Hugo 'crackers from Caracas' Chavez

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world

Hello buglers, welcome to issue number 22 of the bugle.

That means there are now enough bugles for you to pick two football teams out of them.

We suggest having bugle number six playing in central midfield the rest should hopefully just fall into place this is for the week beginning monday the 31st of march 2008 with me andy zoltzman in london and mr john oliver also in london it's the first bugle in london andy the first london based bugle of all time of all time great to be back in london i've already picked someone's pocket today and have been taken in by a kindly old man.

What a London experience I'm having.

I'll do some hooliganising later.

Then it'll be time for tea.

With the Queen, Andy.

Well, how does it feel to have a monarch again?

Well, it feels great.

I feel complete.

There was a Liz-shaped hole in my life, and she's filled it.

Yep.

Have you noticed anything different about Britain since you were last here?

It feels slightly shitter.

A bit angrier.

It's angrier.

There seems to be a lot of teen stabbings.

Yep.

One other thing?

We've had our hair done.

Oh, that's normal.

Sorry, I thought you'd notice.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, sure.

It looks great.

Looks great.

As always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin.

This week, a special work-life balance section.

We offer you tips on how to decide whether your family is worth it, how to convince yourself that there is nowhere you'd rather be than in a windowless office, and how to do a PowerPoint presentation whilst playing online cribbage and bathing your neglected dog.

Also, a three-stage guide to how to get out of the rat race.

Step one, resign from your job.

Step two, have a cup of tea and play yourself at chess.

And step three, go on a massive crime spree.

Then hand yourself in to the police, guaranteeing yourself a nice, long, relaxing stretch away from the pressures of work and family, getting to know new people and learning new skills in a stimulatingly competitive environment.

Jail is the ultimate mental pick-me-up.

Top story this week, Tibet.

Well, we've been off for the last two weeks, giving Tibet ample time to resolve all its problems with China.

And I'm sorry to report that it hasn't seized that opportunity with both hands.

In fact, it hasn't even seized it with one hand.

It just looked at that opportunity, shrugged and sighed.

Journalists have been let back into Tibet for the first time since protests erupted two weeks ago.

The press tour, however, was disrupted by 30 Tibetan monks who chanted pro-Tibetan slogans and defended the Dalai Lama.

This whole story, Andy, is going to have to make us reconsider monks and what they're capable of.

I thought I couldn't be surprised by them anymore when the film Bulletproof Monk came out in 2003 and I learned that there is an immortal Kung Fu Master Monk travelling the globe protecting an ancient scroll.

But they've surprised me again and I'll tell you what this makes you think that we have a very low grade of monk in England Dundee all ours do is shuffle around without saying anything all day and maybe do some occasional gardening no throat singing no slamming their heads through breeze blocks how do they expect to get closer to God if they can't slam their heads through breeze blocks I'm afraid I don't watch violent monk films John so you've completely lost me well really the point with that film is it wasn't actually violent he was bulletproof he didn't fire bullets because he's a Buddhist China of course accused the Dalai Lama of being behind the violent demonstration.

Two of which the Dalai Lama presumably got out his CV, which has quite an impressive track record of not encouraging violence.

In fact, arguably he's taken it too far.

And it seems that a lot of the younger generation of Tibet are getting bored of his hackneyed old message of peace and have taken up smashing things up instead.

Well, it's difficult for the Chinese though, Andy, because what they're doing is they're going up against the 14th incarnation of a god.

And that's a worthy foe.

But the point is, Andy, where were our monks during the Iraq war protests?

Tibetan monks, they're the front line of protests.

Where were ours?

They should have been scaling Big Ben like a group of rogued warriors and then slammed their heads through some breeze blocks.

Well, if you are a monk listening to the bugle, then do email us in and tell us why you weren't slamming your head through breeze blocks at such a crucial moment of British history.

Yeah, or at the very least, send us in...

a breeze block in two pieces with a head-shaped print in the centre of it.

But around 100 people are thought to have died during the writing, Andy, and protests are said to have spread across the country.

And there were also protests at the official lighting of the Olympic torch, and protests are anticipated to continue as it is carried around the world.

Although, I don't know, Andy, where this idea of the Olympics being the apex of everything that is good in the world came from.

Historically, it has been a parade of doped-up athletes with bulging eyes running around a track faster than is natural, as seven-year-old Russian gymnasts threaten with beatings if they fall off a pumble horse.

Let's remember, the Olympics were never synonymous with human rights, they began as essentially a nude wrestling competition from which women were banned as spectators upon pain of death.

Was that so wrong?

Would the Olympics be worse if that was brought back in?

I'm not making a judgment call on it.

I'm just saying, if you're going to claim it's about human rights, that's a false claim.

Ask the ladies.

You can't.

They're not there.

I mean, some argue that the Olympics should be left alone, as they will allow people to see China.

maybe in a different way or even for the first time and will increase the pressure on China to improve their human rights record.

And of course, the Olympics taking place at all can do a lot of good for human rights.

Just look at Berlin in 1936.

Germany really cleaned up its act after those games.

Just imagine how bad it would have been if they hadn't had those games John.

That actually kept a lid on things for a few years.

Dala Loma said that the past's relationship between Tibet and China has been, quotes, difficult in the same way that the relationship between a golf ball and a driver is difficult.

Not difficult for the driver, very tricky for the golf ball.

Exactly.

But a further complication is that if the West wants to put too much pressure on China, China will just turn around and say, don't you want to wear t-shirts anymore?

Fair enough, but you will get a cold.

As always, though, Bugle favourite and President of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, has been the most entertaining man on this, as with all international matters.

Any guest, John, who he is pinning the blame for these riots on?

I'll give you a choice.

I'll give you a choice.

Okay.

A, the Chinese government.

It doesn't feel right to me.

B, Tibetan separatists.

Not Not sure I'd be interested in that.

C, just the cruel hand of fate.

Okay.

Or D, America.

Oh,

let me see.

I'm going to go with D, Andy.

Oh, you're right.

Just

America.

Chavez said that American imperialists want to divide China.

They're trying to sabotage the Olympics in Beijing, and behind that is the hand of imperialism.

We asked the world to support China to neutralise this plan.

I'm going on record again.

I love this man.

Other bit of news now.

And the French president's wife has visited Britain and she is hot.

That is the news this week.

We don't yet know whether the French president also came or what he was here for.

But his wife was here.

It's not important.

And she's pretty.

She is very pretty.

Hot off the press.

Both the story and his wife.

I can't even remember his name.

And I can't remember hers either, but she's hot.

Britain has been in a real tiz this week over the state visit of President Sarkozy, France, the first state visit by a French president for 12 years.

And he's been attempting to seduce the House of Commons with his smooth mentions of gratitude for the Second World War and lascivious invitations to bond deeper with the EU, all with his come to Brussels eyes.

He said that instead of the Entente Cordiale, we should now have an Entente Amicale.

And Prime Minister Gordon Brown said he thought it should in fact be an Entente Formidable.

See, we can't even agree on how to describe this new good relationship.

It's never going to work, Andy.

Let's just go back to firing arrows at each other.

We were good at that.

Well, in fact, I mean, the whole relationship between Britain and France has been a bit sticky.

Ever since that old Battle of Facing's King Harold, hey, watch this, I'm going to catch this one in my teeth.

Squelch.

Ow, that hurt.

Oops.

I can only see in two dimensions now.

Yeuch.

Yup, with hindsight, that was a bit cocky.

Well, I was playing for the embroiderers.

Still, no complaints.

The Normans have been the better team on the day, and William's a top-class conqueror.

There's no shame in losing what's been a terrific battle for the neutrals incident.

First ever post-battle interview.

When asked if this newfound closeness between Britain and France would last, Sarkozy stated, this is more than a one-night stand.

We will go into the next day for breakfast.

Stop it, you Gallic Lothario!

Not everything has to be about sex.

This is international relations, Caligula, not the last days of Rome.

And more importantly, this is Britain.

This is Britain.

Keep it in your trousers.

It's amazing, though, the incredibly juvenile reaction of Britain as a nation, in particular the British press, to this visit.

We basically completely ignore politics until a hot woman becomes involved and then all of a sudden it's front-page news.

As you say, the first visit by a French president for 12 years.

But also, more importantly, it's the first time that a head of state has come to Britain bringing a wife who's banged Mick Jagger.

As far as we know.

Is that true?

Well, Raisa Gorbachev was once heard humming the tune to Gimme Shelter whilst talking about boys with Mrs.

Thatcher, but...

That could have been coincidence, we don't know.

Sarkozy did say that he's been deeply moved by the positive reception of his wife by the British press, saying, I'm proud that people have seen her for what she is and that there is a sense of justice.

And this is the same British press who had days before printed nude photos of his wife.

Of course they love her.

They love anyone who they have nude photos of.

If Ava Brown had done a centerfold spread, I'd be speaking to you in German now.

Sarkozy has received a great deal of criticism in France for, amongst other things, his love of Rolex watches and the fact that upon being elected he chose to marry a supermodel and start jetting around the world.

He seems to have mistaken being president with being a racing driver.

The Daily Mail wrote of Carla Bruni that not since Anne Boleyn has a woman curtsied so deeply, so demurely or so calculatedly before a British monarch.

Well that says maybe but let's remember what happened after Anne Boleyn curtsied.

She was beheaded.

Mr.

Sarkozy, interestingly, is only one metre 65 long when lying on the floor without his shoes on.

He's a Mingle Lauren Order fan and likes nothing more than trying to Americanise the French economy whilst getting married for the third time.

He's He's promised France will never forget what Britain did for it in the World Wars.

And the feeling is extremely mutual.

Britain won't forget it either.

In fact, if anything, we're likely to cop on about it for just a little too long.

And Sarkozy also said that Britain is a political and human ideal.

A comment so outlandishly complimentary as to make Britain's youth take a moment's break from vomiting all over itself to look at him in surprise and reply, No, mate, you are on the wrong train.

The wrong train, comprende

Endangered Animals News.

And President George W.

Bush has continued branching out his commitment to devaluing human life into devaluing the lives of animals as well.

And having already made great strides in this area by refusing to sign the Kyoto Treaty and treating global warming like it was a chronicle of Narnia, now we find out that his administration has made it increasingly difficult over the last seven years to protect any endangered animals by erecting numerous bureaucratic obstacles to effectively limit the number of species possible to be protected under the Endangered Species Act.

A bald eagle was heard squawking, what does an animal have to do to be endangered round here?

Shortly before having his natural habitat obliterated and still failing to make the list.

Why is this happening, John?

I've come up with a couple of possible explanations for why Bush is doing this.

One is that he's a really devoted Christian, we all know that, we've seen that in his foreign policy as well as his domestic policies.

And I think he's just helping his old friend God out by killing off some of God's less successful species.

Because, I mean, people don't like to criticise God, but he's clearly not on quite a good enough job on these animals and therefore they're becoming extinct.

Now, I know, you know, God is in a position of supreme power, but no one is above taking a bit of help and advice, particularly not from the leader of the free world.

So I think that's one possible explanation.

He's trying to help God.

Well, also, maybe he's trying to trim animals down to two examples of each kind and is going to become a kind of modern-day Noah.

He already basically helped flood New Orleans, so maybe he's looking for this to be the big one.

Two of each animal and just Bush and his twin daughters sailing around the world.

The other possible explanation is that he hates animals.

He hates all animals.

And this goes back to a famous incident in George Bush's childhood when he was given the school panda to look after over the summer.

He took it home and shot it point blank in the head whilst the panda was offering him some bamboo.

Of course, he claimed that he was more endangered than the panda because there was only one of him, but there were hundreds of pandas, and that the bamboo could easily have been weaponised or concealed a nuclear program.

In over seven years of presidency, Bush has placed just 59 species on the endangered list, a number that even his dad managed every 12 months.

And in a major shift in policy, senior interior officials revised a long-standing idea that rated the threat to various species based primarily on their populations within US borders.

They then argued that species such as the wolverine and the jaguar do not need protection because they also exist in Canada and Mexico.

And that's not really how a country's eco-balance works.

That also means that Save the Children Fund charity is pointless.

There are children who are perfectly unpersecuted in some countries, so it's fine.

Human rights watchers are completely wasting their time, and that indeed is Bush's justification for Guantanamo Bay.

As long as there are humans with rights somewhere in the world, he's in the clear.

Heathrow Terminal 5 news now and the spanking new Terminal 5 at Heathrow Airport has opened amid scenes of chaos and anger as flights were cancelled, baggage was marooned and customers were treated with the corporate contempt that has become synonymous with Britain's biggest, shittest transport hub.

This, John, was a good, old-fashioned British shambles.

No one does it better.

When you pay £4.3 billion for something that the rest of the world will watch opening with interest, we in Britain expect, no, demand a certain level of cack-headed logistical incompetence to prove that as a nation, we've still got it.

Holidaymakers were thrilled to bits with the new terminal.

Jeff Spagg, who is on his way to Spain, said, I've just had my flight cancelled and I'm now having to wait three hours to get my bags back.

Frankly, this is exactly what I came for, to be part of British ineptitude history.

I thought they'd screw something up on the big day, but I didn't realise it would be this good.

Heathrow has nailed down its historic place as Britain's greatest day-to-day embarrassment.

Now, to round off an unforgettable day, I'm off to get royally fleeced for the train back to London.

I'm proud to be British.

And Mike Horse, who was left frustrated with his wife Bridget Horse and young daughters Alphonso and Marmite, as their dreams of the holiday of a lifetime went up in severely delayed metaphorical smoke, was equally impressed.

We played top dollar to be right in the eye of this storm of incompetence, he shouted above the bored caterwauling of his children and the desperate shrieking of his wife.

And they haven't let us down on the big day.

It's been totally ruined.

We couldn't have asked for any more.

Roll on the 2012 Olympics, I say.

They could be sensational.

I want to see a top-level athlete accidentally throwing a javelin into a primary school.

£4.3 billion this new terminal cost.

It also cost untold environmental destruction.

Passengers could not travel with their luggage.

No luggage.

And I think that what Heathrow was really trying to do, Andy, was pose the question, do we really need luggage?

And the answer, it turned out, is yes.

But at least we've had that dialogue now.

That's right.

I think we're too obsessed with possessions in this day and age.

There were some amazing complaints that ranged from my flight has been cancelled,

a classic,

to I don't have my luggage, including one man who was forced to fly without his penicillin, which is a lovely touch by BA, all the way to a glass walkway in Terminal 5, which people were using to look up women's skirts.

They've clearly built it for a purpose.

Why else would you build a glass walkway in an airport?

What's the architect Benny Hill?

I just cannot believe, Andy, that we in Britain have not evolved past the point of going to Heathrow Airport and going, look at that glass walkway.

Oh, let's start looking up skirts.

We're a nation of six-year-olds.

It's pathetic.

I actually had the honour of flying out from Heathrow Airport last year, John, as I'm sure you've done many times.

And frankly, it was like flying in the 14th century.

A dose of the plague would have been a merciful relief from queuing for three hours in a crowded tent, being shouted at by dog-ear-piercingly highly strung staff, and being made to feel like a naughty pig on the way into a thoroughly merited abattoir.

If they're going to treat their so-called customers with that level of disdain, they should at least have the decency to provide us all with cyanide capsules.

So we at least have the option of ending the check-in process with dignity.

They'll probably charge you for that cyanide capsule, Andy.

Bugle Unsung Heroes section.

And this is a new section where we plan to venerate some unvenerated heroes around the world who have not perhaps received the press attention they deserve.

And we're going to give them a fraction of that press attention.

And this week, a candidate for senator in Idaho in the United States has legally changed his name to Pro-Life.

and will appear that way on the ballot this year, Idaho state officials have just revealed.

Marvin Pro-Life Richardson, an organic strawberry farmer, was denied his middle name on the ballot when he ran for governor in 2006 because Idaho laws ban the use of sloganeering on ballots.

So he simply changed Pro-Life to his full and only name.

I don't know if that's first name pro, surname life, or whether it's just one name like Madonna, Prince or Jesus.

I don't know.

He's like a Brazilian footballer, isn't he?

I'd like to see more politicians going this way.

Unfortunately, Pro-Life does sound like an insurance firm that probably sponsors a seniors tour golf event.

So I wouldn't vote for him on those grounds alone but the ex-Martin Pro-Life Richardson

that's right pro-life really was his middle name

he wasn't born like that John no he wasn't given that name by his parents and thought I have a calling in life well this is his second name change

Pro-Life advocates murder charges for doctors who perform abortions and women who receive them.

Here's the new definition of a one-issue candidate.

He just took it to the next level, Andy, and I would love to be at a dinner party that he was involved in.

John, I'd love you to meet Pro-Life.

Pro-Life, this is John.

Oh, hello there, Pro-Life.

Pleasure to meet you.

And what is it that you do?

Let me guess.

Tirelessly and inexplicably fight a women's right to choose.

Oh, hooray!

I was right.

Can you pass the broccoli, please?

Do you think it'll catch on, though, politicians changing their names?

I mean, I think, would Gordon Brown have more of a chance of winning the next British general election if he changed his name to don't underestimate the importance of fiscal stability?

Let's get her message across clearly through the use of names.

Gordon Brown doesn't tell me anything.

True.

I think Hillary Clinton should change her name to old f you.

At least she'll have the courage of her convictions then.

Or at least maybe to get people more interested in politics again, more politicians could have wrestling style middle names.

Oh, that's good.

Like David, the bandwagon jumper, Cameron, Hugo, Crackers from Caracas, Chavez.

Or Baby Slicing, King Solomon.

So do you have any heroes you'd like to nominate for the unsung hero section?

The more unmelodiously sung, the better.

Email them into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk or any politicians wrestling middle names that you think should be forced upon them

April Fool's Day news now and this Tuesday is April Fool's Day.

It's an age-old tradition dating back of course to the first April Fool's Day which was the original Easter Sunday when Jesus popped out from behind a tree and said I'm not dead got you

You should see the looks on your faces.

That was an April Fool's Day prank which has since got way out of hand.

There have been some great April Fool's pranks throughout history.

I hope you've got your pranks ready to go.

Hiroshima, surely one of the great April Fool's Day pranks, made even better because it was done on August the 6th.

They had no idea it was coming.

You should have briefly seen their faces.

Briefly and extremely brightly.

And of course the moon landing, the world's first combined prank to convince one man to his dying day that he actually walked on the moon.

We're all in on it.

Shh.

But there have been some great pranks that did actually happen on April the 1st.

In 1944, America accidentally bombed the Swiss city of Schaffhausen.

Just goes to show that you have to put a lid on these pranks.

They can just get out of hand.

1989 Margaret Thatcher introduced a poll tax to Scotland and they had a bit of a sense of humour failure over that and haven't really lightened up since.

Dalla, Dallas,

but pranks, John, to me, I think should be banned because they're essentially just terrorism with a mild sense of humour.

And I think they should be banned because they're like drugs.

You start on the easy stuff, like pulling chairs from under people's bots, then you fall in with the wrong crowd, and soon you're onto harder pranks like dismantling someone's house and rebuilding it 50 yards away in the middle of a main road.

And within a few years, you've been radicalised, and you're hilariously shooting dead the Archduke of Austria-Hungary and starting a war, which costs millions of lives and changes the face of civilization forever.

That is the fine line between prank and act of mass terrorism.

But you say this, Andy, but you are, I believe, the owner of one of the greatest, the self-styled, it says on the box, the greatest joke in the world.

Yes, the exploding golf ball.

Now, have you not even used that yet?

No, I've not used it because, you know, where would my life go as a professional comedian after I had witnessed the greatest joke in the world of a golf ball exploding on impact?

You must be very careful if you are performing an April Fool's prank this year, because some of them do back far.

In 1924, Hitler was sentenced to five years in jail on the 1st of April for his role in the Beer Hall Putsch.

And that made him angry.

It made him very angry.

So just make sure it's clear that it's a joke.

Your emails now, and thank you for continuing to cascade us with emails.

This one came from Miranda A., a devoted bugler from Boston, Massachusetts.

Dear John and Andy, as I listened to your discussion about disgraced ex-Governor Elliot Spitzer, I was struck by a startling thought.

Brace yourself, John.

If it is true that, that, as you asserted, people always desire that which they rail against the hardest, what are we to make of John's constant whinging about the phenomenal audio-cryptic current?

Oh, no, this logic does not work.

I like where this is going.

No.

To paraphrase one of England's more well-known wordsmiths, methinks the gentleman doth protest too much.

From this, Miranda writes, I can only assume that in his heart of hearts, John longs for nothing more than to sit down with a nice cup of tea and ravage the crossword to within an inch of its life.

I have no idea why he feels the need to hide this desire behind an impenetrable wall of complaints, but I can only hope he sees a light soon.

Until then, I'm counting the days until Mr.

Oliver is discovered in an airport men's room, clutching a pen in an inappropriate manner as he scribbles down the answers, screaming, I just need the last clue, just one more, as he's dragged away by jaded security officers.

There are no crosswords skeletons in my closet.

You're welcome to look.

We have an email here from Chris Mealy, who says, What is the bugle's theme song?

It's positively cheering and always makes me smile.

Sincerely, chris in seattle usa andy do you know what the bugle theme parp is is it baby got back by lord formerly sir mixolot oh nice nice save actually he's now baron mixolot

um no it's not that do you want to try another willfully incorrect guess okay oh i will do that john is it can't get no grinding by muddy waters no it is uh tide of empire by artist unknown right that's what it is andy tide of empire right well don't don't swim against that tide.

So, no.

Yeah, no wonder, Chris, in Seattle, United States, you find it so cheering and uplifting.

It's the British Empire calling you back.

You shouldn't find it cheering, you should find it intimidating and arousing.

That's where you people went wrong.

And yeah, I did say you people.

It's because I'm in London now.

Don't worry, I'll change my tone next week.

That's right.

That is very much a tide that you want to pick your towel up and run away from, rather than one that you want to see coming in and think, I'll just get the surfboard.

The nominations for March Hockey of the Month plow onwards.

This nomination comes from Anne Anderson who offers two suggestions.

The first being Richard III.

He is best known as the hunch-backed lurching villain in Shakespeare's play, right?

Richard has long been suspect number one in the presumed murder of his two young nephews, who would have been the true heirs to the throne had Richard not already stripped him of the right of secession.

While the murder of the two boys aged 10 and 13 for political gain certainly seems an exceptionally vile crime to modern eyes, it must be pointed out in Richard's Richard's defence that the two little sods would have passed away from old age by now anyway.

Tragically, she writes, Richard's relative hotness cannot be adequately judged by his surviving portraits, since they were retouched in the range of the Tudors to make Richard look shiftier and presumably somewhat lumpy.

Nevertheless, I predict a strong voter turnout for Richard, especially in the niche demographic of female voters aged 18 to 34 who write steamy love letters to jail psychopathics looking for hot prison action.

And you all thought Joanna was mad.

I can already hear the sultry purr of hundreds of deranged libidos.

Ooh, a child murderer who looks gorgeous in black velvet.

Yes.

But I know I can change him.

A hottie, a hottie.

My kingdom for a hottie, indeed.

Oh, that's very good.

And it would be the best, were it not for Darren Straker from Toulouse in France.

He says, you're missing a classic, the generously proportioned, blonde-bounced, blue-eyed, jackboot-enamoured Doyenne of the British Union of Fascists.

Her motto, No Shirts Too Brown for Us, and Rah Ra Girl for the Nazis.

The one, the only Unity Valkyrie Mitford.

A woman, so bonkers, she claimed she was born in Swastika, Ontario, an old gold mining town somewhere in the vast wastelands of Canada.

When her birth certificate said London, this was a woman the British SIS called more Nazi than the Nazis, which, all things considered, is quite an achievement.

She's a contender, lads.

Every barking, mad, Nazi, bonking bit of her.

That's a strong outfit.

That's a big nomination.

That's a hell of a form.

Very strong.

Sport now

and world punching people in the face champion Floyd Mayweather

has just competed in WrestleMania 24.

We don't know what happened in that because we were recording before that's truly momentous event.

And we also won't have watched it even when it has happened.

So in fact, we'll never know.

The timing is not important.

I just think WrestleMania is a debilitating illness that people are too embarrassed to talk about.

And the sooner they find a cure for it, the better.

I don't like you trivialising it.

This is a major cross-code matchup, Andy.

Boxing and wrestling.

Ripping the dignity out of both, although one has little to lose.

One.

Good, sad point.

But this surely is going to trigger a lot of cross-sporting matchups over the next few months.

I'd like to see Roy Jones Jr.

take on Colin Montgomery.

Roy is quick around the ring, yes, but is he quick enough to stop Colin Montgomery smashing golf balls at him?

I'd also like to see the Kentucky Derby and skeet shooting coming together, horses loaded into catapults and fired across a countryside sky.

First in the finish, without being shot, is the winner.

And the Chicago Bulls basketball team will be taking on actual bulls at the running of the bulls in Pamplona.

Oh, very good.

This is the one we all want to see, particularly from the British interest.

Will the young British basketball player Luol Deng be quite so good when he's being gored by a rampaging Spanish bull.

That'll be a real test of the boy.

He's done very well so far.

I'd like to see the combination of NASCAR and figure skating.

Yes, those cars are quick, but can they land a double axle under pressure if Handel's water music plays?

I don't know, but it'll be fun to find out.

And American football star Antoine Randall L is rumoured to be in talks to be used as a racing car in this year's Le Monde 24-hour race.

Apparently, he's going to be driven by a team led by Audi's Emmanuel Epirot,

despite concerns over Randall L's ability to last 24 hours at speeds of over 200 kmh.

And the England cricket team, fresh from their brutal, triumphant slaughtering of the unofficial world champions New Zealand, are to take on the American former ice dance champion Michelle Kwan in a bare-knuckle fight to the death.

Bugle listeners, thank you for wading through the irrelevant preliminary 28 to 35 minutes of the podcast.

Now we get to the meaty stuff.

It's the audio cryptic crosswords.

And it's 21 across this week.

It's nine letters long, John.

It's split into two words of six.

Two words.

Let me write this down.

Yep, write this down.

I'm definitely involved in this.

And this clue really evokes a domestic scene.

And it's this, John.

Yep.

Eating an alien for supper.

Oh, what?

We'd better use the china we were given for our wedding but have never used.

Okay.

Is it Apple?

It's not, John.

Oh, right.

Well, I'm out then.

And finally, the bugle forecast.

And this week, it's an April Fool's forecast.

We are forecasting the number of husbands who try to explain getting caught in bed with another woman by calling April Fool at their wives.

John, how many do you think it's going to be?

16.9 million.

That's about average for April Fool's Day.

Best day of the year to have an affair.

I'm going to go with around 8.9 million.

I think it's going to be a quiet year.

Okay.

Well, it's a recession.

It's the ultimate extravagance.

So, that's it from the one and only all London bugle.

John, has it been a different experience for you?

It has been a different experience.

Has it been a good experience?

It's been an okay one.

Okay.

So you don't think doing the bugle surrounded by thousands of years of

culture.

There's too much history.

I find it crushing.

Yeah.

I find it my chest tightens.

It just feels like there's too much behind us to even go forward.

That's what I like about America.

The new world.

There's basically f

to think about.

Well, have a nice flight back, John.

Thanks, Andy.

I'm flying out of Heathrow, so I'll see you in London next week.

We will be recording next week's podcast from a secure cell at Heathrow, where John will be punching the walls in frustration.

Bye.

Cheerio!

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.