The Bugle – John Oliver Speaks

This is a podcast from thebuglepodcast.com.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, I'm producer Chris.

This is a special edition of a programme related to the Bugle, who I'm going to call a Bugle Extra.

I'm joined now by someone who you you might be familiar with.

It's John Oliver.

Hello Chris.

Hello Buglers.

How you doing John?

Fine thanks mate.

How are you?

Very good.

Let's not be around the bush.

Questions?

I've got loads submitted by the audience here.

First one's from Mark James.

Dear John,

how did you meet Andy and why?

I've met Andy.

I like the existential second part of that question.

I think I've met Andy at the Cosmic Comedy Club in London,

which I guess now is some kind of low-grade restaurant.

Back then it was a low-grade comedy club.

And we were both about to do a gig, both unbeknownst to us, about to bomb pretty hard on stage.

And

we'd already been put together on a bit.

We were about to go on tour with each other, and we'd never met each other.

We were about to go on tour with a guy called Johnny Candon around English colleges.

And so, you know, we kind of met briefly then before spending a lot of time together.

And I guess it was that lot of time together that

cemented our friendship.

And as for why, that is a good question.

And, you know, I asked myself that every time Andy opened his mouth.

David Callaghan, do you fear doing the bugle is holding back your singing career?

Yes.

Yeah.

I mean, obviously I started the bugle as a way to segue into really pop power ballads as a living and for some reason that hasn't happened yet.

I don't know if it is because that's not that's because I'm not pushing hard enough or because the music industry is struggling a little at the moment.

Have you heard?

I'm in it to sell platinum discs, Chris.

Have you heard the listeners compilation of all your bugle singing moments?

I've got through about two minutes half it and then I'll have to stop.

It's a wonderful 15 minutes or or more, I think.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Congratulations.

That is like a constant copyright infringement, is it?

That's 15 minutes of litigious singing.

Jez Bays, is being separated by the Atlantic Ocean the only way to sustain a long-term working relationship with Andy Zoltzmann?

Well, it seems so.

You know, it's amazing.

I think we've become more comfortable with a large body of water between us.

I think I remember when we were doing them in the same room, Andy likes to make sure there's at least a glass of water between us as well, just because otherwise

it just doesn't feel quite right.

But yeah, it's been, I guess the bugle has been a perfect way to

keep in touch with Andy on both a professional and a personal level.

The fact that I've hit recall is merely a bonus.

Yeah, that's right.

There's so many questions about Andy's pun runs and your perspective on them.

I mean, there's too many to just pick one out but how would you describe it?

Any questions?

Well I'm surprised at any questions because I feel like I've made my views on Andy's pun runs pretty clear.

I don't think there's much grey area in terms of my reaction to them.

I'm against Andy's pun runs and I know that you actually come across as a joke, you know, it seemed like a comic anguish, but you're mistaking comic anguish for actual anguish.

I do not respect the pun, Chris.

I do not admire the pun.

Andy claims to I fear the pun.

I don't fear the pun.

I want to conquer the pun.

I would like to completely eliminate it from the English language.

I'm against one pun.

I'm even more against two puns.

And a pun run, I think, is a human rights infraction.

This leads quite nicely on to a question from Richard Avery.

How much did you pay Andy to stop the audio-cryptic crossword?

You might need to explain what it is to a new bugler.

Well, when we started the bugle, we're going back years now,

Andy did

an audio-cryptic cross-word.

So there was a clue

that

he would know the answer to.

Because the problem with Andy is he focuses so much around lies that that really removes any chance of answering any of the cryptic cross-word questions.

you need to not know the answer to something you need to know the answer to a lie that has somehow formed in Andy's head that is beyond cryptic that is borderline impossible.

And so that it happened every bugle for a while and it was slowly breaking me.

And

I thank the hypothetical Lord every day that there is no more cryptic crossword.

If he could just destroy pun runs as well, then I would be a believer.

Well, let's see what Bugle 200 holds in regards to

Jack Rogers.

When will you leave America and go back to wherever you're from?

Well, I don't know.

I'm not sure about that.

You know, I'm currently contracted to be in America

by Viacom and the US government.

So I guess I'm here for the foreseeable future.

And then I'll, to be honest, I don't really remember where I'm from.

So then I'll just become like a little hobo, I think, wandering from town to town

trying to find where I belong.

This is Lawrence Taylor.

Whose roof would you paint a massive penis on, and why?

Great question.

You're going to go a long way to find a better roof than the Vatican

because what you're guaranteed there is God's attention and he can't be angry because the penis, of course, is one of his creations.

So it's both an insult and a tribute in a way.

I think the Vatican would be really something.

I'm going to Rome next week as well, so I might even give it a go.

John, I've never chartered a helicopter before, funnily enough, but I think for that, that would be reason alone to charter your first helicopter to get a nice aerial view.

Yeah.

Matthew King, Armadinajad, Chavez, or Kane, who would win in a fight?

Herman Kane.

Now, that might be because I've had some personal contact with Herman Kane.

But it's also because I think

that is a man whose pure confusing charisma could bamboo his opponent to the extent that you just wouldn't want to hit him in the face where you've met him.

You don't want to strike him.

And obviously that would be a huge advantage on his part.

Jason Bellam, what do you tell the people of the Daily Show you are doing when you are recording the bugle?

They suggest a regular appointment at Almost Jane's Ladyboy Emporium.

Yeah.

Well, you know, you have to shift it up because you you can't just, they're not going to believe that I go to that particular emporium for, you know, four straight years.

So, no, it's basically a

you just got to come up with a new, plausible, but imaginative lie each week.

Uh Greg Joyner, if you could have any of the batshit, crazy dictators and despots mentioned in the last 200 episodes to replace Chris, i.

me,

who would that be?

Again, that's another strong question

I think oh boy

who would you like to say f ⁇ you to on a weekly basis might be an easier way of putting it

there are so many

I think I think no I think Gaddafi would run a pretty loose ship of a podcast so I think

I think to hear To hear Gaddafi producing a podcast, I think, would be quite interesting.

Partly because, you know, there's a little bit of previous between Diddafi and the bugle.

If you found out any about that, I'm guessing that you wouldn't, you know how you look good at, you sit back and you chip in, Chris.

I feel like

Giddafi would interrupt.

As soon as Andy had said, hello,

you would just hear him jump in.

And then the next four hours would also, you've got to look at lengths.

Remember those features of the UN where he went through two translators?

It would be interesting to see who we could shake off first, Andy or me.

Karen Knights, I'm almost at the end, John.

Karen Knights, if you could change one thing about Andy, regardless of guilt or consequences, what would you change?

You're just spoiled for choice.

It's hard to know with Andy.

It's hard to know.

You know, like...

Mr.

Burns in The Simpsons had almost every human disease known to man.

They were kind of working against each other in perfect synchronicity.

It's hard to know that if you remove one thing from Andy, the whole thing might just fall apart.

So I'm inclined to leave him as he is, just a kind of human case study in lies.

Wow.

It is quite scary when he all of a sudden comes out with a real zinger of a fact because

you've got to doubt it.

You've got to doubt it.

Yeah, that's right.

He is the boy who cried bullshit, and he has been for too long.

Final question.

I think it's a very appropriate final question from from Sam Schaefer.

If your life were a musical, which let's face it, it pretty much is, what would your big finale number be?

Outstanding question.

My big finale number, you know, every musical needs one.

You've got a choir of children behind you.

You've got a fake helicopter about to descend from the top of the stage like in this side gone.

You've got a brass section.

You've got a brass section, you've got a t-shirt cannon.

God, you'd go a long way

to better a

ballad, slow version of Baby Got Back by some excellent.

And some

song with real passion and verve, with

sweet orchestral backing.

I think it would be that.

Take it down and then bring it up.

Exactly.

John, thank you much.

You're welcome very much.

Congratulations to you on 200 bugles.

Thank you.

Well, yeah, congrats at 199.

Let's not get the yips right now.

And I'm going to assume we're going to make it.

We're going to make it.

Yes.

And yeah, and you can find out what Andy thinks of you next week.

I think I already know, but it'll be nice to have it confirmed.

It's almost like that bit after blind dates where they get to listen back to the reactions of the other person, yeah.

That is exactly what it is.

Wow.

I'm sure you'll still be together for the 200.

Well, thanks, mate.

Nice one, John.

Thanks very much.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.