Foreign snow is invading Britain!

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 63 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday the 9th of February 2009 with me Andy Zoltzman here in the snow-stricken city of London and in New York City it's John Oliver.

That's right, the snow defiant city of New York.

Hello Andy.

Hello buglers.

How you doing Andy?

Are you cold?

Well John it's you know it has been a just a terrible week over here.

You know this country has been under attack as never before and really at times it's looked like we wouldn't pull through but

I guess kind of like the blitz, but more so.

We've managed to make it to Friday and we can only only hope that next week brings slightly warmer weather.

Here's something that might inspire you, Andy.

Do you remember that short-lived craze of landing planes on rivers?

No, it started a few weeks ago, right next to the office I work in, never really caught on.

They thought it was going to be the next yo-yo, but didn't really work out for them.

Maybe it was ahead of its time.

Anyway, the point is that the superhero pilot who saved 150 lives that day has taken heroism to the next level.

He added to his physical heroism by committing an act of administrative heroism.

He wrote a letter of apology this week to his local library for failing to return a book that was lost in the crash.

True, and the book, and I'm not making this up, was about professional ethics.

I'll simply say this to hero Captain Chelsea Sullenberger.

Turn it down a notch or two, you're starting to make us all look bad.

I can't fly planes, Andy, and the majority of my relationship with library books as a youth was drawing penises into them.

I called it the penisification of knowledge.

So now I feel like a complete waste of life.

I can't look kids in the street in the eye.

There was also a great quote from the librarian who said,

We honour Mr.

Sullenberger both for what he did on the Hudson and for his quick response to a lost book.

That is so understated, it's borderline British.

The statement went on to say, although as a librarian, I personally would have lost 150 lives and saved the book.

But that's just a personal priority choice.

I had a very revelatory moment this week, John, about my place in the world and my responsibilities as a father, a husband,

a podcaster, an award-winning author, a chef, a footballer, and a role model to the billions of bugle listeners around the world.

When my two-year-old daughter, Matilda, turned to me with a face coated in yoghurt and said, in no uncertain terms,

Grow up, Daddy.

Oh no.

It was just a matter of time before that happened.

As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin this week.

A special bugle forgery section in the Straightened Times will be showing you how to forge a £20 note.

The key is to get the right Adam Smith on the £20 note.

You want the 18th century professional economico-philosopher, rather than Adam Smith, the English football player currently plying his trade with non-league York City, or Adam Smith, the guy I was at school with.

Unless you draw either of those wearing 18th century clothes, in which case you might get away with it.

We'll also be showing you how to forge a 1 trillion Zimbabwean dollar bill, although quite literally that won't be worth the paper it's written on.

And the much coveted 220 US dollar bill.

That's the one with a picture of Richard Gere head-butting David Koresh at the Waco Siege and the lyrics to W.

Gibson's Shake Your Love on the Back.

And we'll also be showing you how to pass off your new kitchen ceiling as a genuine fresco by 15th century Tuscan whiz kid Masaccio.

Also how to work out if the urinal you've just whazzed whazzed in might be saleable as an early work by Dodder-ist Japester Marcel Duchamp, or how to make a sketch of a cat in a microwave look like it was done by AJ McLean of the Backstreet Boys while he waited to go on stage at the Boys' Comeback Gig in 2005.

Plus, how to turn 10 empty cornflake packets into a passable Chesterfield sofa, and how to forge historical documents proving that your ancestor was responsible for giving Florence Nightingale her first gig in nursing, and exactly what she was prepared to do to get it.

And also, how to forge an episode of the Bugle.

Hang on, is this fake?

John jump up and down.

No it's a fake.

It's a fake.

That's how you tell.

It's a fake.

Who would do such a thing?

What's the point?

Top story this week.

Attack of the snow.

Record snowfalls have reduced Britain to a gibbering, shivering, collapsed wreck this week.

Roads have gridlocked, schools have closed, public transport has shut down and in response the British people have snapped into action by doing what they do best.

Complaining, whining, moaning and even breaking out some emergency grumbles.

It truly is Britain in her element.

That's right, in scenes reminiscent of the worst excesses of the Luftwaffe.

Snow has fallen across the God-given land of Britain, bringing the nation to a catatonic standstill.

Actually, with hindsight, John, if the Germans had dropped small crystals of ice from their Junckers and Mescherschmidt, we would probably have caved in.

Bombs we can can deal with, snow is too much of a logistical problem for this country.

And, you know, the rest of the world may mock at what this snowfall has done to Britain, John.

But do you know how much snow fell here in London?

Not much.

About four inches, John.

Possibly six.

Now, I bet you Americans, like yourself, John, you've never even seen six inches of snow in your entire lives put together.

It's impossible to do anything with six inches of snow.

Mere survival is the best anyone could hope for.

And obviously, if any bugle listener anywhere in the world has ever seen more than six inches of snow, I would like to talk to them and I will tell them that they're a liar.

It's not possible to suffer that level of snowfall and have the personal infrastructure to keep your central nervous system and vital organs working unless you're British.

And that's what we've done this week, John.

We've kept going.

I think you're right though.

Britain is an international laughing stock, Andy.

Norway can't look us in the face.

It's just not that much snow.

I mean, three inches shut down the tube in London.

It's basically a Siberian summer.

As a friend of mine here said, three inches of snow, I could shit three inches of snow.

I have no reason to doubt her.

She looked like she meant it.

And I wasn't going to challenge her for fear of proving it.

In fact, the studio that Andy's in right now is like a winter wonderland in London.

The white witch is zooming around on a sled, a fawn man is operating the sound booth, and Andy's inside a snowdrift with a carrot for a makeshift nose.

If a little boy in blue striped pajamas will only come out to play with him, he'll animate himself, fly them on an adventure as the boy sings angelically before melting and breaking the boy's heart.

So it's been a tough week for the British, or specifically in this case, the English, the Scots, Welsh, Geordies, and other parts of the nation.

They seem hardier than us delicate Anglo-Saxons, John.

When the weather gets a bit parky, they generally take it as an opportunity to take their pajamas off, paint their nuts blue, and stand on the border challenging England to a fight.

But we have a problem with wintry weather, which comes down essentially to the fact that we assume that without reservation, it will never happen.

And therefore, taking basic pre-emptive precautions would be both a waste of time and deeply unpatriotic.

Because answer me this, John.

Did Henry V have gritter lorries with him in case Agincourt froze over?

No, he didn't.

Did Elizabeth I kit her ships out with ice chains in case the Armada arrived on a frosty morning and they couldn't get them out of the garage?

No, she did not.

And did the Duke of Wellington have a fleet of snow plows up his sleeve in case the roads to Waterloo got covered in snow?

He did not.

Although, to be fair, he did invent the Wellington boot to wear in case it melted and the battlefield got sludgy.

But that's beside the point.

He wore quality socks.

He didn't want them ruined.

Fair enough.

They all relied on on a far more effective defence against slightly adverse weather conditions, John.

Britishness.

That is the most effective.

And that's how we've responded this time, by either Britishly saying, well, we've all done jolly well not to freeze to death, or by even more Britishly saying, this country has gone to the dogs.

And what's more, it's put all its money on the Greyhound in Trap Six, and that dog has now careered off the track into the stands, is barking at an old man and trying to hump a hot dog van.

The upshot being, we're embarrassed and out of pocket.

How is it, Andy, that a Western country basically shuts down after a bit of snow?

How is it that a country in the G8 can be brought to its knees by a relatively minor weather front?

Just put that into context, John.

The whole nation basically took a couple of days off work.

And 36 hours after the unprecedented icy deluge fell, by which I mean the heaviest snowfall for 18 years in London, it prompted old people to reminisce on when they were young and all they could see was icebergs.

36 hours after this snow had fallen, I tried to get an overland train into London.

No dice, John.

All trains were cancelled due to staff having a snowman competition or the train driver getting distracted by a sweet winter scene of a child in a woolly hat poking a stick into a snow-covered bin or no one really giving a shit.

That was another reason, or something about human rights, or a total, long-standing, institutional refusal to legislate for unusual but foreseeable weather conditions.

We just can't deal with this kind of thing, John.

Well, because now the new problem is that apparently Britain is running out of salt to grit roads with, turning some roads into, and I quote, icy death traps, but salt shortages.

Really?

This is not how I thought we'd go out, Andy.

What has happened to our once great Britain?

We repelled the Nazis.

We kicked the Romans out after they got bored.

How on earth are we being taken down by salt shortages and the concept of chilliness?

We've gone soft.

We could be invaded at any point now and we just roll over.

Any army with a half decent snow machine could conquer us in a couple of days.

Particularly this salt shortage is a bit of an embarrassment given that we are surrounded by by the sea.

But I guess you could argue that Britain was attacked by snow and we should have mobilized the army to take on these delicate flaky bastards before they hit the ground.

At the very least now, we should be allowed to retaliate.

We should find out where these weather fronts have come from or we should strike back.

So I did that Andy and apparently it's because there's a warm front from France coming up which is hitting a cold front coming in from the north.

It's Iceland and it's France working together in a pincer movement Andy.

We must defend ourselves.

No, it's like 1066 all over again.

The Vikings up north, we saw them off, and we head down south, take on the French.

We've had a few injuries and deaths in the first match, and we just can't keep them out.

So, there have been complaints, John, about the weather costing the economy potentially millions of pounds, to which people have responded by throwing a snowball at the nearest business while shouting,

the economy, the economy has been costing the economy millions of pounds recently.

It's time it went and fed itself before building a snow effigy of the Bank of England and urinating on it.

American economy update now and Andy, let's focus on the positives first.

America still technically has an economy so that's something and it should be grateful for that.

Some countries would love to have an economy like America's even in its current state and if America doesn't stop being grateful we'll pack that economy up and we'll send it to Zimbabwe to play with.

Even though America's economy does seem like it's about to try and book an appointment with a Swiss doctor to put it out of its misery, Obama still somehow has kept his near 70% approval rating.

And to put that in perspective, in Bush approval terms, that's around three presidencies.

Basically, he is rubbing his economic defibrillator pads together, shouting, clear, giving the economy a blast, stepping back, looking desperately for signs of life, cranking it up again, giving it another go, shouting, stay with me, stay with me, whilst already wondering how he's going to break the news to the economy's family.

That's it.

He's got a bead of sweat running down his forehead as he screams, don't you die on me?

But the problem is, no one knows.

It's all very well having these stimulus packages, John, but no one knows if they're going to work.

And that's because no one knows anything about economics.

All we know about economics now is that as a species, the human race knows so little about economics that we are basically like the world's first medical researchers trudging around the world in prehistoric times eating herbs and berries and asking, does this cure rheumatism?

It doesn't.

It's poisonous.

How poisonous?

Deadly poisonous.

Right, that's another one on the no list.

Let's try this one.

And that is basically how economic is working at the moment.

This has been over-described in the worldwide media as us us nearing the end of our honeymoon period with Obama.

I guess there may well be an element of truth to that.

So let's enjoy this feeling of a honeymoon while it lasts.

Because before you know it, reality will set in, the romance will be all but gone and we'll be taking a dump in front of each other.

Also, you know, this honeymoon is extra special.

How many honeymoons have you been on, John?

I'll just that is just what I'm planning.

That's basically calling time on it.

It's like the hooter at the end of a rugby league match.

Also, this honeymoon is extra special and indeed important as America is desperately trying to forget its ex-husband.

And anyway, there's nothing wrong with honeymoons, Andy.

Honeymoons are great.

People like them.

And there's no better time to have one than when you actually still like each other.

No one wants to go to the Virgin Islands with someone they can't stand to look at anymore.

And I'm thinking primarily of the ill-judged honeymoon between America and President Van Buren in late 1841.

That was tense silences, accusatory looks, too many pilacoladas and one ill-judged speedo.

The writing was on the wall.

Besides, it's important for America to enjoy this honeymoon period.

They've They've just got out of a terrible relationship.

They've met someone who seems to genuinely want to help them regain their self-esteem.

And no, this honeymoon won't last forever.

Andy, eventually, Obama will start to annoy them.

You know, maybe he'll cut his toenails in the White House kitchen or continues to support CIA rendition to illegal black sites around the world.

And it's not like the statistics are in their favour anyway.

Look, to history, almost two-thirds of presidencies end with a first term.

But for now, let's forget all that.

Let's not begrudge them letting Obama carry them over the threshold and dry humping them for a bit.

Which I believe he promised to do at the convention in Denver.

I think this podcast has definitely got bluer in the last few months.

Obama also this week called for a common sense pay cap for executives of bailout companies of $500,000, a move which even some key Republicans have supported.

In fact, Mike Pence said he opposed the financial sector bailout to begin with and said, well, maybe this is going to wake up American businesses.

There is a cost when you invite the £800 gorilla of government into your boardroom.

In fact, that's a good bellwether for how bad things have gotten here, Andy.

That it would have actually been significantly less damaging for every Wall Street company just to let an actual £800 gorilla into their boardroom for a year.

Let him sit on the board, smash things around, eat bananas, and vote on any key decisions.

He would probably have done a better job, or certainly not any worse, due to his or her innate humanity.

Similar stuff going on over here, John.

The Bugle's sister publication, The Times, a prominent 250-year-old newspaper, described what they said was a stampede by banks to beat the government crackdown on bonuses.

A stampede, basically, to get these bonuses in before they are outlawed.

And I guess what this proves, John, is that we cannot trust the markets to run themselves.

And it's really further testament to the words of Adam Smith in his 1776 economics blockbuster The Wealth of Nations who wrote about the invisible hand guiding the market.

Well in recent years John that invisible hand has been treating itself to the occasional unsolicited grope as invisible hands inevitably will.

It's also been flicking invisible V signs at the general public.

And many now argue that the government has to step in and regulate the invisible hand, at least make it wear a glove so its unwanted fondlings can be seen, or perhaps even anticipated and slapped, or if it's obviously rubbing its fingers and thumbs together in excessive excitement.

I just think we need to do something more about it.

And you know, the fat cats are a big problem here, as we've seen, John.

And being a fat cat, or to give it its medical name, felinocorpulentilism, is a psychiatric condition whose severity is often underestimated due to the lampooning of the gutter press.

Because you have to remember, John, fat-cattedness is a state of mind, not a state of income.

And it causes a chemical imbalance in the soul which can lead to irrational behaviour such as limousine hiring, cigar smoking and yacht owning.

And we really need to try and understand this very difficult condition.

More than monocle sporting as well, don't forget that.

Oh yeah, monocle.

That is great fat catitude.

Yeah, if you're wearing a monocle, you're either very rich or very poor and probably a bit mad either way.

Your emails now and well we've had a number of emails asking us what happens to the American, which we had promised that the American would come back in last week's episode, including this one from Jordan Hall, who writes, Dear Andy and John, please bring back the Ask in American section, or I will simply kill you.

Best wishes, Jordan.

Well, similarly, is that like a simple form?

Is it just like breaking our necks very calmly?

Yeah, I think just taking a bolt gun

to the side of the head.

Yeah, single bolt gun bullet, probably.

Yeah, just stroking our hair and easing us off into a permanent sleep.

Yep.

I mean, rather than have that, Andy, what I thought I'd do is.

Well, buglers, we have listened to you, so please welcome, fresh from Las Vegas County jail the american

hey all right how you doing everybody you're looking good no and you're looking good how's it looking look at this guy oh what do you got glasses on nice touch nice touch it's a little vegas opening maybe what's that you're working the crowd yeah i'm working the crowd a little bit you know what i mean look at this I like you in the engineering booth.

You look sharp.

You look sharp.

We haven't seen each other since Vegas, have we, Regan?

You're right.

You're right.

And there may be a connection to why I haven't been on the show.

I'm not going to say full prosecution or arrest.

I'm just going to say

I've been out of town.

You know what I'm saying?

Right, ladies?

I've been out of town.

Right, ladies?

Come on.

Did you end up up or down in Vegas?

When you have your head in a vice.

Is that up or down?

Which is that?

I forget.

I think that's down.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so down a bit.

Yeah, down a bit.

And how about your brother?

How's he?

He's okay.

Let's just say he's okay.

Okay.

I don't want to get too specific right now because my attorneys have advised me not.

Well, first of all.

What a town, Vegas, huh?

Only in the USA can we have a place like Vegas.

Well, first we should say congratulations on your moment of history American you're welcome what do we do again what thing haven't we done that's history in the last 200 plus years yeah well let's not dwell on that but let's just

I was primarily thinking you're the first African-American president of the United States that must be it was exciting it was pretty exciting yeah you gotta expect it from us first I mean no other country has ever had a black leader except us boom we won

world we got there first we did it second I think we did it first country in the world to have a black guy in charge that's we did it That's simply not true.

Yeah, I understand.

It's a very rhythmic charge.

I'm supposed to join in, but you'll understand that.

Most African nations have had black leaders for quite some time.

I got to check that, but I'm pretty sure what made this history was the fact that we're the first country in the world to have a black guy in charge.

And that says something.

I must insist that that is not.

I don't want to diminish this because it's an amazing thing that happened here, but you cannot claim that.

Okay, wait, hold on.

We're the first country in the world to have a black guy in charge.

I just claimed it.

And what are you going to do about it?

Nothing, because

what are you going to do?

Are you going to have Africa invade us?

What are they?

A f ⁇ ing pickup truck with a guy and a machine gun on the back?

Come on.

Come on over, Africa.

We're waiting for you.

They got pirates now.

Oh, boom, pirates.

I'm so scared.

What are you going to do?

Take me out my jet ski?

What are you going to do with your pirates?

Are you suggesting that Robert Mugabe is, in fact, white?

I'm suggesting Robert Mugabe's not really a leader.

He's a terrorist.

Oh, I see.

You see, those guys, you're giving them the credit they want you to give them.

They're acknowledging them as leaders.

leaders, and I'm saying those guys aren't leaders.

Those guys are terrorists.

I see.

So it's a blindness.

Because

unless you lead people the right way, you're not really a leader.

You know what I'm saying?

What does that even mean?

It's a philosopher's term.

It's a term of philosophy.

You can't just say that.

I've been reading a little bit about philosophy.

It's a philosopher's term.

The Cartes.

I've been reading a little bit of that stuff.

Obviously, the big story at the moment in America is the American economy.

Yeah.

How are you feeling?

I feel great about it.

We're booming.

We're booming.

We're always booming over here.

No, you're not.

You're You're collapsing.

Well, but that's what everyone keeps saying.

You understand?

And like, there's two things happening.

There's a psychological economy and there's a real economy.

And the psychological economy is everyone on the news saying, oh, no, oh, no.

The economy's collapsing.

We're screwed.

Just like they said, oh, killer bees are going to come get us.

Oh, yeah.

Am I alive?

Am I dead from bees?

No.

Am I dead?

No, I'm still alive.

Oh, SARS, bird flu, monkeypox.

Yeah,

the economy.

I don't believe any of the crap they spew.

They're always, always something.

The black plague is two weeks away.

Yeah, suck on it.

America is not going anywhere, baby.

The world would like to think that, but no, we're winning again.

Right.

The best economy in the world.

And guess what happens?

They say our economy is bad.

The whole world ripples.

There's a whole ripple through the whole world.

And that's what people have to understand.

We are the world economy, so people better come here and spend their money.

That much is true.

You know, there was the Davos World Economic Summit, right?

And I mean, America came in for some very stern criticism there for basically screwing the the world economy i mean how do you respond to that well you know this is a very frustrating topic for me and i don't want to get heat too heated but how can we be blamed for screwing the world economy when we are the reason there is a world economy in other words everyone wants oh everybody wants

everyone sees what we do and then they emulate it it's like okay oh look they have sneakers now we want sneakers you know like sneakers didn't exist except they were invented here by nike and then everyone over there was going oh we're making them just because we're making them here, I guess we want them now, too.

You know, like, oh, because I'm on, I'm 15 and I'm on an assembly line making an American sneakers.

Now I got to wear them.

No.

So it's like we created that world economy.

We've got people in India picking up our phone calls.

Boom.

World economy.

That's us.

We've got people in China buying our cars.

Boom.

World economy.

So they're benefiting from America and yet complaining about how great we are.

I don't understand.

There's a, again, to quote a philosopher, it's you're damned either way.

So, does this mean, given America's influence on the global economy, that we can expect the pretzel dog to enter the British food market within the next year or so?

You believe me, I've eaten British food.

We better hope the pretzel dog gets there.

Now, you mentioned China he's buying American cars.

I would point out that no one is buying American cars, including you.

That's absolutely untrue.

I drive a Toyota pickup truck that's built right here in the United States of America.

That's a joke.

And you'll notice,

but it's built in the USA now.

So what's the difference?

And wait, hold on.

You've seen my car.

Do I not have a magnet on the back that says support our troops and an American flag on the back?

So I just, okay, American car.

Define what an American car is.

It's a car driven by an American that says he supports our troops.

Boom.

American.

I think you're confusing an American car with a car that's built by an American company.

That's interesting.

Maybe you're right.

Yeah, like if I see a little Japanese man driving a bull, Japanese car.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, he's swerving in and out.

He doesn't know where he's going.

He's from Japan.

And of course, as well, you just had the Super Bowl.

The

greatest show on earth.

Greatest show on earth.

We did it again.

We're world champions, and we're the only ones in it.

Yeah?

That's right, World.

You don't even need, don't even bother having an American football team because we don't need you to have one.

We're the world champions.

How about that?

How about that?

Arizona plays Pittsburgh.

Boom.

World champions.

Did Arizona play

Athens, Greece?

No.

That would be a world game.

We don't even need to to have a world game to have world champions.

That should say something about how dominant we are.

Were you rooting for a particular team?

We don't need your permission, is what I'm saying.

Of course I was rooting for a particular team.

Pittsburgh Steelers.

It's a real American team.

The team's named after Steel, which is an American product.

You know, we invented steel.

No, you didn't invent steel.

Pretty sure we did.

Pretty sure we did.

You've annoyed the world with part of the stimulus package, which states that from stimulus projects should all be American goods.

They should buy American.

Yeah.

Which is, I mean, technically it's illegal under the World Trade rules.

No, but we're just telling Americans to buy American goods.

We're not telling everyone has to.

Yeah, I know what that is.

Well, in other words, if it doesn't matter what we do and you don't want to deal with us, then what would you care if we didn't buy, you know...

It's not fair, though, is it?

It's not wise.

It's not fair.

It's made in the USA.

It should say that on the back before you buy it.

But, I mean, could you not just buy other people's things and slam a little magnet saying support the troops USA on it?

That doesn't make any sense.

In other words, how can you buy something that's made in France and then put a sticker on it and now it's made in America?

But I thought that's what you just said.

Oh, with cars.

I said those cars are built here.

They're built by American hands.

I'm lost, Andy.

I'm lost.

Built by American hands.

I thought he was making sense, and then it's all falling apart again.

If the French opened a freedom fry factory, let's say, somewhere in the United States, and I was buying those fries from that company,

even if a French guy was behind it, I mean, I personally wouldn't buy anything from the French just because I don't trust them.

You know what what i mean and i think they're be honest with you i think they're obnoxious people i mean i i've had a few times where i'm on a subway or something a french guy gets

where am i going oh

i don't know where you're going i'll go back to if you don't know where you're going what are you doing here you know what i'm saying you what i gotta give you instructions now on where to go

but didn't the french basically invent half of america though what i'm sorry what'd you just say say that again i didn't hear was that an email because if that wasn't an email i prefer not to answer i don't mind answering emails but that seems like uh that seems like you're just trying to get under my skin.

I know that they did some stuff in Canada, and I could tell you this, if we felt like it, we could take whatever they did in Canada.

I would say three moves on the Stratego board.

We don't Canada.

But pretty much, you know, the whole of central part of America, that was France.

You just bought it off the French.

You're basically French.

Look.

Look.

He's gone for a while.

I'll tell you right.

I'll tell you right.

There's smoke coming out of your face.

You're smelling of garlic.

Let me collect.

I'll give you one piece of land we bought from the French, okay?

And it's a piece of land that was built poorly and it's Louisiana and there's a reason there's a reason that that hurricane did so much damage down there it's because it's French built so what we have to do we got to build that wall with American people and American engineers and we got to take all the French out of that city and then it will get back to itself is that why you built your own Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas That was a gag.

That was like a dare.

A guy was like, I dare to build an obnoxious French thing in Vegas.

And the other guy was like, I got enough money.

I'll do it.

And finally, what do you think of Bruce Springsteen at the Super Bowl?

That guy is what it's all about.

You're filling up, aren't you?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I mean, it's a beautiful thing.

I mean, first of all, guy's almost six years old.

Yeah.

He's sliding around the stage like

he's got ants in his pants over there.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't know what he's doing.

He's jumping, he's dancing, he's singing.

Hey, by the way, you notice with him, too?

It's always clean.

He doesn't ever go blue.

I respect that.

Oh, really?

He doesn't ever drop an F-bomb, you know, or a swear word.

Never.

He's always singing clean, and he's always thinking about one thing: being born right here in the USA.

I mean, you do understand that song was really a critique of Vietnam.

Which song was that?

Born in the USA?

Yeah.

No, I think that song was actually about how great it is to be born in the USA.

I'm pretty sure.

I mean, it's called Born in the USA.

I don't really know why everything's a debate today with you guys.

Have you ever listened to the verses of those songs?

Yeah, born in the USA.

I was born in the USA and then MMMM blah blah blah born in the USA.

I know the song.

I grew up listening to that song.

It's the blah blah blah blah blah but I think you might want to listen to a bit more.

And everything he says about New Jersey, you know, and then sometimes he'll think about other places in New Jersey, you know.

And then he's got that song about being from Jersey.

Yeah.

You know, and I love that other one about how like Jersey's like got swamps, you know.

I mean, he's got, there's just so much of it his home, you know, mainly'cause I'm from Jersey, you know.

But other than that, I mean, the guy is the boss, you know.

It's like, you can't call someone the boss if they're not in charge.

That's all I'm saying.

Well, do you have any message, any concluding message for the world in terms of people trying to recover their economies at the moment?

Yeah, I would say buy American goods.

No, that's not going to help.

That's not, people don't want to hear that.

Well, I remember growing up, my dad would say things like, oh, you know, like, don't eat paste.

Don't smoke cigarettes.

And I didn't want to hear it, but I didn't do it.

So this is the same thing.

It's us to the world.

It's like a parent, and I'm telling the world what's best for them.

That's all I'm trying to do.

You might not want to hear it, but if you listen, it will end up being the right thing to do.

If you buy American goods, a few things will happen.

Okay?

You buy American goods.

Let's just make up a product.

Okay.

Let's call them American widgets.

Okay.

That's just a very basic, that's like a fake thing.

You buy American widgets.

Now, me, Mr.

American widget maker, now he's got a lot of money.

So what do I do?

Maybe I take a trip.

I take a trip to some place like Las Vegas.

Now, I spend a lot of money at a casino in Las Vegas.

Some French guy comes in.

He wins a slot machine.

Why does that slot machine have money in it?

Because I spent a lot of my money there.

Now he goes home with money from that slot machine and he spends it on like a French bread at a bakery or whatever they eat over there.

I have no idea.

Cheese and bread, I don't know.

And cigarettes, whatever they do over there.

And berets, right?

So now he's buying from some French guy, berets.

Where did he get that money?

America.

So all you people have to do is come over here, win in a casino, hopefully not steal it, but whatever, somehow figure out how to get the money back from us and then spend it in your countries.

The money is here.

You just have to come and figure out how to get it.

It's a motivator.

That's your

economy works.

It's a world economic

of trickle-down economics.

It's not trickle-owned.

It's trickle-down.

It's American.

It's a casino.

It's Americ,

okay?

They used to think the world revolves around the earth, and they, oh, no, it revolves around the sun, right?

That world keeps saying, oh, the world revolves around the world.

No, it revolves around America.

We're the sun.

All you guys have to do is come close to the sun and take a little bit of the heat.

That's all you got to do.

It's right here for you.

It's so simple.

Oh, it makes sense again.

He's done it.

Next thing you know, the baker in France, he's sitting pretty.

American, thank you once again for your words of wisdom and bridge building.

You guys are great.

I really always have fun with you guys.

Right, I'm afraid that has taken up the space for your email.

So we will have a special extended email section next week, including all your complaints or praise for the American.

Do keep your emails coming in to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

And we've had some absolute cawkers this week.

So we're reading them out next week when they're slightly out of date.

Sport now.

And well, John, as you mentioned, the Super Bowl was a triumph for America.

Dramatic game.

Springsteen, though, the unquestionable highlight.

And for me, the highlight was when he said, is there anybody alive out there at the start of his set?

And, you know, as a comedian, I admire that because that is what I have to usually say at the end of my gigs.

And also, I enjoyed it when his his guitarist and henchman shouted out, it's boss time.

Yeah, it was boss time.

Set your glocks to boss.

The only thing, I thought he meant it boss

as a verb.

He was going to start embossing something, carving an ornamental decoration to go on the ceiling in the cathedral.

That would have been a very interesting half-time show.

Sure.

Or, you know, maybe he meant boss in the zoological sense of the word, in other words, a protuberance on the body of an animal.

And I thought, oh, it's taken America years to even start getting over Janet Jackson's Wazak popping out for a tenth of a second.

This is the last thing they need.

I was intrigued.

Has God said anything about the defeat of Kurt Warner, his favourite quarterback?

Well, I think, yeah, I mean, Kurt's a bit shaken by that, obviously, because he was under the impression that God was going to win him that Super Bowl due to how he was such great friends with God.

Yeah, and I did see one of his press conferences afterwards, Kurt Warner, one of God's biggest fans in the NFL.

And he said these words, I can't believe the great Lord called that play with less than a minute to go.

What a prize dick bag.

I've prayed to that guy so hard and so often in my career and then he screws me over like that.

I knew I should have signed for the Confusions when I had the chance.

Very sad.

Swimming news now and Michael Phelps, the world's greatest swimmer, has let the entire planet down by being photographed acting like a normal 23 year old.

In the offending photographs, Phelps, 23, was clearly not in a swimming pool, not wearing any sponsor's kit, not breaking any world records and most damningly of all, not being freakishly good at something that he's devoted an inhumane quantity of time and effort to.

I feel sick, John.

This man has let us all down.

Phelps spent his life swimming from one end of a pool to the other and back again pretty f ⁇ ing quickly.

But he was snapped at a party inhaling from a bong that might have had some marijuana in.

And in doing so, John, at no point did he stretch the human body beyond what was previously thought possible whilst displaying an indomitable competitive spirit and stratospheric will to win.

I thought that was a real shame from the man.

He's let all his fans down.

And really, this photograph, this one photograph, this one little lapse of judgment, as he described it, has rendered Phelps' 14 Olympic gold medals and 32 world records just a stinking footnote in the annals of our once noble species athletic achievements.

Now, really worth little more than 45-year-old accounts executive Roger Watkins' personal best of three scrunched-up balls of paper lobbed consecutively into his office waste paper bin.

It's resulted in Phelps, the former 22-year-old, being dropped by one of his sponsors, the serial behemoths Kellogg's, who decided that Phelps' single-minded dedication to biomechanical perfection in a chlorinated aquatic context was behaviour, quote, not consistent with the image of Kellogg.

And it's certainly ill-befitting the makers of adequate breakfast food to be associated with a man like that.

He's been suspended from swimming for three months and warns not to repeat his lifetime of self-sacrifice.

So, in a show of support for Michael Phelps, John, and I think he's taken an unfair battering from the notoriously drug-free media industry.

I'm going to boycott swimming for the next three months.

I might have the odd bath, but I won't waggle my legs in it.

In fact, I might start even going down to my local swimming baths and booing anyone who is swimming or looks like they might be about to go for a swim.

You know what they look like John.

Not many clothes on, goggles on the face.

Dead giveaway.

But it's a shame he's going to be, that's all he's going to be remembered for now, John.

That one photograph, not for being the closest a human being has ever come to being a speedboat.

Swimming is dead.

And just time for the bugle forecast.

Well, last week's forecast, John, was on the pigeons.

So, what's the pigeon situation?

Well, the pigeon situation is that's another thing that the snow screwed over.

Oh, no way.

Pigeon man couldn't put his ladder up.

It was too slippery on the ground.

The pigeons are still there.

That's a disaster.

I'll tell you what, the snow didn't stop, John.

It didn't stop the pigeons shitting on my doorstep.

So, let's have a rollover prediction then, Andy.

Do you think the snow will still have prevented your pigeon massacre next week?

It won't have prevented it, John.

It's just a question of whether it's done professionally or by me with a cricket bat up a ladder.

So, that's it from the Bugle for this week.

Keep emailing us thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

And in the meantime, if you see a pigeon tell it to go f itself from me

bye-bye buglers goodbye

hi buglers it's producer chris here i just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast mildly informed which is in podcast feeds and youtube right now quite simply it's a show where me and my friend richie review literally anything so please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.