Bugle 265 – Cup ’em and Cough

This is a podcast from thebuglepodcast.com.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 265 of the world's most convoluted set of clues to the location of the Holy Grail.

Have any of you got it yet?

It's all there.

Just listen back to it.

Anyway, I'm Andy Zoltzman, live.

Hang on, let me just check that.

Yes, live in London and joining me from the greatest nation in the world on some criteria.

It's the protoceratops of the pertinent, the apatosaurus of the opposite, the iguanodon of the incisive, the Tyrannosaurus Rex of the trenchant remark, the Velociraptor of the very relevant.

It's the queen of comedy, by which I mean he's right on the money.

John Oliver.

Hello, Andy hello buglers things have been more than a little odd here this week Andy and I'll tell you primarily why because the marketing campaign for my new show has begun here and it's become clear that that is unfortunately going to entail my face being attached to things like billboards taxis buses and subway walls basically any number of places where my face has no business being now this is clearly going to lead to a number of things one me not wanting to go outside two a lot and I mean a lot of penises are going to get drawn on my face Andy which is going to lead to three me wanting to go outside to see them that is the real circle of life that that cartoon mantra was singing about at the start of the lion king I had I had a very strange moment when I was walking home from work on Wednesday night and I was waiting to cross the road and a bus pulled up right in front of me with my face on the side of it.

It stopped and I was literally looking straight into my own stupid face.

It pulled away and I was so disorientated.

I stepped into the road and I nearly got hit by another bus which also had my face on it.

And I thought, I am not sure there is a more narcissistic way to die than being so distracted by staring at a bus with your face on it that you're killed by another bus also with your face upon it.

I think that literally might be an Aesop's fable, Andy, probably called The Owl That Was a Dick or something like that.

I think they'll generally be coming down in a month, but until then, it's going to be a weird four weeks.

well i can launch my own publicity campaign as well buglers i've got some gigs to tell you about there you go the udder belly 17th of april i'm doing political animal with mark steele jeremy hardy and a young comic called joe wells uh so do find that on the udderbelly website and on the 1st of may i'm doing cricket versus the world at the udder belly which will be a mixture of cricket and the world as the title suggests and a couple more political animal dates 8th of may and 11th of june uh 12 days in edinburgh in august a week at soho and then a UK tour later in the year more details on that to follow but do come on April the 17th it should be unusually good for one of my gigs given the quality of the other people doing it

also Andy and I know we haven't checked in with this man for a while but the Iron Sheikh's Twitter

Hit a new hike this week.

I don't know if you saw me turned out he was in New York this week and I know that primarily because he announced that fact with a spectacular tweet which read and I quote never forget I am most famous human being in the fing earth.

If you want to do interview with me in the New York, you let me know, f face.

That

is a mic drop of a tweet, Andy.

That's a poem.

That's like announcing yourself at a party by walking in, standing in the middle of the room, unzipping your trousers, waving your penis around in a circle,

while pointing at it with your other hand, and then saying, somebody get me a drink.

It's also basically what Jesus would be saying had he been around today instead of 2,000 years ago and got old enough to become confused by life.

So this is Bugle 265-265.

Of course, the international dial-in code for Malawi, which means if you are listening to this episode on your mobile phone, someone in the Malawian capital of Lilongwe will be able to steal all your emails and your high scores on your mobile games such as Angry Birds, Candy Crush Saga, Donkey Death Slam, Billy the Adventure Turd, and the pointless descent into technological solitude.

This 4th of this, we're recording on the 4th of April.

This is for the week beginning Monday the 7th.

The 4th of April, John, 1818, was the day that America adopted the stars and stripes as its new flag.

Then 13 stripes and 20 stars, beating off competitions from other designs, including a silhouette of the then President James Monroe, mooning King George III of England, a bison rutting a trash can, and an outline of George Washington gunning a can of Budweiser whilst riding a jet ski.

Do you know what the stars were originally for, John?

No.

Well, it was.

Of course I do.

Yeah.

Are you sure?

It was to make it look spangly, handy.

Well, it wasn't that actually.

It was because they were going to print a load of pretty uncomplimentary words about the British as a kind of statement of their independence, but they were considered a bit too offensive to have on a flag, so they were going to be replaced with stars, exclamation marks, question marks, things like that.

But the embroiderer dropped the exclamation marks and question marks into a stray bucket of clam chowder just as she was about to sew them on.

So they just went with stars instead.

No one knows what those words were going to be.

But they were pretty fruity.

Also,

1954 on this day, Dwight Eisenhower gave his famous domino theory speech in which he explained the falling domino principle of what was assumed to be global politics.

He said this, you have a row of dominoes set up.

You knock over the first one, and what will happen to the last one is the certainty that it will go over very quickly, said Eisenhower.

So you could have a beginning of a disintegration that would have the most profound influences, he continued.

This means that you can set up these really cool topples with like thousands of dominoes.

They're really cool.

You can make them go up slopes and stuff and make shapes like the Statue of Liberty or something.

And you can make them set off catapults.

Man, I fing love dominoes.

Anyway, what are we talking about?

Comies, yeah, they get everywhere.

Ice peeled, everyone.

See you next week.

And to mark the anniversary of this, Domino's Pizza has created the limited edition Ike-like pizza, modelled on Eisenhower's face with flavours from China, Korea, Vietnam, Thailand, Malaysia, India, and various other nations that were feared to be right in the communist toppling line in the uncertain uncertain world of post-war Asia.

Top story this week, a doctor cups the Earth's balls in his hands and asks it to cough.

It's a planetary health update.

The UN released a major new climate report this week and spoiler alerts, the news isn't phenomenal.

In fact, the news is so bad that the climate scientists really should have asked the entire planet to sit down before they read the news out and maybe handed out pamphlets to us entitled what to do after you've just been told that your planet is completely f ⁇ ed.

The report stated that the impacts of global warming are likely to be severe, pervasive and irreversible, to which somewhere in the Arctic, a polar bear who was balancing on a tiny piece of ice was about to say, yeah, no shit!

The report was written and edited by 772 scientists who should have all been given matching baseball uniforms with the bad news bearers written on them.

The report itself argues that world leaders basically have a few years left to reduce carbon emissions enough to avoid catastrophic warming, which would lead to significant sea level rises and temperature shifts so dramatic that it would disrupt human life and natural ecosystems.

To which world leaders essentially said, oh, God, that sounds terrible.

Oh, that sounds terrible.

Oh, boy, that sounds just awful.

oh someone should really do something about that well look uh let me know when you've solved the problem and good luck with it um seriously good luck with it let me know if there's anything i can do um that doesn't involve me changing anything fingers crossed for you though seriously oh that sounds just awful

oh

oh what bad news

oh oh oh well

don't overthink it

yes severe pervasive and irreversible coincidentally the adjectives i use in my online dating profile.

And also,

but that's fine.

I'm happily married.

I don't really want anyone to go for me.

I don't even know why I joined it.

Actually, I do know.

It's because Bugler signed me up for it.

Anyway, also, coincidentally, a description of the audience reaction.

Severe, pervasive, and irreversible when I played the Manchester Comedy Store all those years ago.

But I guess, John, you know, I'm on the plus side.

If they're irreversible, then, you know, what's the big deal?

We can't do anything about it.

You cannot teach a dead dog to play the bassoon, as Aristotle said.

But I guess maybe finally, after this report, the time has come to wake up and not just smell the coffee, which smells a bit off, but also to smell that the coffee machine is on fire.

And maybe, John, maybe we cannot keep pressing that snooze button that we've loved for so long.

Oh, what a lovely button.

Yeah.

God, it's the best, that button.

Commentary around the report said that it used much stronger language around the current impact of climate change than in past international panel climate change releases.

And sure, Andy, I mean, that might be true, but to be honest, I've read some of it and the stronger language that it's using is still not nearly as strong as you might reasonably expect.

I don't think anyone could complain if the report began, listen, you fing idiots.

I don't know how many finging times we have to say this, but this planet is fed.

It is completely and utterly fed.

And you know who fed it?

You!

You f ⁇ ing did!

What part of you are up this planet was it so hard for you to understand over the past 20 fing years?

Wait!

You're not even finging listening to me now, are you?

What did I just say?

Repeat back to me what I just said.

You can't, can you?

Oh, f.

Young complaint.

That's what I'm saying.

That's a reasonable tone.

That's like a young De Niro, John.

Awesome stuff.

That's right.

Very young.

Like three.

There have been concerns raised over the possible implications of

the warming of the Earth, including mass migration, conflict and national security issues, diminishing food supplies, problems with biodiversity, life in the oceans, and on land undergoing massive and irreversible shifts as seas become more acidic and temperatures and habitats change.

And the reactions have ranged from...

oh my god we're all doomed to can i still go on cheap holidays to the mediterranean to ooh stroppy scientists get them Just the kind of standard range of responses.

Michel Jarot, the Secretary General of the World Meteorological Organization, said that previously people could have damaged the Earth's climate out of ignorance.

He said, now ignorance is no longer a good excuse, suggesting that in the past, it was a good excuse.

And he did not mention the other excuses, such as short-term financial expedience, electoral utility, and naked profiteering.

I think they can still be used as a good excuse.

I do hope so, John, because otherwise we are going to have to bite this unappetizing climate bullet without without so much as a squidge of consolation catch up on it.

772 scientists, John.

But how many non-scientists, John?

It's always the scientists that get to write these reports.

How objective

can they be, John?

It should be written by people with absolutely no prejudices, preconceptions, knowledge

or experience of these matters.

That's some 12,000 peer-reviewed scientific studies went into this.

And I guess the skeptics probably reacted by thinking wow this conspiracy goes even deeper than we thought in the first place that's it Andy make them take a bite of your truth doughnut with your fact jam squirted inside like you say the report came out it's caused a bit of a consternation Francis Beneke the president of the Natural Resources Defence Council described the report as an SOS to the world and sure I guess it's like a warning message in a bottle Andy washed up by alarming alarmingly high sea levels and it's a message that governments are going to read and then they're going to put that message back into the bottle then they're going to piss into that bottle Andy and then they're going to throw that bottle back out to sea.

Which is not to say that there are not some very strong words flying around.

In fact, if we could harness the energy of political bloviating, we could have turned this whole global warming thing around just this week.

Secretary of State John Kerry said, and I quote, the costs of inaction on climate change will be catastrophic.

And I actually like the honesty of that response, Andy.

They will be catastrophic.

I mean, they wouldn't be if we actually did something substantial about climate change, but we're clearly not going to do that.

So the consequences of climate change needn't be catastrophic, but due to that whole inaction thing, they will.

They will be.

It's basically more honest than we've come to expect.

Did you say bloviating, John?

Yes, I did.

I mean, is that a word?

Bloviating?

It sounds like one.

Well, and that, as far as I'm concerned, Andy, Andy, makes it one.

Okay, good.

I'm glad we've cleared that up.

The report did suggest that poorer countries are likely to suffer, any guesses, more or less in the short term than richer countries.

Any guesses, buglers?

When the lights are on, it's hard.

More.

Shit, less.

Shit.

Oh, God,

it's so much easier when you're at home.

Well, it is more.

Always go with their instinct in these things, John.

They're likely to suffer more.

It's turning into a bad millennium for the poor, John.

I know we're only,

what, 14 years in, but they've started very bad.

It's like a Grand Prix.

You've got to hit the first corner in front, otherwise you've got no chance.

But the rich won't escape, said the report.

But they will escape for longer.

In which time, John, catastropheunities by the bucket load are imminent.

This is the, we have to look for the positives in this.

And as we've seen recently, these catastrophe will crop up, not just play in the markets when disasters are actually happening.

Sure, that's fun, but we can also think longer term.

Now, I know many of you listen to the Bugle for sound financial advice to secure your long-term investment future.

And having read this report from cover to cover, as I have, I would recommend that you should be buying shares in companies that make flood defences, inflatable dinghies, camp tents for refugees, aeroplanes that drop emergency food packages, and bulletproof tabards for TV journalists and global trouble spots, because those are going to be growth industries, John, big time.

Well, you're right.

I mean, some of the report does talk about these adaptation strategies

such as increased production of seawalls and levees to protect against flooding as well as more efficient irrigation for farmers in areas where water becomes scarce.

So it seems they're basically painting the picture of a world where your choice will essentially be either to live in an area that is uninhabitably wet or uninhabitably dry.

The IPCC chairman, Rajendra Pachauri, told a news conference when announcing the report that nobody on this planet is going to be untouched by the impacts of climate change.

Now the problem with that, Andy, it just sounds like a challenge to rich people.

That's just going to make the wealthiest people in the world find a way to somehow live in special golden blimps, hovering over weather systems, watching the rest of the world simultaneously catch fire and drown.

There's very interesting things in the reports.

It's highlighted the increasing incidence of extreme weather, such as storms and flooding.

And whilst most of the reports do

suggest that this is due to climate change, there is one as yet unpublished chapter which claims that it is all due to the legalization of gay marriage.

So just go to show.

Science can prove it.

Prove it isn't.

Prove it isn't.

And it also said this, it suggested that if warming were to go beyond six to seven degrees Fahrenheit,

as predicted by some climate models, quote, we would see extensive changes in agriculture.

And when I heard those words, all I could think of was massive mangoes.

Absolutely massive.

The size of dogs.

Mangoes, the size of dogs.

I'm in.

I'm in, Andy.

Massive mangoes.

Finally, a positive spin on this.

Gents, bloviation is a style of empty, pompous political speech, particularly for a key.

Oh, back off your fing scrabble challenge, Andy.

I'll take my quadruple fact score.

Bloviate.

To bloviate.

To bloviate.

I'll put that in a sentence.

Andy Soltzmann bloviated the latest episode of the bugle to his regular high standard.

Ding.

Well, I said, I think you must have come across that because you've had it written into your HBO contract, haven't you?

Child solutions to climate change now.

And part of the problem is that no one currently in power is going to be alive to experience any of the more dramatic consequences of their policies of inaction on this issue, Andy, which means the only people with the incentive to actually do something are much younger people.

And one of that group stepped up this week, specifically a young 14-year-old student here in the United States, who claimed that he could save significant resources and, much more importantly, money if the government simply changed the font that it used on official documents.

And he was very wise to have a cash incentive planted in there, Andy, because otherwise he would not have been taken seriously.

Oh, Mr.

Congressman, I have an idea to save huge resources.

Get out of my office, kid.

Mr.

Congressman, I have an idea to save you $400 million.

Shit down, son.

What can I do for you today?

Severe Merchandani was the kid in question.

He's a 14-year-old from Pittsburgh, and he simply suggested that the government use the font Garamonde, one of the oldest fonts around, rather than Times New Roman, as it is apparently 25% lighter and thinner, which could result in hundreds of millions of dollars of savings on ink costs.

And he pointed out in an interview on CNN that ink is actually two times more expensive than French perfume by volume.

Referring to the fact that Chanel number five costs $38 per ounce, while an ounce of Hewlett-Packard printer ink costs around $75 an ounce.

And that that is why, Andy, before I go out anywhere special, I dab a bit of ink behind each ear, I spray a mist of ink into the air, and then I walk through it.

And then, if I'm going on a date, I squirt a couple of blasts of ink down the front of my underpants.

Why, Andy?

Because I'm a classy gentleman, Andrew.

That's why.

And when I enter an expensive restaurant, I want people to turn around and say, Holy shit, that guy stinks of ink.

Well, when I first

entraptured my now wife, I had done something similar.

In fact, I had the lyrics to Hey You the Rocksteady Crew printed on my face in Hattenschweiler font, which is a very bold font.

It really gets the

message across.

For any school and university,

for any school and university students out there, this is not an excuse for not having done your homework, handing in a heavily centered piece of blank paper saying, yes, sure, I wrote my 5,000-word essay on why modern lions never lay eggs.

But I thought I'd save money, so I have written it in Hugo Boss pour hom.

Pour hom.

Is that Hugo Boss?

I don't know.

I'm a bit out the perfume loop.

Chris, I bet you bet you're not afraid of a bit of Hugo Boss in the morning.

I, of course, regularly wear Hugo Boss in my fountain pen.

I love the smell of Hugo Boss in the morning.

That was before they deployed to Vietnam.

But it's a difficult thing for America, John, to downsize its font because that looks like it's not emphasizing things as much.

And

that's a difficult thing.

That's a difficult thing for America but um um it's always been well that was the pushback you see you joke that was the pushback there's been some pushback on this kid's claims from experts who argue that people would simply make the font bigger instead and then print it out to which I guess the 14 year old would reply well don't do that

putting the ball very much back in their court but it's I mean it is actually going back through American history that there have been times when they have been more concerned about about saving money on things like this that's why they went with the in God we trust as the

national slogan, rather than fingers crossed, which is two letters longer and basically means exactly the same.

And it's also just this ink saving is why we elected to do the bugle as an audio newspaper rather than the printed one.

So we're leading the way.

There are other economizations that could be made along similar lines.

It's been suggested by various people on the back of this suggestion by this 14-year-old.

All public sector workers are going to be made to wear three-quarter length trousers, which might look silly, but will save a lot of materials.

And if that works, we rolled out further to make all public sector workers wear speedos and bikinis.

Worked in Baywatch when Senator Pamela Anderson was Secretary of State for Coastal Safety.

They're also planning to save on the cost of inaugurating a sitting president who's won re-election by allowing him to re-inaugurate himself online like a library book.

And they also think of shortening the national anthem to save on band high costs, instrument wear, and the deleterious economic effect of people welling up with pride by reducing the song to a simple, oh, say can you see?

Yup, it all looks fine.

And the White House is set to be painted black to retain heat better and save on energy costs.

Might get too hot in the summer, but it's got a big garden, they can all work outside.

Napoleon Wang News now.

And

Napoleon Bonaparte has been in the headlines this week.

Well, to be honest, not all of Napoleon, just the part of him that puts the boner in Napoleon Bonaparte.

The background to this is a new documentary series in the United Kingdom called Dead Famous has attempted to find the remains of some of the key figures of history such as Hitler's hair and Elvis's DNA and they claim to have found Napoleon's penis in where else?

New Jersey.

Now

it's not just the location of the penis which has made headlines Andy, it's also the size of it which has been confirmed apparently as and I quote very small or to be exact it's been measured at one and a half inches now that's a it's a little unfair for a start and it's been very cold over here recently plus again in his defense Napoleon has been dead for nearly 200 years and his penis has not been attached to his body for a long time that will I don't want to come across like a flow max commercial but that will inhibit blood flow so

that will not give you

Those crucial extra visible inches.

Now,

you might well ask, why is Napoleon's severed penis in New Jersey?

To which, I think I'd say, Mind your own business, bugley.

I think I'd say, fair question, but also, why not, exactly?

Why not?

Perhaps that was in Napoleon's will.

Perhaps it read, please give my earthly belongings to my family and please sever my penis from my body and send it to New Jersey and keep it there until it can be measured by a documentary crew in a couple of centuries' time and I may be humiliated once more.

This is my final will and testament.

Hold on, you didn't actually write that penis thing down, did you?

Oh, shit, I'm dead.

We just raised questions as to exactly what happened at the autopsy when this penis was cut off, apparently.

Cause of death, stomach cancer, possibly aggravated by blood poisoning.

Right, let's wrap the bastard up in foie gras and pop him in his baguette-shaped casket.

Oh, hang on, who wants his penis?

Anyone want his penis?

Do you want his penis?

You're not the kind of guy that'd like to take a penis away with you as a souvenir for your mum.

I'll tell you what, I'll lop it off.

You can have Napoleon's penis.

Just don't sell it.

Do we not sell it to a dealer in New Jersey?

The current owner of Napoleon's penis, as it is clear by now, is not Napoleon.

And it is...

It's instead a man called Evan Latimer, who was

given it by his father, a renowned urologist, after he bought it at a Paris auction for $3,000.

The relic is apparently known among the Latimer family as, I quote, Napoleon's item.

Now, that is a hell of an inheritance, Andy.

To my daughter, I give my house.

To my grandchild, I give my car and what is left of my money.

And to my son, Evan, I give Napoleon's penis.

Please refer to it in the future as Napoleon's item, my son, as I want it to sound even funnier.

Latima said of his father.

Item is a...

It's an acronym

for incredibly tiny ex-member, I believe.

Latua said of his father, dad believed that urology should be proper and decent and not a joke.

Well, he's got a funny way of showing that, hadn't he?

He's backed that claim up by going and buying the seven penis of French, severed penises of French leaders and then giving it to his children.

Did you say the seven penises of French leaders?

Seven severed penises.

Where are the other six, Evan?

Where are the other six, Evan?

What does he say?

It's understandable.

Release the penises, Evan.

It is understandable that Napoleon is not especially Bonipart, might not be the most priapic of leaders' Lovelowwursts, because...

Where's Francis Drake's dick?

Not only as you as you suggested, has he been dead for 200 years, but in 1812,

he famously invaded Russia and the French army was beaten back by the savage winter.

So it's not surprising that even in life, he probably picked up a bit of a shrivel and his wangle really got it shrink on and never fully recovered.

Also, he probably lived a very high-stress life, John, fighting lots of wars, lots of battles, like being a football manager, but more so with the added problem of having the deaths of hundreds of thousands of soldiers on your conscience.

So it's not surprising that he maybe didn't nurture his nodule as much as he might have done.

Famously,

no one can say that Napoleon did not overcompensate for a small thing, sadly.

You can't say that.

Back then, that was the equivalent of buying an expensive sports car

and invading anything vaguely near you.

Also possibly explains the not tonight Josephine quotes.

No, darling, I'm not in the mood.

And if you could stop referring to it as Marshall Maggot, I'd be a little more confident in the bedroom.

But

as you say,

what an artifact to own.

You know, I mean,

what else do they have in there?

What?

In the family.

This is great Uncle Rupert's medal from the Siege of Mafeking.

This is a sculpture from 1832 of a bronze hand slapping a concrete cheek, made specially to commemorate the Duke of Grunksha's unsuccessful pass at the Maharagina of Noanga, Saramasala.

And this is King George IV's knee symbols from when he used to play in a one-man band.

And

what's this, you ask?

No, no, no, it's not a dried slug from explorer Postone Gerviot's journey down the Amazon in 1874.

No, it's not a fossilized date left over from Cleopatra's Valentine's Day sweetie box given to her by Mark Antony.

No, no, no, no, it is it is Napoleon's penis.

Yes, that Napoleon's 200-year-old dismembered dead penis.

Yep.

Now we do keep it on the mantelpiece, yes.

Evan apparently said of Napoleon's item, yes, it's very small, but it's famous for being small.

It's perfect structurally.

The university have done x-rays and examinations, and it's obvious what it is.

Well, yes, it is obvious what it is, Andy.

It's a severed penis.

I'm guessing that when they brought that item into the university for examination, the people at the university said, Hold on, why the f have you brought a severed penis in here?

It's what, Evan?

It's Napoleon's penis.

Well, that makes even less sense now.

Do you know how they found that?

It was definitely Napoleon's because the tattoo of the Duke of Wellington on it with an even smaller penis on him.

Napoleon's penis has had quite a journey since it was last balanced on top of Napoleon's balls.

Apparently, the penis, and this is true, was cut off during his autopsy by his

somewhat cruel doctor, Francesco Ottomarici, in front of 17 witnesses, all of which I hope recommended that that doctor was immediately struck off the medical register.

It was then acquired by priest Abbe Agnes Paul Vignali, who gave the leader his last right.

It passed through Vignali's family before it was eventually bought by an American rare books dealer, A.S.W.

Rochenbach, in 1924.

And let's stop right there for a moment.

Because how on earth, Andy, does a rare books dealer suddenly branch out into the

severed penis collector's market?

That's a heavy left turn in terms of your interests.

Well, I'm mainly in the antique books game, to be honest.

Any first editions by Austin or Dickens are always of interest to me.

I'm also always in the market for any nice John Donne volumes.

They're always appealing.

Always a market for those items or indeed the severed penises of European leaders.

Do you have any of those on your shelves?

I'll root around and see what I can find.

Well, of course,

during the 1920s, there was a worldwide bookmark shortage, so it's understandable that people

created objects.

The penis was then displayed at the Museum of French Art in New York in 1927.

And I am guessing, Andy, and it's just a guess, but I'm guessing that the Museum of French Art in New York in 1927 had an increase in visitors of about 10,000% that year.

What was it called as an artwork?

Was it like by Marcel Duchamp?

Called.

Eroticisme moire.

So anyway, Evan Latimer now owns it and apparently has only allowed 10 people to see it and is also anxious to stress that it's never been photographed or filmed.

Oh good, Andy.

At least that severed penis has been allowed some dignity.

But I will say, it is a hell of a date closer for Evan Lattimer Andy.

Would you like to come in for some coffee?

Oh, no, thank you.

No, thank you.

I think I'd better get home.

Okay.

Would you like to come in for coffee and to take a look at Napoleon's severed penis?

Yes, Evan.

Yes, I would.

Well, of course,

Napoleon was not alone as a leader in suffering

similar afflictions.

Many great leaders in history have suffered from genitogo-nadula magnitudo numerical issues.

Not only did Napoleon have a microplonker like a depressed elderly Gherkin, but Adolf Hitler, 10-time winner of Europe's naughtiest dude award, famously possessed only one testicle from a young age when living in the Austrian town of Linz when his mother, Clara, the dirty bugger, of course she played for the ice hockey for the Linz dirty bugs, cut off little Adolf's other testicle when he was small.

according to the song.

Not clear from the song, why she removed the boy's Teutonic Nadia, whether as a disciplinary measure or an accident or an investment.

All we know is that it did end up in the famous London concert venue, the Albert Hall.

And new research suggests that she exchanged it with a ticket tout in exchange for front-row seats to see the music hall singing sensation Minty Tutu in the abattoir chorus.

Whilst Russians saw Peter the Great, very much the opposite end of the Schlong scale, John.

He apparently had a kjelbeschlop so long that rumour has it he had to tuck it into his boot.

Peter was not only Europe's tallest monarch and one of the 18th century's leading dwarf owners, but also bought the entire pioneering replica penis collection of the Dutch anatomist Frederick Reich.

And I cannot begin to explain what a nice sentence that was to say out loud.

I'm so close to Napoleon's Zeffered penis right now, Andrew.

I didn't know how close I was.

New Jersey is just over the river.

Could you not get, maybe, you know, with your new HBO show, maybe get, see if you could get it on as a guest?

I mean, that would be a real coup, wouldn't it?

Coming up after Game of Thrones.

Amazing booking.

After Game of Thrones, John Oliver talks to Napoleon's severed penis.

I mean, the advertising space, no one's going to be switching that off, John.

No one's going to be switching.

I'm going to come to the show, my guest tonight, Napoleon's severed penis.

Then skip your fing jokes and bring the guest out.

You know what else is in Jersey?

In the news in January, they revealed that Hitler's toilet was also there.

Really?

Hitler's toilet seat, just up the road from Napoleon's wang.

That would have been the most strange item they had there until it turns out that Napoleon's severed penis has been there the whole time.

I am getting, I'm talking to my guest booker after this, Andy, now, and saying, now, this next booking is a high degree of difficulty.

But I am telling you, I am guaranteeing you ratings.

It's a very appropriate bugle to be doing this in because this is the 4th of April 2014.

And do you know what happened on the 4th of April 1814, John, 200 years ago to this day?

What?

Was when Napoleon abdicated the French throne.

There we go, what a coincidence that is.

And his senior army leaders confronted him, Marshal Ney in particular, and said, look, Napoleon, we really think you need to abdicate.

And Napoleon replied, could you please stop using words with the syllable dick in them?

You know that upsets me.

I'm just a bit sensitive about it.

Sorry, Napoleon, said Marshal.

We just think now is a suitable end for you.

Did you say bell end, Marshall?

No.

No, no, Napoleon.

No, I didn't know.

It's just that you've really overstaid your welcome now and you've been emperor too too long now.

Did you say too?

You know I'm very, very sensitive about this, even though I've had much military success.

Sorry, Napoleon, it's just basically we've lost this war.

Really, when we made that Russian push long before...

Did you say schlong?

Quit staring at my tiny crotch.

Sorry, sorry, Napoleon.

It's just that the British are going to say, Napoleon Bonaparte, he has to go.

Look, you just said poll and boner in two words.

I'm sorry, Napoleon.

I was just saying your name.

Remember, you said remember, sorry, look, if you don't step down, you could be executed, you know, shot, or I don't know how to put this.

Well, hung.

Stop it!

I heard you say well hung, stop it!

Besides, it should be hanged, not hung.

A person is hanged, a picture is f ⁇ ing hung.

Not if it's a picture of your groin, it isn't.

F ⁇ you, Marshall Nay!

F ⁇ you!

Right, I need to calm down.

Get the court keyboard player to come and tinkle the ivories.

Oh, you don't wanna do that, Napoleon, they'll be onto you straight away.

The miniature pianist starts playing.

Did you say miniature penis?

You are fired.

You are all fired.

I'm nearly 40.

Nearly 40 years.

And I think, John, what we've learned from this is exactly why the world will never fully address the problems outlined in the IPCC report.

That is so true.

That is why we're f ⁇ ed.

We are an easily distracted species, John.

It's almost like...

It's about 20% a joke that, Andy.

I don't want to be cynical about this, but it's almost like this story about Napoleon's penis was planted in the press this week

just to distract high-end satirical shows like this.

The only thing you're going to remember from this, oh, that bugle about, that was the one about Napoleon's seven penis, wasn't it?

They did the whole thing on that.

Sports news now and well it's the Grand National this weekend.

John, gone are the days when some of the fences at the Grand National were very dangerous.

They contained hidden spears or when the water jump was filled with hydrochloric acid or of course the famous controversy when the chair was an electric chair.

But horse safety still an area of considerable debate as whenever we get to the Grand National with a number of fatalities at the meeting most years.

On the one hand there are those who say that jeopardising the well-being and lives of these magnificent animals just to provide a gambling-dependent spectacle is inhumane, cruel, and intolerable in a supposedly civilized 21st century.

Then there are those who say that these animals are given a life that other horses cannot even dream of for a sport rooted in history and community and mankind's interaction with the natural world, and that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks, even when those drawbacks involve a tarpaulin and a bolt gun.

And there are others still who say, Come on, number 17, shift it, shift it, you used to slum for a Frenchman's burger filling.

Come on, yes,

Come on!

Little properly Irish guy!

Smack him with your go-faster stick!

Fucking smack him harder, he's nearly winning!

Smack him like a Victorian schoolboy and tell him he's a naughty horsey!

Get in!

Yes!

Yes!

I am 12 pounds richer!

Get in!

So they're very much three sides to the sandwich.

And I guess from the horse's point of view, they must be charging around Aintree thinking, yes, if I so much as look like I might have a dodgy leg, I am a dead horse.

But if I can win it, that is 10 years of jiggy on tapping a stud farm.

Oh, yeah.

So massive, massive gambling, gambling weekend.

And it's been an interesting time for bookmakers in this country, John, in other gambling news.

The retrospective betting specialists, Historicods, had to shut down after making massive losses on its first day of trading.

Punters went in big on the result of the 1966 Football World Cup final.

Historicods were offering England two, West Germany two after 90 minutes at 24 to 1.

So they got really stung on that one.

Whilst the result of the Battle of Bosworth in 1485, that really hit them hard too.

Wars of the Roses fans all went in big on Lancashire to beat Richard III's Yorkshire team at 5-2.

And Henry Kissinger winning the Nobel Peace Prize, well, Historic Odds

odds given of 150-1.

Now looking very stupid indeed.

No time for your emails this week, largely because most of you emailed in about Napoleon's penis.

So I think we've

basically covered it.

They've been answered.

Your emails have been answered.

Do keep them coming into info at thebuglepodcast.com.

Don't forget to book your tickets for Political Animal on the 17th of April.

I had a couple of queries, John.

You've mentioned your forthcoming HBO show.

A number of people are saying you haven't mentioned what it's actually called yet, so they could look out for it.

Last week tonight with John Oliver, that's what it's called.

A year ago.

It's called Last Week Tonight.

So that'll be coming up in, what, two, three weeks?

Three, three weeks.

Three weeks.

That's ages.

Yeah, plenty of time, in it.

So don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com/slash the hyphen bugle.

You can get your bugle merch and take out your voluntary subscriptions to keep this podcast free and independent at thebuglepodcast.com.

And don't forget, if you are in the New Jersey area, if you do see Napoleon's penis out for a walk, just let it live in peace.

Don't give it hassle, John.

Don't give it a hassle.

Goodbye.

Bye!

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.