Sarah Palin- One giant leap backwards for humankind

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 47 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday, the 6th of October, 2008, with me, Andy Zoltzmann, in London and in the beautiful city of St.

Louis John Oliver Hello buglers.

Hello Andy.

I'm in St.

Louis the home Andy the spiritual home of the funniest man in sports

Albert Pooh Holes.

He is going to his grave with that title intact.

That's right.

Funny, funny name.

And from here, Andy, after this,

I have to go to Washington, D.C.

to present a humanitarian award to somebody.

It gets better.

I think I'm standing in for Jon Stewart, which means there is going to be a real sense of anticlimax in that room.

Especially seeing as I have the same first name.

So you'll get intro.

I get this all the time.

Intro, oh, you'll know him from the daily show.

Oh, wow, it's John Oliver.

Oh, that is a letdown.

Also, I guess they might be slightly disappointed because of your quite appalling record of human rights abuses stretching back 30 years.

Now, do you think I'll bring that up or just

skip over it?

It's hard to say.

There's a big elephant in the room and the elephant is dead.

So this is the week beginning Monday the 6th of October, which means that 15 years ago, tomorrow, I met my wife.

It was our first day at university.

Although I didn't break the news that she was going to be my wife immediately, neither of us were quite aware of it at that time.

And also, had I kicked off our acquaintance by saying, hello, I'm Andy, nice to meet you.

I'm doing the same course as you.

I will father your children.

Your womb will bear the seed of my loins, and you will suckle my air at your womanly bosom.

Then, had I kicked off like that, I dare say our relationship might not have worked out quite the way it has.

It also means that it is 30 years to the day since Hitler died in Buenos Aires.

Is that official yet?

As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin this week.

A science section, including gravity, the first 321 years.

Also, if God invented physics, how come they never talk about thermodynamics in the Bible?

And does science have a role in the age of celebrity?

Should it still be taught in schools?

It will still work if it's not taught, so why bother?

And also, in our science knockout competition, is the one we've all been waiting for: quantum mechanics versus molecular biology.

Only one of them can get through to the next round as we search for a single universal branch of science to simplify our understanding of the world and its universe.

Also, in the middle this week, a free audio shopping list.

Cut out and keep downloadable shopping list items.

Parts one and two.

One, Apple, two,

Crumble.

Next week, we'll be moving into the dairy section.

Top story this week and the VP debate.

I was at the VP debate last night, Andy, and you know, it was the most anticipated debate of all.

Now, why would that be, seeing as the VP debate is historically an utterly meaningless charade?

Well, it was largely due to the fact that Fox and other channels described it as a potentially gaff-filled gaffe fest.

That was Fox specifically.

A gaff-filled gaff fest, which led to this atmosphere of people anticipating a mixture of ultimate fighting championship and the Hindenburg.

And did it live up to that, John?

Well, it's hard to say, Andy.

It depends what you judge these things.

I mean, in terms of flag pins, I don't know if you noticed there was absolutely no contest.

It was Palin all the way.

Hers was bigger than Biden's, a lot shinier than Biden's, and quite a lot more flamboyant than Biden's.

If you judge a vice president by their flag pin, and incredibly some people do here, then it was Palin's night, Andy, all the way.

So, I watched the debate, it was about two o'clock in the morning UK time, so I was a little bit sleepy, and I spent most of the debate drifting to sleep, only to be woken by what I assumed was the sound of my wife doing some sawing and drilling upstairs.

Maybe she was making me a surprise bench, but it later turned out that that was just Sarah Palin talking.

And then I would slowly drift off to what I assumed was the soothing sound of a distant washing machine gently rumbling away.

But it later turned out to be Joe Biden talking, and so it continued for the next 90 minutes.

Everyone was expecting an absolute car crash from her, and

they low-balled people so much that this morning on CNN, one of her supporters said, She hit a home run.

Audible comma.

She talked in complete sentences.

Wow, that home run wall has come in a long way, hasn't it?

You can almost touch it.

Well, it's quite cunning tactics by Palin to lower expectations before the debate.

I had a look at that interview with Katie Couric when Palin did look like a malfunctioning robot about to start fizzing.

I think one more tricky question, and she could easily have pulled out a tranquiliser gun, shot Couric in the neck, and then dragged her off to a secret lair.

But I guess what this debate showed is that, I mean, she did pretty well considering that top-level politics is a brand new hobby for her.

And I've also come to understand how she got her nickname of Barracuda, in that she knows very little about major political issues and is particularly shaky on foreign policy.

Just like the Barracuda.

I had a particularly awkward moment in the spin room afterwards, Andy, when Fred Thompson, the ex-presidential candidate and current actor, said those who make fun of Sarah Palin should be absolutely ashamed of themselves if indeed they have the capacity for shame.

And then he and everyone around him turned and looked at me.

Hold on, I do have the capacity for shame.

Certainly it's not large enough to include any of my behaviour surrounding that.

What I was fascinated by, John, is it only took Sarah Palin 15 seconds of her first answer to talk about sport, mentioning a kid's soccer game, saying if you turn to parents on the touchdown a kid's soccer game and ask how they feel about the economy, I betcha, quotes, you're going to hear some fear in that parent's voice.

Well, no, Governor Palin, you're not going to hear fear.

What you're going to hear is annoyance.

You're probably going to hear them say, butt out of it, Governor Palin.

I'm watching my kid playing football.

Knock it long, son.

Knock it long.

What do do you mean, how do I feel about the economy?

Hi, Ref!

Ref!

Are you blind, Ref?

What now?

Yeah, I'm a bit worried about it, but I don't fully understand the issue.

For f sake, Jimmy, kick the f in the air!

Mad or ball!

Either will do!

Ref!

Ref!

Okay, I'll vote for you now, Petal.

Please leave me alone.

Offside!

Ref.

That's that is what Sarah Palin would hear were she to ask someone on the touchstone of a kid's football match about the economy.

She did use an extremely, let's say irritatingly folksy style and using expressions like doggonics and saying saying at one point, oh say it ain't so Joe.

She wasn't just like a folksy candidate, she was more like a folksy child.

In fact, I'll only take folksiness like that from a candidate if they're a candidate from the 1920s.

At one point she said of oil company CEOs, bless their hearts.

What hearts, Andy?

What heart is she referring to?

The ornate rusty cages in their chest cavities that house long dead canaries.

Did she mean those?

I'm nauseated even repeating this.

Joe six-packed some hockey bombs across the country that they needed to say never again to Wall Street Chiefs.

So it's no from Palin to another economic holocaust.

What a lovely reference to bring up.

There's been all this talk about Sarah Palin being a historic candidate, but it seems like the anti-moon landing.

It feels like one small step back for man, a giant leap backwards for mankind.

Also she kept banging on about John McCain being a maverick, which is that necessarily a quality that America seeks in its presidents.

I think perhaps she's been watching too many films, perhaps those cop films where they're mavericks but they get results.

Or perhaps even Tom Cruise in Top Gun as Maverick.

And he really flew on instinct and wasn't really concerned about the mechanical aspect of how the aircraft works, which to me would mark him out as a dodgy president to have, although I would want Kelly Migulus as my first lady.

But he wasn't really what you call bipartisan.

I mean, you think about the atmosphere in that changing room with Iceman.

It was, you know, it was either angry or extremely homoerotic, and possibly both.

both.

That's kind of like George Bush's relationship with Armadina, John.

It's true.

It's true.

They've both got oiled chests.

She also played the I'm Not a Politician card pretty hard and pretty often, almost like she had a whole pack of those cards and not many other cards.

I don't really understand this desire to have someone like you representing you in politics.

That seems to be her appeal.

Because, you know, when I look at politicians, Sean, I want someone who is completely unlike me.

I want someone who is cleverer, better informed, more highly motivated, less prone to be distracted by finding a new sport to watch on television, who doesn't fall asleep on the sofa in the afternoon, who doesn't take Tuesday afternoons off to play football, who knows what he's doing and who doesn't have a congenital inability to take things seriously.

I want someone the polar opposite of me in politics.

I want not to be able to relate to them on any level.

She also quoted Joe Biden at one point when he said that we are raping our oceans.

Presumably she wanted the oceans to pay for their own rape kits.

But let's be fair, Andy, because Biden was not without gaffes himself.

In fact, he hasn't been sans-gaff for decades.

At one point, my favourite moment was he referred to Bosnians as Bosniaks.

Now, I think they'd rather be called Bosniaks.

It sounds a lot more like them.

It's like a mixture between a Bosnian and a maniac.

Is that not actually a proper term?

No.

Are you serious?

It is.

Bosniaks.

A South South people living mainly in Bosnia and Herz governor.

Bosniaks?

Yeah.

I think we've been missing out by calling them Bosnians for so long.

That's it.

Bosnians are dead to me now.

They're all Bosniaks.

I was quite intrigued by Joe Biden.

I've not seen much of him before.

What really caught my eye was at about 45 minutes into the bait, a sudden protestation of love for John McCain.

Yeah.

When he said, John McCain has been dead wrong, I love him.

And then all of a sudden, kind of changed takes, as my mother would say, God love him, but he's been dead wrong.

And it just seems a little too honest, John.

I mean, it seems, you know, he has kind of semi-scripted these things.

You often feel they're not really speaking from the heart, but that just slipped out.

That seemed to me the closest we got to truth.

He nearly pronounced him dead at one point.

I won't.

He started a sentence saying, if John McCain were here right now.

What?

What?

Oh, God, is she running for president?

Oh, God.

Can you just remind me, John, where is Sarah Palin, Governor of?

Alaska, Andy.

No, tell me yourself, John.

You must know.

I mean, come on, there's no need to ask her.

Talk me through how you're feeling about yourself at the moment, Ambi.

It's just the kind of instinctive emotions that are flooding through me.

This warmth emanating from the very core of my comedic being.

Are you sure that's a warmth and not a burning?

Well, to give more detail on the vice presidential candidates, here now we have a Palin and Biden profile fact box.

On the subject of food, Joe Biden is ferocious when hungry.

Last Thursday, on the morning before the first VP debate, Biden was given insufficient grits for breakfast.

Half an hour later, the hotel manager was clinging to a window ledge, begging for mercy whilst being battered with the stillwarm corpse of his pet dog Renzo.

Palin, by contrast, may portray herself as a pit bull with lipstick, but in reality, she lives on a diet of plankton, tomato ketchup, and tinned maggots that she eats and then regurgitates for her waiting children, plank, chug, carburetor, honk, valve, barrow in furnace, differential calculus, stopcock, flange, and flap.

God, she's just like us.

Music.

Sarah Palin knows all the words to Captain Beefheart's seminal but largely unlistenable 1969 album Trout Mask Replica.

In fact, when she was mayor of Wasilla, she made the album a compulsory part of the school curriculum and tried to make the song Orange Clawhammer the new Alaskan national anthem.

Joe Biden, by contrast, once sang backing vocals for Debbie Gibson when her regular singer, Senator Bob Dole, got a sore throat from overpracticing Shake Your Love.

Joe Biden wears tiger print pajamas to make himself feel more aggressive and powerful when he wakes up in the morning.

The first thing he says says every day is, RAW!

And finally, Sarah Palin has had sex with a man.

If it's not true, sue us, lady.

Is that the kind of woman you want conducting high-level negotiations with male heads of state like Ahmadinejad, Chavez, Mugabe, Sarkozy, and Kevin Rudd of Australia?

Is it America?

Those are the facts.

Other news now, and the bailouts of the ailing US economy.

John, they still seem to be umming and ahing over whether to pass this bailout.

President Bush attempting to pass off the last dregs of his credibility as an almost drinkable shiraz.

Do you think with this bailout, Bush is hitting the nail on the head or hitting the nail with his head before clutching his face and complaining, ow, that mail was quite a lot pointier than it looked?

It's been interesting because Paulson, they clearly tried to get it through the first time by panicking.

Everyone's saying, if you do not pass this straight away, the world is going to explode and then

it didn't get passed and then they had that slightly awkward reverse of yeah well you know yeah it didn't i mean it's going to explode eventually

but you know you still should have passed it could have exploded you're lucky it's no thanks to you the world didn't explode

you do get the feeling bush isn't at his most comfortable on the subject of large-scale economic problems.

He's not really at his fluent best talking about the subject.

I mean, maybe that's a bit harsh.

Maybe there is an economic genius trapped inside a buffoon's vocabulary.

But it's not so much that he's out of his depth, which would suggest that he has a depth, as like a basking shark trying to swim across a hill.

I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for him, John.

I mean, never has one man looked so ready to embrace the warming armchair of retirement.

It's going to be a rocking chair, I think, Anna.

He just cannot wait to look at the brush of Texas and figure out how he's going to clear it.

That's his sole retirement plan.

So we are still waiting for the final score in the capitalism versus communism debate that has re-reared its head in recent weeks.

I have to say though, Dr.

John, I've long had a suspicion that the entire financial stability of the world has for a long time been based on a curious salad of hypothetical bits of paper, made-up words, things that don't exist, guesswork and the fragile confidence of fiscal tricksters.

In essence, the whole unappetising package of world economics is an intermittently lucrative modern-day form of witchcraft, only with more cackling, limousines instead of broomsticks, and the tacit approval of the church.

I think it's proven how little anyone knows about economics, because usually you just ignore it because it's incomprehensible and extremely boring.

And then I think I've probably read more about economics over the last two weeks than I ever have.

And if anything, I understand it less.

And I don't see how that's true.

I still have no idea what a fund manager does when he gets to his desk in the morning.

If anyone's got any clues, even if you're a fund manager, do you actually know what you're doing?

If any buglers are fund managers, please write in in one paragraph what it is you do.

And we we will return that email by explaining what we do.

And that's not going to be easy either.

British politics news now.

And David Cameron has really hit the skids politically.

Last year, he gave a speech at his party conference with no notes, no prompts, just walking around the stage talking as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

This year, he needed a lectern and words written down.

John, the man, is clearly losing it.

He's described himself as a man with a plan, which is quite catchy, I guess.

Plan rhymes with man, and therefore it sounds pretty damn cool.

He could have easily got it wrong.

George Osborne earlier described himself as a man with a flan, and that's just not a vote winner these days.

Well, not unless you then produce that flan, then showing that you've delivered on your promises.

I mean, that would be what a huge moment that would be.

That could have been good, but we all know that Osborne in the kitchen is frankly a lost cause.

I think maybe there were some further rhymes that didn't make it into Cameron's final speech.

She could easily have gone with, I went to Eton, I won't be beaten.

I'm a Tory with a story.

Get your coats, I'll win your vote.

I'm a leader and a qualified pig breeder.

We want rhyming politicians, John.

That's all I'm saying.

I think the sad thing is that might actually be true.

It's now not the time for a revolution then.

Not even out of anger, just out of sheer boredom.

No one cares about.

It's been interesting.

I've been asking at gigs in Britain, you know, whether people are happy with the British political system, whether they're excited by America.

And British people are far more excited about the American election than they are about the British election, which I think is a bit of an indictment, both on Britain and America.

No, it's the way it's not America's problem, Andy.

You know, just because they know how to put on a show.

They've just got more balloons than us.

They've got too many balloons.

It's not their fault if Britain admires the Razamataz.

But the Tories are still doing pretty well.

Gordon Brown's caught up a little bit.

Although today, some slightly surprising news.

He's brought Peter Mandelson back into the government.

No, what?

You are kidding.

He's going to join the House of Lords and apparently work as business secretary.

So just when I thought that Gordon Brown had turned a bit of a corner and was basking in a relatively manageable level of unpopularity, he is recalled one of the most unpopular politicians in British history.

Just to explain to American listeners what hiring this man Peter Mandelson is like, it's like holding up a fork and saying, look at my fork, it's pointy.

And then slamming that fork into your forehead and then looking out and saying, ta-da!

Bugle feature section now, heroes or idiots.

The world has had its gloom lifted by a number of quite idiotic, heroic acts in recent weeks, and we will mark them in the Bugle this week.

Because it's quite a good week for giving away prizes to people who've done extraordinary things.

The Nobel Peace Prize has been given out later on this week, despite the Chinese warning the Nobel panel not to give it to a jailed dissident, which really is quite a strong recommendation that they should probably give it to him.

Does that also knock them off the nominee list?

I guess it's kind of like, you know, a box of trash talking to his opponent before a fight.

You know, just trying to knock the dissident's confidence.

One of the great heroes of recent weeks, John, has been Eve Rossi, Rocket Man.

Absolutely.

Who flew across the channel on rocket-powered wings.

It's one of mankind's oldest dreams, John, wondering what it'd be like to be a bird flying, gliding, swooping, and flapping through the sky.

Well, Eve Rossi now knows what it would be like to be a rocket-powered bird.

That's right, he wore a wing with four motors across the back of it in his attempt to become the first human jet to fly the channel.

The man is a hero, Andy.

Mankind has long been obsessed with the rocket boot.

He's merely bypassed the rocket boot and moved straight to the rocket wing.

And Mr.

Rod, this is my absolutely favourite part of the story, Andyan, and why I really do think he's a hero.

Mr.

Ross, he apparently calls himself Fusion Man.

As he should.

He's not just a hero, he's a superhero.

I hope he flew across with his pants outside his trousers.

He's a visionary, John.

And mark my words, in three years' time, everyone in the world will be flying around on their own rocket-powered wings.

And also, he's the greatest Frenchman since Monsieur Monge II.

Do you remember him?

He was the guy that could eat literally everything, including at one point an entire Chesner 550 plane.

The man ate a plane, Andy.

Don't tell me about your new film, Orlando Bloom.

That man just ate a plane.

He did eat a plane after misreading some government advice to have five pieces of fruit and vegetable every day.

He thought it meant eat a plane.

Slightly less impressive than Eve Rossi, but heroic nonetheless, was Stéphane Rousson, who attempted to become the first man to cross the channel on a pedal-propelled airship.

Now, the fact that he he did this after a man had just flown across the channel on rocket wings.

It's unbelievable that he still did it.

He still did it.

Unfortunately, the wind changed direction and you have to call it half halfway across.

Yeah, because he hasn't got rocket wings.

It does.

He should have looked at the news and thought, oh yeah, I could do with a pair of those rocket wings rather than whatever it is I'm trying to pedal.

I'm an idiot.

In many ways, he's even more heroic for that, John.

And it's good to see that someone is trying to still iron out the flaws in the airship highlighted by the Hindenburg disaster.

And mark my words, in three years' time, no one will be traveling around in personal pedal-powered airships.

No one, not even him.

Future cross-channel efforts include Christopher Rob Shaw, who is trying to become the first man to cross the channel on a Lilo whilst singing Nancy Sinatra songs, Thomas Guest, who is attempting to become the first man to cross the channel on the back of a Labrador, and also Hugo Monnier, who is attempting to become the first man to tightrope walk the channel whilst drinking Drambuille.

Now, John, next hero or idiot, David Blaine.

Are you watching?

Should we make the call now?

Should we make the call now or would you want to hear some evidence for you?

Well I've heard you talk about Blaine's work before so I'm guessing I know which way you're going to go.

I do not care for irritating Houdini Andy.

He was hanging upside down like a dull bat in Central Park.

Did you go and see him?

No, I didn't.

Even though he's really close to work, I'd seen him before.

In fact, when I first came over to the show, he was doing his stupid thing in the glass bowls, like the fish, like he was underwater for a long time.

I did walk past that, and I resented seeing him then, so I actively avoided him this time.

But what I was most impressed by was the fact that he was hanging upside down for three days excluding the parts of those three days that he was not hanging upside down.

Exactly.

And I thought that really made him appear more in touch with everyday reality because magicians can seem so out of touch with reality, even contemptuous of it, as if they can control it and make it appear other than it really is.

And she makes you think with Blaine, he's human after all.

You know, if you hang him upside down, does he not get a bit of a headache?

It's just like us, John.

He's just like you and me.

What's amazing, though, is that there's a very good reason for him not hanging upside down for three days because he would die.

He would die.

Doctors said, well, that will happen.

It's not a chance of happening.

You will die.

And it's amazing people's response to that.

I've gone, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, get back down.

If you're going to do this, at least die doing it.

A spectacular lack of human compassion.

Yeah, well, this is rubbish then.

If he's just not going to die.

Blaine's next trick is rumored to be spending a few months out of the the limelight, fed only by food and funded only by residual earnings from his previous books, DVDs, and TV appearances, and advances for his next project.

The real tragedy, Anne, is they actually had to do an extra 15 minutes because they cut to the congressional hearings about the bailout at that time, and so they even cut in and said the David Blaine broadcast will be pushed backwards.

Wow, this is serious.

If they're keeping Blaine hanging around, that really is bad.

Another hero, the world's former heaviest man, is to marry his girlfriend after losing almost half of his original body weight.

He's lost 39 stone, John, out of the 88 that he had

in his lost book

to start with.

And he's getting married, and what a hero, man.

He has lost the 38 stone.

39 stone he's lost.

That is the equivalent of three Andy's Altmans or eight John Olivers for Bursters.

Hey,

hey, I live in America now, Andy.

That's no longer true.

You wouldn't get past immigration being nothing.

What are you up to?

But 88 stone, John, that is too much in anyone's book.

You know, you weigh too much if a darts referee could say you'll weight in stones without making it sound like you've screwed up.

So, really, anything above 60, anything above 60 stone is too much.

To still be a big man, having lost 39 stones shows

well, he's aiming to lose a total of around 70 to get down to below 20 stone.

Oh, my God.

And I think he could basically feed Ethiopia.

Is he not quite flappy?

Isn't he very flappy?

I can't see any way in which he isn't flappy.

Does that concern you?

I think it does.

I've already thought about it.

Now I can't stop thinking about it.

It's going to make fitting his wedding suit quite difficult, isn't it?

But he might be like one of those, you know, those flying squirrels that have those kind of wings that come out between their arms and their legs.

He might be able to just jump off a tree and just float down because of his flaps.

We don't need rocket wings.

We just need to go to 88 stone and then die it hard.

Then die it hard and get some fat flaps and then you can just sail across the channel.

So if you have any more idiot heroes, please send them into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

And mark your emails, hero or idiot.

Spoiler alert!

A quick apology now.

In last week's bugle, we may have inadvertently given away the ending to the chariot race in the classic 1959 Charlton Heston film Ben Hur, also starring Frank Thring as Pontius Pilot, and with music by Mick Bush Rosia.

If you play last week's edition Underwater, you can clearly hear John saying in the background, yeah, Ben Hurr sneaked it, bit of a turn-up, I smelled something dodgy, wouldn't be surprised if there were some wonky betting pans on that one.

So sorry to all our listeners if we've spoiled the film for you.

And in case you're wondering what happened to the Romans after the end of the film, well, they kept on keeping on with the whole Empire stick with diminishing returns for almost 400 years.

Still, fun while it lasted.

Your emails now.

This email comes from Magdalene L from Glen Burney in Maryland, who writes, on the subject of nudity in the modern podcast.

Dear sirs, upon John's performance in two bugles in the nude, possibly three, he did not state whether or or not he had anything on during the DNC episode, only that he was in bed.

Well, I think we could all guess.

She continues, We, brackets, and I speak on behalf of other fans, most of which urge me to compose this email, brackets, must insist Andy do at least one naked as well.

We feel it's only fair and a curious as to what Andy sounds like naked.

Sincerely yours, Magdalene L.

Well, I will do the rest of this podcast.

Don't do it.

Naked.

The clothes are coming off.

Right, I am now in the nude.

I'll just get myself comfortable.

Ah, that's better.

What were you wearing?

I decided to dress up for the bugle, John.

I think one of us has to make an effort.

There's another email here from Lola from Las Vegas who says, Dear John and Andy, I was listening to the bugle while driving home from work.

Dangerous idea, I know.

And when John, I don't know if that's listening to to the bugle, it's just driving home from work, there are a lot of car crashes.

And when John said that Peter wrote Ben and Jerry's about switching to human breast milk, I slammed on my brakes.

I literally had to stop the car and think about what I heard for a few moments.

After debating whether this called for being sick or not, I realized that I needed to thank God and perhaps start believing in him again because it was not Ben and Jerry's that I'd had during my break, it was in fact Hagen Dars.

But I also realized that if Peter continues on his path of trying to make everyone eat and drink breast milk, we will need to start some sort of anti-breast milk uprising and take Peter out of business.

Only babies and apparently Andy really drink it anyway.

It's good for the complexion.

Thanks for your continuing nominations for Hotties from History, which we'll be rounding up next week.

Nominations this week include the very sensual and very dead Empress Theodora of the Byzantine Empire, nominated by Neil Ludd.

Adam and Eve, nominated by Matt Flick.

That is an email which features almost non-stop pornography and ends with, yours in Christ, Matt Flick.

I can only presume that was a joke and Marianne Charlotte Decordet d'Armont the French revolutionary beheading victim we'll do a full roundup next week to keep your hotties coming into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk oh yeah

Sport this week.

There is no sport at all this week because it's been completely overshadowed by the appointment of Joe Kinnear as temporary manager of Newcastle United and he has overshadowed his own appointment with a spectacular tirade of foul mouthery, which you can access on the Times website.

And for fans of swearing and fans of life, it really is something worth checking out.

What did he say?

I'll just read you a little excerpt from the start.

Joe Kinnear says, which one is Simon Bird?

He's a football writer for the Daily Mirror.

Bird replies, me, Kinnear.

You're a

what?

Which one is Hickman?

You're out of order.

Absolutely out of order.

If you do it again, I'm telling you, you can f off and go to another ground.

I will not come and stand for that fing crap.

No f way.

F.

You're saying I turned up and they fed off.

Well, the first thing I do, Andy, I'm going to leave here and try and find a transcript of that.

That just goes to show Newcastle were right.

If you can't do anything else, at least entertain people.

Hero.

Great hero, bring swearing back into football where it belongs.

Keep it off the streets.

Get it into into football press conferences.

We have a replacement for the audio-cryptic crosswords this week, the much lamented audio cryptic crossword this week, Bridge.

And I'm afraid you've got an awful hand.

The Queen and Jack of Clubs and Buggerole Else.

Recommended bid?

No bid.

Next week, your partner's bid 1-0 Trump, but you've got nothing to back it up with, and you can't quite remember how the bidding works.

You quite fancy one of the players on the other team, but will Mary and Derek sort out their differences in time for the county trials?

And with Julia no longer speaking to Vanessa after she bred three hearts when two hearts would have been the prudent bid, where does this leave Jasper, whose confidence took a tumble when he dropped his cards on the floor after Miriam winked at him while he was trying to play the Four of Diamonds?

And with an economic crash looming over the world, not to mention the prospect of the eventual death of our once great species, is now the time for Pauline to see what Baxter thinks of her novelty playing cards.

And will Roger ever be forgiven for saying the word testicle during Ethel and Felix's tumultuous match with the incredible Sacramento brothers?

Tune in next week for more Contract Bridge.

I've had too much time on my hands this week.

And finally, the bugle forecasts.

And my forecast is that next week, the Bugle will be one year old.

Oh, wow.

What a great day for the history of audio newspapers for a visual world.

For the world, Andy.

History of the world.

Probably one of the great days in the history of the world of Bugle's first birthday.

Be the same mate that Jimi Hendrix was when he was one.

Jesus was also one once, but so too was Jack the Ripper, we think, although we still don't know who the one could be wrong.

But read into that what you will.

So next week we will be looking back on the history of the world's greatest ever audio newspaper for a visual world.

And also, we'll be giving each other audio birthday presents to commemorate this momentous event.

And if you've got any suggested birthday presents for the bugle, do email your suggestions or presents to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Or if you have any financial donations to show how much you appreciate the bugle, make your checks payable to Mr.

A.

Saltzman.

That's Z-A-L-T-Z-M-A-N.

That's it for this week.

Happy Yom Kippur, John.

And we'll.

Shalom, Andy.

Shalom.

We'll speak to you again next week.

Rosh Hashanah, Andy.

Not Yom Kippur.

It's Yom Kippur.

It's Yomki Pur.

Rosh Hashanah.

No, it's definitely Yom Kippur.

It's Rosh Hashanah.

I checked it on Wikipedia.

That's how good a Jew I am.

Terrible Jew.

Every day's Yom Kippur to me.

I know more about Judaism than you do.

Yo, you've been living in New York.

You've been eating commishes more than I have.

It just seeps in through the Kanish.

Bye-bye!

Bye!

Hi, Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.