Bugle 263 – Giant Chicken Coops versus Terror

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The Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 263 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world with me Andy Zoltzmann back from India in London the city where stuff happens on an almost daily basis and in New York City New York it's the human drill bits drilling holes in the wall of lies and fearlessly erecting these shelving units of truth it's John Oliver hello at D hello buglers well and welcome back thanks mate from India thank you welcome back where apparently I believe you did a gig In front of Sashintendulka.

Now for those of you who don't know, he's one of the greatest cricketers who's ever swung a bat around at a red round thing.

It's like doing jokes in front of Michael Jordan.

It's like doing puns in front of Pele.

It's a lot of pressure on it.

Now, did little Sashin laugh?

He did laugh, John.

Yes.

I mean, that wasn't necessarily shared by the entire audience, but

it doesn't matter.

When you do the gig with Sashintulka, you're listening for one laugh, and it's his.

It was, as you say, quite an odd gig.

I was doing a couple of stand-up routines in the

ESPN Crick Info annual awards ceremony and I had to do a routine about Sachin Tendulka while standing about five yards away from Sachin Tendulka and Mrs.

Tendulka which is

which is I mean it's quite odd doing comedy about someone when they're actually there unless of course you're a very amusing lawyer in court

yeah

but um and also he was he was picking up an award basically for being Sachin Tendulka so he's kind of the guest yeah guest of honour and also I mean you have to be a bit careful what you say about Sachin in in India he is he is sort of rightly revered there and saying anything even mildly critical

is basically like standing up in America and shouting, George Washington, what a c ⁇ ,

and

seeing what comes your way.

So

it was odd, yes, but he laughed, I would say, sufficiently.

Yes.

And that is all you're looking for in any gig.

Sufficient laughter.

You basically want people walking away from your gigs going, did you enjoy that?

It was sufficient.

An elegant

sufficiency.

That's what you're looking for.

You don't want people to overlaugh, leave feelings bloated.

That's the worst thing that could happen.

So, this is Bugle 263 for the beginning Monday, the 24th of March, 2014, which is to the day, the 20,000th anniversary of a caveman called Uthig getting drunk on fermented berries and killing himself in a high-speed mammoth crash.

As always,

some sections of the bugle going straight in the bin.

This week, a free splat of mud, a teach yourself to shout supplement, and also an appeal for sport relief.

It is sport relief day today here in Britain, John.

And it's very important,

a charity close to our hearts, raising money to help those whose lives are ruined by an excessive interest in sports.

It's going to affect their relationships, their jobs, their career prospects, leaving many sufferers almost unable and certainly unwilling to interact with any form of reality.

This really is a cause that both John and I really need a cure to be found for.

It's too late for us, but there's still some hope for my children and John's dog, so please give generously.

Top story this week, Crimea identity crisis.

And look, it's a confusing time to be a Crimean, Andy.

They understandably don't really know who they are deep down right now.

Are they Ukrainian?

Are they Russian?

Are they independently Crimean?

Are they somehow Belgian?

I mean, holy shit, Andy.

Have they gone through this and through some clumsily misfiled paperwork, they're inexplicably ending up Belgian?

I guess anything's possible at that point, but that would be terrible.

When we last bugled, tensions between the US and Russia were like a fiery six-layer burrito.

They were uncomfortably spicy.

But thankfully, what seemed to be heading towards Cold War II has instead ended up being limited to passive-aggressive pettiness.

And as for Ukraine, things are still unresolved.

Now, the people of Crimea went to the polls this week to take part in a referendum which the entire international community refused to recognize and which Russia regarded as completely legitimate.

It became clear that the only function of the referendum was really going to be purely symbolic and that symbol was likely to be a giant middle finger in the colours of the Russian flag pointed firmly in the direction of Kiev.

In the end, the results of the referendum were a massive 97%

of people voted for independence.

A number you could only really describe as suspiciously high.

Yeah, I've done some research into this, John.

That is a higher percentage than the percentage of Dutch men who enjoy sex, according to an official Dutch government investigation.

Nothing can be that popular.

Surely.

No thing, no single thing can be that popular.

Yeah, that's the problem.

Putin has really overstepped with this, because if you're going to stage a sham referendum, you still have to obey the basic rules of cheating.

There is still honor among thieves.

You can't have anything now.

No one's going to believe 97%.

It's undeniably true.

The Crimea is largely ethnically Russian, and a majority of the population would like to be part of Russia.

But not 97%, Andy.

That's a higher approval rate than ice cream.

And everyone

loves ice cream.

That's a higher approval rate than Dutch men having sex whilst eating an ice cream and that's that is over a hundred percent and you might think that's not mathematically possible go to holland step off a train the first thing you'll see is a Dutch man having sex with a bowl of ice cream with a look on his face of pure happiness the level of which you don't recognize the point is numbers don't apply on that in that particular situation.

There is a genuine sense of turbulence in the air air around Crimea.

Literally, in fact, my flight back from India went over the Black Sea on Tuesday, and there was literal turbulence.

It was like being inside the stomach of a 1980s trade unionist with a fetish for buffon-haired, powerful blonde women, catching a glimpse of Margaret Thatcher coming out of the shower, naked as an egg, singing, I'm going to close that mind to the tune of Blue Moon.

Proper churn, John.

It was a proper churn.

Specific reference, Andy.

Very specific.

The vote itself was rigged before a single ballot was cast simply by what was on the ballot itself because there was no real no option for this vote.

There were two choices and they were one, do you want to be part of Russia?

or two, do you want to be independent with links to Ukraine?

And the problem with that last option is that the Crimean Parliament had already said that its first act of independence, should it become independent, was to immediately declare Crimea as part of Russia.

So the choice essentially was, do you want to join Russia now or would you like to join Russia later?

With a potential follow-up option or

would you really prefer to go f ⁇ yourself?

Pick any one of those three.

You are free to.

Is it democracy fun?

Russia was also quick to point out that there were international observers.

of the referendum there, international election observers, although it's worth pointing out that while yes, technically that is true, all of those international observers were in fact Russian.

And much of the observation they were observing was done through the scope of a Kalashnikov rifle.

It was basically a lot of very Russian-dressed soldiers saying, Oh, please, please, do not panic.

I'm not pointing a gun at you.

It's just better to watch the majesty of the democratic process through the sight of this rifle.

Also, please do not be alarmed if I celebrate you exercising your majestic right to vote by firing a celebratory round just over your head.

Just over.

At the end of all this, democracy has been left standing in the middle looking rather confused and a little distraught.

And it's been a tough time for democracy in this whole dispute because

it all started with the Ukrainian president, Viktor Yanukovych, being overthrown.

He was the democratically elected

who was formerly in charge of Ukraine.

But, you know, but a democratically elected John, albeit that he was democratically elected and not exactly the most taint-free bit of

democracy that we've ever seen.

And he was ousted by a mixture of different groups, some pro-Western, hooray, and some strongly nationalistic, boo.

And history shows that when you have a cocktail of booze and hoorays, foreign policy gets complicated and often ends up with an ooh.

I hope I've explained that in accessible terms.

It's a tricky situation.

The non-Russian members of the international community are reacting by largely not recognising the referendum, which is another way of saying they're desperately ignoring it and pretending that it didn't happen and they're also arguing over what kind of sanctions to inflict on Russia now in the US there was much talk of strong sanctions Andy strong strong sanctions and when they came down they seemed to have all the strength of an anemic kitten with low muscle mass because it turned out that the first batch of sanctions were targeted at a list of seven Russian officials and four Crimean officials.

So 11 people in total Andy.

That's not a powerful demonstration of international consensus towards punishment.

That's a football team.

To make the list even worse, of those seven Russian officials, Vladimir Putin's name was not among them.

So I can only assume that this entire annexation of the Crimea is happening without his knowledge, Andy.

Maybe it's going to be a surprise 62nd birthday present for the man.

Vladimir, surprise!

We know that you've had your eye on a largely pointless peninsula for a while now.

This is perfect for you.

I hope you enjoy it.

And if you don't, it doesn't matter.

It's largely symbolic.

France have been equally strong.

They've said they may possibly cancel a contract for building two warships for Russia.

May.

Wow.

Wow.

John Kerry, of course,

he's been as good as his word, John.

He said there will be a response of some kind.

And, you know,

these sanctions on 11 people, that's some kind.

There have been been travel bans, John, on various prominent Russians.

And no doubt it's very disappointing if you're a multi-billion ruble Russian oligarch.

If you no longer have the option of taking your annual caravanning holiday in Bogna Regis on the south coast of Britain.

That has to sting like a sunburned gherkin, John.

These are strong sanctions, John.

Well, also, the Russians on the American sanctions list seem strangely, completely unconcerned with the crippling measures that they're under.

A number of them have pointed out that having U.S.

assets frozen was not likely to affect them due to the fact that they didn't have any US assets.

One man in particular, Vadislav Serkov, a top Putin supporter, actually sounded thrilled about being on the list saying, it's a big honor for me.

I don't have accounts abroad.

The only things that interest me in the US are, and this is an exact quote, Tupac Shakur, Alan Ginsburg, and Jackson Pollock.

I don't need a visa to access their work.

I lose nothing.

Now,

I will say, that's a pretty broad range of cultural references right there.

The poetry of Ginsburg, the painting of Pollock and the raptacular rhymes of Tubac.

If you like all three of those you essentially like the entire spectrum of American culture.

But Russia announced that they would retaliate in kind with the foreign ministry denouncing American sanctions as a tool from the arsenal of the past saying that they would backfire and the statement continuing saying there should be no doubt for every hostile attack we will respond appropriately.

and fire back they did Andy by yes, you've guessed it putting sanctions on 11 American figures including John McCain and majority whip Dick Durbin who presumably is about to release a statement saying it's a bit of an honor for me I don't have accounts abroad the only things that interest me in Russia are Stravinsky Maria Sharipova and Yakov Smirnov I don't need a visa to access their work I lose nothing Durbin out

this is good and we've come a a long way from the Cuban missile crisis and the mutually assured destruction has been replaced with mutually assured bitchiness just crotch team old men sniping at each other

the international community have uh clubbed together to help uh help ukraine the eu has signed um the association deal with the ukraine which uh was why this whole kind of domino topple began uh a few months ago and also various international nations have said that they will compensate ukraine for the loss of its crimean territory by donating slivers of land from their own countries to the Ukraine.

The UK is offering the north coast of Norfolk, including the holiday resort of Cromer, whilst Spain has offered Portugal.

And the USA is rumoured to be

considering offering Miami.

So there you go.

It's a win-win situation for everyone.

Putin's argument for the annexation is that the Crimea is historically Russian.

But that argument is

always historically a slippery slope.

Because it also leaves him wide open to the ancient Greeks coming back to life like the skeletons in Jason and the Argonauts and reclaiming the Crimea as Turika the land that Heracles once zoomed around on doing doughnuts on his mighty ox and also

even more importantly it leaves the door wide open to the Queen coming back here to the US and claiming it as historically British which it is Andy well it I mean we talk about dodgy declarations of independence such as the Crimean one America was founded on that John founded how can it possibly lecture Russia without first withdrawing the declaration of independence and becoming part of the united kingdom again i think that was the very least that barack obama should be doing this is an illegitimate nation andy

and

probably seeing you moving

probably seeing you moving back home in a couple of weeks john no please no please no it's clear i'm not wanted there

But whatever you say, look, Putin wanted the Crimea.

It looks like he's going to get it.

I guess, technically, he wins.

But what exactly is his prize?

Because he's given up a lot.

Andy, he's internationally isolated now.

He's spent a huge amount of political capital on this.

What exactly has he won?

Because Crimea produces a tenth of the energy it consumes.

Russia will reportedly have to spend five to six billion dollars on Crimea, five billion just to run the budget there, with an extra billion for Crimean pensions.

And that will be an expense that only gets bigger because Crimean people do not die Andy historically they can take a huge punch no Crimean has ever died they just become human raisins that's a fact I think what this whole Farago shows John is

the veracity of the words of the great Roman philosopher and circus entertainer Maximus Decimus Meridius who so memorably said what we do in this life echoes in eternity and there are some pretty loud echoes bouncing around the Ukraine and Crimea John John.

Echoes from the empires, the wars, the political shittery, the catastrophic failures, and above all, the territorial dick swinging and horse trading of the past, particularly in many parts of Eastern Europe, like

the Ukraine, where sovereignty and control has often been passed around like a 1970s Dutch football.

And one of the loudest echoes is of communist Russia vomiting all over its own trousers, belching at incredible volume, and saying to itself, oh, I still feel like shit.

Presidential home improvements news now and South African President Jacob Zuma has been officially slammed for using state money to improve his own rural residence beyond what you might consider reasonable.

He has spent 23 million US dollars improving his private home.

And amongst the improvements that he has included are a swimming pool, a cattle enclosure, a football pitch, and just in case, an amphitheater.

Now,

we all need a few things to pep us up and help us work a little bit more productively.

And, you know, I guess if you're a president, you never fully switch off.

You do a lot of your work at home.

I mean, we all have these things to help us work.

I mean, you, I know, John, in your new office for your new show, have a bouncy castle modelled on Alcatraz Prison to make you feel more American.

I need it, Andy.

And I, in my office, have a video of you on a loop on a special screen bouncing up and down on your inflatable alcatraz, shouting, come on, Andy, stop checking the cricket scores and write a joke about American foreign policy.

You need that, Andy.

So we both have the things that we need.

Some people have stress toys or micro shrines of their favourite pagan deity.

They might have pictures of their spouse and children to remind them of why they plow into work every day to do something that they hate in exchange for slightly less money than it's probably worth.

Or even to remind them of why carrying on that affair with their hot colleague is on balance, probably worth it.

Our own British Prime Minister David Cameron has fitted 10 Downing Street with a a realistic 19th century street scene full of urchin children and benevolent businessmen in waistcoats saying, don't worry, young lad, it's perfectly natural to be an orphan at your age.

Come and clean the chimney in one of my houses and you can help build a better Britain.

He's put it in just to try and help focus everyone's minds in cabinet meetings on what they're trying to achieve.

And if Jacob Zuma, to get the most from his personal well of talent and inspiration, needs an amphitheatre to work to 100% productivity, so be it, John.

If he needs a football pitch, a cattle enclosure, helipads, plural, new houses for multiple members of his family, and bear in mind he has an unfeasible quantity of wives, some spare new houses, just in case he gets more wives, a giant state-of-the-art chicken coop, and I don't know if the coop was giant and state-of-the-art or the chickens were, but probably both.

They're wireless, those chickens, I've heard, and 3D as well.

If he needs all that, so be it.

Yes, some so-called official public report might accuse Zuma of, quotes, unconscionable and excessive misappropriation of public funds.

But they would say that, wouldn't they?

And maybe the the reason that leaders and politicians around the world throughout history have generally been so unpopular is because they didn't have a fing amphitheatre at their personal disposal.

I don't know how crackpot pervert Roman

Emperor Nero fits into that equation.

Probably an exception that proves the rule.

But if you're president of South America, and I'm not saying you are, I'm just saying if, all right, and you're struggling with a thorny political issue like the massive continuing inequalities of post-apartheid South Africa or the HIV epidemic.

or how to replace Graham Smith and Jack Callis in your national cricket team after the retirement of the two long-standing stalwarts of the SARS.

You know, really big, big national issues, and you reach a bit of an ampas.

And obviously, you're going to want to have the option of saying, shall we lighten the mood a bit by watching some Christians fight some lions?

Yeah, yeah.

Last one there's a loser.

You have to have that possibility, John.

I couldn't agree more, Andy.

Being president of South Africa is not an easy job.

That is a divided country.

You need people to respect you.

And how can you not respect a leader who has a personal amphitheatre?

It's impossible.

Even if you do not like him, even if you do not support him, you look at a leader with a personal amphitheatre and you say, he's got something.

He's clearly got something.

Also, all of these upgrades were apparently part of a security upgrade.

That is how they signed off on the budget.

And again, Andy, I've got no problem with that.

First, the football pitch, very important.

You know, if insurgents ever storm that compound, no one can cross a football pitch without being tempted to have a quick kickabout.

It's can't be done.

That could buy vital time.

So straight away, that's not a problem.

Okay, let's move on to the cattle enclosure and the swimming pool.

Both again, obviously a huge deal.

Very important.

Now, what if any of the insurgents want to just pat a cow for a bit?

Again, vital time.

What if they want to have a dip?

Okay, for also, that is a security system against your security system because if the cattle escape and they're very angry with the massive waste of public money they've seen going on, Zuma needs somewhere to hide.

The center of the swimming pool would be the best place.

Cattle cannot swim, Andy.

Testify.

Well, also, I mean, you've got to think of this, again, from a military perspective.

We know how spy satellites are used these days.

And anyone wanting to launch an aerial air attack, traditionally aerial, historically, on Zuma is going to be scouring the satellite photos of South Africa trying to find out where he might live and they're going to look upon this and they're going to think, right, he's a president of South Africa.

What we're looking at here has got a swimming pool, seemingly too many houses for one president.

It's got a football pitch.

I can't see why a president would have a football.

This is some kind of cultural place.

It's got a giant chicken coop.

No president has time to look after giant chickens.

No, no, this definitely is not Zuma's house.

They thought through it, John.

It's all entirely justified.

And also, if you have as many wives as Jacob Zuma, then probably having an amphitheater is just a convenient way of holding family gatherings.

Exactly.

I need to speak to the whole family.

Everyone gather in the amphitheater.

Who?

And this is a key family note.

Who has been finging with my giant chicken coop?

I know it's somebody.

I know it's somebody.

So I need to see some hands go up.

Nobody touches daddy's giant chicken coop.

And who sniggered when I said that?

Get out of the giant amphitheatre.

Also, chickens are notoriously social animals.

You know, he's probably testing out important political policies on chickens in a controlled environment to see if he can roll them out across the line.

He's just doing his research.

Exactly.

But you need a giant chicken coop so you can say, will these chickens let me get away with building a swimming pool and an amphitheatre in public money?

Yes, the chickens got a little bit annoyed by that, to be honest.

But then I just threw a bit of seed down and they forgot about it.

I think I can get away with it.

Puerto Rican news now and Puerto Rico is going through some tough economic times, but they are responding with some bold action, namely by asking their own citizens to send in ideas on how to fix the economy

that must really breed confidence amongst the Puerto Rican people

basically having your government saying well

bottom line we're f ⁇ ing if we know what to do anyone else got any ideas

that's not ideal the chief of staff of the island Ingrid Via said Puerto Ricans could submit specific and viable proposals on a government website.

She said she welcomed ideas on how to prevent the exodus of skilled workers from puerto rico and also how to tackle uh the large informal economy uh also the one of the problems is their official figures have their unemployment rate at 15.2 percent and uh well i'm sure they're looking forward to their specific and viable proposals uh but

that must be some suggestions box andy that's all i'm saying Apparently they're currently claiming that some ideas were submitted immediately after the website was launched, including proposals to build affordable housing and to attract foreign investment.

But that was was not all of the suggestions, was it, Andy?

Release the files.

Because I'm guessing there were some other suggestions of, let's say, intricate drawings of penises and notes saying, here's a suggestion for how to fix the economy.

Do your jobs better.

Here's another intricate drawing of my penis.

Well, I'll release the files.

They have to release some of the files because the web, the official government website where you can submit your suggestion, does list some of the things that have been sent in.

And clearly, this must have been moderated because, as you say, I don't believe any nation, no matter whether or not it's been going through eight years of constant recession, will have people mature enough not to put in pictures of their penis.

That's right.

Because it does appear that Puerto Ricans have been disappointingly quite grown up.

There have been proposals for economic incentives for young entrepreneurs, the revitalization of urban centres, agricultural development.

One suggestion just simply says flog everything to the Russians, the Chinese and anyone else with a bit of spare cash and that is signed love from Britain.

Seems to be working for us.

But no one has put that I saw join a space race, put a Puerto Rican on the moon to take everyone's mind off things, personalise nuclear deterrence, stilts for all teachers to give them a greater aura of authority in classrooms and make the elderly wrestle each other and raise money through dodgy online bookmakers.

This a compulsory national Puerto Rican trampolining session once a month to lighten the mood.

I cannot believe Puerto Ricans would not have suggested at least three of those ideas.

Apparently, there was an email suggestion from a Jay Zuma in South Africa as well, saying, Have you tried a giant chicken cook?

Also, there have been calls to scrap a particular television channel, which either makes that channel very good or very bad.

It's often almost impossible to tell the difference between good and bad television, a philosophical phenomenon known as the 24 paradox.

NASA news now and the Puerto Rican government is not the only one looking for suggestions because NASA is currently opening a contest to see if anyone can come up with a way to spot asteroids.

NASA's contest is called the Asteroid Data Hunter and it wants you to create new and improved algorithms to find potentially dangerous asteroids in space that might be hurtling towards Earth.

Well, I for one am in Andy.

I love competitions.

I love asteroids.

That's why every year at Halloween, I enter competitions dressed up like a slutty, massive rock.

Now, NASA's judging from the way that you read that bit out, John, you might love asteroids and competitions, but you're not quite so hot on algorithms.

I can't stand algorithms.

Luckily, I love asteroids and competitions more than I hate algorithms.

Just.

NASA's even produced a video helping people who want to enter, giving them some direction.

And one part of the video says, asteroids like to swing by for a visit from time to time the problem is when they get a little too friendly and crash into us wait

that's that's it's a slightly patronizing tone this is the people who burn man on the moon john what has happened to this organization it's a little strange that tone annie they're basically talking to people like they think we're children who've been the victim of an asteroid sexual assault

Show me on the globe where the asteroid slammed into you.

Was it near your coastline?

Because that's not okay.

It's not your fault

they even try to indicate the importance of uh this challenge saying the dinosaur god would have cared i want to pick up on nasa's use of language is this how they've always taught this is how they sold the moon landing to leil armstrong so we're going to take you to a special play place where you can bounce around with your friends

Maybe it is.

Well, it gets even worse because they tried to indicate the scale of the problem saying the dinosaurs would have cared if they knew about this problem.

Let's be smarter than them.

Twitch.

Set your sights high, NASA.

Smarter than the dinosaurs.

To which, I imagine Barney the dinosaur was excitedly sitting in front of his computer at home trying to enter the contest, hearing that quote and saying, hey,

you

my whole family died.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We couldn't build an intricate computerized early warning system because our arms were too small.

And sometimes our brains are in our tails.

F

you!

One thing's for sure, Andy, the reward has got to be huge.

I mean, if you win, you're basically responsible for saving the entire planet, and by extension, you're responsible for the survival of our species.

So, you know, I checked the reward on offer, and apparently, and this is true, NASA are putting up $35,000 in prizes

total.

That's a lot of money.

That's

$35,000.

Andy, if you go on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, you can win $32,000 if you can name which one of four plays was not written by Shakespeare.

And for only three grand more, you basically have to be a real-life Bruce Willis.

This is bullshit.

And if any of you are struggling with that question, the odd one out was Mickey Penis and the Magic Testicles.

He never published this.

That was a draft.

Yeah,

that was the first folio play for what became Macbeth.

The testicles became witches.

Well, they dared the truth.

$35,000.

That just does not stack up for saving the world.

Jesus was on at least that

per week, John.

Per week.

It's not worth it.

He was on silly money, Jesus.

He blew most of it.

Silly money.

He blew most of it on donkeys.

I mean, it was very much the pre-car era, but he always liked to be seen on the very latest donkey.

But, you know, his money, he earned it.

He could do what he likes with it.

Jen Gustetic, the executive of this program, said, protecting the planet from the threat of asteroid impacts means first knowing where those asteroids are.

Well, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to work that out.

Although, probably helps if you live and work with rocket scientists.

Competition time now, and and very exciting news here, John.

There's going to be a new pound coin

coming out in 2017, billed by the Royal Mint, who make our money, as the most secure coin in the world.

It's going to be a two-tone coin,

bit of gold, bit of silver, 12 sides.

It's going to be impossible to forge, apparently, due to modern technology, which will make the Queen's face wink suggestively when used to buy a packet of condoms.

That is going to be the test for whether or not this coin is genuine.

And a competition is being held to design the flipped, the back side of this coin.

That is true.

Very exciting competition.

Obviously, the front side will have the unbelievably majestic Her Majesty the Queen.

Very, very majestic for a 5'3-inch octogenarian whose best athletic days are arguably behind her.

But she still managed to crank out that majesticness like a Pika or Roger Federer turning Leighton Hewitt into a kids' pack lunch.

But anyway, the Q-tip herself will be on the front.

Apparently she's going to be quite low-cut on this one, but still classy.

But in a world-exclusive deal with the Royal Mints, we are delighted to announce that the Bugle has been commissioned to design the reverse sides of

this new coin in a statement issued by Chief

Numismatographist.

I can't even say my own mate.

Keep swinging, Andy.

Keep swinging.

We're in a tin-cup Kevin Costner situation here, Andy.

Take another swing.

The chief

mismatographist.

Yes, he's on the green.

It's very hard to know if I pronounce that right or not, given that I've just made that word up.

The chief new mismatographer, new mismat, new mismographographer, Sir Ellsworth Vines.

Inner statement,

this is a lot of effort for a lie.

That's the only way you can make people believe them, John.

He said, the bugle has come to epitomize everything about modern Britain.

It is a global production with a global reach.

It has proved remarkably resilient over many years, despite many people thinking it would simply wither and fade away.

It is based in London and dominated by two white men who were educated in the southeast of England, one of whom fled the country, sorry, left the country in search of greater opportunity overseas.

It steadfastly uses only one language.

It has a deeply unimpressive record for gender equality.

It cannot be trusted to tell the truth.

It's very immature in its dealings with foreigners, often resorting to outdated stereotypes.

and it's been a long time in the pocket of Rupert Murdoch.

This show is the most British thing out there today so we have commissioned it to design our new coin.

So this is it the new Britcoin

Some people think Britcoin is currency based on fancy economics that will be obsolete in the not too distant future but still we're getting a new one pound coin.

Do send in a written description of what you think should be on the back of the new one pound coin in not more than 100 words.

And I will get my children to draw the best submissions

in homage to our great national heritage of exploiting the world's vulnerable employment.

It's a partner sweatshop.

I'm just saying, Don, it is homage to our national heritage of exploiting vulnerable employment groups to build our national wealth.

That's what this country was built on, John.

And what is more fitting for the pound, Andy?

That's right.

So please, no penises, no testiclottils, nothing rude, no Romey rods and Veguliets, please, nothing like that.

And we will graffiti the top resulting images directly onto onto Buckingham Palace for the Queen to peruse and adjudicate on and the coin should be in production within four or five minutes you might just want to reiterate no penises Andy because I'd already forgotten

so do email

what you think should be on the flip side of a new one coin to info at thebuglepodcast.com

Your emails now and well there have been two main stories that have been absolutely bombarding our inbox this week.

One I will come to in due course.

And the other is the tragically late death of the Westboro Baptist church leader, Fred Phelps, the massively anti-gay, hate-fueled preacher, I guess, who died at the age of

the undeserved age of 84.

And I do hope that he has spent the time since that death meeting his Maker and that God's attended that meeting dressed head to toe in the spangliest gold lame available to him.

But a number of you have contented us saying,

Will Fred Phelps get a f eulogy?

And well, John,

as the founder of the fk eulogy, you have rejected this

occasion.

No, no, he can't have one because he wants one, Andy.

You can't have a f eulogy if you want one.

He's a sniveling little prick, that man.

And he shouldn't, you shouldn't give him the oxygen of even mentioning his name.

He should die irrelevant.

It would have been so much better if everyone had just completely ignored his passing.

Like the complete waste of air that he was.

Doesn't matter.

You can't have a fing eulogy.

He's not right.

You don't get to be in those hallowed halls.

I think that's a very good, very good

technical rejection.

Yeah.

And the other story that

probably hundreds, if not thousands, of you have alerted us to via various mediums is of the Australian cricketer.

called Daniel Worrell, who has been suspended for scratching a penis and testicles into the pitch.

Now, obviously, this, as many of you have suggested, is a story that, you know, we cannot justifiably overlook as a reputable news organisation, as we are.

The cricketer Daniel Worrell plays for the South Australia Redbacks and has been suspended for breaching Cricket Australia's code of behaviour, which...

Right, hold on.

He was punished.

I presume you meant he was suspended so they could give him an award somewhere.

Saying, you can't play in this game.

We need you to fly you to a massive award ceremony in a stadium.

Well, look at historically how Australian cricketers have been behaved.

I mean, it comes as a bit of a surprise to know they do have a code of behaviour and that this behaviour is in contravention of that.

Jamie Cox, that is the man's genuine name,

the

South Australia Cricket Association general manager.

Oh, no, no, no.

Yeah, I mean,

it's an unfortunate coincidence.

Very, very fine cricketer in his time, played for Somerset as well.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter, Andy.

It will not be remembered.

He said, we are extremely disappointed in Daniel's actions.

It is not in line with the behaviour we expect of a Redbacks player.

Now this, John, is where we get to an explanation of why this happened.

Why would a cricketer scratch a penis and testicles into the surface of a cricket pitch?

And it comes down to this name, the Redbacks that this team is named after.

The Redback is a spider, John.

It is a spider in which the male is tiny and the female is enormous.

And generally, after mating, the lady redback eats the male redback in a relaxing post-coital snack.

The female can be 50 times the size of the male.

So basically this cricketer, John, is playing for a side that is named after a creature whose male is fatally submissive, often willingly, apparently.

According to some research, a male deliberately places himself near the mouth of a female, facilitating his own demise.

And the biological reason...

for this two-for-one hump and eat meal deal is A, to prolong intercourse, increasing the chances of fertilization, and B, to provide a nutritional supplement for the female.

So psychologically, what must these male spiders think?

Is it understandable

that one of the players for this team felt the need to express his masculinity by staubing a penis and testicles on a pitch?

The red-backed spider is not only submissive to the point of death, but it is frankly lethally perverted, turned on by the idea of being eaten by a massive woman 50 times his size.

Are there not websites that cater for that kind of thing these days?

Also, clearly a hopeless shag.

The only way his lover can attain satisfaction is by eating him to death to stop him coming too early.

And is viewed as such a hopeless long-term parenting prospect that it's better to eat him now to get some nutritional value out of the bastard rather than have him around when Little Spider-Kins pops out to be a hopelessly meek and tiny dad.

Which in turn is unsurprising given that this freeloading little dweeb hangs around on the edge of the lady spider's web and steals her leftovers.

Not exactly a prime catch for an ambitious 21st century career spiderette.

This is John, one of the world's most unimpressive males, and all this despite having two penises.

So of course a player for a team called the redbacks is going to draw a penis and nut clutters on a cricket pitch whilst muttering to himself i'm a man i'm not a redback i'm a man he's been broken john by the marketing men he's an australian john it's a macho culture and this male redback spider is one of the most pathetic examples of masculinity known to science and i say this as someone who is a pathetic example of masculinity known to science i have a um

what's the word mate wife wife i don't know the technicalities who is significantly more impressive than me intellectually emotionally physically.

She's not 50 times as big as me, I hasten to add.

But next to the redbacks spider, I come across as like a cross between Warren Beatty and a killer whale.

They might as well have called them the Adelaide Doreens or the South Australian Tinkerbells.

There was nothing more inevitable in the world than a red backs cricketer drawing male genitals on a cricket pitch.

It's all marketing, John.

21st century morality type.

That's all we have time for this week.

Thanks for your emails.

Keep them coming into info at thebuglepodcast.com.

Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com/slash the hyphen bugle.

And the merch and voluntary subscriptions links are on thebuglepodcast.com.

That is it.

No, no, no further questions.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.