The Bugle – The Producer Chris Podcast

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The Producer Chris podcast

hurricane for a visual world

is that James

Hello and welcome to the Producer Chris Outtake Extravaganza podcast.

John's eating turkey and he's eating curry.

So you've got me, some outtakes,

some thoughts and opinions from buglers, an analysis into the sporting skills of your beloved hosts,

shut up,

and of course, some triathlon talk.

It's the best sport in the world.

Shut up.

Let's start.

In other regretful election aftermath news, how is this for a headline, Andy?

No regrets for man with Romney tattoo on his face.

I mean, let's just let that sentence sink in for a moment, because you've got to give it a little time.

That is one of those newspaper headlines that just sounds like a cryptic crossword clue.

It just doesn't quite make sense, but nearly does.

There are two key information points in that sentence, Andy.

The first one is that a man got a Romney tattoo on his face That's initially hard to believe But the second point of information is that he has no regrets for doing that Which just seems impossible, but I'm afraid both of the things are actually true We mentioned a while ago that a man here in the US auctioned off the real estate of the side of his face on eBay and ended up getting a Romney Ryan tattoo after someone bid $15,000 for him to do it.

His name is Eric Hartzberg and he claims to be a professional wrestler and he said of the situation that he's now in I'm college educated and I'm not an idiot.

Getting the tattoo was a decision that I made and I am cool with.

Of course I'm disappointed about the election results.

I wanted Romney to win, obviously.

And in his defense, I suppose that is especially obvious now, Andy, especially if you look at the side of his face, for instance.

He went on to say, but I'm proud of the voters and the record turnout in certain places.

And most of all, I'm proud with the effort that I made.

Obama supporters have come up to me since the election and said, told you so, or you look like an idiot.

But if you take Romney's losing out of the equation and someone with a face tattoo out of the equation and actually have a conversation with me, you might realise that it's not about what's just on the surface.

Here's the problem with that, Andy.

It's very hard to take those two things

out of the equation as they're two of the first and then only things that you think of when you see this man.

You think, oh, why did that man get a tattoo of the losing ticket in the 2012 presidential election on the side of his face?

What's on the other side, a tattoo of the Mondale Ferraro ticket from 1984?

Well, as you say, the old saying once again says, there's only one thing more stupid than having a tattoo of Mitt Romney's campaign logo done in your face, and that's not regretting having a tattoo of Mitt Romney's campaign logo done in your face.

I don't really understand tattoos, John.

They've become almost more common than human skin over the last 15 years.

And it's really amazing to think that just a generation ago, people still had the ability ability to remember all of their children's names without having them indelibly inscribed on their arms they could also remember what kind of person they were and what they liked thought and believed without without having it permanently inked on their flesh like an adequate memo on a fridge i think the only genuine reason for getting a tattoo is when you have advanced alzheimers and you need it to remember who you are but i guess

or you or if you're a four-star general and you've lost your penis ring and you want to be sure that you learn the lessons that you need to learn

We've all made mistakes though, John.

I mean I was, particularly when it comes to the US presidential elections, I was convinced that the fire-breathing Michael Dukakis action man was going to be the must-have toy at Christmas 1988.

And I sank a lot of money into it.

As it was,

it didn't sell that well, John.

It didn't sell that well.

And at least in mitigation,

the guy did not have an actual picture of Mitt Romney's face done on his face.

That was only the campaign logo.

The two R's, ironically, two of the three R's this gentleman gentleman clearly wasn't paying attention to at school if he's stupid enough to have a campaign logo tattooed on his f ⁇ ing face.

Well,

it's one step worse, Andy, because apparently this man now has the middle space of his forehead up for auction and the current highest bidder for it is $742.

And what does that person want him to tattoo on his forehead?

That's right, Andy.

A penis.

And

ask yourself this, Andy.

Is having a penis tattooed on your forehead for $742

any less stupid than having Mitt Romney tattooed on the side of your face for $15,000?

Those are just different seats in the same batch it crazy ballpark.

Ah, the American election.

Those were the days.

It was like a real election, but with two political parties.

Oh,

yeah.

It's music time now on the bugle, and I am lucky enough to be joined by two of my favourite buglers who I've ever spoken to in all of my life.

The first one is Jeremy from America and I am also joined by an I assume an English bugler, James Buffoni, is that right?

That's correct, yes.

Both of you, welcome to this spin-off programme.

Later on, I should say in the bugle, we will be talking about other in-depth topics like the quality of Andy's puns but before I want to talk about John's musical contribution to the bugle.

First off James what is it that you think that is so special about John's delivery?

John's delivery, although it lacks any kind of musical style, tone or difference in range, his delivery is passionate, it's powerful and it just gives me a chance to have a grin when I'm listening to the bugle.

It's fantastic.

It's life-changing.

Jeremy, life-changing it might be, but does John actually offer that much as a lyricist?

I would say that John's singing is like the noise produced by strangling a cat with another cat while a chorus of sick ducks quack in the background all atop a crashing train.

And that is good, isn't it?

Well, admittedly it's good for the train manufacturing industry

because it generates more work.

That is true.

It definitely provides more work for the train industry, but you know, I can't say I particularly like it, but it definitely,

unlike some pun, unlike pun, that doesn't make me want to put a bullet in my brain.

So you're saying maybe that John's music is something that can soothe a suicidal tendency brought about by the vocal deliveries of Andy Zulzmann?

Well,

it at least distracts you mildly for a few minutes.

You're saying that Andy has made you want to kill yourself, aren't you?

Well, sometimes.

I mean, other times he's he's you know put off some pretty good jokes and

sometimes he has made me truly re-evaluate my own positions on how horrible my own nation is and that we really need to go back to the motherland.

And can we use that as a quote for a future Bugle poster maybe?

Okay, so I can assure you that Andy's puns categorically make me want to commit suicide.

I want to maybe talk about the social importance of John's lyrics.

I mean, for example, he has often quoted Bon Jovi, Tommy used to work on the docks, union's been on strike, he's down on his luck, it's tough, so tough.

Do you think the fact that John chooses these songs shows maybe some kind of socio-political message?

Absolutely.

I think John is so well connected with the socio-political issues of the day that he just interprets these, all the complex things that are going on around us in song.

And he just captures it.

John Bon Jovi captures this nuance better than anybody else for my reckoning, Chris.

And Jeremy, would you say he's more of a mimic or a master in his own right?

I would say his main skill is just espousing bullshit.

Sometimes you just get the feeling that

he might be getting a little

going in a little too deep and attempting to

pull something out of

the deepest wretches of his own stomach.

And occasionally you just don't want to see what comes out from there.

No, no, no.

And I have seen actually what's come out in the past and it it took ages to clean up.

It really did.

It was terrible.

I would rather scoop out my own eyeballs with a melon baller than ask for a pun.

He's got a pun about that actually.

We've got to get us to some middle ground here and it's all very well playing one off against the other but I think the only fair thing to do really is to get John to sing off an Andy pun run.

Oh, that'd be brilliant, wouldn't it?

It would be the worst of both worlds.

Yeah.

The bugle would truly eat itself.

I think there would be no more show from then on.

As much as I despise puns, I really think that we need that to happen.

And finally, in Daredevil News, a daredevil who planned to walk across the Irish Sea inside a giant floating hamster wheel has failed after his, wait for it, floating hamster wheel sank.

It's a a hell of a sentence, Andy, because

you've got the surprise of the invention of a floating hamster wheel alongside the lack of surprise with the news that it sank.

He must have been so shocked.

What?

My floating hamster wheel is sinking?

How is this happening?

How could anyone have foreseen that this contraption would not be seaworthy?

Oh, cruel fates.

I could not have seen this coming, that's for sure.

Thank goodness I have my floating rabbit hutch to take me home.

What?

It's sinking too.

This is truly not my day.

Well, we may scoff at him, John, but this is the one with genuine scientific value, because when all the fossil fuels run out, we are all going to be crossing the Atlantic in giant hamster wheels.

It's the only way humanity is going to be able to travel around.

The lifeguard watch officer who found him said they experienced problems after about 12 miles and tried to turn it around, but it disintegrated.

The whole thing has sunk to the bottom of the sea.

It won't be a danger to navigation or shipping.

And I'm guessing it won't be a danger.

And it's due to the fact that it's just a f ⁇ ing hamster wheel.

It's just a man-sized floating hamster wheel.

And therefore, any ship could just comfortably smash straight through it and probably be fine.

Well, it's going to be a pretty tough conversation at the Daredevil of the Year awards.

What did you do?

Yeah, I jumped from 24 miles above the Earth's surface in a parachute.

Out you?

Yeah, I sunk in a hamster wheel.

I reckon I'll take second place

at best.

But again, Andy, you're right, because this guy was doing it for charity.

And it's like you say about Felix Baumgartner.

You just wish that they owned the fact that this was pointless.

Because it's easy to do something noble.

That motivates itself.

It's hard to do something pointless.

And that's what I love about all these stories is the life-affirming realization that humans have a part of them that will do something like this that defies explanation.

And so he was doing it for charity, this hamster wheel sea crossing, in an attempt to make it noble.

But I would love to see someone do something like this for nothing.

For literally nothing.

So that when people said, why are you doing this, there was just an awkward pause.

I'm now joined by producer Ped from the Bugle podcast.

Ped, it might be true that I'm a f ⁇ ing slice, but why did you have to call me on the bugle, the show that I let you deputise in for me?

Why did you call me a f ⁇ slice?

You let me deputize it's because you're a f ⁇ ing f ⁇ slice Chris that is that is true yes it's factually correct it is

it's watertight Chris it's watertight f slice

they say a play on words is always worth a punt

Well, I don't know actually if they do and if they do, it's really stupid.

It just doesn't make sense.

But puns do make sense to some people though, including New York bugler Anne-Marie.

Anne-Marie, you love Andy's puns, don't you?

I do.

I do.

I find them very charming.

Now, you described in an email to me as you described puns as being the bees' knees.

And is there a particular pun run that has appealed to you in the past?

Are we talking dogs?

Are we talking anything Greco-Roman related or US President related?

The US President pun run

was definitely my favorite that I've heard.

It was vi it was the heft of it was impressive.

If nothing else, just the sheer expanse of it.

You are a sick and twisted person.

You know that, don't you?

Yeah, I I know, I know.

I seek help.

Yeah, yeah, well good, good.

I'm I'm pleased you do, because I was going to offer you some numbers if you didn't.

Now, I believe you see a comparison between Andy's pun runs and the works of Shakespeare.

Clearly.

And this is William Shakespeare we're talking about here.

Oh, yeah.

No, the comedic heritage, the lineage is clear to me, at least.

Wow.

So what you're basically implying here is one of two things.

That either Andy is quoting masterpieces when he pun runs, or that he's just churning out 500-year-old shit.

One of the two.

Yeah, I mean,

it's actually probably both.

Yes, you know.

I think you're probably very right.

So to anyone, I mean, there are many buglers who are so challenging of Andy's pun runs.

They really get wound up about them.

What would you say to those buglers?

I mean I would definitely encourage them to maybe have a glass of wine.

Not necessarily something to get so worked up about.

And then also, you know,

the effort that he puts into them is what I appreciate.

So, you know, sometimes appreciating process over product.

can be a helpful way to look at it.

And there is a ringing endorsement, if I've ever heard one.

Well, well, Anne-Marie, thank you so much for your contribution.

That's a good two fingers to me, John, and all the other buglers who are losing their minds.

We'll take your advice, which I believe is to drink wine and appreciate the fact that he bothers.

Yes, absolutely true.

Brilliant.

Thank you very much, Anne-Marie.

And also, when you're asking the question, will this hurricane affect the result of the the election what you have to ask yourself is

did this hurricane affect Ohio and if the answer is no then no

Governor Cuomo has blamed climate change for the increase in storms

and I don't know if he's got a I just personally think that it's just humanity is now more sinful than it used to be and you know you can trace the increase in extreme weather with the advent of the internet

and women getting getting the vote.

I mean, yo, Eve, why couldn't she eat a tomato instead?

I'll ask you that.

That's why we have all these storms, basically.

America has a $13 billion a year pornography industry.

So you can sort of see why God might be getting a little bit cranky with them.

Maybe he'll start dusting off some of his old favourites.

Let's see how the 2016 presidential election is affected by a plague of locusts on Los Angeles.

An actual locusts, not the metaphorical locusts that are already there.

As the producer, part of your role is to keep big egos together, foster relationships, and keep all parties happy.

The Bugle is no exception.

For example, I've never told John what Andy thinks about the Smurfs.

In fact, the primary purpose of the Bugle's bleep machine is to cut Andy's random comments on Vanity Smurf that interject basically throughout every show.

So, what good could come out of identifying different skill sets within Team Bugle?

Alan Cochrane is a comedian and wobbleboard enthusiast, and

he knows both men.

Alan, you've played association football with both of them, isn't that true?

I have, yes, some time ago now,

but yes, I would actually say I probably played both of them at their peak of physical conditioning.

Tell me,

what skills does each man bring to the game of football?

Well, I'll tell you something.

Andy Zaltzman

is a surprisingly engine room-like player for somebody fueled principally on cheese.

He really gets about.

The Premiership doesn't seem to have woken up to the energy food that is cheese, but it works for the Z man.

I can imagine he's a fearsome sight on a football pitch with

his striking hair and

maybe Gillingham shirt.

Does he play in particular football attire?

I can't remember.

My main memory of Zoltzmann is his legs.

He seems to have built-in shin pads

as part of his lower leg.

He's a very sturdy individual from the waist down.

I mean, he's fairly sturdy all over, but his legs in particular are like quite robotic.

Are we talking Roberto Carlos style?

Yes, yeah.

A bit taller than Carlos, I would say.

But he's certainly got that kind of lower leg kind of endurance look.

And for someone who is not necessarily familiar with the game, can you think of any sort of star players who each man resembles?

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Zoltzmann, I think, has got some of the finer finesse of Lionel Messi.

Wow.

And I would say he has the sort of engine and dynamism of a young Brian Robson.

Wow.

Yeah, he's some footballer.

He really is a force to be reckoned with.

Whereas

John Oliver, I would say,

he puts me more in mind of the Swedish lads, is it Ibrahimovic?

Yes.

But before he scored against England insofar as that

he seems to, some people seem to think he's a good footballer, but the majority don't really spot it.

He believes it.

I don't know if he's doing something too subtle, but basically, for me, with John Oliver, the jury is out until he does a 30-yard overhead kick that goes in the top corner of the goal and until that moment happens I just don't see the fuss about John Oliver as a football player.

One of your fellow comedians, Russell Howard, describes John as a very selfish player.

Well

it's very tempting to say it takes one to know what

yeah maybe that's exactly it.

Perhaps John's just never squared the ball across to me who I mean I don't think it's any surprise that I I'm more of a Peter Crouch figure on right yes I can see that by which I mean surprisingly good feet for a big lad

great goal last season against Man City as well congratulations on that thanks very much for that and yeah if the jury was out on me until then then it's it's been back in and I've been reprieved haven't I

you have indeed

let's say Alan your your ankle uh finally gave way on you oh yeah the wobble board no longer worked anymore I love the fact you're mentioning my wobble board that I've only really just got, but yeah.

No, you know,

I'm a big fan of the wobble board.

I like the thought of you recuperating using one.

It tickles me.

I'm a bit of a buglers worldwide now having to go and Google wobble boards because of this.

Sales, rocket.

Let's buy some shares now.

This program won't come out for another few days.

Great.

So yeah, Wobbleboard Inc.

So let's say you have to become a football manager.

You've got a squad of uh 20 players including Zoltzmann and Oliver who's making the starting 11 what where are you going to play them

I I would put Zoltzmann centre back or perhaps in his heyday middle of midfield okay

and John Oliver I think

I would I would be very tempted to

do the old left back

and by that I mean left back in the changing room.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, good.

I'm glad you got the old.

No, I'm there.

I'm there.

Yeah,

he wouldn't even trouble the middle order of the subs for me.

Wow.

That's quite a problem.

Until he scores that overhead kick from 30 yards out, I just don't see it.

Oh, well,

he's a loss to the game anyway, so maybe we're never going to see that.

Exactly, he doesn't even understand the rules anymore.

If he keeps talking about plays and transitioning.

It's not sport, is it?

It's just not

It's very strange.

It's hard to have a chat with him about the beautiful game.

Yeah, yeah.

Alan, thank you so much for your time.

I think this has been enlightening, definitely for me, and I'm sure for many buglers as well.

I mean, the picture of Zoltzmann marauding around the pitch is a beautiful one.

Oh, he's some footballer, he really is.

Alan Cochrane, goodbye.

And I'm sure it's not just natural results.

I'm sure there were some people watching the the Enola Gay drop its sweet little parcels of freedom over Hiroshima and Nagasaki, who were straight on the phone to their stockbroker saying, let's go in long on Japanese wig manufacturers.

There is going to be a lot of hair falling out of a lot of heads.

And I'm sure there were families in the blitz in London, cowering in their Anderson shelters as the naughty German bombs fell, with their children saying, Daddy, I'm scared.

Don't worry, little Bertrand, I'm all over this.

I've gone in big on the construction sector.

We just need to sit it out and we'll win big time.

I've read this war like a Mills and Boone.

And those Shazian sandbags are us, Inca, shooting upwards.

Just like Mr.

Perkins from Two Doors Down is right now.

Oh and on his toilet as well.

Do not use your outdoor cars in an air raid.

It will at best ruin your crossword.

Okay, I am joined now by Amanda Wilmer, who is a triathlete, not just annihilathlete.

She has represented Team GB at the triathlon world championships in the age group category earlier on this year.

Hello, Amanda.

F ⁇ you, Chris.

F ⁇ you buglers.

Oh, that's so nice to know.

It's so nice.

I want to ask you, okay first off, where did you do this crazy triathlon and what was it all about?

So I did it in Auckland in New Zealand and it's like the grand finale of a Grand Prix, of the ICU series.

And you get to rate all the other age groupers to the best of their age group in different countries across the world.

So you literally, obviously,

you're not a a professional triathlete, but there you were in

GB colours, being overtaken and overtaking people from other countries.

That must have been quite a buzz.

Yeah, it was amazing.

And you have an athlete's parade, an opening ceremony, and a closing ceremony.

And yeah, it's a great honour.

See, the thing that appeals to me the most, and obviously we've met before and I've spoken to mates, the thing that I like the most is the idea of hunting down foreigners and trying to overtake them.

That to me,

you know, there must be something different about competing for your country, surely.

Yeah, there's definitely, you just definitely, definitely want to hunt down any Australians and Kiwis and Irish.

All the other countries are fine, it's just that little problem.

So

there's a

healthy amount of banter on the call, so it's good.

And why do you do Triflon?

What's so good about it?

It's diverse.

It's full of people who are mental.

You don't get bored.

You've always got three things to think about.

It's just an awesome sport.

And people are quite crazy and they set

high expectations for themselves.

And so people who don't do trifling, basically, the whole world should take it up, shouldn't they?

Because they're wasting their lives if they don't do it.

Absolutely.

And are you going to be eating like a super healthy salad lunch now?

Potentially.

It's Friday.

I might go for Christmas chips.

Yes.

Live life on the edge.

Even triathletes have food-based fun.

That's what we like to hear.

And a glass of wine.

Right, that's it.

Go sign up for a triathlon.

This has been fun.

I mean, it's not as good as the bugle, but few programs are, which is why you should go and support the show.

Go to thebuglepodcast.com and contribute cash money or there will be less bugles and more of this shit.

Shut up.

Also, go to soundcloud.com/slash the hyphen bugle and listen to back episodes of the show and smile at the person called Jim who has written f you Chris in the comments section to every single podcast since we moved to SoundCloud.

Very droll, really.

Shut up.

Bye.

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.