Will Obama's stimulus package work? Who cares

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to Bugle 65 for the week beginning Monday, the 2nd of March, 2009, with me, Andy Zaltzman, here in the glorious city of London and in New York City Mr.

John Oliver Hello Buglers!

Hello

Hello Andy!

Oh you said hello to buglers as well.

Do you see yourself as a bugler as well?

Oh well you know boom.

I am all things to all buglers John.

Really?

Big claim for the start of the bugle Andy.

Huge claim.

It's bugle time.

I'm excited to be back after a week Andy, can you tell?

I can tell yeah.

Do you have a nice nice little break?

I did.

I apologise if you were for my absence last week.

I was in St Thomas in the Virgin Islands trying to de-stress myself.

I'd become quite stressed.

And what I did was I swam with a turtle.

And that really did the trick.

And it's hard to be stressed around a turtle.

I just don't think it can be done.

In fact, I think all future Middle East negotiations should be done in a gigantic water tank with turtles swimming around.

Yes, it'd be expensive to set up, but what price peace?

That's right.

Did Charles Darwin ever start a war?

He did not.

He did not.

At no point.

I made it back from my ludicrous trip to Texas with President Clinton.

That's right.

It culminated, Andy, in a five-hour dinner with him in his hotel room, which I left at two in the morning.

Just you and him?

No, it was me, the 42nd president, Natalie Portman, Matthew McConaughey, and Nomdi Asamoya, the all-star cornerback from the Oakland Raiders.

That is a group of people you would not expect to be in the same room.

You might expect all the others to be eating dinners together somewhere.

I think it's my presence which throws that whole gathering out of whack.

Of the many, many highlights of the evening, he was talking about, the president was talking about what TV programs he likes now.

And he said, I don't get to watch, I'm going to do my Clinton impression now, I do.

Oh, I said, I wasn't that wasn't clear before you landed.

I didn't get to watch much TV when I was president.

But now I've got two favorite shows.

First, Grey's Anatomy.

Love that show.

But my absolute favorite of all is 24.

He likes 24.

I mean, I couldn't.

You say that.

I didn't see that coming.

And I've pretty much said as much to him.

And he said back, oh no, you gotta try it.

This most recent season's their best yet.

You should see the kind of things that Bower's getting up to.

It's unbelievable.

And he kept talking about 24 all night, even when we were talking about torture later on.

And he said, I promise he's true.

He said, you see, that's when you need someone like Bower working for you.

The guy's incredible.

I'm telling you, that Bower gets things done.

He said Bower so many times.

I started to question whether he 100% knew that he was a character or not.

He probably thought it was a documentary about his last couple of years in office.

And he had Madeline Albright.

She was his Bower, as far as I'm concerned.

That's right.

God,

the things she could do with a piece of lead type.

I'll take your word for that, Jean.

We could probably do a Bill Clinton story every week for the rest of the year.

Yeah, to be honest,

there are others.

Maybe we can split it up.

We'll just feed them out gradually.

So this is Bugle 65.

65, of course is retirement age for people in Britain, but not for podcasts.

So we're going on strong

until our relatives put a pillow over our faces in 20 episodes time.

See Monday, the 2nd of March.

This episode is 4, John, which means that it is 55 years and a day since the 1st of March 1954 when America heroically broke the world record for the biggest ever bang.

They laid down an eight-bomb reputedly 1,000 times more bangy than the Hiroshima Kaboom.

15 megatons of pure whack spanked out on a Pacific archipelago, vaporising an atoll and really screwing over a load of innocent fish.

Of course, the Soviets later went bigger in 1961 with a 50-megaton whopper.

That sounds like a Burger King meal.

They certainly both do strange things to your intestines.

I think as a species, John, we're just not quite as good at blowing up Pacific Islands as we used to be.

True.

The French were really good at it back in the day and the Americans really leading the way.

As always some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin.

This week they include a meaningless list of the world's ten most meaningless lists.

Beloved of newspapers in the modern world, these most meaningless lists include the top 25 shoelaces of all time, the world's 10 most ordinary benches, the ATAZ of plastic cups, the greatest 36 breakfast cereals of the 1980s, and celebrities' three favourite limbs.

This week, Debbie Gibson, she's gone with both of her arms arms and her left leg.

Disappointing for the right leg there.

Also in the Bina New Fantasy Audio Demolition Game, this week we give you the audio of a condemned tower block just seconds before demolition.

And next week we'll give you the big kaboom.

Also before we start every week from now on on the bugle we will be joined by a special celebrity guest who will be with us throughout the show in a special soundproof safe.

This week's celebrity in a safe is the former US Secretary of State James Baker.

Mr.

Baker, thank you for joining us.

We will not be hearing from James Baker later in the show.

Tom, can you put some more water in this bottle?

I think he's getting first.

Top story this week, and it's new New Deal time.

New Deal too.

This time it's newer.

Prime Minister Cordon Brown stated this week that the world needs a global new deal to haul its sorry ass out of the economic deathbed which it's currently napping in.

Were those his exact words?

Basically, yes.

He argues we need a global new deal, a grand bargain between the countries and continents of the world.

Well, good luck with that, GB.

Everyone loves a grand bargain.

And this is all part of the EU's attempt to forge a common position ahead of the major G20 economic summit in London in April.

And that should be fine, Andy.

The EU notoriously agrees on almost everything.

They're like teenagers at the start of a relationship.

Oh my god, you like fishing quotas being relaxed?

Me too.

We're so in sync.

Let's go carve our names into a tree.

EU BFF.

Is that what you were like as a teenager, John?

Yeah, that's right.

If I could have ever found a girl who was pro-fishing quotas being relaxed, perhaps my adolescence would have been different.

I never found her.

Potential sea change for global banking.

Gordon Brown said that the banking system must be based from here on best principles.

Of course, until now, it's been based on a mixture of worst principles and no principles.

True, that is true.

So, this meeting was in Berlin where Brown made this statement.

And of course, British leaders do have something of a checkered history of coming out of meetings in Germany with meaningless sound bites.

So, let's hope Gordon Brown's New Deal doesn't backfire quite as loudly as Big Neville Chamberlain's little piece of paper.

The G20 Economic Summit in London, Andy, that is going to be very exciting for you, having it right on your doorstep.

I know you're a huge, huge economic summit fan.

I love them, but I couldn't get tickets.

They only had 20 tickets.

That's a shame.

Didn't you turn up to Davos in a specially made replica costume of a draft taxation and customs treaty?

I did.

That was a lot of lycra, Andy.

Must have been hot in the summer.

Are you still going to take your autograph book down there and see if you can meet with some of the world's leading financial analysts?

Oh, well, yeah, I'd love to do that.

I'm sure.

Greenspan, Greensman, Greenspan, will you sign my book?

So, John, what do you expect that this new deal will contain?

I mean, for me, I would predict that it will hopefully contain policies such as not totally destroying global economic stability through irresponsible short-term profiteering.

Well, I guess that's a possibility, although this will be something of an abandonment of a proud Western capitalist and human tradition.

I think it's possible, though, Andy, that you could get a very effective New Deal, just a single sheet of paper with written in the middle of it, don't be an arsehole.

And if everyone who worked in finance just laid that on their desk and they could look at it when they're about to do anything and they go, oh, I was about to be an asshole.

Thank goodness.

I forgot about that New Deal that I'm making of not being the asshole that I am.

I think what the New Deal should also include is some kind of scheme to make sure that we bring down China with us because China are really poison to take advantage of this situation but they are also dependent on us to buy their stuff.

So to me the situation is like when you're left with a friend in a cake shop but there's only one cake left.

So what do you do?

Do you eat the cake?

Do you let your friend eat the cake?

Do you share the cake?

Or do you throw the cake out of the window, lock both of you inside the cake shop, and then release a hungry man-eating tiger, dressed as a cake, to eat both of you for lunch?

It's got to be the last one.

Well, it has, John, because you might not win, but at least your friend won't win either.

And that's

human nature, John.

That's what we should do with the Chinese.

And that's what's known as a happy death.

The French called it the Le Jolie Moor.

Did they, John?

No.

You're very sprightly after your turtle swimming.

Yeah, obviously it won't last.

But let's enjoy it while it does.

You thought of buying a turtle, just keeping it in your bath.

But that would just be true.

I haven't got a bath.

If I ever get a bath,

and also, to be honest, if I ever get a bath,

I'll want like a penguin first.

But if I get two baths,

I'll get a turtle.

Love Guru too, John.

Then you'll be able to afford two baths.

Fingers crossed.

Oh, exactly.

Congratulations.

Talking of which, Andy.

That's right.

I brought home the gong.

The worst film of 2009 it's official it's not an argument anymore

I was

did you go to the ceremony because I did think when I saw that you'd you'd taken the the Razzie is it the the Razzie it's the Razzie the Razzie I thought when I said you'd taken the gong for the razzie I did wonder whether the reason you weren't here last week because you were you're going to the ceremony and writing a speech that's right yeah it was it was it was a proud day I was on a flight recently and there were there was a uh some films to choose from the love guru was there and it it had uh two stars right out of possible five The next film you could choose was Space Chimps, which had three stars.

Space Chimps, a superior film to the one that I was in.

Back to China.

Things are not looking good for Hong Kong, John, because during the Chinese New Year recently,

in a traditional ceremony, a Hong Kong official picked out a numbered fortune stick on behalf of the city, and he picked out number 27.

And that, of course, is the unluckiest of all numbers, according to Chinese tradition.

And the Financial Times reported a fortune teller at Chaekung Temple shrouded in incense and consulting the heavens for inspiration declared that it meant Hong Kong could not isolate itself from global financial turmoil.

Is that true?

That's what that stick, that little numbered fortune stick meant.

So 27 is of course a very unlucky number.

It's the age when Jimi Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison, Robert Johnson, Brian Jones and Kurt Cobain all pop their clogs with varying degrees of rock spectacularity.

Pretty unlucky for those guys.

There's also the number of piano concertos penned by music whiz kid Mozart.

He unluckily is now dead.

Therefore unluckily he doesn't get royalties from his still popular smash hits like Mozart's 27 piano concertos.

That's tough luck for the Salzburg Sizzler.

27 also the number of legendary racing driver Gilles Villeneuve's car.

He unluckily died in that car.

27 the books in the New Testament.

That's an unlucky book because it is a tissue of lies from soup to nuts and has indirectly resulted in the deaths of thousands in wars to prove how true it is or isn't.

That's unlucky.

Also 27 the code for international phone calls to South Africa.

That's unlucky as if you use it, you will have to hear one of the world's least attractive accents if you get through.

William H.

Toft was the 27th President of America.

Toft.

Toft.

Toft.

Toft.

Top.

Toft.

Taft.

Toft.

John.

Toft.

I was brought up proper.

I speak the Queen's English.

That could be the most shockingly British pronunciation you can make.

President Taft.

How pleasant to meet you, Taft.

Toft.

He was so unlucky, he got physically stuck in the White House bath.

Or is it bath?

And he had to be crowbarred out of it by six White House aides and a gallon of butter apparently that's a true story

27th president yeah yeah you cried wolf too many times that's wolf there's a wolf outside oh Wikipedia says so that's what that scene in uh last tango in paris was based on

Andy Saltzman that could be the bluest joke you've told on the bugle what got into you today have you have you got a brandy and a cigar with you guys and a smoking jacket this is going to be 18s and above this bugle also Also, 27 coins telling the number of performing snakes required to play a possibly authentic plate of spaghetti in Pasta the Musical.

The meeting was in Berlin.

John, it was to exchange tips between these leaders on how to look especially serious and gloomy, and also, more particularly, how to talk whilst giving the impression that they have any more chance of fixing the crumbling, grumbling world economy than actor Ben Stiller has of becoming the 1923 Wimbledon Women's Single Champion.

In other words, close to zero.

Obama talking news now and President Obama addressed a joint session of Congress for the first time on Tuesday night.

This is often called a State of the Union speech but was not officially called that this time, presumably due to the state the Union is currently in.

An actual State of the Union speech might just involve the President wincing, shuffling his feet and saying,

you know,

not as bad as it looks if you look at it from a distance and kind of cock your head over to one side.

God bless America.

See ya.

The official line was that seeing as this is a new administration, they felt that they were not in a position to take responsibility for the triumphs or disasters of 2008.

Okay, I mean I'll get the disasters list but what triumphs might those have been Andy?

The Olympic medals in Beijing?

I think that was basically it.

And in fact, when you think about it, Under a Bush administration, Michael Phelps won a record number of gold medals.

But under an Obama administration, he is simply the world's most famous drug addict.

Is that change America wanted to believe in Andy?

I mean, I know it doesn't apply, but is it?

During the speech, Obama stated that America faces a day of reckoning, which sounds like a Vin Diesel film or a wrestling event.

Either way, he had my full attention.

I expected him to say there was an asteroid hurtling towards the Earth, which I suppose metaphorically there is.

We just need a financial Bruce Willis to strap himself to it and divert it away from us.

That's my bailout plan.

$3.6 trillion, John.

That's what he's pledged, I believe.

That's quite a lot of wedge, John.

I mean, I still get excited when I see 50 quid in use tennis.

And it does seem to me that he's following up President Bush's fingers-crossed 2008 campaign with a new here goes nothing 09 scheme.

And I think there's other things he could have spent this money on, John.

For that money, he could have bought probably 42 million motorboats and pretty good quality ones as well.

Now, let's remember, everyone loves motorboats, and the governments of the world could have clubbed their bailout money together to make sure there was maybe one motorboat per hundred people in the world.

Now this would have entitled everyone on the planets to at least one hour's motorboating a week.

Now aside from the obvious boost this would give to the beleaguered motorboat manufacturing sector, it is impossible to claim that the world would not be a happier place with everyone motorboating.

It's true Andy.

I mean it sounds like bullshit but it's true.

David Gergen responded to the speech saying the first half of the speech was FDR fighting for the New Deal.

The second half was Lyndon Johnson fighting for the great society.

And we've never seen those two presidents roll together in quite this way before.

And he's right, Andy.

It's the greatest presidential hybrid since they managed to cross-breed Taft with Grover Cleveland.

I don't know how they did it, but the result was spectacular.

Sadly, there was a complication, the hybrid had to be chased down and shot.

Well, you say that was FDR fighting for the New Deal.

What it actually meant was FDR fighting with a nude eel, an elongated, unclothed fish?

What would an eel be clothed in?

Well, I don't know, a jacket.

More likely, I guess, a sock, a long sock.

A formal socket.

I suppose it's a formal occasion.

You've got to respect the office.

Half a pair of longjonds.

Some Republicans accused him of being light on detail in this speech as to what his economic plan is.

But to be fair, that is what he spent the last two weeks explaining to journalists.

And a prime-time TV address possibly isn't the best place for dense fiscal policy discussion.

You'll have people reaching for their remotes to change over to half-ton mom.

The Republican response to Obama's speech was delivered by Bobby Jindal.

Now, Jindal is the governor of Louisiana and Louisiana.

God, you've still meet you've got me doing it now.

Just said it properly, John.

It's a long A.

A's are long.

Jindal was the great hope.

Jindal.

Jindal was the great hope of the Republican Party until shortly after he opened his mouth at the start of the speech.

It wasn't just what he said, but it was how he said it.

In a a kind of squeaky, lilting, unsettling, creepy voice, which made you feel as if he was talking to you like a two-year-old.

And a two-year-old which didn't want to be alone with this man.

He criticised Obama for pledging $140 million to volcano monitoring.

Yes.

Because, John, and he also kind of cited poor government response to Katrina.

And I guess if there's one thing that Katrina has taught the world, it's to actively not prepare for environmental catastrophes.

Exactly.

Good one, Ginders.

He added, I don't believe in volcanoes anyway.

Who's to say they actually exist?

Some self-proclaimed scientist, I expect, makes me sick.

Just because a mountain's got a temper doesn't mean we have to spend 140 million bucks monitoring it.

And what's with this healthcare spending shtick?

I feel fine.

Jindal celebrated his disastrous speech by heading with his family straight on vacation to Disney World.

That is now going to be a kind of colourful wake for his political career.

I hope Donald Duck has an absorbent shoulder to cry on.

So will Obama's scheme, his $3.6 trillion scheme work?

Who cares?

Well, the entire population of America and by association the rest of the world whose own well-being is interrelated with that of the US economy.

But other than that, John, who cares?

Other news now and berries!

Finally,

all those berry farmers who've been listening to the bugle waiting for 64 episodes go, come on, something that's relevant to my life.

Well, it's happening.

Berries!

A proposal to name the Marionberry as the official berry of the state of Oregon, I love this story, actually,

has been scuppered by a man who grows, and I quote, a rival berry type.

He's in fact a blackberry farmer, the old enemy of the Marionberry, and objects to the fact that it might get an unfair edge of a blackberries if it becomes official.

Now, you may be asking yourself now, what the f ⁇ is a Marionberry?

Well, it's a hybrid blackberry, so it's not even a different fing berry.

It's like Pepsi and Coke, I don't care what you say, they're the f same.

Now, Oregon accounts for around 90% of the world's Marionberry crop.

And this story throws up three key questions, I think, here, Andy.

One, does Oregon really need to have an official berry?

Can its berries not just live side by side on hedges around the state?

Must we fight?

Two, why are we arguing about berries?

And three,

seriously, America is approaching economic meltdown.

Why are we arguing about berries?

Well, I guess I would say in response to that, as the old saying goes, look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves.

So if you look after what states have what official berries, then the overall economic picture will take care of itself.

Now, Republican Vicki Berger, who spearheaded this campaign, has withdrawn her proposal now, saying, I'm not going to bat over internal disputes in the berry community.

Berry community?

It's no community, lady.

It's a berry's viper's nest.

It's kill or be killed out there.

Do you know how many berry growers are murdered in Oregon every year?

Neither do I, but someone should find out because it might be some.

Because you grew up in Bedfordshire.

What's the official berry of Bedfordshire?

I'm not sure if we have an official berry.

In Kent, it's the tiger berry.

It's the official.

It was a stripey, like a cross between a raspberry and a tiger.

Yellow and black stripes, but a berry, but could kill you.

I mean, none of that that you've just said is true.

Well, that's neither here nor there, John.

Just because it's not true doesn't mean it's any less valid than anything you've just said.

Other news now, and former novelist Charles Dickens has been cleared by police of any involvement in a botched attempt to steal rare manuscripts of his own short stories from a vault in the British Library.

Dickens, who turned 197 a couple of weeks ago from Westminster in London, failed to report to Snaresbrook Magistrates Court last week to answer charges of attempted burglary and failing to cooperate with a police inquiry, but was exonerated after it emerged that he had died in 1870.

British Library security guard Branford R.

Boreal 47 described the terrifying incident.

I saw a guy with a beard on the pavement outside the library looking a bit shifty.

I thought to myself, I bet that after those Dickens manuscripts.

And then I thought, hang on, that could be Dickens trying to pull an OJ.

He wants his own memorabilia back and he's probably packing heat.

So I pulled my emergency library lockdown lever and opened fire.

The guy ran away screaming, just like Dickens would have done.

I now accept with hindsight that the man in question was neither Dickens nor an associate of Dickens, but I maintain that what I did was right.

I will guard those manuscripts with my life and with the lives of others, if needs be.

And I'm sorry to hear that Dickens is dead.

My condolences to his family.

He was a top geezer and knew which end of a pen to hold.

It's Horace keeping you up at night, Andy.

Here's a Charles Dickens fact, John.

The rapper Chuck D was named after Charles Dickens.

So when he applied for the job as vocalist for Public Enemy, he wrote on his application form that the Victorian novelist was, quotes, an inspiration inspiration and someone whose work and beard I hope to emulate in the medium of rap.

Adding, I know I can do this job, and I hope you will consider me for the position.

He included with his application a six-hour hip-hop version of Dickens' unfinished novel, The Mystery of Edwin Drood.

Edwin Drood, ironically, was the nickname by which Dee's fellow Public Enemy employee, Professor Griff, referred to his own Todger.

And Professor Griff named himself after his own childhood hero, Jasper Griffin, the Oxford University Professor of Classical Literature.

Interestingly, the first draft of A Tale of Two Two Cities begins.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Flavor!

Flav!

I think we're learning.

I can't take a week off.

Feature section now.

And the feature section is about the official year 2009.

That's right, Andy.

We're two months into 2009, which seems the perfect time to do a two-month-late look at the year ahead.

Well, this is more, John, looking at what 2009 is the official year of.

Because, you know, every year is the official year of something.

I mean, I guess 1945 was the official year of ending the war.

1966, the official year of England winning the World Cup.

1974, the official year of Andy Zoltzmann being born.

That kind of thing.

But 2009 is more so than any of them.

It is the official year of three things, John.

The official year of reconciliation.

Yes.

The official year...

We'll see about that.

Well, is that just pure coincidence that that is the first year after George Bush has left office?

Yeah, that's right.

When did they announce that?

God, Nostradamus was right.

They announced it the day after the 2004 presidential election.

Also, it's the International Year of Astronomy.

And more importantly, John, and I think this really humbles us all, it's the International Year of Natural Fibres.

I know that it's this is the International Year of Natural Fibres is really to raise awareness of natural fibres.

I'm not sure my awareness has been increased so far.

Right.

You know, I mean have you not felt you know when you put on like a polyester vest or whatever it is you wear in America these days, you not felt yourself feeling just a bit kind of like a traitor to a little bit man-made.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean I haven't really felt that way so far, but I mean it's early days yet.

We're not even out of February yet.

According to the official website of the International Year of Natural Fibres, which I believe is sponsored by the United Nations,

the year is celebrating fibres produced by plants and animals.

It does not include modern man-made artificial and synthetic fibres such as rayon, boo, nylon, boo, acrylic, boo, and polyester.

And also, tree fibres are not covered by this international year,

but they will be one focus of the international year of forests in 2011.

Okay, well balanced.

Yeah.

So it is the international year of.

I guess there's pluses and minuses of natural fibres, John.

I guess one plus is that you're using Mother Nature's bounteous gifts and makes you feel at one with the planet that has enabled you to live.

But on the minor side, you could get eaten by a crocodile.

I think that might be the bravest setup to a joke I've ever heard.

There are pluses and minuses in natural fibres.

Guess the punchline there, kids.

I guess if it wasn't for natural fibres, though, John, we've got to look back to history.

Mankind would still be

wandering around with balls and boobs akimbo, like the sluttly exhibitionistic prehistoric hominids we once were.

So, I mean, if you had to make a choice, John, which would you prefer?

Plants or animal natural fibers?

I mean, are you a flax man or a mohair man?

I don't think I'm either of those.

I'm trying to look at what I'm wearing now.

I think I'm all.

I'm glad you're actually wearing something for once.

Well, that's right.

I'm not wearing much.

I'll tell you that.

I don't know.

What's a banana hammock made out of?

Oh, it's 50-50.

Well, it is now.

Well, to mark the International Year of Natural Fibres, I will do the bugle for the rest of the year with a natural jute hemp bag over my head.

Now, you said it was also the International Year of Astronomy.

This got me thinking about Bin Laden because

Bin Laden released a new tape recently with the usual Twitterings, you know, wow, wow, wow, death to the west.

He needs to find some new stuff.

Anyway,

the point is...

I started to think about astrology and Bin Laden was born on March the 10th, making him a Pisces.

Okay, yeah.

I looked at his horoscope for today and it was just interesting to see what he can look forward to.

It says, something's likely to knock your confidence a little today.

You may think you're not able to put your finger on the source of this setback straight away.

It's probably going to be the West.

Yeah, I think the West.

But perhaps you're looking in the wrong place.

Give yourself a little space to work out what the problem is and how to put it right.

Uh-oh.

And I started looking at the official traits of Pisces, Andy.

Now, their likes are feeling appreciated, feeling loved, freedom, stability, freedom.

I'm not sure about that.

Stability, mystical settings, enchantment, dreaming, having their input valued and being unique, dislikes, feeling vulnerable, having no goals to move toward, feeling invalidated, that's certainly true, being criticised, he doesn't like it, illiteracy, noisy scenes and displays.

Uh-oh.

You've got to bump that up.

Having no sense of structure and the West.

So, yes, it is, as you say, the International Year of Astronomy, John.

If you've got to call it astrology, then, you know, I'm sure Galileo will be perfectly happy with that.

Oh, f him.

It's all to do with the stars, and it's all nonsense.

You know, astrology is finding out what's going to happen to you in the next week or month.

Astronomy is finding out extremely rough details of what was on fire thousands of years ago and billions of miles away.

So I guess, you know, there's two ways of looking at every sky at night.

But people often say to me, Andy, could you live without astronomy if astronomy was banned as as a branch of witchcraft?

And I say, I could, but if I owned a massive telescope, I'd be pretty pissed off.

I think that says it all about astronomy.

And so here to mark International Year of Astronomy is a Bugle Constellation Guide to some of the recently discovered constellations in the sky.

These include the Swearing Nutcase, a constellation near Andromeda that looks like a mad old man shouting at a traffic cone.

Dionysus' Chunda, a collection of supernovas on the edge of the Mamakas Memorial Galaxy that on a clear night looks like the ancient Greek god of revelry puking his guts out into a ditch whilst flicking a V-sign at Apollo and copying a gawp at Aphrodite's waplets.

And the Bon Jovi, an explosive megastar 40,000 rock years away, the sonic waves from which sound like the opening to You Give Love a Bad Name.

Your emails now and this one comes from Katie Priest in Indiana and she writes, Dear John and Andy, my sister and I are going to visit the UK this coming fall.

Oh.

I believe if you're visiting the UK, you'll be visiting it this coming autumn, Katie.

Anyway, I just thought I'd get that out of the way.

I was wondering, what are the top three must-see sites for a loyal bugler's first trip to London?

Oh,

okay.

I'm going to go Borough Market, Andy.

That's one of my favourite things in London.

Right.

On a Friday and a Saturday, probably go on a Friday, it's a little quieter because then you've got London Bridge and the South Bank to enjoy as well.

Yep.

Get some nice food from Borough Market and wander down the South Bank, maybe past the Tate Modern and go over the new Wobbly Bridge.

Right.

Okay.

Well, I'd go for more of a kind of bugle angle on this, and I would suggest that you go to the Florence Nightingale Museum,

which is right by I believe St.

Thomas's Hospital just on the south bank opposite the Houses of Parliament and once you've been there frankly you need to take the rest of the day off and then you probably want to sneak back there the next day in an overcoat

and what about a third one well I'd then just

probably take a walk to clear my head so enjoy your trip

also thanks to Stephen Hallam for his latest updates you can still contribute to the Rudy Giuliani 2008 presidential campaign unbelievable so thanks do Do keep checking.

Check back regularly.

Check back every month, just in case.

And we had an email from Adam Birch, Andy, here.

Now this will officially stop the death threats feature, which I'm not, I'm sorry this ever became a feature, but it stops here, Andy, because it's starting to get creepy.

And I'm not 100% sure everyone is joking.

The death threats stop here.

Adam writes, Dear John and Andy, after the recent spate of venomous death threats against you both, I thought I would send a supportive rejoinder, sort of.

I'm not actually going to say that I don't want you to be killed or that I would try and stop it from happening.

Instead, thank you.

Instead, I'll say that if anyone is successful, I will round up a posse.

Yes, I can say posse now, are the steady march of Americanization, and exact bloody vengeance upon the perpetrator.

And as an added bonus, anyone within a five-mile radius just for being there and looking shifty.

I hope that helps.

Adam Birch from the north of England, as he writes, where the Vikings are.

The real ones, not the city ones who stayed in Scandinavia.

We started a civil war amongst buglers.

Fight it out.

So do keep your emails flooding into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk and don't forget to check out the all-new hyper-improved websites, albeit without the blog that I promised last week due to a few technical teething issues.

But it'll be up soon.

Tom, when's the blog going to be working?

Whenever you decide to actually say you do some work.

We'll take it back at you.

That technical issue was whether you could do it.

I've been waiting all week.

Just give me the go.

Give me the go.

Don't worry, we'll set it up.

It should be ready next week.

Sport now.

And Tiger Woods is back, John.

Albeit that he's no longer back on the grounds that he lost his second match in the WGC Accenture match play in, of all places, Arizona.

But he made his comeback, John, on Wednesday against the little-known Australian Brendan Jones.

Now, we've all heard of Tiger Woods, John.

But I'm not sure we've all heard of Brendan Jones.

True.

According to the official World Golf Rankings, he is the 64th best golfer in the world.

But he's by no means the most famous player in the history of the game.

And it was only really the profile of playing against Woods this week that has brought him to the public attention.

In fact, before this week, even his own family didn't actually know that he played golf.

His parents were asked by a journalist if they were excited about their son playing the Tiger, and they replied, oh, we didn't know his local amateur dramatic group were doing a stage adaptation of the Winnie the Pooh stories.

And his father said, I expect he'll be disappointed.

He'd been gunning for the piglet role.

Before being told that their son was in fact a pro-golfer, they replied, well, we've never heard of him.

They continued, well, we don't know exactly what he does.

All we know is that he leaves the house for months on end, and when he comes back, he's got a deep suntan and loads of money.

You've got to admit, it looks dodgy, so for the sake of family harmony, we thought it best not to ask.

So that's it for the bugle this week.

John, it's been a pleasure to have you back.

It's great.

It's been quite a giggly bugle this Sunday.

It has, yeah.

I'm too euphoric at being back.

Right.

Well, how old are you?

You're 31.

31, yeah.

Well, I'm 34.

Yeah.

And this is bugle issue 65.

So this is the first time we've we've ever done a bugle issue that is the sum of our combined ages.

Wow.

Will there ever be another?

Well, I know, but as I said, 65 is retirement age.

So what's the forecast for this week?

Whether the bugle will be back next week or whether we'll be in a rocking chair staring out of a window waiting for the blissful release of death?

Yeah, I guess that's the forecast.

Which one are you going for?

Dunno, Andy retired.

So that's it from the bugle.

Farewell.

James Baker, thank you very much for being with us.

And if there are any famous people people you would like to not hear on the bugle in our special safe, do email us in your suggestions.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Have a lovely week.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.