Let it all be over soon!

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world

Hello buglers and welcome to a historic issue 51 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday the 3rd of November 2008.

It's an election special

and John well I am here in London taking the temperature of public opinion about the US election in a hermetically sealed studio.

It's lukewarm.

It's a mixture of nerves and panic here.

It's just, it's not even hope now has been replaced by just fear that something terrible might happen.

And also, happy Halloween, Andy.

What is more appropriate than fear on this day of all days?

Well, exactly.

How are you celebrating Halloween American style?

Well, just American style, I mean just dressing up.

We are recording this on Halloween.

What have you dressed as, Andy?

Well, I've come dressed as a pumpkin in the world's biggest pumpkin.

We've recently grown the world's biggest pumpkin.

Oh, and it's a real pumpkin that you've got inside.

Yeah, I'm just in it.

I have dressed like a slutty nurse.

The reason is

there was a mix-up at the costume hire place.

I got this tight rubbery outfit debasing a low-paid public worker and a 20-year-old college student from Florida will be going out tonight dressed as Ernest Hemingway.

I hope she looks good in a pipe.

It was a slutty Ernest Hemingway that I was going to dress as

well.

Is there any other kind?

Also, here I've carved a pumpkin with a bugle in it, and any children that have come to Trick or Treat over the last week, I've given an episode of the bugle to, whether they say trick or treats.

They look confused, but they will thank me in the long run.

Monday, the 3rd of November.

It means it's 51 years to the day since Laika the dog was fired into space.

The first creature fired into space.

Get well soon, little doggy.

Come home.

Also, happy birthday to Michael Dukakis.

He's 75 on Monday the 3rd of November.

He gets older every day, doesn't he, John?

Apparently, he was going to celebrate by setting up all of his toys and action figures from when he was a boy and giving a speech he would have given at his inauguration in 1988 had he not been robbed of victory by the American public.

He's going to follow this by driving in a one-car motorcade to his local shop to buy himself a box of chocolates, each of which he'll give the name of a Republican senator and eat whole.

As always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin.

Now that winter's coming, a special bobsled section is going in the bin.

A review of all the world's best bobsled computer games, including FIBT 2009, Plummit Pro 7, and Stephen Holcomb's Bob Sled Bonanza.

Plus, folks singer Joan Bais's new album about the Bob Sled, The Twisting Tracks of My Soul.

Also, a preview of the 2008-9 bobsled season, including Can the Maverick Italian Toto Splotarotti's Revolutionary 1-2-1 formation really work, or will the tried and tested 1-1-1-1 still rule the day?

And also, celebrity interviews with controversial Muslim cleric Abu Hakan al-Kahakalak, the former Saudi Bobsled champion, who now thinks bobsleds are the devil's toboggins and are scored a fatwa on the resort of Sam Moritz.

And also with Bob Sled, America's leading bobsled-themed musical comedy act.

And also in the Finn, first in the new series of computerized simulations of what the bugle would have sounded like in history this week, what the bugle would have sounded like eight years ago on the eve of the 2000 election.

Well, John, I just can't see how Gore can possibly lose it.

I think Nar is probably safe.

Absolutely.

I mean, yes, there's a bit of a hangover from the Clinton administration, but there is no way, no civilized country in the world is going to elect Bush.

Oh, anyway, yeah, it should be good.

Gore should be good.

If Bush wins, I will eat my own face.

Top story this week, and the Congo.

Just kidding, the US election.

Congo really picked the wrong time to plunge itself into a bloody civil war.

Well, we're nearly there, Andy, and barring a huge surprise.

Either Obama or McCain will be president-elect by the next episode of the Bugle.

That is, unless Hillary Clinton swoops in to take it at the last minute, or one of the founding fathers comes back from the dead.

Incidentally, my money would be on John Adams.

He's got Comeback Kid written all over him.

This week saw the debut of a 30-minute Obama primetime ad, which aired across seven U.S.

channels at an estimated cost of $1 million per channel.

Speak to Americans right where their heart is: the television set.

And through the very thing the television set was made for, the infomercial.

Ever since John Logie Baird first dreamed of selling a two-minute omelette maker to the public at three in the morning,

his historic invention has been building to this point.

The program itself should have been a ratings disaster.

It had none of the ingredients for a hit show.

There were no ex-celebrities either eating bugs or learning to ballroom dance.

There were no pets doing the funniest things.

No crime scene investigation of any kind.

And no overprivileged teenagers driving around in a Mercedes in the Hollywood Hills while arguing with each other.

And yet, somehow, it received an audience bigger than the World Series final game which followed it.

That should be put into perspective, Andy.

That was the lowest-rated World Series in baseball history.

It seems an alien concept to us here in Britain, John, where our longest party political broadcast is about five minutes.

and even in that time still manages usually to result in a fight for the crossword and a cue for the toilet in that order.

This bold move proved that not only would Obama make a terrific president, he'd make a passable mainstream documentary maker too.

Yes, his work would be a little syrupy, but his heart would be in the right place.

Some said the spot was so slick it could have been orchestrated by Karl Rove, which I suppose is a professional compliment and a personal insult.

In fact, no, I take that back.

It was just an insult.

I couldn't really spot in Obama's broadcast any overt terrorist messages.

And it seems that the election gets close, he's really playing that side of his personality down.

I think his campaign advisors have certainly said, don't make any major threats to America in any of your ads.

It's a time and a place for it.

The time is after the election, and the place is America.

Right.

Do you think he'll do it in his inauguration speech?

It'll all come out.

That's when people will be expecting it.

So I think he'll probably do it sometime the following week.

Oh, I see.

He'll just rip his chin off and reveal the fake beard underneath the real beard underneath the fake chin but nothing on the scale of this ad has ever been attempted before although ross perot uh did try a 30-minute uh ad during his presidential campaign in 1992 and of course history proves that that worked brilliantly obama did admit though that he's not a perfect man yes obama did say i will not be a perfect president but i can promise you this i will always tell you what i think and where i stand well there

not perfect!

Don't start pulling that shit now!

Let me make one thing perfectly clear.

I'm looking for nothing short of complete perfection.

Anything less is going to be a crushing disappointment to me.

Rightly or wrongly, Obama has got my unreasonable expectations right up.

By the end of next year, I expect world peace, a strong economy, and polar bears writing letters asking if there can be less ice in the North Pole now because they've got more than enough.

That's right, I expect both global warming to be over and polar bears to have developed cogent thought, writing skills, and indeed have invested in constructing their own postal system.

That is what I believe I've been promised over the last year by the Obama campaign.

If I don't receive it, I will take back the vote that I still cannot believe I don't technically have.

This, to me, John, this could be the own goal that costs him the election.

I mean, that's the gap the McCain team's been waiting for.

Because, you know, we've come to expect over the years, we've come to expect our presidents to be perfect.

We've become used to the ethereal flawlessness in the White House of people like Bush, Clinton, Bush, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon, and so on.

Flawless men with souls of gold, hearts of honey yoghurt, rippling six-packs, and quads to die for.

Do you know that Jimmy Carter could bench 470?

Do you know that?

I did know that.

I did know that.

Yeah, but he did it in people.

He had a white spa, and then he just had people hanging off the exact size.

If this huge ad ends up working on Tuesday, Andy, has it set a dangerous precedent?

Will future campaigns be boiled down to each each side releasing one feature-length blockbuster movie and playing it non-stop for an entire week?

The boundaries are going to keep getting pushed back.

Who will release the first IMAX political ad?

Maybe McCain should have not only released a similar video, but done it in 3D, giving each home in America some 3D glasses, except, of course, judging the way that he's run his campaign so far, he'd have just used it for an attack ad, making Obama's face in black and white loom menacingly into people's front rooms.

Well, maybe he could do the first 24-hour real-time attack ad.

The outtakes from Obama's infomercial absolutely hilarious.

At one point,

he saw a woman walk past who looked a bit like Tammy Winnette and started singing Stand By Your Man, but then he couldn't remember past the second line, so he just got as far as sometimes it's hard to be a woman giving all your love to just one man, and then just broke down laughing.

Then there's another one where he puts on a bin Laden beard and shouts Death to the West.

Un

death to the West urn.

It's an outdated genre of movie.

Oh, he had me going there.

Well, it was was a very funny joke.

And he also said, God help America, instead of God bless America.

I think that was a Freudian slip.

Such is the spending power of the Obama campaign.

He's even bought 30 seconds of the bugle.

So I'm afraid we're going to have to run his ad now.

Here it is.

Well, Andy, I mean, yes, that does seem a little light on content, but it's it's made me feel a bit better about everything.

It's all about denying it.

It's all about impression at this stage of an election, John.

That's right, that's right.

We were never going to hear anything new from it,

but I do feel that he's no real thought.

I trust the man.

That sounded presidential to me.

I think it's a bit unfair, John.

We're skewing the bugle very much in favour of the Democrats, and that could prove absolutely crucial on polling day.

So I think, in the interest of balance, I'm going to donate 30 seconds of the bugle to John McCain, who clearly can't do that.

Oh, that's a good idea.

So here is John McCain's 30 Seconds of the bugle.

Oh, cut that off.

Cut that off.

Oh, that is a shame.

That's beneath him, Andy.

Why does he keep stooping so low?

Is America actually excited anymore, John?

As the election is just days away now?

It's tired, Andy.

It's like a boxer that got into the ring of a prize fight, excited, jumping around, listening to the music, bit of shadow boxing.

First five rounds, absolutely huge.

But now

America really is...

Towards the end, as both sides throwing towels, asking to stop the fight before someone gets hurt.

Both boxes just leaning up against each other and dribbling.

But the key to the election could prove to be those who can't vote.

For example, children, children, dead people, Iranians, and me.

And I feel just as you do, disenfranchise John.

I've watched a lot of this campaign on television.

Yeah.

And, you know,

I think we both deserve a go.

Our votes are being suppressed.

Well, I mean, the Constitution.

Yeah.

Which was never a good idea.

I said at the time it wasn't a good idea, that Constitution.

This Help America Vote Act that was passed, I think, in 2002, seems to be fighting electoral fraud with electoral fraud, trying to balance it out by defrauding the fraudsters out of what they fraudulently thought was theirs.

Now, for our American listeners, there are a number of reasons why you might not be allowed to vote.

These include if officials wrote your name down wrong, if it therefore doesn't match your ID, if your name is a bit like the name of a criminal, if you miss three consecutive elections, if you look a bit shifty, or if you smell of oats, or if you whistle something that isn't a Star Spangled banner when queuing up, or if you make a joke about electoral fraud, or wear a Russian hat and pretend to be talking Russian into a secret mic in your sleeve, or dress as Yogi Bear, or smoke, or play, or have ever played for the Green Bay Packers, or have a car with a musical horn, horn, or own a Swiss Army knife, a cribbage board, or a moose, or a carrying out an abortion, or if you pole vault into the polling station, shouting choo-choo, all aboard, puss, in an attempted visual pun on the words polling station.

All of these could get you barred.

It may almost be the best thing not to vote, because one of the interesting things about Tuesday is the sheer number of votes that may be cast.

This is set to be the highest vote to turn out in recent history, which sounds like it would be a fantastic thing until you hear what the possible consequences of this could be.

Voting stations in many key swing states have already seen unprecedented lines at early voting, and there are worries that Republican lawyers may attempt to slow some of these lines down, meaning that people may be unable to vote.

Essentially, too many people may be wanting to vote this time around.

The system may be brought down by too much interest.

We may see scenes only previously witnessed at the start of the January sales at Macy's.

It seems somehow fitting, Andy, that it turns out the biggest threat to democracy democracy is active participation.

Andy, dangerous participation levels may come from everywhere.

A federal judge in Ohio has ruled that counties must allow homeless voters to list park benches and other locations that aren't buildings as their addresses so they can vote.

And here's my nightmare, Andy: that there is an unprecedented turnout, even in the 90% region.

You know, you've got homeless people registering their benches, people who've never voted before turning out and enfranchising themselves.

A historic moment of people standing up to make their feelings known.

And it leads to a McCain-Palin landslide.

That is my nightmare.

In this moment of hope and people taking part, it turns out everyone is an asshole.

Also, in the spirit of Halloween, here's something to frighten you to the very core.

I just have one name and one date for you, Andy.

Palin 2012.

Because she has gone rogue over the last week.

She's always been very good at pissing everyone off except the Republican base, but now she may even be pissing some of them off as well.

The McCain campaign were left speechless this week when she alluded to being open to running for president in 2012, indirectly conceding this election to Obama, unless she meant that McCain will win, but that she will then resign and run against him in four years.

Or that he will win and then she will kill him.

Oh, God, I haven't even thought of that.

It's a smoking gun.

She will dress him up like a moose, release him into the White House garden, and shoot him with a crossbow.

I've seen the look in her eye.

When a McCain staff was told this by a journalist, apparently there was a long silence and then he simply said, huh.

And that is the perfect reaction.

And coincidentally, it is exactly the same reaction most of the country had when McCain first announced that she was going to be his running mate.

Funny how things go full circle.

Well, let's have a look at the form guides now.

Opinion polls notoriously untrustworthy.

Who would you rather trust?

A few piddly opinion polls or the combined weight of history.

So let's see what the forum guide suggests.

Well, it suggests that it's going to be a Republican win, John.

I hate to break this to you, but that's all the pointers are towards that.

It's lucky for the Republicans when the year ends in 8.

They've won six out of seven presidential elections

contested in years ending in eight.

Also, 2008, the numbers in that year add up to 10, the two and the eight.

The only other time in history that the U.S.

election has been contested in the year whose numbers added up to 10 was 1900, Republican win by little Billy McKinley.

The last time the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series, 1980, Republicans won with little Ronnie Reagan.

Also, this year, Laura Robson won the junior Wimbledon girls title.

The last British girl to win that was Annabelle Croft in 1984.

Republican win.

That fellow Reagan again.

Also, this year, Rebecca Adlington became the first British woman to win more than one gold at the Olympic since 1908.

A Republican win that year by little Billy Boy Taft.

Famous for his pre-election call.

Gentlemen, it's time to turn on the Tafta burners.

Come on, say my name.

In fact, he was the first person ever to use that phrase, say my name, also famous for his campaign slogans, don't be daft, vote taft,

and the unprecedentedly threatening vote taft or you'll need a skin graft, and the simple but direct, vote taft, or you'll never see your wife and child again.

So, what can football tell us, John?

Well, last time Manchester United won the European Cup in a year in which there was a US election was 1968.

Republican win, Tricky Dickie Nixon.

Oh, no.

And also, the European Championship final, whenever,

also, Spain won the European Championship Football Final this year, 1-0.

And whenever a European Championship final has finished 1-0, that has always meant a Republican win, albeit that 2004 was the only other occasion that this has happened.

Also, it's the 51st episode of the Bugle, and it's the 51st US election.

I don't know what that means, but I think it means a Republican win.

But I can't, no, don't suck us into this.

But here's a contradiction, John.

Here's a little slimmer of hope for you.

Every previous time Germany has lost in the final of the European Championship football, 1976 and 1992, Democrat win.

Thank you, Germany.

I never thought I'd find myself saying those words.

And here's something to think about for Democrat fans.

Lewis Hamilton, the British Formula One driver, is competing for the world title in the Brazilian Grand Prix on Sunday.

He needs to finish fifth if his rival Master wins to get the title.

Now, this might seem irrelevant to you, John, but I think Obama will be sat right next to his television watching that race with his fingers in his face.

Because since 1960, John, the Democrats Democrats have only ever won elections in years in which British drivers have won the World Formula One Championships.

In fact, the last three British drivers to win the Formula One championships, Hill in 96, Mansell in 92, James Hunt in 76.

Democrat, Democrat, Democrat wins.

So really, the future of the planet is in the hands of Lewis Hamilton.

That's a lot of pressure for the young man from Stevenage.

I guess it just depends, Annie, what are you going to listen to?

Polls or statistics?

Also, here's a statistic for you.

this is the tenth election in a row in which the democrats on their uh presidential tickets counting the uh president and vice president have had more syllables in their surnames than the republicans obama biden with five mccain palin with four that's the tenth thumb in a row which suggests that republicans choose people with short and simple names in fact they haven't had a trisyllabic candidate since goldwater in 1964 I mean, that sounds interesting, but it isn't.

Well, no, but...

Which in itself is interesting.

Yeah, but this is interesting, interesting, John.

This is, of course, this is a really, this is a really sour note for the Obama-Biden campaign.

The last four president-vice-president tickets with five syllables in have all lost Dukakis-Benson, Mondale Ferraro, McGovern Shriver, and one other.

How long did it take you to work all of this out?

Have you done anything else?

Have you seen your daughter this week?

Daughter?

Daughter?

Oh, God.

Other news now, and well, it was also a bad week for Congo to kick off because Britain has been distracted with the most infantile story of its recent history.

I don't know if this has been big news in America, John, but it has been the lead news in Britain for four days in a row now.

Russell Brands, a comedian, and Jonathan Ross, the prominent light entertainer, have been in trouble for prank phone calls on Russell Brands' Radio 2 show.

And this has become the biggest story story in the country.

In the week of the American election, a war in Congo, continuing global economic meltdown.

This has shown Britain at its infantile moralistic best, John, holding people to account when they think they might have done something that ought to offend them.

Complaining because if they had heard what was said on this radio show, which was lewd phone calls to the former Faulty Taos actor Andrew Sachs, this does sound like it's been entirely made up.

Then if they had heard that, they might have been offended by it.

And what they're really offended by is that other people did hear it and weren't offended by it and that is how britain was that both the prime minister and david cameron the leader of the opposition have passed their judgment on it and there have been over 30 000 complaints about this this radio show john two of which happened at the time that it was broadcast and the rest have happened since it was publicized the bbc has basically been tearing its hair

almost literally tearing its hair out as it loves to do it's essentially acted like a woman tearing her garments off cutting off all her hair trudging through the streets wailing and beating her chest in despair after losing a pencil or forgetting to pack a a yoghurt in her pack lunch.

It is ludicrously disproportional.

It's kind of, I guess, you know, we've seen throughout history a couple of complaints escalating into a story way beyond its proper confines, like the US War of Independence.

Basically, it started off with some guy in New England saying to his mate, Hey, Martin, I'm not too sure about that king.

I think he's a bit mad.

It just gradually snowballs.

It just happens quicker nowadays.

Yeah, it's not made any news over here, Andy, just the fact that no one here has ever heard of any of the people involved.

And, you know, if you remove celebrity from this story, it's hard to give a shit about it.

But it does, you know, there is an element of pride in my country here, Andy, because never underestimate the British public's capacity for inexplicable mass judgments.

We are very good at wildly arbitrary moralizing.

And that's what happens when you're this repressed.

We're like an emotional volcano which has been dormant for years.

We will do nothing for decades, then without warning, out of absolutely nowhere, we will violently erupt.

The same thing happened with Princess Diana.

Thousands upon thousands of people had died with very little in the way of public mourning.

Then, a woman we had no real connection to is tragically killed, and the entire nation wails like banshees for a month.

But the big question is, what effect will the Brand Ross controversy have on the US election, John?

I think, if anything, it's more bad news for the Democrats.

I think it's going to favour McCain.

Because Brand is young, flamboyant, and relatively inexperienced, which basically makes him Britain's Barack Obama.

No, hold on.

I can't even let you make that comparison, Andy.

One of those, one of those is a truly thoughtful man providing hope for the world.

And one is really tackling.

And the other one is on the Democratic ticket.

Other news now.

In Scotland, a football match between politicians and journalists had to be called off after it broke out into violence.

These were members of the Scottish Parliament and some journalists.

They were playing a game off to 55 minutes.

There'd there'd been too many appalling tackles and the Rev called it off.

Now there's two explanations for this John.

One, it was in Scotland they got a reputation to keep up.

And two, they were playing football and there is no activity so guaranteed to bring out the dick in people in a game of football.

I once saw you almost come to blows with comedian Alan Davies in a dispute over a throwing.

I've never ever seen you that angry.

Yeah, it wasn't actually about a throw-in.

It's because he was being unpleasant to another guy on our team in front of

this guy's daughter.

And I was annoyed at that.

But still, you're right, it was a disproportionate reaction.

The point is, they should have the same sporting encounter here in America, Andy.

It would be a great chance for both journalists and politicians to blow off steam.

Maybe at the end of an election cycle, get the Republican National Committee playing American football against the New York Times.

Full contact.

Full contact.

And to be honest, I think you've got to probably expect a big win for the RNC there.

But it does show, John, as a nation in Britain, we will be silently tolerant and uncontrollably apologetic when genuine grievances are there to be had.

But not with football.

I mean, when real big things happen, the Battle of Britain, for example, there are audio recordings of British pilots saying, excuse me, Mr.

Messer Smith, this is terribly awkward, but I am going to have to shoot you down.

I'm really sorry.

It must be a frightful bore for you.

I feel awful about it, but there's really no other way.

Cheery, old chap.

Sorry for spoiling your war.

But in football, a marginal throw-on goes against us, and we're like a Viking who's had his longboat clamped by an over-officious traffic warden.

There is a theory, John, that World War I had actually finished as a draw on Christmas Eve 1914.

They had a football match between both sides to celebrate, and one of the German lads went in studs up and fractionally laid on a British soldier.

And it took almost four years to break up the ensuing scuffle.

And on Armistice Day in 1918, there was just the original ref still in the middle, blowing his whistle, saying, Right, okay, calm down, everyone.

Free kick to England and a yellow car for the German.

No, just a yellow.

Right, you can have a yellow as well.

Play on.

I think we need to return to the Roman games, Andy.

Once a year, give journalists some pitchforks, give politicians a sword, and just let nature take its course.

And you can even release a tiger into the arena if the whole thing's going on for a bit too long.

Also, in other British news, a group of ex-UK independence members have reported ex-Prime Minister Edward Heath to Scotland Yard for allegedly handing over British sovereignty sovereignty to the European Union.

They claim that Edward Heath leading us towards closer ties with Europe was a crime against the Crown.

Now, just a couple of things with this, Andy.

One, treason is the only criminal charge which still carries the death penalty in Britain.

And two, Edward Heath died over three years ago.

Justice!

Yes!

So

what this means, Andy, that if found guilty, we're going to have to kill a man who is already dead.

Presumably, we'll have to exhume his body, somehow find a way to bring him back to life, and then kill him again.

There's a legal precedent for that.

That happened to Oliver Cromwell.

Three years after he died, he was dug up and hung on the gallows at Tyburn.

Is that true?

That's true.

Dig Teddy.

He sold us out, John.

This is going to be expensive for the taxpayer, Andy.

But I do guess on the positive side, it will actually have to be the greatest scientific breakthrough in human history.

So, you know, that is something.

And finally, another news: a tram driver in Vienna has been sacked after giving his passengers the Nazi salute, Seek Isle.

Charming.

Without wishing to infer that leopards never change their spots.

John, I think this guy might.

I mean, you never know with these stories when they hit the papers, you know, what's.

I mean, I know Austria has at best a patchy record when it comes to Nazism.

And you like to think that in the old days, you could always have a bit of banter like this with your bus driver without anything coming of it.

But I like to think this guy was misheard, John, and it wasn't a Nazi salute that he was giving.

What he was actually saying was, seek Kyle, recommending to his passengers that they go and see Kyle McLachlan's new film Bubba Goes to Bollywood.

Maybe he was saying seek Isle, suggesting to a passenger where in a supermarket he might find a turban to buy.

Maybe he was saying see Guile, advising a passenger on what attributes are required to win a round-the-world yacht race.

Perhaps he was even saying sick isle, a little dig at Great Britain over its increasing moral decrepitude and collapsing economy.

Or maybe he was saying, he was saying seek Isle, the Nazi salute, but was interrupted before he could finish his sentence, is one of the many Nazi-era salutes I will not tolerate hearing on my my bus, all right?

Perhaps he's just illustrating the world how much less dangerous Hitler would have been if only people then have had the sense to only let him be a bus driver.

And in fact, he does a different dictator impression every week.

He did Stalin the week before.

His Stalin impression went along the lines of Dos Verdonia, see you in Siberia.

He did Idi Armin the week before that.

Thanks for coming on my bus, it's been great to eat you.

And he even chucked in a Hugo Chavez a few weeks ago.

We apologize for the late running of this bus.

This was due to American economic imperialism.

Your emails now, and this is a very concerned email, John, that has come in entitled Empathy for Mr.

Oliver.

And he writes, hello, John, and hello to you too, Andy, in brackets.

I do not like being put in parentheses, my friend.

This is going to come from Leland Jory.

Good name, so I'll let you off.

Anyway, he writes, I just watched a bit on the daily show from the Palin and Obama rallies.

The level to which John's spirit has been crushed was palpable.

You could see, as the piece went on and on, John's spine slumped further and further forward.

By the end, John, I'm surprised you could even remain standing.

I can only assume there was some sort of structure just off camera, or perhaps a helpful intern keeping you upright.

He's right, Andy.

It has been an emotionally devastating few weeks.

Have you overdosed on democracy?

It's not so much even on democracy as sections of the electorate that I've overdosed on.

Yeah, it's not been.

It's fine when you're doing it.

It's fine when you're talking to these people with the long-term goal being to do something funny on a comedy show.

It's when you get home that night that you find it very hard to wash them out of your system.

I felt like a kind of Lady Macbeth just standing under a shower as the water cascaded over me, just trying to wash it clean.

So thanks, Leland, for your email, which Leland concluded.

Yours until the show starts to suck.

Brackets, loyalty is for pussies.

That's it.

That's an American sign-off.

Judge each bugle on its separate form.

Andy, I was cheered up by this email from Erica in Ohio.

So, you know, Erica, of course, anyone in Ohio, your vote is worth about 20 times what anyone else's vote is worth.

So congratulations for that.

And

it's about Halloween.

It says, dear, thoroughly British buglers, in other words, Andy and whatever bits of John remain loyal to the crown.

Less and less, Erica, I've got to say, less and less.

My balls, my balls.

She says, this Halloween, I was inspired by your Anglo-centric podcast to go dressed as the ultimate historical hossi, the British Empire.

By donning a culturally confused hodgepodge of ethnic wares, I sought to honour the once vast but still imperial knockouts that is Britain.

A Highland kilt, improvised Indian sari, Canadian souvenir t-shirt,

stuffed kangaroo, and shamrock bindy come together to make this costume both nationalistically offensive and terribly confusing to trickle-treaters.

And of course, like the real British Empire, I have blood on my hands and provide nothing but constant assurance of my own good intentions.

Absolutely magnificent costume, Erica.

Absolutely terrific.

What a look.

A satirical fashion statement.

We will try and put a picture of the costume on the bugle page, timesonline.co.uk slash the bugle if we.

It really is.

Yeah, it really is magnificent.

We used to have everything.

So do keep all your fantastic emails flooding in to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Also on the webpage, you can see the bugle column

and also various other stuff.

Sport now.

And John, this weekend is a disastrous weekend for lovers of cricket.

The Stanford 2020 match is happening.

I don't know if you follow this in America.

But basically, the England cricket team has been sold out to a Texan billionaire called Alan Stanford.

It's the single most repulsive cricket match in the history of cricket.

In fact, I'll go further even than that and say it is the single most repulsive cricket match in the history of the human race.

I just feel dirty every time I think about it.

He's built the ground and he's put all the money up for it.

But he was filmed with one of the England players' wives sat on his lap with his arm round two other players' girlfriends.

He might as well have played this match in a window in Amsterdam.

Andy, turn away from Britain's once interesting pastime and turn to America's pastime.

The baseball, Andy, the World Series, Series made even better this year that it was wasn't so much the Phillies against the Rays, it was baseball against the elements because the final game was suspended due to rain and then picked up and it really was baseball against rain.

It's high time now to have have all sports put up against weather conditions.

Let's have football versus tornado.

Tennis versus earthquake.

Let's see if sports can survive.

In fact, we did do a preview of the baseball season back in March, just before the season began, but it had to be edited out of the bugle then because we didn't have enough space for it.

But it's very interesting listening to it now, actually.

If you listen to this, this is how we predicted how the season would pan out back in March.

Well, John, I just think it could be the Phillies year this year.

I know they've been rubbish for ages, but I think they've got a good spirit building, a strong bullpen.

I really think they could go all the way.

Yeah, but I'm going to put all the money I've ever earned in my life, Andy, on the Phillies

to win 4-1 against the Rays.

But I won't stop there.

I'm also going to add on to that that the entire Boston Red Sox are going to die of typhoid.

I think the Yankees are going to struggle.

And although the Cubs have got an excellent squad, I think they still haven't got over their mental problems.

I think they're going to do a massive choke in the postseason.

And I also think...

that the St.

Louis Cardinals are all going to change their name to Albert Pooh Holes in honour of the Great Brown.

Well, if they don't, they should.

I'm thinking about doing it myself.

I've seen your passport, John.

You've done it.

So that was our prediction of the baseball season.

Eerily prescient in most respects, I think, Tom.

Yeah, just apart from the typhoid thing.

Also, last week, we had the final of the World Chess Championships, and I'm afraid these were marred by ugly scenes of violence.

John, India's Viswanathan, and and retained his title against his rival Vladimir Kramnik from Russia.

Anand, also known as the Chennai Czech Mater, saw off Kramnik, the Kremlin king toppler, six and a half to four and a half in Bonn in Germany.

And at the end of the match, the Indian slid over to his thousands of adoring fans penned behind fences in the stand behind the white end of the board, thumping his chest and yelling, I'm so good at chess, you'll have to eat me to beat me.

Anand's fans

carried away in the moment, then started taunting Kramnik's notorious hardcore supporters, a gang known as Vlad's Lads.

The Russian fans responded by hurling chairs at Anand's fans before holding up bits of cardboard in the shape of a knight and lobbing them across the arena.

Anand's supporters then charge at the Russians, ripping up the fixtures and fittings from the art and exhibition hall in Bonn, and throwing their commemorative cuddly castles at their rivals, as the two players were whisked away by security wearing their obligatory sponsors' caps.

The police then bat and charged both sets of fans, leading to widespread mayhem.

Kramnik fans got hold of the championship board and jumped up and down on Anand's White Bishop, MVP in the final eleventh game, after taking a knight and two pawns and three moves before helping set up the final checkmate with a classic Corsican scrape maneuver.

The Anand band, known as Chess's most brutal hooligans, then hurled the two players' special clocks through a stained stained glass window.

Tear gas was released by the police, and as the fans poured out onto the streets of Bonn, the violence raged on.

One policeman was injured when a porcelain Garry Kasparov hit him in the eye.

Army reservists were called in to calm the situation, and three arrests were made.

The tournament organisers claimed there was little they could do.

These aren't chess fans, said director George Kloppenschliger.

They're just tossers.

It's like the 1980s all over again.

They wouldn't know Sicilian defence if it shat all over their cornflakes.

And just time for the bugle forecast, John.

Well, there can only be one forecast this week, John, and that is, who's gonna win?

Well, I just I just don't want to say, Andy, I just cannot bear the thought of one option.

I can't even vocalise the other for fear that I'll jinx it.

I just,

please no.

Let's just cling to this little beacon of hope, John.

That Wednesday morning will be the first time for 12 years that the world can wake up the morning after a US election without having to worry that George W.

Bush has been elected.

12 long years.

So, next week we'll report back with how much the world has changed.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Happy voting.

If you're allowed to vote.

Ah, come on.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.