Does Kim Jong Il have the grapes to start a war?

This is a Times Online podcast.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to Bugle 76 for the week beginning Monday, the 1st of June, 2009, with me, me, Andy Zaltzman, here in the literally inescapable city of London and in the geologically flawed city of San Francisco.

How many tectonic plates does it take to make you have to change a light bulb to that one and that one when they get frisky with each other?

Well, it's the self-styled Jams a Heb of jokes, the Maharaja of mirth, the Chatra Party of Cheer, the Polygar of Punchlines, the Rao Bahadur of Revelry.

Wow.

And hotly disputed middleweight champion of the world.

It's Lieutenant Laughter himself, John Oliver.

Hello, Andy, and hello, buglers.

I'm in San Francisco, Andy.

I'm amongst the beflowered hippies of California.

These high-taxed, un-American, pinko-liberal extremists are either going to hell or they're going to heaven if heaven turns out to be exactly like hell.

I've been on tour, as you know, Andy, all this week.

Going down south and saying the things I've been saying for three years to their face.

I've seen some amazing things this week.

I was in North Carolina and in my hotel there was a comic convention and you've never ridden in an elevator Andy until you've ridden in one with socially awkward teenagers with swords and a man dressed up in a full giant rabbit suit.

I don't think a rabbit is a superhero.

There was no cape.

I think he was just using it as an excuse to wear a massive rabbit suit.

Good luck to him.

Good luck to him.

Also

hello to all the buglers.

There's been a lot of buglers have been coming along to these gigs, including some people in Nashville who wore Hotties from History t-shirts Andy they'd made gold on black yeah it was pretty good I've got to say it was pretty good people I think I like the fact people are making their own merchandise seeing as we're not selling any

it's not supply and demand it's just demand and then self-supply that's the capitalist dream as it should work so just a quick bit of housekeeping before we get going there will be a world record attempt at some point of this bugle whoa I'll just leave that floating well yeah I mean it is it's in the air, so it's all I'm thinking about now.

How many golf balls can you fit in your mouth, Andrew?

My mouth.

Anyway, this is Bugle 76, of course.

76, John, very important number in law around the world.

Really?

76 is the speed limit in kilometres an hour for unicyclists on Canadian roads.

What?

Also, the maximum number of

maximum number of wives you're legally allowed to take on the same aeroplane flight under Belgian law.

It's the maximum degrees of elevation from the horizontal that you're entitled to spit in public in Kazakhstan.

Yeah.

And also the number of consecutive times you're allowed to be found innocent in a Portuguese court before you have to be found guilty of something.

All facts.

That's right.

All facts.

76.

Also, the number of times Jesus nearly drowned before he learned how to walk on water.

And in fact, you've had a 76-piece orchestra playing you on and off at all your gigs, haven't you?

I have, and it's just something.

I like to know that they're there.

And, you know, after each joke, I get them to do a rim shot on a Tom-Tom.

I beg your pardon.

June the 1st, the 35th anniversary of the Heimlich manoeuvre.

This is a fact.

No, no, you're the boy who's cried fact, Andy.

Found this on the internet, you know.

It's the 35th anniversary of Heimlich publishing how to do his manoeuvre.

He claimed to have invented it, the controversial physician Henry J.

Heimlich.

Some dispute over whether or not he actually invented it.

That's no joke.

If it was your idea and he got all the credit, well, it would really stick in your throat, wouldn't it?

Just warming up.

Sorry, that was, I admit that was abdominal.

Anyway, I'm like, amongst his other theories, he's advocated the use of malaria as a treatment for cancer and AIDS.

Oh.

Now, I'm not a scientist, John, but that sounds like quite a bad idea.

Without wanting to use the term obvious crackpot, there is something about fighting a major disease by giving yourself another major disease that just doesn't feel quite right.

He should have cashed in his chips after the whole fish bone out of the throat.

Treating AIDS with malaria, John, to me is along the lines of dealing with losing your favourite socks by chainsawing your feet off.

So in fact we are recording on the Friday the 29th of May at the exact time 56 years ago that Hillary and Tensing became the first joint man to reach the top of Mount Everest.

A mountain so tall that from the top if you take a good pair of binoculars with you you can see straight into the Queen's bathroom at Windsor Castle.

Hello.

Well it explains why Ranald Fienes kept trying to get up to the top.

It was recent became the oldest British man to conquer the big E unit at his third attempt, but was it worth it?

All he could see was a steamed up window.

What a disappointment.

He had a heart attack on the way up once.

She wasn't going to change in front of the window like Cameron Diaz in there, something about Mary.

She's not going to put on a show.

She's a classy lady.

Puts the blinds down.

Maybe just a little peek.

God.

At least you didn't have to see Prince Philip doing his morning calisthenics.

As always, some sections of the Bugle go straight in the bin, including, I'll have some of that.

It's the Bugle summer section.

Celsius or Fahrenheit.

How to get the most out of your thermometer.

We'll be having an interview with the president of the Fahrenheit Foundation, who says how can 90 degrees not be hotter than 33?

Also

thing is that makes sense Andy.

It just can't be it's it's nearly triple

also in the summer section in the bin the do's and don'ts of sunbathing do not sunbathe in any of the following places the line enclosure in any major zoo that's asking for trouble especially if they do tend to like their food underdone platform two at newark northgate station what's the point you'll catch better rays on platform four the planet mercury too close to the sun or in a secret underground dungeon, safe but pointless.

And also, a commuting in the summer feature: how to evoke misery, resentment, and simmering anger at the way your life has panned out with one sweaty flick of the corner of a newspaper on a crowded train.

In the bed,

top story this week: they got the power.

That's better.

There has been some tremendous nuke news this past week, Andy.

It's another one step forward and 35 giant steps back in international relations with North Korea.

Kim Yong-il, aka Captain Crazy, aka Deputy Douche, aka the Prince of Pandemonium, has conducted a major underground nuclear test explosion which could be felt in Chinese villages 130 miles away.

And you know the pattern now, Andy.

Kim Yong-il flouts international law and leaders around the world line up to deliver some stern, empty rebukes.

President Obama stood on the White House steps and said that North Korea pose a grave threat to the peace and security of the world and I strongly condemn their reckless action.

And he wasn't alone.

World leaders have responded with nouns, adjectives and verbs of unprecedented harshness.

Even Moscow and Beijing pointed fingers at Pyongyang, with China expressing its resolute opposition to the test, and defense officials in Russia said it was an explosion up to 20 kilotons making it comparable to the American bombs that flattened Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945.

Well how did North Korea respond to this unanimous public scolding Andy?

They fired two more missiles just a few hours later.

Seems like that message really got through to them.

Who knows?

Maybe they were planning to fire off 50 missiles but were so ashamed of their current behavior they reduced it to a trifling two instead.

I guess we'll just never know.

Right, here goes.

Strap in.

This is the world record attempt, John.

The Bugle, as we know, is a broadsheet audio newspaper that addresses the big issue seriously and with intellectual rigour.

Yes.

But how do you think the Bugle would report this story if it were a tabloid only interested in headlines containing wordplays?

Uh-oh.

Well, I think what we'd have to say in that situation would be.

Let me just buckle up first.

Okay.

John, is this situation careering out of control?

If so, how Kim?

The issue is getting complicated.

It's like a jungle.

It's getting Pyong the pale.

Oh, yang it all.

The situation is chonjin all the time.

Chonjin is a city in northeast North Korea.

Hey, Kim, if you're listening, Haiju, wish you'd grow up.

Haiju, also a North Korean city.

You loser.

The Yalu River is on the border between North Korea and China.

I tell you, I'm not happy about this.

Amnok is the Korean name for the Yalu River.

And you are to blame.

Anju is another city.

You've been very Silla.

Silla, an ancient Korean kingdom.

Now, just you hang on a minute.

Give me one good reason we should let you get away with this.

Hangul is the Korean alphabet.

The one is the North Korean currency.

Call me here and say that.

Self-explanatory.

Actually don't.

I wouldn't want to be Sinoidu in public.

Sinuidu, that's another North Korean city.

Oh, Kim On, you're being a total cult.

You better sling it and fast.

Horiyong now.

Horiong, that's another city.

This friendship, this friendship, daidong the vine.

Daidong, that's a river.

Okay, now bike do you in America, John?

Bike do, that's a big North Korean mountain.

What'd you reckon?

God.

See Jong, it wasn't that difficult.

See Jong, that was a 15th century Korean mountain.

So I'll leave it to you now.

Gojong.

Gojong, of course, the first emperor of the Korean Empire.

22 North Korea-based puns, John.

What record are you trying to break there?

Most North Korean-based puns.

Not number of suicides during a joke.

Either way, you're going to get on the podium.

Well, congratulations, Andy.

Thanks, Mike.

Could hear the pride in your voice as they were spewing out like a bullshit waterfall.

Susan Rice.

I'll change the subject.

Susan Rice, the US ambassador to the UN, said that North Korea will pay a price for their actions.

But hold on, hold on here.

What price exactly are we planning on invoicing them?

Sanctions aren't going to do any good.

We've tried them.

The people of North Korea already live in extreme poverty.

It's going to be very difficult to make life much worse for them in the Hail Mary hope that they might turn on the leadership they've been brainwashed to worship.

So the big question seems to be why?

Why do this now?

What benefit do you gain from pissing off the entire world?

Let's remember, even China and Russia are against this.

Do you know how hard it is to piss the entire world off?

You're usually able to get some people on your side, even if it's just to piss the other side off.

In a way, this is a huge achievement for North Korea.

Could it be that the next world war is going to be every single nation on the planet against North Korea?

The UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said he was deeply worried by this development and in the way the world is now, he must have replaced the chair in his office with the toilet.

It's just easier.

That way, every time his phone rings, he's ready to respond in the appropriate way.

Hold on a second, I've got Iran on the line.

Just give me five minutes.

I guess so, objectively, though, John, we shouldn't get too fussed about this.

I mean, we've had 56 years of peace in Korea now in the Korean Peninsula.

So I guess we can't really complain if this now spills over to a global nuclear holocaust.

But I have to say, the timing's not great.

I just really hope it doesn't kick off before the Ashes series is finished.

It's the most eagerly awaited cricket series in England for four years.

It would be such a shame if it was overshadowed by the destruction of humanity.

Well, at least you've got everything in perspective, Andy.

That's the important thing.

That's right.

But there was a statement issued by the Korean People's Army this week, quite an entertaining statement, and they use these exact words.

Those who provoke the Democratic People's Republic of Korea once will not be able to escape its unimaginable and merciless punishment.

That rather defeats the rather kind of dry press releases put out by other militaries around the world.

It does raise two points, John.

One, maybe we shouldn't take it too seriously.

I mean, we all say things in the heat of the moment during a squabble that we later regret.

I mean, just the other day I was having a bit of a domestic with the wife.

She said I couldn't have an ice cream until I'd eaten my vegetables and that I wasn't allowed to watch telly until I'd tidied my bedroom.

And I got a bit angry and said, you will not be able to escape my unimaginable and merciless punishment, darling.

It'll be swift and deadly, and generations to come will look upon the devastating devastation unleashed by my mighty power and quake with fear and dread, honey bunch.

Please come and have that ice cream now.

So I'm sure the Korean People's Army is just a bit overstressed, John.

I understand.

They spend a lot of time marching around in uniform parading stuff, but never actually getting to use it.

So it's understandable they're a bit crotchety.

But to me, that statement by the Korean People's Army, John, that sounds like a challenge.

Those who provoke the Democratic People's Republic of Korea once will not be able to escape its unimaginable and merciless punishment.

That is a challenge, John.

Are they all mouth and no trousers, or some mouth and a pair of pantaloons?

Well, let's let's find out.

Let's issue an official bugle provocation to the Democratic Republic of Korea.

Are you sure this is a good idea, Anne?

I just want to see what they're made of, John.

I'm just saying he's wound pretty tight, that guy.

Yeah, but I don't think they've got the internet there, so I think we'll probably be all right.

Oh, okay.

So, uh, okay, Democratic People's Republic of Korea, let's start with your name.

Well, that's a pile of shit for a start.

I mean, most countries that actually use democracy and give a flying f ⁇ about their people don't feel the need to proclaim it in their name.

Now, I admit that is a bit rich coming from someone in the United Kingdom, not particularly United.

Doesn't have a king at the moment, but the point stands.

Anyway, North Korea, your weapons testing programme is bullshit.

GCE standard missiles at best.

Your economy is so bad even Robert Mugabe wouldn't wash his balls in it.

Your people look like they're bored of having been stuck at home for 50-odd years.

Your leader is not pretty enough to carry off having his picture so prominently and ubiquitously displayed.

Your football team's done nothing since fluking it into the 1966 World Cup quarterfinals.

You wouldn't even know which end of a cricket bat to hold, let alone how to play a textbook cover drive with it.

All in all, Democratic People's Republic of Korea, I wouldn't live in you you if you were the last nation on earth, not without serious and wide-ranging reforms over entire socio-political systems and a more mature and conciliatory attitude towards foreign affairs.

Come and get me.

Come and get me.

That's a smackdown, Andy.

It's like watching 8-mile.

I sit back and await your unimaginable and merciless punishment with interest.

Maybe it's possible that this is all just a cry for attention, Andy.

Kim Yong-il is acting like a slighted toddler, seeing all the attention that Obama's giving the Middle East and starting to throw his loudest toys out of the pram.

But maybe this is just a tantrum.

North Korea has become an unruly unruly child.

We've tried everything with them.

We tried punishment, the Korean War in the early 50s.

We've tried completely ignoring them, but they've survived the longest naughty corner isolation imaginable.

And then we've tried rewarding them with disarmament incentives, but they haven't really responded to that either.

We clearly need a kind of international super nanny to come in and teach them some manners.

One thing's for sure, we aren't going to do anything about this.

And that is a difficult position to negotiate from.

And the reason that we're not going to do anything is that not only do they have nuclear weapons, they also have a million troops on the South Korean border.

The incredible thing about this, they really have nothing to protect.

They're one of the most impoverished groups of citizens on the planet.

Most of the country doesn't have electricity.

It's like putting the most expensive security system ever made on an empty house.

It's such a shame though because things were looking so good.

North and South Korea had their first formal talks for more than a year at the end of April and they lasted these talks an entire 22 minutes.

Now that might sound like a catastrophically short time but you clearly don't realize how low the bar is between these two.

Anything better than a meeting ending in a fist fight is a major step forward and this meeting had been delayed for four hours because of a row over the venue and agenda.

That is never a good sign Andy if you're already arguing before you get into the room about what room to argue in it's hard to maintain any kind of optimism.

North Korea is one of the most secretive nations on earth.

It's like their whole country is one of those teenage diaries with a little padlock on the front.

Except in this case, the padlock is a nuclear warhead.

However, with the rise of Google Maps, it means that so-called citizen spies have been chronicling quite interesting details online about this most enigmatic of states.

They've spotted what they think might be mass graves from the 1995 famine.

Also, the vast residencies of Kim Jong-il and other leaders are visible, one of which apparently has, and I quote, a spectacular water slide.

And it's true.

I looked at it, and it does look like an absolutely amazing water slide.

And there's been something of a global outcry over this tiny detail.

How can he have a spectacular water slide when his citizens live in such poverty?

But here's the thing.

I don't think that the problem is that he has this water slide.

It's that he's clearly not using it enough.

If every time he felt the urge to test a nuclear weapon, he had a quick go on his water slide, the world would be a far more stable place.

We shouldn't be criticising him for this.

We should be encouraging him.

Let's have a whip round to get him a wave machine, too.

That might distract him for a bit.

Then a bounty castle, maybe one of those colourful ball pits, and a Helter Skelter.

If we can get his back garden to look like Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch, we are going to win this diplomatic war.

But there is a silver lining to this nuclear brinkmanship, John, and that is that if there is a nuclear holocaust, it will at least bring an end to the expenses scandal that is still boring this country to the very core of its being.

I know it sounds a bit extreme to wish for a nuclear war just to stop a story.

I don't know, Andy.

I mean, this is a pretty big story.

It's a, yeah.

I mean, it's, it's really, it just, I think it might be the only way.

It does look like this story will never end now.

So I think it's the last hope.

Already, there's around about 13 MPs who are going to be stepping down at the next election, including Conservatives Julie Kirk Bride and her husband Andrew Mackay, who cleverly managed to claim expenses for both of their houses as second homes.

And they both had now said that they will step down and thus become the first couple to walk the plank together since Nelson and Lady Hamilton got hammered after the Battle of Copenhagen and went skinny dipping off the side of HMS Elephant.

It's quite impressive actually for Nelson to have won a battle with a ship with such a silly name.

Yeah.

I mean HMS Victory that he

nailed Trafalgar with at some personal cost to himself.

You know, that's the kind of ship that you can you can you know psychologically you're in there thinking victory.

Anyone can win on HMS Victory Andy.

That's not a challenge.

But HMS Elephant, bearing in mind the historical matchup between elephants and guns of any kind.

It's not even that, Andy, it's the historical matchup between elephants and water.

But he overcasts, that's a mark of the man.

He overcame that and really stuck it to the Danes.

You know, I suppose Hannibal did pretty well with elephants, Andy.

Well, pretty well, but you know, he got as far as the final, but then he's not the last team to go to Italy after looking quite promising and then fail at the final hurdle.

There's a joke for football fans, topical this week.

So, this expensive scandal won't stop, John.

I think the time may have come to look right to the top.

And the Queen, £40 million of expenses a year, John.

She put in claims last year for equerries and a Lord Chamberlain.

Now, you know, we all need a Lord Chamberlain, John, but you know, I have a Lord Chamberlain, but I think it's the kind of thing I should pay for myself.

Two million quid on helicopters, the Queen spent in a year.

That is joyriding, really, isn't it?

On public money.

She likes to be in one helicopter whilst looking at the other one.

I mean, can we really deny her that kind of joy?

But the the upshot of all this, John, slightly surprised, you might think, you know, think, well, maybe we'll just reform the expenses system that's clearly wrong and been exploited by some and confused a lot of others.

But in fact, it turns out that all three main parties are now saying what we need is a fundamental restructuring of the entirety of British politics, which may well be true, but doesn't necessarily follow one from the other.

And this is a classic example of political bandwagon jumping, John.

And it is looking like by the time we have a general election in less than a year's time now, all three parties will be riding into that election on a motorbike pyramid of bandwagons, which I guess would technically be a bandwagon pyramid, balanced precariously on top, trying to look like they know what the f they're doing and trying not to fall off.

And David Cameron, I have to say, shaping up to be one of Britain's greatest ever stunt bandwagonists.

Yeah, well, he couldn't have done any more bandwagon jumping this week, Andy, unless he had delivered his speeches standing on an actual bandwagon and bouncing up and down.

A current, having not entirely banged this drum until recently, said, I'm making clear that big change and a new politics is exactly what people can expect from a Conservative government.

It is now, anyway.

We will begin a massive redistribution of power in our country from the powerful to the powerless, from the political elite to the man and woman in the street.

Well, for a start, has he seen the turnouts in local elections?

You almost literally have to bribe people to give even a quarter of a shit about them.

You think he's Muhammad Ali with all his half-rhymes?

From the political elite to the people in the street.

I'm going to kill him.

For the man and woman in the street, John.

That's always a phrase that sets the alarm bells ringing.

Because, John, I'm a man or woman in the street.

And I can promise Mr.

Cameron that I'm the last person on earth I'd want in a position of public responsibility.

I'm also a man or woman in the street, and you are the last person.

I would be second last, but I would put you after me.

But then he went on to say,

concerning greater public access to information about expenses and accounts in the political sphere.

Just imagine the effect, he said, that an army of armchair auditors is going to have on those expense claims.

Yeah.

Is this what we've become as a nation, John?

An army of armchair auditors.

We used to be a nation of shopkeepers, but now armchair auditors.

This is from a party, John, the Conservatives, that champions family values whenever it can.

Come and have dinner with the kids, love.

No, darling, I've got to do some armchair auditing.

I've got to spend six hours checking if RMP has claimed for any non-work-related phone calls by accident.

What David Cameron really meant by army of armchair auditors was three or four journalists at the Daily Telegraph.

They'll do the auditing, they'll they'll present it to the public in one simple to understand, selectively reported orgy of self-congratulation.

But you should see the armchairs, Andy.

Brown leather, beautiful, with those gold bolts in the side.

Such class.

And Cameron's also suggested, as a way of opening democracy to the public, putting parliamentary proceedings on YouTube.

Now, you can only imagine the literally five or six hits that would get.

The only way it could work is if in the House of Commons 24 hours a day, they had a roller skating duck zooming up and down.

oh hold on

I wasn't listening to there Andy but I did hear roller skating duck hold on where's that if I just type in roller skating duck will I find it

US Supreme Court news now and President Obama has nominated Sonia Sotomayor to serve on the country Supreme Court she would be only the third woman and the first Hispanic individual ever to hold that position and this position came up after Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced he was going to step down.

It wasn't really clear what part of lifetime appointments he was grappling to understand.

His excuse for leaving was basically that he hated Washington DC and he hated his job, comparing it to an intellectual lobotomy.

Appointing Supreme Court Justice is one of the most significant things a president can do.

Bush secured his extremely conservative legacy by appointing John Roberts and Alito during his tenure.

So, you know, who is Sodom Ir?

Let's have a look at this.

She has a working class Bronx background, was educated at Princeton and Yale, and is said to be a huge Yankees fan.

And, you know, let's be fair, she's from the Bronx.

That's okay.

That's one of the only times it is okay to be a Yankee fan.

I might be morally uncomfortable having a Yankee fan on the Supreme Court, Andy, but it's important to have differing opinions on the bench.

And I recognise that.

Yeah, but you just worry, though, John, that that's just going to inform all her decisions as a Supreme Court lawyer.

She's going to just see everything through the prism of...

of a Yankees fan.

Through the prism of being drunk, obnoxious, and feeling you have a God-given right to win World Series.

Crumbs, you really have blended in with the locals, haven't you?

It sounds like a lifetime of hurt in that comedy.

You've only been there three years.

I know, Andy, but you know, three years as a Mets fan, it's like dog years.

That's a lot of pain that you can cram in.

She's also said to have been inspired by the Perry Mason TV series to become a judge, and says it was her love of Nancy Drew books that ultimately led her to the law.

Interesting response to Perry Mason TV series, that is, that she had, Andy.

Most people are inspired by that show to fall asleep on the sofa for an afternoon, not become a Supreme Court judge.

You know, I guess Mr.

Mason is many things to many people.

I don't know, I'm not comfortable with that at all, John.

I'd think, you know, if I was in America, I'd much rather have a Supreme Court judge who was more of a Beverly Hills 90210 fan, just so they're more in touch with young people, I think.

Now, the beauty of nominating her is not only that she's an exceptionally qualified candidate, but also, you know, as a Hispanic woman, she represents a major step forward.

And even more importantly, she's going to be very hard for the Senate to say no to she was appointed and promoted by both President George H.W.

Bush and President Clinton.

You'd think that might take the wind out of the Republican sails of protest, but that would be to ignore the existence of the wind machine.

Step forward, rush Limbaugh, or should I say, shuffle wheezingly forward, you fat.

He unsurprisingly went to town on her in his radio vomitorium.

Do I want her to fail?

Yeah.

Do I want her to fail to get on the court?

Yeah, she'd be a disaster on the court.

Is there anyone that shithead doesn't wish failure on?

Maybe he wished each of his three marriages to fail.

That would make sense.

What a family values promoter he is.

I feel better having said that now.

That's out of our system.

So now the extreme vetting procedure will start to take place as Solomayore's tax records, court rulings and writings, even her medical records are scrutinized.

Even the fact that she has type 1 diabetes is currently being criticized by conservative opponents.

But the main piece of ammunition currently is a video of a panel discussion she took part in at Duke University, where she said, the Court of Appeals is where policy is made.

She then laughed a bit and said, I mean, I know this is on tape, and I should never say that, because, you know, we don't make law.

I know, okay, I know.

I'm not promoting it, I'm not advocating it, I know.

But don't worry about it, Sonia.

It's not like you're going to be nominated to the Supreme Court one day.

You speak your mind, girlfriend.

You go.

You go.

Critics have also called her an activist judge, and by activist, they really mean pro-abortion.

And by pro-abortion, they should actually mean pro-choice.

It's not easy to get confirmed as a Supreme Court justice, Andy.

They rate through every aspect of your life.

And in case you ever try and get on the Supreme Court, I've got an attack video ready to go here.

Ready?

Andy Zaltman may seem like a good choice for Supreme Court Justice, but wait, is he?

This is a man who cannot even get his pregnant wife to a hospital in time to deliver their baby.

This is a man who will regularly be referee as well as playing on a football team and very clearly make decisions which favor his side.

Can we really trust a man who cannot be trusted with that kind of impartial decision-making?

Also, his wife is more qualified to be Supreme Court Justice than he is.

She's actually a lawyer.

He's just married to a lawyer.

Say no to Andy's alternate

approved by John Oliver.

I'm already thinking of withdrawing my smack down, Andy.

I'm calling you out.

Yeah, fair enough.

Some conservative activists, John, have expressed concern due to comments that Sotomayor made some years ago now about how judges should not necessarily dismiss their own gender or ethnic backgrounds when adjudicating cases.

Now, to me, this is entirely fair, John.

I'd much rather have a Supreme Court ruling from someone who wasn't from anywhere and was of no specific gender and had no skin which might influence her thinking through its pigment.

So I think I'd much rather have a plank of wood on the Supreme Court because we're not really fuss even which kind of would pine, probably that's fairly inoffensive.

Guaranteed neutrality with a plank of pine.

It's not like to have any provocative views on abortion.

It might be a little bit indecisive, but is there anything wrong in taking your time over important decisions?

So I really think that is the way that America should be looking to go.

I mean, I know she's been to Princeton and Yale's got a hugely impressive career at the very top end of the legal system and according to the White House brings more judicial experience to the Supreme Court than any other justice confirmed in the past 70 years.

But I just can't help thinking she's going to begin all her sentences with, as a Hispanic woman.

Your emails now, and well, we've had a few emails in from Canada on the most exciting story to emerge from Canada since the Ice Age, I would imagine.

And including one from Larissa Haluska-Smith.

Longtime listeners, first-time emailers.

Nice to have those.

Nice to have that written down.

And also, in certain more detail, this story came from Sarah Schenning in Washington, D.C., who writes, Dear John and Andy, I thought you'd be interested in this display of barbarian badassery.

Good word.

I don't even know if that is a word.

I think you probably pronounce it badassery, not badassery, Andy.

Badassery.

I thought it was a badassery.

It sounded like something that came from like an ancient kind of Turkish word.

Badassers were

little houses where people could go and be as naughty as they wanted.

No, no, I don't think that's what it is at all.

The concept of being a badassery.

badassery, right?

I thought it'd be interesting in this display of barbarian badassery from the Queen's representative in Canada.

According to the apparent expert in all things Canadian, the Kansas City star, Governor General Michel Jean, or Jean, what do you reckon?

It'll be Jean, I think.

Jean, gutted a seal and ate its raw hearts in a one-fingered salute to the EU, who voted to ban seal products because seal hunting is cruel.

Jean knelt above a pair of seal carcasses and used a traditional OLU blade to slice the meat off the skin after cutting through the flesh.

Jean turned to the woman beside her and said, Could I try the heart?

I mean that seems like not a good way to defend charges of seal hunting being cruel.

Standing above a bleeding carcass, plucking a heart out and eating it.

Well, in the email from Larissa, she quotes from the Toronto Star, on the first day of her trip, Jean gutted a freshly sorted seal, pulled out its raw heart, and ate it.

Other than a slightly belated audition for a part in an Indiana Jones film, that seems to be a bizarre display from a politician.

An EU spokesman, concludes Sarah Schenning, called the bloody meal quotes, too bizarre to acknowledge.

That's a good response.

I think that is good.

Well done, EU.

I think that is a good way of putting it.

Why would you do that?

Is she running for election?

Maybe this is just to kind of like an intimidating f ⁇ to her opponents.

I eat seal heart.

You really want to do this?

You want to step to me?

I'll eat anything the electorate electorate wants.

She's going to be like a reality TV show gone wrong.

That is a really dangerous platform to run on, though.

Yeah.

Got Taft into power.

Yes, it's a William Taft fat joke.

And he ate an unconsciable number of elk ovaries.

So the rest of your emails will literally all be rounded up in the forthcoming Bugle blog.

Honestly, honestly.

I've cleared a window.

I've cleared a window in the middle of next week.

It's tough.

I've got two kids, John.

Two kids in a kitchen being dumb.

Don't put your kids in the firing line here, Andy.

Still hiding behind that shield.

Can we have a strike rate for your excuses?

You've already used the kitchen.

As John Bon Jovi said, I'll live when I'm alive and write blogs when I'm dead.

You're reading between the lines there, Andy.

Yeah, you've clearly never read his blog.

Bugle Sport now, and last week we previewed the Champions League, and we can now confirm that the final result was UNICEF 2 AIG-0.

The starving children of the world totally outplayed a discredited mega-corporation that has conducted itself with irresponsible and arrogant short-termism, John.

Huge upset.

Just totally outpassed him in midfield.

Good for the neutral, I guess.

It was one of the most one-sided contests ever seen in Rome since Leo, the hungry, militant atheist lion, beat catcher-covered Christian Clive at the Coliseum.

Three snacks to nil.

He ate most of him in the first few minutes, then tied with him for a bit, then ate the rest of him, then chunded him up and had him refried and ate him again an extra time.

The fans went wild.

Too soon, Andy.

Too soon.

In other sports news, the Washington Nationals baseball team, who are a terrible baseball team, Andy.

I actually saw them play against the Mets this year, and they're a great baseball team, apart from the fact that they can't throw balls, catch balls, or hit balls with sticks, which has really hamstrung them in their sport of choice.

That's three little technical details you can easily iron out.

As long as they can work on those fundamentals, they'll be fine.

They're also known, as well as being bad at baseball, for misspelling things connected to the team.

They had a Teddy Roosevelt bobblehead doll on sale and they missed out the E.

It just said Teddy Rossvelt, which, you know, I guess that's understandable.

It's not like he was president or anything.

No, sorry, he was.

This is even better than the fact they actually misspelt their own shirts during one game.

They missed the O out.

So three guys went out to bat wearing Washington Natinal

shirts.

It's not good.

That is the cherry on the cake of failure.

Well, that sounds to me, John, like someone...

You know, I know the number O in baseball is generally significant of failure.

You know, you're O for one or whatever.

So maybe, maybe some psychologist have been in the restaurant and said, you've got to get that off your shirts.

That's bad chakra or whatever they call it.

You're such a spiritual man, Andy.

It comes through every time you speak.

I also have a Delante West update, Andy.

You remember Delante West, the basketball player?

The Maverick interviewee, basketball player.

Here's another little quote.

that started an interview.

He said, I definitely need some more love.

I need love in my life.

So if anyone wants to send in any of those little candies, the hug me candies on little hearts, that would definitely be appreciated.

The interviewee made the mistake of asking him what his ideal date would be.

And as his teammates in the locker room were screaming at him to shut up,

this is what he said.

Oh yeah, we're going to go to my yacht.

We'll pull up at the docks and I've got a guy waiting for us, open our door up and we walk down a lit up dock and onto the yacht where we have dinner set up on the boat and we just cruise on the water, sit down and have some dinner, some shrimps and steaks keep it nice and breezy pop some bottles some moe rose the red moe we ain't popping no chris doll it tastes like urination

we we ain't popping no chris that's 500 a bottle it ain't that serious it ain't gonna get you drunk make sure you put that in there we ain't doing a 500 bottle we're doing a 99 wine and dine

i love him Is he a good player as well?

Because it must be quite hard to play top-level sport when you're coming up with shit like that in your head i mean he's not yeah he's not what you call a starting guard because that's it's he's preoccupied so i've got to think up something batshit crazy to say later

uh bugle forecast now just to wrap things up and well john i guess the forecast is when will the mp's expenses row

end well i think you're looking at a minimum decade on this one right i think you're gonna be i'm gonna say 2020 2020.

I think you might need more than that, John.

I think we're going to need a whole new kind of meteorological age, probably an ice age to come back.

Maybe sea levels to rise sufficiently that the whole of Westminster is just submerged.

So I'm thinking we're probably looking at a couple hundred years.

It could probably accelerate it if we pollute more aggressively.

So I'm going to start burning absolutely everything I see.

Once there is proof that that has happened and

the story has gone away, I will give you £10 for it.

Okay, I'll look forward to that.

But I'll be good for it, mate.

I mean, I'll be dead, but I'll be good for it.

You know what I mean?

But bear in mind, this is like the price is right.

If it goes over your 10-year prediction, you've automatically lost.

Okay.

And I want that £10 linked to the base rate of inflation as well.

Well, that's all from the bugle this week.

Have an absolutely phenomenal week.

Make this in your top five

weeks.

It could be the big one.

It feels like it, isn't it?

I've got a good feeling about this week.

This could be the big week for all of you.

This could be the turning point in all of your lives.

Yeah.

So don't f it up.

Nice team talk, Andy.

Bye.

Bye.

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