Literally, shooting oneself in the foot

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers, and welcome to what I'm told is issue 56 of the Bugle.

Some controversy over whether last week's Thanksgiving special was 55 or 54 sub-issue one.

Tom, the producer, is insisting it's 55, which means this is 56.

John, that means you weren't in 55.

How do you feel about that?

Well, I feel

there was no way that was a full bugle.

No way.

No way.

And history will judge it like that.

It's an aberration.

Tom's revoking his decision.

This is now issue 55.

Yes!

The website will be revised.

Issue 55 of the bugle with me, Andy Zoltzmann here in London and in New York City.

John Oliver.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Bugle.

Restored to your rightful place in issue 55.

Exactly.

55.

I would have felt like I was really missing out on some things.

Good that revisionist history can still work.

I'm back, Andy.

I'm back from Vegas.

You survived it.

Well...

Did you get married?

Yes and no.

No, I didn't get married, but I did divorce myself from part of my soul.

A quickie divorce, was it?

Yeah, just a quickie.

And Elvis did it as well.

My soul was badly affected by what it had been forced to see there.

And in fact, it was choking, just leave me here, go on without me, as I tried to save it.

I'll tell you what else I left left there as well, Andy.

My wallet.

I had my wallet stolen just outside the airport, which was strangely fitting, as somehow I had miraculously won quite a bit of the casinos from not knowing how any of the games work.

And it's almost like this is the built-in insurance policy in Nevada.

Oh, you're up.

Congratulations.

That's great news.

Just give us your entire wallet as you leave, please.

But the only thing I'll really miss from my wallet, Andy, is I carried around an autograph from Ian Rush, the Liverpool football player in my wallet since I got it when I was 11 years old I've carried around for 20 years right and now it's gone but in an act of incredible yin and yang I'd met strangely David Beckham out in Vegas by chance I personally had handled that meeting very badly my hands were shaking my mouth went dry and I managed to be unable to complete a coherent sentence well he's a good looking man well he's a beautiful man but out of the blue he sent me a signed football the day after I got back from Vegas really he says too John nice to meet you David Beckham that is is a big yang to a very annoying ying.

Great.

Are you going to bring that along to Tuesday football next time you're back here?

Yeah, I'll do it.

I'll bring it, but you're not touching it.

There were many strange incidents in my time there, Andy.

Rob Riggle took me to a gun range where...

Of course,

exactly.

Where I fired my first gun.

And as I placed my finger on the trigger of a machine gun, Wriggle looked over at me and I was visibly nervous.

And he said to me, When you pull that trigger, don't be ashamed to scream out, get some.

Is that part of his marine training?

I think it must be.

It's not a safe thing to do.

Fire a machine gun for the first time whilst convulsing with laughter.

Well, just imagine how, I mean, that must be how, you know, when people fought the Italians in the Second World War.

Something very similar.

I haven't got any celebrity stories as usual.

Although I did sit in a waiting room for a radio studio next to Darren Goff, the legendary England cricketer, for about 20 seconds.

Well, that is definitely a celebrity story, I mean.

Well, yeah, I know, but I didn't really talk to him.

Should have complimented him on his opening spell on the first day of the 1997 Ashes.

My wife is now massively pregnant.

And so I have

is that the medical term?

That is the medical term.

Massively pregnant.

So I spent most of the last couple of weeks jumping around my kitchen pointing at her stomach singing it's big it's round it bounces on the ground your tongue your tongue what prenatal class did you learn that kind of behaviour in Andy?

What a supportive husband.

Well they say you should introduce a child to music in the womb.

Should you also introduce it to terrorist chanting?

Yes.

So it is the week beginning Monday the 8th of December.

So happy 400th birthday.

John Milton, the author of Paradise Lost and All-Round Boar, recently voted the English poet you'd least like to go to the pub with by the British Society of Drunk Poets.

Also, happy 21st to the Intermediate Range Nuclear Forces Treaty or INF Treaty.

Signed in 1987 on this day when the USSR, boo, and the USA, hooray!

Signed

the first ever treaty to reduce ground-based nuclear arsenals.

Ron Eady, not quite so many rockets, Reagan.

And Mickey, maybe we don't need so many medium-range missiles, Gorbachev.

Signed a deal that has meant that we don't have to record the bugle in a radiation-proof underground bunker for an audience whose appetite for comedy has been dulled by the savage brutalities of a nuclear winter.

So thanks, guys.

21 today.

Happy birthday, INF.

I'm John.

I'm taking it to a gentleman's club later on, the INF Treaty.

I think

we should get in half price because it's owned by the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty, and he always gives discounts to other weapons treaties.

But I think the McCloy Zorin Accord is going to be there as well.

It'll be good to catch up with the 1961 nuclear roadmap.

You should have seen the Geneva Protocol there last week, off his nuts, doing an incredible Neil Sadaka impression on the karaoke machine.

Anyway, as always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin.

This week, to mark 50 years of motorways in Britain, we give you a free audio souvenir of every single motorway junction in the UK.

And where else to start, John, but junction 5 of the M25, as driven by two-time Olympic Decaflan champion Daly Thompson on his way to see the site of the Battle of Hastings.

Let's hear it.

Yeah, I'd like to see Thompson's big rival Jürgen Hinkson nail that drift into the right-hand lanes to hit the A21 south as well as that.

Looks like another silver at best for the 6'7-inch German.

Also, to mark the historic occasion, 50 years of multi-lane racing, sorry, motorway driving in Britain, I will recite this issue of the bugle to myself, word for word, next time I'm on a motorway.

Probably in my car, maybe standing in the central reservation.

Just think, John, if Britain had not discovered its motorway network 50 years ago, our computer simulations suggest that by now we would be savages living in mud huts again, just like the 1920s, all over again.

They don't actually have motorways in America, do they?

They have highways.

Oh, it's not the same, is it?

It's not the same.

Top story this week, and Plaxico Bores.

Andy, that name may sound like a pharmaceuticals company or a sovereign island in the Pacific, but it is in fact the star wide receiver of the New York Giants, a man...

who in fact caught the pass which won his team the Super Bowl last year.

A multi-millionaire athlete with the world at his feet who this week shot himself in the leg in a nightclub in New York.

Thank you, Plaxico.

Thank you.

This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.

When the world is a depressing place, Andy, you can always trust athletes.

If not to entertain us through their skills, then doing something so spectacularly boneheaded as to distract people from their pain.

This last week in the event in India have been a perfect example of this.

Step forward Plaxico Beres, who clearly saw the tragedy in Mumbai unfolding and thought, what can I do?

What can I do to help?

I know.

I'll shoot myself in the leg in a nightclub.

If that makes just one person splutter on their breakfast in disbelief, then that's enough.

I've done all I can.

That is very much the little robin in a chicken pie of despair.

But where will it end, John?

I mean, first Abraham Lincoln gets shot, and now this.

I mean, America's got a problem with guns.

That's not a natural progression.

But not only did he do this,

he also took the leader of the defensive line, Antonio Pierce, to the nightclub with him, who allegedly hid the gun for him afterwards, thereby jeopardising his team's defence as well as the offence.

Now, I would find this story even funnier than I already do, which is f ⁇ ing funny if Plaxcoe was not the star wide receiver on my office fantasy football team.

The British Bulldogs.

I feel that he has personally let me down, and

he's been a mess all season.

I've been having imaginary conversations with him for weeks now.

Platzko, do you want to be a British Bulldog?

Because you're sure as hell not acting like it.

To me, a player shooting himself in the leg is the sign of one of the world's great sports franchises, because, of course, the Giants are the Super Bowl champions.

But something similar happened back in 1996 at one of the greatest football clubs in the world, Gillingham FC, the pride of Kent.

No.

They had a defender called Matt Bryant who managed to shoot 40 pellets into his leg and was out for a couple of months.

And this followed his.

Even harder to do, Andy, in a country that does not have guns.

I mean, that's really difficult.

Well, we do have guns, John.

That's just a bit more certain.

We use them for shooting

the creatures of nature rather than

other people.

But every detail of this Plaxcoe story takes it to another level of slapstick, Andy.

Plaxcoe carried this gun into a nightclub with the safety catch off in his sweatpants.

Sweatpants, Andy, simply don't have the purchase necessary around the waist to support an object as weighty as a loaded concealed weapon.

Also, let's not forget that he was wearing sweatpants to a nightclub.

Sweatpants are not the standard dress code for discotheques, are they?

I speak as a man who's not a regular nightclub attendee.

Hence my use of the word discotheque.

Perhaps everyone is wearing sweatpants in nightclubs nowadays, Andy, and I sound ridiculous, but somehow I doubt it.

Also, sweatshirts.

I don't call you funky stuff for nothing, John.

No one has ever called me that.

Even sarcastically, that's never happened.

You clearly haven't been reading the internet message boards.

I do think you have a choice.

Sweatpants or gun.

You can't have both, or you do run the risk of shooting yourself in the leg.

So you simply have to ask yourself on the way out of your house, which do I want more?

To take a loaded gun into a nightclub?

Or to wear sweatpants there?

I know I can't have both.

It was certainly an orthodox play by Plaxcope Borres.

And I guess that's what's made the Giants so successful since the midpoint of last season.

They're prepared to go that extra yard to get success, and if that means they're players shooting themselves in the leg in a nightclub, so be it, John.

Sometimes you've got to win ugly.

But I have to say, it surprised me a bit because I saw the Giants play in their Wembley game last October in London, and Burris was playing, and he didn't shoot himself in the leg once during that game.

So the form run suggests that he wouldn't shoot himself in the leg.

But I guess that's really what separates the top guys from the mop guys.

It just goes to show how unpredictable the NFL can be.

There have been, though, many other spectacular sport injuries of athletes trying to cheer people up with slapstick.

Washington Redskins quarterback, Gus Farot, in 1997, celebrated scoring a rushing touchdown in the first half of overtime by spiking the ball and then head-butting a concrete wall in the end zone, damaging his neck, nearly knocking himself out, and meaning that he was unable to complete the game.

Now, that sounds like the behavior of a spectacular moron until you remember that this was of course the year that Princess Diana died and I think this was Gus's attempt to help us all through that difficult time.

Doc Ellis, the Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher, mistakenly thought he had a day off in 1970 so drove to Los Angeles to take LSD with some friends.

One of them was reading the paper and noticed that in fact Doc was due to pitch that night against the Padres so he got a quick flight to the stadium whilst in the midst of an acid trip and miraculously threw a no-hitter despite reportedly being unable to feel the ball or see the batter or catch it.

And this was clearly a gesture to America from Doc to cheer them up during the conflict in Vietnam.

Was it not also a gesture, John, to suggest that top-level sport would be far better if everyone was off their minds on LSD?

Well I don't think acid is on the banned list.

That's not traditionally thought to be a performance enhancing truck.

And finally, Annie, how about the tale of Chris Hansen, the punter for the Jacksonville Jaguars in 2003?

He saw the beginning of the Iraq war.

He was clearly concerned that America was getting into a quagmire.

Now the coach of the Jaguars had strangely put an axe and some wood in the locker room as a symbol that his team should keep chopping wood.

Well Chris saw that axe.

He raised it high above his head, brought it down and let's just say he didn't play again for the rest of that year.

I'm not sure.

All I know is that he axed his foot.

Well I guess what people will be be asking, as you suggested earlier on, is what is Plaxco Burres doing with a gun in a nightclub?

Well, I guess the closest to the NFL has seen this was when John Elway unwittingly played the entire Super Bowl XXI with a Kalashnikov caught in his underpants.

But we think maybe Burres, perhaps he misunderstood a drink promotion at the nightclub which said a free shot with every whiskey and orange juice.

Maybe alternatively he found the gun in a gent's toilet and thought, well, this is no good.

A gun in a nightclub.

That's against health and safety.

I better take care of this.

I'm probably the most responsible person here in this nightclub.

I'm on a multi-million dollar contract, and no way would I want to jeopardise that by firing it.

I'll just pop it in my pocket for safekeeping.

I'll have a quick cranberry juice and soda to celebrate being an incredibly highly paid sports star, then responsibly call the police and hand the weapon in.

And then, unfortunately, by pure bad luck, it went off.

I guess in his defense, John, he could say, Well, I might have shot a gun in a nightclub, but at least I haven't been running a massive illegal dogfighting ring for several years, like Michael thinks.

Gutterly depressing news now and obviously the main global story has been the horrific events in Mumbai, India.

In fact we spent the day on Monday Andy on the Daily Show trying to come up with angles on how to create some comedy out of this terrible situation which was obviously both a difficult and a demoralizing way to spend the day.

And the only angle we came up with was off the back of all the news reports saying that these were sophisticated attacks and referring to the terrorists as well organized and highly trained and seeming to miss out, mentioning the fact that they are also, of course, arseholes, which is worth mentioning, because they definitely are arseholes.

And I'm sure the media are worried about offending people, but I'm also pretty sure that everyone will give them a pass on that one, and wouldn't mind them saying the terrorists were young, thought to have trained in Pakistan, and are all arseholes.

I do hope they're not worried about being taken to court for slander, because that is a court case the terrorists would simply not win.

Albert Bush made a brief but swift statement within hours of the attacks beginning, and all was going well until he uttered the following sentence.

As the people of the world's largest democracy recover from these attacks, they can count on the people of the world's oldest democracy to stand by their side.

What?

What?

Oldest democracy?

What's he talking about?

Ancient Greece?

Is Aristotle going to come out of retirement and philosophize them into hell?

Because surely there is no way he's talking about America there, because no one, absolutely no one, thinks that America is the oldest democracy in the world.

No one thinks that.

Well, John, that very much depends what President Bush means by the word oldest.

Because, yes, the ancient Greeks might have got there first technically.

And of course, we in Britain, we've had a democracy going for some time, albeit that for quite a lot of that time, it was a total sham.

But I think what he meant was that U.S.

democracy has some of the oldest Democrats in it.

And you think instantly of Strom Thurmond, who was still serving at age 100.

Now, no single ancient Greek Democrat ever lived that long.

And I think that's really what Bush meant.

I'm so glad that a benign God chose to let Strom Thurmond be the politician that would live that long.

He was such a pleasant man, Strom Thurmond.

I'm glad that God let him do all the work that he was put on earth to do, all the racist work.

Apparently, he conducted the longest ever filibuster by a U.S.

Senator in opposition to the Civil Rights Act.

That's true.

He was a hero in no ways whatsoever.

Happy birthday.

Actually, it's his birthday.

It's his birthday today.

If he hadn't been cruelly snatched from us, he would be 106 today, as we record, December the 5th.

Yeah.

Oh, happy birthday, Strom.

Burning hell.

Burning hell.

We'll put cross-shaped candles on your cake.

And set fire to them.

Well, I think I speak for all bugle listeners as well, John, on the Mumbai incident.

When I say I really hope the governments of India and Pakistan don't talk themselves into a nuclear war over this,

I really hope that.

I mean, I know in India they've got elections coming up and they want to be seen to be doing something incendiary to prove that they've got the political strength to do something incendiary to jeopardise their own nation's safety for political gain.

But please, please take it easy.

I guess, John, if there are two groups of people who benefit from terrorism, it's A, no one, and B, politicians.

Apparently, John, since the attacks in Mumbai, policemen in Mumbai have been accepting bribes of less than a dollar to waive lorries carrying contraband material through checkpoints.

But I think that's what you've got to do when there's been terrorist attacks, John.

You've got to live your life as normal and don't let it change how you do your job.

You've got to stand up

for your principles.

So they've also apparently

found explosives left over from the attacks in the train station a week after those attacks.

And the government spokesman described it as, quotes, unfortunate and promised that next time we will survey it better

now there's optimism john next time not oops lucky that won't happen again due to increased security intelligence and diplomatic efforts just next time

US round up now and Obama has been announcing his cabinet.

It was said to mirror Lincoln's team of rivals and he may take it even further because he has Hillary Clinton as his Secretary of State who seems to hate him, Robert Gates retaining his position position as Defence Secretary despite being a Republican and disagreeing with him on many key issues, and many other large personalities with completely different views to him.

This is either Andy extremely confident or extremely arrogant.

He's saying, not only am I going to be a great president, I'm going to do it under self-imposed needless stunt conditions.

He's like a motorcyclist saying, not only am I going to jump over 12 buses, I'm also going to set those buses on fire, slash the tires of my motorbike, set myself on fire, and land in a pit of tigers on the other side of the jump.

Obama could be the first president to govern wearing a crash helmet and a spangly cape.

It would still be a step up.

You're right, you're right.

I guess that's the situation he's in.

Yeah, kind of demob happy before he's even been mobbed.

He opened up with a signature message of hope saying, We are fighting two wars.

Our old conflicts remain unresolved, and newly asserted powers have put strains on the international system.

The spread of nuclear weapons raises the peril that the world's deadliest technologies could fall into dangerous hands.

And our dependence on foreign oil empowers authoritarian governments and endangers our planet.

He went on to say, Hillary, are you sure you don't want this job?

Because I'm just telling you, it's yours if you want it.

I'm not sure I want to do this anymore.

Just saying all this stuff out loud has really got me thinking.

He also said, American values are America's greatest export to the world.

And he's right, Andy.

Values and cheese doodles.

They're the greatest export.

They're They're the ultimate baked corn snack.

If you drop them on yourself, they turn your clothes an unsettling shade of orange.

Do you think he's read Sun Tzu's Art of War, John?

Because I believe in that, the famous Chinese military strategist said, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

And is he not scuppering Hillary's 2012 presidential bid by making her Secretary of State?

Possibly.

But you know,

she could be a Trojan horse, Hillary Clinton.

Not the first time that's been said.

It was also Joe Biden's first time opening his mouth in public since the election.

Uh-oh.

And he...

Exactly.

He was briefly released and allowed to frolic in the gap forest where he loves to run wild.

He said, we brought together one of the most talented national security teams ever assembled, a team prepared to meet the serious challenges we face today and the emerging threats that will confront us tomorrow.

Whoa, hold up.

Tomorrow?

Last time I checked, he was saying Obama was going to be tested within six months.

Now it's 24 hours.

Cool your jets, Nostradamus.

Stop threatening us!

Also, here in America, the American motor industry, who had been sent away in shame a week ago after demanding a bailout of $24 billion,

returned to Washington this week, having done some research and instead demanded $37 billion,

seemingly misunderstanding the fundamental tenets of haggling.

One of the unhelpful details still plaguing this story was how they got to the hearings.

Last time, they came under cartoon levels of criticism for flying to DC in their private jets.

This time, they all drove from Detroit and were again criticised, this time for having drivers.

But how is this a bad thing, Andy?

I want them to have drivers because they need to be working on that massive journey.

I want them making phone calls to avoid this industrial catastrophe, not listening to country rock radio channels and planning their next snack and was break.

I think what people really wanted was for them to march barefoot the entire journey, self-flagellating themselves and perhaps even carrying crosses with them, which they could be nailed to for the duration of the hearings.

Anything less, and people were going to be pissed off.

A snack and was, that's a um, isn't that a chain of uh motorway service stations?

It is, and it's the best.

They're the best.

Everything you want, you know, everything you need.

Wazzes.

I guess, John, on the positive sides of the uh continuing economic catastrophe enveloping America and the world in general, Plaxco Beresh shot himself in the leg.

Let's put it in perspective.

It just doesn't

Britain news now and the big story in Britain has been a political scandal about a member of the Conservative front bench being arrested and it's been a huge political story over here, John, and the other.

Then I'm not interested in this story, but carry on.

Well you say you're not interested in this story, John, and that puts you very much in line with everyone else in the whole fing country, apart from politicians and political journalists who have been banging on about it as if it's the fing Queen Mother coming back from the dead and declaring war on Germany again.

Please leave us alone, politicians.

The big news this week in Europe, John, the European Court of Human Rights has declared that retaining the DNA and fingerprint records of unconvicted suspects is not lawful.

The British government's pretty hacked off about this.

Their view is very much that if you've done nothing wrong, you've got nothing to worry about, apart, of course, from the abuse of your personal information by government or unsolicited third parties.

So, apart from that, nothing to worry about.

And people said the same about Guantanamo, John.

And, you know, if they've done nothing wrong, they've got nothing to worry about.

And they've been proved right, because most of the people there, it has turned out, had done nothing wrong.

And look at them now.

Free as birds.

Surely, John, a few years' incarceration and abuse is a price worth paying to reaffirm the concepts of freedom and justice for the whole planet.

But I want to know.

It looks like a fact.

Well, yeah, it's a clear cast iron fact.

Most people wouldn't recognise their own DNA if it came up to them in a bar and started doing the double helix, the latest nightclub dance craze, I'm told, on the table in front of them.

Wow.

Who goes to nightclubs less, Andy?

You or I?

It's very difficult to say.

It's a tough call.

How many have you been to in your life?

Not many.

Right.

Certainly single figures.

Yeah, I'm single figures too.

I think I went to one as a student.

Maybe two.

I'm not sure I've been since then.

Did you dance at it, Andy?

No, I don't dance.

You did, didn't you?

No, I didn't.

I didn't.

I threw no shapes.

I'll bet you did.

My shapes are too dangerous.

I can't throw them in public.

I've got a great photo from my wedding, though, of you throwing them.

Most massive shape.

Oh, God, that's true.

I did dance at your wedding.

I think we should post it on the webpage.

It's a phenomenal...

It's taken by my brother.

It's a phenomenal photo.

It was to the song The Voice, wasn't it?

Only The Voice can't understand it.

It's quite an arty shot with John with one finger,

his arm fully extended, a finger pointing at the sky, his head thrown back in a kind of rock-driven moment of ecstasy that only John Farnham could possibly generate.

It was an incredible moment.

That's what happens if you repress all the moves that you've not busted in your teenage adolescence and then if they just erupt in one song.

I do hope, John, if your career takes a little sideways turn and you release a rock album that you use that photo on the

sideways turn

that is a huge swerve off the side of a road

all I know about my DNA John is that it makes me oversleep which is bad but it also makes my daughter oversleep which is good but what I'm worried about what if it turns out that my great great grandfather was Jack the Ripper I don't want to be framed for his crimes just because my DNA is on the database from a crime I didn't commit.

What I want to know, Andy, is why are the police in the UK storing this information?

Are they storing this DNA up so they can one day develop a super criminal like Dr.

Frankenstein, which they will try and control, but who will ultimately destroy them?

They've been trying to do that for you.

That's basically the royal family.

They just keep injecting them with different bits of DNA to see what happens.

The thing is, John, the government already knows my address and my mother's maiden name.

So why does it need more information?

If it ever finds out the name of my favourite cricketer, I'm doomed.

Absolutely doomed.

It'll steal all my money.

Perhaps this is the way out of the credit crunch.

They just use all the information they legitimately have on us all all to hack into our bank accounts and steal the money up front instead of slowly diddling it out of us through taxes.

Either that, or you know, the way a credit is stealing my wallet in Vegas and going on a spending spree with my cards.

What did they buy?

I'll get to find out tomorrow.

Oh, it's quite exciting.

I'll tell you next week.

Oh, that's good.

Because

I had a wallet stolen in Bologna in Italy.

They went to an outdoor equipment shop and bought a tent.

Well, I'll tell you what, I'll find out and I will find out Andy if it's better than a tent but that is they've set the bar pretty high there.

Good for them.

You can't begrudge them a tent.

Bugle feature section now and presidential voodoo dolls.

or specifically voodoo dolls of French president Nicolas Sarkozy.

The French appeal score has declared these dolls, which have been on sale for for a couple of months, may remain on sale, despite a court case brought by the President, but they must carry a label saying that they're offensive to him.

But what a great ruling this is, John.

If you can't stick pins in a voodoo doll of the French President, who can you stick pins in a voodoo doll of these days?

Mary crapping Poppins.

Perhaps he's got all this wrong, Andy.

It's not voodoo, it's acupuncture.

It's just the French public trying to release the compassion blocks that are clearly clogging up his body, enabling some compassion to come out of his mouth.

But the court has ruled that they must must pay him symbolic damages of one Euro.

Ouch.

Ouch, Andy.

That is a humiliating settlement for him.

In fact, I hope they're going to force themselves to put a label on that ruling saying that that could be offensive to him.

But frankly, John, if you're a politician and no one's sticking pins in a voodoo doll of you, you're not doing your job.

As the late Abraham Lincoln himself wrote in his 10-step guide to being a top-notch president, you can have all of the people sticking voodoo pins in you some of the time, and some of the people sticking voodoo pins in you all of the time, but you shouldn't have all of the people sticking voodoo pins in you all of the time so it's just part and parcel of being a politician are you sure that's true andy you sure he wrote that he definitely did write that john i've got it in front of me on my computer it just says

abraham lincoln wrote these words admittedly i wrote those words but you trust yourself don't you

if you can't trust yourself who can you trust but it does suggest uh john these dolls have been on on sale for two months now and psychosi seems to be fine.

So it suggests that they don't work.

So he's really got nothing to worry about.

Or maybe he's just really tough and just doesn't show the pain.

But I've certainly not seen him giving a speech in which he's going it is important everyone in Europe stick together in these difficult economic

massive need of penetrating vital organs.

Nine, nine Schnauzer.

Oh no, my secret is out.

I passed.

Andy, you took us on such a journey there with that performance.

A journey across the Franco-German border.

Incidentally, that was the sixth legal action Sarkozy has launched since he was elected King of France last year.

I can't help thinking, John, he should concentrate on his fing job.

Just because your wife's a club bowler doesn't mean you have to keep launching legal cases.

Your emails now, and sadly, due to American football stars shooting themselves in the leg and entertaining us more than probably is appropriate.

As you know,

less than inappropriate.

Do not say that, Annie.

There is nothing inappropriate about finding real joy in this incredible moment of slapstick.

We don't have time for many of your emails, sadly.

This, however, came in from Matt Kendrick in Prescott, Arizona, on the subject of linguistics.

And he simply writes, I am of the opinion that John is fluent in Arabic.

What?

What?

John, is that opinion founded?

I mean, I have to say, I've known you for now, what's almost

nine years?

Yeah.

And I've never heard you stumble over an Arabic sentence.

That's true.

To be honest, I've never tried to speak Arabic, so maybe I am.

Yeah, you just don't know it.

Yeah.

You just haven't put yourself in that situation.

Yeah.

It's like, you know, can you take a penalty in a World Cup final?

Well, you don't know until you do it.

That's right.

And, you know, if he believes in me, then maybe, maybe that's all it's going to take.

That's right.

He's giving you props, John.

Well, I will take those props and thank you for the props.

What are props in Arabic, John?

So the Hotties from History roundup and final selection for the 2009 calendar is delayed until next week's bugle.

So do keep your nominations and other emails coming into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk or we will hunt you down and kill you.

That is starting to sound like an empty threat, Andy.

It's my catchphrase.

Got to have a catchphrase to be be a successful comedian.

That's what's been holding me back.

Sport now and cycling.

Lance Armstrong is back.

John, he's going to ride on a Tour de France next year.

Has this been big news in America?

It has, actually, yeah.

It has been.

You know, he's American, so of course it's big news in America.

People still mutter, John, about how his seven Tour de France victories were hollow.

That's for reasons such as that he had a flashier bike than all the other boys, or that he was bitten by a radioactive bicycle as a teenager, or that his opponents opponents had to ride penny farthings while he was on a 750cc Kawasaki.

But none of these have ever been proved, John.

And the guy clearly knows one end of a bicycle from the other.

And it's going to be fascinating to see how he does.

He wants a new challenge, John.

He's not only going to ride the Tour de France.

He's also going to compete in the Giro d'Italia on a unicycle and the La Vuelta in Spain on a hobby horse.

And he's such a competitor, John.

I think he's going to win them all.

Good luck to him.

Now, no one's saying he isn't determined to a fault.

And finally, the bugle forecast.

And the forecast is, John, by this time next week, will I be the father of two children or the father of one?

Oh, wow.

Okay, well, that is interesting.

Now, on previous form.

Previous form is going to be out in the middle of this week because Matilda was 10 days early.

And

this one's due on the 19th.

Do you know what?

I'm going to say one child this time.

What are you saying?

One child.

I think one.

I've got a feeling it's going to be about on time this time.

I think one child.

Okay.

If it does come out, what make of baby will it be, do you think?

It will be, I think you are due a Reebok, aren't you?

A Reebok?

What a shoe.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, baby.

Sorry.

Boy or girl.

I'm going to go boy, Andy.

Boy.

Fingers crossed.

Second time lucky.

Yeah.

It would just be great to be sat in the box at Wimbledon watching my two kids win the mixed doubles title.

That's what I dream about at night.

And what will we have called it?

I mean, that's the other prediction.

What are we we going to call it?

In fact, let's have a competition.

What name should we give our incoming child?

You, bugle listeners.

This is dangerous.

You, bugle listeners, can name my child.

First name, Jigme.

Middle name, Wangchuck.

Either boy or girl.

The winner will receive a commemorative vomit-stained muslin cloth as huked on by new baby Zoltzman.

Disclaimer time: the bugle reserves the right not to use the winning name on the baby's birth certificate, passport, or any official or unofficial documents, or ever out loud or internally.

The bugle also reserves the right to enter and win the competition itself without consultation with any third party other than Mrs.

Zaltzman.

I guess we could sell the naming rights.

I mean if it's okay for a stadium, why not for a baby, John?

There you go.

I mean you've got the Mitchell.

You've got the Minute Maid Park in

Houston, you've got the Reebok in Bolton, the Emirates Stadium in the...

There you go.

Reebok in the State.

Reebok Zaltzmann.

You've got the Emirates in the city of Arsenal near London.

So I was thinking, you know, if we called our child Carpit Right in exchange for 100 quid from the Carpit Showroom chain that's just opened a new branch at the bottom of our road.

You know, it might sound a bit cheap at the time, but give it 20 years and people would have forgotten, John, it would just be a nice, unusual name and he or she could hide the Carpet Right logo, which was tattooed on his or her chest at eight days old as part of the deal.

Just hide it under a t-shirt.

Is that so different from circumcision?

Is circumcision not just an advert for Judaism?

And what an advert!

And also, 100 quid come in use for it, current bank interest rates.

In 20 years' time, that's going to be worth 103 quid.

Do you want me to look that gift horse in the mouth, John?

Do I look like an alpine alkaline dentist?

Do I?

No, no, I'm saying no.

Lots of people call their child Jane after the military hardware and intelligence magazine their mother was reading during conception, or Gilbert off the rugby ball manufacturer their father was thinking about during conception, or Skye after what satellite TV service their father was hoping he'd remember to set the cricket highlights to record on during childbirth.

So people are already basically selling naming rights, just not getting any money for it.

Now, shouldn't we, the Bugle, take out some space, Sandy?

Maybe we should start advertising Bugle's Ultimate.

How's about that?

Bugle's Ultimate.

Got a nice ring to it.

It's a definite possibility.

Well, I'll put this on the long list.

Blaxico, please shoot your other leg.

Does that response mean that you think I'm not mature enough to be a good father?

Bye-bye, Buglers.

Bye-bye.

Keep shooting, Blaxico.

Keep on shooting.

Three limbs to go.

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.