How Low Will They Go?

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to a truly historic issue 48 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday the 13th of October 2008 with me Andy Zoltzmann here in a studio in London, next door to the studio being used by the radio station Planet Rock.

So, if you hear some rock coming in the background, it's from Planet Rock.

And in New York City, it's John Oliver.

Hello, Buglers!

Hello, Andy.

I'm back.

I'm back in New York.

We've got Paul the Engineer back.

I feel this is the bugler maximum capacity.

I met Robert De Niro this week, Andy.

He was a guest on the show, and he walked past me after I'd done my bit and said, Hey, that was funny, kid.

He called me kid.

I felt like a 12-year-old.

Oh, thanks very much, Robin De Niro.

All right, Mr.

De Niro, thank you.

As he's walking down the corridor, he said to the person he was with, Is he really British?

And all of a sudden, it changed.

Hey, De Niro, come back here.

You damn right, I'm British.

Are you really Italian?

Well, I had some nice salami.

How was Yom Kippur, Andy?

Sensational, mate.

How did your Atoning go?

There was some amazing Atoning.

Really high-class Atoni.

Some of the Atoning angles that I managed to pull off were really quite staggering.

I'm like the Roger Federer of Atoni.

Best Yom Kippur ever.

Yeah, we just all gathered round the fire and opened all our presents and just a lovely family occasion.

No, hold on, that's not Yom Kippur, Andy.

That's not, that's Christmas.

Yeah.

Bad June.

It is the week beginning Monday the 13th of October, and that means there are some very significant anniversaries this week.

Today, Monday, it means it's 1954 years since Nero took power in Rome and we ask, will Italy ever recover?

It's looking increasingly unlikely.

Tuesday means it'll be 942 years since the Normans beat King Harold at the Battle of Hastings, taking advantage of the fact that Harold had had to play a title eliminator against the Vikings a couple of weeks before.

And a lot of his key players are ruled out of the Hastings match with serious injuries or death.

But William was a top-class conqueror and in decisive, era-defining battles, it's not winning that's important.

It's the taking part.

So, well done, Harold and his team.

Not, of course, that the press at the time saw it that way.

He got slaughtered the next day in the press, big Harold, losing a home to the French.

I just don't think the English press are ever going to accept that.

And, of course, on Wednesday, it'll be one year since the bugle was launched in a blaze of glory visible from the furthest reaches of outer space.

Wow.

Okay, that's a slightly revisionist view of history.

But, as they say, history is written by the winners and or by the historians.

But it's still one glorious year, and that means we are now officially the longest-running audio newspaper for a visual world in the world.

John, they can never take that away from us unless someone else does a longer-running one.

That is an amazing achievement, Andy.

The longest ever audio newspaper.

That really feels like something.

I don't know what it feels like, but it's definitely something.

Yeah.

I feel a bit like Isaac Newton must have felt when he discovered gravity.

Wow.

You did go with a big reference.

Oh, is this what it felt like?

Well, I just feel like I've got a bit of apple in my hair.

So there will be a special Bugle birthday section later in this show.

So hang on to your audio hats.

It's going to be fun.

It's going to be funky.

It's going to be fundamentalist.

Don't say the word funky, Andy.

You can't carry that off.

It sounded like you were saying it with a PH.

As always, some sections of the Bugle are going straight in the bin.

This week a special cheese section.

How to choose the right cheese for you.

Cheese to seduce a lover, cheese to intimidate a chess opponent, cheese to befuddle a man-eating predator.

We tell you the best cheeses for different social occasions.

The divorce, the passing of judicial sentences, and the annual office food fight.

Plus, cheeses of the month, including the backside Shanksburg, that's a goatee little number in the shape of a buttock, the Bavarian Bolschnauziger Flautkese, a small but impolite German cheese prepared in a working miniature-scale model, replica of a cheese factory designed by Nazi architect Albert Speer on a weekend off, The Australian G'day Gouda, that's the Steve Irwin Memorial Crocodile cheese, the blue-veined funkatronic, I don't think that needs any further description, and the outstanding cheese of the month, the very rare Victorian Penshurst, made from milk containing DNA from Queen Victoria, as recovered from a bottle used by the future King Edward VII as an infant, then matured for 10 years under the cricket pitch at Penshurst in Kent, where Queen Victoria once got hammered in the Leicester arms to celebrate the end of the Crimean War, and ended up standing on the bar billiards table singing the national anthem at 3 in the morning, wearing a suit of armour, cricket pads, and brandishing some antlers.

I should say that this cheese is not made of actual milk from Queen Victoria's magic catwangs, but it is, nevertheless, magic cheese, and that is a mark of the woman.

Also in the bin, in honour of our producer Tom's efforts to put up a self-assembly wardrobe, a DIY section in which we give you 12 new swear words to use whilst putting up a self-assembly wardrobe.

Here they are.

And

so do enjoy using them.

Top story this week, and how low can you go?

The McCain campaign has decided to go extremely low this week, wobbling their way under the moral limbo pole as their supporters chant along excitedly.

And McCain has spent the past week baiting his own crowds, like a child running a stick across the cage of a very irritable and ever-so-slightly racist lion.

Twice he referred to Obama as Barack Hussein Obama, choosing to land the emphasis very much on the second of the three words there, to booing and heckling from the crowds.

He took Pandora's box of bigotry and he threw it open.

And he may find it hard to get that hateful little genie back into his bottle, but he is trying.

He's just recently started telling crowds that Obama is a decent man, stepping in and correcting them when they call him a Muslim or an Arab or a terrorist, three things they very much regard as the same.

And what has the response to this more level-headed argument been?

He's been booed, Andy.

Booed by his own party base.

You can almost see a look in his eyes as he's listened to some of his crowds of, I have created a monster.

I think I might hate these people.

To misquote J.

Robert Oppenheimer, and now I am become douche, destroyer of my reputation.

These Muslim suggestions do seem to emanate from Hussein's middle name, but Barack Hussein Obama is no more a Muslim than George Walker Bush is a device to help old people move around independently.

But I guess the mud has been slung and apparently some people perceive that it's stuck as well.

McCain really has started to look a bit jaded, like an aging boy band member looking out at the screaming children in his audience thinking, this is not how I wanted things to turn out.

That is the only time you will hear a McCain boy band analogy.

Oh, really?

Crowds have been booing and shouting things like treason, terrorist and even want, kill him.

Now it's not McCain's fault what idiots in his audience shout out, but if you play with fire, the very least you're going to get is warm fingers.

And his fingers are getting a little over-toasty at the moment.

Well, I guess it was inevitable, John.

I mean, there's only 23 days to go to the election, which means that it's 24 days until the start of the 2012 election campaign.

I guess, John, the campaign descending into mudslinging was always going to happen.

It's kind of had the inevitability of a bowl of rice you've ordered being delivered to your table in a well-run Chinese restaurant, or the unavoidability of an elephant in a squash court.

It was inevitable this campaign would eventually dedicate itself gleefully to the art of mudslinging.

I guess Palin's really been...

I mean, it's almost like that's what she was plucked for when they pulled her out of her well-deserved obscurity to make McPen look even more reassuringly old.

She's basically just been picked for her mudslinging ability.

And she really is slinging it, John.

I mean, she's really going for sheer volume rather than accuracy or trajectory or quality of mud, but it seems to be working for her in a strange way.

One of the things they've been trying to do is link Obama to William Ayres again, the Chicago man who used to be part of the radical group Weather Underground in the 60s, who planned and carried out bombings in the US.

The Democrats have been providing a weak, weak defense here, saying Obama was only eight years old when the bombings were carried out.

Now, to be fair, that is not a great response.

The Republicans are not claiming that Obama was an eight-year-old terrorist.

They're just saying that he knew him.

And Obama has been undeniably, if understandably, slightly misleading.

You cannot claim that Obama didn't know who he was.

It is the first thing that people must say whenever they introduce anyone to William Ayres.

It is the single most interesting thing about him.

Well, I think we can expect more revelations over the next week about Obama.

Personally, I've heard on the grapevine here in London these following revelations about Obama's shady past.

This week we'll hear that he was in fact part of the Black Panther group and would have given his own black glove salute at the Mexico Olympics in 1968 had he won a medal in the discus.

Unfortunately, he was only seven years old and didn't qualify.

Also, Obama apparently spent a lot of his early life in Hawaii, not far from Pearl Harbor.

And at some point in his childhood, he probably ran around the garden making aeroplane noises.

But he never specified whether the plane he was impersonating was American or Japanese.

Is that the kind of behaviour you want in a president?

No.

And also, and this is a fact, John, Obama said the word yes on 9-11.

Was that an appropriate response?

McCain has accused Obama of palling around with terrorists.

But if that's true, then Obama has pretty bad taste in terrorists because this particular terrorist won the 1997 award for Citizen of the Year in Chicago.

I just don't think you can win awards like that and maintain the admiration of the terrorism world.

It looks really bad.

You're losing your terrorist integrity.

You're losing your monster chops.

You what?

You heard.

Monster chops.

Is that not some kind of aggressive Victorian facial hair?

Palin fans have also been turning on the media.

She started blaming the questions for some of her recent interviews.

And the crowd started hurling abuse at the assembled press and waving thundersticks at them.

And it's gone so bad that the press now are not only being not allowed to interview Palin, they aren't even allowed to interview her supporters for fear of what the supporters might say.

What a high opinion the GLP have of their own base.

And I have a particularly vested interest in this, Andy, as I'm supposed to be going to a Palin rally next week to film a piece about this.

And it does seem that there's an increasing chance that I won't be making it out alive.

So this may in fact be my final bugle.

If you want to replace John on the bugle, then do email us your CV.

We might not be able to hear from Palin supporters via the US media, but one person we can hear from is Bridget Bardo,

the ex-screen siren, animal rights fan, four-time wife and star of Monina, the girl in the bikini.

Now Bardo has branded Palin a disgrace to women.

Now Bardo, she's aged triple 14, 1616 or 74 in metric years.

And of course she has slipped down the chart of great women over the years due to being convicted five times for inciting racial hatred.

So if you're being accused of being a disgrace to women by a woman who is a disgrace to humanity, then you are probably a disgrace to women.

Frank Keating, a McCain campaign co-chairman, co-chairman, also danced close to racism with some of his comments this week.

In fact, he was pretty much ballroom dancing with bigotry, cheek to cheek, before dipping it and going in for the smacker room.

He described Obama as a guy of the street and referred to his drug use as a young man, saying he should admit that he took cocaine.

Although, awkwardly, he did actually admit this in a book 12 years ago.

But he should probably admit it again.

It is only fair.

Anyone can admit something in print once.

Well, admissions do wear off after nine years as well, officially, legally.

That's a lie, but it could be a fact.

Global economic catastrophe news now, and great news.

Everything's going to be fine.

The British government has bailed out some of the British economy, just like America did the week before.

50 billion quid of public money is going to save the banks.

And John, you might not really approve of the world economy melting down, but I think in many ways it's great news for economics because it's got it on the front pages rather than buried in the middle of a newspaper.

And all the kids at playgrounds around Britain now are going around wanting to be Alistair Darling during break and they do their economics games.

They're growing up dreaming of being fund managers and I think this is great news.

You're right.

Hank Paulson is the new Justin Timberlake.

He's bringing economics back.

If money does indeed make the world go round, then it seems it can also make the world stop going round and freeze in a blind panic.

This week has seen more opposite of good news happen across the global financial markets.

The Dow is continuing to look like a bungee jumper who has forgotten his cord.

And it was said in the past that when the US sneezes, the whole world gets a cold.

Well, what seems to have happened here is that the US has thrown up all over itself and now the rest of the planet is involuntarily projectile vomiting in response.

The G7 group are meeting in the US over the weekend to come up with a plan to prevent the the world from sliding into recession.

Either that or they're sitting behind closed doors whispering, we are fing

into each other's ears.

There is a suggestion that the world takes on Britain's plan to guarantee lending between banks.

A British plan, Andy.

We are saving the world again.

Either saving it or destroying it.

The point is, at least we're making the decisions.

We're back.

This is it.

This could be the return of the British Empire.

It sure feels like it.

Should I go outside and start ordering Americans around?

I think you should try ordering them around at the Sarah Palin rally next week just to see what happens.

Oh boy.

Please don't remind me of that Andy.

Let me just have this day.

Following talks with the economic leaders, Mr.

Bush said, we must ensure the actions of one country do not contradict or undermine the actions of another.

In an interconnected world, no nation will gain by driving down the fortunes of another.

We are in this together.

We will come through it together.

Things must be bad, Andy.

He is starting to sound like a hippie.

He doesn't believe any of those things.

Also, this week, Gordon Brown, who is loving every minute of this economic crisis, he told a joke, and this is believed to be his first career joke, possibly his first lifetime joke.

And not only that, John, but he blew the roof off.

He was giving a speech, and a phone went off, and he said, Is that another bank going under?

And the nation laughed as one.

That would have been a lot funnier had that not been a distinct possibility.

Well, I guess you don't.

There's a time and a place for a joke like that.

And it's not when you're leader of a country and that country is staring into a financial abyss.

Yeah, he was delivering a speech at the Foreign Office and the mobile phone went off and he said, I don't know if another bank has fallen somewhere.

And as you say, John, would he have made a similar joke if he'd been talking in the aftermath of a terrorist attack rather than an economic collapse?

Also in Brittany, former Metropolitan Police Commissioner Ian Blair resigned after being told to resign resign by wacky new Mayor Boris Johnson.

And being told that you're bad at your job by Boris Johnson is a real kick in the plums for anyone.

That's like being told how to wrestle a pig by Mother Teresa.

Johnson thanked Blair for having the courage and dignity to step down.

And bearing in mind that Johnson basically stepped him down, that is a bit like Henry VIII thanking Anne Boleyn for having the decency and grace to stop wearing hats.

Environmental heroism news now, and well done to Starbucks, the alleged coffee merchants, who have saved the environment by agreeing to turn off some taps.

It transpired that Starbucks had a company policy to leave a tap on in every single one of their shops.

Apparently it keeps germs away and stops demons from haunting them.

And the Sun newspaper in Britain claimed that this was wasting 23.4 million litres of water a day, which is enough to supply water to Namibia, which is one of Africa's thirstiest countries.

And it's quite an odd company policy to have, John.

That must have slipped through at the end of a board meeting when everyone wanted to go home.

AOB, yeah, I think we should leave the taps on in every single one of our shops.

Okay, approved.

I've got to get home.

The snooker's about to start it, so Sullivan against Ding could be fantastic.

To run the water all the time, Annie, it's supposed to prevent germs developing in the taps.

And that's a lovely gesture.

And it's going to be great to know that when humanity is dying of thirst, we are at least going to be germ-free.

A spokesperson for Starbucks said that we recognise the opportunity exists to reduce our water usage once this story broke.

It's a bit like communist Russia saying that it saw the death of Stalin as a once-in-a-lifetime chance to cut down on purges.

And now the special Bugle birthday section.

So welcome to the Bugle first first birthday party.

You join John and I here live in respectively London and New York celebrating the Bugle's first birthday.

So think back to what you were doing on the 15th of October 2007.

Maybe you were celebrating the anniversary of Napoleon beginning exile in Sant Helena in 1815.

Oh god.

Or even thinking back to 1582 when little Pope Gregory XIII implemented the Gregorian calendar.

Jumping straight from the 4th of October to the 15th.

Maybe you were even lighting a scantily clad candle to mark 90 years years since the execution of Marta Hari, who mixed exotic dancing and espionage like few people have managed since, apart from the former MI6 boss Sir Morris Oldfield.

And maybe, as you did so, you're wondering if your feelings of barely suppressible lust for a long-dead historical figure were normal in a pre-Hotties from History world.

Or maybe, just maybe, you were listening to the first ever bugle one year ago today.

Here's, just to jog your memories, here is how that first episode of the bugle began.

This is a Times Online podcast.

And here is how that historic first episode ended.

This is a Times Online podcast.

For more podcasts, go to timesonline.co.uk forward slash podcasts.

Great job.

Oh, I can't believe it.

Great dog.

It brings back how things have changed.

We've really moved on, Andy.

It's just lovely to hear that again.

I can't believe your voice was like that back then.

How embarrassing.

The bugle is one year old and Andy, I've made you an audio birthday cake.

But be careful.

Aim it away from your face.

It's filled with audio fireworks, Andy.

Don't they sound beautiful?

I think that one was a Catherine wheel.

You should probably eat the rest of it outside.

Well, thanks very much.

I'm really touched.

I've actually bought you a birthday present.

Oh great, I'll just can I unwrap it now?

Yep.

Oh wow.

Yeah it's a it's an audio coat of arms.

I think you needed a bit of heraldry in your life John so I've made you an audio coat of arms.

Here it is.

Oh, you know me Andy, I love pomp.

Yeah, well, I thought those things just just really kind of encapsulate what you bring to the bugle.

The chainsaw, your ability to cut through stuff.

The catapult, your ability to fire stuff at stuff.

The elephant, really your ability to

remember stuff.

And the golf swing for your ability to slice things into a lake.

Okay, well,

my turn, Andy, unwrap this next one from me.

Okay, thanks.

I know how much you like Buffalo mozzarella.

So I've got you a herd of buffalo, Andy.

Oh, great.

You can make your own.

Right.

Your wife's going to love it.

Well, it's a bit awkward, this, John, because that's just what Tom gave me for the Bugle's first birthday.

Oh.

She's got two herds of buffalo now.

Can you not take one of them back to the savannah?

Okay, Andy, this is your main present.

Open this now.

Thanks.

Hi.

It's Florence Nightingale Andy.

Oh yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, okay, whoa, whoa, Andy, actually, I'm not sure about this.

I'm not sure about this.

I think I'm taking aback.

This was a bad idea.

Oh, Florence.

So, well, that's what we've given each other for the Bugle's first birthday.

And you, loyal bugle listeners, if you want to share in these festivities, then you can give the bugle to a friend for the bugle's birthday.

It's the ideal presence in the modern age with the global economic crisis.

It's free, it doesn't clutter up the house, and if they don't like it, they can either wrap it up again and give it to their granny for Christmas, or they can go f themselves.

There's a huge party later on, John.

A lot of the celebrities who might have listened to the bugle are going to be there.

Tibet fan Dalai Lama.

He could easily be a bugle fan.

Well, he's not going to listen to Metallica, is he?

There's the French tennis star Richard Gasquet, who listens to it to help him keep himself calm during tie breaks.

The Harvard graduate and diamond advertising actress Elizabeth Shue.

Why not?

John C.'s Elizabeth Shu.

She can do what she likes, and that potentially includes listening to the bugle.

And also the LA Angels manager, Mike Shosher.

It's been a long season in basepool, John, with a lot of travelling, and I believe Mike could easily listen to podcasts sometimes on the road.

Well, thank you very much, Buglers, for assisting us in getting to a year.

I suppose you haven't really done much.

I mean, you've listened, so that's, you know, that's good.

And you've emailed...

Actually, your emails have been outstanding.

Yeah, so you haven't shown quite a lot.

Yeah, you're right.

I take it back.

Thank you very much.

The problem is, as a comedian,

I'm just allergic to sincerity, and I find moments like this extremely difficult.

Your emails now, and just time for a couple of emails.

This one is from Sean Clothier.

Clothier,

whatever.

And

he says, dear...

You've been in America too long, John.

Dear John D.

and Oliver, to celebrate the Bugle's first birthday, I suggest you celebrate with the help of an old bugle friend.

Yes, that's right, with a Hugo Chavezagram.

Imagine him twirling, pouting, and thrusting to a pumping soundtrack.

Who knows?

It could be so sexy that in a hundred years the new bugle, a replacement for the current bugle after Andy told a pun so powerful the studio imploded, could vote this special first birthday celebration a hottie from history.

I'm just saying, Sean.

Well, Sean, I've actually got a surprise extra gift for Andy here.

Open the door, Andy.

Be honest, Andy, you love it.

You love it, don't you?

I don't love it.

It's just

a little bit awkward.

Is he getting in your personal space?

Because that was an explicit instruction I gave him.

He's just whispering into my ear about how much he hates America.

You are a donkey, Mr.

Boosh.

And this email comes from David W.

Harrington in Manhattan.

I propose the introduction to replace the audio cryptic crossword of the audio 500-piece jumbo jigsaw puzzle, which would carry the bugle at least into its 10th year of publication, and which would be fun for the whole family to play together on one of those lazy, rainy Sundays when dad is sleeping off a hangover after a night with hookers, and grandma is hallucinating again due to the chemical backup in her colostomy bag.

Well, the Harrington family get-togethers must have been really something.

Little slice of Americana from David there.

David continues, I wavered between a Thomas Kincaid painting of a candle-lit house in the woods or solid blackboards, save for the grey kitten in the middle, but I opted instead for Hieronymus Bosch's Last Judgment for its mortally edifying qualities.

Good choice.

And he suggests for piece one, hyperventilating nun above the head of a giant green catfish, shaped like a six-month-old potato.

Tune in next week for piece two.

David, that is absolutely outstanding.

You can't argue with that, Andy.

No.

So do keep your emails flooding into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Sport now and a massive game for England's football team this week away in Belarus.

A rivalry as old as time itself.

Because we're recording on Sunday as opposed to the usual Friday, we can tell you that England beat Kazakhstan at Wembley yesterday, and they beat them 5-1, John.

What an incredible result for the tiny nation of England.

Kazakhstan is a nation 20 times as big as England geographically, and their team had 60% more syllables in the surnames of their starting 11 than England's team.

Also, Kazakhstan is five hours ahead of England, and also it's a much younger nation, so you'd have thought it would have had more stamina.

Most 17-year-olds would beat a 1,081-year-old, and yet still, England stuffed the bastards 5-1.

What a turn-up for the books.

And this week, John, we're playing away in Belarus.

Now Belarus is of course 40% covered in forest, so let's hope they don't chop down our players.

Brest is one of the biggest cities in Belarus, but let's hope things don't go tits up.

Let's also hope they don't make Minsk meat out of us.

Also, over 99% of Belarusians are literate, but let's hope England manager Fabio Capello doesn't have to read the riot act to his players at half-time.

The National Academic Theatre of in Minsk was voted top ballet company in the world in 1996.

But let's hope the Belarusian football team doesn't lead us a merry dance.

Journalists keep disappearing in Belarus.

Let's hope the England midfield doesn't go missing too at a crucial stage of the game.

Also, Belarus is the only country in Europe to retain the death penalty.

Let's hope the England team don't put us to sleep, or get a massive shock, or lose their heads, or choke, or get burnt at the stake.

Good luck, England.

And I think that's over.

am I done

can I go I think that's I think you should go home

mince commit though I mean come on that was worth it wasn't it

and finally uh just time for the bugle forecast so the bugle one year old how many more years will the bugle live John what's your prediction I reckon it's gonna become powerful and it's gonna

we're gonna franchise it out

but with no financial return

I think the bugle will live for all eternity And also, I checked this morning actually with Almighty Zeus, who sent me a signal when I sacrificed my morning ball.

And according to the way the entrail splattered on my sofa, Zeus reckons there will be at least another 120 years of bugling.

Oh, that's great.

So it's pretty optimistic.

Just up to the contracts department to sort it out.

So thank you for listening.

Do keep your emails coming in.

Thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Visit the webpage, timesonline.co.uk slash the bugle.

And above all,

stay in school and keep off drugs.

Yeah, good point, Andy.

Yeah, it's sad that it's taken you a year to say that.

Even if you've already left school, go back to school.

Whatever age you are, bugle listeners.

Go back to school and stay in it.

The real world is not worth leaving school for.

Thanks for a great year, Buglers.

Here's to the next decade.

Bye.

Bye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.