The G8. Saving the world incredibly slowly

This is a Times Online podcast.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to Bugle 81.

With me, Andy Zoltzmann, here in London and in in New York City.

John Oliver.

Hello, Buglers.

Hello, Andy.

It's great to be back.

Was it only one week off?

Yes.

Numerically, it was only one week off.

I've also had the week off this week, Andy, and I went to quite a bit of baseball.

I went to the Mets Dodgers on Tuesday and I was on Sports Centre in the background.

As Manny Ramirez got ejected from the game, you can clearly see me jump to my feet,

pointing in the direction to which I felt he should be walking, and he walked that way.

My ideal choice would that I'd be on Sports Centre in the top 10 plays pretty much every day, Andy.

But if I can, if I can be on Sports Centre just rejoicing at someone else's misery,

that'll have to be enough.

That's fair enough, John, isn't it?

Because, you know, you've had that reaction from people at your gigs, haven't you?

So why not give it back?

Pretty much.

Yeah.

So this is Bugle 81 for the week beginning Monday, the 13th of July.

81, of course, surely the most appropriate ever number for a a bugle john because as i'm sure our millions of turkish speaking listeners will be able to tell us 81 in turkish well it's still 81 but it's pronounced sex and beer and sex and beer what's what we're all about hey john you know it's it's felt it's about

so we started cornering the audio lads mag market oh no i don't want them i don't want them andy

they're not welcome here um saturday uh the 11th of July this year is of course the 205th anniversary of the duel between Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton

just in New Jersey just across the water from where you are right now John.

They've been bitching at each other for years of course Burr Man and the H-Dog until finally they laid it all out one July morning in New Jersey where dueling I believe was still legal.

It was already illegal in New York City by then thanks to the Liberal left.

It's pretty much legal now.

It's tolerated now.

There's a lot of street fighting in Jersey, that's what I'm saying.

It's quite an odd hobby I think dueling but you know if it's what people enjoy who am I to tell them how to live and end their lives?

But I think we should put this duel in perspective, the Burr Hamilton Jewel John.

That's the sitting vice president and a former Treasury Secretary.

That's the modern equivalent of Joe Biden and Hank Paulson dressing up in jockstraps, squaring up in a cage, and smacking each other on the head with kitchen chairs until one of them conks out.

I think they both benefit from that.

See, there's a recently discovered transcript from the original TV commentary of the Burr Hamilton Jewel

from 1804.

It reads like this: Hello, and welcome to Burr vs.

Hamilton Pistols at Dawn 04.

And what a contest we have here, the little 48-year-old vice president from right here in New Jersey, and the 49-year-old one-time Treasury Secretary and Federalism fan who has riled the VP with some real trash talking recently.

That's what broke this big show down, and the whole world will be tuning in to watch it.

Jim Pooke, the former New England dueling champion, is with me in the combox this fine New Jersey morning.

Hello, Jim.

Hello, Tony, and what a pleasure it is to be here for what promises to be an excellent duel between these two very eminent gentlemen.

So, Jim, what are the tactics going to be?

Well, let's see if that happens.

They're walking away from each other now and Hamilton, well, he looks like he's going to be the first to shoot.

Oh bit of an upset there.

He's fired it.

Well not right at Burr while that looks things but quite close to him.

Well Burr's not going to like that Tony.

No Hamilton could live to regret that or not.

Good point.

Good point.

That's going to depend on Burr's shot.

He's lining it up now.

The failed governor of New York candidate.

Let's go down to Julian on the dueling ground.

Tony, there's a bit of an east-to-west crosswind down here, so I think Burr will be looking to aim just to Hamilton's left and just let the breeze drift the bullet back in towards the torso.

So here comes a shot.

Yes, he's got him!

Yes!

Hamilton's gone down quicker than a plate of pickled herring in a bottom its fur, and that looks like a pretty serious injury there, Jim.

Yes, a terrific shot from Aaron there.

He's read it beautifully, and that looks like it could be a fatal one for Alex, if I'm not much mistaken, Tony.

Yes, and that could rule Hamilton out of the running for future political office.

And that 0-1 record in his head-to-head with his old rival Burr is really gonna sting.

And Burr's gonna check going over now to check how Hamilton is.

Well, it's been fought in a tremendous spirit this duel, Jim.

Oh, lovely moment there as Burr fled the scene, Tony.

He leant over his long-time enemy, put his thumb on his nose, waggled his fingers, stuck his tongue out, and blew the guy a raspberry as he lay mortally wounded.

Super stuff, he demanded satisfaction, Burr, and boy, did he get it.

And of course, Hamilton's death, on which, while still awaiting confirmation, will be doubly ironic, of course, as his son also died in a duel just three years ago.

Jim, it's been a pleasure calling this one with you, and do join us at the same time next week for President Tommy TJ Jefferson against the guy who felt up his wife at a White House disco last week.

Andy, you make history, you know, so accessible and inaccurate.

That's right.

On the AJP Taylor Dino Jour.

In commemoration of the famous Burt Hamilton duel, we are giving you, the bugle listeners, one half of an audio dueling kit.

Team up with a fellow bugle listener and fire this sound effect at each other.

Slag each other off a bit first.

Challenge each other to a duel and meet with your bugles at 6am.

on some open ground.

As always, some section of the bugle going straight in the bin this weekend.

a summer sunburn fashion section.

Sunburn, of course, cheaper than a tattoo, less permanent, but still painful.

And we tell you the best cut-out shapes to put on your body this summer while sunbathing to give you a funky but interesting pale patch on your otherwise burnt torso.

Designs available include popular tattoo style favourites such as a bird, a little star, some oriental text of absolutely no relevance to you, a naked woman changing the crankshaft on a vintage Mercedes, a hyena scavenging the carcass of a canoe, the opening troop arrangements from the First Battle of Ypres, Sherlock Holmes lighting his pipe whilst chewing a mouse, and a silhouette of the rock legends white snake looking at a menu outside a Chinese takeaway.

And also in the bin, a special Bugle Street Talk section.

New words to drop into your hip conversations this summer.

These words are gravelic, fluke, hackman, scoopsy, tremending, and pheasant.

Use them as you see fit as nouns, adjectives, verbs, or simple expletives.

See how people react and then work out what they mean.

Top story this week, G8 to the rescue!

Andy, Michael Jackson wanted us to heal the world.

He was pretty clear about that in between buying $500,000 vases for his irresponsibly large house.

And this week, as if in tribute to him.

No, you're probably right.

This week, as if in tribute to him, but crucially not, the G8 leaders of the world gathered together in Italy to discuss how to improve the planet.

That's right, in Italy, meaning that the host of the G8 was none other than Bugle favourite, slapstick politician, and a man who, to put it mildly, is simply not fit to govern,

Silvio Berlusconi.

And I know what you're thinking, Berlusconi's hosting the G8.

There is definitely going to be a stripper pole.

Sadly, not this time.

Andy Silvio had to curb his caligula like instincts due to the recent controversial press linking him to sleeping with prostitutes.

And incidentally in response to these allegations, Silvertongue Silvio gave an interview to a magazine he owned and said that he would never have done a thing like paying a prostitute because, and I quote, I've never understood what satisfaction there is other than that of conquering a woman.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

His poor, poor, soon-to-be ex-wife.

He is treating 51% of the world's population like his own personal white whale.

He's a sexually aggressive Captain Ahab trawling the high seas looking for the next conquest.

I think we should be thankful though, John, because of course his ancestor and predecessor, Julius Caesar, you know, wasn't so much interested in conquering women as conquering continents.

And maybe it's good that Silvio is slightly just drawn in his sights to the fairer sex.

You might have a point there.

You don't, but you might.

Naturally, of course, Berluscoli's opinion polls amongst the Italian electorate have remained high through the latest prostitution scandal.

Of course they have, Andy, because Italians are their own worst national stereotype.

This particular G8 summit was notable for a number of reasons, chief amongst them being that this was Obama's first G8.

Again, Berlusconi chose to make him feel at home by getting him a private basketball net outside his private quarters at La Cuilla.

That should be nothing other than a lovely gesture.

He knows that President Obama likes to play basketball every day, and he's providing an outlet for that.

But why is it that because it's coming from Berlusconi, you just assume that it's a bit racist?

That's the thing with Berlusconi.

He does kind of distract the attention away from the real business, John, which wasn't banging prostitutes, but was attempting to stop global warming.

Yeah, if you can indeed

separate the two philosophically.

I still don't know whether prostitution contributes to or detracts from global warming.

I'm not sure.

It's not an either-or situation we're looking at here.

I don't think so.

I don't know if it's if there are better ways to sleep with a prostitute in a more green manner.

Am I just saying before prostitution existed, the environment was actually much better than it is now?

That much is better.

I don't know if there's ever been a scientific

research paper.

They say it's the oldest profession in the world, Andy, so you're going back quite a long way.

Yeah, it's still a fact, isn't it?

Yeah.

You can't argue with facts.

Well, you can.

Well, a fact was going to bite you in the face, John.

Andy, once again, you are confusing facts with emus.

john once again you are walking into an emu enclosure with peanut butter on your face

but they've set new global warming targets to attempt to heat the world up by two degrees by 2050 i believe is the the new target or limits that heating i don't know if they're aiming to heat it up by two or setting that as a maximum you know when it comes to saving the world i guess most of us would say uh is it worth it Well, I suppose it is better than a javelin in the neck.

You know, nice to have a world to live in these days.

Just one of those things, isn't it?

The world with can't live without it.

But we have set quite an ambitious target of getting carbon output down by 80% by 2050 for developing countries.

But there'll be no interim targets set, John.

And as we know, the human soul is programmed to work to deadlines.

So if the world is anything like me, and given that I am part of the world, I don't see no reason why it shouldn't be exactly like me.

That is reluctantly the case, I know.

If the world is like me, it will probably wait until October 2049 and then start start frantically charging around cutting any emissions it can find in a desperate effort to get somewhere near its target.

Having spent the previous 41 years thinking about doing some stuff, checking its emails, seeing if it can make a profit gambling against itself on coin tossing and just generally trying on its slippers over and over again.

Knowing you have a problem is not making strides to resolve that problem, I think.

So this was Andy Obama's first experience of being a full member of the G8.

And they do sound like superheroes, the G8, albeit that if that were the case, they would be the most inactive superheroes ever created.

They'd be superheroes with undeniably impressive powers, but who choose to sit around all day with each other at remote summits, talking about how they definitely intend to use their powers for good one day, but how it is impractical to put a date on when that day might be at this time.

The main thing you need to be able to do at these summits is, well, first, talk a good game going in, then resolve absolutely nothing in the ludicrously short time provided, and then most importantly, pronounce the whole thing afterwards a huge success.

And by that yardstick, Obama did very well at his first attempt.

He went in determined to build a consensus on reducing carbon emissions, came up against China and India telling him, through slightly politer translators, to basically go f himself,

and came out with a commitment that global temperatures should not rise more than two degrees Celsius above 1900 levels.

There you go.

So often, Andy, it all comes down to words.

They should not

rise more than two degrees Celsius.

They should not.

Obviously they should not.

And I don't think anyone disagrees with that.

But that does not mean crucially that they cannot, must not, or indeed will not.

I should not attempt to juggle with three pineapples that I've soaked in kerosene and set fire to.

I should not do that for many reasons, but you notice there that I've been very careful not to promise that I definitely won't.

Well, Gordon Brown had some big words for the world.

He said these words.

The world has now agreed that the scientific evidence on climate change is compelling.

So we've made it.

That's the important thing.

You've got to accept that you have a problem, as you say, John.

Set achievable goals.

That's right.

That's what he's done there, and he's even failed to meet them.

So is it going to be enough?

Some people have said, no, it won't.

Some people have said, yes, it will.

I guess the proof of this particular pudding, John, will be in whether anyone is still around to do the eating in 100 years' time, or whether they're all living up trees with polar bears.

There's a worse way to go out.

Yeah, okay.

Now, Prince Charles also weighed in on this issue, Andy.

Prince Charles, obviously.

I know, no one will.

Professional prince.

Professional prince.

Qualified prince.

Yeah, career monarch.

Well, in waiting.

That's right.

Monarch elect, except unelected.

You get the point.

Kids are Nazi.

You got the guy.

He likes dressing up as a Nazi.

Sorry, I mean, I always think those two...

No, they're too similar to really draw a significant distinction between the two.

two.

Nazis like dressing up as Nazis.

That was one of their things.

Some of them like dressing up as princes as well.

So, I don't know what we can read into that.

Potato picato.

Anyway,

Prince Charles has long been an environmental campaigner in between dusting 500,000 pound vases in his irresponsibly large house.

And he has, in fact, done a great deal of good by relentlessly highlighting the need for people to do something about it.

Of course, even when he's king, all he's going to be able to do is keep talking about it, because sadly, gone are the days when his job description included being able to jump on a horse and start beheading anyone who disagreed with him.

Oh, what's that you say?

You have doubts as to whether global warming is directly caused by humanity's action.

Wallop!

Have a taste of that.

Don't worry, your body's biodegradable.

Anyone else want to try to debunk proven science?

Thought not.

See you, losers, later.

Giddy up, Tonso.

Well, of course, monarchs beheading their subjects has been barred since the 1960s here in Britain after the Queen took exception to the pop group Dave D.

Dozy Beaky McIntich and rampage onto the set of top of the pops with a scimitar.

Yep, she did not the way they were thrusting at her.

That's her right.

The G8 also set a September deadline for Iran to cooperate and accept negotiations on its nuclear issue.

They really laid it down to Iran, John.

They issued a statement.

I mean you don't get much harsher than that.

But in this statement they said these words.

We sincerely hope that Iran will seize this opportunity to give diplomacy a chance to find a negotiated negotiated solution to the nuclear issue.

Ouch, steady on.

They've issued Iran with an ultimatum, John, a kind of cooperate or don't cooperate ultimatum, but preferably cooperate, please.

Otherwise, in September, the G8 will.

Can you guess what they're going to do, John?

Are they going to take some slightly sterner action?

Well, when you say that, I mean, you think the options would be maybe impose punitive sanctions.

They're not going to do that.

They're not going to I guess they could launch a devastating air assault on suspected Iranian nuclear facilities.

Or they could just line up all around Iran's borders and tease Iran and call it names.

But no, it will, and I quote, take stock of the situation.

Take that, Mahmoud, you crazy bitch.

See the situation?

We're going to take some stock of it.

Other news now and Sarah Palin update.

And if there's one thing that everyone can agree on about Sarah Palin, who's, you know, a relatively divisive figure, it's that she really does have the ability to surprise.

The differences come in concerning your response to those surprises, whether it's a euphoric sense that a breath of fresh air is blowing through conservative politics, or whether it's a dry wretch heaved up from the base of a stomach which just cannot vomit anymore.

I'm not going to say which side I belong to, Andy.

I guess I'm a bit of both, but with absolutely none of one of them.

Last week, Sarah Palin surprised the media, the people of Alaska, the Republican Party, her closest friends, and even members of her own campaign staff by resigning as governor of Alaska.

Why might she do that, you might ask?

Why might she not complete even the one term in which she was elected to serve?

Why?

Why is that?

Why would she not do that?

Seems odd.

I wonder what her reasons are.

And then you would listen to her meandering, dramatically inventive, impromptu press conference, and you would find yourself saying, uh,

nope, still don't get it.

Still don't have any of the answers to the questions I've just asked.

And bear in mind, I only asked one question over and over again.

So I guess questions will be asked, John.

You know, what could she be planning?

Is this the end of the beginning or the beginning of the end or the end of the end or two ends and one beginning?

Or is it just a prank?

Is she a witch?

Is she a bear?

Is she applying for custody of Michael Jackson's parents?

Who knows?

Right.

I mean any of those would make more sense than her standing up and saying, you know, I'm not just going to stay on because that's what quitters would do.

No, that's.

Hold on, hold on.

Somebody stop her right there.

I don't want to stop her every sentence, but I cannot let that slide.

That is not what the word quit means.

You, you, you

witch.

Rumours circulating that she might run for president in 2012.

Good luck with that.

There are also rumours, John, that she might try to take your place on the bugle.

Really?

Well,

I'll tell you what, watch our ratings soar if that happens, Andy.

I'll be the first to tune in, Andy, for you trying to find some common ground with Sarah Palin every week,

who, amongst many of your philosophical differences, I would imagine doesn't like cricket.

So I don't know what you're going to say.

She can be converted, John.

We can always sing some duets.

I don't really feel I can do that with you.

Well, you've never tried.

I'll come in just a third above.

You know, I love to harmonise.

Yep, we do love lifters up where we belong.

I'm ready to go when you are.

I will call your bluff on that one, Andy.

She said at one point during her speech that it would be apathetic to just hunker down and go with the flow.

Before I go on to say, nah, only dead fish go with the flow.

What?

What?

What are you talking about?

It's so hard to even vocalise your response to her through anything other than a primal scream yelled into a pillow held over your own face.

You mentioned that she may run for president.

I think it's important for us all to

understand that Republicans, contrary to their behaviour sometimes, are not idiots and that she will not win the Republican primary.

So that's something to bear in mind as the months and years unfold.

Point is Andy, see if you can unravel the meaning here.

She says, a good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket, and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so the team can win.

And I'm doing that.

Keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities, smaller government, energy independence, national security, and freedom.

And I know when it's time to pass the ball for victory.

Unravel that ball of yarn, Andy.

That logical ball of yarn.

Oh, no, no, no, how many letters is it?

Eight and six.

The second letter is E.

So, well, John, obviously, in the wake of this, the big question on everyone's lips is who is going to be the new governor of Alaska?

Right.

So, I have a bugle guide to the potential candidates.

One, Rudy Giuliani.

Yes, yes.

This may be a key opening for Giuliani in his continuing efforts to win the 2008 presidential elections.

Keep those donations coming in.

Denzel Washington, the Hollywood actor, of course, very well known in Alaska due to his roles in movies such as Malcolm X, Malcolm Triple X, The Pelican's Briefs, and Denzil Washington, The Jockstrap of Babel.

Denzela Washington, she's a female Denzel Washington impersonated from Anchorage, who is well known in Alaska due to Denzel Washington being also well known in Alaska.

Then there's the 1950s rock and roll singer, The Big Bopper.

Having been dead for 50 years now, the time is right for Bopper, real name Biggleswade Bopper, to make a low-profile public comeback in politics.

But I think he remains an outsider.

Or there's Sean Parnell, the current lieutenant governor of Alaska.

Be honest, Andy, as you were saying that, did you have one eye on a cricket?

No.

I mean, Buglers should probably know that the Ashes are in play at the moment.

And there's a TV in Andy's studio.

And

I feel I can sense your focus is less than usual, Andy.

I'd like to confirm that as producer.

Yeah, right, of course.

You're watching it far more than I am.

I'm watching much more than you are.

Supposed Scott.

You're not even supposed to like cricket.

Come on, Australia.

That's what I'm saying.

You with your Australian wife for shambles.

We put you up here in our capital of London, and this is how you repay us.

Do you want to wait for the next ball, or shall we move on?

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

very nearly a little top-edge sweep by Marcus North.

Feature section now, and Central America.

What do you get when you build a sewage outlet next to a string of seaside holiday resorts?

Costa Rica!

Nicaragua!

Yes, I'll admit I did, but I was thirsty, and I'll buy her another bottle of Spanish mineral water as soon as I've got some cash.

Guatemala, no thanks, I'm allergic to avocados.

Panama?

Okay, if I must, I will.

The BBC's Andrew Marr is past it as a political broadcaster.

He's lost any gravitas ever since he put tights on for children in need.

There, I panned a ma.

Will that do?

Hey, El Salvador.

Nope, please don't.

I know we're a bit short of cash at the moment, but we need to keep the door.

Sell the TV instead.

Honduras.

No, you, Honduras.

Oh, Belize.

Stop making jokes based on Central American countries' names.

For Mexico jokes, please refer to Bugle79.

There's a nice little audio footnote, Andy.

While we're away, Andy, Honduras gave the world a good, old-fashioned military queue, and it was heartwarmingly nostalgic to see Central America go back to doing what it does best toppling dictators in a Woody Allen's banana style the Honduras military arrested the president in the middle of the night while he was sleeping took him straight to the airport which led to this magnificent direct quote from the front of the New York Times Andy

I'm still the president of Honduras he said still wearing his pajamas

There is nothing you can say that cannot be instantly undercut if you are wearing pajamas in a situation where they are not commonly worn.

If you are wearing pajamas when society dictates you shouldn't be, something dramatic has just taken place.

President Zelaya even tried to go back to Honduras seven days later, but his plane was prevented from landing at the airport by the military, so it just had to circle overhead before giving up.

Now, technically, during this, he was in Honduran airspace, so he was president again.

And he could maybe be president in a balloon, which never touches the ground.

He could be the world's first democratic elected airborne leader floating over the people shouting down commands.

I think that would be a great way to run a country.

That's basically how Tony Bless thought he was running Britain.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

It would have been better if he just had the physical representation of how above people he felt.

Now he said that he needs to find other ways of entering the country.

Phenomenal.

Andy, this story is about to get even better.

He could tunnel his way in.

Maybe.

He could dress up as a donkey,

try to get through customs, spend a couple of weeks, keep it on the down low, giving children rides on the beaches, and then suddenly throw it off and say, Ah, it's me, I'm president again.

What?

I'm going to the airport.

At least let me put my oh, okay.

It's lucky he wasn't a lady president, otherwise that could have been really awkward.

Can he be president in a 90?

I don't know.

I think they're called presidents, and

now Costa Rican president Oscar Arias has been uh leading mediation efforts to resolve the Honduras shamuzzle.

As you would expect from a country, Costa Rica is officially the world's happiest country, John.

According to the Happy Planets Index, Costa Rica is the happiest nation in the world, the greenest and happiest country in the world.

Britain's only halfway up the Happy Planet Index, 74th out of 143.

And the USA, 114th happiest nation

in the world.

Well, is that just at the moment?

Is that because of the country?

Well, it isn't.

Yeah, they were 34th until you moved there, mate.

I'd love to disagree, but

you can't argue with numbers.

But the the top tent is dominated by countries from the Latin American region, and the bottom by countries from Africa.

And I think Zimbabwe is really struggling in this particular league.

Understandably, I guess.

But why you might think is Costa Rica so happy?

Well, the answer is it's got loads of birds.

800 different species of bird in Costa Rica.

And I think that's why people are so happy.

In fact, exactly 800.

They operate on a one-in-one-out basis.

As soon as a new bird flies into Costa Rican airspace, the current least popular species of bird is hounded out by its fellow birds.

So it's rather.

Self-policing, these 800 species of bird currently include such birds as the winking scutterwing, which winks at tourists before it craps on their shoulders.

The blue-beaked jellybird, that's the wobbliest known bird in the world with a disgustingly foul-mouthed beak.

It's a relative of the parrot, but ruder.

The cheese-plumed honkerbird, its feathers spread out like a slice of cambozola whilst mating, and it tweaks like a claxon.

And also, here's a fact, John, if you ate all 800 species of bird in Costa Rica, you would die eventually, anywhere between 30 minutes and 120 years later.

But by the time you did, you would have grown feathers on 70% of your body.

Here's the thing, Andy, though, they claim they're happy, but can you truly be happy as a nation if you've never won the World Cup?

They've never won the World Cup.

Never.

Surely that must nag at the back of their minds.

They did all right in 2002, really.

They played with a bit of flair.

Got a couple of goals against Brazil.

They did Annie.

They really won over the neutrals.

But

history doesn't recall that.

It's not going to etch their name on the trophy.

It's just going to etch loser next year.

Never won it.

Never won it.

So I know what they're so fing happy about.

Well, it's interesting you mentioned football because obviously in this region famously in I think it was 1969 there was a war between Honduras and El Salvador that followed on from a World Cup qualifier.

They went to war.

I think there was a disputed penalty.

And a war broke out.

And now some people say we in Britain take sport too seriously.

But I don't think that's ever happened.

I can imagine the next World Cup.

Here comes Rooney with the penalty.

Oh no, he's blazed it over.

Spain are through to the semi-finals, and the RAF will make Madrid wish it was Dresden 1945 by the end of the night because of that controversial offside in the second half.

We are running out of time, so we can't do emails this week because what is it, John?

You've got to piss off on holiday somewhere or something.

I mean, there's definitely a nicer way of putting it than that, Andy.

I do have, you know, I guess a vital piece of relaxation.

Just a couple of days.

Really nothing spectacular, Andy.

But yes, I mean, that is something that I'm going to do.

And if you want me to apologise for it, I f ⁇ ing won't mate.

But I guess we'll all benefit next week when you're even more relaxed.

Yeah, I'll be refreshed, Andy.

And I think you'll sense that.

I probably won't sense it, John, because I'll be watching the Lord's Destination and tell you while you're talking.

Well, quickly say thank you to Samuel Brady, who sent in on the subject Andy's book.

Dear Andy, John and Thomas.

Nice to nice to see you.

You're getting some

props on the emails.

Because I'm bothering to do the blog.

That's exactly why it is.

That's exactly why it is.

He sent in a picture, which is Andy attached.

You'll find a screenshot from the Amazon website showing just some of the dozens of people desperate to sell your book for one pence.

I thought I'd mock you a little as you mock all us buglers with their ambivalence towards our beloved blog.

So here is John, a list of various Amazon sellers and the condition that my book is in, including used, good, used, very good, and used, acceptable.

What have they done to my book, John?

It's only acceptable.

What have they been?

I think they've been over-reading it.

That's someone who's loved that book so much they've read it into an only acceptable condition.

Now have to get rid of it to get some perspective back in their lives.

Yep.

Either that or they've thrown it against the wall, Andy, unable to believe its content.

Also, let's make time, Andy, for another remix that we were sent by a bugler called Dan Clark.

And now, he's taken Delante West, he's done something absolutely incredible with it.

And, you know, I think setting it up any more seems unnecessary.

Andy, please just sit back, buglers, pour yourself a glass of pink wine and enjoy.

Oh, yeah.

We're doing a $99 wine and dive.

We're going to go to my yacht.

We'll pull up at the docks, and I've got a guy waiting for us.

Open our door up, and we walk down a lit-up dock and onto the yacht.

We have dinner set up on the boat, and we just cruise on the water.

Sit down and have some dinner, some shrimps, and steaks.

Keep it nice and breezy.

Keep it nice and breezy.

Keep it nice and breezy.

Pop some bottles, some Moe Rose.

The red Moay.

We ain't popping no Chris Darl.

It tastes like urination.

Oh

yeah.

We ain't popping no Chris.

That's $500 a bottle.

It ain't that serious.

It ain't gonna get you drunk.

We ain't doing a $500 bottle.

We're doing a $99 one in a dance.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

I see one official all-star right there and I see two in the makers.

Wow.

I don't know what to say Andy.

Words are not enough.

Well, you know, everything else seems a bit futile, I think.

That really is an absolutely astonishing effort from Clarkey.

absolutely.

I love the way the drums cut out.

Just like I was in Boys to Men.

All right, bye, John.

Are you hunting and fishing?

Is that what you're up to?

No, I'm just trying to catch a plane, Andy.

And you know, it'll be interesting.

When you come to do the forecast at the end, I want to forecast whether I'm going to catch this plane or not.

All right, I'll do that.

Yeah, I mean, how long have you got?

I don't know.

Probably not technically long enough, so we'll see.

We'll see, Andy.

We'll see if I'll get the plane.

All right, mate.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Sport now, and well, since John's not here, I'll just ramble on a bit about rugby.

In the final British Lions Test was highlighted by a protest by the South African rugby team.

They wore armbands with a little protest slogan on.

Now, the South African rugby team could have made a dignified protest about anything, really.

They're one of the most symbolic collectives, emblematic of a new nation emerging, united from the fires of discord and discrimination, a team whose jersey Nelson Mandela so famously wore at the 1995 Rugby World Cup semi-final, one of the most potent single gestures of letting bygones be bygones.

So, what could the South African rugby team have had on these very brave protest bans on their arms?

They maybe could be highlighting the dangers of AIDS in southern Africa, maybe advocating safe sex for South African youth, maybe calling for an end to the urban violence and crime that scars their country, showing solidarity with the suffering of ordinary people in Zimbabwe, maybe calling on lions in southern Africa to stop eating zebras, maybe talking about how important it is for surfers and swimmers not to get eaten by a shark in the ocean off Durban.

But no, what the South African team wanted to express most in the world is that they think their teammate Bacchis Borta was slightly harshly treated with a two-week ban.

They wore a little ban saying justice for Bacchis.

This has to be the bravest sporting protests.

You know, you think of the American Sprinters at Mexico in'68 with the Black Power protest, you think of Zimbabwean cricketers expressing dissatisfaction with the Mugabe government in the 2003 World Cup.

Nothing, nothing compared with justice for Backey's Borta and his two-week ban.

Heroes or a bunch of fing sissies, whichever way you look at it.

I think that's about it for the bugle this week.

The forecast for this week is, will John have caught his plane in time, or did I manage to delay him sufficiently that he gets stuck at the airport instead?

I will find out next week.

Thanks for listening, buglers.

Do keep your emails coming into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Bye-bye.

This is a Times Online podcast.

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Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

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Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

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