VIB – Very Important Bugle

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world

Hello buglers and welcome to Bugle episode

well it doesn't really have a number, maybe a code name, Bugle Episode Snoozing Phoenix.

It's not really an episode as such.

It doesn't actually have a date either.

I know it does have a date.

It's the 2nd of June 2016.

That is a date.

I am Andy Zoltzmann and joining me from New York City on the wrong side of the right ocean.

It's the one and only Senator Satirico, Congressman Comedyquip, Vice President, very pertinent.

It's John Oliver.

Operation Snoozing Phoenix underway, Andy.

That is a phenomenal name for an operation.

I'm guessing it's an operation in which everyone at the end of it would still be alive.

And nothing really would have changed from the original situation that everyone was in before the operation was launched.

Heavy snooze.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

So, yes, Andy,

this is something of an update for buglers, and that is that,

as I think it's probably painfully clear, I have not been able to do the bugle properly over the last year, or some would say

six years anyway the the timeline is not important andy the the point the point is we are having to uh uh rejig what the bugle is because of that problem yes yes so uh it's not carrying on in its current form buglers as you can as john has said it's not been possible we'd hoped to be able to carry it on since uh john began um his own uh his tv show the problem is the problem is i'm fing busy andy i'm busy as f

In fact, I'm busy as a.

Yes, and there is weekly televisual proof of that.

So I think people can see that.

Yeah, I have a television show and a baby, and I'm trying not to f ⁇ up either of them.

Yeah, but focus on the TV show.

Oh, of course.

Are you kidding me?

Showbiz, Johnny.

Showbiz.

I know what the priorities are.

You're talking to Johnny Hollywood.

But so it's not carrying on as it is.

But that's not it's not all bad news, buglers, if indeed you consider that bad news.

I was going to say, I'm not sure most people will think we've got to the bad news yet.

You might think, oh, great, I can get my life back at last.

It's barely news.

Yes, the good news, we will relaunch.

There will be a new bugle, different bugle, in September with no John Olivers involved, but with me and a cast of rotating guest co-hosts from around the world.

I do not mean they will be physically rotating like kind of comedic Donica Babs.

I mean a cast of different co-hosts who will join me every few weeks.

Some of the finest comedians in the known universe, including from America, John's old daily showcam Padre Wyatt Senak, and

the excellent Hari Kondabolu.

From India, we have the top-notch stand-up and satirist and all-round polymath Anuvab Powell.

From Britain, a rising star of our comedy scene over here, Nish Kumar.

Some say he's like a British John Oliver.

And the undisputed...

John's a poor guy, don't say that to him.

That's a horrible thing to say to anyone.

That's a horrible thing to say to me, and I am the British giant.

British, I mean, do you still even have a passport?

Well, it's got totally commas around it.

And also the undisputed Pharaoh Hatship sort of podcasting.

Helen

funny looking surname.

Zoltzman Zoltzmann, sister of me and my brother, and star of Answer Me This and The Illusionist and sundry other stuff.

She has been podcasting on the virtual airways since pre-bugle days.

She just has to look at something and people start downloading it and listening to it.

So

that is our initial stable of guest co-hosts.

There will be more.

Do email us at info at thebuglepodcast.com.

Let us know if there are any comedians you'd particularly like to hear on the show in the John Oliver chair of Destiny, as it's now known.

And also with that, Andy,

and I still haven't got that that episode when you were in a hotel room naked as the day

you were selling.

That was a long time ago.

Yeah, I mean.

That was, what, 2008?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I did the bugle, Andy.

Now, should I have done the bugle that day?

That's for history to decide, isn't it?

So do email us.

Should Truman have dropped the second atomic bomb?

We don't know.

The belt.

Don't say that.

I haven't seen the sequel of the Truman show.

So

do you must with any suggestions for how you'd like the new rebugled bugle to be?

Producer Chris, the beacon of hope across the civilized world that he is, will be staying with us, won't you, Chris?

He's not actually here for this recording, but is putting the show together afterwards.

So I hope we'll put a cheerful yes in here.

Oh, God.

Okay.

It will be unquestionably a different show.

I mean, you have to admit, fair play, John, you have been a valued contributor to the Bugle over the years, and thanks very much for that.

It will be different, but hopefully it'll be good and funny and interesting and maintain the raw animal eroticism that's always been fundamental to the dynamic of the show.

We will continue

deposing despots, where are you now, Gaddafi, and lampooning loonsters.

you know who you are.

Actually, you might not.

That's often one of the characteristics of high-grade loonsters.

As we have since the bugle was born in 2007.

So never fear, buglers.

This show will continue to shine the light of bullshit wherever truth and reality threaten to darken the planet.

Only with 50% different voices, including some lady voices, which are now legal, I'm reliably informed.

It will also, once again, be a weekly podcast.

It'd be nice to have someone to get me out of the house more often again.

You know what it's like at my age, John.

I need to keep social, otherwise I'll just wither away.

And

we will relaunch in mid-September.

And if all goes well, we will run until, let me check my diary, the end of time.

It'll go out on the same feed, so you will not need to adjust your whatever radios are these days.

We might even update the websites, but we don't want to rush into things in case websites prove to be a passing fad.

What about the Christmas jumpers, Andy?

Will they be ready?

The Christmas jumpers, I mean, that's the question that I've been skirting around, I guess, John, isn't it?

I mean, I'm not sure we entirely sold out of last year's Christmas jumpers due to the slight aforementioned lack of episodes.

So I'm sure they will be, we'll have to probably do a new logo as well.

You're going to have to be starling out of the logo, John.

Oh, yeah.

That's it.

I hope I don't end up with an ice pick in my head.

Yeah, well, that's, we can't rule it out.

We can't rule it in.

So,

how it's going to be funded is a bit up in the air, but we are ending the current voluntary subscription scheme.

And I'm sure we'd both like to give enormous and eternal thanks to all of you who've contributed over our years of independence to keep us going.

So that is the news, Buglers.

The bugle is both ending and re-beginning.

If re-beginning is indeed

a word.

Very much like Jesus.

He ended, didn't he?

And then he kind of re-began.

That was a US.

That was never proved, John.

That was at best hearsay.

So, John, before you disappear into the obscurity of the world beyond the bugle, could you just tell us, how do you see the rest of this year panning out?

Oh, very well, Andy.

I don't know if you've seen the news.

Everything is shaping up really well for the world.

I feel really comfortable leaving the world in a really solid place where just everyone could take a breath and think, you know, you're always nervous to say everything's going to be fine, but we're closer now than we've ever been.

Right.

And by fine, do you mean over?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, drawing a line under it and basically waiting for the inevitable blackness that will engulf us all.

Right.

Because I saw that Donald Trump is two to one odds to become American president.

And you can get a double on Donald Trump and Armageddon ending the world also at two to one.

So take that.

That's a nice accumulator.

Yeah, it's a lovely accumulator, that, isn't it?

I mean, is it actually possible, John?

I mean,

you're basically

the

divining stick of American politics.

Is it possible?

Yes.

Yes, it's possible.

Yeah.

I mean,

it was not likely that Leicester City would win the Premiership, Andy.

To be honest, I would rather that Leicester City became President of the United States.

Little Jamie Vardy running around the Oval Office, quick as you like.

I mean, the unthinkable has become.

Riad Maarez wouldn't be too popular with the Trump supporters, but still.

But he's one step away from becoming America's first king since George III and that didn't end too happily.

He's much more confident than George III aren't he.

But I mean you can trace this.

You can trace how all this started happening John.

I mean ten years ago if you'd said to someone Donald Trump will be on the verge of the presidency within a little over a decade, people would have thought you were absolutely insane.

Then you moved to America John.

What the f have you done to the place?

I don't know.

I think I might have elementally destabled this place in some way that no one could fully understand.

I mean, I would love to say this is not entirely my fault, Andy, but do I know that for sure?

I'm not sure I do.

Now, back on this side of the Atlantic, it's a huge summer.

It's all about Europe here.

Boats, I mean, the European Football Championships.

Little Jamie Vardee, Andy, zipping around.

Yep, he does a lot of zipping around.

I've got an England v Wales clash.

A rivalry as old as

the time itself.

Zipping around.

And I mean, is America excited about the European Football Championships?

They are not sure it's happening, Andy.

Don't spoil it for them.

What about the Copper America?

That's happening.

Isn't that happening in America?

They're slightly more aware that that's happening, but still not extremely aware.

And the European referendum, of course, on the 23rd of June, a day when this nation will awake, sniff the air, and say to itself, I love the smell of referendums in the morning.

And

you can't vote, can you?

No, I can't.

What's happening over there?

Well, we're basically we've got a gun pointed at our own face.

We're just.

Whoa, it would feel so good.

The trigger's so cold.

Yeah,

it's going to be tough.

I mean, I think I'm going to vote to stay in the EU

because it just sounds like a lot of admin to leave and I'm quite lazy.

Now, Andy, I've got a quick question here.

You know, because I've not been in Britain whilst the referendum has been imminent.

Is the referendum, as I'm guessing it is, is it bringing the best out in people?

Well,

would you say that?

If by the best, you mean unbelievably childish political campaigning and

unnecessary personal abuse, then yes.

That's exactly what I mean.

That is the high point of democracy for me.

That is what the Athenians intended.

Oh, good.

All along.

In fact, they pretty much got there in about 20 years.

So

it's a dance as old as democracy itself, John.

All buglers, please do vote as often as possible, wherever you are, wherever you come from.

If you're not technically eligible to vote,

then we have reached a special arrangement.

There's a secret code word for buglers.

Just go up to anyone working at a polling station on the 23rd of June and say the words, f you, Chris, and you will be instantly given a voting slip.

And buglers votes count double.

That's a special deal we reached with the Prime Minister, David Cameron, in return for some free advertising for him.

Boris Johnson is a power tool.

You know, well, some adverts are fine.

We've got the Olympics coming up, John.

In Rio.

Do we?

We are supposed to have the Olympics coming up.

Yes.

I think that's probably the most we can say right now.

I don't know if we have any cycling coming up, but that Bellodrome looks not finished.

Well, there's certain logistical issues, certain issues with mosquitoes being assholes as well, the Zika forest.

There are rumours now that the rowing will be conducted via Skype.

on rowing machines around the world.

So hopefully there will still be some sport to watch.

In boxing, they announced yesterday they're allowing professional boxers in and chainsaws, anything for TV ratings and golf.

There will be golf in the Olympics.

For me, John, golf has as much business being in the Olympics as a Galapagos tortoise has being in a motorcycle pyramid.

Sure, you can make it happen, but what is the

point?

And, well, so that's that's it.

Enjoy the rest of your year,

John,

and you buglers.

We will be back.

Well, I will be back in September with some surrogate Johns.

I'll be back in spirit, Andy.

Yeah, good, good.

And do pop in whenever you've got it.

My spectre will be haunting you.

That's been the case since the day we met.

I am doing a referendum special gig at the Udderbelly in London on the 21st of June.

Also, my new stand-up show, Plan Z, at the stand in Edinburgh during the fringe, 4th to the 28th of August, at 3.40pm, but not Monday the 15th.

Also, I'm doing Political Animal there Tuesday to Thursday nights, also at the stand.

I have satirist for higher gigs Monday the 13th of June and Monday the 11th of July.

And if you're missing me as a podcast, I am doing a new sports podcast for The Guardian over the summer called Andy Zoltzmann's Summer of Sports, covering all sports apart from football, which they already cover.

And if you want to keep up with John,

you'll probably see him on the telly, I imagine.

So that's it, buglers, for phase one of the bugle era.

Uh it is now at an end.

Um and what an appropriate day to do it, the 2nd of June, John.

So 1,561 years to the minute since the second sack of Rome by King Genseric and the Vandals.

And they left what can only be described as a very physical negative trip advisor review of the capital of Italy.

And 120 years since Guillermo Marconi applied for a patent for the wireless telegraph, unwittingly setting in motion a chain of advances that led inevitably to the launch of the bugle in 2007.

And four years since Hosni Mubarak was imprisoned after having the shit ripped out of him on this show, which I think was a pretty crucial plank of evidence in the court case against him.

We were on his Wikipedia page for a while, Andy.

That's it.

You need no more.

Hosni running around in circles.

So that's it, buglers.

Au revoir for Dow.

There will be a couple more things on the feed over the summer.

Thank you very much for listening to this Bugle Ditch the Deadwood special.

The king is dead.

Long live the selection of interchangeable new kings and also queens.

So

any final words, John?

Guys, like Game of Thrones, Andy.

It's like an audio red wedding over here.

It's like Game of Thrones in that it's gone on a bit too long.

Did you say any final words?

Is there an ice pick coming through the wall here?

I don't really have final words, Andy.

Phase one, phase one's over.

Who knows?

Phase three, I might be back again.

Right.

We look forward to phase three

with

interest.

So thank you for listening, buglers, to the

well, nearly, was it nearly nine years since we did the first episode?

Yeah.

And

a lot of bullshit.

A lot of bullshit.

Yes, I think about 200 hours in total, if you played it all.

I mean, not quite so much in the last year or so, as you said.

How much of that 200 hours do you think you could honestly call valuable content?

Oh, I mean, only 190 or so.

Okay, yeah.

I mean,

5% of it's been

tangents.

Arrests, you know, bang on the binaries.

You're right.

To be fair, Andy, you've been laser-focused for most of that time.

So that's it, Buglers.

Goodbye, John.

Well, I'm hoping to tour America in the autumn.

I'll see you in the autumn.

But just one thing, one more thing before you go, John.

Yes.

You're fired.

Oh, shit.

Got him.

Bye.

Bye.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.