashed the patriarchy-niche.

Yeah, that's right.

My daughter, who's 10,

she

said, she told me I was too childish to be a patriarch.

And I'd like to pick her up on that.

I'd say I'm not too childish to be a patriarch.

I say I am just the wrong kind of childish.

Because I don't think anyone gets more childish than Donald Trump, King Patriarch of the Patriarchy.

I just have the wrong kind of childishness.

We are just absolutely cranking out potential show titles or names for your autobiography.

Too childish to be a patriarch.

That is, I expect to see that on bookshelves in 2018.

It was

quite an inspiring day.

Yeah, how was the money?

Huge crowds,

very good atmosphere, very positive,

certainly in London and across the world.

It looked to me very much like a dignified, collective expression of democratic opinion, highlighting entirely justifiable concerns and expressing global solidarity in a time of anger and uncertainty.

But it turns out, having read some of the newspaper reports and in particular below the line of pins, I was wrong and it was in fact a rabble of rabid feminists trying to destroy democracy and everything we hold dear.

So

I just clearly got it wrong.

My girlfriend was on that march and she is an absolute feminist.

She is absolutely, she despises all men

and does not allow me to vote for decisions that are made in my own house.

I'm a slave, Andy.

Some people said, what was the point of this march?

What was it going to achieve?

And Trump did not instantly resign, as everyone on that march clearly thought he was going to.

Therefore, it was pointless.

A quick update from last week.

We had a special two-clue presidential cryptic crossword.

I can now give the answers.

One across the clue was

solution two words, six letters and five letters.

Obviously, perverted new White House resident goes for some sodomy switches O for a gets between two large breasts that's the start then more arse the solution of course Donald Trump

Do you want the explanation?

Okay,

so the solution is obviously perverted new White House resident that's the answer goes for some sodomy so that is anal with the O switch for the A to make the onal of Donald between two large breasts double D that's the start that's the first letter of the word that then more arse rump

and one down, president, American leader confused after getting the fourth and fifth prostitutes to get mixed up with endless dirty P's.

Solution president.

So you have Donald Trump across president down.

So that's American leader, president.

Can confused after getting the fourth and fifth prostitutes.

I'm trying to remember how this worked now.

So that's the letters S and T

mixed up with

endless dirty P, so that's the

D I R T and P E E with the

fourth and fifth letters of the word prostitutes.

There we go.

That was time badly spent.

Andy, it might be the jet lag talking, but I have no fing idea what's going on right now.

Your emails now, and this came in from Chris, Mandy, and Noah,

who write on the subject Halloween update now.

And they say, hey, hey, Andy, and whichever hero is hosting with you this week.

Ahoy.

Long time listener and first time emailer.

I thought I'd let you have an update about my family life.

Thanks very much, Chris.

That's delightful.

During this year's Halloween, I presume you mean last year's Halloween, unless Halloween has been moved, my partner Mandy and I were fed up of kids knocking on the door and asking for sweets.

This constant barrage of knocks also woke up our four-month-old,

which Mandy started to get royally pissed off about.

So she decided to take matters into her own hands.

She made a scarecrow out of some of my old clothes and stuck a picture of Andy's face on it

with a sign saying, Buy your own candy.

I don't know why she used Andy's face, but when I asked her, she said that he looked like an angry clown.

Anyway, keep up the good work.

I'm honoured.

Absolutely honoured.

I can't believe there's so much to enjoy in that email.

So much to enjoy.

Also, buy your own candy is actually a line from Quentin Tarantino's upcoming remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

You cast Samuel L.

Jackson as Willie Wonka.

That's what's going to happen.

I can't believe they used your face.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, who would you have used?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, I'm assuming they accessorised it with my laugh.

I think I would have used an entire printout of Article 50.

Just pin it.

Pin it like Martin Luther.

Dang, dang, dang.

This came in from Madeline.

Dear Andy, as a longtime American bugler, I was excited to be finally on the right side of the Atlantic to catch your Soho show.

When I told my mother later how much I'd enjoyed the show, she exclaimed how happy she was that I'd gotten to see my quotes, role model.

Now, neither you nor I signed you up for that title.

It's up to you if you wish to claim it, but I should warn you, it's a poisoned apple.

The last person to hold the title of my role model was Joan of Arc, who was famously roasted by her British critics before flaming out.

I believe she was roasted on the basis that she was Madeline's role model as well.

And finishes with a nice little pun with the success of the Bugle at Stake.

I wouldn't wish to be the Rouen of it.

The Rouen, the city in France,

where I believe she was Joan of Arc executed in Rouen.

Let's check.

I was going to say, is that not a double pun?

Because she's also used the stake of the

because Joan of Arc was burnt at the stake, wasn't she?

Yes.

It's a compound pun.

Oh, God, yes, it is.

Steak and ruin.

God, that's superb.

It's very unlike you for a pun to fly under your radar, Andy.

You really must be off with all this Trump and Brexit stuff.

She died in Rouen in Normandy, so there you go.

Wow.

Steak and ruin.

Keep your emails coming in to hellobuglers at thebuglepodcast.com unless you are spam, in which case, don't.

It's getting quite annoying.

Right, that is it for this week's bugle.

Don't forget to come to all of my tour shows wherever you live, particularly if you live in Richmond.

Nish, anything to plug?

Yes, I'm doing some shows that I'm I'm just gonna do.

I'm in Glasgow on Monday,

the 30th, Edinburgh on the Tuesday, and then Aberdeen on the Wednesday.

And then Oxford on the Thursday.

Right.

Is that the Oxford gig that we thought might have been cancelled?

The Phantom gig.

It's back on.

That was back on.

Yeah, it's back on.

Yeah, so I've got those dates.

And then

I've got some others, but I can't be.

There we go.

Thank you, Buglers.

We'll be back.

There will be a show next week.

I don't know if it'll be a full show yet or not, but there will be something next week.

Then after that, it'll be Anuvab Powell in London, live in London for

the first time.

Thanks, Nish, once again for joining us.

And yeah,

I think we will lay off Brexit and Trump for a bit and just see what happens and come back to it in like 100 years with the icy prism of objective history.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.