Bugle 244 – Russian into battle

This is a podcast from thebuglepodcast.com.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 244 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning Monday the 12th of August 2013.

I am Andy Zaltzmann in London from where there is nothing to report and in New York City firing his hilarity harpoon into the porpoise of pomposity.

It's John Oliver.

Hello Andy.

Hello buglers.

That was a mercy harpooning just in case animal rights.

That porpoise needed to be put out of his misery.

It's misery being it's a f ⁇ ing porpoise Andy.

It was a terrible life.

So one more week of my daily show pseudo host summer adventure, Andy.

I'm within four shows of managing to hand the office back to Jon Stewart in an unlikely one piece, which is classically the exact point at which...

I think you'd probably expect me to do something which somehow causes the building to collapse at the seams.

I'm sure there's a button somewhere under the desk that John has written do not touch on, which I'm going to at some point accidentally knock into with my knee, inexplicably launching the entire studio 150 feet into the air.

Or maybe everything will be fine.

The point is, feel free to watch this week and find out.

Now, bugle-wise, we're going to be off for the next few weeks as we're taking a summer break.

And you're going on holiday, I believe.

Yeah, hello.

To sunny Spain.

Well, Viva España.

That's right.

And

I'm going somewhere absolutely ridiculous on a USO tour almost as soon as we finish the show next week.

I can't talk about exactly where right now, but it should certainly make for some pretty incredible stories when I get back.

What's this space?

So yeah, we'll be off, I think, for the next

three weeks.

But of course you can console yourself, buglers, by booking tickets to my run at the Soho Theatre in September.

Perfect.

Perfect way to go.

That should pass some of the time.

Some of the time.

Yep.

For the Satirist for Hire show, and you can email your satirical commissions in to satirise this at satiristforhire.com.

So I've even set up an email for it, John.

It's awesome.

So since we last spoke to you, John, we won the ashes.

the ashes

the ashes we beat Australia with the concept of weather that's right we won the ashes in probably the least heroic and spectacular sporting victory of all time as England who were in the process of essentially being thrashed sat in a building watching rain fall until time had run out it was one of one of the great victories

uh

you know was did this lessen the achievement john you know if edmund hillary and Tenzin Norgay had woken up to find that the top of Mount Everest had fallen off in the night, leaving them snoozing already on the top of the mountain, would that have lessened their achievement?

Only slightly, but it would certainly have taken some of the thrill out of the moment of conquest, which is basically how I see that.

So yeah, England clinching the ashes.

This is Bugle 244.

244, of course, the responses given by Churchill, Stalin, and Roosevelt at the press conference in Yalta in 1945 when asked by a journalist from Nuts magazine how many testicles they each had.

Churchill, honest Brit, said two.

Stalin, never afraid to talk things up, went with four.

Roosevelt, couldn't be seen to be outdone by the Russians, also went with four.

Monday the 12th of August, John, a historic day in the history of the universe.

It will be 130 years to the day since the extinction of the quagger.

That's a horse-like zebra or zebra-like horse, depending on whether you're a man or a woman, I think.

And the last specimen popped its clog in Amsterdam in 1883.

Just one week later, fashion designer Coco Chanel was born for the first and only time.

Read into that what you will.

I'm just saying, it's a bit fing weird how many how so many of her clothes were stripey on top and not stripey lower down and with a tail.

I've no idea if any of that is true.

Did she make stripey clothes, Chris?

You know all about fashion, don't you, mate?

Yeah, she was famous for a 1927 stripes range.

Right, there you go.

As promoted by Johnny Cash, of course.

Yep, got stripes right around my shoulders.

530 years ago, as we record,

9th of August, the first ever mass in the new Sistine Chapel.

That was in 1483.

All kinds of fancy stuff all over the walls, but the ceiling, oh well, the ceiling.

We all know that 25 years later, as reported as long ago as Bugle 34, it was sorted out by Michelangelo, Mickey Paintbrush himself.

But why did he have to do it?

Well,

whilst Pope Sixtus IV might have commissioned top painters to do the walls, like your peruginos and your botted shellis, he ran a bit short on budget for the ceiling and ended up hiring Brian's Home Interiors, a British decoration company based in Lewisham in southeast London.

The eponymous Brian, a 45-year-old painter decorator, and his mate Ian, Ditto, pitched up with a chapel with some ladders and a load of work experience kids.

One week later, all done.

Massive picture of a crucified Jesus holding a pint of beer with the slogan, Clompton Kentish Ales.

Father, forgive them, they know just how to brew.

Oh, said Sixtus the Fourth.

That's why your quote was so low.

Stayed for 25 years until Michelangelo was called in to sort it out.

Ah, there you go.

530 years ago.

Fascinating story, Andy.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week.

Your health.

Love it or hate it.

Being healthy is all the rage these days.

And not a day goes by without some primped-up lunatic walting out of a laboratory telling us that if you eat A, you'll live forever, but if you drink B, you'll deservedly die the next day.

And after more scientific research, quotes, suggested that drinking cocoa can stop old people going bonkers.

Come on, let them have something.

It's one of the few privileges of old age.

We give you the rundown on the latest health advice from Signor Science, including eating a whole pizza by laying it on your face and eating your way out can make you crash your car.

Drinking swan's milk can aggravate feelings of social alienation unless you milk the swan in private first.

Eating bricks can damage your teeth.

Birthday cakes with icing shaped like a sports pitch and with little sporting figures on it doesn't necessarily make you better at that sport, but it might.

And thinking about Che Guevara playing table tennis can cure arthritis.

Also, Chimichunga makes you younger.

That's from a South African researcher.

And we give you the latest from the

psychology foods.

Baguettes can help you balance on a tightrope.

Cauliflower makes your brain go crunchy and erectile dysfunction.

Try carrots.

That section in the bit.

Top story this week: Cold War II.

This time, it's chilly.

The US and Russia are fighting again, Andy, and it's great to see such a classic international rivalry at each other's throats once more.

It's what scuffle fans around the world have been waiting for.

This is the Yankees-Red Sox marquee match of passive aggression.

It's the Ross and Rachel relationship of will they, won't they, destroy each other and the entire planet with their electrifying chemistry?

This this latest psychological snafu has of course been brewing up since Edward Snowden, the official Sir Leexalot, moved into the Moscow airport terminal checking in with a large amount of diplomatic baggage.

Russia has apparently given him temporary papers meaning that he can leave the airport which where I'm sure he'll be free to go wherever he likes, Andy, and that Putin in no way will be watching every time he so much as thinks about blinking.

Well, as you say, much to everyone's relief, the Cold War is back on after Barack Obama threw his diplomatic toys out of the presidential pram about Snowden and they are once again at each other's throats like two top surgeons in a one-on-one emergency tracheotomy competition.

And this has been the kind of result of some kind of growing tension at the recent GA summit.

Abram and Putin seem to get on like a house after a fire

smoldering without nearly as much warmth as they used to be, and nothing solid to build on, with everyone having to tread extremely carefully around them.

Well, that kept working, that analogy, Andy.

I like that analogy at the start of it because it was stupid.

Then it seemed to work.

It was stupid, then it seemed to work.

That's basically been the story of our careers, isn't it?

For real.

That's the story of your career, anyway.

I'm still on phase A.

All this has led to the US government cancelling its forthcoming meeting between President Obama and Putin in St.

Petersburg.

And there's only one problem with that, and that is the fact that the president is going to be in St.

Petersburg at that time anyway for the G20 summit.

That is going to be awkward.

Obama may have found the only way to make their next meeting even more tense than the last one.

How is he possibly going to negotiate that emotional minefield?

Oh, I'm I'm sorry that you could not make our schedule the meeting tomorrow, Mr.

Obama.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

It's just I'm busy doing

something else in St.

Petersburg.

Oh, yeah, it's always been a dream of mine to visit the Peterhof Fountains.

You know me.

Always been a fan of high-velocity projected water.

Love it.

Can't miss it.

The last time an American president

quit a summit with the Russians, of course, was when Ronald Reagan got pissed off with Michael Gorbachev for allowing Sergei Bubka into some arms talks in 1986.

And Reagan stormed out with the words, I cannot concentrate with a guy pole vaulting over my head.

I don't care how f ⁇ ing good he is.

But

the White House said about the postponement of the summit.

We believe it would be more constructive to postpone the summit until we have more results from our shared agenda.

To which the translation into plain English is, go f yourselves, commies.

And when it's become more constructive to do nothing and publicly create a diplomatic incident, you know that there is about as much construction going on as there is on a Greek government building site.

So let's...

Take that, the Greeks.

Take that.

Pluses and minuses to this.

On the plus side, it frees up Barack Obama's September.

And, you know, it's a great time of year to clean up a shed.

And last year, of course, he was busy with the election.

So

that's probably good news.

On the minus side, it shoves the world closer to a full resumption of Cold War frostilities.

On the plus side, gives both countries more time to see other nations.

Maybe America can patch things up with Venezuela and Russia can hammer out some kind of more progressive deal with Syria.

On the minus side, the ever-present threat of nuclear annihilation is back.

On the plus side, the ever-present threat of nuclear annihilation definitely helped the movie industry.

And on the minus side, most importantly, a real dampener on this week's World Athletics Championships.

Oh, it's just such a shame, John, that so many of those athletes are going to be preoccupied by international political tension.

Just think it could probably knock a tenth of a second off some of their times.

But while Putin, John, he seems to be loving it.

He loves these kind of retro-style Cold War spats.

He's always given the impression, John, of a leader who slightly regrets that he wasn't born 70-odd years earlier and with a massive, unshavable moustache already on his face.

He's always slightly hinted that he kind of wished he had slightly more control of who goes where, on what railways, how cold the destination should be, and how long they have to wait to get a return ticket.

And I imagine John looking at him and his kind of Cold War fetishism.

When he was having breakfast as a child, he'd put half a tomato on his plate and waggle his finger above it and say to his mother, I'm not afraid to press this.

Boom.

There's also a growing number of people calling for the US to boycott the Winter Olympics in Sochi due to the fact that Russia's record in gay rights is about as good as its record in non-potato-based alcohol.

President Obama was on Jay Leno this week for reasons best known to himself and he said I think Putin and Russia have a big stake in making sure the Olympics work and I think they understand that for most of the countries that participate in the Olympics we wouldn't tolerate gays and lesbians being treated differently.

So far so good Andy.

Then he went on to say they're athletes, they're there to compete and if Russia wants to to uphold the Olympic spirit, then every judgment should be made on the track or in the swimming pool or on the balance beam.

And people's sexual orientation shouldn't have anything to do with it.

Just one key problem with that, Andy, and that is, of course, that Russia is hosting the Winter Olympics,

not the regular Olympics, which are, of course, always hosted in London and opened every time by the Queen jumping out of a helicopter.

That's always been the way it's happened.

The swimming pool in the Winter Olympics, Andy, is frozen solid, and that involves Olympic divers plummeting headfirst into sheet ice before their broken bodies are dragged away by the Norwegian judges.

Swimmers of course thrash around

belly stuck to the ice, desperately trying to slide up and down the pool.

Although I will say watching Usain Bolt run 100 meters in three feet of snow sounds profoundly entertaining.

Stephen Fry, the British comedian, has urged David Cameron to support moves to

strip russia of the 2014 uh winter olympics um and he urged the ioc president jack roger uh to quote take a firm stance on behalf of the shared humanity that the ioc is supposed to represent and i guess the ic's response to that would probably be do you realize how much that that firm stance would cost?

Look, can we not use the Olympics to educate people?

Just as London 2012 taught Britain that you don't have to be grumpy with everyone all the time.

Let Sochi 24 educate Russia.

Look at Moscow 1980.

All that sport.

Less than a decade later, the Berlin Wall comes down.

Berlin itself, 1936.

Less than a decade later, Hitler takes Eva Brown on the world's worst ever honeymoon, and Nazi Germany is destroyed.

Sarajevo 1984, who's currently sitting in the Hague saying, no, I didn't.

It's not Tor Villandine, it's Radavan Carrot Tips.

And the list goes on.

Atlanta, 1996, 17 years later, the war in Iraq is over.

Sydney, 2000, 13 years on, still no invasion of New Zealand.

Rome, Rome, 1960, Silvio Berlusconi sentenced to jail just 53 years later.

And Paris, 1924, eight years later, the baguette is legalised.

That is the power of the Olympics.

The power of the Olympics.

That's the thing, Andy.

Everything's going to be fine after this request from Stephen Fry, who

I believe is officially registered as a national treasure now.

I think he is technically one of the crown jewels.

But yeah, you can't crown jewels to such an extent that India are demanding him back.

You can always trust the IOC and indeed any major sports body to put morality over business or politics, Andy.

Jack Roger will always tell you that humanity is more important than money while frantically waggling the lever underneath his desk that opens up a hole in the floor underneath your feet.

As a little background on this story, homosexuality was decriminalized in Russia in 1993.

Unfortunately, that was 1993 AD, not 1993 BC.

So it's a little more recent than is perhaps ideal.

In August of last year, Moscow's top court upheld a ban on gay pride marches in the Russian capital for the next 100 years, meaning that Moscow's gay community has an entire century now to get their floats and costumes ready for the next Pride march in 2112, which is going to be absolutely f ⁇ ing amazing.

And in June of this year, Russia passed a law imposing heavy fines for providing information about homosexuality to people under 18, which is written so broadly that it is deeply troubling to almost everyone that reads it.

This law has been criticized by Western politicians and human rights groups and has raised concerns that visiting gay athletes

and even spectators at the Winter Olympics could face discrimination or maybe even end up in court.

This terrible law has been pushed by men like Yevgeny Mazapin who is a lawyer and leader of a campaign group called Special Battalion and he recently said Andy I do not know any homosexuals personally but I've seen them on TV and I saw them on the 20th of January in the square here in Voronev and it's always good Andy to listen to someone talking about something they've only seen on TV and in frozen Russian squares because you know you're dealing with a high level of expertise on that.

He also said in my opinion homosexuals do not work they spend their days in idleness, and they live off strange income from art shows.

I think he might be basing his entire belief in this law, Andy, on the fact that he once accidentally watched a biopic of Andy Warhol on TV.

That's better than something.

That's progress.

Progress.

I guess, I guess, I guess.

I don't think we should boycott the winter limits.

I just think we should encourage encourage all our winter athletes, gay, straight, or miscellaneous, to camp it up big time.

Spangly bobsleds.

That's what I want to see.

Dressing up like Liberace for the ski jump.

That is the only language that Putin and Russia will understand.

I have to say, John, though, you know, after all this, I've had enough of Putin.

Really?

He must go.

No.

Still giving arms to Assad.

Millions of dollars worth.

And the roster.

No.

I went around to talk to my friend Peter, who has a parrot, but Pete wasn't in, so I spoke to his parrot instead.

So I was saying to Petersburg, got to stop.

Every bell is a dagger to my heart.

It's got to stop.

And the parrot said, well, Andy, why don't you go and talk to Obama?

So I thought, yeah, that's a good point.

So I did.

I went to Washington and I told the President, he was being silly.

Don't cancel the summit, I said, you absolute burt.

Ask him to sort out the Snowdench muzzle.

That didn't really work, did it?

I hope it picks up.

Andy, this is the most chilling bell sound since Breaking Bad.

The Syria business, the medieval human rights glitches.

Sorry, sorry, that came in too early.

Kazan, no, he'll listen to you.

And the president said he sure will listen.

He's got amazing hearing.

Incredible.

He seems to understand things in different languages.

I'll tell you, it's not natural.

It's almost like he's got a computer on the side of his head.

He does, I said.

That's his cyber ear.

Come on, Mr.

President.

It's almost like you're scared of him.

I am a bit, admitted Obama.

He wears such intimidating clothes.

What was he wearing last time you had talks?

I asked.

Something furry and brown.

Was it a moose pelt?

No, said the President.

No?

Was it bearskin?

No, no, was it bearskin?

Got it.

Yes, I think it was bearskin, said the President.

And he's got this really unpleasant assistant fresh out of university.

Very rude and uncouth.

A vulgar grad?

Yep, he's vulgar.

Even Kras, now I ask

Kras, now I ask.

Anyway, him to stop being so rude.

But he would still swear and curse because he thought it made him look tough.

Pretty obnoxious.

But he doesn't look tough.

He's tiny, and he looks like he hardly eats.

Very small and skinny.

Anyway, I said to Obama, he needs to bring the other leaders into it to put pressure on Putin.

You've got to get Angela Merkel involved in the deal, I said.

No, you're taking this to UFA.

Ufar, I'd never even heard of UFAR.

Anyway, he replied, I don't want Merkel in the deal.

Listen, I said forcefully, get Merkel in on the deal.

You cut her in because she's very influential.

Besides, he continued.

So many countries owe you in one way or another.

These are the type of favours you've got to be calling in gradually.

Calling in, Greg?

You picked that up.

You're looking confident on that one, Chris.

Okay, conceded Obama.

You got a number?

Yeah, I said, I think so.

I wrote it down.

Summer I got it in a notebook or something.

Then the president's wife came in.

She was wearing tinted goggles and a bobble hat.

Hi, Michelle.

You've been skiing.

Chelyabinska?

Got that?

No.

No.

I mean, I did have to look most of these up.

Yes, she said, I've just got back from skiing with the Secretary of Agriculture, Tom Vilsack.

The President seemed surprised.

I didn't know Tom skis.

Yes, said Michelle.

It's his big hobby at the mermaid, skiing.

He actually learnt it as his child from his parents.

He loves it.

Man, it's hot in these those mountain clothes, he said.

Well, take your care of, said the president.

The first lady de-salipetted herself.

Hey, said Barack Small talking.

Have you had your hair done?

It looks curlier than usual.

Yes, she said.

I had a perm.

I looked at the impressive primo feminine coiffure admiringly whilst chewing a sandwich.

Mmm,

that gave me an idea.

I said to Obama, hey, we know Putin likes outdoor sports.

Why don't you take him fishing?

Good idea, Andy.

Do you want to borrow my fishing kit?

Thanks, but no, I've got a rod.

No, I've got a rod.

I can't take it anymore.

Do you think he likes cycling too?

I bet he does.

Then land me or bike.

I'll take him for a ride.

Good idea.

He might like a swim, but in a lake, never in salt water.

Why not?

We've got it into his head that pets urinate in it.

Really?

Yeah, he's obsessed with the idea that dogs and cats pee in the sea.

That was a long walk.

That was a long walk.

That's odd because he's got a lovely cat.

Always seems so content.

Yeah, didn't he purr?

And he loves skinny dipping too.

Vlad he was talking.

Vlad was talking about it just this morning.

Never.

Yes, but hey, eyes up.

Why?

Because he does this weird thing where one of his testicles twitches.

He can't help it.

It's involuntary.

It's his famous Baltic.

Oh, blast.

I actually had quite a few more on that for some reason that last one bothered me more than the other

you know well

John

I mean let me uh I don't know what to say Andy no well I'll tell you what I'll tell you what I know

you want to say

bleeps out anyway I've been getting a lot of little messages on Twitter John that you've been laying out the puns on the daily show mate no I haven't that's that I've had I've had a lot lot of complaints about this.

A lot of complaints that you've suddenly been foreign out of foreign output.

I don't think that's true.

You don't even notice it, mate.

If ever there has been, and I'm by no means admitting it, Andy, it's either accidental or so germane to the story

that it's harder to not pun.

At no point have I forced a pun you don't like natural puns.

You like forced puns.

You Americans, you're all the same.

That's the most I've cried since semifinal Italian 90.

The power is in your hands, Chris, to take that bell and throw it out of a window.

Consider it done.

So, uh

gee.

Oh my gosh.

That's right.

Get rid of that bell.

The fact you are sitting on that one like a like a smug chicken on a foul egg

i can't relax till you let go it's not he's not he's got another one i can tell it in the way he's breathing he's got another one he's got another one just just

do it andy

do it because it's the suspense it's the suspense that's worse

do it sir

well i mean i had a very difficult lunch today so

I went to a Russian restaurant and ordered the root vegetable soup and I said, do you like it?

I said, hmm, there isn't enough carrot.

Oh no, that really doesn't work.

That was supposed to be nisli novgarod.

It just really didn't hang together.

I should have got the lentil curry made by the

made by Susan Sarindon.

Sue's doll.

It's a little town with some historic churches outside Moscow.

Are you deliberately doing shit ones so you can correct yourself with a good one or a better one?

That was just a little underpreps.

Anyway.

You sound so happy and that happiness is so misplaced.

Right.

The way you talk, it's almost like there's been a big crime here.

Oh, sorry, technically that's in Ukraine.

Oh, dear.

Well, it's been a while.

What?

Do I have your words that it's over?

It's over, mate.

It's over.

I mean, I did edit it down as I was going along, actually, just for your sake.

I don't want you taking this with you for for three weeks off.

Haunting you round uh round the world.

I've been clean for quite a while, though, to be fair.

Yep.

You know, the treatment's been.

I know, but now but now, whatever, you know, whatever uh chip you managed to get to, Andy, you have fallen off that wagon hard.

You've woken up up in the middle of a roundabout with a heroin needle in your arm and a bell in your mouth.

Yep.

Sounds like the new Bugle logo.

Your emails now, and this one comes in from Sarah in Buckinghamshire, and other people have alerted us to this very important

linguistic landmark.

Dear John, Andy, and Chris, Chris, in order of whom we'll probably take most pride from the following, I came across this list on GQ's website this evening.

See item 15 of 20.

And it is a list entitled Greatest Moments in the History of Cursing.

And

I've just clicked on the link and it's come up with the requested web page Maybe Dangerous.

And that shows you.

That shows you the power of the language.

Especially considering how many pages on the internet, Andy, do not have that warning at the start of them.

I mean, GQ magazine, John, I mean, you've appeared in it in a fing tutu.

Oh, my God.

It's quite...

You know, it's not...

That's not.

I'd push back, Andy, but I've got no legs to stand on there.

So anyway, 15th in the list.

2011, the Bugle Podcast.

We did it!

We did it!

We've made history, Andy.

We did something.

Makes a major advance in swearing.

Fired up by the killing of Osama bin Laden.

Oliver and Zolson devote a segment to his legacy.

Oliver is quick to clarify that they are not delivering a eulogy from the Greek

to speak well of for bin Laden, but a f eulogy for the English to speak of a dead shitbag.

Coming to a dictionary near you soon.

We did something, Andy.

That's it.

I mean,

you've had a lot of great successes since you went to the States, John,

as well as appearing on on Mock the Week here before you went.

But I think this is really right up there.

You know, you can say you're hosting a daily show.

Any chancer can do that.

But not many people can get into the list of the 20 greatest moments in the entire history of language.

Well, swearing, which is basically the history of language.

We did it.

Sadly, says Sarah, they've gone for chronological order.

But I'd like to think that had the swears been ranked, eulogy would appear at number one or possibly second, but only two puns.

Anyway, I do hope this inspires you to carry on contributing to the history of cursing.

Yours in profanity, Sarah.

So, whatever.

I mean, that is.

I mean, that's your obituary written, isn't it?

Basically.

Yeah, that is magnificent.

And this one came in on the subject of Ohio geography.

Dear John, John, and John,

in order of whom I take umbrage with.

Uh-oh.

This is from Dan.

in Logan, Ohio.

I'm concerned about a joke you made on the Daily Show yesterday.

You said something called a Cleveland steamer.

Don't know, don't want to know, he writes, is a technique that would be performed on the Ohio River.

Now you see, he writes, there are two distinct bodies of water contiguous with Ohio's borders.

I grew up in southeastern Ohio, where the beautiful, pristine Ohio River meanders through the stunning tree-covered foothills of the Appalachian Mountains.

On the other hand, a couple of hundred miles to the north, the city of Cleveland sits on Lake Erie, a body of water known for being so polluted that it caught on fire.

In summary, associating the Ohio River with Cleveland is as insulting to southern Ohio buglers as saying a Belgian's favourite breakfast food is a crep because Belgium is somewhere in the vicinity of Paris.

Oh, wow, he's put that in some painful context there.

I hope for an apology, but we'll settle for a pun run featuring American cities.

He just wants to hurt me back there.

That's all that is.

From a Cold War point of view, I'm going to have to balance it up after

doing Russia.

Yeah, that had been brought to my attention, Andy.

There was a geographic snafo there.

And I do apologize to the people of Ohio who are proud of, rightly proud of their war, one of their waterways and rightly ashamed of the other one.

So,

yeah,

I will attempt to get it right next time when I'm making fun of Ohio waterways.

Well, this is just a matter of time, let's be honest.

So, well, that's, I think we should probably leave it there for this week's build.

John, have a great few weeks.

Off, enjoy your travels.

Look forward to hearing about them on the way.

I mean, what are your big plans for your last?

You've got four shows left

before you're relegated back to the ranks.

What's, I mean, you want to go.

You've got to go.

The plan, I mean, look, I can't, I don't want to spoil it.

The big, the ultimate booking is to have Oprah and the Queen cage fighting.

Right, with you dressed as Vanity Smurf, goading.

That's right.

In the middle, just saying, okay, I want a nice, dirty fight.

The two most powerful women in the world.

Bare knuckle boxing.

As God intended.

Thanks very much for listening, buglers.

We will have supplementary bugles for the next three weeks.

If we can find enough shit to put out.

I've got a few ideas.

All right.

Sounds extremely.

That sounds extremely.

I've got a few more ideas too.

But.

Oh, dear.

I had a severe relapse.

Thanks for listening, Buglers.

We'll be back in September and we'll be virtually back for the next three weeks anyway.

Until then, goodbye.

Bye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please, come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.