The Vegas Special

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 54 of The Bugle.

They just keep coming like the 53 before it.

For the week beginning Monday the 24th of November 2008 with me, Andy Zoltzman, in London and in the beautiful city of Las Vegas.

John Oliver.

Oh, that was a joke.

Hello, Buglers.

Hello, Andy.

I am in Vegas.

I've been here for a few hours.

This is my first time here.

You know, I'm looking forward to so many things, Andy.

The fake volcanoes, the neon pyramids.

It is like humanity evolving backwards.

I don't know what kind of man I'm going to be by the time I leave here, Andy.

I may have gambled everything away and be working as a showgirl or waiting tables dressed as a Roman centurion.

Possibly both.

The point is, this city shows what humanity is capable of if it doesn't really try.

So more on Las Vegas later on.

This is for the week beginning Monday 24th November.

That means it is 149 years to the minute since Charles Darwin published his masterwork on the origin of species.

149 years have passed since Ant John and we still look pretty much the same as he did, only most of us had learnt to shave.

so we have to ask was he completely wrong about evolution or is it still too early to say I think if he took a stroll around Vegas he'd certainly he'd certainly look for a second opinion also 35 years to the day since the death of Lee Harvey Oswald John and I think it's time to ask why on earth would anyone have wanted Oswald dead

that's right

he was a perfectly pleasant man who made one mistake yeah

listen if we all got shot for one mistake there wouldn't be many of us around Yeah, let he who is without presidential assassinations shoot the first bullet.

So I think it's time to ask, if Oswald were still alive today, would he have been president instead of Barack Obama?

No.

And if not, John, how long will it be before America is ready to elect an obviously framed assassin as its president?

As always, some sections of the Bugle are going straight in the bin this week.

An architecture section, including, as the credit crunch clamps its crunches crisply down the world's crackers, is this the end of the house?

Also, why buildings made out of ice will never really catch on globally, particularly in the Horn of Africa.

It's not so much the practicality of the melting issue, it's more a shortage of water.

Also, with parents from Eastern Europe now sending their kids to be hothoused in special architecture training camps from as young as the age of two, is it still possible for your child to become a top-level architect without being permanently psychologically ruined?

And also in a spell-binding interview with the famous architecture sceptic Q.

Basil Huke, the author of the best-selling audiobook, If the Ancient Greeks Were So Good at Architecture, how come all their buildings have fallen down?

Renowned as the most foul-mouthed tirade against the Hellenic world ever recorded.

In the interview, Huke argues that the difference between architecture and building is four pints of beer and a fluorescent jacket.

Also, build your own skyscraper, part one: The Lift.

Next week, The Sound of Wind on a 200-meter-high roof.

Top story this week and pirates.

That's right, this week's top story sounds like an episode of the bugle from the mid-1800s.

There has been a huge outbreak of attacks from Somali pirates off the African coast and can I just say quickly to those pirates, thank you.

Because Andy, just as I got demoralized with writing jokes about the longest election in the history of voting for things, up step a group full of people from the east of Africa with a glint in their eye and a bazooka over their shoulder saying, would you like to write some jokes about pirates?

And Andy, my head said yes, and my heart said f yes.

Yes, I want to write jokes about pirates.

This started to hit the headlines this week with a particularly impressive piece of pirate booty.

The booty in this instance was a massive Saudi oil tanker, bigger than an aircraft carrier, carrying $100 million worth of oil.

They apparently board the boat, take the crew hostage, sail it back to Somalia, where they bury the tanker, put a big X on the floor where they buried it, and then draw a very complicated map so they can remember where it was.

Well, this is the problem with

pirates pirates taking oil, John, because if, as pirates have to do, they do bury their loot with it being oil, they're basically just putting it back where it came from.

They're just returning, almost giving it back like Robin Hood.

And you know, give it a few hundred years.

There'll be a massive great war over it.

Well, in fact, modern pirates take the ships and the crew hostage, then demand a ransom for their safe return.

That must be what the pirates perched on their shoulder have been squawking about.

Polly wants a ransom.

Gwah!

That's how they went.

Is it, John?

Well, it's true.

The Somali pirates hijacked the oil tanker Sirius Star.

I forget where exactly.

I think it was in the sea.

It was in the sea.

And it contained $100 million worth of oil, as John said.

Sorry, that's now $90 million.

That's $80 million worth of oil.

There you go, John.

A falling price of oil joke.

I'm here all week.

They've already been paid an estimated $20 million in ransoms over the past year.

But even if any ship's owners do concede to the pirates' demands, it always makes for a very awkward exchange.

I have your money.

I'm putting the suitcase down.

Now slide the tanker over to me.

Okay, the suitcase is sinking.

I'm diving in after the suitcase.

Hold on to the tanker.

I'll be back in a minute.

Well, they're quite high-tech now, John.

I mean, it's not just parrots and eye patches these days, unless the parrot is a GPS-enabled parrot and the eye patch contains a small computer screen giving the latest weather forecasts.

And, you know,

if the pirate's wooden leg can detect sharks, I guess that's going to come in handy as well.

These pirates are armed to the teeth with machine guns and rocket-powered grenades.

And I mean, come on, rocket-powered grenades.

These pirates have really upped their game from making booklet copies of E.T.

and burning illegal Madonna CDs.

One successful pirate interviewed in a British newspaper said that it said these words: First, we look to buy a nice house and a car, then we buy guns and other weapons.

The rest of the money we use to relax.

So basically, these pirates, John, are living the American dream.

The problem area is off the east coast of Africa in an area known as Pirate Alley.

Now, really?

Because it seems if you call it Pirate Alley, you're asking for trouble.

I don't want to come off as unsympathetic, but it seems like they were warned.

I knew a girl called Pirate Alley once.

Did you?

No.

Pirate attacks have got so bad, Andy, that shipping companies are taking drastic measures, hiring private security and even changing their shipping routes, suggesting sailing all the way around Africa.

And the exact nautical term for that is going the fing long way around.

I'm pretty sure that's the phrase.

I speak conversational sea dog.

It's basically the geopolitical equivalent of cycling the long way home to avoid the bully's house.

Wasn't conversational sea dog a hit rapper in the 1990s?

Yeah, I believe.

Well, it depends how you define hits.

I mean, he's certainly an underground hit, but I don't think he ever broke through into mainstream chart success.

Really?

If any bugle readers have been inspired by this story and want to become pirates themselves, we would remind you that it is against the law of most major oceans and seas.

But if you do insist on doing it, we urge you to follow these essential safety precautions.

Firstly, always wear a proper life jacket.

Armbands or water wings might be cheaper, but they're not as reliable in rough ocean conditions.

And also, they will undermine your authority as a pirate.

Also, ensure that at least one of your crew has a proper life-saving qualification.

When hijacking an oil tanker at the dead of night, don't use old-fashioned gas lamps as illumination to add extra atmosphere.

Naked flames and cargoes full of oil are an accident waiting to happen.

And also remember that some species of parrots are endangered, so if you are caught, you could face additional prosecution from the World Wildlife Fund.

As well as the Saudi oil tanker, this week pirates also seized a Chinese cargo ship carrying 36,000 tons of wheat to Iran.

And that is a lot of wheat.

In fact, my God, I think the pirates may be preparing a Trojan loaf.

If a freshly baked pumpernickel shows up outside the gate of your city, do not, I repeat, do not cut into it.

It is filled with pirates.

Oh, hold on.

Terrible news coming in, Andy.

Belgium has been taken by pirates.

Oh, no.

Those poor Belgians just love pump and nickel.

They didn't stand a chance.

It was always a matter of time before Belgium.

I mean, it's just too close to the sea.

But also, the troubling thing about this 36,000 tons of wheat going to Iran, Andy, is what were the Iranians planning to do with all that wheat?

They're always up to something.

I mean, sure, they'll say we just love to bake.

But think about it this way: there are only 20,000 tons of yeast away from developing a baguette which could reach Israel.

I should point out, John, of course, that pumpernickel is a rye bread, not a wheat bread.

Good point.

So I'm sorry if anyone's enjoyment of the last minute and a half of this podcast has been damaged by John's appalling loaf ignorance.

Good point, Andy.

Fifte loves Ultimate.

These pirates get close enough to board ships with grappling hooks and sometimes masquerading as coast guards.

So see, see, that's still some classic old-school pirate skills there: the art of deception.

Apparently, they've also dressed as repairmen, saying they're here to fix the rudder.

They've dressed up as police, checking on a noise disturbance.

They've posed as mermaids, stripograms, and once, even as actual pirates on their way to a costume party.

That was very clever.

They dress as lifeguards.

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to have to watch Baywatch again and see if there's a subtext.

No, Coast Guards, not lifeguards.

There's a world of difference between a Coast Guard

Well, what is the difference?

One is a fully qualified rescue professional and the other one is a pervert.

They both wear pants.

That's all I'm saying.

And I mean pants in the British sense.

Of course, pirates were thought to have died out in the 19th century, John, due to the relative shortage of female pirates.

Right.

Because 92% of all pirate babies are boys due to a genetic defect.

And also, some breeds of parrot do actually live exclusively off little insects that live in the shoulder hair of pirates.

That's another fact about pirates.

Also in the 17th century such was the control that pirates exerted over the high seas that only one in 20 boat trips was ever successful and crossing the channel was considered the most effective form of euthanasia at the time.

Piracy is a dominant gene.

That's probably why so many are born male.

Yeah.

Famous pirates from history include Henry Morgan who destroyed the entire city of Panama whilst looking for gold, tortured and killed pretty much anyone and anything that came in his way and looked at him a bit funny and was rewarded in the traditional British manner with a knighthood.

Also, another famous pirate, Long John Silver, who, despite being fictional, was one of the most feared pirates of the 19th century.

Of course, it wasn't his real name, he was born Mike Johnson in Tunbridge Wells, Kent.

Was known as Long John because he wore thermal underwear at all times due to his allergy to visible leg dimples, and also was known as Silver because he always came second in who's got the most number of legs matches.

Other notable recent pirates include pop star Jamelia and the entire Spanish Navy between the years 1420 and 1981.

Actually, if you play Jamelia Smash Hit number three single superstar backwards, John, it gives the precise latitude and longitude of three separate treasure chests buried around the Shetland Islands.

Kind of attention to detail, which made her temporarily a big star.

All I'm saying is, have you ever seen her captaining a legal ship?

British Foreign Secretary David Miliband said that the UK will not pay ransom to pirates because it would only encourage further hostage taking.

Well, two things about that.

One, there's no real point taking that stand seeing as everyone else is paying them off.

And more importantly, he had the opportunity there to use the phrase we do not negotiate with pilots

how do you not use that phrase if you can I simply don't understand he is not ready to lead

that's got to be one of the reasons you go into politics come on

embarrassing British political affiliation news now and the names of 13,000 members ex-members and passing acquaintances of the British National Party have been posted on on the internet, apparently by a disgruntled member of the party leadership, John, the BNP.

Of course, I'm talking about the British National Party, the far-right-wing anti-immigration party.

I'm not talking about the Bangladesh National Party, or even the Bahujana Nidahas Paramuna, or the Mass Freedom Front, a Sri Lankan political party, or even the Banque Nationale de Paris, BNP, who's advertising at the French Open Tennis, always raises the spirits of clay-court tennis-loving British racists.

Or even the International Air Transport Association code for Banu Airport in Pakistan.

That's also BNP.

It's a remote airport in the northwest frontier province, which, according to the internet, has no flights going in or out of it.

That's right.

Apparently, 13,000 names, addresses, telephone numbers, and email addresses were published.

Even hobbies were listed, which were presumably being racist, watching racist movies, and thinking about racist things.

But the problem that these BNP members are going to face is that they've managed to systematically work themselves into a position where they are immune to sympathy.

If you hear of something bad happening to them, the natural instinct is to think to yourself, oh, good, I'm glad that's happening.

Whether it's anything small and petty, like any of them falling over or scraping their knee, or maybe having their car stolen or losing their wallet, right up to their names being published and suffering the seldom-felt consequences of being a huge racist.

If they're unhappy, I'm happy.

They also love playing chess, although they do tend to try either really hard or not hard at all, depending on which side they're on.

I mean, I wonder how, as a member of the BNP leadership, you become disgruntled, John.

You know whether you think the party's not being nationalistic enough.

I must be that.

Or maybe they've just failed to find a credible solution to the Congo crisis and you think they should be taking it more seriously.

Or you just join the wrong party and you think that they failed to muscle in on the political middle ground.

The incredible thing is that this list revealed that soldiers, police officers, doctors and teachers were on the list and are now fearful for their jobs.

And again, good, I'm glad about that.

I hope they lose their jobs because I don't really want to be operated on by a racist doctor in case they figure out a way to remove the humanity from your body and you wake up just like them.

Well, I think you'd probably be all right, John.

You do look a bit Jewish, so maybe.

I do.

I'm not sure I would be all right.

Yeah, I guess that would depend on where they were operating on you.

Yeah, where there's smoke, there's fire.

Oh, I see.

I thought I've only just got that.

It was a long flight.

Usually I'd pick up on a wang joke a lot earlier.

Of course, it's embarrassing enough for people to be revealed as members of the BNP, but what made it even worse was that they were also revealed to be members of any political party in Britain, which is a kind of double whammy of embarrassment.

And included details of family members of the BNP.

Now that seems, John, an odd thing to sign your family up for.

Probably think, well, we've enjoyed the National Trust membership, so maybe let's try the British National Party as well.

They'll have a good day out for us, surely.

You say that.

Racism can't often be hereditary.

You know, I can just imagine little kids saying, Dad, can we go 10-pin bowling at the weekend?

No, not this week, little Nigel.

We're going to daub graffiti on a curry house.

A former Green Party candidate apparently joined the BNP because he claimed that they had the best environmental policies.

I know, you know, if you're in the Green Party, you love the environment, but I just think that's not enough.

That shows the dangers of taking single-issue politics too far.

And I guess he left after a couple of weeks, apparently, after looking at the small prints and probably the big prints on their other policies.

And after realising that fires in curry houses are bad for the environment.

Al-Qaeda news now, and Al-Qaeda released another tape this week, this time from Al-Zawahiri, bin Laden's number two.

He is the Joe Biden of Global Terror.

And perhaps in more ways than one, as he used an offensive racial epithet in this video, he said in the message which appeared on websites that Obama is the direct opposite of honourable black Americans like Malcolm X, the 60s African American rights leader, speaking Arabic, used the term Abid al-Bayit, which literally translates as house slaves.

But al-Qaeda supplied English subtitles of his speech and cited it as house Negroes.

So I'm so glad, Andy, that the first time they thought to supply English subtitles was to make sure that they got their full abhorrence message across.

They wouldn't want us to think that they were being slightly less racist than they were.

Well, do you think this signals the beginning of the kind of backlash against Obama, the end of the honeymoon period?

Because, you know, al-Qaeda are really swimming against the tide of public opinion here, not for the first time.

And, you know, I guess, you know, we were all waiting to see if al-Qaeda would endorse Obama, but it appears that they do actually really hate the West, not just George W.

Bush.

That's right.

It is the whole thing.

So it's also, you can now add racism onto their list of despicable characters, right?

They must very nearly have the full set now.

They just need to develop a dislike for penguins, and then they're all set.

Al-Zawahiri was the Al-Qaeda number two, as you said, John.

So he's in fact seeded to meet the Guantanamo star, number three ranked Al-Qaeda baddie, Khaled Shait Mohamed, in the semi-final.

And that could be a classic, couldn't it?

It's still bin Laden's to lose.

Oh, yeah.

He is the Roger Federer of terrorism, and that's the Roger Federer three years ago.

Well, yeah, like Federer, he's had a few niggling injury problems.

I'm just saying

he probably isn't quite as dominant as he was.

And depending on what court it's played on, he could be vulnerable.

Let's make this perfectly clear, though, Andy.

That is where the comparisons between Osama bin Laden and Roger Federer finish,

as far as we know.

President Bush, update now, and George W.

Bush, also known as Barbara's Boy, otherwise known as Jeb's Wayward older brother, aka unfortunately, the 43rd President of the United States, continues his slide into long overdue irrelevance.

News came out this week of a spectacular conversation between Vladimir Putin and President Sarkozy of France.

Sarkozy's chief diplomatic advisor revealed this exchange which concerns the Georgian Prime Minister.

Putin said I'm going to hang Sarkashville by the balls.

Sarkozy thought he'd misheard him saying hang him?

Question mark.

Why not?

Putin replied, the Americans hanged Saddam Hussein.

And Sarkozy tried to reason with him saying, yeah, but do you want to end up like President Bush?

Putin was apparently briefly lost for words and then said, oh, you have scored a point there.

See, Bush has finally achieved something wonderful.

He has prevented a man from being hanged by the bulls.

And that is more than most people can say for an entire lifetime.

That should have pride of place in his presidential library, which of course it will, because it's going to be in an otherwise empty room.

But still, I hope that one day Sarkish Willie comes to meet Bush on his deathbed, and Bush's last words will just be to point at Sarkis Willie's nadgers and whisper, earn them.

I think that makes him the first US president to save someone from being hung by the Najah since Calvin Coolidge.

Who did he save?

Who didn't he save John?

He was on a one-man crusade to stop the trend of Nadjah hanging that was really crippling America at the time.

But it just goes to show that the very mentioning of Bush's name now can be used as a threat against emulating him.

It's synonymous with a catastrophic legacy.

He's repeatedly claimed that history will be his judge, and if that's true, then history is already practicing slamming its gavel down and has placed a black piece of cloth on its forehead.

Book deal news now, and Sarah Palin has been offered apparently $7 million

for her book.

That's £4.65 million.

So it's £4.75 million.

£4.85 million.

There you go, two in a show, John.

Well, Doc, it's not clear exactly what kind of book Sarah Palin is planning, but it sure as shit won't be an Atlas.

Do you not think so?

Because I've been thinking about this, John.

I guess the world is curious to know, really, if she's as stark, barking, bonkers when she's got the time to sit down and write things as when she just stands up and sees what comes out of her mouth, as happened on the campaign trail.

I've heard rumours, though, that she is considering a bodice-ripping historical Whodunit about a Hungarian cellist in 18th-century Alaska.

Sounds good.

Or a book of baseball statistics for Republican mothers, or a graphic novel about the life of Charles in charge star Scott Bio, or an encyclopedia of Coach for Dogs, or a recipe book in which every recipe uses a bit of a recently shot caribou.

Or the first in a series of collections of poems about golf, volume one, on the practice green.

I just think any of those are probably more likely than believing that anyone would be even slightly interested in her political memoirs about her ten weeks in the spotlight.

Or even her guidebook on how not to name your child.

Joe the Plumber is also apparently bringing a book out, John, in which he will analyse the main domestic and international political issues facing the incoming Obama administration through the medium of diagrams of household water pipe systems.

As his foreword says, after the last eight years, there's a lot of shit backed up in America's U-bend.

Joe, whose literary style has been described by his agent as Jane Austen on speed, meets Walt Whitman on a water slide with a sprinkling of preschool Gorvey Dal thrown in for good measure.

That's right.

If you thought you'd heard the last of Joe the Plummer, the American everyman who captured the hearts and minds of a lazily American news media who couldn't be bothered to do any genuine reporting, you were sadly mistaken.

Joe the Plummer has, in the least surprising publishing development since the Bible recently went into yet another reprint, has been offered a book deal.

His book will be called Joe the Plumber Fighting for the American Dream and will address his ideas about American values.

This will be a very useful resource if only to compile a list of the people who actually buy that book because those names should be kept on file.

They are dangerous individuals.

Bugle feature section now and to commemorate John Oliver's Las Vegas debut and possibly his Las Vegas retirement gig.

Right.

That's truer than anyone would like to admit.

We have a feature section on Las Vegas, the spiritual capital of the United States of America.

No, no, it's the spiritual capital of Armageddon.

Really?

How do you tell the two apart?

Las Vegas is the brightest city on the planet, John, when seen from space, apparently.

There's that many lights.

Right.

Again, that's illumination rather than intellect, I think.

Really?

Well, if you do view it through special glasses, which highlight culture, it is in fact the darkest substance known to man it's a moral black hole here's a couple of really creepy things you get told the hotel instead of saying have a good day they say have a lucky day when they say goodbye to you with a glint in their eye also as as i was walking off the plane there were people getting onto planes leaving vegas and there was not one face that didn't look very sad a lot of faces saying what am i going to tell her how do i phrase this Well, it's interesting you should say that because Vegas, of course, has a number of nicknames, as some cities do, but Vegas has got some great ones.

It's known as the entertainment capital of the world.

Right.

Although, clearly, the people who gave it that name didn't come to my gig in Birmingham on Wednesday, John.

Because I think the 30 people who did would have laughed in Las Vegas' face after the comedian rocket ride I gave them.

Also, Vegas is known as Sin City, so-called not because of the number of naughty ladies who live and work there, but because when viewed from the west, it looks like the ancient Egyptian hieroglyph for envy.

And it's also known as the capital of Second Chances, so-called because that is what many husbands have have to ask their wives for when returning home from a weekend in Vegas.

Well, get this, Hundy.

Here's the most sinister thing I've found out so far.

The person at the check-in desk said, and one thing, you know, you might find you have more energy here.

I said, I doubt that.

And he said, no, we pump extra oxygen into the rooms to keep people awake.

And I said, how is that different from drugging someone?

And he just stared at me with utter contempt.

Really?

Apparently there's more, apparently they pump oxygen into these hotels to keep people awake and gambling.

Really?

Gosh, do they put cocaine in the toothpaste as well?

I don't know.

Get me out of here.

Interestingly, Las Vegas was established in 1905, and the next year San Francisco was devastated by a massive earthquake.

And some people believe that it was actually delivered to the wrong city by a careless god.

Also, interestingly, it was the same year as Las Vegas was founded, Albert Einstein, the theoretical physics was, had what became known to physics fans as his Annus Mirabilis, in which he explained how molecules move, he introduced the theory of special relativity, and he worked out that the humble letter E, previously thought of as just a useful vowel or a convenient way of abbreviating the word error in baseball statistics, actually turned out to equal MC squared.

Big year for Einstein, but 103 years on, John, after these two momentous developments, Einstein's big year and the establishment of Las Vegas, more people understand fruit machines than physics.

And what does that tell you about the human race?

Two and a half thousand years ago in athens in greece john there was about to be an explosion of art architecture drama comedy philosophy and totally above board man-on-boy wrestling settling the foundations for millennia of civilization and progress that would eventually lead to las vegas and if that same rate of human regression continues for the next 2500 years then by the year 4500 human beings will be small amoebic organisms about to crawl back into the sea

Also, there's rumours on the internet, John, and I don't know if you've heard anything about this in Vegas, that Las Vegas franchises could be opening around the world and could be accelerated by the credit crunch.

There are rumours even that the owners of Las Vegas are in talks to buy the cash-strapped city of Cambridge in England and will replace the famous old university whose top three alumni, of course, are gravity discovering hat wearer and moustache grower Isaac Newton, evolution connoisseur Charles Darwin, and his fellow scourge of the creationists, actor and model John Oliver.

Wow,

those are two career choices that I am not qualified for.

You've done a bit of both.

When are my models?

I've seen that picture of you in a tutu, John.

Oh, yeah.

God, I forgot about that.

Las Vegas, England, as Cambridge will become known, will contain the world's largest roulette wheel, which will replace the main quad of the famous Old King's College, and the world's biggest illuminated tit outside the old Pembroke College, which will become Professor Tootie Maguti's, the world's leading table dancing and postgraduate chemistry club.

John, we've actually had quite a few suggestions as we asked for from our listeners as to what you should put your money on in the casinos.

Interestingly, in fact in some casinos you can actually hire actors to play the roles of your distraught wife and children.

They stand up and look as you sacrifice your and their financial security.

What do they do in terms of a hypothetical wife?

Well I guess they're just looking for someone who has kind of got quite a few wrinkles around the eyes.

There have been a lot of tears over the years.

You know kind of slightly faded clothing as if haven't really been allowed to buy anything new

for the last 10 years to fund your gambling habit.

Okay.

That sounds good.

So maybe you can maybe well d report back next week.

Sure, we'll do it.

At least it ups the stakes.

So so what are you going to put your money on, John?

Well, the emails have come in from Bugless that the average is uh putting money on black eleven.

Right.

So I'm going to put fifty dollars on black eleven.

And if it comes up,

then that is statistically unlikely.

But it's thirty-six to one, isn't it?

So so that's that's eighteen eighteen hundred pounds.

Eighteen hundred dollars.

Yeah.

Not just I, we.

Well, we can speak that out.

We, all buglers.

All bugle listeners.

And of course, all we know is that there are about 6.8 billion potential bugle listeners around the world.

Well, I think what we'll have to do is buy something for $1,800 and we'll all just keep it for a week.

We'll just pass it on.

I think in Las Vegas, you could probably buy someone for $1,800, couldn't you?

Okay, we'll do that then.

The future Mrs.

Oliver.

That would be lovely.

Winning Rome, old boy.

Bugle Sport now and John Oliver is doing his gig at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas this weekend but he won't be the only Englishman trying to avoid being punched in the face by an angry American because Mancunian boxer Rookie Hatton will be fighting New York City's Pauly Melanerge.

That's how it's officially pronounced I believe John so who are you going to be supporting John?

Are you going to be supporting Hatton from your homeland or Melanerji from your new

place of residence?

It's certainly a lot more fun to say Melanergy, but I will be going with Hatton.

Right.

Well, I guess, you know, because I like to base my support for boxers on what I think of their cities of origin.

And I've had more bad gigs in Manchester than in New York, by which I mean I've done gigs in Manchester.

Right, yeah.

I'm going to have to go with Melamaggie!

Also known as the human cliché.

He is the most archetypal New York Italian I think I've ever come across, John.

He's known as the Magic Man because he once punched an opponent so hard that his opponent turned into a rabbit.

And of course he's fighting Ricky Hatton, known as the Hitman, because he used to be a KGB assassin before the fall of the Berlin Wall.

He told you that in confidence.

He was a prodigy.

He was only four.

So better luck to all the boxers involved.

I hope you get whatever you want from the fight.

I guess that is smacking someone else in the face whilst not being smacked in your own face quite as often.

I think that's the game plan.

Now, I did promise last week we would hear from our marginal sports correspondent Woll from the World Nitpicking Championships.

Sadly, these championships were cancelled after the American representatives, the Honolulu hair splitters, complained that technically the championships should be called the World Pedantry Championships, as this would be a broader term that better encapsulates the range of detailed quibbling involved in the contest.

So it has been postponed for two weeks pending an independent arbitration panel decision.

And there was a fantastic sporting moment here, John, that I think you would have loved

had you not been dead to this country.

And that is

the most touching sight of the week, without question.

Scottish football supporters thanking Diego Maradona for his half-cheat, half-genius role in knocking England out of the 1986 World Cup.

That's 22 years ago now.

Maradona, the new coach of Argentina, was in Glasgow for a friendly match between Scotland and Argentina.

He was greeted with banners saying thank you for 1986.

Treated like the returning hero.

And John, this display of Caledonio Argentiniat gratitude was, I think, kind of typical of the narrow-mindedness we now come to associate with football fans.

Because Tom Lars Scott produced said this is all getting cut.

But I'm saying, what I'm saying is, I think rightly Scottish football fans should vilify Maradona.

Not celebrate him for helping knock England out, but vilify him because his two goals in that game prevented Scottish fans enjoying the potentially even more humiliating sight of England losing to Belgium in the semi-final.

Or even if England beaten Belgium, they've denied themselves the ultimate Scottish footballing dream, Germany beating England in a World Cup final.

That's what Maradona denied the Scottish fans they should have hounded him out of town

I'm afraid due to the excitement of John being in Vegas we don't actually have time for the promised results of the competition but that competition is now closed so you can no longer win it although if you want to keep sending your entries in we've had a spectacular response John over incredible we've had literally hundreds including a fifty thousand word novel on who is Jigme Wang Chunk.

Someone has written a book that is longer than my book that is the prize for this competition.

You have to give them a book for that.

You have to.

Just for sheer effort.

Yeah, I think we'll probably do that.

But the winning two entries in the Who or What is Jigme Wangchuk competition will be announced next week in our special Thanksgiving episode, where we will also be hearing from the return of the American and, for the first time ever, The American's Brother live in Las Vegas.

So we'll have the competition next week on the subject of my book, John.

Yes.

Which is available in all good bookshops.

Don't do this.

You're bigger than this.

You still have a choice to make here.

Yeah, you're the one in Vegas, John.

You're the one in Vegas in a hotel room that is bigger than any house any of our families have ever owned.

I'm having to try and not think about that every second I'm in here.

So, my book does anything eat bankers and 53 other indefensible questions for the credit crunch.

I showed it to my daughter, Matilda, aged 22 months.

It's got a little picture of me inside, and I thought she'd like to see it.

And I said, Oh, look, who's in the book?

She said, Daddy.

Yeah.

And then I gave her the book, and she kind of leafed through it for about seven seconds, yeah, and then just said, Boring,

and that's the first review that book's had.

That's it, put it down and mark it.

If that goes to a second reprint, you have to put that as a quote on the front.

So, my 22-month-old daughter doesn't like it, but that doesn't mean you won't.

In fact, it is the Bugles book of the week.

Just time for our forecast, and the forecast is: will Las Vegas break John in two?

Yes, yes, that's not so much a forecast as just a future fact.

I think I can already hear the fault lines in your soul opening up.

Yep, not for me, not for me.

So, do keep your emails flooding into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

And to commemorate the one-year anniversary of Hotties from History, in two weeks' time, we will have a Hotties from History Roundup of the year, including all 12 Hotties of the Month for the Christmas calendar.

You can't miss that.

You're not going to want to miss that.

That could be the showbiz event of the year, John.

Two big things to look forward to.

You've got The American and the American's Brother from Vegas for Thanksgiving, and then you've got the Hotties Roundup.

I mean, come on, that's solid programming.

So, do look at the webpage, timeson.co.uk/slash the bugle, where you can also get the bugle column, the most influential piece of comment writing in British newspaper history.

So, that's all.

Bye-bye from me in civilization and I'm John in Vegas.

Goodbye from me in if not one then all seven circles of hell.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.