Bugle 185 – Burning Rings Of Steel

This is a podcast from thebuglepodcast.com.

The Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 185 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world with me, Andy Zoltzman, in the sun-kissed utopia of London the city about which Oscar Wilde said the man who can dominate a London dinner table can dominate the world Furniture wrestling was a big sport in those days and Wilde was a tremendous pundit.

The way he called the Jeff Brisket vs.

a Chesterfield sofa title fight was a masterpiece of lyrical insight.

And joining me from New York, the city described by the early 20th century American writer Christopher Morley as the nation's thyroid gland.

That's going to hurt.

It's John Oliver.

Hello Andy.

Hello.

Hello buglers.

I was in Atlanta last weekend, Andy.

I'd like to say a quick hello to all the buglers who came to see me.

And I'd like to say a particular hello to Richard and Jim, Andy, who brought along a box for me that said three words on the front that have meant so much to the bugle over the years and have been the building blocks, indeed, of an entire nation.

Those three words were Belgian waffle maker.

That's right.

They brought me a Belgian waffle maker, Andy.

The card read as follows.

Dear John, Andy and Chris, in order of enjoying these Belgian waffles, my roommate and I just wanted to wish you the best of luck and put our support behind you guys in any way we could.

Being from Florida, the only way we knew how was the ancient Florida's tradition of gifting a Belgian waffle maker.

That tradition first observed by European explorer Ponce de Leon.

Legend has it that he encountered the Calusa Indians in the western portion of Florida.

The Calusa presented to Mr.

de Leon a primitive waffle maker and a collection of tintin comics, which the Spaniards, in their closed-minded way, took as a threat and fled.

It was not until later that they realised the Indians had meant no harm.

But by then, it was too late, as the Kalusa had been seriously offended by the Spaniards' lack of manners.

This eventually led to Ponce de Leon's death when a Calusa Indian arrow accidentally mortally wounded him.

Anyway, please enjoy the waffles.

Maybe you can hold a bake sale to save the bugle, Richard and Jim.

Come on, Andy.

That is some high-end bullshit generosity with a side helping of bullshit reasoning behind it.

Andy, you're actually coming here next week.

We'll be doing the bugle together next Friday.

I'm going to whip you up a waffle, Andy.

We'll eat like a couple of Belgians.

Awesome.

Have you made any waffles yet?

No, not yet.

No, not yet, Andy.

I'm waiting till you come here.

The only side note to this story is that when I got to the airport, the driver said, oh, what have you got in there?

And I said, right, a waffle maker that someone from the gig had given me.

And he said, have you actually checked what's in the box?

I said, no.

And he said, it isn't a knife or a gun or some heroin, is is it?

And I laughed, and then I thought, actually, I don't know.

And let me tell you, as that box went through the scanner, Andy, and I looked at the TSA agent screen, I've never wanted to see the outline of a Belgian waffle maker more.

Well, I look forward to similar gifts of generosity when I land in America next week.

Yeah, it's waffle o'clock, Andy.

Set your watch to waffle.

On the subject of my trip to America, there's a few gigs I'm doing in New York, aside from the recording for your show, John, including Hot Tub on Monday the 11th.

Hang on, let me get the dates right.

Oh, you're so bad at it.

You're so bad, Andy.

There's a few gigs I'm doing in New York if you want to come along.

Here comes the pitch.

Here comes the pitch, man.

Here we live.

I'm doing Hot Tub on Monday the 12th and a show at the Duplex

on Thursday the 15th in Greenwich Village.

What time?

Roll up.

Roll up, John.

Show of the century.

I believe the duplex one's at 7 o'clock or something, or half seven.

Sounds like a guess.

Yeah, it is a guess.

That's pretty much.

I think it's actually nine.

It's nine o'clock, Andrew.

That's two hours wrong.

To be honest, hang on, I'm going to check on the internet.

I'm pretty sure it says seven.

You're so, so bad at this.

That's why my career is going so spectacularly, John.

That's why I'm breaking into prime time TV here in Britain.

But on a daily basis, there are millions of people all over the world queuing up for Andy Zoltzmann gigs at any one time.

It's just the wrong time, the wrong place.

Wrong day, wrong date.

Well, this is all staying in.

This is gold.

This is broadcasting gold.

The waffles are burning.

So there you go, seven to eight o'clock.

I was right.

But do check with with the value only by chance only by chance Andy and I'm still my instinct says you're still wrong

and hopefully there'll be some other gigs as well I'll post details on the at Hello Buglers Twitter feed

so this is Bugle 195 for the week beginning Monday the 5th of March 2012 5th of March John is National Tree Planting Day in Iran of course yep and I think we all know what kind of trees they'll be planting this year John nuclear trees.

And for the special March the 5th bugle, if you are listening to this bugle whilst travelling at five times the speed of sound, or Mark V, it contains the codes to the Russian nuclear arsenal, which you can then use to broker a fractious and fragile piece in the Middle East.

Sunday, John, is 519 years since little Chrissy Columbus returned from his Caribbean cruise, the trip of a lifetime.

Just think without Christopher Columbus, America wouldn't even exist.

And you would be sitting in an inflatable dinghy somewhere in the middle of the Atlanto-Pacific Ocean, hoping to catch a seagull for hoagie to nibble on.

And we're recording on the 2nd of March, Friday the 2nd month, 130 years to the day since Queen Victoria went 8 for 8 on surviving assassination attempts.

A figure that she retained until 1901 when she dropped to 8 for 9 after being assassinated by natural causes at the age of 81.

The eighth assassination attempts

in 1882, incidentally all of them by men, if any of you are totting up a score for who's better out of men or women, was perpetrated by the Scottish nut job poet Roderick Maclean, who was apparently so knocked off with the Queen for sending him a curt reply to a poem that he'd sent her, that he attempted to kill her.

He really needs to lighten up, John, because I send the current Her Majesty a fat wodge of income tax every year and don't get so much as a f ⁇ ing postcard from her.

Maclean was found guilt- not guilty, but insane, which by all accounts irritated the Queen more than the actual attempt to kill her, which she might have been used to after seven previous attempts of varying degrees of ineptitude, one of which involved a chance of whacking her in the face with a stick, suggesting that her PR department hyped it up to the meter as an assassination attempt, rather than what it really was, a clumsily executed snooker shot.

And surviving assassination attempts has always been good news for opinion poll ratings, as come to think of it, has not surviving assassination attempts.

Why else would I have a tattoo of Julius Caesar and William McKinley respectively shooting and stabbing each other, whilst in the background Mahatma Gandhi and the Queen Mother chest bump each other, all on my left buttock?

Sorry, not my left one, my middle one.

And as always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, making pets pay.

Can gerbils play the stock market?

New research shows that if you put the share price pages from that day's Financial Times in your rodent's cage overnight, it will shit on the ones that are going to go up in value the next day.

How your goldfish could earn up to £1,000 a week as a stunt double in a mermaid film.

Wherever I lay my hat, that's my turtle.

Legal loopholes that can help you acquire rare creatures with high resale values.

And pets with natural multipurposality.

Cut down on unnecessary expenditure by getting a bifunctional buddy.

We test out snake scarves, pelican wallets, pug hammers, polar bear chairs, do sit down carefully, and cow cycles.

And also, pet ransoms.

We tell you the latest market values for kidnapping celebrities' pets from snails, 20p unless the owner is French, via parrots, don't bother to grandparents.

Do they still count as pets?

I don't know, anyway.

But that is all in the bin this week.

top story this week, Olympics countdown.

Andy, with the crisis in Syria, Iran's race to obtain a nuclear weapon, and what Israel's response to that might be, it is very easy to lose sight of what's really important.

And that's that this is an Olympic year, Andy.

We mustn't forget that.

The world is in pain.

So, why not enjoy the fact that we have a ready-made anesthetic on its way?

We can let the Olympics drift us into a methadone-like dream of bliss, only to wake up four weeks later and discover that three more countries in the Middle East have had their leaders amputated.

And I believe, Andy, that the fact that 2012 is an Olympic year is a detail that was left out of the Pope's New Year message.

He should have mentioned it at the end, at least, saying, With these thoughts, I offer my reflections and I appeal to everyone.

Let us pool our spiritual, moral, and material resources for the great goal of educating young people in justice and peace.

Plus, you know, Olympic year, so

you can bet that that's something that Jesus is looking forward to okay that's it from me your P unit

actually just one more thing message to the priests let's take it down a couple of notches with Charles Peeks in 2012 shall we a full couple of notches happy new year who's gonna kiss the pope

London

Andy, sorry you were saying what?

No, no, nothing.

You say?

Nothing, you were saying nothing.

London is hosting the Olympics, which means that you're hosting the Olympics, actually.

So, how is your hosting preparations going?

I know, I mean, are you going to rent out a room to an athlete?

I know you've been very keen to get Moses Kip to Nui to stay with you over the years and teach your kids a thing or two about running long distances very quickly.

Yeah, well, oh, Kip Tanui, I'm not sure he's going to make the team this year, but I mean, it'd be love to have anyone called either Moses or Kip Tanui stay in the house

in any combination.

Just 147 days to go now, John.

Uh, until uh, very exciting until my house is just absolutely jam-packed with triple jumpers

and fencers and volleyballists.

And the world's largest sports day begins in...

Where is it again?

Ah, dah.

That place where the German Air Force used to keep dropping exploding litter out of their airplane.

London, that's it.

And as the athletes hone their bodies and skills with just months ago, and the builders put the final touches to their architectural masterworks, the political grandstanding is gathering pace, John.

And in particular here, John, that this week the Britain's biggest union has threatened to strike during the London Olympics and has been roundly condemned by political leaders.

The Unite Union has suggested that it could prompt a mass walkout.

It has well over a million members, so that could cause logistical mayhem, John.

And I think really they should remember,

this is the Olympics, John.

This is Britain's greatest opportunity to showcase itself to the planet.

Hell, not just the planet, John, to the universe.

And we need the nation united

in its efforts.

And the politicians have all come out against uniting this.

We need the nation completely at one in its efforts, all pulling together to pretend to the rest of the world that everything here is just fing fine.

Exactly.

We have to.

And we only just need 17 days, John.

We need to hoodwink the world into thinking we all love each other and that everything in Britain is going swimmingly.

And by swimmingly, I mean it's going up and down in a confined space before ending up back where it started, exhausted and bedraggled, and all the while moving far less efficiently than it would if it just got out and ran along the side of the pool.

17 days, John, not to have to give a shit about the stuff these people are planning to strike about.

That is the whole point.

17

days to worry about whether Usain Bolt can still run very fast, not about whether the National Health Service is being turned into a notional health service.

17 days to get excited about

seeing how much of an advantage Knight of the Realm Sir Chris Hoy will get from his new Knight status, which of course enables him to knock his opponents off their bicycles with a medieval jousting pole.

Our house, our rules.

What about spiralling unemployment, falling living standards, being held to ransom by financial forces beyond the grasp of law or morality?

17 days, John, to concern ourselves with whether British horses will do neater shit than all the other horses in the dressage.

Not about whether the economy is imploding like a criminal gang bundling a load of stolen folklore demons into the back of a truck.

Imploding?

Is this on?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Because you were just on a roll there as well, Andy.

And then you basically just dove straight out of a speeding car.

Well, this self-proclaimed battle for the soul of Britain and our national way of life, John, that this strike is not, this strike that clearly isn't going to happen, is all about.

That surely waits until after the dressage is finished.

17 days.

How dare they threaten to keep the British public away from their beloved volleyball?

From the skeet shooting that they dream of on a nightly basis.

Yes.

And from the BMX riding that's been part of this nation's sport watching culture ever since the Romans rode into town in 55 BC.

I do think, Andy, cycle jousting is an Olympic sport that it's a tragedy that hasn't already been there, and surely we can get there in time.

Oh no, Chris, you went to the Olympic Velodrome for the ticket event.

Now, I mean,

you set one cyclist on one side of the track, the other on the other.

They've got all about 100 meters to get up to speed.

Yep.

Bang.

I can't think

of the spectator sport in the world.

It'd be even better than the Omnium.

I'll take your word for that.

Any Olympic city is bound to experience jitters as the big day arrives.

So much work's gone into it, so much money's been spent.

But no city in Olympic history has done a run-up before the big day yet.

There's never been a group of athletes turn up to a stadium on the first day to see it completely empty with a sign on the front saying, so sorry, we're just not ready for this.

It's not you, it's us.

As you say, there is concern about this threatening strike that's not going to happen, but could happen, but isn't, but could, and that's the frightening thing, even though it won't happen.

And Len McCluskey, the leader of Unite, the biggest union in England, said, if the Olympics provide us with an opportunity, then that's exactly one we should be looking at.

The attacks that are being launched on public sector workers at the moment are so deep and ideological that the idea that the world should arrive in London and have these wonderful Olympic Games as though everything is nice and rosy in the garden is unthinkable.

No, it isn't, McCluskey.

That is one of the main points of the Olympic Games.

The whole point of hosting the Olympics has always been about pretending that you're a far better country than you are.

Ask Hitler.

At no point before Berlin 1936 Games did he say, oh, do you know what?

I feel like we're papering over the cracks of what a bunch of arseholes we are.

Is anyone else worried about that?

Oh, you are too.

Oh, arrest that man and take his family to a camp.

You're either with me or against me.

Schweidhund.

McCluskey's been accused of opportunism by politicians.

Right.

Do I mean accused of or complimented admiringly for?

Anyway, opportunism is the charge.

Slightly ironic, coming from a government that is pushing through massive ideological changes to public life without a direct mandate from the public to do so, but there you go.

I get the impression, John, he's just trying to get a rise out of politicians by making these comments.

And if so, he has yeasted them up like a sesame seed bloomer because they have taken this bait.

There has been, like you say, huge criticism of this.

A spokesman for Prime Minister David Cameron called the idea unacceptable and unpatriotic and Labour has also been criticising it.

Now you see Andy this is why China put on such a good Olympic Games because if anyone said anything against the games of the run-up they just threw them in jail.

No questions asked.

Easy.

Problems solved.

And as for the problems of workers' conditions in China, no problem there at all because they couldn't give a shit about them.

Everything was easier.

Sure, we could get planning permission over the next few months to build a Velodrome in the area currently occupied by that huge housing estate estate or plan do you know what we could just bulldoze it to the ground and if anyone's got a problem with that we'll give them a one-way ticket to Chelsealvania let's let's go with B first

then let's do A if we need to which we won't

In fact, Conservative co-chairman Baroness Warcy also piled in, calling the comments an appalling display of naked self-interest.

And she's right, Andy, but in her defence, at least the self-interest is naked.

Because given a choice, I actually prefer self-interest stark bollock naked.

I prefer it with its balls hanging out to when self-interest is heavily clothed.

What about when it's kind of slightly slutterly dressed?

Do you think you know?

Would you prefer it?

Well, I don't know.

Yeah.

Actually,

that's probably even worse when it's just trying to tease you.

Say, do you wonder what's under here?

Oh, don't look.

Don't look.

Stop looking at me.

Now,

in an amazing development, the British government Olympics minister announced that the Olympics will come in under budget.

Hugh Robertson said that with 150 days to go, we're on track, on time and just under budget.

To which the British people said, hold on, are you f ⁇ ing serious?

How did that happen?

You might want to do those sums again.

Apparently, the entire £500 million Olympic contingency budget remains unspent.

And again, Andy, this is not what the Olympics is about.

We're not doing this right.

Look at Montreal.

It took that city 30 years to pay off their Olympic debts.

Literally three decades.

The Olympics was in 1976 and they finished paying it off in 2006.

That's the real Olympic spirit, Andy.

A majestic financial swan dive with a high degree of fiscal difficulty getting low marks from the accountants.

The 2004 Greek Olympics cost $11 billion,

double the original budget, which is strange because the Greeks are usually so good with money, Andy.

I just worry that we're not going into this Olympics in the right way, but there is still time to pull this around because what are we going to do with that £500 million contingency fund?

We can't leave it unspent, Andy.

That's not how you do.

One pretty spectacularly wasteful thing we could do is put it in a giant, gigantic dish, cover it in paraffin, and use it as our Olympic flame, Andy.

The only way we could create a lasting memory of an opening ceremony to rival Muhammad Ali lighting the Olympic flame with a torch or thousands of Chinese people lifting blocks rhythmically as if their lives depended on it, which they actually did, would be for us to create an Olympic opening ceremony moment of our own.

And what could be more spectacular than a British man taking the Olympic torch, turning to the crowd and saying, I can't believe we're going to do this before setting fire to 500 million pounds.

I declare the London Olympic Games a financial disaster, as is tradition.

But as you say, the whole point of the Olympics is to go way over budget.

It's always been this way.

Look back to ancient Olympia where it began, John.

The place is a mess and they still haven't finished the stadium.

And the 527 million contingency budget had been put in place to cover unexpected costs, such as, for example, added security required in case President Assad gets a bit overexcited and tries to invade the double gold medal winning British track heroine Kelly Homs.

Plus the cost of...

Oh,

my God.

Plus, the cost of installing individual viewing booths at the beach volleyball arena with two-way mirrors for men to watch the sport through.

And javelin sharpening in case of a dry summer.

But under budget, John.

Now this is great.

It's an amazing achievement to come in under budget until you realise that the budget it had

come in under was in fact itself four times over the original budget.

So

that's not

quite as impressive as it first sounded.

It's just coming in slightly less over budget than we'd been expecting it to do for the last five years.

So perhaps not.

That's still not ideal, but that's that's but I feel better about it now, Andy.

Perhaps not something to be issuing too many press releases home about.

Now, the Olympics are not without controversy because Indian government officials are discussing a boycott of the opening and the closing ceremonies in protests at the sponsorship of the stadium wrap by Dow Chemical.

You see, India has a bit of beef with Dow Chemical, although they don't really like the term beef.

Well, they love it.

They love the term beef.

They think it's a sacred term.

They just don't like it used that way.

The point is that Indians believe that Dow has ongoing liabilities after the 1984 Bhopal disaster a catastrophic chemical leak of toxic gas that killed two and a half thousand people immediately and has later had 25,000 deaths attributed to it so you can perhaps see why the Indian people might be a bit miffed at seeing Dow chemical all over the stadium that they're running around in now the Indian government has written a complaint to the IOC before but has already had one appeal refused and the problem is that the IOC has a hundred hundred million dollar sponsorship with the chemical giant Dow so you can see their point that India should just shut up and that it was ages ago because a hundred million dollars will really make you feel that way at twenty million dollars I'm sure that the IOC would say that the Bhopal disaster was an atrocity that should never ever be forgotten but the problem is that a hundred million dollars you just say sorry what atrocity I never heard of that I haven't I never I'm sure it wasn't that bad because I've never heard of it and I definitely have not heard of it.

The Dow took over ownership of Union Carbide who were in charge of the chemical plant at the time of this disaster and as you say their defences are basically

off the ground so we're immune.

But it is highly complex legally John and it's not helped by the fact that the Indian legal system has not exactly been

massively on top of things.

It's an unspeakable tragedy and in fact the Indian legal system has largely elected not to speak about it for most of the last 27 years, other than giving compensation totaling about the value of a baguette to the sufferers.

But it just goes to show, John, that the Olympic Ideal can withstand absolutely anything.

And by the Olympic Ideal, I mean big business using a priceless marketing opportunity to push its brands.

That will never be defeated, John.

It will never, ever be defeated.

It'll live on in our hearts and in our wallets, Andy, and not in our hearts.

Now, a Britain Sports Minister also defended the deal with Dow or Chemical this week, saying the time for a protest, if any protest needed to be had, was the moment that the IOC signed up Dow in the first place.

If any protest be needed, wow, that is definitely leaving nothing on the field in terms of your opinions.

And I believe that his general attitude towards India's upcoming follow-up appeal to the IOC is going to be, yeah, good luck with that.

Good luck with that.

And what part of $100 million do you not understand?

There are ongoing court cases relating to this, and you can understand Dow not wanting to necessarily give any more of its money because when it took over Union Carbide, the matter was supposed to have been settled by the frankly appalling settlements that have been made before.

And also, Dow's been struggling recently.

In its recent quarterly reports, revenue, which was expected to be $14.19 billion

for the quarter, was in fact only $14.09 billion.

So

you can see that they're

tightened their belts.

I didn't know that.

Now I feel terrible about how glib I've just been about the whole thing.

So these

whinging victims of one of the most appalling corporate crimes in human history should really just wait their turn until they have sorted their money up.

Like the least they could do with is the boost of seeing their name on an Olympic stadium to get through this terrible time.

Because when you make 13 billion a year, you're basically dead in a way.

Deadly.

You've been in too many films, John.

Germany update now or Deutsche Ofde, as they would scream at each other in their gentlest tone of voice.

It was a tough week for Angela Merkel last week, not just politically, and it was very tough politically, but also because she had five glasses of beer poured over her by a waiter.

The waiter was leaning over her, and the glasses emptied over her back.

And she was pretty calm under the circumstances, Andy, certainly showing the most restraint from a German leader to provocation in the history of that overly proud nation at times.

Certainly that waiter definitely picked the right sentry to have an accident like that in.

The waiter said, I was shoved from behind and tried to catch the beers, but I was too late.

I shouted shit really loudly.

No.

No, I don't want to go all JFK assassination conspiracy theorists on this, Andy, but if you look at the tape, that's clearly not true.

No one pushed him, and he did nothing to catch the beers.

In fact, I can't believe he was acting alone in this, Andy.

Some witnesses have testified that they heard some giggling behind a beery knoll.

The whole thing stinks, Andy.

It stinks of beer.

I reckon it was the Mexicans, John.

It was definitely the Mexicans.

There's no way he was operating alone.

But a couple of days later, he was holding a press conference and someone then just stormed up to him and threw some beers over him.

So too shame.

Merkel did handle the whole situation very well and the waiter later said, afterwards she turned around and grinned at me.

Oh shit.

That waiter is dead, Andy.

I mean, we've all subconsciously or otherwise wanted to pour five beers all over Angela Merkel, but

blame them for trying it.

The Germans, of course, have long enjoyed beer, but maybe the time after this harrowing incident,

they should reassess quite how committed they are to it.

I mean, there's plenty of other things historically that they've enjoyed that they've since grown up.

Oh, look, never mind.

It was ages ago.

But, I mean, it's possible also that this guy had just read on the internet that pouring beers on a German Chancellor can make it grow.

It's like pouring Guinness on a spider plant.

That's very effective.

Right, or it's like gremlins.

Now, maybe if you pour beer on her before midnight, you balance the budget.

I don't know what the system is.

I poured Guinness on a spider plant once by accident, and it lost all the colour in its leaves and started growing twice as fast.

Where's my Nobel Prize?

Where's my Nobel Prize?

Silvio Bernasconi thinks that if you throw five pines down him, she stops being an unfable larder.

Unquote.

In other German news, or Deutsche Nachtricht, as Germans would whisper softly to each other.

The German German finance minister Wolfgang Scheubler was criticised on Wednesday for playing Sudoku during a crucial parliamentary debate on Greece.

The German public broadcaster first aired pictures on Monday of a smiling man appearing to play Sudoku on his slightly concealed computer while a member of the centre-right coalition spoke in favor of the second Greek rescue package.

Now, let's put this in context, Andy.

Last week, we were talking about a politician who watched pornography in parliament, so let's not get carried away here.

A numbers puzzle in comparison seems like a pretty nerdy rebellion.

Now, f ⁇ the system!

I'm going to do a number puzzle.

Don't give a shit.

Right, ladies?

Also, again, it shows how far we've come with Germany.

If this is the worst that we can accuse their politicians of doing, we have to accept that it's progress.

Andy, it was ages ages ago.

It was ages ago.

It was ages ago.

Absolutely ages ago.

But is that not, you know,

not the ideal preparation for a debate about Greece?

Is that not what economics essentially is, a high-stakes game of Sudoku?

No, it's not, because

Sudoku works due to logic, rules that have to be obeyed, and numbers that actually exist.

Hack attack update now.

And well, sad, sad news about our old employer Andy News International which has been a paragon of virtue and journalistic ethics up until the actions of just a few thousand bad apples spoiled it all for the two or three good apples that work there.

The phone hacking scandal has claimed another victim as James Murdoch has stepped down as executive chairman of News International,

the UK newspaper business that owns The Sun and The Times.

James Murdoch, who coincidentally is actually related by blood to Rupert Murdoch.

In fact, I believe he's actually his son, although that's got absolutely nothing to do with him getting any of the jobs he's had in News International, said, I deeply appreciate the dedication of my many talented colleagues at News International who work tirelessly to inform the public.

Ooh, I'm sorry, inform the public?

Does James Murdoch know what the word inform means, Andy?

Someone should tell him quickly, because I'm pretty sure he'll want to quickly issue a retraction.

Demoralize the public?

Certainly.

Poison the public?

Metaphorically.

Mislead the public?

Occasionally.

Make the world a slightly worse place for the public?

Always, Andy.

Always.

That's the news international guarantee.

Do you know what?

It's not as much fun doing this now that we're about to slot.

It's not the same.

It was more fun saying this before we were fired.

There's not the same thrill anymore.

In fact, I feel like I'm chasing the kind of adrenaline rice that we got.

And I could only do that if I start insulting SoundCloud.

You know, they haven't illegally tapped anyone's phones yet.

Yet.

Yet, Andy.

What are you up to, SoundCloud?

Playing the long game.

I'm watching you, SoundCloud, and thank you for your support.

But I warn you, SoundCloud, News International supported us for years, and now they're in court.

I fully expect you to lawyer up by 2015, SoundCloud.

I'm watching you, SoundCloud.

Is this on?

Maybe it was James Murdoch's own personal protest at news international ditching the bugle he just um i guess we'll have to let history be the judge of that you know too close to it really

and uh in other uh news it turns out that um rebecca brooks the former news of the world editor um was lent a horse

by the metropolitan police

and that is not a euphemism either or nor is a horse an archaic term for a sum of money that's pony maybe that was it

Maybe that was

they were giving ponies one way, horses came back the other.

Brooks has claimed that subsequent investigations revealed it was not in fact a horse, but two News of the World hacks in a pantomime horse outfits.

Brooks explained we'd had Dobbin working undercover inside the map for five years before he was pensioned off for swearing in the vicinity of the Queen while supposedly policing the trooping of the colour.

And a police spokesman confirmed that police horses are generally released after they start audibly cussing.

A spokesman said, you can tell they're getting past it when they start stropperly sign, giving it the whole

business.

When they start saying shit or it's just time to let them go.

The horse.

The horse had reached the end of its working life, John.

Retired police horse leading tabloid newspaper editor.

That is a buddy movie waiting to be made.

God, it is.

I'm going to start writing that now, Andy.

Yep, it's like the film Mrs.

Brown, but more so, I reckon.

The Met Police Force said that there's absolutely nothing unusual in it deciding to loan a horse to Rebecca Brooks.

No, of course not, Andy.

Of course not.

There's nothing unusual about you loaning someone a horse.

Especially someone that you, as you yourself say, you have no real relationship with them.

That's not unusual at all, Andy.

Loaning a horse to someone.

There's nothing unusual about that.

Listen to the way that sounds.

I loaned that person a horse.

Do you know them?

Not particularly well.

But they wanted a horse, so I loaned them one.

Can I borrow a horse, please?

Sure.

No problem.

No questions asked.

Oh, thank you.

It turns out also that Rebecca Brooks' own phone was hacked twice a week by her colleagues at the News of the World.

Holy shit.

Which is amazing, isn't it?

I guess it's a test of leadership.

They always say in

sports,

you should be prepared to do what you demand others do if you're a captain of a team.

And I guess as an editor of a newspaper, you should be prepared to have done to you what you demand is done to other people.

And by demand, of course, I mean know absolutely nothing about.

Rupert Murdoch last weekend launched the new Sun on Sunday,

a newspaper filling the hole that had been left by the defunct News of the World in terms of something pretty shit to read on a Sunday if you've got nothing else to do.

And

yes, he said that he did praise the Sun for always

uncovering stories to inform and protect the public.

He sent an email to Sun's staff saying this.

Inform and protect the public.

I think he seems to be mixing up stories with breasts.

And I don't know what he's protecting the public from, John.

I imagine he's protecting them from not seeing enough breasts.

And he's a hero in that regard.

He also said in the email, we will obey the law.

Illegal activities simply cannot and will not be tolerated at any of our publications.

Our board of directors, our management team, and I take these issues very seriously.

and unfortunately at the end of that he omitted the word now

your emails now and this comes from alan greening in abu dhabi in the united arab emirates on the subject abu dhabi bugle astrash uae law news dear ahmed jamalan fatima as you would be called out here in the ridiculously building city of abu dhabi As I was listening to the latest batch of bugle podcasts driving down the Sheikh Zayed Road back to Abu Dhabi after a busy morning getting hopelessly fing lost around the ever-changing streets of Dubai, I thought you might be interested in a few of the lesser-known laws that aren't in the travel brochures for the UAE.

Flipping someone the bird is illegal.

What?

Yeah.

Wow.

Danny,

did you know that before you spent a little bit of time there?

Well, I don't know, but it appears that Dubai has just been flipping mathematics the birds for about the last 15 years.

Yeah.

In fact, the Burj Khalifa is pretty much just one long extended middle finger to the concept of sense.

If a policeman sees you flipping someone off or a UAE national reports you doing so, you could face two weeks in jail and a 1,000 dirham, that's around a $270 fine.

Swearing in public is illegal.

Telling someone to fk off or calling them a fking idiot results in a similar punishment to bird flipping.

It is technically illegal for a man and a woman who are not related or married to each other to be in the same room or car together unsupervised.

An exception is made for lifts.

If you find that someone has hit your car overnight and driven off, it's your fault.

Police will fine you 350 dirhams.

In the last six months, I've accrued fines of 1,050 dirhams for the crime of having someone hitting my car and driving off.

Well,

well.

It is not possible to get

damaged cars fixed without a police report, but I will wait until Ramanhan to pay the fines as you get 50% off during the holy month.

There we go.

That's a lovely gesture, isn't it?

So So,

there is a solid logical system in place.

Anyway, must press on the fines and bugle donations need paying for.

I would say keep up the good work, but that seems inappropriate.

Regards Alan Green.

P.S.

P.S.

A superb passive-aggressive insult at the end there.

P.S., if you think a £50 donation is worth it, could you please tell Irish bugler Darrell Lawler a useless finger?

Happy to for £50.

Yikes.

Well, Andy, you've got a price.

I think we all know it was a lot less than that.

He did not haggle that deal down well.

There's a great email from Peter Betts who said, Dear Andy, Chris, and John, in order of who's most likely to be deported for inciting rebellion against the Channel Islands' long-standing relationship towards the Queen.

My wife is currently five months pregnant, and I've been reading some of her pregnancy books.

The following advice is given: The baby is perceptive to all manner of sounds.

It can hear your voice, and experts believe that listening to classical music will stimulate the baby and will even remember this music once it's been born.

Best done whilst falling asleep at night.

Then it dawned on me that the only thing that gets me to sleep is a heavy dose of bullshit, so I listen to the bugle.

I'm now seriously concerned that my unborn child is soaking up bullshit on a daily basis.

I have visions of her first words being, f you, Chris.

Her first drawing could even be a hottie from history.

Whatever happens, the bugle can now say it's genuinely brought bullshit into this world.

Many thanks, Peter Betts.

That would be phenomenal if a child was born into the world, looked up and said, f you, Chris, with a smile on its face of, I've arrived.

Well, I mean, I think I sent you a photo of Matilda when she's been born.

Yes.

About 10 days off.

Flipping you the bird.

Flipping you.

One of my favourite ever pictures.

The first photo I ever had of Andy's child.

Andy's first child.

Little hands arranged into a bird flipping.

Looking up at the camera, thinking, you've set a tone, Daddy.

You've set a tone.

Do keep your emails coming in to info at thebuglepodcast.com.

Do follow the Twitter feed at hellobuglers, where as I say, we'll put up more details of my New York gigs, and I think we might put them on the website as well.

How about that, Chris?

What do you reckon to that?

You tell me, they'll go there.

All right, right, big horse.

And don't forget our wonderful friends at SoundCloud currently masterminding a large-scale phone hacking operation.

If it's not true now, it'll be true soon.

And just time for a quick bit of sports, and it's the horse racing tips.

Point it forward and tell it to run as fast as possible.

So that's it for this week's bugle.

Thanks very much for listening.

We'll be back with one of the very rare

bugles when we're in the same room as each other.

Let's see how that goes.

As Chris pointed out, the last time we did that was in Edinburgh when we were both on the, I think, on the fatigue side of entertaining.

Yes.

So hopefully we're better than that.

You were both a fking disgrace.

Let's make better next week.

That's a different way of painting that.

We're going to get an NBA referee in the room with you.

Yeah, that'll be good.

Yeah.

Bye!

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.