How is Mugabe losing a rigged election?

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers, welcome to issue 23 of the world's leading audio newspaper.

This is a special edition for the week beginning Monday the 7th of April, the first April edition in the history of the Bugle with me, Andy Zoltzmann in London.

And back where he belongs in New York City, John Oliver.

Ain't that the truth?

I'm back.

I'm in a New York frame of mind, Andy.

One that has enjoyed his last seven meals a lot more.

But I've got some big news, Andy, and that is that I touched George Clooney yesterday.

Did you, John?

Yeah, he was a guest on the show.

We shook hands, and I think my hand has been significantly handsomer ever since.

This is as handsome as my hand has ever been.

As I was standing there talking to him, I couldn't help thinking that we were like the bookends of male attractiveness.

I felt absolutely repulsive.

I looked in the mirror afterwards and none of my facial features seemed to be in the right place.

Everything was a little bit skewed.

Has your hand started doing impromptu shadow puppet performances of Cluny's non-hit film Siriana?

It hasn't done that.

Well that's good.

If ever you're struggling to get to sleep, just ask your hand to do that and that should do the deal.

As always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin.

This week, the special bugle bugle genealogy section.

Spice up your family tree with a free bonus relative.

This week, great-great-uncle Morris, who once head-butted the Kaiser during a croquet tournament after the German monarch cheekily kicked his ball into a better position when he thought no one was looking.

Morris, who came within a single compliment of seducing Lloyd George's wife at the Liberal Party conference Cribbage Night in 1908, was the first man to use a novelty car horn and taught your grandfather how to tell the difference between a tantrum and a heart attack.

Also in the bin is the conspiracy section that's been mysteriously cancelled.

We think we know why, but we can't tell you, just in case we're right.

Lead story this week and Rhodesia.

Oh, sorry, Zimbabwe.

Sorry, sorry, old habits.

Zimbabwe's elections have been thrown into chaos this week, although, to be fair, that is the default state for elections in Zimbabwe.

It's just that usually that chaos involves voter intimidation, violated ballot papers, independent observers from the UN being thrown out of the country, and Robert Mugabe winning by a mathematically impossible margin.

All this has happened this time, except for the result part.

Tensions are high as the results of the election have been delayed and the opposition party, MDC, under leader Morgan Svangerai, are claiming that they have defeated Mugabe.

Andy, you know that you are unpopular when an election you are rigging is still going against you.

That's a bad result for Bob.

Well, it's just unlucky, isn't it?

You win some, well, you win all of them usually, and you lose none of them.

But it does appear this is a bit of a turn-up for the books.

There have been certain irregularities, for example, 8,000 residents apparently living in an area with no buildings, and 75 voters living in a single shack, which has raised certain alarm bells.

And apparently, the authorities in Florida are taking notes and learning from the masters.

Well, that's right.

I mean, Mugabe does have some signature techniques for rigging elections, Andy.

And if you're planning on rigging an election in the near future, here are some of his tips for you.

One, print surplus ballot papers.

You are going to need these, you'll be filling them in in bulk later.

And two, as you say, use ghost voters.

Mugabe likes to use dead voters' names and have suspiciously large numbers of registered voters in rural areas.

For instance, 8,000 people have registered to vote in a small area north of Harare where there are only 36 houses.

Now, if we're going to give Mugabe the benefit of the doubt, that is just over 222 people per house.

And we don't know how big those houses are.

Maybe they are 36 massive houses.

We don't know all the details.

With their these ghost photos, they could just be really haunted houses as well.

So it's entirely possible.

Why shouldn't ghosts have as much right to vote as us ordinary non-ghost people?

That is apartheid of the worst kind.

One thing is for sure, and that is that Morgan Sfangerai is in a significant amount of danger.

Police have been raiding his offices and there are claims that many of his party have gone into hiding.

However, the Secretary General of his party denied this, saying, Zimbabwe is a small country, so we are not going into hiding.

We're just going to have to be extra cautious.

That is a man not saying we refuse to go into hiding, more, look, who are we kidding?

Let's just cut out the hide part and let the seeking begin.

It's been a tough road to the top for Big Morgan.

Just a year ago, he suffered a fractured skull at the hands of police, apparently.

It shows how easy it is to be an opposition politician in countries like Britain and America, John, which are count our lucky stars.

Although there was, of course, that one time that John Major smashed Neil Koenig's head repeatedly in the door of his Ford Fiesta just before the 1992 general election.

In fact, Swangarai later appeared in court on charges of aggravated democracy and inflicting illegal bloodstains on Robert Mugabe's favourite baseball bat.

And what's not to like about Robert Mugabe?

Well, it turns out quite a lot.

He is tyrannical, corrupt, and has absolutely mystifying views on homosexuality.

He once argued: if dogs and pigs do not do it, why must human beings?

Great advice.

But also, dogs and pigs don't work for a living, vote, or write poetry.

We must immediately stop doing all of these things.

That's why Robert Mugari is so strongly opposed to snooker in all its forms.

Well, dogs do do that, though, Andy.

Have you not seen the painting?

Well, that's propaganda, John,

that's put out by the MDC to discredit Mugarve.

The Zimbabwean ambassador has said, don't write Mugarby off.

Well, no one is doing that.

The smart money is, well, for a start, the smart money is nowhere near Zimbabwe.

but who, let's remember, have 100,000% inflation per year.

But the smart money, if it is there, is also still on Mugabe.

You've got to have him down as favourite.

He's like a horse who has a gun pointed at the horse he's racing against, neighing, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.

I just hope, though, John, that the Zimbabwean election doesn't spiral into the kind of violence and recrimination that we saw recently at Terminal 5 at Heathrow.

Let's just hope that it doesn't get that bad.

I don't know if you remember, but in last week's Bugle, I was laughing about how I was going to have to fly out of Heathrow and how I would probably be delayed.

And I turned up to Heathrow on Sunday to have my flight cancelled.

And 11 hours later, I took off.

So that joke very much boomeranged back on me.

Partially informed opinion news now and a poll conducted by the Programme for International Policy Attitudes on behalf of BBC World Service has shown that fewer people think America are baddies than a year ago, but more still think they're baddies than think they're goodies.

U.S.

State Department official Kurt Volcker has acknowledged that perceptions of America have been negative over recent years, but he claimed that 2003 and 2004 had been, quote, an anomaly because of the Iraq war.

In fact, the strength of World Opposition to America's clearly well-intentioned constructive destruction of Iraq is a classic case of the exception really busting its nuts to prove the rule.

History is, of course, littered with similar anomalies, John.

The survey at least proved that the world has got over its temporary little glitch in its perception of Germany, dating back to the quotes peculiar set of circumstances in the 1930s and 40s.

And British officials have argued that the fact that so many countries aggressively turfed us out was caused by a mutant strain of friendliness brought on by excessive gratitude for having the untidy extremities of their culture and population lopped off and neatened out, and their more exciting wildlife transformed into home furnishings for safekeeping.

We live in a world of anomalies, John.

The world is starting to view the US more positively.

What isn't currently clear is whether this is a genuine upturn or if this is just what happens when you hit rock bottom.

The Titanic must have slightly bounced when it hit the seabed.

Even Paul Pott's popularity must have gotten to the point where it couldn't get any lower.

The average percentage of people saying that the US has a positive influence on the world has risen from a shocking 31% to a massive 35%.

I don't think I've ever been that popular, Andy.

That's like having 10 people in a room with you and knowing that only six of them hate you and one of them is feeling 50-50 on it.

That sounds like my average gig.

Mr.

Volcker tearfully admitted, everybody wants to be loved, he said, but then pulled himself together and added, but we're a superpower.

We have large diplomatic reach and military reach.

So naturally, the world looks at the U.S.

with much greater attention than any other country in the world, and then stormed off to mop his mascara off his face.

And this is true to an extent, John, and I would argue that if this large diplomatic and military reach was not utilised quite so often for the purposes of reaching for stuff, then America might get away with it a bit more.

Perceptions of the US worsened over the last 12 months in only three countries on earth, Canada, Lebanon, and Egypt.

Now, Lebanon and Egypt, I can understand, Andy, that has a political rationale over the things that the US has done to them recently.

But Canada...

Grow up, moose faces.

A recent poll by the New York Times and CBS discovered that 81% of Americans believe that the country is going in the wrong direction.

And of course, initially, that seems like a lot of people.

Until it hits you that that means 19% of people think that this is exactly what America should be doing at the moment.

What does this administration have to do to worry them?

Kill the firstborn?

What's it going to take to shake that confidence?

Impending Ikageddon news now and the Antarctic ice cap is quite literally falling to pieces.

A 160 square mile piece has broken off Antarctica from the Wilkins Ice Shelf.

Sources close to the 160 square miles of ice have said that the split was caused by a mixture of artistic differences, wanting a new challenge after several thousand years with Antarctica, and global warming.

The Wilkins Ice Shelf, the Wilkins Ice Shelf, named after the polar explorer Captain Robert Scott, is one of Antarctica's best-loved ice shelves.

But of course, Antarctica is a long way away, John, so it's not really our problem.

In fact, I think here in London, the only way we're going to take it seriously is if the last remaining chunk of the rogue separatist ice turns up at the Thames Barrier saying, I am melting.

It's like the old Buddhist saying goes, Andy, if an ice shelf breaks off and the industrialised world is actively ignoring it, does it make a sound?

Absolutely not.

The Wilkins ice shelf has been retreating since the 1990s.

It's like a teenager.

Our relationship has become dysfunctional.

It's become distant and is now considering running away from us for good.

Just to put this thing in perspective, 160 square miles is the equivalent of 1,000 Vatican cities.

Now, if you can imagine 1,000 popes floating loose around the southern ocean, you get a picture of quite how serious this is.

There's a lot of very guilty feeling penguins out there.

It's also the equivalent of 60,000 football pitches.

But what is FIFA doing about it, John?

Nothing.

Typical.

It can't even sort out how to use proper timekeeping to stop players wasting time.

I can't expect them to fix Antarctica.

But it doesn't excuse it.

I would say, John, that massive bits of ice falling off Antarctica are like buses.

You wait thousands of years for one, and then they happen increasingly regularly over the course of 20th century as global industrialization accelerates.

But I'm not going to bang the global warming drum on its head.

But our politicians have inspired me, John, and if bits of ice this size keep falling off Antarctica, I'm going to start tutting loudly to myself about how more needs to be done to stop global warming, wondering whether people will still vote for me if they're living underwater and invading somewhere to take my mind off things.

Now perhaps the most evocative prediction for the world came from Ted Turner this week on Charlie Rose's programme.

The former media mogul said that global warming would have us all dead or eating each other by mid-century.

His exact quote, Andy, was, if steps aren't taken to stem global warming, we'll be eight degrees hotter in 30 or 40 years and basically none of the crops will grow.

Most of the people will have died and the rest of us will be cannibals.

Well, thank you, Nostradamus.

I thought I couldn't hear a more negative prediction for the world and then Ted Turner really got into his rhythm.

And this begs the question, if it's down to the two of us, which of us do you think is more likely to eat the other one?

Well, I know you're a bit of a picky eater, John, so I'm guessing it's likely to be me.

Because you're quite scrawny, so I'd probably have to marinate you for quite some time.

I'd probably hang you for a good couple of weeks just to loosen the meat out of it.

And I'd probably cook you with quite a strongly favoured kind of spicy sauce.

Because I think you might be a bit stringy.

I will not be stringy, Andy.

That's in many ways a compliment, John.

I'm just saying you're in better shape than me.

Just sear me either side.

Let the meat speak for itself.

I'm free range.

You're not.

You're living in a tiny flat in New York.

You're basically being battery farmed by the Daily Show.

A special bugle birthday card now and happy 90th birthday to the Royal Air Force.

The RAF was founded on the 1st of April 1918.

Doesn't time fly, John.

It seems like only yesterday that the tiny little RAF was just a beautiful collection of biplanes learning how to fly and and cutely crashing into trees.

They grow up so fast.

They really do.

The RAF celebrated its birthday in traditional style with a red arrows display before going to the pub, getting pissed, having a confidence crisis about its age, trying to get off with the Spanish Air Force, and ending up slumped against the side of a hangar at a disused airfield in Norfolk, crying its eyes out, wondering where the last 90 years have gone, before singing the theme tune to Dambusters and falling asleep dreaming about fighting off an alien invasion.

So here is the audio birthday card for the RAF.

Dear RAF, happy birthday.

Here's to plenty more years defying gravity and sticking it to the Luftwaffe.

Love from everyone at the Bugle.

And we've made the RF a special 90th birthday audio badge of a fighter jet flying past a dog.

90 to 10!

And now,

he's back to answer all your questions, American-based.

Please give a warm round of applause wherever you are in the world.

Be upstanding for the American.

Thank you.

Great to have you back, American.

It's always a pleasure.

It's a pleasure to be back, I gotta tell you.

I'm having a blast already.

How American are you feeling today?

Pretty good.

I'm bleeding red, white, and blue today, I gotta tell you.

That could be friends.

That's pretty American.

Yeah, that's true.

But don't ever say that again because it will annoy me.

I'll give you one strike on that one, buddy.

It's been a while since we've spoken to you.

I guess there's one thing that we wanted to know right off the bat and.

By the way, baseball season has begun, huh?

You feel that?

You smell that, boys?

Can you smell that in the air?

Narga hide.

I thought it was a mixture of mustards and human growth hormone.

So the first question we wanted to ask you is, you know, obviously your election, which is turning into one of the longest and most exciting elections in history, has thrown up some interesting quirks recently.

What is a super delegate?

Well, first thing, the most important thing to understand is that the American democratic system is the best democratic system in the world and therefore the most complex democratic system.

Oh, right.

And what we like to do is we like to make it as, you know, kind of confusing as possible for the layman so that the average man can't vote.

Because that's the trick to a good democracy.

That's the American dream.

Yeah.

You want to disenfranchise as many poor people and confused people as possible so that sort of the upper echelon of society is the only one who's kind of involved.

I see.

That's the trick.

That's democracy at its very best.

At its best.

That's kind of like the ancient Greeks did it by not letting women vote.

Come on,

that's how the founding fathers set it up.

Let's be honest.

That's how they dreamed it would be.

But things change.

The superdelegate is basically like if you go to vote and then you finish voting and then you get back online and you vote again, if you do that 25 times, you're kind of like a superdelegate.

Like you just matter more in the system, which makes sense because certain people should matter more.

In fact, there was a period of time they wanted me to be a superdelegate, but I turned it down.

Why?

Well, just because, you know, I don't, you know, I got other things going on.

What?

What have you got going on, American?

Apart from watching the baseball, you know, I don't want to get into that right now.

You'll probably read about it soon, but you know, I got other things on the table.

Spoiler alerts.

Spoiler alerts on the table.

Other things on the table other than exercising your democratic rights.

Well, in fact, referring back to the poll that we referred to earlier in the show, saying that the world's opinion of America has got slightly better over the last year.

I mean, why do you think that is, American?

The thing that strikes me odd about that question is that you're kind of implying that the world's opinion of America hasn't always been fantastic.

Uh-oh.

And I'm not quite sure why that would be.

Uh-oh.

You know what it is?

I'll tell you about the world.

You know what the world is right now?

They're like in their teenage years.

They're like the teenage daughter.

They're mad at daddy because we won't lend her the keys to the station wagon, okay?

But there's a reason.

There's a reason for everything, okay?

So as the world matures a little bit and starts to understand what it's like to be a superpower and what it's like to be in charge of things, I think the world will eventually come and thank us and say, you know what?

Thank you, Dad.

Even though you were tough on me when I was young and I was a kid, I learned.

I learned the hard way, okay?

That's what I did.

I learned.

It's like making sure your kid has a job after school.

That's what we're doing right now to the rest of the world.

Teaching them a little bit of responsibility.

You keep saying the world, but you are part of that world.

Well, no, no, no.

I would say we're like the district manager of the world.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, I'm not saying we own it, but like, we definitely, like, run it.

Do you think you could use the analogy of like a battered wife and an abusive husband?

You know, it's just this has gone on for so long.

You've managed to convince us that you're looking after us and that we're actually driving you to act this way.

It's all our fault.

Yeah, the thing is, I would never condone hating, you know, violence.

You mean you are not only condoning that, you are actively.

No, but not against a woman.

I mean, you bomb a country, you bomb a country.

It was a kind of a different thing.

Okay, so you're pretty messed up to hit your wife in the face, but you drop a couple of bunker buses on a Middle Eastern country.

I think there's a little bit of a difference.

But could you do that to your wife?

Could you attack your wife as long as you're airborne?

Well, you know, I mean, I guess it's like a mile-high rule or something.

I don't know.

I mean, I personally wouldn't do it, but I'm sure you can justify it.

People are sick.

There's sick people out there.

Let's not lie.

What if you were married to a rogue state?

Oh, yeah.

How would that work out?

Where I'm from, it won't work out at all.

You just won't do it.

Now, we actually have an email from one of our listeners here.

This is from Dan Manning.

from Great Rapids, Michigan.

He says, here's my question for the American.

Recent polls have shown that a fifth of Americans can't locate the United States on a map.

Why do you think this is?

Which map?

A A world map?

You know, I don't understand.

America is the biggest, best-looking country on the map.

I mean, seriously, it's beautiful.

I mean, if you look at it, put it this way, if all the continents were chicks and you had to take one out for a date, you'd obviously pick America every time.

As you probably would, Andrew.

To be fair.

It's got all the attributes.

It's got the hottest.

Look.

Africa's quite stacked up top.

Yeah, but it's kind of the inverse pair shape.

Whereas America's got curves in all the right places, Andrew.

To me, Africa's got a little bit of like a man thing going on.

I don't want to get involved there, you know?

America's nice and curvy she's beautiful although to be honest I don't know how you'd explain away Florida Dan Manning and Michigan if people really can't find America on a map I gotta tell you stay in school kid okay because you I mean that's lesson one know where you live be able to get home you get lost you gotta be able to get home of course the beauty of uh being British years and years ago uh during the days of the British Empire is that you could just point to any globe and go that's us yeah we basically had all of it it made things a lot simpler yeah well that's kind of like us right now in the world a little bit you know like I always feel very comfortable when I'm I'm traveling overseas and I stumble into a McDonald's.

It's like a little piece of American soil, you know what I'm saying?

It's like an embassy, really, isn't it?

Yeah, it's an embassy.

And if I was a Highlander, they couldn't decapitate me when I'm done.

Kind of holy ground.

This comes from Warren Black in Belfast in Northern Ireland.

He sent it a couple of weeks ago.

He wrote, I've just seen the ex-governor of New York, Elliot Spitzer, giving a statement on Channel 4 News, and he sounds awfully like the American of Askin American fame.

Are they one and the same?

Can you confirm or deny that you are Elliot Spitzer?

Wow, that is some question.

First of all, Mr.

Black, thank you.

Obviously, Elliot Spitzer is a brilliant man, brilliant mind.

And just because he's got a little bit of a thing with the ladies, by the way, this is one thing, and you know I love America more than anybody.

I know.

But this is one area where I think Europe's got us beat.

Because in Europe,

if you're getting a little action on the side, which all powerful men should, it keeps their mind clean.

We make such a big deal out of this nonsense.

Okay, what's the big deal?

You know?

And it's like, all right, so the guy's, yeah, so what?

He's spending state funds on, you know, hookers.

Big deal.

Big deal.

All right?

The guy needs a clear head.

He's got to do it.

He's got a big job to do.

New York is quite a state to manage.

It is.

This is not a kid's state over here.

This is not the governor of Delaware.

That guy.

I'm like, yeah,

keep it in your pants, but this is New York.

And I normally not do complimentary of anything that happens out there.

Yeah, we appreciate that.

We appreciate that.

In fact, so there was an Italian prime minister who had to resign when it was revealed in the press that he wasn't having an affair.

But no, I'm not Elliot Spitzer, but I do approve his message.

Now, Hillary Clinton, who is still hanging in there to be candidates, she compared herself to Rocky recently whilst campaigning in Philadelphia.

What did you think of that?

See, here's the thing Hillary doesn't realize.

When you compare yourself to Rocky, you have to pick which Rocky you're comparing yourself to.

Good point.

Because there's a lot of Rockies.

There's six Rocky movies.

Okay, now if you're comparing yourself to Rocky and Rocky 1, you know, the guy, tough guy bouncing a ball in the street.

He's trying his girlfriend works at a pet store.

I respect that Rocky, okay?

He's punching meat in a butcher shop.

He's working hard.

He's trying to do what he can do to get his girlfriend from selling turtles, okay?

So I respect that Rocky.

If she's that Rocky, okay, maybe I'm interested in Hillary Clinton.

But then all of a sudden, there's a Rocky from Rocky IV.

This guy, he's a dick.

He's got a robot.

He's got dogs in a pool.

He's swimming.

There's a robot bringing him lunch.

I mean, this Rocky is not my Rocky.

Now, Hillary could be that Rocky.

She might be the one who's going to fight Ivan Drago and and lets Apollo Creed die in the ring.

She could be that Rocky.

Do I know?

Probably that Rocky.

Or there's the most recent Rocky, Rocky Six,

who's just a fat guy who owns an Italian Rocky.

What do I want that guy running the country for?

So I think Hillary, if she's going to take the Rocky comparison, needs to be very specific about which Rocky she is.

I mean, she really wasn't clear about that.

And there are six different kinds of president there.

And then, you know, then you could start making other comparisons.

I mean, who's Thunderlips?

Who's Club of Lang?

You know what I mean?

I don't know the answers to this.

And then it's Bill Clinton, Adrian.

I mean, what's going on over here?

I don't know what's going on.

I guess so.

I guess so.

I guess so.

I guess if she wins that candidacy, she'll be hoisted onto people's shoulders screaming, boo!

Exactly.

I don't want to see that.

I don't want to see that.

So, you know, clarify where this is going.

And a final question for you, American, comes from a man known only as Jamie, who writes, Canada, America's hat, discuss.

It goes back to what we were talking about earlier.

If you're looking at the map, and you're saying, where's America on the map?

America's a hot chick.

And she's wearing a hat.

And that hat is Canada.

Let's just be straight.

It's more of a beret, really, isn't it?

Yeah, a little bit, but you know, that's what you know.

Sometimes a girl looks hot in a beret, let's be honest.

I totally understand what you're saying.

And here's the thing: the only thing with Canada is you can't ever hang your hat in a hook, it's always on your head, and that's the only problem I have with Canada.

Every now and then, I want to take my hat off, my head's getting hot.

Nothing I can do about you, Canada.

American, thank you very much for joining us.

We'll have more questions for you in future weeks.

And congratulations on your increased popularity.

How are you doing?

So, if you've got further questions for the Americans' next visits, do email them to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Your emails now, and this one comes from Sean Owen in London, who writes: I listened to this week's podcast, as always, well done, only to be disappointed when you failed to address one particular story from the lead-up to the US presidential elections.

I am, of course, referring to Hillary Clinton's recollection last week of how, on landing at Tuzla Air Base in Bosnia 12 years ago, she was forced to make a desperate dash from the plane to the waiting motorcade under heavy sniper fire.

It subsequently emerged that no such incident took place.

On the contrary, the first lady was met by a flower-bearing eight-year-old girl and Grammy Award winner, Miss Cheryl Crowe.

Sean continues, I have come up with several possible scenarios to explain how Mrs.

Clinton could manage to confuse a terrifying near-death experience with meeting Cheryl Crowe.

One, Hillary is suffering from acid flashbacks brought on by heavy experimentation with psychedelics in the mid to late 60s.

Two, Hillary has had false memories implanted into her brain by a cabal of pro-Obama CIA agents in an attempt to discredit her.

Or three, Hillary comes under heavy gunfire when landing at most international airports, and consequently, these incidents have all blurred into one.

I can also offer a fourth possibility to explain this bizarre anomaly, but I would feel too much like a man who finds himself standing in front of a large barrel overflowing with fish who has just been handed an M16 assault rival and been instructed to blow the shit out of it.

Well done, Sean.

Less well done for concluding your email with the phrase, words to your mothers.

I'm not sure either John nor I fully understands what that means, but we'll pass on a word.

Mrs.

Saltzman and Mrs.

Oliver.

Now, we've also had possibly the finest piece of spam on the bugle so far.

Usually, Tom, our producer, was saying the spam is largely of the French porn and offers of posters of Spain variety.

Who'd have thought those two would be close together?

Sounds like a euphemism, though.

Did you like some posters of Spain?

This is from Mr.

Andy, and the subject is Bulletproof Vest Armoured Vehicle.

To whom may be concerned, it begins.

We are the leading manufacturer of bulletproof products in China, and that's a competitive field, especially with the Olympics getting closer.

We have been exported bulletproof products for many years.

At present, we are interested in extending our range, and with our pleasure, to giving the catalogues and quotations to you for reference as follows: Bulletproof Vest, Kevlar material, that's going to cost us 335 US dollars apiece, Andy.

Armoured cash transport car with petrol engine $34,500 a Nissan armoured cash transport car $3,380 there Andy bargain I mean that is a bargain I look forward to hear from your reply soon sincerely yours Mr Andy

that does sound from where it's written that Mr.

Andy might be the prominent British nonsensicalist comedian Stanley Unwin in disguise for our American listeners who can be heard of course on the classic small faces album Ogden's Nuck on Flake.

This, John, you might be interested in.

It comes from a woman known only as Bernadette, who writes, Dear John, brackets, hello to Andy.

I don't think you really mean that, Bernadette, if you put it in brackets.

I love that start to an email.

I knew you're a man of high intellect, but I had no idea that you already had a school named after you.

What a tremendous achievement.

Congratulations.

That's right, John.

You have had a school in Vancouver named after you.

And this snippet is from the Wikipedia entry for John Oliver Secondary School.

Motto and code of conduct.

John Oliver School's motto is virtus vincit, meaning virtue conquers.

The school's code of conduct is the Joker's Code, or J code, as I believe it used to be known on the hard streets of South London.

Each letter of the word jokers is the first letter of a virtue encompassed by the J code.

Thus justice.

Thus justice, ownership, knowledge, effort, respect, and success are the virtues encouraged by John Oliver's J code.

Yeah, I would like to wish all

attendees of my school, I don't call them students, Andy, I call them attendees because I think formality needs to be returned to education.

I would like to say hello to all attendees of John Oliver Secondary School.

Good luck with your endeavours, and that's what you're learning there you will either forget or will prove irrelevant over the next 10 years.

Do keep your emails coming into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk and also keep flooding in your nominations for hotties from history.

We can now proudly announce the winners of Mr.

and Miss March from history.

Mr.

March is the physics megastar and self-styled Pete Samprass of electromagnetism, Michael Faraday, and Miss March, could it have been anyone else?

Eleanor Roosevelt.

Nay

Roosevelt.

Oh, yeah.

Six foot tall, three foot wide.

And now, sports and breaking news, cycling is the best sport in the world.

If sports are measured by how many gold medals Britain wins at World Championships, which they are.

Say what you like about Britain, we've got some people who can go really fast on two-wheeled, engineless vehicles.

We were aided in the Madison events by the fact that no other nation has yet deciphered the rules.

World champion Chris Hoy managed to figure them out using the machine that cracked the Enigma code in the war, and so romped to a gold medal.

And I think the success of our cyclist, John, really throws into sharp relief the failure of our pampered, overpaid footballers.

Why can't Stephen Gerard ride a bicycle at 40 miles an hour?

He does it for his club, week in, week out.

We are the Viscount of the Velodrome, Andy.

Come take that title from us, world.

And now, a possibly unique moment in the history of broadcasting.

An audio-cryptic crossword clue that has the same number as the issue of the bugle it is appearing in.

This may or may not have happened before, I'm not sure, but it's certainly happening now.

It's 23 across.

Five letters long, split into two words of three and two.

And this clue really shows what an unoriginal society we now live in and the dangers of excessive technology.

Sheep follows manufacture of computer sports games, which turn into wolf.

3-2.

Everyone calm down and think about it rationally.

I was doodling all the way through that, Andy.

I've drawn a man on some skis.

Well, John, perhaps you'd enjoy this section of the bugle if you'd ever read a dictionary in your entire life.

And now we conclude the bugle with the bugle forecast.

As always, this week, it's a retrospective forecast of what will have happened in the Grand National last Saturday.

John, what's your prediction?

Definitely going to say a horse is going to win it this year.

Right.

And I think that horse is going to be

horsey mchoof hoof.

Oh, I think you've done your research.

I'm going to predict slightly more specifically that Saturday's race will have been won by a jockey whose surname contains a vowel

or by a horse with at least two hips.

And I just hope there's no repeat of last year's appalling scenes when in a loophole in the British euthanasia laws the elderly couple Morag and Dennis Fitch entered the Grand National as a pantomime horse, took a dive at the first

and then just waited for

the Tarpauland of Mercy.

Isn't the Tarpaulin of Mercy going to be the title of your autobiography, Andy?

No, it's a band I was in when I was 15.

Oh, that's correct.

I always get the two mixed up.

I thought we were loud.

Anyway, that's all from the bugle this week.

Do keep your emails flooding in the bugle at timesonline.co.uk and look at all the goodies on our special websites: timesonline.co.uk/slash the bugle.

And when I say slash, I mean it in the musketeer sense.

Bye!

Cheerio!

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.