Spoiler alert! Obama won

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 52 of The Bugle for the week beginning Monday, the 10th of November, 2008, with me, Andy Zalterman, here in London and in New York City, John Oliver.

Hello, Buglers!

Hello!

Everything's gonna be all right.

How are you doing, Andy?

I'm all right.

Where did you spend election?

Don't tell me, John.

I've recorded it on the telly.

I've not had a chance to watch it yet.

I've had a busy week.

Don't tell me that.

Well, in which case, Andy, I'll simply tell you this.

I was up all night working and then either celebrating or attempting to kill myself.

Spoiler alert.

I spent the next day,

due to a piece we're doing on the show, filming with a bunch of puppies, including a King Charles Spaniel, who I call Sir Sniffsalot,

partly because Sir Sniffsalot seemed to like big butts and wasn't willing to lie about it.

And the problem is, by chance, we were filming at a pet store that is right next to my house, and I'm having to walk past Sir Sniffsalot most days.

He wants to come home with me, Andy.

You can see it in his eyes.

Well, I saw that piece, John, and you don't look comfortable with animals.

What are you talking about?

You were holding that little dog as if it was about to explode.

Well, I will say this, wasn't wasn't it.

There were two puppies and then a cat.

And the cat I was supposed to hold, but we basically had a fight.

We had about 10 takes and the cat, every time I started speaking, the cat just freaked out.

I think it was allergic to the English accent.

As always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin.

This week, we have a special section on breakfast in the Obama era.

As Barack Obama prepares to eat breakfast as president for the first time in just 10 weeks' time, that's a mere 210 and a bit meals away, not including snacks.

We ask, can Obama afford to be associated with a meal that George W.

Bush also ate?

Also, the world's leading political breakfast isian, Dr.

Fromelopoltroon, talks to us about the most presidential breakfast you can have at home to make yourself feel like the most powerful man in the world.

Without wanting to give away too much, I'll put it this way.

I hope you're not squeamish or Jewish and that you own a couple couple of chainsaws and some plastic sheeting.

And also, we talked to the woman who used to poach Jimmy Carter's eggs in the White House days, or as she used to call it when he went for the poached option, the Yoke House days.

It's the former Heptathan Olympic champion, Jackie Joyner Kersey.

And also in the bin, as Barack Obama prepares to fix the U.S.

economy and make everyone in the world millionaires, don't let us down, big man.

Part one of our most significant moment in economic history.

This is going straight in the bin.

Part one is 13 billion 700 million BC.

The Big Bang, the universe begins, the most significant event in economic history.

Without it, there would be no businesses in existence today.

So, well, there's only one place to start this weekend.

What a moment for the world.

John, a historic moment, a young, charismatic, eloquent, mixed-race man who's excited and inspired the world throughout the year has broken through the barricades of history to become Formula One World Champion.

No, Andy, no, that is not the top story.

Isn't it?

I like it.

That is not the top story.

Right, what is the top story then?

The top story this week is what else, Andy?

USA.

USA!

Greatest country in the world, Andy.

Greatest country in the world until the dust settles and the reality of the current situation starts to sink in.

But no one's thinking about that now, and rightly so.

Number one, baby.

Woo!

So, well, it must have been pretty exciting to be in America for the election, John.

It was extremely exciting, Andy.

Barack Obama, or to give him his full name, President Barack Obama, or to give him his middle name as well, President Barack, holy fing shit, I can't believe that this has actually happened, Obama, became the president-elect of the United States of America.

And lo, just over half of the nation went batshit crazy.

My only concern, Andy, is that America has experienced such incredible mood swings in the last year and is set for a lot more before and then immediately after January the 20th.

Most doctors would probably argue that America is currently at risk of becoming bipolar.

This nation is exhibiting the classic behaviour of a manic depressive.

The highs are incredibly high, such as Tuesday night, and the lows have been incredibly low, such as the last eight years, with Michael Phelps thrown in there as well.

Well, John, it was a pretty decisive victory.

It was a margin of defeat that even the Republicans couldn't win with.

So, and, you know, when you look back now at the campaign, John, I think there's a number of turning points.

And I think probably the key turning point was just towards the end of September when Obama was struggling a bit.

And I did a gig for the Democrats Abroad organisation at the Soho Theatre in London.

Really?

In front of about 120 people.

And if you think back to the end of September, McCain had about a 15 to 18-point lead in most polls, I think.

No.

Well, you know, let's say that he did.

So I think my gig really, really swayed things.

Well, I mean, it can't just have been a coincidence.

No, I mean, it could have been, but not really.

Obama delivered his victory speech in Chicago's historic Grant Park to an adoring crowd, walking onto the stage with his ridiculously photogenic family.

They're a good-looking bunch, the Obama's Andy.

I'm pretty sure there's a photographer's wall somewhere that they're supposed to be on.

Every time you see them standing together, it's like they're painted in watercolour.

There should be a still-life plant wilting lightly behind them, and maybe a naked six-year-old retiree life model with his wang hanging out.

Obama very impressively managed to resist the temptation to begin his speech with, okay, America, let me lay you in on a secret.

I am actually a Muslim and I do hate America.

Here's your new Secretary of State, Louis Farrakhan.

Well, that would have been a real showstopper.

Literally, probably a showstopper.

I think the only thing he could have done to Trump that was to admit that he had blacked up for the entire campaign, which I think would have punctured the enthusiasm a bit.

But I guess his point would have been, judge me on my character.

It would have been a relief to about 49% of the country this this was a night that few people thought they'd live to see including Obama himself who said I was never the likeliest candidate for this office we didn't start with much money or many endorsements and now look at him Andy he has spent more money on his campaign than any candidate in history had almost every celebrity endorsement except for John Voigt and Kelsey Grammar and even had Oprah in the crowd in front of him standing in the cold.

That was a moment that most people found almost more unbelievable than anything else.

Really, Obama?

You're making Oprah stand out in the cold.

After all the money that she's given you, you can't even get the Queen of America a backstage pass.

She should have had a throne right in front of the stage.

For shame, Mr.

President.

I'd like to see her as Secretary of State.

She's someone who the world can relate to, who the world already respects and knows.

And I just can't think of any better candidate.

There were many, many prominent African-American figures in the crowd, including a tearful Jesse Jackson, who was visibly overcome by the moment, but was also overheard muttering, the most incredible thing about tonight is, I still want to cut his nuts off.

What's wrong with me?

Jesse Jackson also said, now I can look my grandchildren in the eye and tell them that if they want to, they can be president too.

And I thought this was slightly concerning for the world, John.

I had no idea that Jesse Jackson actually wielded that much executive power.

And, you know, it's a great moment in Democratic history, Obama's election.

And straight away, Jackson is trying to hijack it for the benefit of his own grandchildren.

Makes me sick.

Keep it in the family.

The last time a president was accused of fathering black children, Thomas Jefferson, he kept pretty stumb about it.

And it's great to see that Obama has the confidence to parade his proudly around on world television.

Shows how much America has changed in the last 200 years.

The most touching moment was perhaps when Obama spoke to his daughters, saying, Sasha and Malia, I love you more than you can imagine, and you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the White House.

Fathers across the globe all instantly started feeling like bad parents, because that is holding your children to a very high standard.

You can have a puppy if and when you help get me elected president.

Most parents give their kids puppies just for not drinking milk through their nose.

Well, I think it's quite encouraging as well, John, that Obama was showing that he's going to reach across the political divide and keep some of the good bits of the Bush administration.

And I think the world will probably agree there has only been one good bit, and that is the White House dog's Christmas video.

There you go.

So it's good that he's big enough just to not chuck everything out indiscriminately.

That's right, absolutely.

But the night wouldn't have been complete without some trademark Obama hyperbole.

He addressed his campaign team at one point saying, to the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics, you made this happen.

Whoa

there.

The entire history of politics.

I'd just like to say to my campaign team, you made Caesar's campaign team look like a giant group of douchebags.

Seriously, you made the people around Alexander the Great look like clowns and bad clowns, like fat old clowns that should have retired years ago.

Tired birthday clowns whose balloon animals all look pornographic.

You're the greatest.

Well, I guess, you know, part of his appeal to the world, and there's been amazing scenes all around the world.

In fact, in Britain here, following the November the 4th election, there were the next day on November the 5th, fireworks displays all around the country to celebrate.

And I guess it's because everyone around the world feels able to relate to Barack Obama.

I feel this, John.

I feel I've got a lot in common with him.

I've got a white mother.

My father is from Africa, albeit South Africa.

Same continent.

Yep, my wife's a lawyer.

I have a daughter.

I don't really like terrorists.

Oh, my God.

I've got relatives whose lives I have absolutely no idea about.

I had quite an odd-shaped head as a kid.

And above all, I think this is where me and Obama really link on a spiritual level.

This is spooky, Andy.

Where we really link on a spiritual level is I too know what it's like, just like he does, to stand up in front of a crowd and speak for an hour and not get any laughs.

I know outdoor gigs are tough, John, but he got nothing.

Lots of applause, but no laughs.

And he was really making points more than cracking jokes.

And I'm just not really sure that's comedy, to be honest.

At one point, he spoke of a 106-year-old voter called Anne Nixon Cooper and all the changes that she'd seen in her life, saying, if my daughter should be so lucky as to live as long as her, what change will they see?

What progress will we have made?

And as one, we all knew what he was talking about, Andy.

Rocket boots.

That's his mission.

For Kennedy, it was the moon.

For Obama, it's an affordable, fully working rocket boot.

That's what America needs.

That is transport.

We can believe it.

Come on, America.

If we can dream it, we can do it.

So, well, I guess, and that's the problem, John, is expectation management is going to be difficult.

As Norman Mailer himself said, expectation, like an exploding rhinoceros, is a dangerous beast.

And,

well, he might have said it.

I didn't spend a lot of of time with him.

Now he's dead, so I guess we'll never know.

But I guess, you know, there is so much excitement about having a president who talks like presidents talk in TV drama series.

And, you know, people will be expecting

to come up with a scientific formula for turning bread into sandwiches.

And basically, John, these are really tough times to be a pessimist at the moment.

Yeah.

I mean, you really have to dig deep to really see the worst in this.

That's what I mean.

There's no doubt.

There is going to be an inevitable anticlimax when pessimists can come back from under their rock.

But But for now, for now, it's really good for at least a while, even though it may be transient, even though it may be ultimately hopeless, to see the good in things.

And for his part, John McCain made a very gracious concession speech, a lot more gracious than George Bush's concession speech eight years ago, which he somehow managed to put off for so long that it became an inauguration speech.

I'm still not quite sure how that happened.

McCain began by saying, a little while ago, I had the honour of calling Senator Barack Barack Obama to congratulate him.

And his supporters responded to this noble sentiment by promptly booing.

That's the spirit.

The old poisonous Talk Express reaching its final destination.

I am really starting to get the feeling that John McCain would be quite happy never to see his supporters ever again.

But I'll tell you who the real unsung hero is here, Andy.

President Bush.

He has managed to screw up the country so badly that America is now ready for a black president.

There's no way that would be happening if he hadn't been so absolute in his incompetence.

In many ways, he's a pioneering civil rights leader.

He's like Rosa Parks.

If Rosa Parks had, instead of refusing to go to the back of the bus, had become a poorly qualified bus driver, had crashed almost every bus in Montgomery into a ditch to the point that no one really wanted to ride the bus anymore, and black people were therefore free to sit where they wanted.

They each had their methods, but they each did great things.

The Obama future.

What about the future, Andy?

What kind of president will Obama be?

Well, he's in the very fortunate position of not physically being able to be worse than his predecessor.

It's like the next ship captain tried to sail across the Atlantic after the Titanic.

Look, as long as I'll get you across the ocean alive, I think we'll all agree I'm going to be the greatest captain in the world.

It is going to be hugely refreshing just to have a president who can string a sentence together.

The bar has been set incredibly low in fact it's just set at competence at the moment and on bush's part there was concern about what he'd do in his last spell in power but i think i think that's gone now i think he'd happily go now he's had enough when he meets obama next week obama shouldn't be surprised if he's already packed his stuff up and is asking him if he wants to move in before christmas

the obama world reaction the the world has reacted incredibly andy in fact celebrating the results so hard it's almost rude.

There was a real sense of thank f it's over in the phases of this planet's inhabitants.

And I wouldn't be surprised if Bush's feelings were a little bit hurt over this.

Okay, you're happy.

I get it.

I'm starting to think that you're looking forward to me leaving.

Well, there was quite an amazing reaction around the world.

In Britain here, some amazing newspaper

reporting of it.

One journalist said this is the most significant moment in human history since fish climbed out of the sea.

Another said when Christopher Columbus discovered the USA in 1492, he could surely never have dreamt that one day a woman would be just a few million votes away from becoming vice president.

And also another newspaper went with, Arsenal struggled to find goal scoring touch in Europe.

Although I may have read that newspaper from the back frontwards.

Here in Britain, we've had one of those moments that's, you know, when your grandchildren point a gun at you and ask you where you were when this event happened.

You'll be able to tell.

You'll never forget.

You'll never forget.

And that moment was interest rates being cut to a 50-year low, John.

Wow.

Down 1.5% to 3%.

Wow.

Britain's had its history as well, there, business.

It's 40%.

An historic week for Britain, too, Andy.

And it's not just that, John.

There's been some epoch-making democracy here.

In fact, in many ways, this is more significant than the U.S.

election because we've had the Glenn Rothis by-election, John.

Right.

And it was won by Labour.

And I think this is more significant than Obama winning the U.S.

election because I think it was in everyone would agree that it was inevitable at some point in American history that a a black man would become president.

But it was by no means clear that Gordon Brown would ever win another by-election.

True.

So in many ways that is a more historic event.

And yet where's his global front pages?

Yeah, exactly.

Even Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent a message of congratulations to Obama, the first message of goodwill to an American leader since the Islamic revolution.

And he offered talks to America under only two conditions, that America withdraw its support for Israel and end its presence in the entire Middle East.

Well, book those flights now, Mr.

President, because neither of those seem like insurmountable hurdles to me, unless he's serious, in which case they are.

Well, maybe he's just, you know, just, it's a starting point for negotiations, John.

And he said some quite odd things, Omatinejad.

He said, I congratulate you on being able to attract the majority of votes of the participants of the election.

He carried on, as you know, the opportunities provided by Almighty God, which can be used for the elevation of nations, or, God forbid, for their collapse, are transient.

I hope you will prefer real public interest and justice to the never-ending demands of a selfish minority and seize the opportunity to serve people so that you will be remembered with high esteem.

Now, I don't know who writes his greetings cards, John.

That was intense and mysterious.

I think he just pulled it off the shelf.

That was a standard one.

It had a boy with a balloon on the front.

But of course, John, the immediate British political reaction, as always happens, was some bickering in the Houses of Parliament between the party leaders.

It's the default British reaction to anything except when there are actually things worth bickering about, in which case

parties agree to go to war in Iraq.

But David Cameron, in Prime Minister's questions, used Gordon Brown's No Time for a Novice line from his conference speech a few weeks ago to suggest that America had in fact chosen a novice at this time.

And yes, I guess that the idea that Britain should therefore pick David Cameron.

And I guess it would be interesting if Cameron does win the next election, which does appear likely.

You know, there will be celebrations all around the world and kids will look up to their parents and say, yes, mummy, what a world we live in, where an Eton and Oxford-educated white millionaire can still make it all the way to Downing Street.

He could be the first white privately educated prime minister we've ever had, Andy.

The Russian response was interesting, John.

The day after the election, the Russians started banging on about their missile defence plans for Europe in an effort to try and dissuade America from their European missile defence systems.

And you kind of expect this from a Russian leader.

You know, it was a great opportunity to be seen to be doing something a bit crazy, and Medvedev took that.

And I guess, you know, there's a certain level of expectation with Russian leaders.

It's like a Catholic priest handing out the same brand of biscuits for a thousand communion services in a row.

And all these world leaders are kind of jumping around in excitement, saying, Hey, over here, Barak, look at me, look at me, Barak.

Are you watching?

I'm doing a somersault.

Well, my favourite somersault this week came from Silvio Berlusconi, Andy, Prime Minister of Italy and career criminal.

Never lets you down.

Who described Obama after his victory as young, handsome, and even tanned?

Oh, Silvio.

Whether that was an opinion or a joke, either of them would be from the 1950s.

Well, you can always rely on Berlusconi to come up with the goods.

I mean, that's what you want in Italian politics, John.

I mean, you can't make jokes about the Lyra anymore, and we all miss them.

And they don't change government quite as often as they used to.

And it has been a while since their tanks only had a reverse gear.

But Berlusconi will always be there for us, John.

He will always say something genuinely appalling, but at the same time, quite funny.

He said some amazing things over the years.

He suggested that the Chinese used to boil babies under Mao.

This caused a bit of a rumpus with the Chinese.

And then Berlusconi clarified his comments by saying that they didn't eat them, they just boiled them in order to use them to fertilise the fields.

Also, he told a German member of the European Parliament that he'd be perfect for a film role as a Nazi camp guard.

Also, he described himself as the Jesus Christ of politics.

I'm a a patient victim.

I put up with everyone.

I sacrifice myself for everyone.

And he also said, if he was talking about why companies should invest in Italy, he said, another reason to invest in Italy is that we have beautiful secretaries.

Oh, God.

He's the worst human being in the world.

Yeah, but he's great value for the neutral spectator.

Presidential Firsts Fact Box.

So Obama, of course, the first ever African-American presidents of America.

And

this is one of of the great presidential firsts.

There have, of course, been other significant presidential firsts through history, some of which are these.

Harry Truman was the first president to limbo dance under the Oval Office desk.

Zachary Taylor, the first president to say k in his inauguration speech.

That's after he stuffed his toe on the lectern.

Chester A.

Arthur was the first president to have killed a cat.

Well, he loved his baseball, Arthur, and his cat just stepped into a fastball, so it was an accident, really.

Gerald Ford was the first president to wear a G-string.

In fact, that's why it's called a G-string, and he did so to try and put Brezhnev off at a meeting.

Warren G.

Harding was the first president to have once dressed as a woman and tried to sneak into an Anne Summers party.

Sebastian Big Jugs was the first president to change his name.

He became Dwight D.

Eisenhower.

It's in the initials, John.

Double D.

Bill Clinton was the first president to have won Wimbledon.

No, sorry, I've got that the wrong way around.

Yvonne Gulagong was the first Wimbledon champion to become U.S.

president.

Now, hang on, no, she was Australian.

I'm confused.

Other news now.

And Proposition 8.

As we all know, elections in America aren't just about voting for landmark candidates and giving the world a sense of hope it hasn't felt for a while.

They're also about the important things, voting for propositions to amend state legislation.

And proposition fans were spoiled for choice on Tuesday, Andy, with 136 across the nation's ballot papers, including abortion rights, assisted suicide, medical marijuana, and gay marriage.

Oh, goody.

All my favourites, Andy, a box of divisive chocolates.

It's so hard to know which one to pick.

Well, let's start with Proposition 8, Gay Marriage in California.

Well, the result of this, Andy, was that America managed to instantly deflate its hope balloon when this proposed ban on same-sex marriage passed, overriding the recent court ruling which legalised them in the state.

And wow, that warm feeling didn't last for long, did it, California?

No longer had the racism subsided than the homophobia came galloping to the surface.

In Chinese philosophy, the concept of yin and yang concerns the balance of the opposites.

And while America yinned Tuesday night, California was busy yanging all over the place.

The clue is yin and yang, not yin and yin.

There was one great moment when Belaz Mitchell on CNN interviewed the editor of The Advocate, a gay bi-weekly magazine, and said, your magazine has fought Prop 2 all the way.

Are you shocked at the support for Prop 2 in a state that's considered to be the bluest of blue states?

Do you know what?

This woman was shocked, Andy.

Partly because she thought she was coming on to talk about gay marriage and Proposition 8, and was instead seemingly being asked about Proposition 2, which concerns the living spaces of farm animals.

You could see her thinking, well, I mean, I thought I was here to talk about gay marriage, but sure, I definitely think that chickens should be allowed to move around freely.

In fact, I'll go further and say that is the position of the entire gay community, even though, as you know, chickens are notoriously homophobic.

But it does raise the question, John, of how long will it be until America is prepared to embrace either literally or metaphorically a gay president?

And would it cause the same level of celebration as Obama has caused this week?

There's never been openly gay president.

There was, you know, JFK, possibly.

Whoa.

Well, you know, all I'm saying, John, he was shot by a man.

It just got jealous lover written all over it.

It's not entirely clear what legal status the estimated 18,000 marriages which have taken place in the last six months will now be.

Is America going to forcibly divorce people now?

Have a minister standing up in front of people saying, I now repronounce you two separate dudes with absolutely no connection to each other.

Other than the fact you will both be burning in the fires of eternal hell.

You may now separate your possessions.

How could this happen under the new Prince of Hope, Andy?

Well, I'll tell you how, because he did he did Jack K shit to stop this from happening during the campaign.

Knowing that in terms of electability, this was one political volcano that he may not want to go swimming in.

In fact, his position on gay rights and marriage has been the position of a man not only sitting on the fence, but also making sure that he even has one ball on either side.

During a debate on gay issues in the primaries, as he was dodging questions,

he was asked about gay marriage and he said, well, my view is that we should try to disentangle what has historically been the issue of the word marriage, which has religious connotations for some people from the civil rights that are given to couples in terms of hospital visitation, in terms of whether or not they can transfer property or any other social security benefits and so forth.

So it depends on how the bill would have come up.

And look, semantics may be important to some.

Wow, he was trying to dodge that bullet like Neo in the Matrix, Aze.

British other news now, and Britain's children are obnoxious little shits.

That is now official.

Of course, Britain has always been the spiritual home of the obnoxious little shit.

It's now been officially confirmed.

More than 4,000 children under the age of 5 have been suspended from school due to bad behaviour.

Now, well, John, we might not have much of a manufacturing sector these days and even less of an empire, but we can still proudly boast to have the world's most irritating children.

Almost 2,500 of these children were banned from school for violence towards other children.

I'm a bit worried that the government efforts to stamp out football violence have merely driven it off the terraces and into the school playground.

But, you know, there's no evidence for that yet.

890 children under five were suspended for assaulting an adult.

And I used to think that I could take a five-year-old in a fistfight, Andy, and now I'm just not so sure.

It seems we are developing a group of very violent infants.

Perhaps we're just evolving, as a nation, an unstoppable army.

Maybe the empire is coming back again.

By the time they're they're 12, they'll be an elite fighting force.

Well, I prefer to see it in less militaristic terms, John, because you think 20 years ago, what did kids used to do with their spare time?

They used to ride around on bikes, and now we have a generation of Olympic cycling champions.

So in 20 years' time, these little shits who are punching each other's faces in the playground will dominate the world ultimate fighting championships.

They'll be able to smash a chair on someone's head at 50 yards.

Some people have blamed

the problem on on a lack of disciplinary measures available to teachers, others on low-grade parenting, and others still on the fact that almost all four-year-olds are odious little shysters.

Now, Andy, you have a toddler.

Yeah, don't you?

Now,

I guess my question to you is,

is she hitting you?

She...

It's okay, Andy.

You're in a safe space now.

Known to do a bit of eye gouging.

She can't get at you now, Andy, unless she's on the other side of the studio glass staring at you and running her finger menacingly menacingly across her throat oh she can't no but i i the one thing i was really worried about was um oh she she committed a a racial hate crime john

um a few months ago she um she threw ham at a praying muslim

you know i mean she's my daughter and i'll i'll always love her i can't justify what she did I can't justify it.

She was only, I think, about 13 months old, eating a ham sandwich.

She threw it.

There happened to be a praying Muslim on the next seat along.

The ham landed on his hand.

But, you know, out of the context of her being an infant, it looks bad.

It's worse, Andy, because her father is Jewish.

So even having that ham was anti-Semitic.

Well, the whole point of her having a ham is to try and build bridges between the warring religious communities of the world.

That's a true story.

Your emails now, and thank you very much for all the emails that have been flooding in.

This one is from Adash in Stockholm, who says, Dear the bugle, I'm sure that you, Andy, and John have come to terms with the prospect of an Obama presidency, president of the world, that is.

Never before has the notion of the American president essentially being the president of the world been more evident than in the last few days.

And never before have people from all over the world wanted to be more American.

He goes on to say, I feel that for all this goodwill and more, all Americans should thank George Bush.

Good point.

You see, without him, it would be just another round of snobby politicians involved in a skirmish fire.

But now, George Bush has unwittingly welcomed the second coming of the Messiah, albeit he is black this time.

And he was black the first time, but, you know, that's...

That's something I know people don't particularly like to think about.

I foresee that in a few months the American public and the media will be carrying out a mass public crucifixion of this Messiah and low, order will be restored.

It's entirely possible, Andy.

Right.

Who's going to be?

In the Rose Garden, they'll be erecting a cross.

Who's going to betray him?

Is it going to be Biden?

Of course, it's going to be Biden, and he won't even mean to do it.

It'll be his ultimate gaff.

It'll be like a slapstick Judas.

Oh, no, I didn't mean...

Oh,

oh, I didn't know the microphone was on.

And two emailers have alerted us to a very important issue that has been raised on the bugle before.

These emails are coming from Sarah McCaiton-Palin Kiptak,

who concludes her email with utmost buglarity, and also from Paul Booth.

And Paul writes, Dear John, and brackets the occasional brackets, Andy, what's that supposed to mean?

I'm pretty sure that's not complimentary.

After watching the television coverage of the election last night, I stumbled blindly to my computer, convinced of one simple fact.

The election is not over.

Yes, it's true.

Although Barack, quotes, Obama may technically have quotes won the election, there are those who have decreed that the race shall continue perhaps into infinity.

You see, Rudy Giuliani is still accepting donations for his campaign.

I expect a comeback any day.

Thanks for the warning, Paul.

Good for Rudy, Andy.

America's mayor never gives up.

So thanks to Sarah and Paul for alerting us to that.

And do keep, please keep giving money to the Giuliani campaign.

Giuliani 2012, Andy.

only he can stop paling.

So, thanks for your emails.

Do keep them flooding into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

And next week, we will have some more hotties from history.

Also, check out the websites at timesonline.co.uk/slash thebugle, where you can get access to the bugle column, the most significant opinion-forming column in newspaper history.

Bugle sport now, and well, the impact of the US election has shuddered world sport to its very foundations.

Been some amazing election related sport, John.

As mentioned last week, Lewis Hamilton basically had the future of America in his hands in the last Grand Prix of the season.

And he needed to win for the Democrats to have any chance, looking at the statistics from history which show that Democrats only win whenever British drivers win the world championship.

And for those who didn't follow it, Hamilton needed to finish fifth and he was fifth for most of the race and then got overtaken with two laps to go.

And it was raining, and he overtook a guy who hadn't changed onto wet tires on the penultimate corner of the World Championships.

And if the rain had held off for another 30 seconds, John, the Republicans would have won the election.

Who are you thanking there, Andy?

Are you saying it was Lewis Hamilton who got Obama elected?

Was it God sending the rain down, or was it just prevailing weather conditions if you're an atheist?

Well, I think it's probably a mixture of all of those.

I'm going to throw another name into the hat as well.

I mean, Lewis lewis hamilton drove a curiously defensive race in the last race which suggests to me that he actually wanted the republicans to win

um but luckily god did send a small shower of rain uh and um even more luckily timo glock the 26 year old german driver he was the one that didn't pit for wet tires and he perhaps feeling guilty about what germany did in the war he wanted to make it up to the world by allowing obama to become president so he slowed down dramatically in the last lap hamilton overtook him and then Obama won the election on Tuesday.

Well and it may well be that sport is responsible because also in the NFL the Washington Redskins have a very strange statistic that I believe the last 17 elections if they win the incumbent party wins and if they lose the incumbent party loses and the Washington Redskins lost really big almost suspiciously big

It seemed like there are a couple of members of that defensive line who played terribly

I'm just not willing to have this on my conscience.

Looking around at the quarterback saying, you are going to get sacked today.

So thank you to the Washington Redskins as well.

There are these strange kind of quirks of sports.

For example, the Queen Mother has only ever died during a year in which Turkey have reached the World Cup semifinal.

That's a fact.

And vice versa.

Turkey only ever reached the World Cup semifinal after the Queen Mother's popped her clogs.

She did what she could, Turkey.

She got you to the semis.

Why couldn't you honour her death and go all the way?

Here's another reason to be concerned, John.

1939, Portsmouth won the FA Cup.

Oh, no.

And we all know what happened later that year.

2008, they won the FA Cup.

Fingers crossed.

Could be a dodgy last couple of months to the year.

Just time for the Bugle forecast now.

And the forecast this week is how long after January the 20th will it take before cynicism sets its teeth back into the flesh of humanity well this is this is a significantly positive time andy so i'm going to give it a whole three months three months yeah well that that's the longest i've ever heard you suggest that might happen yeah uh i think uh

i think it might be less than a week i think

i think six days I hope it's a spirit.

I hope it's four years at least.

Six days.

Well, John, in some ways, actually, six days might even be too long because I've already got an example of cynicism about the Great Obama victory, one of the most momentous events of modern politics.

You know, one of the most significant symbolic events in the history of democracy.

Whatever happens, I think

that's ours to keep.

I was looking at a message board on a rugby club fan site and someone started a message.

They wrote OT at the top, meaning off topic, so not to do with rugby.

God bless America.

Well done to Barack Obama.

A great victory in a truly intriguing and enjoyable election campaign.

Good luck for the next four years.

Kudos to John McCain too.

You campaigned well and have conceded defeat like a true gentleman.

The US political system needs more people like you.

And he just left that message.

And then

40 minutes later,

the first response to that was a little emoticon of a little blue bull with a face snoring,

yawning with three little Zeds animated coming out of it.

Already bored.

The rugby community.

Already bored of the Obama era.

That's how quickly it can happen, John.

So keep the faith, everyone.

And we'll be back again next week.

And we start the Bugle Countdown to 2012.

We'll guide you through all the twists and turns of what promises to be another thrilling campaign with the economy already struggling.

Can Obama hang on to become the first African-American president to win a second term?

Will Sarah Palin be the new Sarah Palin or will it be someone else?

We'll be there every step of the way and John and America I'd imagine the tension is already building.

Oh we can't wait annihilate campaign season is underway.

Can he or she do it?

208 weeks to go.

Strap in.

Bye-bye.

Bye buglers.

Congratulations America.

Well done.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.