A Bugle update

This is a podcast from thebuglepodcast.com

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers!

No, it's not, it's not that yet, but it will, it will be soon, very soon, sooner than you might think, actually, slightly less soon than you might think, 21st of October.

But that's now the official relaunch date.

Yep.

I am Andy Zoltzman, the remaining half of the bugle as it was, talking to you live from present-day London.

You want me to prove it?

Right, here you are.

Here's today's newspaper.

Is that good enough for you?

You want a story from it?

Okay, I'll try and pick one that won't upset you.

Right.

Well, the sport's going well.

There.

Proof that it is indeed September 2016.

So, how the devil are you, buglers?

One at a time, please.

Good, good.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Good.

I hope you've all had a lovely summer and it hasn't been too badly spoiled by basically everything in the world actually and or potentially going disastrously wrong.

It'll all blow over in a few hundred years or so, just like when the Romans invaded Britain and we all thought they'd never leave.

It's fine now.

Besides, we'll all be dead in a hundred years, and we'll have a good laugh about it then.

Firstly, I have news on the relaunch of um what was it?

I was going to relaunch.

Uh, oh, this, yes, uh, the bugle, uh, the bugle podcast.

Sorry, it's it's it's been a while.

Bugle Phase 2 will be happening in the week ending the 21st of October.

That is as close to a guarantee as I can give, which is, yep, pretty close.

Pretty, very close.

Very close.

It's a guarantee.

It's, yeah, nearly.

I'm nearly 100%.

Yeah, I'm not selling this very well.

Admittedly, that is not quite as soon as I had A hoped, B promised, and C bet on.

Honestly, I thought it had mid to late September written all over it, and I and I had insider info.

But there are a number of logistical things to sort out before we resume bugling as we sort out the transfer uh you will not have to update your your feet feet Chris Chris yes uh fill me in on the on the technical stuff people don't have to do it's all gonna keep people don't need to do nothing

okay good good advice for the world there Chris Chris will we'll be continuing on the bugle journey if I don't have to keep cancelling my diary and then rebooking

so it should all work as before before if the internet is all it's cracked up to be still have my doubts personally it's got all the hallmarks of a passing fad i'd say invest in slate quills and papyrus that is my sound financial advice there will be a further announcement on this feed in a couple of weeks when i will let you all know exactly how where who when and why the new bugle phase is going to work uh whom we'll be working with in the new era and the early roster of guests uh secondly thanks to everyone who came to my edinburgh fringe show in august which scored 87.3 on the zolt scale um i don't know what that means i've just made it it up.

But people seem to enjoy it, and that's the important thing.

And if you were one of the very few people in the world who did not come to see my show in Edinburgh, I assume there are, there's about 3,000 people in the world, aren't there?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, there's a little clip coming up for you as a little treat.

Thirdly, listen up, America.

I'm on my way.

Andy Zoltzman comes to America.

The year is 2016.

Britain has voted for Brexit, and Britain is now wondering what Brexit is and whether it should have asked properly first.

America is watching Hillary Clinton, as frail as a frozen leaf on a moonlit porcupine, take on the indestructible Leviathan, the surely immortal Donald Trump.

Could it really be that, come November, the Septuagintarian shameless shit-stirrer, the prating pensioner, the crackpot codger will be elected to take control of the world's largest collection of nuclear weapons?

Strap-in world.

And the world is sitting back and wondering to itself, how the f ⁇ has all this happened?

But luckily for America, there is one man who can make it all go away.

Andy Zoltzman is bringing satirists for hire to the United States.

That's me, but I'm using this in the third person.

Anyway, keep the music going.

It'll sound good.

Just when America needs it most.

The uniquely interactive satirical show which will field your questions, lampoon your nation and if requested, chuck in the odd pun.

Please send in your satirical requests to satirize this at satiristforhyat.com.

And I think I've even set up satirize this so you can spell it in the wrong American way.

I reckon you can ease off on the music now, Chris.

Let's not overplay it.

Let's go through the dates.

I'll begin on the 24th of September, next Saturday in Washington, D.C., at the 6th and I.

That's right.

I am starting my US tour in a synagogue.

That's an actual synagogue, not a pretend synagogue.

Now, obviously, this might bring things to a fairly abrupt close, but assuming I am not struck down instantly by a vengeful lord, Satirist Vahai will then be in New York City at the Grammar Sea on the 28th of September, Saturday the 28th.

That's also assuming my sensational Abraham Lincoln impression does not go down too accurately at the DC gig.

After New York on the 28th, satirizing moves from September to October.

And what a month for satire that is, especially every fourth year in America which this is it's exactly four years since October 2012 in America of course and on the second Sunday the 2nd of October I'll be at the punch line in Philadelphia then to Chicago home of the Cubs baseball's best team of 2016 could they really be heading for a first World Series triumph since 1908 can they break the curse of the billy goat no because I am performing there on Tuesday the 4th of October at the House of Blues and no city has ever won the World Series within a month of me performing a tour show there.

So not looking good for the Cubs in my inaugural American fall era tour.

Then it's off to the West Coast.

Now Oregon should be filling up nicely come October with people ready to start swimming to freedom across the Pacific in case Donald Trump wins in November.

And also people wanting to come to see my show at the Aladdin Theatre in Portland on Sunday the 9th of October.

Then after that, well, what city could be more appropriate to go to a show you will want to stay right to the end of than see it all?

See it all.

And you can indeed see it all at the Neptune Theatre in Seattle on Wednesday, the 12th of October.

That is by no means representative of the quality of the show you will see.

Then it's California time on Tuesday, the 18th.

I will Los Angeles down my truth.

Sorry, I have to use the abbreviation there.

I will LA down my truth, LA down my truth at the Nerd Melt Showroom.

Then on Tuesday the 25th, the Gala Closing Night Extravaganza in San Francisco.

Surely the biggest showbiz event ever held in California.

Cobbs Comedy Club, that's Tuesday, the 25th of October.

Tickets for all these shows at andesalterman.co.uk.

You know, the website is now slightly up and running.

So do come.

Come to all of those shows.

Seriously, just track me around America.

Tell me what things to look at in between.

And send in your email requests as soon as possible to satirize this at satiristforhire.com.

Hopefully, there will be a few more dates added to these.

Do keep an eye on the website and on the at HelloBuglers Twitter feed.

So that's it.

I've plugged the tour now, which arguably I ought to have done a little while ago.

I will see you all there, America.

I'll see you all there.

Just some breaking news just coming through on the wires while I was recording that, following on from the Ryan Lochte story in in Rio.

Another American swimmer has got in trouble.

La Derek Screech, who of course swam the 320 meter butterfly in Rio, has changed his story too.

He had claimed previously that he was visited by Jesus, Moses, and another renowned prophet who I'd rather not name and given a message that everyone in the world should just learn to get along.

And Screech has now revised his story.

Turns out he just took a piss in a hedge.

Right, now I did promise you a little snippet from my Edinburgh Fringe show back in August.

Let me set the scene.

It's in a room in Edinburgh and the lights have just gone off.

And this comes on, and then I walk on carrying a giant pencil.

Yes, that is clearance for the show to start.

Start the clock.

23rd of June 2016.

Referendum Day.

7am.

Dawn has broken in the United Kingdom.

It is a day that will go down in history, as indeed do all days, but this day in fluorescent ink with glitter to make it look nice.

In Downing Street, David Cameron, professional prime minister, pulls back the curtains on the biggest morning of his day so far.

On the windowsill, staring in, is Boris Johnson.

I'm going to put some new wallpaper up in this fucking place when I move in, Dave, he says.

In a secret bunker, somewhere underneath Kent, Nigel Farage, the self-styled Nigel Farage of political political divisiveness, puts a porcelain refugee on his kitchen table and smashes it with a British golf club.

I love my breakfast, he says.

He plots his next move.

If this vote is anything under 98%, remain, he gurgles.

I'm going to milk this donkey till its tits go bang.

And in a polling station in South London Bubble, alleged comedian Andy Zoltzmann, aged 41.72, lifelong democracy fan, ever since EggZ voted for Sperm A back in early 74, grasps his pencil of democratic destiny and prepares to vote in the referendum to end all referendums.

Unless there has to be another one at some point.

I love democracy.

It is what makes me British.

Did you know we are the only nation in the world that votes?

Right.

This referendum.

I fought three world wars to have this referendum.

Two hot, one cold.

So, what have we got?

remain a member of the european union or leave the european union well instinctively remain from a personal point of view i was born in 1974 and i have thoroughly enjoyed in the intervening 41.72 years at no point being needlessly slaughtered in an avoidable pan-continental conflict it has been one of the top three hobbies of my adult life and i would heartily recommend it to people of early and mid-20th century europe who oddly seem to give it a miss in favour of macrame and shit like that.

But it's not just about me, it's about the future of this country, it's about my children.

It's been hard enough explaining to them why they do not get to vote at the ages of nine and seven in this decision that will shape their entire futures, whereas their grandparents who realistically have at best 15 to 20 years left in them do get to vote.

It all comes down to the key voter groups in British politics.

It's not Mondeo man anymore, it's not Aldi Mumm, it is now Hospice Gran.

And I think it's better for Britain as a nation to stay in the European Union because I've read all the economic predictions and therefore I know for a fact that Britain staying in and or leaving the European Union will be good and or bad for the economy.

You cannot argue with economics, people.

Economics is the art of telling you exactly what's going to happen and then explaining why it didn't.

I don't want this nation becoming more inward looking, more insular, because I feel as much European as I do British and I think it's good for the whole continent if Britain stays part of the European Union.

It's been one of the most incredible political experiments in the entire history of the human race, founded on an incredible compromise, whereby we reluctantly abandoned our continental addiction to slaughtering the shit out of ourselves every one or two generations in exchange for peace, prosperity, stability, and uniformly shaped fruit and vegetables.

That is a win-win-win-win situation.

But it's not just about Europe because I think it's good for the northern hemisphere if Britain stays part of the European Union.

I'm not massively patriotic.

I like Europe.

I also like other continents.

But I am so f ⁇ ing proud to be from the Northern Hemisphere.

That is my identity of choice.

Northern hemisphere till I die.

Anything that keeps us ahead of those feckless from the south, count me in.

Any hemisphere that can produce both Michelangelo and Michael Atherton has to be a pretty special hemisphere.

And it's not just about the hemisphere.

I think it's good for the entire human species.

If we keep the European Union together as a force for cooperation and progress, for all its flaws, because we are locked in an evolutionary race, and we are currently top dog in the natural world, ahead even of the dog after whom the position was named.

we are the world's number one ranked species currently second on the species rankings the dolphin indecisive fish make your mind up mush and and the bat what is the bat the unloved evolutionary bastard of the turd and the umbrella

It's not even just about that, it goes beyond this.

It's good for the entire universe.

The European Union has not got a beacon of hope for the aliens to watch us through, through their confusing telescopes, having been rather baffled by what we've been doing on this planet for the last hundred thousand years or so.

And the European Union shows that, despite all its shortcomings, despite all its failures, it does show that people can set aside their historic differences and come together to work for a communally better future.

That said, I am a British political comedian.

This will give me five decades of material.

Leave.

Thank you very much.

That is act one, scene one of this theatrical extravaganza.

So,

so let's do a quick straw poll.

Give me a cheer if you're in favour of remain.

And give me a cheer if you're in favour of leave.

now it appears this room is

not entirely representative of the nation as a whole or maybe it is representative of the nation as a whole and we've just seen the most spectacular act of electoral fraud in political history which to be honest i wouldn't have a problem with i don't mind electoral fraud don't mind it at all i don't think you can complain about both apathy and electoral fraud it

just shows enthusiasm and commitment as far as I'm concerned.

If you can be asked with it, good luck.

So

now of course one problems of doing shows this

year and this rather historic summer is you just don't know what has happened in the world since walking on stage.

So, um,

I have to keep an eye on the BBC News website just to see what stories have broken.

I mean, in the four minutes since I walked on stage, well, a few things have happened.

Theresa May just walked out the front door of 10 Downing Street carrying a little voodoo Michael Gove,

just bitten its head off and chewed it whilst eyeballing silently down the camera

before saying comprende.

I think we all know who's in charge.

David Cameron's just resigned again.

Well this time he's resigned as David Cameron, the character he's been playing increasingly unconvincingly for the last twenty odd years.

He's now Nigel Platethwaite, a thirty two year old unemployed bricklayer from Stockton on T, so that should test his range.

Philip Hammond, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, he's just announced a new scheme whereby over an income level of £200,000 a year, all tax will now be voluntary.

Really just formalising the system that was already in place.

Turkish president Recip Erdogan

had got any Erdogan fans in.

He's just launched a coup against himself.

He's locked himself in his toilet saying that he's disgusted as the democratically elected leader of Turkey with what he's doing to Turkish democracy.

So I don't know how that's

going to pan out.

And there's, well, a new report saying interest rates in Britain could fall as low as 0.1%,

raising concerns about stagnation in the London property market.

Are you listening, Syria?

We've all got problems.

That's my new catchphrase for the fringe.

So

there you go.

I hope you enjoyed that.

Well, I, for one, cannot wait until the 21st of October and the genuine relaunch.

It is definitely happening, people.

Do

keep following this.

It will definitely be happening.

Those US dates, again, for those of you in North America and surrounding continents and oceans currently and want to see the Saturdays for Hire show, 24th of September in Washington, D.C., 28th in New York, 2nd of October in Philadelphia, the 4th in Chicago, the 9th in Portland, 12th in Seattle, 18th in LA, and 25th in San Francisco.

Come to all of those shows.

Well, that's all for now.

Five Five weeks to go until the official relaunch.

I personally cannot wait to join us for it.

John says hi.

See you in the US, America.

Until next time, goodbye.

Hi, Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.