Gordon Brown gets a bad dose of the quits

This is a Times Online podcast.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to Bugle number 77 for the week beginning Monday, June the 8th, 2009.

Yes, you heard me 2009, or at least I hope you heard me, because if you didn't hear that bit, we've got trouble for the rest of this podcast.

I'm Andy Zoltzmann here in the geographically confirmed city of London, and like a greedy worm, by which I mean he's right in the middle of the big apple.

It's the incredible, the inevitable, the unshreddable, the non-biodegradable.

Lance Corporal laughter himself, John Oliver.

Non-bi-I am definitely biodegradable.

Really?

That's a biological fact.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Buglers.

I'm back.

Back in the New York groove.

What, mate?

I don't know.

Here's what I did this week.

We had to write a piece on Dick Cheney this week after he denied that he ever thought there was a link between Iraq and 9-11.

And this meant I had to spend a day going through old Cheney transcripts of things he said over the last eight years.

And what this means is that I now have the answer to the question, what is the worst way for the human soul to spend the day?

Because it turns out, perhaps unsurprisingly, that almost everything that came out of that man's face was infuriating, antagonizing and depressing.

I bet he can't even order a coffee without making someone want to hit him with a shovel.

So it's been a good week then.

Well, apart from that, but you know, that has poisoned everything around it.

I've had quite a bad week, John.

I ordered a signal booster for my wireless modem a couple of weeks ago.

Okay, hold on.

Does this anecdote get any more interesting than that opening sentence?

Well, yeah, I mean, it does, because I need that so I can access facts quicker on the internet.

It's crucial for my responsibility.

What's the best for the Google?

Yeah.

And it's been two weeks since holding that.

It still hasn't arrived, John.

That's where the story gets interesting.

So it's been a pretty disastrous week.

But then, you know, I guess when you think about it objectively, you think about what people went through on the Normandy landing 65 years ago, it does, I guess, put it in perspective a bit.

And it should do.

But I still want my booster.

If I don't get it, I just dread to think what's going to happen.

I will say this, Andy, that listening to that story was my Normandy landing.

That felt like Omaha Beach.

It's just I've woken up every morning this week in tears, screaming, oh great Zeus, King of Olympus, God of Thunder, also God in charge of reasonable delivery times to small electrical accessories.

Why do you mock me so?

Of course you're not listening, Zeus, you're chasing tail again, you hound.

But on the plus side, there was a very entertaining guy on the train on the way in from

Streatham today,

on the way here, who was on the phone to, I think, possibly his girlfriend.

Anyway, he let out a resounding belch from the very depths of his soul and then said these words: All I'm saying is, canister and cricket bat, you do the math.

What?

What do we think the other end of that conversation was?

Could be one of life's great riddles.

As always, some sections of the bugle going straight in the bin this week.

It's a photography section in the bin, including features on how to take photos during minor earthquakes, the keys to shake your arms at exactly the same vibratory speed as the tremor.

How to take a perfect close-up portrait of a stranger on a bus without getting smacked in the face.

How to photograph wildlife on safari without getting eaten.

If you're sneaking up on a crocodile to get that shot when he bursts out of the water to catch a passing wildebeest.

Do not shout out, say cheese, until he already has his mouth full of wildebeest.

Also, we'll explain why red eye happens in photographs.

It's due to the presence of the devil in the soul of all beings.

And importantly, we'll also tell you why not all cameras are suitable for endoscopies.

Whoa,

if that saves one person from making that mistake, it was worth mentioning.

That's right.

Top story this week, putting the owl in Gordon Brown.

The Prime Minister of Britain, Andy, as you well know, is teetering on the brink of losing his job.

This truly has been one of the worst imaginable weeks for Gordon Brown.

Sure, it could have been slightly worse perhaps.

A tornado could have swept across Britain, demolishing the entire country to the floor.

But at least that would have rallied the British public behind their leader.

Except, even then, it would probably have turned out that it was somehow meteorologically his fault.

The man is cursed.

Andy, did he piss off a gypsy lady on the way to his first day at work as Prime Minister?

Because what's happened to him cannot surely just be summed up merely by professional incompetence.

He's like a buster Keaton film.

Everything around him is falling down and he just looks serenely bemused.

Well, I've got a joke for you, John.

What do you get when four cabinet ministers resign in the space of a week?

What?

A cabinet reshuffle.

Is this on?

Yeah, I think it's on.

I mean, I heard all of that.

So that deserve more.

Yeah.

Anyway.

But we are in a state of political upheaval, as you say, John.

The Labour government has not merely been shooting itself in the foot, it's been machine-gunning its entire lower legs from point-blank range.

The cabinet has had a very nasty dose of the quits.

I think it ate a dodgy opinion poll last week and it's gone right through them.

It's been like a game of resignation bingo.

John, eyes down, and our first cabinet minister to go is leaving forthwith.

It's Jackie Smith, the on-her-way home secretary.

And next out, the redhead whose political career is all but dead.

Expenses, smears mean she's out on her ears.

One short lady, Hazel Bliers, the release back into the community secretary.

And next out, it's been Perks and Tensions for the Work and Pension Secretary.

He couldn't keep it internal or wait to publish his journal.

Hell, it's James Purnell.

Next to go, he's not sitting on the fence, even though he's been in charge of defence.

Pussy the eject button, it's little Johnny Hutton.

Bingo!

Well, you enjoyed that.

I think that was...

Satire.

I'm so tired now.

That's audibly obvious.

Tired.

Three cabinet members resigned in three days, increasing calls for the Prime Minister himself to step down.

Jackie Smith, of course, she was the one who accidentally claimed for two pornographic films for her husband.

And that story is still funny.

Not only did he get his wife into trouble, but he's now lost her job and may even contribute to a change in government.

I really hope that whittle was worth it.

It may have been one of the most politically dramatic whittles ever whittled.

Maybe it was intentional.

Maybe as he sat on the sofa, with his trouserless legs illuminated by the flickerings on the TV screen, he thought to himself, this one's for you, Prime Minister.

It was like an act of masturbatory terrorism.

Shades of George Washington all over us.

The most recent minister, James Purnell, the Work and Pension Secretary, as you so rhymingly put it.

He's not most recent, John.

You're not up with the programme.

Hutton's gone since then.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

What?

Since I went to bed last night, another one bites the dust.

So are you getting your phone finger out?

I am.

Purnell said it was time for Gordon Brown to step aside and sent a letter to him explaining that, and I quote, I now believe your continued leadership makes a Conservative victory more, not less likely.

That would be disastrous for our country.

I mean, this wouldn't be a complete disaster for Gordon Brown, were it not for the fact that instead of mailing the letter to Gordon Brown the traditional private way, he had it published in a national newspaper.

I suppose he was just trying to save money on postage, Andy.

We are in a recession after all.

And this way he doesn't send it at the taxpayers' expense.

It's not self-serving, it's frugal.

Plus, he can be sure that it doesn't get lost in the post.

It's not disloyal, it's the height of responsibility.

I send all my letters via the front page of national newspapers these days.

And even thank you letters.

Dear mum and dad, thanks for lunch on Sunday.

It was great to see you looking so well.

More insight.

Pages 2-8.

It has been like rats jumping off a sinking ship, this Andy.

They're still going to drown, but I suppose this way at least it's on their terms.

Jackie Smith stepped down, but did endorse Brown's leadership.

Hazel Plears left and notably did not back the Prime Minister.

Then Purnell, well he absolutely quat himself, John.

He called publicly for Brown to step down just to give the Labour Party at least a snowball's chance in a polit particularly toasty day in hell of winning the next election.

And then to cap it all, just this morning on Friday as we record, John Hutton said he now preferred spending time with his family to top level politics.

Although if you didn't prefer that nowadays, you would have to have an extremely low caliber family.

And in the midst of all this, John, we've had the local and European elections on Thursday, at which it appears almost no one voted for the government.

But then again, almost no one voted for anyone.

Because, frankly, I think the British public's attitude towards the democracy now has become so disillusioned as to be essentially, if we ignore it, maybe it will go away.

So where does this leave the government?

I guess that's the question.

Well, frankly, it's f.

And they could get Britain out of recession in a month.

They could win another war against Germany, and frankly, people would still want them out.

Because the British public, John, when judging its politicians now, is not likely to garner its evidence from, for example, politics, because it's boring and complicated.

So it's much easier to take your judgments based on easily digestible maximum five-word newspaper headlines.

Yes.

And that's...

It is easier, Andy.

You have to give that to the British.

It is easier than actually thinking about the issues.

A Prime Minister's questions.

Gordon Brown could not have been any more of a sitting duck if he dressed as a mallard, filled the floor of the House of Commons with water, paddled to the dispatch box, quacked, laid an egg, eaten some stale bread, painted a target on his chest, handed a loaded crossbow to David Cameron, told him how to aim it and fire it, then nailed his ass to his seat on the front bench and said, go on, but please make it quick.

And yet David Cameron's performance was frankly a dismal indictment of the entirety of British politics.

It was pathetic from soup to nuts.

All he did was say, can we have our general election now?

Oh, please, I want a general election.

He effectively said nothing, John, and he said it over and over again.

But I guess from the Conservatives' point of view, why change a non-losing formula?

This is competition in British politics at the moment to have the least negative popularity, and the Conservatives are happy to sit on their current lack of antipathy, as if by engaging in debate they might break the magic spell that has them heading towards a landslide of almost Kim Jong-il proportions, even though people really don't like them.

I think it must have been a solid month now since Cameron last opened his mouth without saying we need a general election.

I think his wife must be getting really bored of it.

David, would you like rice krispies or Cocoa Pots for breakfast?

I want a general election, please.

I'm not going to the supermarket again.

Go on, have Coco Pox.

There's a free little plastic transformer in the packet.

Wow, I want a general election.

I'm not eating Coco Pops.

Business Secretary Lord Mandelson has urged Labour MPs to rally behind the Prime Minister whilst acknowledging that they are in, as he put it, a grumbly mood.

Grumbly mood?

And they're close to dragging Gordon Brown through the street of London on the back of a horse.

I think we passed Grumbly about six months ago.

Isn't this why fixed-term elections, Andy, would be a good idea to stop exactly this bleating of, oh, I want one, oh, I want.

Because whilst America may have flaws in its flamboyant democracy and its elections may be spread over a long time, what we spread over a long time is people wanting elections.

Yeah, but the only people who want elections are the people who are going to be elected.

Yeah, this is the problem.

It's not democracy, Andy.

I'll tell you who I blame, John.

I don't even blame the politicians.

I think they've inherited a system that's been sick for ages.

It's been coughing up some pretty unhealthy-looking democratic phlegm for years.

We've just chosen to ignore it.

Only recently, someone's looked in its handkerchief and realised that it should have been hospitalised decades ago.

I don't even blame the people, John, you know, that we're not that interested, you know, as a nation.

Clearly, recent evidence has shown that an unusual-looking woman singing quite well will always be less boring than a man in a suit talking about fishing quotas.

I guess that's human nature.

I blame the ancient Greeks, John, because they puked this democracy idea into the public domain.

It's times like this, John, that you just wish the Persians had put in a few extra days on the training field before losing to Leonidas and his 300 teammates at Thermophyla.

There you go, your beauty degree.

It happened.

It happened, Andy.

It's worth it.

Hussein News Now and Barack Hussein.

Obama traveled to the Middle East this week, Anthony, to deliver a major speech to the Muslim world in Cairo.

And that middle name, which had looked like political kryptonites, all of a sudden became an astonishingly useful tool.

Now this speech was designed to reach out to the world's 1.5 billion Muslims and the eyes of the world were truly on him.

Incidentally, that's prime advertising space right there, Anthony.

He must have had offers.

Very attractive offers.

just to pause mid speech and maybe take a bite of a snickers bar so pardon me it's just this bar really satisfies or maybe gotten just last week i was listening to the bugle and listen

it wasn't for want of emailing andy

maybe could have taken a drink before holding it up and smiling awkwardly into the audience but you know in his defense he didn't do that He began his journey in Saudi Arabia and before he'd even landed, everyone's favourite giant kidney patient bin Laden opted to release his latest audio tape he hasn't had one out for three months so you know clearly there's been some creative clashes in the studio hotly anticipated this andy was hoping it might signal a change of direction for the big lad maybe some strings backing him or some more experimental sounds that he'd been working on but no no once again he's just sticking to the formula that got him famous just one man talking some hateful shit into a microphone Don't overthink it, Andy.

That has been the motto for his entire life.

He's kind of like the ISIS of international terrorism.

Don't overthink it.

He argued that Obama is continuing Bush's policy of antagonizing Muslims, but he's going to have to come up with some better stuff than that now.

He's been able to sit back for the last eight years and let Bush sow the seeds of anti-Americanism around the world.

But now he's going to have to get off his bony ass and make a case that is better than, oh, just listen to what that Texan lunatic who isn't actually a Texan is saying.

And in this message, he said,

Obama and the administration have sown new seeds of hatred against America.

Let the American people prepare to harvest the crops of what the leaders of the White House plant in the next blah blah blah blah blah blah but he has completely run out of ideas.

It's like doing a cover version of Chris DeBerg's Don't Pay the Ferryman.

The original was already terrible.

You've managed to make it worse.

It was a very striking speech, John.

I particularly enjoyed the moment at the starts when there was obviously quite a large reception, but certainly on the feed I was watching, there was no audio coming through from the crowds.

And Abon was standing there just going, Thank you, thank you, and it really sounded ironic.

That would have been great

if we'd already had that planned out and just thought, I'll just do it anyway, into absolute silence.

We'll add the applause in later.

Thank you.

I love you too.

Well, you complain about Bin Laden having the same shtick over and over again, but all I heard from Abon was the same old freedom, justice, peace, hope, bicycle, you know, change ledisque.

We've heard it all before.

There was instant engineered controversy, Andy, when Obama first landed, when he met King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, as the American press debated whether or not he was going to bow to him.

Now, he'd apparently bowed when the two men met at the G20 that the White House insisted.

I like this excuse.

He was actually just shaking hands with a different, shorter man.

Just say he dropped his keys.

Come on.

The other sticking point was that he'd said shukran after the initial meeting, the Arabic for thank you.

And apparently that was tantamount to kneeling on the floor and begging for mercy.

Is that really a shocking gesture?

Or is that just above the base level of politeness and what you would think would be the minimum level of diplomacy?

He actually got to stay on the king's horse farm, Andy Obama, where the king keeps 260 Arabian horses in air-conditioned comfort.

Horses do not need air conditioning, Andy.

I'll tell you why.

Because they're f ⁇ ing horses.

I don't know, John.

You know, if you want them to be tasty, eventually, you've got to keep them well.

Otherwise, they're not good for much more than stewing.

Obama was very careful to lower expectations, saying one speech is not going to solve all the problems of the Middle East.

Expectations should be somewhat modest.

Well, too late, Andy.

And also, it's not entirely true.

This may well be the biggest opportunity in our lifetimes for anyone helping over there, an American president with Muslim connections in power.

We'll probably never see such scenes of excitement greeting a US president's arrival.

People shouted, I love you during his speech.

It was like what he was like he was one of the Osmonds about to launch into a rendition of Puppy Love.

One of the Osmonds.

Who am I kidding, Andy?

It would be Donnie.

There'd be a riot if anyone else tried to pull that off.

Yeah, I've seen the tattoo on your back.

You're a big fan.

He's so likable.

Street vendors were even selling souvenirs.

I don't know if you saw them.

There was this one plaque that said, Obama, the new Tutankhamun card caboon of the world.

Presumably, they want to pull his brains out through his nose and bury him with his cats.

How Obama, you know, he did challenge the Muslim world quite a bit during the speech, and particularly on the subject of women's rights, John, which is clearly a big issue

around the world.

And I think, you know, we're in a bugle, we need to look at ourselves here because we're not really an equal opportunity employer when it comes to gender equality.

And I think if we're going to represent the world that we purport to represent in this podcast, then one of us is going to have to be a woman, or each of us is going to have to be half a woman.

It's more than that, Andy.

One of us would have to be a woman, and the other one would have to be 1% woman.

All right.

Well, I'm already that.

But I'm prepared to act.

Obama told the people of the world we have to act.

It's not just up to politicians, it's up to the people.

And well, I'm prepared to act.

Tom, can you pass my mini chainsaw, please?

Uh-oh.

Andy, think this through.

ouch.

Well, it's a start.

Tune in next week for the official unveiling of John's Hooters.

The speech itself was the longest of Obama's presidency so far.

55 minutes, Andy, over 6,000 words.

He opened saying Salaamu Alaikum as the right wing of America's heads blew off

in anger and I told you so.

He also quoted the Quran three times to loud sustained applause and more heads blowing off.

I don't know how he does that, John.

I've tried quoting the Quran in my gigs.

I never get anything.

It's all about the audience, I guess.

That itself, though, Andy, is making history.

An American president quoting the Quran and not in the context of how terrible it is.

Obama actually flopped some Arabic words.

The word hijab.

meaning headscarf of course

instead he said hijib and all in all arabic speakers said that obama went four for six on the trip in pronouncing his Arabic words.

That is, well, it's still six more swings than his predecessors, Andy.

And he's still batting over 500.

That's not bad.

And anyway, maybe that was his gesture of pacifying right-wing critics back home.

I'll speak Arabic, but I'll mispronounce it.

They'll be both flattered and insulted.

International politics is such a balancing act.

All things to all men, John.

He was very anxious during the speech to cite the influence of Muslims in both the world and in the U.S.

He said, since our founding, American Muslims have enriched the United States.

They've fought in our wars, served in government, stood for civil rights, started businesses, taught at our universities, excelled in our sports arenas, won Nobel Prizes, built our tallest building, and lit the Olympic torch.

It may be me being oversensitive, Handy.

I would stay away from referencing tall buildings in a speech like that.

It really was a speech of firsts.

He was also the first president to admit the US role in the 1953 CIA-led coup of Iran.

He said in the middle of the Cold War, the United States played a role in the overthrow of a democratically elected Iranian government.

See?

That only took 56 years to say, honey, that's not that bad.

It's nice that they've had something to look forward to all this time, the Iranians.

In fact, what we should do is we should get countries an advent calendar now every time we do something terrible to them with 56 boxes to open.

Now, little pictures behind them, little quotations, some jokes, maybe the odd piece of chocolate here and there.

They can open one a year, and behind the doors on the 56th will just be the words, I'm sorry.

This speech was broadcast around the world but not in Iran where the government jammed signals to block satellite customers from watching.

Oh f you Iran.

Have an apology on my desk in 56 years time.

What Neil Armstrong said on the moon news now and detailed analysis of the audio from the alleged moon landings in 1969.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

alleged moon landings Andy do you want to just explain that?

Well I'm just saying I don't know yet whether or not that the objects around that circle around the earth is actually a moon

exactly people say it's a moon John could just be a confused asteroid.

Well I thought you were going in a different direction there Andy but you know you really are a doubter.

Yeah.

Well Armstrong of course famously said one small step for man one giant step for mankind.

But he's always claimed that what he actually said was one small step for a man,

one giant step for mankind.

And the analysis of the audio has suggested that although he probably did mean to say that, he didn't actually say it.

You know, maybe they could have done a retake, John, at the time.

The director of that particular production could have said, right, retake, everyone.

Can we go back to the beginning of the final descent, please, guys?

Let's nail this.

This is a big moment.

That's right, as officers.

Sorry, guys.

God, I'm such an ass.

Sorry, Buzz.

Sorry, Buzz.

Can we just write it on the inside of my helmet?

I'll just be able to read it.

I had it.

I was saying to myself on the way down, one small step for a man.

But this one giant step for mankind, John.

If you look at the history of space travel since then, we've never gone further than mankind.

So just, although it was a giant step for mankind, I believe it was too giant a step for mankind pulled a hamstring.

But also, the speech was better that way, Andy.

It's more poetic.

Now, so many speeches have been improved by mistakes.

The Martin Luther King speech, I have a dream, was originally supposed to be, I had this really weird dream.

It was much better.

John F.

Kennedy's famous speech, Ich bin ein Berliner, which itself was a mistake.

It actually meant I'm a donut in German, could have been a lot worse.

He was actually supposed to say, Ich bin ein Bauhaus, meaning I'm an architecturally experimental house made from metal or glass.

When Jesus said, forgive them, father, they know not what they do.

He forgot to say, I'm not kidding you, father.

These people are idiots.

But he was too busy saying ow Jesus Christ that hurts and then up scratch that father these people do seem to know what they're doing ow

it means to me that Armstrong was almost talking in the third person not far away from saying this is one small step for Neil Armstrong yeah but it's the right step for Neil Armstrong to take at this stage of Neil Armstrong's astronautical career

Either that or he was just taunting Buzz Aldrin.

This is one small step for Neil Armstrong.

One very frustrating step for Buzz Aldrin, right, Buzz?

Right, I know you're in there, and I know you can hear this.

This has got a sting, hasn't it, Buzz?

Very lucky, actually, John, that he got that speech in the right order, because if you read the transcript of what he said subsequently, he said such memorable, notable poetic statements as, this is very interesting, it's a very soft surface, but here and there where I plug with the contingency sample collector, I run into a very hard surface.

Which is not quite as memorable, is it?

And then later on, he said,

it's different, but it's very very pretty out here.

Now, if that had been the first thing he'd said when he stepped off the

would that have been remembered?

That would have been absolutely fantastic.

He steps down, it's different, but it's very pretty out here.

What, it is.

I've got to tell you, I never thought I'd be standing on the moon, and yet here I am, I'm on it.

I'm like, wow.

Your emails now, and this very important email comes comes in from Felicia Bagwandin in Scarborough, Ontario, Canada, who writes, Dear sirs, I'm going swimming today.

Wee!

Thanks for your time.

Well, thank you, Felicia.

I guess if you're going swimming, it's best to let someone know that you've gone, just in case you're not back in time.

So, if anyone else is going on an errand that they think has a potentially fatal conclusion, do let us know when you're leaving.

And if we've not heard from you within a week, we'll send out a search party.

There's an email here from Chris Hansen.

He's written in about North Korea.

He says, gentlemen, this response to your recent story about the leader of North Korea's home and more specifically regarding his massive water slide.

John, I believe you suggested that the whole world would chip in to buy him a wave machine.

However, as I think you'll find after you read this article from 2002, he's already got one.

It's true.

He also has a bar, a karaoke machine, a surfboard with a motor on it, and an attractive nurse and assistant that swim without a motor around at all times.

He's in the pool.

He also has a movie theater.

This is a Time article.

You get this.

It was his bodyguard.

And he said, when his bodyguard first saw his boss bodyboarding in a private indoor swimming pool, he knew not to show his reaction, but it was a scene he could hardly forget.

Kim Yong-il, North Korea's current leader, in a bathing cap, splashing around in a seven-story pleasure palace equipped with bar, karaoke machine, mini-movie theater, everything a deer leader could want.

The ground floor had an enormous swimming pool with a wave machine.

Kim liked to get on a bodyboard, fit it with a small motor, and tool around in the artificial waves.

A pretty nurse and female doctor always accompanied him in a pool, swimming under their own power.

Well, again, that's good safety precaution.

He's weird, Andy.

Well, yeah, you say that.

But you know, if he's not a strong swimmer, it's good to have medical stuff available.

But it does sound give it a couple of thousand years, someone is going to make a lavishly budgeted semi-pornographic film about him.

Absolutely.

He is the collegular of our times, John, only more so.

And this email came from Francis Francis Breen in NI, which I'm guessing is Northern Ireland.

Andy and John, I have an English exam tomorrow.

I can think of no better thing to do than email the bugle.

That is the best way, that is the best form of revision.

You've got an English exam, you're going to need to write.

Better way to practice writing is by writing.

So that's very good.

Anyway, it's on the subject of the word badassery that we talked about last week.

And Francis writes, Well, just last week, Andy invented a new word.

While John mistook it for a faux pas, I saw it for what it was.

Yes, badassery is a a real word, not to be confused with a clearly hyphenated badassery.

I took responsibility upon myself and came up with some definitions for this new word.

I do hope it catches on.

He suggests these definitions for badassery: one, a collective term for a group of puffins.

Yes, seems perfectly reasonable.

Good.

Two, a quaint 19th-century shop specialising in the sale of ornate walking sticks.

Yep.

I'm just off down to the bedassery, dear.

My stick got a crack in it.

My hip's giving me a bit of jip.

Yeah, get it.

Yeah, I've got to go and see my bedassa.

A scepter belonging to the Ottoman Empire carried by the Grand Vizier.

A technical foul in lacrosse when a substitute steals another player's cross.

Implemented after the famous badassery gates at the 1908 Olympics between Canada and Team GB.

My wife played a bit of lacrosse in her school days, and she said there was an awful lot of badassery and some of the house matches got quite bitchy.

One of my old girlfriends played lacrosse.

Testified.

And she was

tough, tough player.

Or finally, the act of making up bogus definitions in the form of emails for comic effects.

There you go, lovely self-referential conclusion.

Excellent email, Francis.

Good luck with your exam.

You can have, even if you fail your exam, you have a technical pass from the bugle.

Well done.

So do keep your emails flooding in, and there will, of course, be yet another bugle blog this week.

I've noticed a slightly narcissy tone coming into some of your emails and comments on the vlog page about my

relative failure to write the blog.

I guess, you know, it's not relative, actually.

It's just it's a it's an actual literal failure.

Well, I don't know, John.

I mean, you know, I I write it, I just I just choose to write it in my head for myself, John.

I don't you know, I'm an artist.

That's not what you're promising.

I don't necessarily need to put my art in the public domain.

Well, that'll definitely be one next week.

I'm a bit less busy now.

Look, the kitchen's nearly done.

Sport now.

And what a week in sport, John.

Raphael Nadell lost at Roland Garras.

That has not happened since the Romans conquered France.

By which I mean it's never happened before.

So it's all set for Federer to take his place as the king of all-time tennis, John.

Is America excited about this?

Yeah, pretty excited.

You know, pretty about as excited as I can get without an American being involved.

That's good.

Yeah.

Well, you know, you have to understand that he's not very excited.

Well, Roger Federer has the official backing of the bugle for the rest of the French

wicket.

Oh, listen, he's been bugle endorsed his whole career, even before there was a bugle.

But of course, in America, I'd imagine imagine all eyes on the nba finals john absolutely andy the nba finals began on thursday night and it is not the kobe bryant lebron james matchup that the fans the league and the sponsors wanted this is because the cleveland cavaliers got beaten in the previous round by the orlando magic but for me the biggest loss andy obviously not that lebron james did not get a chance to play on the big stage it's that and you know this really should come As no surprise to buglers have heard the last couple of weeks.

It's that Delante West did not get the opportunity.

Because if he can be that weird in the regular season, you can only imagine what he'd have come up with in the finals.

We were cheated out of it.

Did he say anything after defeat, John?

No.

Yep, the NBA finals started on First.

It was a bit of a surprise, John, because I thought they finished just under a year ago, but apparently not.

Anyway, it's the Lakers against the Magic.

Now, of course, our British listeners

who we don't know a lot about basketball over here.

In fact, we're not allowed to play basketball due to a little-known sub-clause of the Magna Carta from the year 1215.

King John, King at the time, as a concession to the various monarchy-restricting measures in the Magna Carta, was allowed to ban basketball, a sport he'd hated ever since childhood, due to having been slammed-dunked down a latrine shaft in the Tower of London as a small boy by his elder brother Richard the Lionheart.

So we're not allowed to play basketball here, but there is a British link to both of these teams.

The Lakers, of course, were named after the great post-war period English cricketer Jim Laker.

And up until the 1970s, the Lakers actually played in full cricket whites and only accepted points for baskets scored with throws that were spinning in a clockwise direction, like Lakers' famous off-spinners.

And of course the magic was so-called because the club was formed when a magic trick went wrong.

Early 20th century Scottish magician, the phenomenonic Nodgerer, was trying his signature trick of turning a rabbit into a kid's tricycle by hitting it with a saucepan and whirling his arms and one remaining leg around in a wheel-like motion, when he inadvertently knocked over a tune of pink lolonium tetracrapate, a deadly chemical which the Nodgerer used to vaporise his female assistants.

The liquid spilt on the Nodgerer's electronic groin, a relic of a World War I urinating and no man's land injury, and part of his famous spectacular finale called the Hugescent Humpatron.

And he then exploded.

When the dust settled and the smoke cleared, all that was left of the Nodger on the stage was a fully formed basketball team, bouncing a ball, looking for a basket, and complaining about not being paid enough.

They thus became known as the Glasgow Magic Trix.

Later dropped the word tricks from their name after they were sued by another Glasgow Magic Trix, a bunch of, well, strangely talented ladies of the night who made Socky Hall Street simultaneously the most feared and sought-after night spot in Europe for six frantic years in the 1920s.

The Glasgow Magic, of course, became Orlando Magic after Glasgow City Council sold the franchise to the state of Florida in 1948 in exchange for a consignment of 50 alligators from the Everglades, which the Scottish authorities intended to use for crowd control at Rangers v Celtic football matches.

But the reptiles were so terrified by the fierce sectarian rivalry that was intermittently interrupted by a football match that they scuttled off without so much as taking a nibble, last seen living wild in the River Clyde, pretending to be canoes.

Pretty sure that's the story behind the name of the Orlando Magic.

Just time now for the Bugle forecast.

And John, well, the forecast is by the time he records Bugle 78 next week, will Britain still have a Prime Minister?

Or will the Queen be standing on the roof of Buckingham Palace waving Gordon Brown's head around screaming?

And if any of the rest of you so much as urinate out of line, I'll lop your bonses off too.

B.

B.

Gordon Brown's head in one hand, machine gun in the other, just unloading it into the air.

So to play play us out this week, and I feel like a DJ.

I felt like a DJ.

Do I look like a DJ?

No.

This comes in from Ethan Duffy, who's remixed something that you might recognize from an earlier bugle under the title Boffin in a Coffin.

See you next week.

Take it away, Bandmaster.

There has to be, for me, it has to be Florence Martingale.

The ladies who are in the land, one of them gives me crap.

When I see Naji Hill in a Nazi, looking classy, feel so ratchy, I got such words

Desert my Florence and I'm cooling in Torrent Bitch, my gut still nursed in her in the copping class could be giving her a bopping I want more for my Grammy's wars I went back

in time

To make her mine Back to 1860 To see if that nurse can fit me Tend my walls Cause patent is for you Block my candle off my handling Cause a scandal Najeen girl, you put the whip in my cell She's tall, she's a mystery, she's a holiday history So I'm gonna go to the floor

Wow

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