Freedom of Speech and military golf carts

This is a Times Online podcast.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 82 of The Bugle, currently ranked in the world's top 10 least useful podcasts for for neurosurgeons by braindoc.com.

I'm Andy Zoltzman and I am in, I'll give you a clue, it begins with L and Rhino London, London and on the other side of Europe, Asia, the Pacific Ocean and the North American mainland in New York City.

I should have gone west, not east.

It's John Oliver!

Hello, Andy, and hello, buglers.

You might notice Andy's a little more focused today.

That's because it's raining at the cricket at the moment, so they're not playing.

So you'll probably sense if that rain stops because his mind will start to wander.

I made my plane last week.

Thanks for it taking off from LaGuardia and therefore being delayed by two hours.

But also I got a cab driver who said at one point to me as we were driving quite quickly across a bridge, if you don't guess this next song correctly, I'm gonna throw you out of the car.

And I'm pretty sure he was only around 40% joking.

Now luckily, it was Wild Horses by the Rolling Stones.

I got it within seconds.

And he then went on to say how much he loved that song.

And while talking about how much he loved it, and I promise you this is true, he burst into tears.

He was driving about 55 to 60 miles an hour over the bridge of the airport with tears running down his face.

And me in the back saying,

let's change the subject, shall we?

Oh, Lou, look out.

Do you know why it drove him to tears?

He just loved it.

He just loved it.

He was talking about, you know, his parents getting mauled by a pantomime horse.

That would make sense.

Yeah, that would make more sense.

But no, it was just that he he loved the song and then he said, sorry mate, I'm quite an emotional guy.

Yeah.

No shit.

I was up for two days in New Hampshire.

Did you shoot anything?

No, no, no.

No kind of holiday.

No try.

And the place we were going to stay was unavailable for the first night.

So we had to stay in the only place available.

It was a country club, like in Caddyshack.

And it was the single whitest place I've ever been.

I've never felt more out of place.

And I'm white.

And apparently, there was an official complaint lodged because I didn't have my shirt tucked in.

Strange place.

Right.

Was it because you had your wang out at the time as well?

Sorry, I should have been more clear about that.

Yeah.

So it is Bugle 82.

That means we have now done as many bugles as the combined total of the number of things on the to-do list U.S.

President Woodrow Wilson gave to Europe to tell it how to rebuild itself after the First World War in his famous 14-point speech of January 1918.

Europe chose to ignore much of what Woody had told them to do, thinking, nah, let's have another rumble in 20 years, eh, fellas.

Who's in?

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

Added to that, the number of times Alfred Hitchcock died.

The number of eggs eaten by Paul Newman in the famous scene in Cool Hand Luke.

That was 50 eggs.

Newman trained for the scene by eating 50 ostrich eggs in one sitting, so that 50 regular-sized chicken eggs would seem a doddle by comparison.

But he swelled up to three times his normal size and started burying his head in the sand.

So they hired an egg-eating stunt double, Jemima Eggs McGonagall from the egg-themed rock band Eggy Peggy and the Ovoid Egg Centrics.

but she was too obviously not Newman in that scene so they then had to re-reshoot the scene with Newman again by which time he had developed a fear of eggs so they had to film an egg by egg one egg every three days over ten months added to those the number of testicles owned by Roman Emperor Tiberius that was two but they weren't his own mines technically the Emperor's nuts were owned one by the Senate and one by the people of Rome added to that's the number of terms of office as US president served by French crooner Charles Aznavour so far and also the number of terms of office as Aznavour's vice president served by glamour model Betty Page.

Plus, finally, the number of Grand Slam tennis titles won by Roger Federer.

15.

That is, the number of computer console games in the Grand Slam tennis series that the Swiss Sizzler has won in raffles at this local village fate.

But he just marches in and buys all the tickets.

So where's the satisfaction in that?

82 also, John, is a happy number in mathematics, which has a complicated explanation.

I don't fully understand.

So this will officially be the chirpest, most optimistic bugle in living memory.

really yeah let's see about that some sections as always going in the bin this week a careers section looking for a change of direction in your work life something new to kickstart your career then the bugle career section is exactly what you've been down on your metaphorical knees praying for we'll tell you when and how to resign for example trapezing in through your boss's window in a pair of underpants with the words i quit written across your chest or maybe offer to set up a weekly employees newsletter then devote the entire front page of the first issue to a world exclusive scoop on your own imminent resignation what implications it has for the new company newsletter or perhaps hire a team of removal men to march into your office in the middle of a crucial meeting pick you your chair your desk and your filing cabinet up dump you in the back of a lorry and drive away quickly careers in the spotlight include a view analyzer for a map company travelling the world analyzing which views deserve one of those little viewpoint symbols on maps and why not work as a flower resuscitator save lives in the plant world by learning how to bring a wilting daffodil back from the brink of doom the right position to put a labelia in that's just been hit by a football and how to save a flat-lining daffodil, plus how to break bad news to gardens who just lost their favourite petunia to an errant and hungry tortoise.

This job has it all.

Top story this week and freedom!

It's one for you there, Tom.

Andy, I love freedom.

How much do I love freedom?

Well, let's look at that for a moment.

Would I be willing to die for it?

Probably not.

Would I like others to do that for me?

You bet I would.

How would you analyse it next to how much you love sport, John?

I definitely love it less than sport.

You know, if it's a choice between freedom and sport, then freedom's got to go.

Would you die for sport?

Yeah.

Happily as well.

That is as noble a death as you'll ever find.

But also, this begs the question, Andy, who's more free out of me and you?

You know, I live in the land of the free.

They They couldn't call it that without it being completely true.

Even though, living here, I'm probably under surveillance more than ever before.

In New York, you need ID to walk into most office buildings, but that's not the point.

Those fundamental curtails on my civil liberties are, in fact, protecting my freedom.

So if anything, I'm becoming even more free by becoming less free.

So suck on that.

Okay, I will.

I'll suck on it.

I'll suck on it.

Good.

I love free speech, John.

And ironically, here at the Bugle, we are actually paid to speak.

Well, I don't know how that fits, but we're actually the only ones allowed to talk on this show.

You like paid speech more than free speech, is what you're saying?

I do, yeah, I do.

Yeah.

And if any of you buglers want to argue about that, you're not allowed.

You're not allowed to speak on our podcasts.

And all I'll say is I know people.

That's all I'm saying.

So be careful.

So we're going to have an update, Andy, on how freedom is going across the planet at the moment.

First, Sri Lankan freedom.

Now, Sri Lankan authorities last week arrested a popular astrologer who had predicted that the president would be ejected from office.

Now, that might seem like a spectacular overreaction until you learn that many Sri Lankan politicians take astrology very seriously, which is surprising due to the fact that it is, of course, complete bullshit.

Now,

what do you mean by that?

Astrology or the nation of Sri Lanka?

I mean astrology.

I've got no quarrel with the Sri Lanka, Andy.

Stylish batsman, certainly.

I should have been more clear.

You're right.

President Rajapaksa himself is a well-known believer, even telling journalists that he has a favourite astrologer whom he consults for advice on what time to make speeches or when to depart for trips.

And that is a pressure job, by the way, Andy, a president's astrologer.

You do not want to be bringing him a bad horoscope in the morning, especially after hearing that he's just arrested another astrologer for pissing him off.

It's not that the messengers used to have to bring bad news to Caesar.

Chances were, you're going to end up with your head cut off unless you punched up the happiness a bit.

Hey, Caesar, your army got stomped on in Gaul, but

Tolkias are down in price, so that's a good thing to think about.

Oh, okay.

Make it quick.

It does seem a bit harsh.

He's been charged by the government with unwarranted anti-governmental soothsaying, the public purveillance of destabilitative bullshits, and also with not having a proper job, which I guess are all fair charges.

This is the problem with astrology, John.

It's not a respected profession.

Yeah.

Like being a train driver or a truck driver.

Because it's bullshit.

Or a tractor driver.

Yeah.

Yeah.

True.

But it's a fine note, because if he just predicted it, he'd have been a pundit.

But if you put on excitable trousers and start talking about planets and crap like that, you're rightly incarcerated.

And also, Andy, good luck to that guy in prison, too.

What are you in for?

Astrology.

Okay, would you like me to just stick this coat hanger in your side now or later?

May as well do it now.

He just predicted it properly.

He should have said, looking at opinion polls and how the economy is shaping up, it does seem that the president could struggle to win an outright majority.

Then he'd have been fine.

But because he was an astrologer, he probably had to put on a special tunic and light some incense and sacrifice a dog or something.

And all of a sudden, he's in jail.

Surely, anyway, this was a huge miscarriage of justice.

If the president really wants justice, he should lawyer up and arrest the planets that aligned in this manner, thus conspiring against him.

He should be pumping money into the woefully underfunded Sri Lankan space programme to send a rocket up to Lasso Neptune and drag it into custody.

To be fair, Rajapaska is a Scorpio, which means that he is jealous, suspicious, obsessive, secretive, manipulative, and obstinate, which really is the ideal personality profile for a politician.

The astrologer's exact prediction had been that the Prime Minister would take over as president on 9th of September and the opposition leader would become Prime Minister.

He went on to say that romantic Venus forms an uncomfortable semi-square with logical Mercury, picking our thoughts against our emotions.

Now might be the time to turn up the volume on some outrageous ideas.

A blonde stranger may be of importance to you.

You may have a disappointing sandwich.

Your lucky number is four.

But apparently it wasn't the later stuff that got him into trouble.

He predicted that a planetary change on the 8th of October will be inauspicious for Parliament and the government may not be able to contain rising living costs, a forecast which apparently had also already been made by private economists.

What?

Burn those witches too, Andy!

I always thought the calculators were basically just crystal balls.

I guess this is a warning for all astrologers out there, Andy.

Beware of being that specific.

Keep it meaninglessly general or you are risking trouble.

You know, if you're Robert Mugarby's astrologer, you have to think on your feet.

He was born on the 21st of February, making him a Pisces, the crab, and he's such a Pisces Andy.

You know what they're like.

Creative imagination, genocidal maniacs.

Pisces is not a crab, John.

Isn't it?

No.

What's the crab?

That's cancer.

What's the crab?

I guess it doesn't matter because, like I say, it is all bullshit.

I mean, that's your saving grace there.

It might as well be the crab.

It might be the crab now.

Maybe it'll be the crab next month.

Yeah.

It might, yeah, just make it up.

It doesn't matter.

That's the point, isn't it?

It could be the cow next month, who or the squirrel.

Robert McGarby's horoscope for the upcoming week is this.

uh i looked this up online it's uh your emotions are moving in several directions this weekend which is a barrier to making up your mind about anything important give yourself some slack instead of just trying to stick it to someone or a situation that suddenly changes from boring to dull obviously being fickle isn't a good long-term attitude for building a relationship so enjoy your freedom one day at a time that is actually quite spooky But as his astrologer, you've got to spin that and say, oh yeah, Bobby, obviously that means you should keep Svangerai under constant surveillance, repress any dissent and steal money from the poorest people in your country.

It's all there.

Trust me, I'm an astrologer.

In other free speech news, an Egyptian civil servant has been jailed for three years for insulting the Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak in a poem that he wrote on a bit of paper and took into work.

Oh boy.

He was dobbed in by a work colleague, was charged with insulting the president, which can have a sentence sentence of anything between 24 hours and three years.

And he got three years, John, for insulting Mubarak.

Mubarak, incidentally, not just what the American president's tutor tells him to do at his weekly cow impersonating classes.

Also, the president of Egypt.

So you'd think three years, that's at the top end of that scale.

It must have been really at the rude end of insulting seesaw, bouncing up and down like a naughty child trying to catapult respectability out of the playground.

Yeah.

Three years.

For that, you would think he must have called him at least a cock-sucking fatron with the shysty shit balls of a dick cranking the pot of us.

Live on Prime Time Tele.

Then you could see where the government was coming from.

You could see where the legal system was coming from, but he didn't write.

He's like a foulmouth Sesame Street character.

According to a translation of one of the offending verses, what he actually wrote was, Shine, shine whom you shine on all of us.

Shine, shine whom you shine wherever you go.

No one can shine like you shine.

You make people feel confused and lost.

You make people feel happy and lost.

Is that it?

It's a pretty well-veiled insult, John.

It might even be an oasis lyric from a B-side of one of their singles.

That was the only translation I could find.

So it does seem like a bit of an overreaction.

It wasn't like he even wrote something like: There was an old leader called Hozny, who was quite a bad president, wasn't he?

For the ruling of Egypt, he was quite badly equipped.

So I'd rather he was mayor of Chechen capital, Grozny.

Oh dear.

Andy, what I would suggest here is that we throw this open to buglers.

Let's all write more offensive poems

about Mubarak for next week.

Let's all get three-year mandatory Egyptian jail sentences in solidarity.

It's what the internet is for.

Here's some details about Mubarak you might not know.

He's 81 years old, president for 28 years.

He survived six assassination attempts, and apparently he's 20th on Parade magazine's world's worst dictator list.

Which might sound good, but it's like the Premier League, Andy.

There's a big drop-off after the top four.

Email us in your offensive Mubarak poems.

We'll see who gets the bugle three-year jail sentence next week.

Irish Freedom News now and you might think, ah, let's not worry about that.

That's just those backward Egyptians who invented civilization.

But no.

Ireland has just imposed a ridiculous new law prohibiting blasphemy and is receiving huge criticism in both Ireland and all around the world for threatening free speech.

The new legislation defines blasphemous matter as, and I'll quote, grossly abusive or insulting in relation to matters held sacred by any religion, thereby causing outrage among a substantial number of the adherents of that religion, and he or she intends, by the publication of the matter concerned, to cause such outrage.

Apparently, those found guilty of blasphemy will be fined up to 25,000 euros.

Andy, I think the budget for the bugle has just gone up by 25,000 euros an episode.

Also, that just goes to show how toothless blasphemy laws have become now.

Time was, you'd have been stoned to death or burnt alive, not given a slap on the wrist.

Fine.

God's gone soft, Dundee.

I bet hell's got pool tables and plasma screens in it now.

It's like a hotel down there.

Richard Dawkins, the famous God sceptic, has said that the new blasphemy law is going to send Ireland back to the Middle Ages.

If there's one country that does not want to go back then, it's Ireland, because they do not want to go through what the British did to them all over again.

And we'll do it.

Gladly.

At their AGM, a group called Atheist Ireland voted to test the new law by publishing a blasphemous statement deliberately designed to cause offence, and the statement will be finalised in the coming days.

I cannot wait to see that statement, Andy, and it better not be a fing letdown like that Mubarak poet.

They must be having a lot of fun in the atheist offices.

What a shame that their fun is empty, because as far as they're concerned, life is meaningless.

Vegas Freedom News Now and well, Andy, one of the freest places on earth is Las Vegas and that is both a good and mainly a terrible thing.

It just goes to show what humanity does with absolute freedom.

It arms itself to the teeth and starts building ludicrous fountains and imitation Eiffel towers in the middle of a desert.

But police in Vegas have been trying to clamp down on street performers.

Elvis impersonator Bill Jablonski.

Great name by the way Bill Jablonski.

How has he got this far in life without being a baseball commentator?

I don't know.

Hey Bill Jablonski, garden the game with me right here.

He was arrested for obstructing a sidewalk, but the American Civil Liberties Union of Nevada has filed a lawsuit successfully against the police and public officials.

It's just like Primo Levy warned us, Andy.

They came for the Elvis impersonators, but I was not an Elvis impersonator, so I did not speak up.

Then they came for those people spray-painted green who stand still pretending to be the Statue of Liberty, but I was not one of them.

How is he obstructing a sidewalk?

Unless he was imitating very late period Elvis.

In which case, I can probably see how that would be a problem.

People should be free to impersonate any 1950s to 60s rock star, John.

I just wish Vegas would branch out a bit.

Why is it always Elvis?

I want more Paul Anchor impersonators on the streets of Elvis.

On the streets of Vegas.

They should just rename Vegas Elvis.

Yeah.

And then, like Elvis, just let its bloated corpse die.

Oh, God.

What a terrible place.

So I think, in general, to wrap up this free speech section as Australia is 36 for two oh no there you go there you go I felt it I don't know if other viewers sensed it like your attention just be diverted and you go it's gone it's gone I think we all agree that free speech is nice John and it really takes a pressure off your conversations because without it we might as well spend all day at the zoo barking at the antelopes I'd simply say in response to that Andy

yeah

that better not have been bleak Tom you fascist

what's big heavily populated and shaped like a wonky ice cream cone?

That's right, India!

Hillary Clinton and he landed in Mumbai today.

It's even got like snow on the top, hasn't it?

For the Himalayas.

There you go.

Perfect.

It's like a little bit of frosting.

Yeah, lovely.

I've always thought of India as an ice cream.

So do you think of Sri Lanka as a bit that's melted off the side?

It's getting all over your thing.

You didn't quite get to it on time on a hot car journey.

Hillary Clinton landed in Mumbai today for a series of major meetings about forming a new, stronger partnership between the US and India.

And, you know, it is worth mentioning that this is all relative.

You know, relations between the US and the rest of the world over the last eight years have been so bad that almost anything short of being embroiled in outright war is a step forward.

But what kind of state is India at the moment?

You know, what who is America about to become closer friends with?

Well, one of the key concerns is try and get better relations between India and Pakistan because they are currently, to put it a bit mildly, a bit testy.

And whose fault is that?

It's probably Britain again, Andy.

Now the maps we drew regarding Kashmir haven't proven to be overly popular.

In fact, the success rate of our border doodlings is so low now that if you own a British passport, you should probably technically not be allowed near a pencil in case you race to the nearest map and start scribbling.

So I guess what most Indians will want to hear from Hillary Clinton is who did she think was the greater cricketer, Ian Botham or Capill Dev?

Right.

Yeah, once they've got past that, you've got to remember this is a nation of 1.2 billion people, John.

Still yet to produce a single genuinely fast bowler.

But anyway, it's a rapid and vast expanding economy.

It's got the crickets back on, isn't it, Andy?

I would imagine because India's such a crucial part of the world economy now, she's not going to go in Clinton with a full no-nukes shtick.

I think she's probably going to go easy on that.

And Nicholas Burns, former Secretary of State for Political Affairs in the Bush administration, in 2007 he wrote these words: Our relationship with India now is our fastest developing friendship with any major country in the world.

So there you go, America and India sitting in a tree, T-R-A-D-I-N-G.

And he also wrote, as we Americans consider our future role in the world, the right of a democratic and increasingly powerful India represents, and I quote, a singularly positive opportunity to advance our global interests.

So there you go, India, well done.

You've made yourself nice and plump.

Now prepare for the fork.

Interestingly, John, Bush was relatively popular in India compared with a lot of other nations in the world.

I think he had around about a 60% approval rating in India according to one poll, which possibly is due to his superb success in indirectly completely destabilising Pakistan.

I think that was it.

In other Indian news, one of India's main tiger parks, the Panna National Park, has admitted it no longer has any tigers.

Now, here's the suspicious thing about that sentence, Andy.

The word admitted.

Because that would imply that they've known for quite a while.

Maybe they've been taking tourists around for the last months and years, knowing full well that they haven't got any tigers anymore.

Maybe just dressing up park employees in tiger costumes and getting them to run around.

It's starting to sound like the plot to a bad Jack Black movie or a good Steve Gutenberg one.

Zing, having a go at your fellow film stars.

Let's listen to Guttenberg's podcast next week and see what he's got to say.

Oh, maybe it was a compliment.

That's not necessarily insult there, Andy.

Andy!

Focus!

Focus, Andy!

There are now 1,400 tigers left.

Don't try and phone it in, Andy.

There are 1,400 tigers left in India, John.

So if a popular TV chef suddenly starts promoting tiger sausages or saying how delicious tiger eggs are, they could be extinct within weeks.

Tiger eggs.

There's a chance that they've just wandered off, apparently.

That is a genuine chance.

But the concern is that they could have been lost to poaching.

Well, again, I think we in Britain have to hold up our hands here and say, whoops.

But in our defence, to be fair, it was kill or be killed for those tigers they have very sharp teeth.

And also, little Timmy was playing for the stripey team in rugby on Saturday and needed a new pelt.

Indian military news now, and a slightly embarrassing story this for the Indian Army, John.

They've spent 10 million rupees, which is around about 120 grand in British pounds.

I don't really care what it is in dollars, John.

Right.

It's of no interest to me or anyone else in the world.

Economically, that is simply not the case at the moment, either.

They spent 10 million rupees on what were described as silent reconnaissance vehicles for missions beyond enemy lines.

And it's now been revealed that what these vehicles were for 10 million rupees was 22 golf buggies.

Oh dear.

I think it's going to be hard to beat this in terms of best story of the decade.

I guess if you're in an army and you're thinking of spending 10 million rupees on silent reconnaissance vehicles, then you'd probably think in this modern age, the taxpayer wants value for money.

That means multi-purpose military equipment.

Why should it be just the Air Force who get to benefit from having fighter jets when we, the taxpayers, have paid for them to piss around flying loop-the-loops and dropping bombs to see if they go bang, John?

You know, what's the point anyway of having a fighter jet in peacetime apart from impressing chicks?

But that's a different debate.

I guess we'll never know.

But the Indian military, well done to them, John, for realising that they would be doing the Indian public a service by ensuring that these are not just silent reconnaissance vehicles for trained military personnel, they were also available for the public to use to help them be a bit more juvenile on the golf course, which is what golf buggies are designed for.

It revealed that several of the 22 golf buggies were apparently deployed to patrol the army's golf course in Chandigram.

Patrol the golf course?

Would it be patrolling that course armed to the teeth with golf clubs and maybe a cooler with some drinks in it?

And would that patrol last around 18 holes?

Am I close?

But it's militarily sound, John.

You know, if your enemy sees you tootling around in a golf buggy,

which is not traditionally the most warproof vehicle, then the last thing they're going to think is, hey, it looks like the opposition are up to some silent reconnaissance.

If you're a Pakistan Army sentry, for example, on the border keeping watch, you see someone in a golf buggy, you're going to think, Christ, what's he doing in a golf buggy?

Looks like General Arminov is really struggling off the tee again.

He must have gone way off course.

How many balls does this guy lose?

Maybe that's the ultimate level of surprise.

It's like Hannibal on elephants.

The Indian Army in golf carts.

Maybe they're relying on just the innate level of politeness of just the Pakistani Army just assuming that helping them to find their ball.

Oh, I think it went over to the left.

Hold on, I think it was over.

It's around this area.

Hannibal on elephants.

I don't remember that episode of the A-Team.

So on.

Your emails now, and this email comes from Doug Shaw in Natick, Massachusetts, USA.

Dear John and Andy, since its inception, the Bugle has provided the answers to various life questions that have been pondered by every civilization in the history of the world.

True.

We certainly have done that.

But this week, perhaps perhaps the most important of all life's questions has been answered.

WWJD, or what would Jesus drive?

According to residents in West Point, Georgia, Jesus has come down and bestowed to them the one true car company, the South Korean-based Kia.

What?

It makes perfect sense that a company that makes low-to-mid-range vehicles and whose very name is shorthand for killed in action would be Jesus' car of choice.

I just assume he'd get lifts off everyone.

I'm just thinking, you know,

you're standing standing by the side of the road and you see Jesus here, you're gonna think, I'll give this guy a lift.

He's probably got a story to tell, hasn't he?

Hey, where are you going, Jesus?

Oh, I'm not ah,

kind of on my way.

I'll do a loop around.

Do you have to go around the lake or can you help me over it?

No, I'll go around.

I'll go around.

No, I know, you're not a wizard.

I get it.

I get it.

There's a great email here from Anne Anderson Andy about Sarah Palin.

It says, John, Sarah Palin's prose only causes agony if you expect it to be a coherent expression of a series of cogent thoughts.

Start thinking of it instead as a surrealist poetry and you'll be able to get through it that much more easily.

Sarah Palin is the new Gertrude Stein, only without the lesbianism or the Finder Siegel chic, or come to think of it any other redeeming quality.

Finnder Siegel, John.

Fin der Siegler.

Isn't it Fander Siekla?

Now the French, you've been on that side of the Atlantic for too long.

Finn de Siegel.

We've got a Finn de Siegel ballgame here.

Yeah, because I'm near a French Canadians, Andy.

They've got an even weirder pronunciation than the French.

She goes on to say, for the best criticism of a prose, simply reread H.

L.

Mencken's critique of the speeches of President Warren G.

Harding and substitute the name Sarah Palin.

It fits beautifully.

This from March the 7th, 1921 edition of the Baltimore Sun.

I rise to pay my small tribute to Sarah Palin.

Setting aside a college professor or two and half dozen dipsomaniacal newspaper reporters, she takes the first place in my Valhalla of literati.

That is to say, she writes the worst English that I've ever encountered.

It reminds me of a string of wet sponges.

It reminds me of tattered washing on the line.

It reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights.

It's so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it.

It drags itself out of the dark abysm of pish and crawls insanely up to the toppermost pinnacle of posh.

It is rumble and bumble.

It is flap and doodle.

It is balder and dash.

Wow.

That's prescient almost.

That is great.

That's like he was just using Warren G.

Harding as a warm-up for palin.

My favourite slapdown, John, is uh I bought a friend for his 21st birthday many years ago, an 18th century edition of the Critical Review magazine or book.

And there was one book review in it that simply read, this is an irreviewable performance because the nonsense we encounter in perusing it is insufferable.

That was it.

No stars.

You can't even take something out of context from that and stick it on the back cover, can you?

There's no pull-up quote to be had there.

One final email, this comes from David Wynne, who writes, I saw a Ron Paul 2012 bumper sticker.

How does this make you feel?

Oh, God.

It makes me feel awful.

Right.

Absolutely.

Yeah, like a kind of dread, nausea in my stomach.

You know,

it'd be nice to run into him again.

He's a very old man.

I'm not sure he's going to make it.

That's quite an optimistic bumper sticker on a number of levels.

I think so, yeah.

Do keep your emails coming into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

And I will round up the best of the rest of them in a no, no.

No, I'm too busy at the moment.

Give it a few weeks.

Sport now, and Andy, how's the cricket going that you're watching?

Well, it's off at the moment, it's raining.

Oh, really?

Okay, so no, it's been an interesting game.

Australia bowled the worst they've ever bowled against England in 25 years yesterday, so it was a great day, great day for the country.

That was why you were so happy all day yesterday.

Andy, do you think your happiness is directly inverse to Australia's bowling performance?

Yeah, I think it probably is, yeah.

I'm not really concerned how England play.

I just want Australia to do badly.

For the good of global cricket, John, they've been doing it.

It's just malice.

It's just pure malice.

It's for the greater good of the game.

There was a big incident at the end of the first test in Cardiff when Ing were battling heroically to save a draw.

And did some superb time wasting at the end when they sent out the substitutes with some spare gloves for the batsman, two overs in a row near the end, just to waste a bit of time.

And the excuse that England came out with afterwards was that when they took the first set of gloves out, a drink had been spilled on the gloves, so they had to take another set out the following over, which is one of the lamest excuses in the history of sport.

In other sport news, Manchester City in the English Premier League are continuing to spend like they are Roman Caesars.

It is incredible, Andy.

They have now got so many strikers.

I think they're starting to buy people just so other teams can't have them.

just gonna they're gonna just leave them fallow or you're gonna cryogenically freeze them to say yeah i'm just i'm just gonna you sit down and do nothing

buy everyone else's teams and tell them to stand still it is a spectacular use of money have they uh have they put in a bid for you yet john no i guess it's coming

I mean, it's almost like, you know, school picking teams now.

It's just the last person to be signed by Manchester City.

It's going to be a real insult.

It does slightly make you think, though, thou, John, that top-level modern professional football is just pointless.

That's my conclusion.

It's a really well-reasoned, beautifully stated case.

Well done.

Is it as pointless as horoscopes and astrology?

Is it as pointless as that?

Well, I don't know.

It depends if those horoscopes have been bought up month by month by Arab oil billionaires, John.

Oh, Aunt Pisces doing well this month.

Yeah, but it doesn't mean anything.

They've just piled money into it.

And in fact, I've just seen a new headline come through on the BBC Sport website now say, magic city pledge to keep spending

not just anyone for just on anything now they're going to single-handedly revive the world economy just spend money on everything

well i think this uh podcast needs to come to an end um

okay

it's been a delight been lovely talking to you all it's really uh it's really testing tom's uh

Tom's patience.

Is this the author?

This is the longest, Tom.

Is this the longest we've done yet?

No, no, Andy.

Continue.

Well, it's just, well, it looks like He was looking at eBay auctions and the way he was moving his mouse.

What are you looking at online, Tom?

Are you not focusing on our voices?

I think he tuned out about an hour ago.

I'd love to give you the satisfaction.

I am actually doing something professional.

I am looking at the files which I'm moving into a special folder.

And that is the truth.

Is that a folder marked trash, Tom?

Are you drag and dropping us straight into your trash?

John, are you looking at me from a camera somewhere?

The forecast is: is next week's people going to be slightly better disciplined than this one?

Well, I don't know.

I guess I will answer that with another question, Andy.

And I would ask you: Is the ashes on again next week?

No, they've got a week off next week.

Then, yes, then it will be a lot better disciplined.

Thank you.

Bye-bye, Buglers.

Bye.

Have a lovely week.

You deserve it.

This is a Times Online podcast.

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Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

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