Bugle 264 – Making nothing out of something

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 264 of The Bugle with me, Andy Zoltzmann, in London, the spiritual home of the annoyed shuffle on the crowded train carriage.

And joining me from across the Atlantic, nominated yet again in the world's largest ocean awards.

Surely it has to win one of these years, doesn't it?

It's the Marilyn Monroe of Mirthmaking, John Oliver.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

Well, the countdown begins, Andy.

It is the first test show for my

HBO show this Sunday night, which also marks the beginning of a four-week countdown to our first actual show.

So it's almost like I should put up an advent calendar of pure panic on my wall from now on.

Open up a new door each morning to reveal a different chocolate animal frozen between a pair of oncoming headlights.

The show starts on HBO on April 27th at 11 o'clock, and I should have some news over the next couple of weeks as to

where else around the world you might be able to see it.

And I'm hoping that buglers will find a way to watch.

In fact, I'm more than hoping that, Andy, I'm absolutely relying on it because let's be honest: if buglers don't want to watch, then I am completely and spectacularly and specifically fed.

So I, well, I mean, on a similar thing, I recorded a video for Crick Info in my shed this week.

So, you know,

both got bugled.

And you need buglers to watch it.

That's the point of the answer.

I do need buglers to watch it.

They might not fully understand my writing.

It doesn't matter.

No one's asking them to understand.

They're just asking for eyeballs.

Not even asking for ears.

Yeah.

so if you can bombard the zaltzone videos on crick info with hits then uh you know they might um

you don't even need to pay attention to them yep that's not it's not complicated it's just a vague presence is all that's required

this is bugle issue 264 264 of course famously the dialogue uh exchanged when haggling over the number of legs that the hero in the lassie films should have director fred m wilcox wanted lassie to be an ostrich, whereas producer Samuel Marks thought she should be a stick insect.

They finally split the difference and settled on dog with the added bonus of that being true to the original book.

Not as true as it might have been.

They notably left out the scene in which Lassie crapped on the living room carpet and then left the half-eaten carcass of a rabbit on the sofa.

This is for the week beginning Monday the 31st of March, which means, John, it is 125 years since the official opening of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.

Wow.

Sadly.

Yeah, well sadly was never actually finished.

The current tower that we know today was supposed to be just the internal framework for the front of the world's largest Papier-Mâché goose.

It was going to be a 340 metre-high goose which honked every morning at 8am to wake Paris up before saying bonjour to Le Monde

and crapping out some foie gras from an industrial-sized arse.

Think how different the world would have been, Andy, if some of the most romantic movies in history had been set in front of the gigantic Eiffel goose.

Just can't help feeling it's an opportunity missed.

It was a tribute to the French cruelty to animals industry.

But, oh god, so damn tasty.

As always, the section of the bugle is going to strengthen them in this week.

Pets section, including pet security.

Is your dog an imposter?

We investigate the increasing cases of dogs showing up at people's houses claiming to be their long-lost pets returning home, then moving in and taking over their favourite armchair.

Also, we investigate when is the right time to tell your cat what happened to its testicles and why it doesn't have the earth to do that humpy thing it sees all the other animals doing on the telly.

And was JFK's pet gecko Ivan involved in his assassination?

He's never been seen since and he had a Russian name and the CIA have been eerily quiet about it.

Also we have a quick April Fool's Day section in the bin.

It's April Fool's Day on Tuesday, 1st of April as is traditional and we have a special feature section in the bin on when April Fools Go Wrong.

We interview the British undertaker's firm Holzgrig and Jute who last year on April the 1st pretended to one grieving family that Granny had woken up in the night, invited the family in, and there she was, propped up in an armchair, watching Telly with a tray of biscuits and a cup of tea, although obviously still dead.

And we also

look back at how the monkeys almost split up after an April fool in which Mickey shot Peter with a tranquiliser dart on the evening of 31st of March, dressed him up in a wildebeest outfit, and plonked him in a line enclosure in Medellin Zoo during the monkeys' 132-day tour of Columbia in 1969.

Those two sections in the bin.

Top story this week: incredibly stupid details in incredibly important stories.

The world is a dark place, Andy.

It's a complicated place.

And unfortunately, neither of those things particularly appeal to a modern news landscape.

Nuance fits into modern cable news, Andy, the way that a bicycle pump fits into a burrito.

It's an increasingly honourable gesture to even attempt it, but there's no way you're going to be successful.

Here in the United States, CNN, the new most offensive C-word in the English language, has forgone stories over the last couple of weeks that require analysis, curiosity, or any semblance of journalistic integrity to focus instead on spending their entire day guessing where a missing plane might be.

News increasingly needs a hook, something to make it pop in the ratings and make it appeal to the casual eyeball.

And there have been some truly magnificent examples of this this week.

Yes, we are going to be be looking at the light side of some extremely dark news moons.

The diamonds in the dung heaps, or at least at least a fresh piece of still damp dung that's glistening in the last rays of sunlight.

There's an old saying, the darkest hour is right before the dawn.

In fact, the darkest hour is often followed by another pretty f ⁇ ing dark hour and then some more darkness.

And also, modern blackout curtains can really shut out the life pretty much permanently.

But often, John, even in the gloomiest of forests, there is a single shrub of laughter growing, a slice of mango in an otherwise unremitting bowl of low-grade ratatouille, a sudden Jimi Hendrix riff in a spoken word album of Donald Rumsfeld's poetry, which isn't great, but was oddly inspired by Wilfred Owen, although concentrating on the tragedy of peace rather than the tragedy of war.

And I guess this has been true through history.

There's always been, even in the most darkest news stories, something that has a little bit of light in it.

You know, when the Almighty Lord set one of his trademark plagues to kill the firstborn in Egypt, there must have been an other news story in the Memphis hieroglyph newspaper a week or so later about a family whose firstborn had escaped because his mum and dad had gone bowling and left him with an underage babysitter who the plague thought was the firstborn and hilariously killed instead.

First up, crisis in Crimea continues.

Look, the world has a geopolitical crisis on her hands, Andy.

Ukraine is stuck in a tug of war between East and West.

There is nothing simple about this story and it requires serious analysis.

analysis, but hold on.

Has Russia just annexed some Ukrainian combat dolphins?

Let's talk about that

Yes a number of highly trained Ukrainian military dolphins are going to switch nationalities and become Russian.

Lovely combination of words there, Andy.

Obviously, the meat of that sentence is the phrase Ukrainian military dolphins, but there is some artisan bread around that too.

Essentially, Ukraine has had an attack dolphin program for decades, with dolphins trained to identify underwater military threats, including spy equipment, enemy scuba divers, or mines on the ocean floor.

It might sound stupid, and that's because it is, but both Russia and the US actually also have versions of this program.

In fact, it was rumored that the Soviets once trained killer dolphins equipped with hypodermic needles loaded with carbon dioxide like sociopathic flippers.

In 2012, in fact it was reported that the Ukrainian Navy planned to resurrect the concept of dolphin assassins by training them to attack enemy combat swimmers using special knives or pistols fixed to their foreheads.

And apparently

In their research it was very difficult for the enemy combat swimmers to defend themselves in those situations as they were usually completely incapacitated by hysterical laughter.

Oh god Look at that dolphin.

It's got a pistol fixed on its head.

Oh, this is fantastic.

I can't believe this is going to be the last thing that I'm ever going to see.

I am so lucky.

Well, this is, you know, it's great to hear a story like this in what has otherwise, as you say, been a rather tense news month in Ukraine.

Vladimir Putin has claimed that he has no intention of any further opportunistic land grabs in the Ukraine.

To most Westerners, he might as well have said, I've just become the first man to successfully grow aubergines on Saturn, and I've slept with all 12 of the Mitford sisters.

We just do not believe a word that he says but at least John, at least John, we have we have the dolphin story.

Yes.

And it is adding fish-eating insult to territorial injury that Ukraine should lose its squadron of crack bomb spotting killer dolphins.

I mean you have to ask you have to ask you know why

why have they changed?

Well for a start there their project has had

some troubles before in March of last year reportedly three dolphins deserted the military dolphin program to look for mates which is I mean how often have we seen this story through history John people thinking with their balls not their heads letting their dolphin dicks get in the way of their careers tragic but now

they're defecting to Russia I guess you know Russia's got more money for its military probably better opportunities for dolphins.

Also, Ukraine, pretty much Black Sea or bust, whereas Russia offers a much, much greater range of coastlines.

If you're going to be a fighting dolphin, John, you want to have a range of seas to choose from.

They are notoriously intelligent creatures, dolphins.

You see this from the fact that

rarely amongst animals of their size, they very seldom get eaten by lions.

That is a sign of a good snout for safety.

They have a very healthy fish-based diet.

Shows that they look after themselves, unlike some species I could mention, such as humans and foxes, too much junk food, and blowflies, too much raw meat, much of it past its best before date.

But dolphins, though, a lot of sushi and all that jumping out of the sea, very good exercise, built into their ordinary everyday schedule.

That's the way to do it.

No point going to the the gym when you can do it just in your ordinary everyday line of work so i'll ask you when did you last meet a bedbound dolphin but anyway so it's they're an intelligent creature john and they've seen which way the wind is blowing in this crisis and rough russia offers superior job prospects for any ambitious young military dolphin But where's the loyalty, Andy?

That is my problem.

I can't believe they're going to defect.

I cannot believe these flippers are going to flip.

You'd have thought that

they would all commit to an honor-based mass suicide before defecting to Russia.

Maybe each holding a flipper over the other one's blowhole.

This is so disappointing.

There are truly, Andy, no attack dolphin heroes anymore.

These dolphins swore an oath, a sacred oath to Ukraine.

An oath which presumably sounded like this.

Although, should we really be surprised, Andy?

Dolphins have no moral backbone.

They'll essentially swear allegiance to anyone who'll throw a fish at them.

They're mercenaries.

You want me to jump through a hoop, balance that ball on my nose, or assassinate that frog man?

How about you fetch me a fish in one of those buckets over there and we can talk?

Well, also, we see, you know, the historic issues in this whole crisis, that the

fighting dolphin program was started, as you said, under the Soviet Union.

So, inevitably, the call of Mother Russia is going to come back at some point.

I mean, it's very much dolphins really reflecting human geopolitics.

It's tragic to see that we've infected even the aquatic world.

Is it possible, Andy, that this stash of attack dolphins are actually the only reason that Putin was interested in the Crimea at all?

Because as we talked about last week, it seemed Crimea had very little of any value to it, but that was before it was revealed that they have a secret elite army of trained murder dolphins.

And clearly, that's quite a price.

Apparently, there are also a unit of combat sea lions in Sebastopol who operate out of the base there.

but it's apparently and I quote not yet clear what will happen to them exactly Andy and that's because those sea lions would never work for Putin that's my point you have you'd have to prize the Ukrainian flag from their cold wet flippers which actually shouldn't be too hard their flippers are always cold and wet and sea lions don't have the best gripping motion but that's not the point it's about loyalty and the more you look into this secret Sebastopol death dolphin program the worse it gets back in 2000 they actually sold 27 trained attack dolphins, walruses, sea lion seals, and even a white beluga whale to Iran.

How has this not been an issue in the news?

Never mind developing a nuclear weapon, Andy.

I'm now much more concerned about Tehran developing a nuclear whale.

This world will never be the same if the Ayatollah has access to a fully functioning atomic free willy.

It's Putin at this point is getting so close to being a real-life bond villain that he's dangerously close to a copyright infraction from the Ian Fleming estate.

Well, you say, was this really what it's all about?

And in fact, in February this year, according to one news report, the Ukrainian Defense Ministry in Kiev announced plans to release these attack dolphins into the wild or rehouse them in civilian aquariums in a cost-cutting move.

Then all of a sudden, about a week later, bang, in goes Russia.

It clearly kicked this whole thing off.

It's not about reuniting Mother Russia or geopolitical dick swinging or finding Vlavlav Ladputin a convenient excuse for not having to listen to David Cameron banging on about shit at the next GH summit.

It was about keeping this killer dolphin project alive, John.

So there you go thus far.

Still very tense.

In the region, largely non-violent status quo remains very fragile.

Sanctions are starting to bite, very much like an earthworm wolfing its way through the hide of a rhinoceros.

And the threat of the far right looms in Ukraine.

The world is very much in a state of fingers-crossed semi-diplomacy.

But there are now dolphins involved, John, so it just somehow seems a happier story.

North Korea news now, and look, North Korea is still one of the worst places on earth to be a human being.

There's no doubt about that.

Starvation, disease, utter isolation, as well as sinister prison camps and executions for anyone even suspected of being an enemy of the state.

It is a story, Andy, that needs delicate, incisive journal.

Hold on, everyone in North Korea might have to have the same stupid haircut.

Let's talk about that.

And reports came out of Radio Free Asia this week that there was a state-sanctioned guideline for all North Koreans to adopt Kim Jong-un's particular haircut, which I guess you might describe as business at the front, famine at the back.

It's the male KD Lang look.

His haircut is a perfect expression of life in North Korea.

Rigorously controlled around the sides, with any expression trimmed down to an easily controlled stub, with a freedom of hair on the very top that few in North Korea are able to enjoy.

I see it more as a Hitler on top, Mussolini underneath kind of look.

Apparently, there were some early concerns.

One source told Radio Free Asia, our leader's haircut is very particular, if you will.

It doesn't always go with everyone since everyone has different face and head shapes that's a fair criticism andy from someone who has just subjected themselves and the next three generations of their family to a lifetime of hard labor in prison camps with that little comment because the great leader's hair goes with everything andy it can be dressy it can be casual it would look good on men it would look good on women it would look good on hamsters the point is it's the perfect haircut

It was an interesting glimpse into how the news media works because the story began as Kim Jong-un orders all North Korean men to have exactly the same haircut as him.

It then became Kim Jong-un orders all male North Korean students to have the same cut as him and then it became yeah that might all have been bollocks but it was still a good story.

Still a nice little piece of news quirk that helps take our minds off the murderous brutality and medieval repression of one of the world's least sociable dudes.

It was amazing.

The story was absolutely everywhere despite the fact that like you say a lot of people are calling either complete total or at least mostly partial bullshit on it.

But that didn't stop outlets from reporting on it.

You can sense them thinking, we don't give a shit, this has to be true, or at the very least, it's too great a story for me to really care enough to fact-check it.

And the same

keeps happening in North Korea.

The same thing happened with the story about Kim Jong-un feeding his uncle to a pack of ravenous dogs.

That story made the rounds not because it was true, but because journalists clearly just wanted it to be true, treating facts like a kind of tinker bell.

This story can be true if you just believe.

Believe, boys and girls.

Well that's all right.

It's the first rule of journalism, John.

If something looks like a fact and quacks like a fact, it might be a fact.

Then if you publish it, it becomes a fact until someone hits back with a counterfact.

But you've got that precious moment where for a few happy hours the other day, it was a fact that all men in North Korea were going to have Kim Jong-un's haircut.

Those were great days for humanity, John.

Apparently, the haircut

was relatively unpopular in North Korea before people were required to like it upon potential pain of death.

Apparently, it was called the Chinese smuggler haircuts.

And I can't tell you how many times I've walked into a hairdresser's Andy and said, just give me the Chinese smuggler.

It's a perfect fit for my face.

And long hair has generally been discouraged in North Korea since 2005 when a government campaign warned men that too much hair could consume vital nutrients stunting brain development.

The campaign recommended that North Koreans schedule haircuts every 15 days.

And wow, you know a piece of propaganda is flimsy if it could be completely dismantled by a single L'Oreal shampoo commercial.

Because as we all know, Andy...

As we all know, L'Oreal shampoo has all the nutrients that your hair needs for glossy, fuller-looking hair and excellent brain development.

Full disclosure, that joke was brought to you by L'Oreal.

L'Oreal,

because you and the people of North Korea are worth it.

I'm, John, very much not one to tell other people what to do with their hair, so I can't really criticise Kim Jong and my combined expenditure on haircuts this millennium so far would be enough to buy a grand total of zero loaves of bread, no boxes of eggs, absolutely no top-end bottles of whiskey, and definitely zero luxury sports cars.

And I wouldn't want a sports car anyway, John.

Sports cars, very, very disappointing, I find.

I hired a sports car for a weekend once, and I beat it at every single sport I played against it.

It was useless.

Tennis, 6-1, 6-4, didn't even get a serving, although some of its returns did bounce back trickly into court and I flagged a bit in the second set.

Athletics did the decathlon.

Sure, the sports car thrashed me in the 100 metres, dipped through the line in just 3.4 seconds.

I was lagging behind in a season's best 11.3, but it then fouled out with three no jumps in the long jump, and that was it.

Boxing, it just went rope-dope.

I almost had to pull out when I cut my hand, smashing it in the headlights, but I tucked up for the last couple of rounds and won on points.

What was I talking about?

Anyway, haircut.

I haven't paid for a haircut since 1999.

So me giving Kim Jong on grief about his style choices, the nut jobs, nut jobs, if you will, would be very much like a penguin giving you tips on how to cook the perfect T-bone steak, or Madeline Albright ripping you to pieces about your breakdancing skills, or the Pope lecturing you on contraception.

Totally and utterly inappropriate, John.

But you've got to admire it.

It's a kind of cross between the 1980s Brat Pack and Henry V.

So, see the point is, counter-reports emerged claiming that there was, in fact, not one single state-sanctioned haircut, and there was absolutely no evidence of that.

There was, however, evidence that North Koreans might have been told to choose between 18 approved hairstyles for women and 10 for men, and that North Korea's state TV station had launched a campaign against long hair called Let Us Trim Our Hair in Accordance with the Socialist Lifestyle.

First, catchy slogan, Andy.

And if you, frankly, if you're not asking for the Chinese smuggler, you're definitely going into a hairdresser saying, just give me something in accordance with the socialist lifestyle, by which I mean

distribute my hair evenly over the entirety of my head.

But also having 28 state-sanctioned haircuts is not not weird.

That is still a very strange situation to be in even though to be honest I don't think I could actually name 14 haircuts right now.

They're short, long, short with long bits, long with short bits, classic Bieber, modern Bieber and the Rachel.

That's all I've got.

That's all my knowledge is.

Most of the official North Korean ladies' haircuts do appear to be designed to make them look like the dowdy girl in the 1980s American teen flick before she meets a trendy friend, has a makeover and a trim, and becomes hot and therefore socially acceptable.

And you can do that in 18 different ways

in North Korea.

But I think, you know, we at the Bugle...

I guess there's something to be said for patriotic haircutting, John.

I know we at the Bugle, we've always

taken this responsibility to patriotic coiffuring extremely seriously.

John, I know you've always modelled your hairdo on the lush dark pelts of Chesney, Lord Horatio Nelson's lucky Canadian black squirrel given to him by King George III, which he used to keep in his pocket during battles and stroke to keep him calm, and who soothed the great naval warrior in his dying moments at the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805.

In fact, Nelson's final words, commonly misreported as kiss me hardy, are now thought to be, by most reputable historians, an instruction by Nelson to fetch high tea for Chesney, his lucky squirrel, creature of habit who got very cross, if he didn't get his meals at their regular time.

Whereas I have always

on my head attempted to replicate the holy royal sproutings from Queen Elizabeth I's sainted and untainted netheroe sanctuarium

Vatican news now

and look Andy the Catholic Church remains a vastly influential powerhouse.

The fallout from the institutional cover-up of large-scale child abuse has been significant and though the new Pope has shown an inclination towards reform questions remain about the practicality of a restrictive policy on birth control in the light of the AIDS epidemic in Africa and around the world.

Hold on, hold on, Andy.

Someone's sending cocaine to the Vatican.

Let's talk about that.

In an amazing sting, German officials claim that they intercepted a shipment of cocaine that was destined for the Vatican.

Officers at Leipzig Airport found 340 grams of the drug stored inside a shipment of cushions from South America.

Say what you like about this new Pope Andy.

He is shaking shit up over there.

For a start, this kind of makes sense.

Everything in the Vatican is incredibly expensive.

There is gold everywhere.

And perhaps the only way they could think to make everything even more luxurious is instead of stuffing cushions with feathers, stuffing them with cocaine.

Like holy sea scarfaces, Andy.

And the more amazing detail is that according to the German customs report, the cocaine was actually placed into 14 condoms.

And look, that is an intense level of irony.

Andy, the only way you could increase the degree of Catholic irony there was if the condoms of cocaine were in fact smuggled inside an altar boy.

That's the only way.

Do we know that

it doesn't have

to talk?

Talk faster, Andy.

You need to talk faster, not let that joke hang in the air.

I guess

you've left me on the edge of a mountain cliff, Andy.

Help me!

I guess if you're a German.

There can't be a long pause after that joke.

Any customs officer coming across a shipment of cushions from South America is going to think, well, this could be my lucky day.

I mean,

there is a possibility this was just a very delayed order that had been put in by Bugle favourite Pope John XII during his 10th century.

During his 10th century

reign of debauchery.

12 ounces of cocaine and 14 condoms that have done him for about a regular Saturday night in, by the sounds sounds of it.

It's possibly, I think, this was a Vatican experiment, John, to see if

cocaine and condoms, both frowned upon by God, the latter surprisingly seems more than the former, to see if whether when you put them together with condoms full of cocaine, they magically become incredibly holy, maybe even a transubstantiated finger of Jesus.

Because let's not forget that Jesus had magic fingers that could make people feel suddenly much better straight away and could probably stop them having babies if they didn't want them.

So a condom full of Charlie would seem to be the most obvious way for his finger to come amongst us.

He loved wine to a fault, if the wedding of Cana story is to be believed, and also the parable of the man who chained his buddy to a lamppost on a stag do there's anything to go by.

And he also had a bit of a biscuit craving going on too, the boy Christ.

Hence the wine and the wafers.

Coke-filled condom fingers seems just as theologically logical.

The package was apparently addressed to the Vatican Postal Office, meaning that any of the Vatican mini-state's 800 residents could have picked it up.

No one claimed a package, indicating that he or she, probably he, was tipped off about the plan.

The drugs would have had a street value of several tens of thousands of euros.

And the amazing thing is, Andy, that when you consider the kind of criminal activity the Catholic Church has been taking part in over the last 20 years, international cocaine dealing actually seems like a moral step forwards.

Talk, Andy!

Don't leave me on the edge of a cliff after that!

John, John, I think we've made our fragile peace with the Catholic Church over the years on this podcast.

That's true.

You know, we have already got at least four eternities in hell to look forward to.

There's

no point in trying to butter them up now.

So there you go.

Amongst the things that have brought most grief to humanity, it would have been remiss of us in this special episode not to tip our hats to the Catholic Church's antediluvian attitude to contraception and the life-shattering, ruthless misanthropy of the international drugs trade.

And there, John, was a story that brought the two together with absolutely hilarious consequences.

Designing the reverse side of the new £1 coin contest update.

And thank you for all of those who sent in entries

for this.

We've narrowed them down to a few potential candidates.

This one came in, and you're not the only person to suggest this, from John Taylor, who writes,

surely, given that the face of the the coin will have the queen's face on it, the only suitable thing for the backside of the coin is the Queen's backside.

Nothing graphic, the last thing we need is Liz Rex doing goatsy.

What is goatsy?

I don't.

I don't know.

Do you know what it is, Chris?

Yeah.

What is it?

Okay, I'm going to say this and we're instantly going to regret it because I think it will affect our relationship.

Okay.

Google it.

No, don't, no, don't, don't, don't, don't.

This never happened.

I'm not Googling this.

It never happened.

Is this some sort of advanced form of twerking?

Let's move on.

All right.

Move on.

Okay.

Maybe just a perky back view of the royal rump, perhaps with the cue bone throwing a coquettish look over one shoulder.

Her Majesty's money maker would get the pound out of people's pockets and get Britain spending again.

Yours patriotically, John Taylor.

And you would not believe, actually you would believe, buglers, how many of you have sent in suggestions featuring the Queen's sweet royal butt.

Now, I don't think that is...

I don't think we should allow that to go through.

Even Prince Philip is not allowed to look directly at the royal posterials.

He has to look at it through a mirror in case it turns him into solid gold.

It's like an inverse Medusa.

This one came in from Chris Otero.

He said, My suggestion for the back of the new coin is Margaret Thatcher in a nightgown on all fours, licking

an ice cream cone from John Oliver's outstretched hand, whilst Andy, dressed like Leonidas from 300, winds up to smack her ample bum with a cricket bat.

I apologise, says Chris Otero, for any psychological trauma I've just caused.

If that coin existed, Andy, it would take Britain back to a sheep-based bartering system.

It's a little bit like goatsy, that.

And Ollie Perks sent in a suggestion with some actual diagrams, mocked-up versions of the pound coin, which replaced the coin on the front with the bugle logo and had the recipients of the bugle f ⁇ eulogies on the obverse side, which, I mean, that would be a very interesting numismatic departure for Britain to have a coin commemorating some of its greatest enemies from recent years.

And Gordon in California suggested Isambard Kingdom Brunel sitting in a chair in a top hat with a musket, leaning against the chair as he watches a group of Scottish, Irish, and Indians build a bit of railroad whilst he sips a cup of tea.

I hope this is a worthy submission.

Good day.

I said good day.

That's

much more.

I mean, that is going back to why Britain has so much money to make into coins in the first place.

We have to remember, John, that one of the rules for this was that that it had to be something that could be drawn by my seven and five year old children.

I'm not sure we're getting too money that I'm going to be happy to say, okay, kids, we're doing some drawing homework now.

Can you do Isambard

Kingdom Brunel with a rifle?

And James Alario from Los Angeles suggested three choices.

He writes, dear Andy, John and Chris, in order of whom is most likely to get kicked out of a football match by dropping his pants, grabbing his franken beans and yelling, hey ref, I got your yellow card right here.

Here are my three choices.

One, Wayne Rooney's bare ass sitting on a cheese sandwich.

That's pretty British.

Two, a very sweaty guy Fawkes giving the middle finger directly at the person holding the coin.

Or three, Godzilla humping Big Ben.

Well that's,

well I guess I mean that's pretty much

a metaphor for the progress of the 20th century, isn't it?

So, though, thanks thanks for your entries.

They were a copious amount and we will submit them all to Buckingham Palace and await their response with bated breath.

Do keep your emails coming into info at thebuglepodcast.com.

Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle, and at our website, thebuglepodcast.com, you can get all your bugle merch, including a very fetching blue and yellow t-shirt.

I think that's all we've got time for this week.

John, best of luck with

your

trial show.

Thank you.

I hope you're not instantaneously sacked by HBO.

Me too, Andy.

That is also a thing I hope.

So we'll be back next week.

John might be back in London, trying to re-piece back together his career over here by then.

But hopefully, he'll still be in New York.

Until then, Buglers, goodbye.

Bye!

Hi, Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.