Selling Barack Obama's seat

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 56 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday the 15th of December 2008 with me Andy Zaltzmann here in London and in New York City.

It's Mr.

John Oliver.

Hello Andy.

Hello.

Hello buglers.

I might have to apologise for my voice a little bit today.

It's a mixture of exhaustion at the end of a busy year, an oncoming cold and karaoke.

Oh dear.

The two of those are at least partially excusable.

It's giving my voice a rasping quality which I think is very sexy though Andy.

Really John?

I'm not feeling that yet.

Oh yeah, not yet.

Not yet.

Well I'm not saying anything seductive yet.

I'm just sounding tired.

It was our office Christmas party last night.

It was Rob Wriggles last day.

No, he's probably the most manly man I've ever met.

Present company, very much included there, Andy.

What do you mean?

I benched 350.

You don't even know what that means.

Good point.

In tribute, I serenaded him on karaoke with the song Wind Beneath My Wings.

And I think he was simultaneously both moved and provoked.

He's like a lion who comes up to you and places its head on your shoulder, but knows that it retains the ability to kill you.

So we haven't really had a Bugle office party though, have we?

Yeah, we've

not had a bugle office party, John, but we're still trying to find a venue that is equidistant between London and New York that isn't in the sea.

What's the situation regarding the new miniatures Altsman?

Well, Andy, because

there was talk of this bugle with you being really in a hospital car park.

Yes, I could easily have been holding a pair of forceps and a tranquiliser gun.

But

no, I haven't.

I know you often start these bugles, John, with stories of who you've met this week.

Well, I'll tell you who I haven't met this week.

My new son and/or daughter.

So there is no baby Zaltzmann yet, at least not that my wife has told me about.

Although, for all I know, she could have had it already and just be wandering around with a space hoffer stuffed up by jumper just to spite me.

Wimino.

Stop non-name-dropping, Andy.

I had my Andy Zaltzman Incorporated office party, which involved me and my wife going out for lunch.

so it was pretty raucous.

Yeah, did it get a bit out of hand?

It kicked off.

Did you photocopy your nudges?

Well, no, not this time, but I did have them painted.

But you know, I'm more of a traditionalist in that regard.

But it's less sort of like an 18th-century themed office party.

So, I mean, what do you think we should do for the bugle office party, John?

That's hard to say, isn't it?

I guess like a meal somewhere followed by a kind of a two-man riot in the streets.

Right.

Maybe we should get into a physical fist fight.

Sounded like an ordinary day to me.

Oh yeah, well, you live hard, Andy, that's always been said.

Live hard, die hard.

Or at least I did the latter part of that at my gigs.

So

anyway, this is the Bugle for the week beginning the 15th of December, which means it is 500 years ago this month, John, since Michelangelo began work on Assisting Chapel, as covered in Bugle 34 and the Mickey Paintbrush story.

This week, ironically, John, exactly 500 years since that moment 500 years ago, ago, a man called Dave began painting our spare room.

And isn't it quirky how isn't it quirky how history repeats on itself?

Does Dave have the same kind of ambition?

I don't think so.

You know, he's a solid workman.

He's doing an excellent job within the rather restrictive parameters that we've set him.

Have you seen just paint it all boned?

Basically, yeah.

I don't know.

I mean, I don't get the feeling that he's bursting to be more creative, but

outstanding performer, Dave.

But anyway, even more importantly than Mickey Paintbrush getting stuck into the cystine in 1508, on Saturday the 13th, John, it was five years since al-Qaeda chief operations officer Saddam Hussein was captured in exile in Iraq.

And the 6'2 inch Islamic Fundamentalist and part-time warlord is still awaiting trial in Guantanamo Bay today.

I'm confused.

I'm very confused.

Well, you've, you know, it's a dramatic week for you, Andy.

Cut yourself some slack.

As always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin.

This week a fast food section because the year 2008 John means just one thing to food lovers that it's 50 years since the invention of instant noodles and 25 years since McDonald's developed the chicken McNugget.

To commemorate the former here is an audio instant joke.

Now, if you put your MP3 player or stereo in boiling water and stir it and play that joke again, I think you'll find it's a pretty witty quip about why I am like a large piece of furniture made out of a crocodile.

By which I mean I'm a snappy dresser.

Oh, there you go.

Oh, oh, Andy.

But you'd only hear that if you've doused you.

Also, you, you know, just point of interest there, Andy, McDonald's did not invent the chicken nugget, it evolved.

Well, you say that, John.

To mark the launch of the McNuggets here, in this section in the bin, we will be looking back on the life and times of the man who inspired this culinary revulsion revolution, Franco Luigi Chickens McNugget, the Italio-Scottish gangster who used to threaten rival mobsters all the way from Palermo to John of Groats by leaving breaded chicken testicles on their pillows.

Also in the fast food section, after allegations that British chain toasty woofwoof has been serving whole newborn Daxon puppies in its hyper-realistic superior range of hot dogs, we investigate what really goes into your snack?

Is that lettuce in your burger or the severed wings of fairies' fetuses?

It's lettuce, but the fact that I even had to ask that question means that the answer is irrelevant.

They might as well call it the tinkerbell burger.

Also in the bin and audio skiing section in which John and I will be speaking specially loudly so you can hear it whilst plummeting downhill at 100km an hour towards a tree.

And we look at the role of snow in the history of skiing.

Would it be such a popular winter activity if snow did not exist?

Plus, we look at which of the great composers from history would have made good ski jumpers.

The following would have been good.

Mendelssohn, Rimsky-Korsakov, Schubert, and Purcell.

and the worst would have been Beethoven because he was deaf he couldn't have heard the ground approaching

top story this week and world-class corruption Andy an incredible story of corruption came out of Illinois this week and this is even impressive by Illinois standards the state that made it possible for Al Capone to live out the Italian American dream this this story concerns Rod Blogojevich the Democratic governor of Illinois a state so riddled with corruption that the FBI agent in charge of the investigation said during the press conference, if it isn't the most corrupt state in the US, it's certainly one hell of a competitor.

You may well say, oh, you know, it's not that impressive then.

He's governor of Illinois.

Of course he's corrupt.

I would just say, think of the number of corrupt people he must have beaten to become governor.

This guy is the best of the best, or indeed the worst of the worst, depending on how you look at it.

Andy, I don't say this lightly.

This is corruption on a Berlusconian scale.

Wow.

Big words, John.

Big words.

I don't bandy that around.

Let's remember that Silvio remains the standard by which other political crooks will be judged.

He's the high watermark for weasels.

I'm going to go even further, Andy.

Blagoevich is the plastico-bares of politics.

And I can't think of higher praise than that.

Well, it's alleged that he tried to sell Obama's old Senate seat.

And I want to ask, John, is there anything really wrong with that?

I mean, do we want capitalism or not?

I mean, it's surely all or nothing.

Blagojevich is merely trying to stop communism sneaking back in whilst capitalism is going through its little spell.

Well, is there anything wrong with it?

I mean, I guess it means legally or morally, to which both of us, the answer is yes.

Well, you say that, John, but you know, in the transcripts, Blagojevich said that the seat was, quotes, a fing valuable thing.

You don't just give it away for nothing.

And I think it's good to see someone prizing democracy so highly.

That's right, but come on, Andy.

That could mean anything.

You could take anything entirely in context and make it look badly.

But the White Hub also picked up Blogoevich apparently being annoyed at Obama's assumption that this transition of power might be able to not involve the exchange of money and favours.

And he said of him, give this mother his senator, f him, for nothing, f him.

Ouch, Andy.

I'm guessing a pardon is out of the question now.

Besides, that's president, mother to you.

Show some respect.

If that phrase rings a bell, Andy, that may be because give this motherfuck the presidency, f him, was one of Hillary Clinton's most popular campaign bumper stickers.

I guess, though, it was inevitable, though.

This is Barack Obama's old Senate seat.

And, you know, ever since the election, the market for Obama memorabilia is skyrocketing.

So, you know, it's understandable that he thinks he can make a tidy profit.

When everything, even the little pencil that he used to write his first speech as a six-year-old Obama to a classroom full of inspired classmates.

Yes, old MacDonald had a a farm, and we must strive to ensure that he is able to keep that farm as long as he wants to.

And we must give old MacDonald the help and advice to make his farm a more secure and profitable business.

Perhaps old MacDonald himself would like to reassess the counterproductive diversity of his livestock and poultry portfolio.

But anyway, with individuals like old MacDonald and the greater public of America working together for our common good, unified by a belief in freedom and sound agricultural principles, children, we can create a nursery rhyme we can believe in

with a moo-moo here.

Blagojevich has faced allegations of misconduct and ethical violations almost since the first day he was elected after campaigning on a promise to, what else, clean up government in Illinois.

You have to say that, though.

And also, to be fair to him, he did wink whenever he said that and had mentioned that he was running an ironic campaign.

But I think voters just failed to pick up on his signals.

Well, that's like, you know, at the start of a court case, you know, everyone always says the whole truth, nothing but the truth.

And we all know no one means it.

Among the many, many charges being laid against him are conspiracy to commit fraud and solicitation to commit bribery, which include him trying to shake down a children's hospital for campaign contributions.

He threatened to cut off funding to a children's hospital.

Not even a normal hospital.

A hospital for children.

Anyone can shake down a hospital, Andy.

I've done it myself.

I'm sure you have too.

But a children's hospital, that requires an almost inhuman lack lack of conscience.

When you have a conscience that small, you're basically a cat.

But the allegation that really got him into trouble was, as you mentioned, that he was essentially trying to sell the Senate seat, which has now been vacated by Obama to the highest bidder.

And how do you even make money from something like that?

Andy, it's an open Senate seat, not a Mercedes.

You can't just place it on a garage forecourt and say, this is an absolutely beautiful Senate seat.

Real steel, this one.

Only generally used by a politician with national ambitions who used it when he wasn't on a campaign trail what can i do to put you in this senate seat today

just sit in it sit in it try it out see how it feels oh you look terrific it's ergonomic

this is of course john only one side of the story that you're giving here uh and if i may just give the other side of the story from uh blagoevich's own website which surprisingly and in contrast to for example uh the us and world media and also the rest of the internet is not actually leading with the news of his arrest and the charges he faces.

In fact, the two top items on his website two hours ago before I came into recording, Governor Blagojevich meets with laid-off workers protesting at Republic windows and doors.

He says he's showing solidarity and stressing the importance of protecting workers' rights.

And also, Governor launches annual Keep Kids Warm and Safe campaign.

So let's focus on the positives, John.

Just not healthy.

Well, yeah, I mean, you know, why must we always focus on the bad things like allegedly trying to profit from illegally selling a sanity and not on all the children he's kept warm and safe?

What a cynical world we live in.

Okay, Andy, well, let's do that.

Let's talk about the more positive sides to this man.

One, he has the most incredible hair.

I mean, it looks bulletproof.

If you fired a gun at it, you wouldn't even bend a follicle.

It's so magnificent.

It's dangerous.

It's the kind of hair which people follow.

It's a hypnotic hairdo.

If you gaze into it, you can see your own soul.

I'm not exaggerating, Andy.

He can probably use that hair as currency in jail.

But as always, sport has in fact led the way in satirizing the situation.

According to the Associated Press, John, minor league ice hockey stars the Las Vegas Wranglers are going to wear black and white striped prison style uniforms at one of their forthcoming games.

Will also feature on their shirts spoof prison issue numbers on their jerseys with the letters I L L G O V as in Illinois Governor before the player's regular number.

They're also going to auction a top-of-the-range seat at one of their games to the highest bidder.

Take that, Blagojevich.

Lampooned by an ice hockey team.

And not just any ice hockey team, John, an ice hockey team from Las Vegas.

An ice hockey team in a desert.

A team that has lampooned nature itself simply by existing.

I think we should take them on, Andy, as the Bugles ice hockey team.

Yeah.

The Bugles' favourite ice hockey team.

Wranglers till I die.

What's even more incredible, Andy, is that the day before this story broke, the previous day,

Blakojevich was asked about the rumour that he was being bugged and was about to be charged and he said this.

I should say, if anybody wants to take my conversations, go right ahead.

Feel free to do it.

I appreciate anybody who wants to take me openly and notoriously.

And those who feel like they want to sneakily wear taping devices, I would remind them that it kind of smells like Nixon and Watergate.

But I don't care whether you take me privately or publicly, I can tell you that whatever I say is always lawful and the things I'm interested in are always lawful.

And he, he's mad.

He's out of his mind, or he has no short-term memory whatsoever.

He's essentially a goldfish.

Or, or perhaps he just forgot to say, you can absolutely take me starting now.

From now on, nothing illegal.

From now.

I can only hope you weren't taping over the last couple of weeks because, well, never mind.

The point is, from now, we're all agreed.

British News Now and Northern Irish artist Michael Stone is facing 16 years in jail after an ambitious piece of performance art was drastically misinterpreted by the judicial system as an ambitious piece of attempted murder.

Stone, whose previous portfolio of works includes loyalist killings numbers 1, 2 and 3 and Paramilitary, an autobiographical self-installation piece involving 20 years of violence and terror, was convicted for his controversial November 2006 work Storming Stormont, in which he attempted to burst into the Parliament buildings in Stormont, carrying a gun, a knife, and a bomb with the intention of artistically bumping off Sinn Féin leaders Jerry Adams and Martin McGuinness.

Well, John, I just think it's a sad day when society prizes art so little.

It's

an innovator like Stone is hauled up in front of the beaks.

I mean this is censorship of the worst kind.

This surely is as well, Andy, one of the great terrorist offences to essentially try and kill two people and then say, oh, it was supposed to be performance art.

It is, frankly, disappointing that we're not seeing anything that imaginative down in Guantanamo.

And it just goes to show what we had with the Arist troubles, Andy.

Joni Ritchell was right.

You really don't know what you've got till it's gone.

The judge said that Stone's defense that his actions were a comic parody was, quotes, hopelessly unconvincing and self-contradictory.

One star review, John.

Of all the things you can say about Michael Stone, what you can't say is that he isn't entertaining in court.

Because he has really brought something to the table there.

Again, he's seen there's a big credit crunch and he's thought, like Plaxico, how can I entertain?

What can I,

terrorist Michael Stone, do?

This has to go down as one of the greatest excuses in criminal history, along with Jack the Ripper, when he said it was for a school science project.

What are you saying?

I was supposed to dissect a gerbil.

Oh, my mistake.

Lee Harvey Oswald's, ah, just saw a wasp on the president's neck, and I was trying to shoot it off in case it stung him.

And O.J.

Simpson's, I'm O.J., you know, the ex-football star.

Used to be in a few films.

Ah, geez.

Great OJ impression, Andy.

Thanks, mate.

I've been working on it.

And you just nailed him there.

I've spent a whole week in an American football helmet just to try and get in the part.

Well, you could tell, Andy, that was time well spent.

And British Barack Obama news now, and the Supreme Court in the US, threw out an appeal that Barack Obama is, in fact, too British to become President of the United States.

Now, there's good and bad news there.

The good news is that that means that he's just British enough, but the bad news is that they insist that he's not actually British at all.

And this case stems from the fact that Obama's father was born in Kenya at a point when it was under British rule.

Happy days, Auntie.

Oh, such happy days.

For the Brits, not so much for the Kenyans.

Therefore, his father had a British passport, and the appeal claims that this meant that Obama was born a British citizen.

That means he's ours, Andy.

This means we either take him and he becomes Prime Minister of Britain, or it means that we now control America again.

Bengal.

Wanted to be Yankees, make your choice.

According to British law

at the time.

Which is an odd way to decide these things.

He is British.

He is British.

No matter where he was born, the fact that he had a British-owned father, essentially, means that he belongs to the Queen.

The question that I need to ask, John, though, is how can anyone be too British to be president?

I mean, surely America should want someone who is as British as possible.

Those are all the qualities you want in a president.

You want someone with the great British virtues like talking English, wearing clothes and using napkins.

And that is what you need in a president.

They should be disqualifying people from not being British enough.

The claim about Obama was brought by a man called Leo Donofrio, who is both a lawyer and a professional gambler.

He was essentially a constitutional fundamentalist.

He also wanted McCain to be disqualified because he was not technically born on American soil.

He was born in Panama whilst his father was doing something hugely un-American, I believe, serving in the American armed forces.

But technically, according to the the Constitution, D'Onofrio said that neither Obama nor McCain was therefore eligible.

You've got to be born on U.S.

soil.

He means actual soil.

You've got to plop out into a bit of proper stars and stripes embossed mud and be caked in American earth for the first hour of your life to be eligible to be president, preferably in the exact geographical centre of mainland USA.

It's a very odd term, this natural-born citizen, John.

I don't know, do you consider yourself a natural-born Brit?

Well, I mean, I don't really know what that means.

No.

But it's a very odd.

A natural-born citizen.

I remember when Matilda was born, John, almost two years ago now, roughly what happened was Miranda was kind of going,

and all of a sudden...

That is a rough interpretation.

So, yeah, so it was all the wailing and...

I'll put that line up there with your OJ impression, Andy.

There's two very idiosyncratic impressions.

Well, I do OJ or childbirth.

Which do you want to hear?

So it was, yeah, basically, Matt Meh.

Could you do OJ giving birth, Andy?

Could you do that now?

Go on.

Do that.

OJ giving giving birth to a child.

I'm O.J.

Simpson.

You know.

So anyway, so what roughly what has happened?

If we go back to the natural-born citizen joke.

Was it where?

Where?

Congratulations, Mr.

and Mrs.

Altsman.

You've got a beautiful baby citizen.

Oh, thank God, I said to Miranda.

I really wanted a natural-born citizen to save money on expensive surgery later.

But this guy is clearly an absolute nutter, John.

He said this is from his original application to the courts.

Senator John McCain is an American patriot who has valiantly suffered more for his country than most of us ever will.

He has shown bravery beyond that which the country has any right to ask.

And it is with very deep and sincere regret that I respectfully request that this honourable court order the secretaries of the several states to remove McCain's name from the ballots.

Very deep.

Very sincere.

You know, if he could do anything else, you know, I'd let him stay on.

My hands are tied.

I'm mad, you see.

They're ties by madness.

They're tied by the Constitution, John.

He continues in his blog.

I couldn't have shown the candidates any more respect, but both of them should have known that if either were to become president, despite the loyalty they have for this country, now this is where it gets interesting.

The dam would be broken and the waters of foreign influence would be forever capable of drowning our national sovereignty and placing our military in the hands of enemies from within.

Now, this, John, is where he crossed the line from constitutional pedant to institutionable penis.

Did he write this down, Andy, or did he shout this at traffic?

I don't know.

When he shouted it at traffic, someone wrote it down and put it up on his website as a blog.

More British influence news now and Canada.

A Canada news would normally be nothing more, Andy, than a weather forecast of still cold, but not this week.

Not this week, Andy.

There was chaos in the Great White North, in a country that usually takes pride in how stable it is.

Things have got so bad up there that there are rumours that some households in downtown Toronto have even been locking their front doors at night.

Canada.

Canada truly is on the brink.

Andy, gangs of people waving hockey sticks are marauding through the streets.

The only thing preventing complete societal breakdown is the fact that it's so cold there that if you stay outside for longer than 20 minutes, you freeze to death.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who was re-elected just two months ago, was facing a vote of no confidence that he was almost certain to lose.

So he asked the Governor-General, who represents the Queen of England, the Queen, the biggest queue there is, to suspend Parliament until the 26th of January.

Who knew, Andy, the Queen was still so involved?

She runs that joint.

Well, I answer your question, who knew that Britain was still so involved?

And I would imagine that the Queen didn't even know that.

What are you asking me for?

It does seem disappointing that a supposedly independent country would go running to mommy the second that things start getting tough.

They're like one of those creepy 11-year-old kids who still breastfeed.

And in other British news, the display of tobacco in shops is to be banned in England and Wales under government plans.

There have been a lot of complaints, John, that this is another example of the nanny state.

But it would be quite a bad and inconsistent nanny, John, that wouldn't let your children see cigarette packets, but would thrust in their little faces cheap whiskey, processed processed cheese, pornography, and birthday cards.

People are asking, is this the government's responsibility to hide cigarettes behind the counter?

Well, I guess the government would say, well, it's determined to cut smoking further in its battle against cancer and gravelly singing voices.

And by pretending that cigarettes don't exist, it's kind of the kind of low-level hide-and-seek that you play with two-year-olds, and that's basically how the government treats its subjects.

But maybe this will help.

Will it work, John?

Well, smokers so far have not been put off smoking by, for example, the prospect of years of ill health followed by a slow and agonising death.

So having to ask for cigarettes without being able to point at the exact packet they want is not going to prove to be an insurmountable obstacle.

The government's planned further measures to dissuade people from smoking, including smearing all cigarettes in the mucus of emphysema sufferers, legally obliging shopkeepers to punch customers in the face whenever they buy cigarettes, keeping all cigarettes in a pit of poisonous snakes, having crack teams of police liaison officers with loudhailers to try to talk smokers who look like they're about to buy cigarettes out of doing it, and also fitting shops with an alarm which, when a customer asks for cigarettes, plays a siren and the words paedophile alert.

Because, John, anything that adds to the difficulty and stigma of buying cigarettes has to be good for this nation.

That's what the government thinks.

Who am I to argue with it?

They should have the balls to go through with it to its logical conclusion.

Your emails now and well, thank you very much for all your suggestions for what I should call my child.

Some outstanding suggestions, uh I have to say.

Uh this uh came from Catherine Blackley in Ithaca, New York.

Andy should look to the periodic table of elements when naming his son or daughter.

There are a lot of great options for boys.

My favourites are strontium, calcium, and xenon.

Oh, nice.

A girl could be chlorine.

Not sure about that.

No, she couldn't.

Or oxygen.

Matt Kendrick from Arizona said, Andy's baby should be named Guy, Jean-Paul, Gilbert, Anne-Marie, Yves, Napoleon, Bolzac, Zaltzmann, because, as established in the very first fact off of the bugle, Andy is a flaming Frenchie.

You are a flaming Frenchie, Andy.

Right up there with the greatest flaming Frenchie, Joan of Arc.

There's one here from Nick Filardi, who he suggests King Arthur Zaltzmann.

When you see this on a resume, you can't help but think, he led the Knight of the Round Table, he can sure as shit manage my grocery store.

Optimus Prime Zaltzman, a good alternative to King Arthur for a girl, Optimus Prime Zaltz would be good.

Or Hella Zaltzmann.

When people see him, they'll think, wow, that's one Hella Zaltzmann.

This one comes from David Parr, who writes, Sir Andy and Duke Oliver.

Well, I think you've been over-promoted.

Anyway, he writes, How about Plaxico?

I'm already liking this.

Hardthwick Obama Norbert Zaltzman.

His initials will therefore be Fons, the same as the world's greatest Jewish superhero, Fons, from TV's happy days.

Plaxico was suggested by a couple of people.

I mean, it's going to be hard to turn that down, Plaxico.

Yeah.

It's the right thing to do.

Yeah.

Graham Anthony Trudeau writes, Andy's baby should be called Pachinko, and goes on to say, ultimately, I need the name for my hedgehog, so I will likely name it after Andy's baby or one of the suggested names your baby might already have some influence in the world there's a hedgehog somewhere who's just waiting for him or her to be born well that's interesting because we wrote a list of names uh as you do yeah and on that list of boys names uh was spike which would be quite a good name for a hedgehog so excellent He signs off, Andy, by saying, here's hoping your newborn doesn't pee in your face.

Thank you, Matt.

That's a lovely thing to say.

That is a lovely thing to say.

Say thank you to Matt, Andy.

Oh, Thank you very much.

It's good to know that I have the support of all buglers around the world for not getting urine in my face.

I have to say, Matt, although I respect your right to say that, I disagree.

I hope Andy's newborn does pee in his face because it's classic slapstick.

What black and white movies have you been watching, John?

I'm not sure that was supposed to be slapstick.

Tom Mulderig says, hello, Andy, but not John.

In this context, I understand that, and I accept it.

He said, I would like to friendly suggest to you, Andy, that the name for your incoming offspring should be

Zemtsvorzoltzmann, after the short-lived form of local government implemented in Tsarist Russia from 1863 to 1917.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good.

In history,

and you got the alliteration, as he goes on to say, good alliteration for that.

Zemtsvog Zoltzmann.

Yep.

Well, that's kind of appropriate because it was, of course, the threat of Russia that in many ways partially prompted my Lithuanian grandfather to upsticks upsticks and leave to South Africa in the 1920s, I think.

Actually,

he makes some very strong arguments for this.

First off, with Zemsvo Zoltzmann, you've got the alliteration in there without having to name your child something ridiculous like Zebedee or Zebra.

So that's good.

Good point.

That's good.

And it goes on to say, here's a final thought.

Have you ever heard of a tyrant or evil dictator that was called Zemsfo?

I suppose you could argue that means we're due for one, but I prefer to go by the statistics.

Good point, Tom.

He says, name your child Zemsfo Zoltzmann and no one gets us.

That's an unusual form of threat.

Hard to argue with that.

And this one comes from Stephanie Cohan who writes, I've concluded the best name for your child is Waltzing.

Not only is it gender neutral but Waltzing Zaltzmann is a fine rhyme scheme.

But most of all you have the added bonus of dedicating both of your children's names to the unofficial Australian national anthem.

Should the two ever visit the Land Down Under together.

The fame of Waltzing and Matilda Zaltzmann is assured.

What names could better commemorate a hobo nicking a sheep and drowning himself to evade capture?

Yours bugly, Stephanie Cohan in upstate New York.

P.S.

And John, I don't know how to tell you this, but it's your website.

It's passed on.

Did you know this?

There are rumours it's died of neglect.

Oh, no.

Us buglers had a memorial service and remember the site, not as it is, but as it used to be.

Oh, rest in peace

in ones and zeros.

You loved that website, didn't you?

I did.

I I've raised it like it was my own, which it was.

That bodes badly if you ever have children.

You're going to get someone else to do a bit of work on it when it's a week old.

And then forget about it until it's dead.

It's just old-fashioned parenting, Andy.

It was good enough for the Victorians.

It should be good enough now.

Exactly!

So, thanks for your suggestions for what to call my child.

As

said last week, though, I'm the winner of this competition.

Well, I, my wife, and I are the winners of this competition.

Steady, Andy.

Steady.

Bad instinct there.

And we'll reveal the winning name.

That's right, we.

Either next week or in a subsequent bugle.

So thanks very much for all your emails.

Do keep them cascading in to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Oh, we still haven't done the Hotties from History roundup we've been promising for about the last four weeks.

So we'll do it next week.

We'll do it before the year is out.

Yeah, which year we don't know.

A quick sports section now, and well, history is beckoning once again.

Careful.

It happened this time last year with the Miami Dolphins.

Yeah, we got excited, though, and they let us down, Andy.

They were about to go through the whole season without registering a win.

Immortality was within their incompetent grasp, and they fumbled it in a typical Miami Dolphins way.

And this year, I don't even want to mention the name of the team that could do it John there is a team there is a team that are looking at zero wins in a season and they are from a state which really cannot catch a break at the moment

it is the the football team really are the bellwether for how that state is doing this year I will simply say good luck to the lions and when I say good luck

You've said it now, John.

I just think there's no point winning one game.

You deserve to have that record.

Also in sports, the BBC Sports Personality of the Year will have happened on Saturday tomorrow as we record.

And surely, John, Plaxico Boris must have it sewn up like a successful appendectomy patient.

It's a fix.

It's a fix if he hasn't got it.

I mean, what, you know,

I know he's not qualified because he's not a British sports player, but even so.

He transcends national boundaries, Andy.

What he did was for all of us.

Or just for America.

Yeah, people have won all kinds of Olympics, but not many people have shot themselves in the leg for the greater good of humanity.

That's right.

It's Plaxico's to lose.

I'm telling you, there will be riots in the street if he doesn't win that.

There's been quite a lot of debates, John, about who deserves to win here.

We've got Lewis Hamilton, obviously Formula One champion, various...

Why not, John?

Plaxico Andy.

I'm sorry.

It has to be him.

It has to be.

He deserves it.

I think you and me are in a minority of two in hoping that Plaxico Barrett walks off with the PBC sports personality of the year.

But people have been complaining about Hamilton Hoy, he only won because he's got such a good car.

But then you can say Chris Hoy only won the three Olympic cycling goals because he's got a bicycle.

Yeah, would Michael Johnson have been the 400-metre run he was without his special legs?

That's right.

Would Andy Murray been so successful without being Scottish and therefore fired by the injustices of history?

Hey, Tom?

Freedom!

Footfall!

F you!

And finally the bugle forecast.

Well, it's the same forecast as last week.

By this time next week, will I have a child?

Yeah, I think so.

I think it's coming.

I'm going to go for yes this week.

I think it's coming.

And I actually think it'll be before Friday.

I think you'll be back next Friday.

Back next Friday.

Baby win hand.

Back with a baby.

Come hell or high water, somehow I will get another.

If it's mine or someone else's, I will be in the studio with a baby

next Friday.

Bye.

In fact, if she's in Labour, if she goes into Labour next Friday, this studio is kitted out with a delivery suite.

I could just shout over the noise.

That could be the greatest podcast in history and the loudest hello buglers ring ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding

bye bye buglers bye bye buglers and good luck andy thanks job thanks

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.