Bugle 239 – Goodness Gracious G8 Balls Of Tennis

This is a podcast from thebuglepodcast.com.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 239 of the world's final remaining objective, unbiased and verifiable source of lies, the Bugle, audio newspaper for what now seems to be a conclusively visual world.

I'm Andy Zoltzmann live in London, city of a million paving slabs, probably more, still early days of my counting project.

And in New York City, USA, it's the Titan of the Topical, the Leviathan of the Lampoon, the Cyclops of Satire, the Goliath of Go On, tell us about your new movie.

It's John Oliver.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

Well, Andy, I'm two weeks in to my summer job.

And this week, in case you missed it,

this week threw up a comic gift of epic proportions.

On Monday night after the show, we were discussing doing the immigration debate the next day, so I went home and I'm thinking about some ideas to break down the pros and cons and the pitiful debate in Congress.

And then later that night, I received one of the strangest texts I'd ever read.

It simply read, Holy shit, some wrestlers are talking shit about you on WWE Raw.

And, you know, I thought, well, no, that obviously hasn't happened.

And then I got to work Tuesday morning, and it turned out to be true, Andy.

They're doing a storyline in the WWE at the moment with an anti-immigration character called Zeb.

And he's apparently angry that I, an English rat, am taking an American job, albeit on a seasonal basis.

Anyway, long story short, Andy, the next thing you know, later that night, I'm taping the show in a suit with tearaway sleeves, about to shoot a smack talking promo with Mick Foley in front of a screen of fire.

To quote Ron Burgundy, Andy, that escalated quickly.

But yeah, it's worth checking out online.

But

basically, I guess there's nothing that's really going to make much sense this summer, but that was definitely a moment that seemed particularly ridiculous.

Apparently, the wrestler in question has even been tweeting at me all week with insults and seems to want to fight.

So

perhaps that's the only way of making this experience any stranger and if it includes me in the ring during SummerSlam getting thrown from the top turnbuckle.

Well, it doesn't be so defeatist, John.

There's no reason why you couldn't more than hold your own in top-level wrestling.

That's true, Andy.

You know,

I've got a decent elbow drop.

I've got...

I do a serviceable pile driver.

And

also, I'm willing to have a go at the people's elbow.

And

let's not rule out the classic daddy splash, Andy.

Well, of course not.

I mean, that's part of your British heritage coming out, isn't it?

But all in all, John, sounds almost as interesting as

basically the only summer job I've ever had, which was working in a language school for German teenagers in Norfolk, in England.

The highlight of which was having an entire coachload of 13 to 16-year-old Germans singing Hitler has only got one ball.

Building bridges, John.

Yeah, building

payback, Andy.

Playback.

Literal and political.

Part of the healing process, John.

Yeah.

So this is Bugle 239.

K239 was Mozart's only known work for two orchestras, known also as the Double Booking Symphony.

Send them away, Mickey, he said to his agent when the two ready-made orchestras pitched up.

What do you mean I've already paid for them?

Oh, flaming Austrian ball sacks.

This has not pleased the wolf.

You have just put the mad into Amadeus.

I don't know what a Zart is, but you're about to get Moe of it.

239.

Also, as I'm sure you know, John, now that you're American, is the number of chapters in the Book of Mormon.

Yeah, obviously.

So from next week, the bugle is going to be very different now that we've finished translating painstakingly all of those 239 books into modern English and publishing them as podcasts.

The week beginning Monday the 24th of June, on this day in 1497,

Italian exploring superstar Johnny Cabot landed in Newfoundland.

The first European in North America since the Vikings were prancing around in their silly helmets.

Cabot was representing England by that stage of his career.

Shame so many of our top exploring positions were taken up by overseas explorers.

Where was the encouragement for the young

English explorers?

I don't know.

One of the most influential moments in the history of North America when European culture started to intrude gradually onto the continent, as shown by Cabot's diary from that very day.

Landed in Canada.

This place is a DUMP dump.

Can't get a decent cup of coffee for love nor money.

Tried to find a gym as well, but no cigar.

Just found some locals standing on a rock, but they wouldn't accept my membership card.

This continent needs some serious updating.

Not impressed.

Does it get a Kabot Kahot rating or a Kabot Karot?

It's Karot, no doubt.

So Kabot took one look at Canada and thought, boring, and headed straight back to Europe.

And in fact, Canada is called Canada because of Cabot, a Ca, that was his nickname, Ca, because they had to talk very quickly on ships in those days because life was short.

And he was asked what he'd found when he got back and he said Nada.

So Ka Nada.

That's how it's the origin of that name.

That makes sense, Andy.

Also, on this day,

60 years ago in 1953, John, as the fear of communism spread through America, the American government covertly launched the popular children's cartoon film Commi Mommy about two young children who suspected their mother of having socialist leanings because she always wanted to give them exactly the same amount of cereal for breakfast.

She said she was just being fair, but they turned her into the FBI and they all lived happily ever after, apart from Mommy, who was incarcerated.

Call me Mommy 2, scuba to Cuba, proved less of a hit as the children found the sight of Mommy threatening to provoke a nuclear Armageddon a little too scary.

Just picking up on the

surveillance story from previous weeks.

I was on a train up from Cardiff

today, this morning, to record the show here, and I tried to connect to a wireless network.

And amongst the networks that came up was FBI Surveillance Van 7.

Which was somewhere on the outskirts of Swindon.

I mean, either someone just entertainingly named

their own network FBI surveillance van, in which case, congratulations.

Maybe they were the seventh person in the Swindon area to do that.

Or there was an actual FBI surveillance fan.

Yeah, and in the interest of transparency now, they have to call themselves what they are.

Well, that's double bluff, isn't it?

Because it sounds so obvious.

People assume, oh, that can't be an FBI surveillance fan.

Now,

this week, this Thursday, if I may plug a gig, at the Udderbelly, Thursday, the 27th of June, it's just me versus the microphone.

We're all possibly on the same side.

Do come along.

The tickets are available on the internet if you look up me and Udderbelly in London.

There's a political animal on the 11th of July as well.

Section in the bin this week, heartwarming stories, special collection we've put together, of how people who've taken out a Bugle voluntary subscription at thebuglepodcast.com have seen their lives transformed for the better.

Including this

from Mergille Renoch from somewhere in France, who explained, Before I took out the Bugle voluntary subscription, nothing was going right for me.

I was lonely.

I ate my job as a concrete describer for the local construction sales firm and I kept dropping my packet on the floor so I was permanently hungry.

But as soon as I decided to help save the bugle in April this year and took out my bugle voluntary subscription at thebuglepodcast.com, it was amazing.

Things started happening.

I got a job flying airplanes for fun.

I fell in love, got married and had three wonderful children, and wrote a best-selling album of duets for the pop starlets Carly Ray Japson and Dave Mustaine of Megadeth and best of all I haven't wrote a single bag yet since then

and

Andy I can't work out whether that is offensive or not and even if it is whether I'm offended by it that is that was a confounding 45 seconds also you might be the only person that makes a Parisian accent sound South African

well she spent a bit of time there oh that's it oh that's in which case that is a deep accent, Andy.

That's right, yeah.

I've got into the pot.

And this testimony came from Hubert Limplog of Horny Junktown, Mid-Dakota, who tells us, I'm an astronaut.

Before I took out my bugle voluntary subscription, my homemade rockets had a 0 for 34 record at getting me into space.

Quick update: I'm now one for 35.

Hello from Venus.

Worth every cent of the recommended couple of dollars or quid a month to keep the bugle free and independent.

I'd say by clicking the hashtag save the bugle link at thebuglepodcast.com.

Please send food.

I did not legislate for this going so well.

And oxygen.

This place aggravates my asthma.

So you can join them too, Buglers, and have your life turned around

at thebuglepodcast.com.

Right, I think that's got enough plugs for one show.

You're going to mention the cricket?

Oh, actually, no, sorry, quick update on that.

That's not enough plugs for one show.

On Wednesday this week, we're recording episode two of the greatest test.

so if you're a cricket fan in the Essex area come to Chelmsford for that and keep downloading it we're dominating the iTunes podcast charts

and now that everyone's stopped listening top story this week

It was the G8 summit in Ireland this last week, Andy, and it played out like any of the regular earth-shatteringly important G8 summits in the past.

Eight leaders enter Andy!

Eight leaders leave, having achieved very little in the process.

These summits always seem to be a sequence of photo ops of people shaking hands, then a series of discussions about having discussions, and then a sequence of photo ops of standing in a group together.

At the end of which it's always claimed that relationships have improved, with the only evidence being that no one was wearing ties.

And that's basically it.

That's basically how every G8 summit goes.

Protesters in Ireland showed up in big paper mache heads of the leaders, which seems very much to be the standard protest move now, Andy.

You make a huge head version of someone and then you walk around waving like a satirical sidebottom.

There was one Irish woman who was captured on TV, who was interviewed sitting at the side of the road in a garden chair, who I think had the best complaint.

As the motorcades went past, she looked at the camera and said, this is all costing so much money.

Why can't they do what we all do and just stay home and Skype?

I mean,

she raises, you know, an interesting point, and not a good point, but an interesting point.

And, you know, in many ways, those are the best points.

Well, I mean, I don't see why they couldn't.

Well, they couldn't do that.

I mean, I could get everyone.

I mean, they could just open it up to the whole world then, couldn't they?

Instead of just being eight, it could be all seven billion people in the world on Skype.

On Skype shouting at each other.

That's just broadening it out a bit, isn't it?

No, either that would solve all the world's problems, or it would make everyone aware of how difficult diplomacy is and teach them not to expect so much.

It seems to be a win-win or a lose-lose.

Again, it doesn't matter.

Well, one man's loss is another man's win, John.

So

you say lose-lose, I say win-win.

Perhaps the most chilling move was that they apparently put fake paintings of bustling storefronts over all the closed-down stores on the motorcade route.

And that is a pretty draconian move for Ireland, Andy.

I do hope they let the Irish people keep the fake shop front so that they too could live under the warming illusion that Ireland's economy is not completely fed.

That sounds like the kind of thing that the North Koreans would do.

It would be rightly lampooned for.

Yeah, it's absolutely amazing.

Did you see it at all?

I did.

Yes, I saw one picture in the paper.

It was just,

it was really chilling seeing kind of people walking past it.

There's no way.

There's no way they're doing something that...

Oh, I guess they're treating us with complete contempt.

That's what international politics is all about, though, John.

Giving the illusion that things are not nearly as shit as they actually are.

I guess that's true.

I guess that's true.

I guess they were just doing to those storefronts what they're trying to do to the world.

Security was stepped up, understandably, with the U.S.

Secret Service

apparently trying to blend in by using tractors and posing as farmers.

Now,

locals apparently said that it wouldn't be hard to recognize them as the US Secret Service because, and I quote, their tractors were new and shiny.

Oh,

really?

That would have been the giveaway.

Just that, not, will you take a look at Farmer Leary over there?

Sure, he's got a wire coming out of his ear and a pair of fancy sunglasses on.

And will you look at how jacked he is and that huge gun he's got.

Good for old Farmer Leary making significant life changes later on in his years.

Hold on.

I think his tractor has an unusual shine to it.

We're being fucking tricked!

Yeah, it's lucky no one spotted the sheep a copters.

So I mean that's some pretty big issues to deal with.

Syria, obviously that's that is the vomit that keeps jundering over the world's world's menus.

That's true.

I mean, they're trying to reach some resolution.

Basically, I mean, asking nicely simply hasn't worked.

And they've kind of finally said this is really the last straw.

Now, oh no, hang on.

The Russians have just turned up with a new bale of straw.

You're still good to go, I said.

You're still good to go.

And again, you just end up feeling really sorry for the people of Syria with ongoing atrocities by both government forces and rogue extremist factions of the rebels.

I guess the people of Syria left feeling very much like a mermaid trying to referee an MMA fight between a man-eating lion and a very hungry shark.

I'm sure that's exactly how they feel, Andy.

I think

you just might have successfully put yourselves in their shoes, their blood-soaked shoes.

There was actually controversy before the summit even started, after the Guardian revealed that the UK had spied on world leaders during the G20 summit in 2009.

And I think David Cameron's early attempt to settle the leaders down was to say, yeah, it's okay, everyone, we weren't prying back in 2009.

We're just perverts.

We weren't trying to get any state secrets.

We just wanted to see what Nicolas Sarkozy looked like when he was in the shower.

And with that in mind, Daddy, let's all just accept that there was no way that there was ever an international summit anywhere in Italy without Berlusconi having people cameras in everyone's room.

That's just a fact.

In fact, President Clinton even admitted that he had spied on leaders back in 1994 in Miami when this news came out.

And the technology back then was basically nailing CIA agents into the ceiling of hotel rooms and having them lower down a microphone whenever anyone was talking.

All of this threatened to derail the talks before they'd even begun.

No one was happy over these revelations.

And when you have the Russians telling you off about spying, you are over the line.

Especially when the current leader of Russia used to work for the fing AGP.

I think maybe he's just old school, Andy.

That's the problem.

He's just offended by the technology.

Why would you listen to somebody when you could just beat the secrets out of them instead?

What is happening to the world?

So when it came to Syria,

the G8 very much stepped up to the plates and had that plate filled with some unnecessarily expensive food, then sat down for a romantic dinner with itself, at which it resolved definitively to meet again sometime soonish r in order to resolve to do something about uh resolving to resolve the crisis through some form of resolution, the exact form of which is still to be resolved.

So we're going to be talking about

just read out the official statement there.

Well so far the international strategy on Syria has been fingers crossed here goes nothing and nothing has indeed gone and does not seem to have worked which was possibly influenced by the Iraq strategy when the Bushiak Blerian strategy was fingers crossed here goes something.

So I guess it's that balance between something and nothing that's the tricky one to strike.

It's true.

It was the big topic of discussion series with the leaders trying to build a consensus, which is very difficult when you've got Vladimir Putin in the room.

Apparently at one point he brought up the video of a rebel killing an Assad soldier and eating his internal organs.

And I hope he saved that comment, Andy, for just when the G8 leaders had sat down to dinner and the starters had been served.

So you could hear plates getting pushed across the table and mutterings of, yeah, I'm not actually hungry, thank you.

Thanks a lot for that, Vlad.

We'll just take the check, please.

F.

Cameron tweeted that he'd had an encouraging working dinner on Syria last night.

Oh, well, if he tweeted it, Andy, it must have been true.

So, but given what we discussed recently about how Churchill and Stalin lubricated their working dinners to get the wheels of their diplomatic disco dancing going, I trust trust Cameron just plonked a creative thunderbird on the table, down two bottles himself to set an example, and just started bonding.

And that the evening ended with the Japanese Prime Minister standing on the table with a karaoke machine belting out, I am the one and only.

He also tweeted a picture of the rather tasty looking menu for the dinner.

Now,

Cameron is frequently criticised for being out of touch with the public, largely because he is clearly out of touch with the public.

And this seemed to really rile people.

I mean, it wasn't the kind of classic G817 course extravaganza like they've had in the past, particularly when discussing the world food crisis.

But this current menu did include Violet Artichokes,

which coincidentally was the name of one of the strippers George Osborne hired for the Bullington Club back in their Oxford days.

It made me think, why in heaven's name did Cameron tweet this picture?

Because, you know, of course, everyone assumes going to G8 hookup for their annual vaguely targeted chin wagon pajama party.

they probably eat reasonably well.

No one would have expected Cameron to tweet a picture of Angela Merkel ordering extra chili sauce with her large donner at Hakan's kebab van.

Even then, people would still complain, saying, oh, they've probably got their chips on expenses.

But Cameron is a politician who's permanently concerned about how he presents himself to his unadoring public.

And I guess in that respect, he's like...

for example, all other politicians.

But it does raise the possibility that the reason he tweeted this menu to show that he was having kill keel crab prawn and avocado salad followed by fillet and shin of ketile beef with violet artichokes was that he actually considered this meal a bit plebeian by his usual standards

and wanted to show that he's just like ordinary people he will eat other beef than wagyu beef albeit reluctantly if you cut him does he not bleed yes i mean the blood's a bit bluer than some but that could be a dietary issue but and and well done to him for not including the hashtag with the tweet hashtag can't believe i'm eating this slop so man of the people john Look, I'm eating your peasant food.

And I'm sure the displaced masses of Syria were delighted that the Jia had an encouraging working dinner two years after their living hell began.

I'm sure they were all huddled around their Twitter accounts.

It's happened.

Yes.

Peace in our time.

Another big issue at the summit was tax.

And they came out again saying, oh, we are so going to stop massive tax evasion.

We are really going to stop this, which is basically what they said about four years ago as well.

And it doesn't seem to have happened in that time.

As I've quoted before, John, the great philosopher and West Indian cricketer, Servivian Richards, a man who battered so imperiously it looked like he was about to announce that he just conquered Gaul.

Will this prove to be a case of shooting the horse after the door has bolted?

Well, in this case, That might be appropriate because economically with the horse representing the public and the door the protection they might have expected from their governments and the gunman being the harsh expediencies of global capitalism's profit imperative.

So maybe this is shooting the horse after the or maybe the more prosaic common version the shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

Now I mean again this is basically what has happened.

That horse proved to be a pretend horse made of wood and inside it were a load of top-level bank executives who then burst out, caused total havoc and built themselves a new golden stable somewhere in the Cayman Islands.

So whether it actually works, John,

remains to be seen.

Cameron hailed the leaders' agreement on tackling both tax avoidance and ransom demands, which are basically two fingers in the same V sign.

Two unnecessarily spicy jalapenos on the same provocative pizza.

I don't know what it means, but it sounded right, Andy.

Isn't that what Moses said after covering the Ten Commandments?

Cove it, yeah, I mean, I guess.

I guess I won't cover it.

I guess.

Sure, no, no, no, it's test.

No, it's a round number, Lord.

It's a round number, so yeah, it's good, it should be punchy.

Amongst the other big, big stories emerging from the summit was that David Cameron went swimming in a lake,

swallowed a whole kipper, apparently.

Vladimir Putin spent the morning flying bareback on a pterodactyl with his waps out.

Knowing him, and still, I mean,

that's what he brings to these summits.

This is why they all melt before him, John.

Just one flick of his highly toned peck, and they just

do what

he just has their full undivided attention.

And Angela Merkel, apparently, according to hotel staff, warms up for a hard day's international politics by body popping to some hard house.

That is a sentence, Andy, I never thought was going to come out of your mind.

Even without the Angela Merkel bit of it.

I don't really know what it means, but it sounded right.

And apparently, President Obama, who repeatedly called George Osborne by the wrong name, called him Geoffrey Osborne, which is the name of Soul Singer, which is about as far away from being George Osborne as it's possible to be.

Also, apparently describes Nick Clegg as, quotes, the better-looking half of the coalition.

That is unacceptable, Obama.

He's not a piece of meat.

Respect him.

He's the leader of our precious Liberal Democrats.

Bugle feature section now, Wimbledon.

And yeah.

Come on, Tim.

Come on.

Come on, Tim.

It's that time of year.

Wimbledon is upon us from Monday.

Could this finally be the year

that Alex Bogdanovich wins Wimbledon?

Come on, Abog.

Possibly not.

But someone has very much excitement about this year's Wimbledon possible Federal and Nadal quarter-final meeting.

with Murray to play the winner in the semi-final if it goes according to the seedings.

And new balls this year, new type of balls.

Now, traditionally, tennis balls, of course, were modelled on the testicles of the fluorescent yellow bristle sloth

discovered in the then jungles of Cornwall in the 14th century by tennis pioneer Sir Wimbledon Hartgooch.

The bristle sloths nuts were of course farmed for hundreds of years for tennis until they became as extinct as you could possibly want to be, which is very extinct if you generally had to live out your life as a line judge barking out in a high-pitched manner whilst watching your own bollocks being used for sport.

But now this year's wimble balls much higher tech than the sloth scroach used in the early days and for the first year in accordance with prevailing social fashion the tennis balls will be fully waxed with a tattoo of something shit in Chinese on them

Do you know what it's also we've got a competition rumbling competition do you Do you want to know what it's like to be a tennis ball?

Then enter our what it's like to be a tennis ball competition to win the right to be repeatedly smashed in the face with a tennis racket by the top 100 ranked player of your choice

simply complete the following sentence I want to be hit in the face with a tennis racket because

and send your answers to oust that hurts my face feels like an unloved waffle at wimbledontennisballs.co.uk.

Andy, when your children say, Daddy, what do you do for a living?

Do you look down at them and say, I could tell you, but I don't want to make the world an even more confusing place than it already is?

And now, for any buglers lucky enough to have tickets for the championships, we have our special wimble-doos Wimbledoos and Wimble Don'ts.

Wimble Do, keep quiet during rallies, respect the players and officials, have a lovely day

and resist the temptation to shout foot fault every time the player serves.

Wimble don't, leap out of your chair shouting, go

every time a ball hits the net.

Wimble do, applaud politely when the umpire reminds your fellow crowd members to switch off their mobile phones after an ill-timed bleep caused world number 43 Mardi Fish to lose concentration in the middle of a rally and copper smashed directly in his plumbles.

Wimble don't after your phone has bleeped during a rally causing Mardy Fish to lose concentration and copper smashed to his grow bag.

Do not say sorry Mardy but in case you're wondering what that was I'm pleased to say my mate Nigel has just had his cap put down.

Carry on.

Wimble do, when a player leaves the court for a comfort break after losing a set in a blatant effort to disrupt their opponent's concentration, stand up and shout, so what do we reckon, everyone?

Waz or dump?

Wimbledon't run on the court dressed as an old-style wooden racket, shouting, progress, is everyone slugging two-handed backhands from five yards behind the baseline, really progress, before leaving yourself out in the rain and warping.

That's our Wimbledo's and Wimble Don't section, so you should be fully kitted out now for a happy day at the tennis.

Qualifications have been going all this week.

for Wimbledon.

Great chance to see some of the new generation of tennis players.

And a couple of really caught my eye this week, John, include Larvinius Skakaroch of the USA.

He's world ranked 45,784.

Great story.

Boy from the wrong side of the tracks who discovered he was good at tennis when he broke into an apiary armed only with a frying pan and a chicken to try and make a honey omelet.

He tripped over a bee's nest and was attacked by a swarm of non-killer bees whilst in the panic the chicken which Skakaroch had placed on a shelf started laying eggs at a furious rate.

Skakaroch just had to play a range of shots with his frying pan racket.

He batted away the angry bees with the pan, mostly struck hard with a bit of topspin so the insects dipped before flying in through the open window of the Ape 3 supervisor's office whilst playing delicate cushion drop shops to stop the eggs from smashing.

Needless to say he framed one of the bees, flew in through the window.

The supervisor woke up, saw Skakaroch's bewitching mixture of fast reactions, power and delicacy and thought to himself, this reminds me of when a young Beyond Borg got that job hitting falling apples straight into a cider barrel and the rest is history.

His career highlight so far, young Skakaroch, was beating Novak Djokovic at the French Open.

Admittedly the French Open is a local cafe where Skakaroc used to work as a sous chef and Novak Djokovic is hitting his nickname for an egg.

And Korea Lowlight was failing a drugs test at pre-qualifying for the Novozibirsk Masters in 2011 after he tested positive of being an Iguana.

He blamed his failed test on his Iguano pair having called in sick.

I had to play with Iggy in my shorts for safekeeping.

Needless to say all that running around playing tennis and stuff left him feeling a little nauseous So as soon as I unzipped myself to give my sample, he vomited straight into the test tube.

They have to take your first sample, so I was done for.

And in the women's draw,

well,

one young player has been really catching the eye in qualifying, and that's Dromilia Djurovochkikova.

a highly promising four-year-old from the Moscow tennis factory.

Could become the youngest player at Wimbledon since the three-year-old Babe Didriksen reached the quarterfinals in whatever year she was three in.

Djurovich Kakova was the first player to receive the new style in-womb coaching whilst a fetus.

Her mother's womb was implanted with an amniotic net whilst an intra-uterine sonar played instructions from Florida's super coach Nick Bolottieri.

Dromelia was not allowed to be born until she'd hit 100 consecutive two-handed backhands within a centimetre of the placenta.

And she already has six estrained stepfathers.

Mixed double snooze and a big match today in final round qualifying

between South Africa's Snellcock Skalkinsvike and Jochetta van der Muelly against Canada's Goebbels McWyf and Grobelina Bam Cork was called off because none of the players had rackets.

That's your special feature, section Bugles.

Right, it's going to be a hell of a tournament by the sound of it, yeah.

Yep, I'm definitely anyone's up for grabs.

Your emails now, and this one came in from Christina in

Troy, Michigan.

Unless it's Christina Troy from Michigan.

Who writes on the subject, John's cinematic career.

Yeah, what about it?

Dear John.

Yeah, what?

Dear John, Chris, and Andy.

Yeah.

What?

On Monday's episode of The Daily Show, John Regaled Linda Cardellini with a story of his time on the stage.

He told her that at the age of six, he played Third Shepherd in the Nativity.

I did.

He called this moment the height of his experience as an actor.

Thus, sweeping under the rug, his magnificent roles in movies such as The Smurfs and The Love Guru.

I mean,

sweeping under the carpet, it's just putting it in its right context.

I'm not.

No, no, Andy.

No, listen, what happened was I was talking about the stage.

Yet, she's, you know, she's in freaks and geeks, Lindsay Cardalini.

She's very beautiful.

I was talking slightly faster than I was thinking.

And, you know, I just, I just, I just, look,

I didn't think.

I didn't think to say, actually, let me take that back, Linda, because you're looking at Dick Pants, and it's a bit weird that you haven't brought it up.

So, Chris Elien continues, John, I can only assume that you did not mention these roles as the true height of your experience as an actor.

Due to your humbleness, this is where we, your loyal buglers, come in.

Where you are not able to brag of your cinematic achievements, leave vanities to the smurfs, as they say.

We must rise to the occasion.

America may have forgotten about these cinematic masterpieces, but the Buglers did not and they will not forget.

Eagerly awaiting the release of Smurf's 2 Electric Boogaloo, Christina, Troy in Michigan.

So

there, that's.

Yeah.

I mean,

that sounds like a bit of an issue, John, there.

What about me

denying my

movie career in the same way that Ahmed Dinajad denied the Holocaust?

I mean, yeah, I mean, it's not necessarily quite in the same ballpark as that.

A number of people sent me a link to this news story about Ahmadinejad, obviously, tragically leaving office as king of Iran.

And apparently, according to one source, his next job is going to be as a lecturer in urban planning.

Yeah, well, he has a doctorate.

He's a doctor of traffic, Andy.

Well, it does raise a question.

How did he go from that in the first place?

And should he not have stuck with it a bit longer?

You don't know what damage he could have done to Terran's traffic system, Andy.

We have an email here from Anthony who says, Dear Andy, John, and Chris, in order of who cares?

I've been listening to you since episode 110, including some bugle marathons while working nights.

Try explaining why I'm laughing like a drain to my fellow workers.

Laughing like a drain with a kind of wheezing suction.

Well, that depends where you work as well.

I mean, if it's in a mortuary, I can see that might be an issue.

He said, I've enjoyed everyone, especially Andy's pun runs.

Don't do this.

You don't know what you're getting into, Andy.

That's what comes of starting only 110 in.

You don't have the depth of pain.

Especially Andy's pun runs, of which there have been very few since the legendary fish pun run.

However, I must take issue with your lack of any mention of the most important event in the rugby calendar, the British and Lions Tour of Australia.

How can you fail to speak of such an important sporting event?

Never mind that, having reached a halfway stage with the first test looming, they're almost unbeaten, have had to call up the legendary Shane Williams IRB Player of the Year out of retirement.

Call yourselves a sports fan, pah, stick to cricket, you yours, Anthony from Swansea.

Well, yeah, I mean, we have we've not touched on the Lions, the British and Irish Lions tour of Australia.

I mean, possibly because of the pain of what happened 12 years ago when they were robbed after

our key player, Richard Hill, was elbowed out of the series.

I mean it's just

direct.

And then the cheek of it, a former Australian coach accused the Lions of cheating,

which is like being accused of doing pointy pictures by George Surat.

And there's a little joke for all you fans of pointless.

It's a niche market, but you know, ticket sales are ticket sale.

But I mean, it's very exciting.

I imagine you'll probably be doing blanket coverage of this on the daily show next week.

Oh, absolutely.

We'll be covering every touchdown, Andy.

Yeah, getting all the old legend Willie John McBride on the show next week, probably.

Yeah, that's right, And

hoping to get a Gareth Davis.

Gareth Davis.

Interesting call.

I mean, most will go for Gareth Edwards, but you've gone for the

early 80s fly-half instead.

Yes.

Interesting.

Never won a Lions tour, of course.

But

kicks off tomorrow.

Today, yesterday, last Saturday, or ages ago, depending on when you're listening to this.

And it's a classic battle of the hemispheres.

John North, Free South.

Go North.

Go, Northern hemisphere!

And it's a great event, the Lions, because it is one of those very few sporting events these days that still possesses that rarest of sporting rarities, namely rarity.

It's only

every 12 years they play each of the countries.

So it's 12 years since we played Australia.

And

it's

the cream of four nations that the coach has to whip into the perfect rugby moose without it curdling and splitting like an overstretched metaphor.

Well, uh, for all you

Lions fans, I will exclusively tell you the results of that first match next week.

Do try and avoid the score.

If you don't want to know the score line, just just look away from the planet now.

So, do keep your emails coming into info at thebuglepodcast.com and check out the SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com/slash the hyphen bugle.

And you can get the merch at the buglepodcasts.com

and very very fine it is.

Very fine it is.

I have to say, John, tea out of a bugle mug tastes twice as sweet.

It might be that I put two sugars in instead of one.

That's a possible factor.

More sport now.

And it's been one of the great sporting showdowns this week in football.

Spain, double European champions and World Cup winners versus Tahiti, a team with one professional player, basically,

who are so short of numbers that on the subspence they had a painting by Paul Gauguin, the Impressionism star and topless Tahitian Totty fan.

They met in the Confederations Cup in Brazil, and

basically the football equivalent of Frankel, the world's greatest racehorse, racing against a cheap supermarket La Sagna.

Or of Ronnie O'Sullivan, the world's greatest snooker player, playing a lump of camembert

at snooker, or if you want to flip it, a a lump of camembert playing Ronnie O'Sullivan at being a lump of cheese.

Or even Edwin Moses at his 1980s peak when he went unbeaten at 400 metre hurdles ever more than a decade, competing against Timmy the tortoise who crapped in my garden.

Go, Ed Moses, teach that hardback bastard a lesson he won't forget.

It was a classic David v.

Goliath clash, John.

Only Goliath was in a tank, and David was a baby goldfish that had just been turfed out of his fish pond for breaking wind during morning prayers.

And duly,

Goliath won 10-0,

despite the Spanish manager pledging that his team would try not to score too many goals, which is an unusual thing for a football manager to say before a game.

10-0.

That's

great.

I think World Sport needs more

Tahitian football teams.

I mean,

I think the NFL would be definitely improved by having a team that just got absolutely mashed every single week by about 150 points

preferably of Tahitian school children

so that's that's it for this week's Bugle 239 we'll be back with Bugle 240 next week thanks for listening again John good luck on the show again thanks again this week I mean I'll try I mean it seems to have gone pretty well so far I do hope you're setting it up for something really spectacular in your last week.

I mean, the possibilities are endless.

In fact, maybe we should open up a new email thread.

How should John Oliver

get his final show on the Daily Show?

When is it?

It'll be sometime.

In August.

It'll be middle of August.

Yeah.

So, because I mean, it's almost like you're doing it just suspiciously too smoothly at the moment, John.

Any suggestions, welcome for how to put this thing up in a ball of flames do send them in to info at thebuglepodcast.com and bear in mind that the American Secret Services will be reading all of those emails so just be slightly careful what you say

until next week buglers goodbye bye

Hi buglers it's producer Chris here I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast mildly informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.