Bugle 215 – Let’s Nuke The Moon!

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Hello, Buglers, or as they say here in Mumbai, India, hello, buglers!

I am, that's, that's our doing.

I'm Andy Zaltzmann here, live in India and let me tell you I'm having a whale of a time here and by that I don't mean that I'm being pursued by Japanese people with harpoons any people any country where people laugh at jokes about cricket is my kind of country sure crossing the road is an extreme sport and taking a taxi feels about as safe and sensible as driving a 1970s formula one race but when you get curry for breakfast everything else you could work around and joining me this evening live from the morning in america where the day has barely begun that's already finished here in New York City.

It's the Maharaja of Mirth himself, John Oliver.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

Yes, we're at the bookends of the day and the bookends of the globe.

We are back from break with another tricontinental bugle.

And look, Andy, I've said it before, and I'll say it again now.

I find it inspiring still that we are able to waste this level of technology.

Look, there's basically a choice with humanity.

Some people are born to create this kind of technology.

Other people are born to piss it up the wall.

You and I were firmly picked by Team B from day one.

I don't think there's any denying that.

What's that, Alexander Fleming?

You invented penicillin.

That's a huge medical breakthrough.

Now let me see what will happen if you fill a tennis ball with it and throw it at a wall.

We're both innovators.

So we were off last week.

Andy was traveling to India and I was off for Thanksgiving where I thanks gave the shit out of that holiday.

What did you particularly give thanks for, John?

It was a general thanks.

It was a blanket thanks for me.

I think it's only right to take a moment to thank Chris for the spectacular substitute bugle that he put together.

I felt like a forensic detective because truly it felt like a window into the mind of a psychopath.

What the f- I've used Hafra's drunk with power before, Andy, but I've never before had 25 minutes of sonic proof of it.

I was listening to it walking back from work a few days ago, and I was laughing out loud as I was walking along thinking what the f ⁇ is happening in my ears is Chris seriously interviewing a decorated triathlete and our friend Alan Cochrane.

It was like eavesdropping on your own funeral because that's mainly what I'm expecting at the crowd of my funeral home Andy triathlete and Alan Cochrane.

So Chris thank you and f you.

Thank you very much.

I came out here, as you know, Booglers last week to watch England play India in the cricket.

And I spoke to my son on Skype once I'd been here for a few days.

Well, I mean, I spoke to him every day, but after a few days, he knew I'd come out here for the cricket, my son who's now nearly four.

And he said to me, Daddy, did you score many runs in the cricket today?

So I think he thinks that I play international cricket for England.

And now I'm in an awkward situation.

the awkward situation of do I let him down or do I try and keep this illusion going?

Keep it going.

Keep it going.

I'm a hero to him, John.

He's under four years old.

You know, I can't destroy that.

I'm going to have to start hacking into the various cricket websites and changing all the scorecards.

So there's an A Zoltzmann scoring brilliant centuries.

Thanks to all the Indian buglers who've come to my gigs in Mumbai and Bangalore.

It's nice to know that the eternal truths of the bugle are being heard even here in India.

I've got one more show in Calcutta on Wednesday the 5th at Kala Kunj with some fellow Kolkata comedians.

I'll put the details on the Hello Buglers Twitter feed, but it's great to be here, John.

I'll tell you what people like here, John, here in India.

One, cricket and two, not finishing things.

So I absolutely love it here because

I love cricket and

yeah.

Yeah.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the middle this week.

Science Books Reviews.

We review Professor M.F.

Mabel Hunch's Prepare to Meet Thy Baker about how the apocalypse could be caused by global warming and uncontrollable genetically mutated yeast combining to cause all the grain in the world to swell up and overwhelm the planet.

We also review Dr.

Arneliana Flutes and Professor Gervolder Welphammer's Polar Bear-Faced Lies, an exposure of how a multi-billion dollar tourist industry has grown up around polar bear spotting when the animal itself does not actually exist.

The book claims that 70% of alleged polar bears are in fact normal bears painted white, 28% are employees of Arctic tourist agencies in pantomime polar bear outfits, and 2% are rogue wild Republicans who escaped from the same lunatic breeding program in Alaska that created Sarah Palin.

And we also review a reprint of the classic work by the 19th-century British explorer, the Viscount of Wamblehorn, entitled Hilarious Malarious, in which he related the funniest last words of people dying from tropical diseases around the empire, including okay, doctor, if you insist, one word, three syllables, first two syllables, uh, neck, shirt, tie, typhoid, no, no, shoulder, collar, collar, yes, collar.

Third syllable sounds like

did I get it?

That comes with a new updated statistical appendix on the effect of imperialism on the spread of infectious diseases by Katie Perry.

That section is in the bin this week.

Top story this week.

Holy shit, America nearly shot the the moon!

And

research emerged this week that America had a top secret plan in the late 50s to fire a nuclear missile at the moon.

You heard me right, buglers.

They wanted, nay, planned to nuke the moon.

Now, I know a lot of other things are happening in the world at the moment.

Syria continues to tear itself apart.

The people of Egypt have taken to the streets once more.

The war rages on in Afghanistan.

Palestine has had its status upgraded at the UN to non-member observer status.

And we will get to some of those stories later in a bit.

But, buglers, sometimes you have to accept that some stories deserve more pressing attention than others.

And a good example of this is when you find out that America had at one point planned to blow up the f ⁇ ing moon.

That is not something where you say, that sounds intriguing.

I'll read more about that later.

That is something where you say, pull the f ⁇ ing car over.

America tried to shoot the moon in the face.

We're not going anywhere until I know every single detail about this.

It was in the late 1950s when communismophobia was at its height and people were jailed just for having nosebleeds because the red blood pouring from their faces was considered evidence of a commie brain or in turn just for simultaneously owning a hammer and pulling a sickie.

And America at that point developed plans to save humanity from the red peril by any guesses, diplomatic pressure, destabilizing communist countries by, for example, airdropping strawberry milkshakes over unhappy Russian satellite states to show how much nicer American sludge was than their Soviet cabbage soup?

No, as John told you, they wanted to save the world by nuking the f ⁇ ing moon.

John, we've reported on a number of things in recent months on the Bugle that have been, frankly, unstoppably, irretrievably and gloriously American.

Smashing baseballs off an aircraft carry into a crowd of rating jet skis, manned jet skiing through a hurricane just to show that America cannot be intimidated by weather.

It cannot have its way of life changed by meteorology getting all feisty as the Bush government's response to Katrina proved.

But John, this blowing up of the moon might be the most American even of all those things, albeit that it does not, as far as we know, involve jet skis.

Nuking the moon, John.

This is, this is, I guess it just reveals that old problem, you know, if you've got one thing, you'll probably want to use it.

And if you've got two things, you'll probably want to try using one of those things on the other thing just to see what happens.

So they had nukes and they had the moon.

You know, one plus one equals two.

It's a basic animal human impulse that explains, for example, the electric chair.

You know, we had electricity, we had chairs.

Why not put them together?

Then you have an electric chair, and then you have the electric chair and the naughty man.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

This is going to be awesome.

And this also explains the checkered history of, for example, the male hand and the female breast.

And of course, even more memorably, the human hand and the cow's whap.

It was inevitable this was going to happen.

Nuclear bomb plus moon equals America thinking, let's give it a go.

It's truly an astonishing piece of history this.

The planet was hatched in 1958.

And first, let's just pause and give a little credit to President Eisenhower here.

Kennedy has received so much credit for dreaming of putting a man on the moon with his famous quote, we choose to go to the moon not because it's easy, but because it is hard.

But Eisenhower, Andy, has received no plaudits for years before Kennedy, looking up at the moon from the Oval Office window and saying to himself, hey, I bet we could blow that shit up.

I think Eisenhower's official presidential portrait now needs to be modified.

It shouldn't be him as a kindly aging man sitting in a chair, carefully holding his glasses.

It should be him with a Fu Manchu mustache, sitting in a swivel chair, stroking a cat and cackling maniacally.

Because it turns out that Dwight Eisenhower was not just a conservative president, he was an evil genius.

The plan was apparently called a study of lunar research flight or Project A119.

And I'd be very interested to know what Project A118 was, considering that 119 was blowing up the moon.

The plan was developed by the US Air Force

at a time when America and the Soviet Union were locked in a nuclear arms race that, of course, would later go on for decades.

The Americans were also very concerned because they were lagging behind in the space race.

The Russians had just launched Sputnik 1, the world's first ever satellite.

And when I was reading this, my first thought was, hold on.

Were they concerned that Russia was going to put a man on the moon first?

In which case, I could only think of one way that they were guaranteed to prevent that from happening.

Hey, Rusky, you can't land on something that doesn't exist.

Kablowy!

Or perhaps they were planning to actually land a bomb on the moon and then wait for the Russians to turn up, making the first moon landing in space even more spectacular.

This is one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.

Hold on.

What's that ticking sound?

The actual aim was not to completely explode the moon into pieces.

Oh, that's what they say.

I mean, that's just clearly a cover-up, isn't it, John?

It was...

The actual plan was just to hit it.

The plan was to attach a nuclear device to a missile, launch it 238,000 miles to the moon, with the purpose being that the bomb would then explode on impact and the flash would be seen from Earth.

A physicist called Leonard Rifel led the project, and when he was interviewed about it now, he said that the aim was to intimidate the Russians and boost morale in America.

It was basically Eisenhower engaging in some explosive dick swinging, trying to make the commies think twice about attacking America.

And Reifel explained the reason for the plan, saying, People were very worried by the first human in space, the Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin and Sputnik, and the great, very the very great accomplishments of the Soviet Union in those days.

In comparison, the United States was feared to be looking puny.

So, this was a concept to sort of reassure people that the United States could maintain a mutually assured deterrence and therefore avoid any huge conflagration on the Earth.

And I guess that might have worked, Andy.

You probably don't mess around with someone who's fired a nuclear missile at the moon.

It's like a guy in a bar fight screaming and smashing his own head through a jukebox machine.

You don't want to fight a maniac.

I guess it also shows the problem with just having too many ideas meetings.

So any suggestions people?

The Russians seem to be developing some big old fireworks and they just sent a doggy into space to chase that tennis ball they sent into space last year.

Yeah, me, boss?

Derek?

Yeah, I was thinking we could maybe try and...

Actually, no, it's a silly idea.

Come on, Derek.

We're working a team here.

Let's get it all out in the open.

Yeah, okay, boss.

I thought that, you know, given how blowing up cities on Earth tends to seem to wind people up a bit, and will probably spark a tit for tat war which could basically destroy the planet get to the point derek we all know what plan b is we're looking for plans a and c yes boss sorry boss i have this this idea that uh no no no it really isn't feasible say it derek um

i thought we could nuke the moon

derek please clear your desk and move into my office you've just scored yourself a promotion that is what this cold war is all about reckless grandstanding stupidity that could destroy the planet try and ricochet off that finging space dog as well.

Some incredible minds were involved in this research project, including even Carl Sagan, a young Carl Sagan.

And Rifel stated in his report, the motivation for such a detonation is clearly threefold.

Scientific, military, and political.

Although, to be fair, the reasons were probably actually fourfold.

Because you've got to add curiosity in there as well.

Sadly, Eisenhower actually died just four months before Neil Armstrong landed on the moon.

and I think it's a real shame that he couldn't have just hung on a few months longer because I'd love to have known what he thought about the moon landing Andy I'd love to have known if he'd watched America land a man on the moon on television like the rest of the world and seen the joyous response around the planet and said to himself yeah I still think it would have been cooler to blow it up and then just died on the spot

one of the plans was to have nukes based on the moon

That was ruled out on tactical and strategic grounds.

On the grounds, there's no point in relying on a nuclear deterrent you can only use at night.

So that wasn't put into practice.

But this plan to nuke the moon was actually, recent papers have revealed, going to happen until just after the launch of Apollo 11 when Commander James A.

Lovell turned to his left and said, well, that was a textbook blast off, wasn't it, Neil?

Neil?

Neil, why are you dressed as a nuclear weapon?

Neil?

Oh, shit.

Right, we're going to have to wing this.

Ground control to Major Neil.

Ground control to Major Neil.

How loud can you shout kaboom?

Well as John said at the start of that story, I mean which we simply, you know, when you work in news as we do, you know, you sometimes have to prioritise one story above another.

Loads of problems around the world.

Fortunately, I've been busy watching people hit a little bit of cork covered with some dead cow wrapped around it with a plank of wood with some stickers on.

So I haven't really noticed much of actual news, but Syria, another UN Security Council resolution to try and resolve the latest trouble, resolution 2079, upgraded from the previous resolution 2073, which stated,

and the new resolution 2079 says, oh, come on, this is getting fing ridiculous.

Can we all please lighten up?

Also, we have the Leveson report finally reporting, of course, the scandal that

preceded the bugle leaving times online.

No link.

And

basically the Prime Minister David Cameron has reacted to the recommendations of the Levison report like a medieval king executing a messenger for bringing in bad news.

All that evidence presented to him processed by one of the finest legal minds of his generation.

No, says David Cameron, I think I know best on this one.

And the problem is I think there's sort of move to allow the media to regulate itself, which is a bit like unleashing a supposedly self-regulating Labrador at an all-you-can-eat dog food buffet.

At best naive, at worst idiotic, and at even worst, as willfully self-serving as that dog tucking in two-thirds of kitten-flavoured biscuits.

The view is that our press must remain free, and if freedom involves breaking the law and plumbing the depths of human morality, then that is a price worth paying, John, for having a media which can fearlessly reveal the truth for its readers about celebrities, whaps and wobblers.

If there is too much regulation, John, how on earth will we know whether or not Jamie Lee Curtis has gone to the shops to buy an egg without makeup on?

That is what is at stake here, John.

We cannot sacrifice that on the altar of a judge's report.

Also, the Middle East has been kicking off for a while now, really ever since Mr.

Godd says, yeah, you're luck and have it.

That's me done.

If you're near me, I'll be uncontactable for the next 6,000 years.

The UN General Assembly has overwhelmingly approved the de facto recognition of the sovereign state of Palestine

after Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas called on the world body to issue its long-overdue, quotes, birth certificate.

and Israel responded birth certificate oh yeah there's a bit of a historical precedent for what we do with the firstborn in this part of the world

Israel does not recognize Palestine it knows where it is certainly as recent recent events have shown but it doesn't actually recognize it Israel's UN envoy said the bid push the peace process backwards now pushing that peace process backwards is a truly heroic achievement that is like reducing the number of times Henry VIII won husband of the year or further cutting down on the number of Douglas Bada's legs.

Israel also said that the vote upgrading the Palestinian status at the UN is quotes negative political theatre.

The Israeli government's review continued: incoherently plotted, gratingly overacted, and unsympathetically scripted, the upgrading of Palestinian status is the worst kind of self-indulgent

student-level theatre, lacking finesse, authenticity, or even the slightest hint of authorial objectivity.

It's like Thornton Wilder's Our Town written by a lunatic.

One star, kill to stop people getting a ticket.

Egyptian democracy update now.

And well, you can sum up the last couple of weeks in Egypt, Andy, with one syllable and three letters.

Oof.

Just oof, Andy.

The kind of sound you make when someone accidentally opens a drawer too quick and the corner smashes into your nuts.

Oof.

Cairo is.

It's a potent metaphor for the Arab Spring, John.

Yeah.

If they'd only opened the, if they'd had a slow open, like a slow-closed drawer backwards

to get a controlled release, that drawer opened too fast and those nuts were too close.

Cairo currently is, as the Italians would put it, a spicy meter ball at the moment.

Basically, what's happening is that there is a standoff between the relatively newly elected President Mohammed Morsi and the Egyptian judiciary after Morsi granted himself sweeping new powers.

For a little background, you should know that there is no new constitution yet, so Morsi decided to put in some temporary rules.

Some of them sound pretty reasonable until one particularly juicy one stands out.

See if you can spot it.

Here's one rule.

Reopen investigations into killings of protesters.

Retrials of those accused.

Sounds pretty good.

Can't be many complaints about that one.

Two, here's another one.

President to appoint the public prosecutor must be aged at least 40.

Again, no real arguments with the over 40 part there from me, Andy.

You want a bit of life experience and on-the-job experience to handle a high-pressure position like that.

Let's see, what have we got here?

Number three, president authorized to take any measures to preserve the revolution or safeguard national security.

Bingo, there it is.

Did you spot it, buglers?

Because wow, that is fing broad.

That basically means he can do anything for anything.

He basically made it possible to take any measures, whatever they are, to protect the revolution, whatever that means, and stated that no court could overturn his decisions.

This has passed and is now valid until a new constitution takes its place.

And critics have pointed out this is technically more power at the moment than even Mubarak had.

That is obviously not ideal.

Morsi himself said in an interview on state TV, and those are always tough interviews, Andy.

Whenever you own the network that you're being interviewed on, you are guaranteed an objective grilling.

He said this declaration is to manage the situation in a transitional period, which is critical for all of us.

It stipulates the period will come to an end as soon as people vote on the new constitution.

And the thing is, that might actually be true, Andy.

He may well be a man of his word, but to be fair to the Egyptian people, they are coming off six decades of dictatorship.

So it's only understandable if they're, to put it mildly, a bit skittish at the moment and a little suspicious of a man saying, I'm just borrowing these powers.

I'll give them right back to you, I promise.

You know I'm good for it.

You're saying, I'm just borrowing these powers.

Oh, yeah, and it's entirely coincidental that I've just ordered a 100-metre-high statue of myself to go in the main square.

So, people have taken to Tahrir Square again this week, and the concerns aren't just about these emergency powers, but also their suspicion that Morsi's underlying aim is to enable the Constitution Assembly, who are currently dominated by Islamists, to write an Islamist

constitution for Egypt.

And another concern is the new draft so far, for instance, has no specific article establishing equality between men and women.

And again, that is something that people in Egypt are entitled to be a little concerned about, Andy, considering the shit that has gone down there in the past.

I don't think it's pandering to offer up a lady law to the new Egyptian constitution, just so you don't continue to have a culture which has occasionally resembled the laws nailed to the front of a little boy's tree house.

No girls allowed.

But it's not all been bad news around the world.

New York complete lack of crime news and for the first time in living memory New York passed an entire day without any violent crime Yes taking place We did it

That is like the Vatican City passing an entire day without covering up a single child abuse scandal that is the that is the level of achievement we're talking about here John I mean what what was it like this crime-free day was it just a kind of blissful utopia people wandering around hugging each other leaving their cars and houses unlocked it was very strange andy from 10 25 p.m on sunday until 11 20 a.m on tuesday when someone was eventually shot in brooklyn

new york was completely free of the most serious violent crimes either this city is seriously losing its edge andy or this is a miracle in fact the tourist department here have responded very quickly by announcing a new slogan that's come to new york see you might not get killed

the city was celebrating all day, as you can imagine, Andy.

The moment we hit 24 hours violent crime free was like when the millionth customer buys something in a supermarket.

There were balloons dropping from buildings.

Unfortunately, some burst as they hit the ground, causing some people to mistake the noise for gunfire and dive to the ground instinctively.

Old habits die hard.

But the mayor actually rewarded the city on Tuesday by awarding us all a free two-minute violent crime spree where you could dash around the city committing as much violent crime as you could until a hooter sounded

it really like the 1980s all over again it really was incredible not a single murder shooting stabbing or other incident of violent crime was reported for an entire day and there are of course rumors flying around that this was actually a sponsored abstinence from crime and that Doritos paid everyone a dollar for every hour that they successfully didn't stab someone it was a it was certainly a statistic that took the whole city by surprise but no should it be that surprising, Andy?

Killings are now down 23% in New York compared with the same time last year, which represents a 50-year low.

And let's call this what it is, Andy.

A murder recession.

America used to lead the world in violent crime, and now cities like Caracas, wherever that is, are putting it to shame.

Thank you, Obama.

Your complete failure to tackle gun control in any meaningful way is clearly somehow doing it anyway.

Unbelievable.

All I'm saying is that under a President Romney Andy, New York would have been a bloodbath by now because that man had a plan.

Yeah, barely noticeable 366 slayings in New York City this year.

That's down to 472 bumpings off by the same stage last year.

So I mean New York's assorted hoodlums, nerdy wells and

what's the term?

are going to have to put out all the stops to avoid the worst year for the big apple murdering industry since 1960.

I mean are you feeling John in New York much less likely to be slain at the moment or

is it seeping in slowly?

It's taken a little bit of the spice out of my walk home away, to be honest.

As you say, Caracas averages over 120 murders per 100,000 people per year.

That's often over 500 murders a month in that one city alone.

It gives you a better than one in 1,000 chance every year of being murdered, of being victim of what criminological statisticians characterize as a nutshot.

That's an acronym for non-voluntary unscheduled termination, slaying hits or takedown.

Well, actually, there's a really interesting side note to this story, Andy, because for the record, there was actually one shooting in New York on Monday, which threatened to destroy the landmark 24-hour achievement until it turned out, and this is true, that the 16-year-old Bronx resident who had been shot had accidentally shot himself in the thigh.

See?

That doesn't count.

That's just violent slapstick.

The record is intact, Andy.

We did it.

We didn't hurt each other for a 24-hour period.

One kid shot himself in the leg, but it doesn't count.

That doesn't count.

Self-harm does not count.

Great days.

Great days.

Britain invading you, news now.

And look, wherever you live in the world, Britain has probably tried to invade you at some point.

That is a historic fact.

because new research claims that Britain, in our long, colourful, magnificent, slightly shameful, and occasionally cross-dressing history, we have invaded all but 22 countries in the world.

This new study has found out that at various times the British have invaded almost 90% of the countries around the planet.

Those are pretty good numbers as invaders go, Andy.

That is Imperialism Hall of Fame form.

This analysis is contained in a new book, All the Countries We've Ever Invaded and the Few We've Never Got Round To.

And I even like that title, Andy.

The few we never got round to.

It's not that we failed to invade those other 22, it's just that we basically forgot.

On that list of the 22 countries that have escaped our glorious form of benevolent justice,

Sweden.

How the f did we miss Sweden, John?

That's ridiculous.

Everything the Vikings still on our shores.

I reckon it's worth taking a pop at them now.

If you land between 7 a.m.

and 9 p.m., they'll be in the sauna anyway.

We'll just walk straight in.

But there are good excuses for a number of the countries that we haven't bothered invading.

Central African Republic, Republic of Congo, just left it to the French, nothing much happening there.

Tajikistan, Transport Nightmare.

Guatemala, forgot.

Marshall Islands, never heard of them.

What are they anyway?

Luxembourg, come on, we like a challenge.

Chad, well, the Queen already had a sandpit at Windsor Castle, didn't need a massive new one in Africa.

Vatican City,

why spoil a good day out in Rome?

Kyrgyzstan, can't spell it.

Mali, never been drawn away from home to play them in a football tournament.

And Paraguay, silly name.

So basically we've invaded almost every relevant country in the world, John.

In the world.

It's amazing that we didn't just accidentally invade Luxembourg on the way to invading somewhere else.

The book analysed the histories of almost 200 countries in the world and found only 22 which have never ever experienced an invasion by the British.

And look, don't knock it till you've tried it, 22.

If you haven't been invaded by the British, you've never lived.

It's an elite club with a membership of almost almost everyone uh the author explained uh his desire to do this saying other countries could write similar books but they would be much shorter I don't think anyone could match this although the Americans had a later start and have been working hard on it in the 20th century oh catty I mean that's technically true but they're not going to get close Andy in fact the only other nation which has achieved anything approaching the British total is apparently France which is amazing because you mostly think of them capitulating in wars rather than starting them don't you?

Do you lose one for every cut time you've been invaded by another country?

They might have lost the title with that.

Interestingly, the French also hold the unfortunate record and the dubious honour of having endured the most British invasions.

But it's just so hard to resist.

So it's like goal difference in football, invasion difference.

Yeah, it's just so hard to resist invading the French.

They're right there and their food smells so good as it wafts across the channel.

And they've got those curvy come invaders coastlines.

They're practically begging for it.

He included incursions by British pirates, privateers, or armed explorers

in working out the number of countries that have been invaded,

provided that these people were operating with the approval of their government.

And this is how it used to work, John.

Official government-sponsored pirates.

Those were the days.

Wouldn't have to tart these things up as some kind of trade mission or inward investment.

Just straight up, honest to goodness, British stealing and acquisitiveness.

And it just goes to show, John.

As the old adage says, it's amazing what you can get away with if you have a very smart uniform, a well-polished stick, and a hat that means business.

The author said,

This book is not intended as any kind of moral judgment on our history of empire.

It is meant as a light-hearted bit of fun, which Ironically is also what the British Empire was meant as.

Yes,

of course it is, Andy.

The British Empire was just supposed to be a light-hearted bit of fun, and everyone took it so seriously.

And now, Buglers, a historic moment.

Recalling some of the glorious early moments of the bugle that I know some of you remember very fondly.

We haven't done for a while.

No, it's not Ask an American, it's Ask an Indian.

So, Indian, thank you very much for welcoming me so warmly to your country here, the former English county of Indiashire.

I mean it's an amazing place.

It's going to be even more amazing when you finish it.

Now I've been here, I came here last year, as you know, I've been here for a week.

Now, how is my pronunciation of Indian names and places coming along, do you think?

I don't think we have made much progress on that.

Not much progress at all?

Not at all.

Can you, well, I mean, maybe you can give me just some kind of basic Hindi lesson, some phrases for that British buglers might find useful coming to India.

Because it's quite hard to know how to, you know, to communicate necessarily with the locals.

So, could you just translate these very useful phrases for British buglers coming to India?

Firstly,

I'm very sorry for everything.

Right, that'll do.

What about this?

See those railways, you're very welcome.

Great, so you know, yin and yang.

And about this, excuse me, do you have a fresh delivery of tigers yet?

I could really do with a new carpet as my old ones are wearing out.

Okay, let's pass on that one.

So a few questions now, just about the relationship between our two nations.

What are you, as an Indian, most grateful for out of all the things us Brits did for you?

Was it that the railways?

Was it cricket?

Was it increased epidemics of fatal diseases?

Was it exacerbating famines by exporting all your crops?

Or was it opening fire on crowds of locals in confined spaces?

What do you think was the greatest British contribution to India?

It's cricket, but

one has to add, you know, just like there's a theory that South Africa chokes in cricket because of apartheid,

we actually think England has been suffering so badly in cricket because of what you did as a, you know, as an imperialist.

Right.

It's post-imperial guilt.

It is.

That's what you're saying.

We just, we can't bring ourselves to inflict more suffering.

And how do you see the future for India over the next 40 or 50 years?

Are you looking at world domination?

Are you looking at...

I mean, I know India is now a nuclear power.

Do you think India will nuke the moon?

I don't know.

I think we'd fancy the sun, really.

The sun?

Yeah, well, why not?

I mean, you've got 1.2 billion people.

Yeah, but you know, I mean, it's cooler at night in the dark because it's India's odd country.

Yes, get rid of the sun.

Everyone will be a lot cooler.

Just calm the whole place down.

Why not?

That is spoken like a true emerging superpower.

Now, it's interesting

being here.

In Britain, we've had some terrible, terrible corruption problems at home.

We've had MPs

found

basically stealing about £10,000 of expenses they weren't entitled to.

I mean, how does that relate to the level of corruption here in India?

I'd say that

amount probably takes place in about,

I don't know, three minutes?

Three minutes.

Per MP, is that?

Is that something that we taught you as your imperial overlords?

That's something we are still doing research on.

If you taught us this,

I have to say this: that we've perfected it far better than you have.

That's all we're just passing on our knowledge and allowing you to pick up that bat on.

Yes.

Indian, thank you very much for joining us.

Good luck for taking over the world over the next half a century.

It's hard to know.

It's hard to know what to say, basically, when you're basically sorry, you're welcome, and sorry again.

Yeah, you could probably skip out the middle one, Andy.

Just go with a blanket apology.

We built them a big hedge once.

Your emails now, and there is a fantastic email here from Raheed in Mumbai who says, Dear Andy, John, and Chris, in order of most likely to be sued for bullshitting.

Well, that's certainly most likely me at the moment because I'm in India where they've been arresting people for making completely innocent Facebook posts.

So, frankly.

Oh, dear.

Frankly, I'm basically, as soon as this recording is finished, I'm officially on the run.

He says, my name is Raid Thakur from Mumbai, India.

And by the time you read this email on the bugle, I would have already met and hand-delivered my gift to Andy at his Mumbai gig.

Now, when I heard that Andy would be performing in my city, my first thought was, I should be attending the gig.

And it's not every day that you meet the Sultan of Bulshitistan.

World class.

I'm having a t-shirt with that written on it, made.

World-class, Raid.

He goes on to say, so I had to get a gift.

Now, the big issue that's divided the bugle is Andy's pun runs.

I absolutely love that.

Good man, a man of impeccable judgment.

Just like so many people in this country.

But to be fair, John, I am a reasonable man.

So if John has to go through Andy's pun runs, then even Andy has to watch John's movies.

So coming back to the gift, the idea was clear.

I will purchase a copy of The Love Guru and

give it to Andy.

Then I decided John's movies have already made enough billions and I should donate this money money to the Bugle.

So instead, downloading a bootleg copy of The Love Guru and will be donating the amount I set aside to purchase the movie to the bugle.

But John, I need to be sure that Andy has watched the movie and is not just lying about it.

So feel free to ask him something that he can only know if he has seen the movie.

Sorry, can't ask any questions myself because even I haven't seen it.

What?

The donation will only be made once John gives the nod that Andy has in fact fulfilled his legal obligation to watch The Love Guru.

Yours immaturely, Raid the curve ps you chris

so

oh andy right what is okay let's just start with a very simple one what is the name of my character in the movie well i know that john that's dick pants i know that because i've watched the film on many occasions that proves nothing andy that proves nothing um what is the ice hockey team that the beat that the uh movie is based around that is the new york forks

Okay, you've not watched it.

Is it the mighty ducks?

It's the mighty ducks, isn't it?

It's not the mighty ducks.

That is also a great film.

All right.

Ducks fly together.

Quack, quack.

The flying V.

That's a high watermark for Amelia Esterverse, that film.

Oh, dear.

So

I will watch it someday.

Withhold payment, Raid.

Withhold it.

A quick update now before we go this week on the Bugle logo design.

We've had some absolutely tremendous entries so far.

The deadline is next Friday.

We did say previously we'd announce the prize in this podcast, but we've both been kind of busy and haven't had a chance to discuss it yet.

I've barely even spoken to my wife since I got here.

So we'll announce the prize next week, not this week as promised.

And the deadline does remain next Friday.

And thanks to all of those who've sent competition entries in so far, the details on the website.

And also, don't forget, you can check out our SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle.

Also, I could even remember that in a different time zone.

I've said that five and a half hours earlier than I usually do.

Chris, how's things in England?

On the third continent of this podcast?

It's pretty amazing, actually.

There's two suns now over England.

There are pixies, elves.

It's beautiful.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Wow, I've chosen the wrong time to come away.

That's it for this week, Buglers.

I'll see you all in my gig in Calcutta next week.

If not, we will talk to you again next week from all three corners of the world.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Sorry, India.

Bye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.