McCain, Andy and John plumb new depths with their Obama attack ad

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 39 of the Bugle for the week beginning August the 3rd, 1908.

1908.

Not too bad.

1908!

Wow.

Well, that's near enough, isn't it?

Are you just lopping a century off?

It's just wishful thinking.

I just think it was a happier world.

It was about to get a lot unhappier, though.

Well, yeah, I'm just saying, look,

let's pretend it's 1908 and not make the same mistakes again.

So I'm Andy Zoltzman, and I'm here in Edinburgh, which for comedians for the duration of August is London.

It's Mecca.

It's Mecca only more so.

And certainly my show, without the crushing crowds.

There's no stampede to see Andy's ultimate.

And in New York City, it's John Oliver.

Hello, hello, world.

How is Edinburgh?

Okey.

Ockey, Ocke.

I'd even go so far as to say Le New.

Andy and I are doing this bugle on Sunday because of his Edinburgh commitments.

And it is strange doing this bugle on a Sunday.

It's like going to church.

Only instead of aiming to get it to heaven,

we're really going to hell instead.

I had to do a wedding greeting, Andy, this week for an Israeli wedding.

Apparently it's an Israeli tradition to have strap-in, a celebrity, kind of give a greeting.

I can only imagine how devastated the bride and groom are going to be as it's explained to them at length who I am, why I qualify for this position, and why I've just ruined their greatest day.

Hello, shalom.

Muscle tough to the bride and groom.

Is it not supposed to be a Jewish celebrity?

Well, just any celebrity?

Yeah.

You qualify as a celebrity celebrity who looks Jewish.

I think that's it.

I think I've skateboard on that.

As always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin this week, a section on home lighting, how to make a dark room seem lighter, the wonder of switches, and also a feature on candles and kalashnikovs.

We'll tell you how to set the tone for a romantic dinner with an Uzbek guerrilla fighter.

And also, we all know that moths are attracted to lights, John.

We all know that, and I'm not judging them for it.

But we're going to show our listeners this week how to capture four moths, trap them in a Perspex tank, chuck in a a ping pong ball, and then using a standard string of household Christmas lights to manoeuvre them around, get them to re-enact the classic 1992 Wimbledon Men's Doubles final between MacEnro and Stick and Grab and Reneburg, which, of course, McEnroe and Stick won 1917 in the fifth.

The wonder of lights.

Top story this week: Attack!

The United States of America, the most indebted and therefore greatest country in the world, is currently in the process of choosing who it wants to be signatory to that debt.

And when they've chosen that person, they may as well be president as well while they're at it.

Really what they're looking for is a guarantor for the $9 trillion debt.

That's the most important thing.

The presidency is like the free travel bag or carriage clock, which is there as an incentive.

And the important thing to remember is that neither side officially has a candidate yet.

Until the conventions, which are still a couple of weeks away, Obama and McCain are merely the presumptive nominees.

So the campaign is still very much in its infancy, which would explain why the last week or so has been so childish.

As yet, neither side has called the other a poopy head, but I'm worried that it's coming, Andy.

Girl, that'll be like 1988 all over again.

Dukakis never recovered from that.

It will get more and more infantile, John.

It always does.

I mean, who not for four years before that, 1984, when Ronald Reagan, in an apparent gesture of conciliation, gave Walter Mondale a hug.

Without Mondale realising that in doing so, Reagan had taped a piece of paper to the back of his jacket saying, vote for loser.

And you know, voters, that kind of thing can really affect the way they see people.

You don't want to vote for a loser.

You don't want to do that.

That's right.

McCain's campaign has been attacking Obama left, right, and centre for what they perceive as arrogance.

And let's be fair, Andy, they perceive that correctly.

They're onto something with that because Obama is running for president, which is about as arrogant as it gets.

The only problem for the McCain campaign is, so is he.

And that was his key mistake.

It's a boomerang insult.

McCain is also running for president making it was him exactly equal in the massively arrogant stakes history really hasn't thrown up many shy presidential candidates very few world leaders in the past have suffered from low self-esteem um apart from i think alexander the great apparently clammed up around people and talked in his shoes he thought he was a terrible leader that's why everyone called him alexander the great they were just trying to give him a bit of a morale boost well yeah also he was different once he got out on the battlefield so that's that's really where he was most comfortable it was like lindsey davenport on a tennis court obama does have a certain swagger about him.

There's no doubt that him planning to give his speech accepting the nomination at Mile High Stadium, the 76,000-seater home of the Denver Broncos, is a bit flashy.

It's a bit flashy, aren't they?

That is not necessary.

21,000 at the convention centre would have been just fine.

I think the Denver Broncos are actually going to be playing a game during it as well.

That would be the interesting thing.

Members of the crowd getting spear tackled.

There are rumours of the contents of his speech.

Apparently he's going to ride onto the stage on a horse that's been spray-painted gold and will leave afterwards by rocket pack.

And there's also claims that he plans to refer to people in the speech as puny humans.

It does seem arrogant, doesn't it?

But people want firm leadership in this day and age, John.

We live in an uncertain world and we want someone who's going to treat us like a despotic alien.

And I think he can tap into that.

I'm hoping that during this speech at the stadium, John, he will snake out a 14-foot-long tongue and just eat someone out of the crowd.

I think that's just something that establishes control over the American people.

Send a message.

Send a message to the American people.

Go, right, next time it could be you.

That's a powerful image.

Yeah, very powerful.

Not quite as powerful, though, as aligning Barack Obama with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton as the McCain campaign did in one of their attack ads.

People say this was a bit childish and not really fair, and I guess Spears has relatively little government experience, so there's a kind of similarity.

Also, she's yet to provide hard financial figures to back up her songs.

Been a very divisive political figure, Britney Spears.

To be fair, the not-so-subtle subtext of her 2007 album Blackouts was a series of energy-saving but controversial environmental measures, including a title track which called for a blackout in Canada during the winter months.

And if you listen carefully, you can hear the backing singers singing, they might as well hibernate.

There's a lot of similarities between Obama and Paris Hilton as well.

One, they've never won a major golf title.

Two, they're both taller standing up than sitting down.

Three, they both saw Charles in charge on television and liked it, but can't remember the name of the guy who played Charles.

Four, they both disapprove of genocide, so that's good.

Five, they're both scared of pterodactyls, and six, they've both dreamt about how funny it would be to turn up to a party with a rhinoceros's head on, but then never refer to it and see what happens.

This week saw a series of attack ads from the McCain campaign mocking Obama's popularity.

The one with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton was titled Celeb, and another one recently has compared him to Moses.

And McCain said it's important to display a sense of humour, which is true, but it's even more important to show a good one.

one.

He said that he's proud of these adverts and his 96 year old mom very helpfully responded by saying the adverts were stupid.

He's tried everything to make himself appear younger than he is and his mom really has become the secret weapon, not only because she's still alive, which I think was their initial tactic, but because whenever she stands next to him and says things like that, which is surprisingly often for the controlled campaign that it is, he does look like a naughty child.

Oh, mom.

McCain has been complaining that he isn't getting any attention from the media and unfortunately now he's not even getting any attention from his own political ads that he is paying for.

In fact the last eight of his ten ads have barely featured him at all.

He can't even get into his own commercials and when he does he's just weird.

One of his recent slogans was an American president for America.

And setting aside the slightly worrying undertone to that, also

that that isn't a proposal, that's just the Constitution.

You have to be American.

It's It's the one thing holding me back from taking my rightful seat in the White House.

I'll never be president, Andy.

It kills me to say that.

And even well, I'll never be Queen either.

And don't try to placate me by saying that I could be King.

I don't want to be King.

I want to be Queen.

But we're not so familiar with Attack Ads in Britain, John.

I thought I was watching an attack ad against Gordon Brown the other day, but it turned out it was just the news.

But I think maybe it's time for us to try and launch the attack ads to a British audience.

So I've actually written an attack ad about you, John.

Oh, yeah, give me your best shot.

Alright, well

here it is.

John Oliver is the real Richard Nixon, but more so.

He's a man who comes from the same continent as Spanish dictator Franco.

He's a man who may never have shoved an old woman into the path of a train, but he has certainly never stopped an old woman being shoved in front of a train.

He's a man who shamelessly urinates at least three times a week and revels in eating the flesh of dead animals, sometimes in sandwiches, and this is the worst part, sometimes not.

This is the man in whose lifetime more than one billion people have died.

John Oliver has never publicly expressed his opinion to the compulsory execution of all women who frown in public, and who, despite having had ample opportunity over the years, has never ruled out releasing nerve gas during the Super Bowl.

And even worse, John Oliver was once a member of the British National Youth Theatre.

Is this the kind of man you want presenting the bugle?

You might as well get Paul Pott to record a podcast about hedge trimming.

Take that, John.

Oh, really?

Take that.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I mean, I just wish that I'd prepared an attack ad in response of my own, Andy.

Hit it.

Andy Zaltzman.

Andy Zaltzman, if that is his real name, chooses to live in London, England, the very place where just 160 short years ago, the Communist Manifesto was written.

Coincidence?

Impossible.

When he isn't plotting the destruction of the bourgeoisie, he's lasciviously fantasizing about Florence Nightingale.

Family man, Mr.

Zaltzman?

Or Crimean warfare fetishist?

Plus, can you really trust a man who so irresponsibly lost his own bin?

Andy Zaltzman.

Careless with bins, careless with our lives.

I'm John Oliver and I approve this message.

Well, we're both looking in trouble here.

Next week's bugle could feature neither of us.

Gordon Brown news now, and Gordon Brown is under increasing pressure.

John, I don't know if this has been big news in the States.

But Foreign Secretary David Miliband was viewed by the press to be manoeuvring himself for a leadership bid.

Basically our political press are so irredeemably puerile here as well John that all cabinet ministers are now considered to be plotting against the Prime Minister if they so much as complete a single sentence without saying what a fantastic job Gordon Brown is doing or without inferring that they fancy Brown and would like to kiss him on his peachy cheeks.

Brown to me John, although he is struggling, he does slightly resemble a golfer who continues looking for a lost ball that he's shanked off the course.

Even after everyone else has gone home, the golf course has been sold off to developers and turned into an oil refinery, and Armageddon has come and destroyed the entire human race.

And he's still there.

It can't be that far off the course.

It felt fine off the club.

The Conservatives are sitting increasingly pretty on top of the polls by basically doing nothing.

All you have to do, really, as an opposition politician in Britain now, is say, oh no, it isn't, every couple of days.

And then avoid PR gaffes like getting a swastika tattoo above the collar line of your shirts, getting your wang out in front of the Queen, or calling for a jihad.

And if you don't do those three things, you're pretty much okay.

Because that collar line is so important.

Yeah, it is very important.

Doesn't below, you can get away with it.

And in other leadership news, Ehud Olmertz, the Israeli leader, is to step down a man who has had more scandals than a dyslexic shoe shop owner.

Touch me, I'm real.

Queen Victoria's Knickers news now and an old pair of Queen Victoria's Knickers, or pants as we call them in Britain, has been sold at auction for £4,500.

which sounds quite a lot for a pair of pants John but to be fair there was quite a lot of pant she had

in layman's terms a big bot the great queen had a 50 inch waist and a 65 inch chest which arguably makes her a bad role model for a country that has a tendency towards obesity but you know we forgive her due to her other virtues as a queen she also had another pair of lucky pants that she actually wore whenever the British Army were having a big battle thus starting a royal tradition whereby every year on the first week of August the monarch gives a tent made out of his or her undies to a local scout group, who are then allowed to camp out in the royal drawers in the grounds of Windsor Castle.

This did of course lead to problems in the reign of Edward VIII, the notorious deviant sex enthusiast, who made a tent out of leather thongs and a metal jock strap that conducted lightning and led to the electrocution of six cub scouts.

But Andy, this is the sale of Queen Victoria's underwear.

But this is unquestionably the lead story of the week.

Why on earth are we burying it so far down the bugle order?

What are you frightened of, Zoltzman?

This is a huge story that deserves to be heard.

The underpants got sold for £4,500 and all I can say is I'm sorry Andy.

I went up to £4,300 but then I had to pull out.

There is no single object in the world I wanted to buy you more.

I've already got one of Queen Victoria's bras, John.

Keep my car under it.

It's not the same.

It would have been an amazing scene just to present

wrapped presents to you.

Have you opened it and go, what are these?

Those are Queen Victoria's knickers.

Nail them to the wall.

You are welcome.

It's something I could do with, really, because I have had quite a lot of complaints from my neighbours in London about the giant nude Queen Victoria that I have outside our house.

They say, please put some pants on.

She's showing too much.

Auctioneer Charles Hanson said these pants, considering their provenance and pedigree, are very exciting.

Well, Charles, you're fing right they're exciting.

They're the most fing exciting pants that have ever been fing sold.

They should be our new flag.

Well I'm not sure there's a flagpole big enough in the country to take them John.

Proof of Queen Victoria's gigantic posterior comes from poet laureate Alfred Lord Tennyson or as I've always thought of him the grandfather of England cricket captain Lionel Tennyson.

Let's put each man on his rightful pedestal John.

But anyway here is a recording made on wax cylinders of Tennyson reading his last ever poem a tribute to Queen Victoria.

This was recorded the day before his death in 1892.

I am Alfred Lord Tennyson, poet laureate and inventor of the breakfast buffet.

Here is my new poem.

I like big butts, and I cannot, nay, will not lie.

All you other of my brothers cannot deny that when Queen Victoria walks in with that it'som bitsom waist and a round thing verily in your face, you get sprung.

Wasn't too direct, was it?

Well, wait till you hear the rest of it.

Bugle feature section now, and the Olympics is nearly upon us.

Get ready to see the finest athlete in the world running, jumping, throwing things, and then urinating into cups.

Because let's not forget, Andy, that this is also a great time for fans of urinating into cups.

As it looks like the Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt could be the star of the games.

What a name for a sprinter to have, John.

Oh, it's great.

It's great.

Bolt.

So to me, that is the most appropriate name for a sprinter since the the Yugoslavian 100-meter gold medalist from 1952, Zvonimir Vostasvuk.

What a runner he was.

Well, in a great, a superbly appropriate name.

There were real criticisms over the internet restrictions that journalists are being placed under in Beijing, and you would be in real trouble over there at the moment, Andy.

You would have no facts, no facts.

You'd be swimming in an ocean of guesswork.

Oh, God, I still get flashbacks of that.

Those days before Wikipedia.

Also, the greatest piece of putting an athlete under pressure I've ever witnessed was issued by the State General Administration of Sports in China, who told their top athlete, this 110-metre hurdle runner Liu, that if he cannot win another gold medal in Beijing, and I quote, all of his previous achievements will become meaningless.

And I don't think they just meant sport.

I think they're basically just going to erase his entire life.

So he's going to want to win that race.

I will certainly be watching the 110-metre hurdle for the first time since Colin Jackson said goodbye.

There's a lot to look forward to in the Olympics, John.

Some amazing pioneering developments that are expected to feature during the Beijing Games.

The javelin can be much more exciting than usual because it's being done rather than everyone throwing in a competition, it's being done on a one-on-one knockout basis now, where the javelin throwers will stand at opposite ends of the stadium and just hurl javelins at each other until one of them gets skewered.

And the winner is the last javelin thrower standing.

Well, let's face it, you know, once you've seen one spear fly through the sky and land about 80 meters away, you've seen them all.

But you'll never tire of seeing giant men being skewered by javelins.

It's true.

Other developments expected to feature during the Olympics are a new high-tech swimming costume with an outboard motor.

Since starting to use it in February, the Dutch Olympic swimmer Peter van der Hugenband has broken 35 world records in both men's and women's events before he crashed into a fishing boat at 120 miles an hour last week while swimming across the North Sea and hurt his head.

Also a new event in the Olympics, the 4x systematic repression of political dissent relay.

Chinese very much favourites for that.

Also, a new medal will feature John.

It's been recently discovered by scientists.

It's halfway between bronze and silver and is awarded to athletes who try really hard.

And we have a special Bugle Olympics quiz question now.

And if you get this question right, you win a special Olympics prize, which is the former American gymnast Mary Lou Retton.

And the question is this.

Many have complained that the Olympic Games have become too big.

The first modern Olympics in Athens in 1896 featured 241 participants from 14 countries competing in a total of 42 events.

112 years later in Beijing, there will be approximately 11,000 competitors from 203 nations competing in 301 events.

If the Olympics keeps expanding at the same rate and Beijing hosts the games again in another 112 years, in 2120, how many competitors from how many nations will be competing in how many events?

Is it A, only 19 competitors, but from 2 million different nations competing in half a billion different sports?

Will it be B, exactly 10 billion competitors, but from only one nation, all throwing dogs into a lake?

Will it be C, 502,000 competitors from almost 3,000 nations competing in 2,200 different sports including speed surgery and Des Leinem's unicycle mayhem or D none.

The Olympics will cease after London 2012 for two reasons.

One, new London Mayor Boris Johnson and two, Armageddon.

A, B, C or D?

And the correct answer is

C.

John, there will be 502,000 competitors at the 2120 Olympics.

So we do hope those who got it right enjoy the use of Mary Lou Retton.

She's not quite as supple and flexible as she was in 1984, but tremendous cook makes a lovely quiche, not too eggy.

And to mark the Olympics, as the Olympics goes on for the next two weeks, we will have an Olympics prize quiz every week.

No, stop screaming.

It's going to happen, whether you like it or not.

Your emails now.

And here is a hottie from history nomination from Zach Mance who says, dear John and Andy, I've got a nomination for Hotty from History that you will lose your scalp over.

A female so hot, she encouraged a birthing America to decisively cut the cord from its controlling mother, i.e.

Great Britain.

A true hottie who died young, so forever remains hot and voluptuous for eternity.

That is finding the positive there.

Who is this extreme American hottie?

None other than Jane McRae.

Being a super hottie, McRae's death at the hands of British allied Iroquois natives inspired thousands of young, horny Americans to join the rebel cause out of fear of losing all the top-notch TNA in the colonies.

Besides the legions of truths her death rallied, it was the way in which she died that is truly hot.

Strap in, Andy.

Legend has it that when demigoddess Jane McRae was captured by the Iroquois, she was fought over by two warriors.

Unable to decide who would win this revolutionary Helen, the two young warriors did what anybody would do when fighting over a woman.

They scalped her!

Oh yeah!

Even British General Bagon was outraged by this loss of super lust Queen McRae.

However, like any true Brit, after calling for the warrior's execution, he instead pardoned him.

There you have it.

A woman so hot that even dead and scalpless, she caused enough erotic dreams to inspire us Yanks to kick out your spineless and seemingly eunuch ancestors.

But wait, he says, it doesn't end there.

This is this is where it really kicks in, Andy.

In 2003, archaeologists exhumed her grave only to find, but what?

That she'd been spending over 200 years in the corpsified arms of another woman, Sarah McNeill.

Oh, baby, yeah!

In order to preserve America from collapsing from an overdose of steamy, revolutionary lesbian uber hotness, the two women were reburied in separate graves.

McCrae's grave was even surrounded by eight-foot-high, pointy iron fence to ward off the horny hooligans who commonly prowl near the graveyard.

This woman cannot help but raise flags all over America even two centuries after her death.

John and Andy, I give you Jane McRae, a truly revolutionary hottie from history.

Wow, Zach, that is a hell of a story.

I need a cold shower after that.

It does raise an interesting question.

Was it, in fact, the Boston TNA party?

And another hottie from history nomination.

Dear the Bugle, I humbly submit to you a pasty, proselytizing, puzzling, prehistoric, pernicious, promiscuous, profligate papist.

I refer, of course, to the Pope, and no other pope would fit the post better than Pope John XII, who is noted for his evil and corruption.

He actually turned the Basilica of St.

John Lateran into a brothel, nailed his niece, castrated cardinals, blinded Benedict his confessor, drank to the devil, and other various fornications.

He died the way he lived, in the middle of some steamy adultery.

Now, if that promiscuous papacy doesn't get your robes ruffled, I simply don't know what will.

Thanks, a bugler.

P.S.

I would sign this email, but I'd get excommunicated.

Now this

has come from a bugle fan inside the Vatican.

Another email here concerning the love calculator that I mentioned a couple of weeks ago.

And it's from Emily Marlowe.

It says, Dear John and Andy, in episode 36, John mentioned a site he used which calculated the chances of a successful relationship between Barack Obama and the media.

I was intrigued by this and decided to put the names John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman into the love calculator.

Brace yourselves, Andy, what do you think?

What percentage chance do you think we have of a successful relationship?

I'm hoping around about one, one percent.

What are you talking about?

I'm jumping on the bottom.

That's incredibly hurtful.

I'm happily married.

Yeah, well,

you personally, I just want to stay friends.

I don't want to take it to the next level.

This relationship's gone stagnant, Andy.

You know, you've got to push it forward.

Let's keep it alive.

It's just hard long distance as well, John.

You're right, it is difficult, Andy.

But the fact is, Dr.

Love has claimed that we have a 41% chance of a successful relationship.

Still better than most marriages.

Still better than a lot of the reviews we got when we used to do live stage shows together.

That is also true.

According to Dr.

Love, the chance of a relationship working out between Andy Zoltzmann and John Oliver is not very big.

But a relationship is very well possible if the two of you really want it to and are prepared to make some sacrifices for it.

Probably not.

You'll have to spend a lot of quality time together.

That's going to be difficult.

And he says, you must be aware of the fact that this relationship might not work out at all, no matter how much time you invest in it.

And she said, I hope this does not herald the end of the bugle as we know it.

And it goes on to say, if it's any consolation, John, Andy's chance of a good relationship with Florence Nightingale is even slimmer.

A paltry 11%.

Really?

11%, Andy.

Well, that's not what she's been saying to me, Nightingale, in my dreams.

I think you and Florence Nightingale, it'd be one of those relationships where it is just physical.

And you just cannot stand each other.

It's just raw animal rutting, followed by just both of you kind of sending each other on their way.

It's just a magnetism, but which isn't backed up with any kind of emotional compatibility.

Right, like Ronald and Nancy Reagan.

So, thanks very much for all of your emails.

Do please keep them flooding in to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Or else.

Or else what?

You can't just say or else.

Or else what, Andy?

You're going to blacklist.

I like to leave that hanging, John.

Sport now, and the saga of Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre continues.

First, he retired, then he burst into tears, then he came out of retirement, then he retired again a few months ago, then burst into even more tears, then announced that he wanted to come back.

And now Green Bay are offering him a deal not to play.

And the plan may be to offer him $20 million

to not play American football.

It's just strong off.

I mean, I have to say that I've been inspired by I'm willing to undercut him.

I'm planning on lowballing fav.

And I'm currently informing the Green Bay Packers that I will take a mere $17 million to never play football again or for the first time for them.

Also, I mean, I think I would be terrible.

at American football and probably bring the game into some disrepute.

And by pulling on a Green Bay jersey, I think I could do some damage to the franchise.

So, I mean, really, it's definitely best that I'm kept away from their summer camp.

And everything has its price.

That's the American dream.

So get back to me, Green Bay.

Apparently, the Cincinnati Bengals are paying Osama bin Laden $25 million a year not to play for them because of how bad it would be for PR.

Yeah, I mean, it's difficult, though, isn't it?

Because, I mean, he'd fill the stadium.

In terms of bums on seats, I think people really want to see him over here.

And he would certainly open up some lanes.

I think he would get quite a lot of attention from the opposing defense.

So, I mean, he'd be like a magnet.

But they would certainly come in for some criticism for it.

You're right.

Some very solemn British sports news now.

And Michael Vaughan is no longer England cricket captain.

Are you okay, Andre?

Just

sit by your computers and await further instructions.

John, I don't know if our American listeners realise quite what a momentous event it is when the England cricket captain moves on to

a better place.

It's kind of like for America it would be like losing your president

and

you know all of the top MLB players and Oprah Winfrey in one single bus crash.

Steady on, Andy, we know you're hurting.

There's going to be a state funeral for Michael Vaughan's captaincy

next week where a video of the 2005 Ashes series will be paraded very slowly around London behind a horse-drawn carriage.

He didn't didn't really play very well in those ashes, though, did he, Andy?

Got the job done effectively.

Key innings in the third test.

Now's not the time for criticising.

It's the time for eulogies, Andy.

You're right.

Yep.

Yep.

And Olympics anniversary now, 72 years ago today, John Jesse Owens won the 100 metres at Berlin, sparking one of the most misunderstood actions in sports history as Hitler rose from his seat, shouting, Oh, look at him run, look at his little legs, and in his excitement, stretched out his arm to give Owens a congratulatory high five.

That's according to controversial historian David Irving's new history of athletics.

That's right, he really criticised Owens, didn't he, for leaving Hitler hanging on that high five.

The history could have been very different if Owens had just given him the top love that was requested.

And also in sport, the X Games continues all week.

How do you know that's happening?

I flicked over it last night.

And is there anything stranger than the sight of 40-year-old men on BMXs?

The X Games is the only place that that is acceptable and not really creepy.

A grown man on a BMX as people shout, oh that was sick at him.

They were saying that all the time, how sick everything was.

That was a sick, sick 220.

Everything was sick.

I presume it was good.

They sounded happy.

I have to say though, it is really fun when they smash their heads into the floor.

I will admit that.

It is really funny when

they face plant down.

So I enjoy it for that.

That's it from the Bugle this week.

Just time for our Bugle forecasts and, well, since it is the X Games, the unquestionable sporting, social and showbiz event of a year.

John, how many faces do you think are going to get planted in the X Games this week?

There are going to be at least...

Well, there's one now.

I think there's going to be at least 50 faces planted there and they're all going to be sick.

Every face planted is going to be a sick face.

Sickly planted.

Right, well well that's probably because once you've planted a face, you have to water it on a daily basis, otherwise it does get sick.

I think there's probably going to be more faces planted this week than in the history of the Exagames put together.

I just think the world needs more faces planted.

There's skateboarding as well, and you can face plant with that.

And there's motorcycles, and you can face plant with a motorcycle.

To be honest, that kind of face planting is a little too heavy for me.

Well, I'm going off.

I'm going to plant my face.

Yeah.

Defy anyone to stop me.

Sick.

Sick.

Yeah, very sick.

Have a sick week, buglers.

Real sick.

If symptoms persist, do consult a doctor.

Give it two days if you're feeling really sick.

But do go and see a doctor.

Bye.

Cheerio.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please, come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.