US Election nearly over!

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 50 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday, the 27th of October, 2008, with me, Andy Zaltzmann, here in London, UK, and in New York City, Mr.

John Oliver.

Hello, Buglers.

Hello, Andy.

Happy 50th, Andy.

And see you, mate.

And see you.

It's just, it's always a bit of a milestone, isn't it?

You just worry about the future.

You've just seen some of your friends already go by the wayside, and you just wonder who's next when it comes to podcasts.

It's on towards the inevitable chasm of death.

I found out something this week, though, Andy, that made my heart swell with joy.

And you can be damn sure that it wasn't.

Hang on.

Let me get something to you this week.

Were you groomed by Bob Hope?

No.

No?

No.

All right.

This is a good thing.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Yeah, did you play tennis with Pete Sampras?

Yeah, but that's not the story.

That's not the story I'm about to tell you.

Uh, it this was to do with the long-awaited new Guns and Roses album.

Oh, right.

Rumoured to be the most expensive album of all time, which I gather is finally going to be released next month after over a decade of production.

Now, it's not that I'm particularly a big GNR fan, Andy, although I like Sweet Child of Mine as much as the next man, if the next man likes it a bit.

It's this detail.

They hired a new guitarist called Buckethead for this.

Called Buckethead Andy because, and this is true, he likes to wear a KFC bucket on his head while playing in the studio.

But he quit and only came back when the label caved into his demands that he'd be more comfortable playing inside a chicken coop.

So the record company built an entire chicken coop for him inside the studio out of wood planks and chicken wire.

That

is proper rock star behaviour Andy.

I don't want my rock stars whitering on about Tibet and writing fair trade slogans on the back of their hand.

I want them building chicken coops in studios.

Today's the week beginning Monday, the 27th of October.

So, John, are you going on the subway in New York on Monday?

Do you think?

Yeah, why?

Well, have you bought it a present?

No, why?

Ungrateful little shit, John.

104 years old on Monday, the New York subway.

Oh, shit, yeah.

I remembered.

I remembered.

Digital.

I remembered.

What are you doing on Tuesday?

Uh, going Going to work.

Really?

Are you sure?

Yeah.

You're not chartering a special pedal whizzing out across New York harbour with a big bunch of flowers, a box of chops, and a big card signed by everyone in the Democratic world.

Because on Tuesday, it is the Statue of Liberty's 122nd birthday.

I remembered.

I remembered.

She was dedicated on the 28th of October 1886.

Big Libby, the 204-tonne copper bottom babe.

So

what would you get her, John, if you're going to buy the Statue of Liberty a birthday present?

It's always difficult with a lady, isn't it?

Oh, tricky.

I guess something nice to wear.

I I mean, she must be getting bored of dressing up in that same old robe every day.

Maybe it's.

Always a risk.

Always a risk, though, Andy.

Yeah, always a risk.

Slink little frock.

Make her feel she's still as sexy as ever.

I'd probably get her the new album from Ludacris, unless she's a fuck.

Would you?

Luda.

If any of you are planning on buying any clothing for the Statue of Liberty, her vital statistics are 1,812, 1,456, 1,841.

Hot.

Only proportionally, she's got it.

Oh, yeah.

If only she didn't wear that figure-concealing cloak.

But anyway, I guess, you know, maybe instead of that you might get a giant towel and dressing gown for the winter or perhaps some toiletries.

Women love that, John.

Don't take it from me.

Take it from a multi-billion dollar industry.

So I guess you're going to get something for the Statue of Liberty.

You would get maybe some new copper polish.

And as always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin.

This week, the alternative medicine section is headed for the trash can.

We put to the test all the latest alternative medicine claims, including, can putting fox's blood in your milkshake cure you of typhoid?

I don't know, but I can confirm that it doesn't give you typhoid.

Also, will sleeping in a bed of porcupine cores and banana daiquiri make you late for work?

Or will it make you more confident with the opposite sex?

We tell you which one.

Does sucking snails out of their shells once an hour really enable you to head-butt brick walls without getting hurt?

Well, no.

But if you've just sucked a snail out of a shell when you do then head-butt a brick wall, it does make your behaviour seem less out of character.

Also, how to tell if when you catch your child sticking pins in a butterfly, he or she is showing an early interest in acupuncture, lepidoptery, murder, or the occult, and the clue is the look in their eyes.

And also, a free homeopathic joke.

This joke has been diluted six times from its original form, but the essence of the quip should still remain.

Here it is.

Ah uh.

Of course, some people claim they get it, most people think it's absolute rubbish.

But in case you're interested, here is the original joke.

My great-uncle died whilst trying to put the ancient Chinese board game he'd just bought and had been saving up for for years on a set of scales.

Still, it's the go he would have wanted to weigh.

I think I preferred the distilled version.

Top story this week, and yet again, yes, you've guessed it, it's the US election.

Andy, watching the news, it is easy to think that nothing else is happening on the planet at the moment than America's world record attempt at the longest ever piece of democracy.

And Guinness had better make space in their record books because I think the USA are going to be number one yet again with this 07, 08, 09 effort.

The campaign for what looks like one of the least attractive jobs on offer currently anywhere in the known universe is coming towards an end.

In just two short weeks, it will be over, pending any recounts or Supreme Court intervention over voter fraud.

Like Jesus, this campaign just won't die.

Yeah, the excitement does seem to have fizzled out a bit, John.

But I think that's the beauty of the American system.

Because in America, you can't get in on a surge of euphoria.

People are already bored of you and sceptical about you by the time you take office.

It's not like in Britain, where in 1997, three weeks before the election, no one even knew who Tony Blair was.

He came out of nowhere, and all of a sudden, 21 days of feverish campaigning later, he's been carried through the streets like Jesus on his magic donkey.

And that's why we got so disappointed with him in the end.

I don't think that donkey was magic, Annie.

I think that was a regular donkey.

No, it was just magic Jesus.

No, well, that's the thing, John.

It was a magic donkey as well.

That's a mark of the guy's class that he didn't use the donkey's magic.

He didn't exploit the donkey.

He's not the Messiah, but he was a nice fellow, and he had a magic donkey.

Went solo after Jesus bit the big one, of course.

The donkey.

And

he's one of the biggest selling live magic acts in

first century Palestine, John.

But the Bible doesn't record that, does it, Andy?

Well, no.

The Bible's very selective, isn't it?

It can't report everything that happens.

They don't report Jesus had Week of Expert for his breakfast.

Yeah, there's highlights.

So, what have the two campaigns been up to this week?

Well, last week we mentioned that Joe Biden had been happily gaffing away to his heart's content on the trail and had struggled to get much traction in the media with them.

But Joe the Gaffer still had a secret weapon in his arsenal, the lesser-spotted turbo gaff.

On the trail this week, he claimed that Obama would be tested by an international crisis in the first six months as president and would need people to stand by him.

He said, and I quote, mark my words, it will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy.

The world is looking.

We're about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator, President of the United States of America.

Remember, I said it standing here.

If you don't remember anything else I said, watch, we're going to have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy.

Nice work, Joe.

He had clearly seen the polls creeping up in Obama's favor, and he he decided to do something to keep the race interesting.

Keep it close, because I'll tell you why, Andy, he's a democracy fan first, a Democrat second.

Well, that's the way it should be, John.

He wanted to go the distance and give people value for their inexcusably large amount of money.

We look at those words out of context, John.

They are basically the words of an evil mastermind.

And, you know, Biden...

He doesn't really look like an evil mastermind, but he does seem to be threatening the world with some kind of massive catastrophe.

But often, you know, appearances can can be deceptive.

That's often the way in reality with evil masterminds.

The films do tend to give a very misleading picture of how evil these evil masterminds look, and that's in fact what leaves the public vulnerable to people like Joe Biden.

And I think probably he should be exterminated before the election just to be on the safe side.

That is extreme.

He certainly ticked every box of the Republican playbook, frightening people about Obama's lack of experience and even ticking the elitist box when he said the next president is going to be left with the most significant task.

It's like cleaning the Aegean stables, man.

The Aegean stables, man.

That sounds worse than elitist.

That sounds like an elitist hippie.

And after speaking for 15 minutes, he then looked at the back of the room and said, oh, I probably shouldn't have said all this because it just dawned on me that the press is here.

What a dawning that must be, Andy.

A sunrise of looming disaster.

It does seem, John, that...

Both vice presidential candidates are essentially campaigning for the other side, doing everything they possibly can to get their opponents elected.

And both of them seem to have a bit of a communication problem, it seems, and not just between themselves and the rest of the world, but between their brains and their mouths.

And I do hope that is the truth, and that it's not, these words are not coming out as they intend them to, because that, I think, would be even more worrying.

Yeah, that really would be terrifying.

There's a couple of other Biden gaffes you might not have heard about over recent years.

When he met Prince Charles last year, he asked the Prince which wife was the one that he didn't actually like.

When he was speaking at the opening of a kindergarten in Vermont he finished his speech by shouting you little bastards this place is dump and your parents are all dicks.

I'm out of here.

Woke me.

And also when giving a prize at the Wisconsin Unorthodox Jewish gymnastics competition he dressed as a pharaoh and told them you're still my slaves.

But obviously the press weren't there on those occasions and we got away with it.

Better news for the Democrats came with Colin Powell's endorsement of Obama last weekend.

General Powell, a Republican, was of course Secretary of State for George W.

Bush and this development seemed to put another nail into the coffin of the McCain campaign.

A coffin which already seems to have far more nails in it than it actually needs.

In fact, it's starting to look more nails than coffin at the moment.

So what McCain needed was an even higher profile endorsement.

And there was good news and bad news on that count.

The good news was he got one.

The bad news was it was from al-Qaeda.

A militant website connected to everyone's least favorite independent filmmakers said that if al-Qaeda wanted to continue to exhaust America militarily, and again, I quote, this requires the presence of an impetuous American leader such as McCain, who pledged to continue the war till the last American soldier.

Then, al-Qaeda will have to support McCain in the coming elections so that he continues the failing march of his predecessor Bush.

Then, a man popped up in the corner and said, I'm bin Laden, and I approve this message.

This information apparently came from a password-protected al-Qaeda website that the US government accesses to check the pulse of the jihadist community.

I'm guessing that pulse is pretty quick.

They're a high blood pressure group.

And yeah, I suppose that's not the most likely thing that's going to kill them.

Interestingly.

Even more dangerous than high blood pressure is the risk of you being enough of a lunatic to blow yourself up.

That's really bad for you.

Doctors are almost entirely against that.

Palin IC has been criticised once again, partly for her clothes expenditure.

And we have a saying saying over here, John.

I don't know if you can remember, back to when you lived in Britain, you can't polish a turd.

And it appears by dressing Palin in these expensive clothes, they are essentially trying to disprove that.

And what they have proved is that, although you can't polish the turd, you can essentially put a special kind of resin coating on the turd and then paint it in pretty colours.

It's pretty expensive polish, Andy.

She has continued to surprise a country which didn't think it could be surprised by her anymore.

And this time she did it by implying that large sections sections of America are un-American.

She said, we believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America.

Being here with all of you hard-working, very patriotic, pro-America areas of this great nation.

Andy, that seems like an electral cyanide pill, but is it?

Because if you take enough electral cyanide pills, surely it's possible to become immune to cyanide.

And that's certainly what the McCain campaign is hoping for at the moment, anyway.

That's their key campaign strategy.

Well, I guess you do, I guess, become immune to cyanide after you've taken the first lot and died.

Just becoming decreasingly effective.

I mean, I think Payton's been harshly criticised for this, John, because, you know, clearly, you know, there are bits that are pro-America and bits that are even more pro-America.

That's essentially what you're saying.

It's like fish fingers.

You know, everyone loves fish fingers.

That is a given.

That's been scientifically proven.

But some people love fish fingers more than others.

And, you know, just because my friend Scruton Hiroshi doesn't eat fish fingers for breakfast, lunch and dinner like I do, and doesn't wear a protective Norman-style chainmail tabod made of fish fingers just for emergencies, doesn't mean he's not pro-fish finger.

So I guess, as with most petty political squabbles like this, both sides are wrong.

But I understand that issue so much better now, Andy.

Glad to be of service, mate.

Perhaps the most exciting election news this week here was a key development that Orange County in California has pioneered the first drive-through voting booth.

They said it couldn't be done, Andy.

They said it shouldn't be done.

Really, America?

Is it too much to ask just to get out of your car once every four years?

Is there not a danger, though, with these?

I've been to the odd drive-through, John, and there is the risk that you don't get exactly what you ordered.

And if you go to the first window,

you say, Right, I want uh, I'm gonna vote Democrat, please.

And you get to your second window, you found out you voted Republican, and by that time there's a car behind you, honking its horn, saying, Get out of the way.

This is

no place to exchange it.

I'm sorry, we're out of democrat votes uh we've got republicans left oh sure yeah i'll take one of those i'll just got a i just want to vote to be honest

and now for the second of our two weekly uh profiles of the presidential candidates this week barack hussein obama bin laden barack obama is perhaps most famous for his much publicized if fictitious terrorist links to terrorist organizations his promises of terrorists were spotted early he in fact won a junior terrorist talent competition in his islamic fundamentalist school in Hawaii.

And after joining al-Qaeda at age 12 on a youth contract, Obama was sent out on loan to other terrorist groups around the world to gain experience.

These included the Tamil Tigers, or as they were known then, the Baltimore Tigers, before the franchise was bought up by a Sri Lankan tycoon, also the Shining Path group in Peru, who fought a bitter campaign in favour of ground-level street lighting, also the Bada Meinhof Group, for whom he played the bass guitar, and of course, also the IRA.

Obama played for both the Real IRA and Athletico IRA.

As a joke for our Spanish football fans.

Obama left al-Qaeda when he decided to go into American politics, citing, quote, differences of opinion with al-Qaeda general manager Osama bin Laden about the direction the group was going in.

Obama was in favour of democracy, opportunity for all, and the freedoms and rights of man, whereas bin Laden was immovable, almost fundamentalist in his Death to the West mantra, and generally supported acts of mass public violence compared to Obama's more conciliatory ideas of electoral politics and two-way global dialogue.

Also, Obama developed the advertising slogan responsible for Hawaii becoming a prominent tourist organisation and his slogan was Hawaii!

Hawaii not he's so good with words.

He's good with words, that's where it all started.

He's also worked, John, in America as a community organiser which sounds a bit like a communist organiser.

Stalin was a communist, enough said.

Ever since then he's left no stone unhurled in his efforts to break into the presidential greenhouse.

He's done the lot, writing books, doing stuff, being a senator, all that kind of shit.

And for those of you who say he's still too inexperienced to take the keys to Air Force One, what I say to you is, shove it, big nuts.

British news now, and I'm sorry, it's a bit of an emotional moment.

I don't know how to break this to you, John, but

we're going into a recession.

What?

It's true.

I can't believe it.

Britain is getting smaller.

John, economically, psychologically and physically, we're shriveling up like a prune.

A once juicy prune, although we'll probably get better again in a year or so but still recession i mean imagine john if the bugle were to go into a recession i mean it hasn't happened yet every single issue of the bugle has been funnier than the loss on an average humor inflation rate of 5.2 percent which means that this edition of the bugle is in fact 11.9 times funnier than bugle number one that's an amazing stat yeah but that's that sounds like unsustainable growth we're set for we're set for a real breakdown there it's all based on borrowing

just licking other people's jokes it's going to come tumbling down and all i can do do is juggle two oranges.

So also the pound is at a five-year low.

And what's the point in living if your currency is low, John?

What's the point?

Well, it just shows, Andy, the bugle has now been on for so long that you used to enjoy your pound dollar joke so much, Cynthia.

Who's laughing now, Andy?

Neither of us.

So what exactly happens in a recession?

Well, no one knows, but I can tell you, for our British listeners, it's worse than a disappointing club sandwich, but it's not as bad as a nuclear nuclear war.

So, I guess we're just going to have to learn to live with it.

Well, this is time for our fabled stiff upper lip, Andy, but we seem to lose that after Princess Diana died.

So,

now we've just got to distract ourselves instead.

And how do you suggest we do that?

Uh, well, sports as well, obviously, is good.

You know, there's the anaesthetising power of sports, yeah.

Either that or just looking at shiny things, yeah.

Oh, also, well, there's some uh some British guys that are trying to break the land speed record, they're trying to do a thousand miles an hour in a car.

Perfect.

I mean, that's pointless, but I mean, that is a really good thing to do at this time for the world.

Exactly.

If Princess Dinah was alive now, she'd be doing that.

I think that possibly was the initial problem, John.

Too soon.

Now it's time for the section which could not be more relevant than it is right now.

You know him.

You tolerate him.

In a worldview, you are dominated by him.

He bleeds red, white, and blue, mostly red, but he insists the white and blue is there.

Please welcome the American!

Hey, is this thing on here?

USA, Mike Check, USA, check one, two, USA, number one.

You got that?

Yeah,

number one.

That's right.

That's a lovely little echo.

USA, number one.

Just making sure the mic's working.

Isn't there a rumor that that is going to be the new name of this country?

It's going to be renamed USA brackets number one.

I mean, it's implied, but yeah, we might as well stick it on there.

Before China, Nick it.

Yeah, China, please.

How are you doing?

How are you doing, American?

I'm feeling fantastic.

100% fantastic.

It's quite a democratic show you're putting on for the world here.

Yeah, I mean, you know, it just proves democracy still is the greatest, greatest, greatest political system in the universe.

Are you sure it doesn't prove the opposite of that?

No, it's the greatest.

It's definitely the greatest.

So is free market capitalism.

Boom.

Taking care of business.

You say that, but you know, really, it seems like you've taken the world to the brink of economic meltdown since we last spoke to you look just because the world's on our bandwagon is not my problem you know what i'm saying

just because everyone follows everything we do hey oh look america's economy's in trouble hey let's do that too that sounds fun you know we get it world all right obviously there's been uh a few uh controversial comments from sarah palin this week about the real america and pro-american areas

how have you reacted to that as an american The truth is, is, you know, I'm a little offended because I came up with that theory like a year and a half ago.

Oh, right.

And now they're stealing my talking points without giving me any credit.

Oh, so you're not actually refuting the statement.

You're just saying.

No, I've been saying this for years.

There's a real America and then there's the BS America.

So

where's the real America?

It's where the real people are.

You know what I'm saying?

Where are they?

That sounds meaningless.

Well, that's because you don't understand true meaning.

And I'll explain this to you.

It's a very simple fact.

You got these people, you got these like, you know, city elites, you got these elite city people.

They go, go they want a cup of coffee, right?

So where do they go?

They go to a place like Starbucks, it's like two dollars for a cup of Joe, right?

So but then you got real Americans, they go to a place like Dunkin' Donuts, it's like one eighty nine.

So you know, they're saving over eleven cents

fiscally more responsible and they understand what real America is, you know?

They're not wi they're not drinking wine lot days on their way to yoga practice or whatever these people do.

No one's doing that.

I don't know about that.

So are you saying that the difference between the real American and fake America is 11 cents?

It's a mathematical difference.

Just understanding that whatever French coffee they're serving at Starbucks shouldn't pass through your American lips.

But a place like Dunkin' Donuts, that's a real deal.

That's small-town America.

That's a real mom-and-pop kind of place.

No, it isn't.

It's the opposite of that.

I disagree.

Dunkin' Donuts are in small towns across America.

Therefore, they are a small-town American shop.

So how pro-American are you, American?

I mean, mean, where do you fit onto Sarah Poland's scale of pro-American-ness?

Yeah, because she loves this country more than most people.

Well, that's the thing, is it's like you got to realize it's like everyone goes, oh, the president's got to be smart and understand

the world and you know, maybe speak another language, but that's garbage.

What we need is the whole point is, you know, we the people, I want someone like me.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, maybe she didn't finish high school, you know, or you know, maybe she can't do math.

But, like, those things aren't relevant in leadership.

Leadership is about saying

stuff like, go America, and,

you know, waving flags and stuff.

And, like, maybe wearing like a pin.

Have you noticed how small Barack Obama's flag pin is?

I could barely see.

I have a 75-inch television, and I could barely see this guy's flag pin.

Sarah Palin comes on my TV and HD, and boom, I feel like I'm living inside a diamond-encrusted flag pin.

That says America to me in a different way.

I don't even need to hear what you say.

I put it on mute and I'm saying that lady cares more.

Do you think the presidency really should just be a contest for who loves America the most, the most pro-American?

That's all it's ever been.

Right.

That's all it's ever been.

And somehow along the way, people got confused and started going, oh, we need people who understand the broader good, the greater thing, you know?

And I don't agree with that.

I don't agree with that at all.

I think that you got to look at it like this.

The world, no matter what, is going to do what we do.

Look, we just brought this up, the economy.

Our stock market doesn't do well.

China, oh, we don't want our stock market to do well either.

We want to do what the Americans do.

So it doesn't matter who's driving the bus, they just have to care the most about America.

The other countries are just going to do what we do anyway.

In which case, are you thinking about running for office?

I mean, you love this country.

Yeah, but I got too much.

I got some photographs out there.

I don't think you know what I'm saying, right?

You know what I'm saying?

Hey, look,

I've done some things.

I don't want to know what you're saying.

Me either.

Me either, right?

Just kidding.

And I'm never kidding.

Tina, I'm just kidding, Tina.

We had an an email from a bugler who wanted to point something out to the American.

Do you have it there?

Oh, yep.

It's in fact from Skeeter Vance,

who on the subject of the origins of baseball.

He's suggesting that baseball, the supposed cornerstone of American culture, was in fact a British invention from the year 1755.

There you go.

And he refers to an article in no lesser source than Sports Illustrated.

And apparently there's a diary entry from 1755 from a man called William Bray.

After dinner, he went to Miss Geel's to play baseball with her.

That's 1755.

He's playing baseball with a lady.

What do you make of that?

That's got to be wrong on so many levels.

Well, I'm going to tell you right now.

I listened to everything you said, and there's one fact in there that you guys missed and overlooked that it absolutely proves this story to be false: is that this guy had a diary.

I mean, what kind of man has a diary?

So, obviously, any man who's man enough to play an American sport like baseball is not going going to keep a diary, which means Sports Illustrated was wrong.

I doubt.

I mean, I read one issue a year, swimsuit issue, because that's really the only one that matters.

But I would say that it's false and that Skeeter Van Buren, or whatever that guy's name is, should do one of two things: either learn to play cricket or move to America.

Whoa, whoa.

So you refute the allegation that Britain invented your national past?

100%.

We've gotten through this before.

The greatest things in the world have been invented in America.

Baseball, food,

no, cars, airplanes, boats, not true.

No, you didn't invent boats.

Yes, we did.

You were invented by boats.

We have been through this.

We've gone through this before.

I don't want to have this argument.

You invented wood boats, we invented speed boats.

Speed boats are real boats.

Wood boats are like for museums.

You may have invented the concept of buoyancy, but we perfected it.

And so, so, how did you invent food?

What did people live on before?

Whatever was out there.

I mean, we processed it and we figured out how to make it last longer and and have flavor.

So it wasn't food before it became processed.

In other words, yeah, like, what's cheese?

It's just mold.

But what's craft cheese?

Delicious.

I mean, in other words, cheese doesn't come in individual slices wrapped in plastic.

We invented that.

Right, I see.

And that's how you think it's best served.

Yeah, conveniently.

How am I supposed to eat cheese in my car if I can't do one at a time?

You're not supposed to eat cheese in your car.

I'll dispute that.

It's called Living Life the Way I Want to Live It, American style.

Finally, American, we heard a lot about Joe the Plumber this week.

I mean, how do you feel?

Do you feel this is a media construct, that he's kind of a fake?

This is the best way I could explain Real America.

Look, clearly we're heading towards an apocalypse, okay?

That's clear at this point.

Now, after this apocalypse goes down, there's going to be what we call a post-apocalyptic world.

Now, of course, things like the mail will still be delivered because we've seen that Kevin Costner movie, and that's the most important thing for people.

I wouldn't have to do it.

And the apocalypse is delivering mailbags.

Well, I would.

I would.

And I made it.

Come on.

The guy's made four baseball movies.

You think he knows a thing or two about America?

But I'll tell you right now: when you're in this post-apocalyptic hell, you're not going to want some, you know, wine latte guy helping you out.

You're going to want a guy like Joe the Plumber.

You want a guy who could build a shanty town.

You want a guy who can start an engine on a car that we invented.

You want a guy who can

unclog a toilet if we do have plumbing at the time.

Those are the types of people you want around

real Americans.

I don't want some guy who's going to be crunching numbers because numbers are irrelevant.

What's relevant is shooting a bow and arrow into a squirrel's head so I can have dinner.

And that's why Sarah Palin is the right choice at this current moment.

Oh, no.

So, I mean, you're going to be voting for Palin, are you?

If I could write in Palin, I would.

But yeah, you know, I mean, I just think we have to look at the reality of America.

Like I said, if we're going to be living like vagabonds, we need someone who knows how to field dress a moose.

And who do you think is is actually going to win?

McCain Palin.

Right.

100%.

I mean, he is down in the polls.

Yeah.

This is just a joke by America on the rest of the world.

Well, I mean, look, I'll put it to you this way, right?

I'm no nostrodimis, but I'll tell you right now.

You go to an elementary school and you look at the wall of presidents from the first one till right now.

Yeah.

What do they all look like?

John McCain.

If you watch baseball and they say this guy, every time he's up in the third inning, strikes out, what normally happens?

He strikes out.

It's called statistics.

So statistics are never wrong.

And statistically speaking, John McCain will be the next president of the United States.

You heard it.

He is second.

Are you registered to vote, American?

Not yet.

No.

Right.

I mean, in many ways, that's the most American.

Well, you don't really have to vote.

You know what I mean?

You just have to have an opinion.

That's, you know, because you figure there's enough people out there voting.

You don't have to go do it.

Right, but you just have to have a firm opinion.

Yeah.

And go to a drive-thru on election day.

Any drive-thru.

I will go to a drive-thru, absolutely.

Dairy queen or something.

Hunked twice with a cane.

They got a strawberry cheesequake.

I don't know what they did.

They put cheese in the earth and it quaked it up.

I don't know how they did this, but it's delicious.

Like I said, we invented food.

I'll put it to you this way.

There's nowhere in London the queen can get a cheesequake.

I'm afraid that is true.

Okay.

So enjoy your cup of drip, Your Highness.

Well, American, thank you very much for joining us.

It's always a pleasure to see see you guys.

Helping me understand and perhaps be even more frightened by the world than I was before we began to see.

No, no, no, nothing to be scared of.

America will always overcome.

Always.

America will, our flag will always be waving.

That's it.

And you know why?

Because we have one on the moon.

Yeah, okay.

And no one's going to mess with that one.

Except maybe India, but we'll talk about that next time.

American, thanks very much.

Your emails now, and thank you to all of you who have written in asking for Ringo Starr's signature to be typed out and sent to you.

We would love to have been able to do that, but Tom, our producer, couldn't find a way of sending those emails without revealing his personal email address.

It's pretty high-tech operation to bugle.

He doesn't care enough.

He doesn't care enough.

But he wishes you love and peace.

Anyway,

saying no more requests for Ringo Star signatures.

We will not send them out.

What he will do is give you a Ringo Star audio autograph.

Dear Bugler, best wishes.

Just wish he'd make more of an effort with his actual when he actually signs it.

It could be anyone.

He has to say thousands a day, Andy.

It's just the quickest way to do it.

This email came in from Lewis Peterson.

He wrote, Hello, Andy and John.

I'd like to notify you that following your wish to sign objects as Ringo Starr.

I've sent my 150-foot obelisk through the post to be signed.

I'd like to warn you, though, that I did send it via registered mail.

So in the next few weeks, you may want to listen out for the sound of a royal mail van hauling several tons tons of obeliskity goodness to your door.

New word, well done.

So, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for this week on this special edition of the Bugle with the Americans Return.

So, we will do more of your emails next week.

Do keep them flooding into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

And do keep checking the websites at timesonline.co.uk slash thebugle, including links to the weekly bugle column from the print edition this week with a very entertaining story about the Chagos Islanders who Britain evicted from their homes in the 1960s in order to set up an American Air Force base and now won't let them home.

Great piece of British imperialism.

Sport now and the baseball World Series is underway.

Fantastic spectacle of sport Andy, you can't argue with it.

You get to watch it on Channel 5 of course with Johnny Gould in his touch.

Which is lovely.

Britain of the year for me every year.

Every year.

It's a highlight.

He's an outstanding sports broadcaster.

During the game one, I don't know if you noticed this out.

I think you probably miss Johnny Gould on Channel 5 more than you miss your family.

Steady on.

Let's just say I miss him.

During game one, there was an offer from Taco Bell.

I don't know if this made it to the British feed.

Where Taco Bell said if anyone stole a base, everyone in America would get a free tackle.

That is...

Taco Bell, purveyor of reprehensible foodstuffs.

What an offer that is.

Now, of course, the interesting thing was as one, America was therefore willing both sides not to steal a base.

And so, I mean, technically, I'm in America, so I'm owed a free taco.

Right.

Who stole the base?

There were loads of stolen base in there.

It's only one free taco, though.

Oh, I see.

You don't get one per base.

But I will try and go and claim that.

Sometime this week and tell you.

If someone had been caught stealing,

would you then have had to go to Taco Bell and give them a taco that you'd made at home?

I believe that was a deal.

It was like a gamble, because it's only fair.

It's only fair.

It was Taco Bill, gambling with America saying if they steal, we'll give you a free taco.

If no one steals or they steal unsuccessfully, you owe us a free taco.

Either way, it's good for the taco economy.

That's the thing.

It's all about getting the market moving again.

Bugle forecast now.

And well, John, with just a few days, a week and a bit to go before the election, do you think there will be an asteroid strike before the election or not?

Well, Andy, it's hard for me to predict that I'm not God.

No, I can't make that

painfully obvious.

I don't think it's as obvious as you claim,

Andy, at all.

What a horrible thing to say.

I think the chances of an asteroid hitting Earth before the election must be, what, like, seven or eight to one.

Yeah.

So, very unlikely.

No, if you were a professional gambler, I think you'd go for it.

Yeah, there's pretty decent odds.

So,

well, hopefully we'll be back next week and the planet won't have been destroyed.

Um, but that brings us to the end of this 50th episode of the Bugle.

So that's a half century of episodes and a marvellous half century from the young podcast.

The bugle now raising its bat to the crowd in a proud but not too ostentatious way to signal reaching 50 episodes.

No running around, jumping up and down, punching the air, waving the bat around like a scimitar, kissing the badge on our helmet and kneeling down to kiss the pitch.

We'll save that for issue 100.

But now, no, we'll just acknowledge the applause, refocus, buckle down and try and play any silly shots for the next three episodes and get decommissioned.

Sorry, am I losing you, American listeners?

Well, if you'd paid attention when we were teaching you the world's greatest sport, I'll go further than that, the world's greatest thing, then you'd be fine and you'd understood that bit.

Idiots.

So, not only are we halfway to 100 podcasts, but more importantly, we're 96% of the way to 52 podcasts.

52, of course, being the number of Test matches played by Donald Bradman.

Oh, stop it.

The Great Australian.

And also 2.6% of the way to 1889 podcasts, at which point we would have done enough bugles to have one for every match of Test cricket that has ever been played up till today.

Of course, episode 1889 won't happen for another 38 years at the current rate of recording, by which time more test matches will have been played at current rate around 1500 more test matches.

But this is good news, John.

I'm leaving.

We're recording the recording more buglers.

We're recording more bugles only if there are test matches.

So I assume the rate of production would both be truly current rate and rate of global convergence in a number of episodes.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.