Bugle 184 – Wangderlust

This is a podcast from thebuglepodcast.com.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 184 of the Bugle, audio newspaper for this most unremittingly visual of worlds with me, Andy Zoltzman, live in...

Hang on, I'll just go and check.

Excuse me, mate, what city is this?

F ⁇ off!

Thanks.

In London.

And joining me, it's the man who puts the ha into Manhattan, the ooh into New York, and the Ka into America.

It's the Harbinger of Everlasting Doom himself, John Oliver.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

Andy, I was doing stand-up in Charlotte, North Carolina last last weekend.

And rather than stay in a hotel, I stayed with my 94-year-old great-grandmother-in-law in her retirement community.

Now, I thought it might be a nice change of speed on the road and, you know, a good way to spend a bit of extra time with her.

What I hadn't thought about at all, Andy, was how difficult it was going to be to get back into the old people's home at one in the morning after my late show.

Not many people want to go into a retirement community at one in the morning, Andy.

But I definitely did think about that problem when I got to the security gate at that time and no one was there I thought about it a lot then because I realized I had to climb over the fence with a bag over my shoulder knowing that security was probably doing the rounds and might understandably run with a shoot first ask questions later strategy if they saw me I basically had to break into an old people's home at one in the morning Andy and as I was balanced with a leg either side of the security fence about to drop onto the other side It's one of those moments where you like to stop for a second and ask yourself the question, what am I doing with my life?

What is wrong with me?

Why have I put myself in a position where I have to break into an old people's home?

This is not the behavior of an adult human being and also this is no way to die.

Basic cable comedian shot dead last night after attempting to gain entrance to a 94-year-old woman's apartment at one in the morning.

That's an exit from the world that negates anything you've done in your lifetime running up to that point, Andy.

You'd be the new fatty arbuckle, but more so.

Well, of course, the way way to do that, John, if you ever find yourself in that situation again, is just make sure you have a Grim Reaper costume with you, because then they'll just wave you in.

Oh, you're late.

Room 23 today, please.

This is Bugle 184, 184, of course, the average number of corgi dogs interrogated by MI6 before they finally find one with strong enough royalist tendencies to be the Queen's new dog.

The rest either become stunt dogs for the innumerable Hollywood films about the royal family, or are used as baits in the Royal New Year crocodile hunt at Sandringham, or are sold to Napoleonic War enthusiast Miley Cyrus to play the part of the Prussian army in her phenomenally bloodthirsty canine recreation of the Battle of Waterloo.

And this is for the week beginning Monday the 27th of February 2012, meaning that for the first time in four years this week, John, there's going to be a February the 29th.

And do you know that people born on the 29th of February in Britain are not legally allowed to have sex until they're 64?

And Jar Rule is one of the celebrities who was born on the 29th of February in 1976, in fact, as I'm sure you know from the tattoo on your own back,

making him nine years old on Wednesday.

So, happy birthday, Jar.

Why aren't you at school?

And this week's section in the bin, part two of our Safety in the Kitchen Do's and Don'ts audio guide.

This week, another kitchen don't.

Oh, let's see if the roast is ready.

Oh, balls, I forgot to switch the oven on.

Come on, kids.

Lunchtime.

That was another kitchen don't.

Andy, you're becoming a comedic Phil Spector.

Just a wall of sonic bullshit in terms of sound effects.

Yes.

Well, let's hope that ends up better than the Phil Spector story.

It will to be truly accurate.

I'm Phil Spector here, and Andy is the Ronnettes.

Oh, boy.

So that doesn't work out well either for you.

Top story this week, dudes news.

And last week, Andy, was a lady special, which will have been impossible for any male buglers to enjoy, as lady news to men is completely confusing.

We have no way to relate to everyday female experiences.

So in the interest of balance, we're going to start this week with a number of stories for the 49% of the population who somehow managed to inexplicably earn on average 20% more than their lady counterparts for doing the same jobs.

Having said that, all buglers, regardless of gender, have free tickets to the Sausage Fest.

I declare this wang tank open!

Men's health news and men are not going extinct.

Yes!

Awesome!

We did it, Andy!

Awesome news!

We did it.

We looked into the abyss and we survived because it turned out it wasn't actually an abyss after all.

It was just a very realistic painting of an abyss with an ice cream store behind it.

There had previously been some research from Professor Jennifer Graves of Australian National University.

A woman, let's make that very clear.

A lady scientist that the Y-sex chromosome, which only men carry, was decaying genetically so fast that it would be extinct in just five million years.

Which really made you think at the time, what's the point in going on?

I don't know.

We should either just give up or get breast implants, put on a Victorian ladies' bonnet and live out the rest of our lives as our female alter ego, Betsy LaRue.

Now, Professor Jennifer Graves was actually not alone in this theory because genetics professor called Brian Sykes in his book Adam's Curse, A Future Without Men, also predicted the end of the Y chromosome, but thought it might take as little as 100,000 years.

Well, f you, Jennifer, and you should be ashamed of yourself, Brian, because men aren't going anywhere.

And you are a disgrace to your own balls, Brian Sykes.

You are not worthy of the wang, because you should have known deep down in your plums that genetics are not going to destroy mankind.

It will be some ludicrous mistake of our own doing.

Personally, I'm a bit disappointed that it's turned out that we're not going extinct because I can only really work to deadlines.

And knowing that our once great gender only had another five million years, what a really focused mind on what we really want to achieve as a gender, John.

And I just feel now we're just going to drift, just carry on drifting.

I mean, what have we really done since Caligula?

That's a fair question.

Now, the good news is that new studies show that genetic decay in recent history has been minimal, with the human chromosome having lost no further genes in the last six million years and only one gene in the last 25 million years.

And to quote a professor, Mark Pagel from Reading University, there's a future for males in the very long term, going on to say that the new reports are a very nice piece of work, showing that gene loss in the male-specific region of the Y chromosome proceeds rapidly at first, exponentially in fact, but then reaches a point at which purifying selection brings this process to a halt.

He then grabbed his bulls Andy and said, I've got your research findings right here, buddy.

Oh!

So nice try, ladies.

Thinking that all you were gonna have to do was run out the clock and wait for just five million years for us to evolve into women as well.

Well, too bad, because in five million years, I'm going to be standing on a mountaintop in triumph, oiled up and flexing my pecs.

Again.

Again.

You've got to start doing different photo shoots, John.

You just can't do the same shot every year for five million years.

Andy, if it is broke, refuse to fix it.

That's my motto.

Penis news now.

And off the back of the.

There's no easy way of saying that, is there?

In the words of Wolf Blitzer.

Off the back of the ridiculous contraception discussions still taking place in America, some members of the Georgia House of Representatives have come up with an interesting way of combating them, introducing their own reproductive rights plan, no more vasectomies, that leave, I quote, thousands of children deprived of birth.

Representative Yasmin Neal's bill, HB 1116, would prevent men from getting vasectomies unless needed to avert serious injury or death.

Well played, ladies.

It seems like you have learned the ways of the douche from watching us at work.

The student has become the master.

That's, I mean, what's, I mean, I don't know how many scenarios that would apply in, you know, if you

when you need a vasectomy to avert serious injury.

I mean, it's quite quite a narrow field, isn't it?

Well, they're just wanting to make sure that that's covered, though.

But that's just good bill writing.

It's really great to see politicians such as Yasmin Neal responding to idiotic politics with joke politics.

That is what America clearly needs.

Lowering the bar further and further.

And in fact, the bill, the joke bill, is beautifully written.

It says, it is patently unfair that men avoid the rewards of unwanted fatherhood by presuming that their judgment over such matters is more valid than the judgment of the General Assembly.

It is the purpose of the General Assembly to assert an invasive state interest in the reproductive habits of men in this state and substitute the will of the government over the will of adult men.

Holy shit, Dandy, that is some black belt-level legislative douchebaggery.

But they should have taken it one step further and forced all the old men who've already had vasectomies done to have them painfully reversed instead.

And then compulsorily inseminate women.

Yes, that's exactly.

I think that might turn a decisive number of votes towards a more realistic attitude towards a woman's right to choose.

I think Yasmin Neal is possibly in line for a Bugle Big Brass Ovaries Award.

At some point, John, I think the pro-life lobby in America is going to have to address the issue.

Should sperms have the vote?

And if so, should it be one sperm one vote or one ejaculus bladge one vote?

That's the

very difficult one for the...

I don't know if that covered in the U.S.

Constitution or not?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, they were way ahead of their time, but not quite that far.

Because I guess time is going to come, John, when scientists can analyse every sperm in the world and every egg in the world and work out how they would vote if they fertilised each other.

And they have done some preliminary research on this.

It turns out that sperms are actually very left-wing, but eggs are quite right-wing, which is why Republicans are so scared of gay marriage, but absolutely love lesbians, I think.

I'm not a scientist.

But the fact that sperms are left-wing, John, they're almost Stalinist, in fact, in that only one of them gets to achieve anything, and millions of them die for nothing.

Take that, Stalin.

Yeah, take that.

Take that.

Yasmin Neal said, if we legislate women's bodies, it's only fair that we legislate men's.

She said she wanted to write a bill that would generate emotion and conversation the way that anti-abortion bills do.

Going on to say, there are too many problems in this state.

Why are you under the skirts of women?

I'm sure there are other places to be.

Oh, Yasmin, that is where your otherwise flawless argument falls apart.

For there is no other place to be than under women's skirts.

One can build a fort under there, take a picnic, and read a book.

There's no place a man feels safer or more at home than hiding underneath a woman's skirt.

I believe that Winston Churchill delivered most of his key World War II addresses from underneath some specially selected lady skirts.

He said it helped him concentrate and make the acoustics much better.

We will fight them on the beaches.

We will fight them in the air.

Keep still, Brenda.

Stop shuffling around.

I'm trying to read.

We will never surrender.

Brenda, you could have given me a courtesy heads up there.

Qualified satirists.

Qualified.

Qualified.

Qualified.

Georgia's not the only state fighting back.

Against men's reactionary involvement in women's health issues because earlier this month in Oklahoma, Senator Constance Johnson proposed a provision to an anti-abortion bill that read: Any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman's vagina shall be interpreted and constructed as an action against an unborn child.

She basically attempted to ban masturbation, Andy.

The only problem would have been if they'd called her bluff.

This had actually passed this bill, and America essentially criminalized being a 13-year-old boy.

13-year-old Billy, you're accused of ejaculating or depositing semen somewhere other than a woman's vagina.

How do you plead?

Oh, God, Billy, what are you doing?

Not here.

Officer, take him to jail.

I'm going to take that as a physical guilty plea.

I'm sorry, Your Honor.

It's just you said vagina.

It's gone quite blue this week, isn't it?

Well, it's about to go one step bluer because finally, in Virginia, in January, the state senate there debated a bill that required women to have an ultrasound before an abortion.

So, Democrat Janet Howell attached an amendment to the bill that required men to have rectal exams and cardiac stress tests before they could receive Viagra.

Again, Andy, that is legislative kung fu.

But forced rectal exams, okay, that's enough, ladies.

You have made your point.

But I've lived my life under the very strict rule that a conversation that features the phrase forced rectal exams is a conversation that has got way out of control.

That was not a good name to choose for your first band, was it, John?

In other Wang News Now, and a British man has been fined £150 for wandering around with his plums and plonker out.

Nigel Keir, a 41-year-old naked hiker, was caught

well, not caught he was seen in float well not in float he was he was just walking naked through the countryside and he was given a 150 pound fine for quote causing alarm or distress by just wandering around with his frumper and the murgatroids swabbling about all over the place

and it doesn't make me think John he quoted the policeman who

caught him was quoted as saying he was wearing nothing and this isn't at the on the Daily Mail's website and possibly in their newspaper newspaper as well.

I don't know.

I don't buy the newspaper.

He was wearing nothing but a pair of walking boots and a backpack.

And I could clearly see his P asterisk asterisk asterisk S and

genitals.

Wow.

What an overabundance of genitals that man had.

I don't know.

Was that piles?

I don't know.

I could see it might be a problem with that.

Pearls.

Pearls.

Maybe.

Oh, right.

Okay.

But anyway,

that kind of shows the extent of the prudery involved.

But also, it makes you think, John, I mean, this seems a bit unfair for just walking around as God intended, you know, as we all enter the world,

knack us out.

You know, can, in fact, the Almighty Lord actually be sued for making a gentleman's dangler so heinously offensive to the legal system?

Well, that's see, that's a good question, because in court, the man was fined £150

and ordered to pay another £150 in costs after he was found guilty of causing alarm or distress.

And what I love about this story is it's amazing to be able to put an exact monetary amount on the distress that someone seeing your penis can cause.

And I think they may have actually set a dangerous precedent.

There's a...

an idiotic primal male instinct to compare penises and infer all kinds of different things from the results and this may be a new one the financial cost of distress in someone being exposed to your penis i think people may now be flying from all over the world to hike naked get arrested and have a british magistrate rule on how much alarm their penis caused.

I order you to pay a fine of £170.

Yes!

I knew it!

I knew I had a distressing penis!

And you, I order you to pay a fine of £30.

What?

Why?

Oh God, what's wrong with me?

Oh no, this is a nightmare.

It was very cold outside that day, Your Honor.

I demand a retrial.

Well, it's a serious design flaw, John, aesthetically and practically, both the flutchards and the trangle horn.

And personally, I think it's

time that God was brought to book on this.

He really let himself down in a number of ways.

In November, Switzerland's highest court ruled that a ban on naked hiking in a district of Switzerland was legal.

So it turns out that Switzerland thinks that going for a wander through the mountains with your stranglers out is worse than Nazi Germany.

They weren't too sure about Hitler, but to give him credit, at least he kept his underpants on.

That is true.

So, Bugles, we have an historic moment now, if we can just interrupt Bugle 184.

Celebrity guest on the bugle just coming to the studio here in London.

Don't get bigger or narrower.

I would not either say I'm narrow or celebrity, but hello.

Yes.

I'm back.

It's Tom.

Tom!

The former producer and traitor to his country.

Yes.

Traitor to his hemisphere.

Andy, can I just stop you there?

The main reason why I moved away was to see my country in its true form.

John knows that.

You move thousands of miles away and suddenly you're an expert on everything.

What'd you do?

You look back down on Earth for the first time.

It's like you're buzz aldering.

Well, actually, it's like being a time traveler.

It's like coming back to the 19th century.

But anyway.

Yeah.

Hello.

Of course, New Buglers,

Margaret Chose.

Tom was

our old producer.

Tom, he's the franchise holder of the f ⁇ you, Chris tag.

No, no, no, no.

John, sorry.

Let me me stop you there.

When I was in charge of the bugle, we were paid by a large media organisation, and Rupert Murdoch was the most trusted individual in the media.

I come back, Chris, and look what happened.

That's true.

That is true.

Most trusted man in the news, that's a bit of a stretch.

Yeah, that is maybe a bit of a stretch.

You might tweak a hamstring on that one, Solomon.

You wouldn't even put a Chinese child gymnast through that, guys.

Let me point out.

I live in Australia, a place where Rupert Murdoch controls even more than the UK.

So that's all.

They're both of the queen over there, don't they?

Yeah, pretty much.

Yes.

Well, he's now American, so they don't actually like him that much.

Are you implying that we had something to do with this?

Or

we're now not there anymore.

I'll say something.

I did get lost around here trying to find a dingy dungeon-like studio.

I looked at this place and I thought, it's a furniture store.

This is the wrong address.

Andy's given me the wrong f ⁇ ing address.

Now, what I did was, it's clean, it's modern, and it had nice chairs in the window.

How was I to know we're recording the bugle in this?

That's right.

We've moved up in the world.

Really have.

I don't know.

We've forcibly moved out from where we were before.

A story appeared in the New York Times, and I was amazed.

I was like, good on Chris.

So now I'm not saying a few Chris.

Yeah.

Well, you get a rapprochement.

Wow.

But I need to say it to someone.

So f you, John.

F you.

Oh,

that felt good.

It's like

a sonic trip home.

Oh, yes.

I just need to give you some abuse about Liverpool, and I'm pretty glad I didn't bring my family to this.

Anyway.

He comes back, he swears three times, there's there's three additional bleeps

I may have had a few beers before got in so really yes

that's a riskier Scotsman and beer thus

well as we're about to find out that doesn't always end well

well if we can resume our bugle men's men's feature now naughty male politicians and where else to begin but with the former IMF head Dominique Strauss Kahn who has found himself in various portions of trouble over recent months.

He's a French rogue, Andy, or a French rapist, depending on your view of his previous court case.

Of which

the court itself seems to come down on the rogue side.

For the sake of the programme, we're going to say overwhelmingly rogue.

Anyway, Strauss Kahner's latest brush with the law has been detained for questioning by French police investigating a prostitution ring.

And he insisted he did not know that the women involved were prostitutes.

and his lawyer came up with arguably the greatest sentence of the millennium so far.

He said, I challenge you to distinguish a naked prostitute from any other naked woman.

How is Strauss-Kahn to know, John?

Where was the barcode?

Do you expect?

The point is, Andy, Dominique Strauss-Kahn really does seem to be a class actor.

No wonder he was head of the IMF and a frontrunner to be the next president of France and the class, class in a champagne glass.

Now,

I do think though, like you say, this is a great,

it's a phenomenal defense that Dominique Strauss-Kahn could not be expected to tell a naked prostitute from another woman.

But it's a challenge that I think is worth accepting because here would be the first telling difference for Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

When he's confronted with a naked woman and is wondering whether she's a prostitute or not, do they have a receipt for you in their hands, DSK?

Is their nakedness brought on by part of a broader agreed-upon transaction?

Do you know the name of the naked woman in front of you?

And if she's told you that her name is Tinkerbell or Flash Dance, the answer to that previous question is no.

Does she have heroin needle track lines up her arm?

A combination of any one of these things may be a good clue.

But I guess the biggest reason I doubt Dominique Strauss Kahn's defense of not knowing is this question.

Is a naked woman standing in front of you, DSK?

Then she's definitely a prostitute.

What woman would voluntarily do that for no financial reward?

No woman alive, that's who.

No woman alive would disrobe in front of that bloated French weasel unless there was some serious cash at the end of that dehumanizing rainbow.

He has found himself in various bits of trouble of late due to him suffering a debilitating medical conditioning condition that sexo clinicians describe as PECS, penile explorative curiosity syndrome.

And Straskond just cannot seem to stop dousling his drongle rods whenever, wherever, and with whomever possible.

And his political career has now been seriously undermined by his uncontrollable wanga lust.

And

but he said he admitted taking part in these orgies and said he had a quote uninhibited sex life, but that he'd never paid a son team for it, and that he has a horror of prostitutes and pimping.

Not quite enough of a horror to check whether or not prostitutes and pimps were involved, but a horror nonetheless.

Let's cut him some slack, John.

He spent the night in the cells in a police station in Lille in northern France, furnished only with a thin mattress and, quotes, a hole in the floor toilet, which has to go down as something of a risk.

I mean, statistically, probably look.

I mean, it just, it just, it doesn't matter.

He's a serious politician, and he should be judged on his achievements as such.

Not on the fact that he takes his overactive blonker as a guest of honor to sex parties the world over.

Anyway, the most disappointing thing, John.

What am I supposed to tell my kids?

There have always been three things I've taught them to look up to in the world.

One, the IMF.

Two, the Italian government.

And three, Rick Santorum's every word.

Are there no heroes anymore?

Meat question mark news now.

And Dutch scientists have used stem cells to create strips of muscle tissue with the aim of producing the first ever lab-grown hamburger.

Well, it definitely sounds delicious, Andy.

Will there be some lab-grown ketchup to spread all over it?

At a major science meeting in Canada, Professor Mark Post said synthetic meat could reduce the environmental footprint of meat by up to 60%.

It's true, Andy.

And it could also reduce the deliciousness of meat by around 100% as well.

John, I mean, if this is removing the need to slaughter animals for meat, would the food taste as good without that feeling of evolutionary superiority you get?

I don't know when I'm tucking into a friend third, so what I think to myself is, yes, Mr.

Piggy, I imagine you are now slightly regretting not having developed the mechanisms for industrialised slaughter.

One nil humans.

The Dutch lab has grown small pieces of muscle about two centimeters long one centimeter wide and about a millimeter thick they're off-white and resemble strips of calamari these strips will be mixed with blood and artificially grown fat to produce a hamburger by the autumn

mm mmm andy is that the news is that the noise of my stomach rumbling or am i about to throw up at the thought of that sentence either way i'll take a lab burger to go please with some science cheese and i'll take it medium rare and what's the free toy that comes with it Is it a spin-off toy from the movie, The Help?

Now, apparently, the cost of producing the hamburger will be £200,000.

Well, now I want one, Annie.

Because now I feel like John Travolta in pulp fiction.

I just have to know what a £200,000 hamburger tastes like.

I'm guessing that the chef's main description would be scientifically edible or fit for human consumption.

But any billionaire thinking of buying one to have the experience might like to pair it with a long, cold glass of what the f is wrong with you you have too much money you f ⁇ ing idiots

and there's actually also a side debate now around whether or not vegetarians could eat a lab burger according to the vegetarian society a vegetarian cannot eat any meat poultry game fish shellfish or crustacea or the byproducts of slaughter But it doesn't say anything in there about some weird f ⁇ ed up science meat made with artificial muscle and blood Andy.

So I think they're good to go.

Bonapa tea, vegetarians, welcome to the meat factory.

Just get one of the umpa lumpas to wonka you up a burger.

Bugle feature section now, and it's Lent.

Pancake Day has been and gone, John, as I'm sure you know, being a religious pancake eater yourself.

And we are now in the countdown to the prominent Christian festival, Easter.

Lent is called Lent because St.

Peter had lent Jesus a hundred bucks, or shekels as they were known then.

And Jesus had promptly FRO'd to the wilderness.

That was a celebrity retreat in the Holy Land here, similar to the modern day, the Priory.

When Jesus returned, it turned out he'd blown most of the money on a flash new five-speed donkey, which he then cruised into Jerusalem on, looking cool.

Peter was a bit miffed and did his best not to let it affect his behaviour, which he mostly managed to rise above it, mostly, but not totally.

And as we know, the famously ripped Jesus was soon to inadvertently coin the term pin-up boy, and the rest is hotly disputed history.

Anyway, as the result of Peter having to give up golf, having lent Jesus the money that he put aside for his green fees and hiring a golf donkey to whiz him round on the course, people now give up stuff for lent as a mark of respect.

And amongst the celebrity self-sacrifices this year are actress Alyssa Milano.

She's given up feigning knee injuries when losing at Scrabble, admitting, I have to learn to embrace defeats as a learning experience.

UK political groover George Osborne has given up belching the national anthem before cabinet meetings, said a tearful Osborne yesterday, I think it sets a nice patriotic tone, but David thinks it undercuts his own underarm squelchy version.

Madonna, the Pentagenarian pop prancress, has given up her egg trick.

Don't ask.

Okay, do ask.

She can roll the whole way across her kitchen using two duck eggs as wheels without them breaking.

And Canadian ice skating champion Amelie Lacoste has given up pagan sacrifices.

The skatestress, who placed 16th in last year's World Championship, said in a tearful statement on Pancake Day, the sacrifices just aren't working, no matter how splendid and purebred a bull I kill, no matter how loudly I scream invocations to the judges whilst doing so, it hasn't had any discernible effect on my performance.

I think the judges, if anything, marked me down for leaving a pool of bull's blood on the ice and scaring the audience, even if I smile really nicely at them whilst the animal breathed its last and then skate past them with my bottom in the air.

I only finished seventh at the recent Four Continents Championships and I took down a rare breed shorthorn and they don't come cheap.

Look, maybe Zeus isn't big on ice skating, so March is World Championships.

I'm just going to smear my face in snake blood and take my chances.

Personally, John, I've given up puns for Lent.

I'm not going to deny it.

He's terribly difficult.

No.

Hey!

Oh, no.

As a visitor to this country, can I please stop you there, Andy?

Don't get cross.

Hey, don't get cross.

Look.

I'm only doing it to wind you up.

Can you get that gun out of your head?

You just shoot me now.

Well, I'm just doing it to wind you up.

It sounds like I've got to rise again.

All done.

Just a short one this week.

Oh,

God.

That's my head on the desk.

Stop it.

I was so busy freaking out that I actually didn't hear it.

Oh, congratulations, Chris.

You've evolved an excellent skill there.

You've got to that Zen level of you've blocked out their long-windedness.

This is just a job now.

That was nice.

That was nice and short, those ones.

Bang, bang, bang.

Generally, the whole

thing.

I nailed it.

Too soon.

Your emails now, and well, there's a great email here, Andy, under the

email subject line.

This is your wife, Andy.

Oh.

And it starts, dear Andy, Chris, and John, in order of which I'm most married to.

Listen, Andy.

I have something terrible to tell you.

No one actually listens to the bugle.

All the emails have been me.

Really?

I've been sending emails through fake personas I've created to raise your self-esteem.

When you first started the bugle it was innocent enough.

An email here or there from a fan, pretty easy to do, and you were ever so much happier for it.

But somehow it all got out of control.

Your expectations began to rise and soon I was working my fingers to the bone creating fake email accounts, Twitter accounts, browsing Amazon for bedonka donks.

It was all too much.

I even forced our children into the racket and now with the donation system, sweetie poo, we just can't afford it.

So anyway, I figured this was the best way to let you and your cohorts know that all of your work was for nothing and that no one likes you.

Yours in Christ, Lady Wifington.

P.S.

This was very hard for me to write, so if you ask me about it at home, I'll feign innocence.

It's for the best.

Comes, what a bomb.

That is some email.

I didn't even know she could speak English.

Who saw?

I had my suspicions when we started because some of the email accounts were suspiciously Andy-like when we first started and no one knew what we were doing.

I got these emails from Jigme Wanchuck.

This is clearly from Andy.

So I asked him about it and he looked at me like totally blankly going, clearly the wife.

Yeah, it's clearly the wife.

Who saw this twist in the bugle coming?

What a twist.

I mean, it's all a figment of Andy's imagination, everything.

Whose voices are you hearing right now, Andy?

I know, it's mostly Christian.

Sure, Tom and Chris are there.

Sure.

It's mostly Richie Benno.

It's one of our American listeners.

So, Duki Rima's coming into info at thebuglepodcast.com.

And we'll do more next week because we've been a bit short on them recently, but we keep overrunning.

So we're about to get chucked out of the studio.

So do keep them coming in and follow the Twitter feed at HelloBuglers.

And don't forget the Bugle SoundClouds page, where you can listen to and comment on the episodes, which is soundcloud.com/slash the hyphen bugle.

So, you can, it's quite cool that you can actually leave comments at the place in the podcast that you're commenting about.

Awesome, what technology can do.

Oh, absolutely.

Is that ring true?

Yeah, so you can basically graffiti the bugle as you would a book that you're not enjoying.

I think I'm just going to go straight there now, Andy.

I've got something to say about your last few pun runs.

Potentially, I could put f ⁇ you Chris on every second of the yes yes yes that is true and you wouldn't be the first to try yeah and the internet continues to become mankind's toilet wall yeah

just I mean just one of the comments David Copperfield outstanding oh man

someone thought that was outstanding job

That's it for this week's Bugle.

Do enjoy February the 29th for any February the 29th fans.

And 40 years ago, on Wednesday, Hank Aaron became the first baseball player to sign a $200,000 contract,

which is approximately what you'd pay nowadays for a reserve third baseman to take a piss in a bucket.

So, how times change.

Thanks for listening, buglers.

We'll be back next week.

Goodbye.

Bye!

And goodbye from Tom.

It's been great to have you back.

Goodbye.

Yeah, sorry, everybody.

Yeah, that's alright.

See you in a couple of years.

Yeah, well, back in a couple of years.

With more Mystify Buglers going, who's this?

Yeah, who is this guy?

Australian loser.

Check the archives.

This used to be a major bugle character.

Well, major.

I was just grumpy because he kept on going on so long.

I thought I had to butt in.

And now you're weird.

And now you're becoming part of that.

I know.

This is like John the Baptist.

See how fun it is?

It's like John the Baptist turning up in the book of Revelations, this, isn't it?

Well, you see, I need to get nice.

Can you all shut up?

Of course.

There you go.

That's all, buglers.

That's all.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Bye.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.