The Bugle – Andy Zaltzman Speaks

This is a podcast from thebuglepodcast.com

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello and welcome to another Bugle bonus as we approach show 200.

This week it's the turn of Andy Zaltzmann.

Hello Andy.

Hello Chris.

Chris.

Hello, Buglers.

How are you doing today, Andy?

I'm doing okay, thanks, Chris.

Are you excited about Bugle 200?

Well, I think it's going to be one of the greatest moments in the history of human civilisation, Chris.

So, yes, of course, I'm excited about it.

It's the 21st century's Sistine Chapel ceiling.

I like to think of it, but more so.

I've got about, well, I've got loads of questions for you.

We've had hundreds submitted, so I'm going to crack on with them right away.

Straight up, let's set the scene.

James Walkardine, what is the bugle?

What is the bugle?

Well the bugle is the single most reliable source of facts and news in the universe I would say.

That might not entirely be a fact or news, but I think the point stands.

It's it's pretty, I think a bastion of hope in an otherwise gloomy world.

It's something that people can cling on to in in metaphorically and literally stormy weather.

It's it's it's basically the one thing that is keeping the planet just about ticking over.

I don't think I'm going over the top when I say that, but I guess we'll let history be the judge.

You're holding back, you're holding back.

David McGuire and Erica Gottfried, very similar questions from those.

What's your daily routine before recording the bugle?

Does it involve a life-size cutout of Florence Nightingale and a tub of goat's cheese?

And Erica adds, do you just wing it every week?

The question about the Florence Nightingale life-size cutout and the goat's cheese is currently sub-due to say, so I'm not at liberty to comment on that until the court case is completed.

Basically, the last sort of 48 hours before a bugle involve a lot of visualization exercises, some altitude training where I write some jokes and then float up in a hot air balloon to see if they work at 30,000 feet.

Obviously, eating a lot of high-carb foods.

You've got a carbo like before doing an intensive podcast such as the Bugle.

And just reading passages from the Bible just to calm calm myself down.

So

basically basically that plus

frantically catching up on news and desperately trying to see the funny side as the world slowly rips itself to pieces.

So

we don't wing it.

No, no, I don't we I mean we partially wing it but those wings have been at least tested in advance.

So we're not it's not this is not an Icarus style of production.

This is more a

quality aircraft.

There is less air the higher up you go.

Does the lack of oxygen and the altitude training suggest how the pun run came into existence?

Yeah, I guess

a lack of oxygen has been proved to

cause greater incidence of puns.

As anyone who's seen my live show in the last year will know, I've got Forster syndrome, the medical condition that makes you more predisposed to punning.

So I guess altitude could definitely play a part in that.

It would would be interesting to have a full transcript of exactly what Edmund Hillary and

Tencent Norke were talking about as they headed to the top of Mount Everest in 1953.

It was probably just gag after gag after gag.

In fact, I might see for the next bugle I might see if I can discover the long-lost transcript from that.

As you know, we've uncovered a lot of very important documents.

including of course John Grisham's unpublished Congressman's Penis novel and

the the full details of what happened when Michelangelo painted his assisting chapel a long time ago.

So maybe that could be the next bugle exclusive is

what Henry and Tensing were saying to each other as

things were increasingly tensing up and becoming hilarious.

I'd imagine it was along those lines.

You mentioned the Congressman's Penis.

Paul West asks, if it was made into a TV series, or better yet, he says a Hollywood blockbuster, who would you cast a Stantanio and who is the penis

well I think the bugles American would

would would make a very good Stantanio yep

regarding the penis I don't know is Bob Hope still alive I mean he probably shrivelled up enough to perform a pretty

pretty light he would look like a penis in a cold room is that what you're saying yeah yeah I mean that's no criticism of the man but uh

um, yeah, I've not really thought too much about the casting of that.

I mean, we're still very much in the early stages of

getting the Congressman's penis made as a Hollywood blockbuster, so uh, you know, who can say?

Maybe

I don't know, John Cusack, he could uh he could probably do a job for uh wow, Hulk Hogan.

We know he's a mass, massive bugle fan.

Cusack and Hogan, yeah, nice, nice.

Uh, Mark Namark asks, what's the artistic process that you follow coming up with your pun fests?

And just what the f is wrong with them.

What the f is wrong with him?

And I think when he says him, he means you.

Right.

Well, I mean, it's, I don't really want to give away secrets of the trade.

The techniques that go into creating a pun run have been honed

over generations in the Zoltzmann family.

It's secrets passed down very much like the recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken, but

healthier.

And

no, I mean, what do you mean, what is wrong with you?

What kind of question is that?

I mean,

I take deep, lifelong personal offense to that.

Everyone knows that

the pun really offers truth to the world in a format that it doesn't necessarily always seek truth in.

So

I think, you know,

it's basic.

It's comedic medicine, I think.

You might not enjoy it at the time, but it's doing you long-term good.

Brad Skinner asks, if you were doing a pun run in the middle of a forest, would anyone hear John scream?

Well, well done, Brad.

Yeah, I mean that's that's one of the ultimate

philosophical quandaries, isn't it?

That's um

yeah, that's uh

I mean, that's the same as you know, if you're if you're if you're on a raft in the middle of the ocean and you hit yourself in the face, are you an idiot?

That's no one knows.

there's no there's no right or wrong answer to this i would say but i would hope the the echoes of it

as as um

uh maximus immortally said in the gladiator uh what we do in this life echoes in eternity and i think you know the puns we tell in this life will echo in eternity so i would hope that even if john is not there in the forest to fully appreciate the puns he he will be haunted in the afterlife by their distant echoes

um final last question on the puns from chris Pumer.

Great surname.

How much does it cost to commission a bespoke pun run?

Let's say there was a topic that my partner particularly cared about and I wanted to surprise him with a lovely handcrafted pun run about it as a birthday gift.

Well I mean the average pun run takes between I guess six and nine months to create.

You know, it's not just the writing the puns, it's testing them out on animals to make sure that they're valid and safe for public consumption.

So, I mean, there's a lot of research that goes into that, some high-tech equipment, you know, calculating the finest wordplay available to humanity.

So,

if you think about all the overhead cost and the time taken, I'd say probably around about £15.

There you go, Chris.

You've had a quote.

There's been several people asking about the audio cryptic crossword, Andy.

Ever again?

Well, I mean,

never say never.

I know it's it's split opinion and you know didn't just split it but lavender it and ice cream and whacked a cherry on top.

So

I'm not sure.

I might have to consult with John to see if he's open to that.

What do you think John's answer would be?

Oh, he'd probably tell me where to stick myself.

But that's just the start of negotiations, isn't it?

Yeah, of course.

So I'd quite like to do another one, but

that might cause ruptures that bring about the end of the bugle.

So it might be a high-risk operation.

Adam Button, you can use the curse of the bugle to get rid of anyone in the world.

Who do you choose?

To get rid of them.

What, to have them annihilated?

I mean, that's...

Who do you want dead, Andy?

Come on, tell us.

That's a tough one, particularly as my wife is sitting just in the next room.

So

that's a tough question.

I'm not really into killing people.

You don't have to answer it, Andy.

I'm not expecting you to.

Yeah, Seth Blatter,

and Michelle Blatterney, possibly.

Most sports administrators, I think the world could probably do without.

Maybe we should set up a lunar colony only for sports administrators so they can only ruin sports on the moon and not on Earth as they've been sent here to do so by whatever malevolent deity is running this place.

Does my administration of the North East London Cricket League's website count towards that and therefore do I need to be given a ticket to the moon?

Well, I don't know what crackpot, crazy schemes you've come up with.

Like, Michelle.

I expect all teams to submit their reports by Sunday night, Andy.

To me, you know, as an objective outside, that seems reasonable, Chris.

I mightn't let you off.

Okay, thank you.

No, that's probably how Blatter started as well.

We had a couple of disaster-themed questions, which was quite surprising.

I thought I'd put a couple of them to you.

Kevin Hiscox, if you were caught in an alive disaster-type scenario with food rations non-existent, who would you rather eat, John or me?

Well, John is

John is quite a

scrawny individual.

Chris, I know you're a tremendous physical specimen,

one of the world's

leading triathletes.

I'm more of a meal.

Obviously, you did lose the London Marathon, but you had injury problems.

And lots of people lost that marathon.

There was only one winner, 30,000 total losers.

So, well, I reckon you'd probably

make better meats than John.

John, you'd probably want to boil down for stock.

Whereas I reckon you could get some pretty decent steaks out of you, Chris.

So I'd probably go for you first, and then if things got really desperate, then I'd eat John second.

Well, that quote's going on my C V.

Thank you.

Nathan Burgess, you're on an aeroplane.

The engines have failed and the plane is going down.

There are only two parachutes and you are wearing one.

also on the plane with you john oliver producer chris your lovely wife yep and a life-size statue of florence nightingale made entirely of serrano ham

who gets the second parachute right is this plane definitely going down it's going down

oh man that is a tough call and that that that really is a tough call she's in the room next she's in the room obviously obviously my wife would definitely be on the list of contenders

but yeah i mean serrano Ham is you know particularly you know if I'm gonna have to think about if this is a similar scenario to the previous one where I might have to eat a person to survive then I probably don't want to have to eat my own wife whereas a statue of Florence Nightingale made out of Serrano ham no there'd be no guilt involved in that it'd be a tribute as much as anything so I think I'd uh

I'd probably I'd probably go with the Serrano ham statue and trust that John's Hollywood connections could get him out of trouble and get and get you and the wife out of trouble as well.

That's very, very diplomatically put.

Kevin Lyder, three questions.

One of them, I'll answer: who's your favourite producer?

That's obviously me, not Tom.

Why do you think John is so bad at coming up with puns?

Well, I think he fears the pun.

And

I mean, it's probably something to do with

his upbringing.

Maybe he had a difficult relationship with his parents when he was young, and that can really restrict a person's ability to make puns.

That's That's why

that's certainly why Hitler made so few puns I think.

Maybe

he fears the comedic beast that could be awakened within him.

He did make a pun recently on the bugle.

Spontaneous pun.

I can't remember exactly what it was.

Yeah, it was kind of like something really dirty had happened.

When you

chip away that iceberg then underneath, you may find an ice cream, as Aristotle said.

So maybe that'll be the way with John and Puns.

I don't know.

It's a great mystery.

It's one of his significant flaws as a human being,

and shirking tackles on the football pitch.

Finally, this is a question I actually get asked most weeks.

And any regular bugler will know, we did say we were taking a few weeks off.

But given that Bugle 200 is just seven days away as we record this,

Kenneth Leung asks, where's my f ⁇ ing bugle?

Well, that's a legitimate question.

People seem to ask that it is within usually about five minutes of us having recorded it, which I think is expecting too much, even of a producer as efficient as you, Chris.

Thank you.

But our Bugle 200 will be very much worth waiting for.

And as we mentioned a couple of weeks ago, it will also hopefully coincide with the launch of official Bugle merchandise a mere...

four and a three-quarter years after we started doing the bugle as the ruthless commercial enterprise that we've always been.

So,

exciting times, buglers.

Hang on, the weight will make it sweeter.

Andy Zorksford, congratulations on all your success.

Thank you.

Thanks, Chris.

It's been an honor and a career highlight to talk to you.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.