Who's The Least Democratic Of Them All?

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers, welcome to issue 20 of The Bugle, the world's pioneering audio newspaper for the week beginning Monday, March the 10th, 2008.

With me, Andy Zoltzmann in London and in New York City an ill John Oliver.

John exactly how ill are you?

I think I'm dying Andy.

Can you make it through the podcast?

Well I can't guarantee it but seeing as this could be the last time we speak to each other is there anything you'd like to say to me?

Have you still got my pen that I left in your flat when I was in New York?

Really?

That's it.

All the things that we've been through, Andy, and it's the pen you want to say.

A pen's a pen, John.

Yeah, that's true.

You've been ill, haven't you, anyway, during a bugle.

So, who has the best immune system?

It's still about one all, I think.

I'm iller now than you've ever been.

That is possibly true.

So, what we're asking you, bugle listeners, can you diagnose John's illness?

He hasn't been to see a doctor, he's just been sitting in his flat whinging to himself.

What is wrong with John?

Do email

email in your diagnosis and suggested treatment.

I can give you a hint.

Everything's wrong with me.

Everything.

I have all symptoms.

So just from John's vocal body language, can you tell what's wrong with him?

Whichever illness gets the most votes is what John's got, or if it isn't, I'll get a doctor friend of mine to inject him with it anyway.

That is how democracy works.

So do try and soldier through, John.

As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin.

This week, a celebrity military travel supplement.

Following in the footsteps of Hannibal and the Carthaginians, Eric Clapton drives a herd of elephants across the Alps, leading to traffic chaos, an animal cruelty conviction and an elephant crashing into a chalet while snowboarding.

And new coach Joe Girardi puts on his Napoleon hat and makes the New York Yankees march to Moscow in the middle of winter.

Also in the bin, to mark the repeal of the blasphemy laws in Britain, the Bugle presents the first in our series of free pieces of blasphemy with which we will be teasing all the world's major gods.

Week one, Zeus.

Here it is.

Zeus, you're a real wiener.

I wouldn't worship you if you turned yourself into a swan and schlabogled me.

Schlabogled?

Yeah.

What on earth does that mean?

It's an old Greek term.

It's the only language he understands.

Top story this week, and democracy is everywhere.

Democracy shoots have been sprouting out across the globe this week.

Democracy is blooming, Andy, and it's time for it to be fully pollinated.

In Russia, in a result which shocked absolutely nobody, Dmitry Medvedev won a landslide victory in Russia's presidential election.

He says that he hopes to work in an effective tandem with Vladimir Putin.

But make no mistake, Putin sees Medvedev as sitting very much on the back of that tandem bike.

Putin will be doing the steering.

Medvedev will be doing the unstopped pedaling work.

Good throwing in some extra wise into his name there, Charlie.

Yeah, I think that's how you pronounce it, though.

Is it not Medvedev?

I think it's Medvedev.

Is it?

I think it is.

The tennis player was Medvedev.

But

it is hard to say.

I think it's Medvedev.

Because I think it's going to say it deeper than you were saying it.

You've got to put on the Russian accent.

Yeah,

it's almost impossible to say unless you say it in a Russian accent.

Medvedev is very stumble.

Medvedev.

It's much easier to pronounce Russian names after drinking a bottle of vodka.

Medvedev, my name is Dmitry Medvedev.

There you go.

We're learning a new language.

It's also a voice you can do while you're ill as well.

My name is Dmitry Medvedev, and I am not well.

Not at all well.

As John said, the outgoing president Vladimir Putin won a landslide victory in the election standing under the pseudonym of Dmitry Medvedev.

Putin romped to a massive win and said he was delighted to have the chance to work with the new Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin.

Putin said he'd always dreamed of working with Putin and was honoured to have the chance.

Putin, meanwhile, welcomed Putin to the Kremlin and said he was a worthy successor to himself.

Putin thanked himself and added that he would be his own man.

It's not Vladimir Putin in charge anymore, he said.

It's Vladimir Putin.

There were reports of widespread irregularities, surprise, surprise, plus some bizarre incentives.

They were handing out baseball caps to first-time voters as they were concerned that a low voter turnout would draw criticism from other members of the G8.

There was also cheap food stalls in all polling stations.

That is just what the ancient Greeks had in mind when they invented democracy Andy.

Cheap food and baseball caps.

And probably a bit of nude wrestling as well.

What a system.

The communist candidate Gennady Zuganov won the silver medal with 17% of the vote.

That's someway behind the Putin Medvedev, 70%.

And Zyuganov complained that the election was unfair.

Now, bear in mind he is the communist candidate.

Presumably, at that point, someone gave him an illustrated history of the Soviet Union, having written on the inside, Dear Gennady, what was it that you thought was unfair again?

Well done for coming second.

So who is this new world leader that we're all about to enjoy?

Well, Medvyadiv is

here are some facts about him.

He's actually a huge fan of Deep Purple, who play, it's true, who played the Kremlin on his instigation in February this year.

He became a massive fan of British 70s rock music years and years ago.

And for some reason, I find that worrying.

I'm not sure I want a G8 leader humming smoke on the water to himself as he leaves through the nuclear coat.

Really?

I think that's probably better better than being a big fan of 80s British rock.

That's true.

That's true.

Well done, Andy.

You've seen the positive in it.

That's right.

I just think Def Leopard's music contains coded incentives to start a nuclear war.

Is that another band that signifies your music taste as a child, actually?

To be honest, my brother was more into the leopard than me.

But, you know, I can do a bit of leopard every now and again.

What a household that must have been.

So what is it that counts for Vladimir Putin's extraordinary popularity?

He has got an 80% approval rating in the opinion polls.

Those are the kind of numbers that other leaders around the world can only dream of, and quite a remarkable achievement, even for a man with a vice-like grip on his nation's media.

So what do you think it is about Vladimir John that really gets Russian people excited?

Well, I mean,

he's got all the necessary ingredients.

He's got complete control of the national press.

He has access to a very aggressive secret police.

I mean, yes, they like him, but they have to like him.

And deep down, I think they know and respect that.

I think maybe also it could be simply that Putin, whose grandfather incidentally was Lenin and Stalin's chef, how many of us can claim to have done that?

Is that true?

That is true, John.

I know I do lie a lot.

That is.

Well, that's the problem.

Yeah, I don't know where the truth ends and the lies begin.

Yeah, his grandfather cooked sausages for Lenin.

But Putin used to work for the KGB, and he does look like the kind of man who, had he been born 50 or so years earlier, would have nodded and said, yes, Stalin, before walking purposefully out of the room and looking at a train timetable.

Apparently, Putin still sleeps with a cuddly toy of a bee under his pillow, which he calls KG, and who he pretends is KG.

Maybe a nostalgia as well, John, for Putin's quirky autocratic ways.

Just remind people of a time when the Cold War was the best sitcom on world television, albeit with its slightly repetitive plot structure of, I'm going to throw a nuclear bomb at you, no, I'm going to throw a nuclear bomb at you, grr, grrr.

Oh, neither of us really means it.

So I think people hanker for those days.

And maybe they just admire the straight-talking way that he has with the press.

He responded to recent accusations that he is in fact the richest man in Europe on the back of exploiting his country's resources.

Vlad replied, This is plain bosh.

They have picked this in their noses and have smeared this across their pieces of paper.

Now that is how to deal with the media.

That should be entry one in how to respond to the media for all Western politicians.

Don't just pussyfoot around saying, trust me, I'm nice.

Go in two-footed.

I don't care whether whether the accusation is true or not.

I want to see these politicians that I pay for financially and spiritually reply to a newspaper allegation by saying, Where did you get this information?

Oh, I know.

It fell out of a passing seagull's arse and you'd read it off your car windscreen before making your dog eat the entire windscreen and forcing it to vomit it straight back up into your notebook.

Good research, Bernstein.

That's what I want to see, John.

We can build a better world.

Yeah, you're right.

That will make it a lot easier to swallow.

It's not just in Russia that democracy has been waving its tentacles around.

In America, it's all been kicking off, John.

What a week for American democracy.

It's been getting a bit nasty on the Democratic side.

Hillary Clinton ran an adver which seemed to suggest that Barack Obama will snatch your children from their beds as they sleep just because he's a bit inexperienced.

Well, that's right.

I mean, she's had quite a comeback.

Her campaign recently had a priest following it around, ready to issue it the last rite, but it it has spluttered back to life.

Her rebound success has been chalked down to a series of attack ads.

One surrounding a telephone saying it's 3 a.m.

in the White House, the phone is ringing.

Who do you want to answer it?

I'll tell you who I want to answer that phone, Andy.

A secretary, an employed secretary, or some kind of switchboard operator.

I don't want a president manning the phones.

They have far more important work to do.

Who's got the direct number of the president anyway?

And why are they abusing it at 3 in the morning?

Because this whole thing was about your children being safe and asleep in their beds in the middle of the night.

But if it's at 3am,

I want someone to answer the phone in the White House who isn't going to put the phone down and then ring me straight up saying, are your children still safe and asleep?

Well, you'd better wake them up.

Sudan's kicking off.

I want them to deal with it and not involve my sleeping children in a global catastrophe.

Is that too much to ask?

It's good to see a bit of old-fashioned scaremongering coming into the election campaign at last because there's been a real lack of it.

So far, and that's what democracy is all about, John, enabling the public to choose which made-up stories they want to be genuinely spooked by.

The Democrats can now concentrate on doing what they do best, completely destroying themselves.

In this week of democracy, what reflects the democratic process better than the looming prospect of superdelegates?

Just under 800 individuals with the power to vote directly against the will of the people.

In Russia, it seemed that only one vote was important, that vote being Vladimir Putin.

In the US, it's 794 superdelegates, which makes America 794 times more democratic than Russia.

And when you put it like that, it doesn't actually sound too bad.

I think it's part of the reason as well why we've got excited about it in Britain, John, because

we basically don't have elections anymore in Britain.

The last two general elections were foregone conclusions.

And the current leader, Gordon Brown, was elected after a poll in which only two people voted, Brown and his predecessor Tony Blair, at a secret dinner 13 years in advance.

Now, understandably, that didn't really capture the public imagination.

So we're kind of vicariously getting our fix of democracy through America, which is great.

And also, it's only the second election since 1976 not to feature a member of the Bush family as a presidential or vice-presidential candidate.

So, I think the world is just trying to enjoy that while it can, because there are plenty more Bushes where George W came from.

They actually breed them on a secret ranch in Texas, and the ones that don't make it are sold for scrap to the Chinese.

Kind of organ trade.

But Bush, in fact, backed McCain, or semi-backed McCain this week, the now official Republican presidential candidate.

This is the man who he said was mentally unstable after his experiences as a prisoner of war, and also that he fathered a black baby.

Can you really endorse someone who you've treated like that?

Well, no, you can't.

So he didn't.

Instead, favouring a painfully awkward photo opportunity on the White House steps.

And this week, Iran is voting.

on Friday in a general legislative election, but their campaign is only one week long.

Now surely this is more of a justification for a military invasion than any suggested nuclear weapons programme.

They've got democracy John but they're not stringing it out long enough and they need to be taught a lesson.

Reports have suggested that more than 90% of independent and reformers candidates in Iran have been disqualified from standing.

Now I'm sure those conducting the candidate vetting process are keeping reform-minded candidates off the ballot paper for perfectly reasonable and above-board reasons.

Maybe they're helping them spend more time with their families.

Or perhaps they realise that democracy is flawed and these would-be candidates might find a more rewarding hobby.

We just don't know.

Also, posters with candidates' pictures on have been banned because the government says they're wasteful and lead to a costly and boring post-election clean-up, which is a magnificent reason

for banning posters.

That is a great way of suppressing the will of the people.

It's just it's it's hard to tidy up afterwards.

I appreciate that.

At least make an effort.

They're also apparently planning to block internet access on polling day for reason,

given that, you know, just to make sure it's okay.

Yeah.

Well, that's pretty much it.

Their quote is that this will ensure unimpeded internet access for the government.

How does other people having internet access impede their access?

That's just not how the internet works.

Well, that's the end of our lead news section.

So it's time for an update on John's medical condition.

John, what's the latest?

Well I'm definitely getting worse.

Right.

I'm definitely getting worse.

About 10 minutes ago, I think the adrenaline of actually being outside the house for the first time in a couple of days was getting me through.

Now that adrenaline has died away and I'm on the slow slide towards oblivion.

If you offered at this stage of the recording, John,

a choice of

not surviving the podcast, but dying before the next clue in the audio cryptic crossword,

or surviving and making a full recovery, but having to listen to that clue, what would you choose?

Oh, it would kill me.

Kill me now.

Other news now, and the British Parliament has voted not to hold a referendum on the new EU treaty.

For those of you who haven't been following this story, here is a summary of the Europe referendum argument.

Those in favour of a referendum say that we do need a referendum.

Those against the referendum hit back by saying, No, we don't need a referendum, case closed.

So it's pretty hard to know who to side with on this one, uh John.

It's a very complicated issue.

All three political parties in Britain, see America, three parties, it can be done, well, it can almost be done, uh are facing splits over the issue of uh this referendum on the Lisbon Treaty, and it just proves nothing splits people in Britain more than Europe.

We uh I I think we've had a fraught relationship with Europe ever since the Romans marched in and teased us for painting our faces blue.

And since then there's been a level of scepticism.

But I I don't think it needs to come to a full break up yet, Andy.

Britain's relationship with Europe just needs some attention.

What Europe has to understand is that we've been hurt before.

We got dumped pretty hard in the fifties and sixties by a series of angry colonies.

But I guess uh John that the anti-European uh side in Britain would say that the last time they checked their history books, which was probably about five minutes ago, every time Britain's been invaded in its sparkling, sparkling history, it's been by a member of the EU.

The Romans, EU.

The Vikings, mostly EU, the Normans, EU, and, of course, Argentina, who had a crack at us in 1982, but luckily missed by 15,000 miles.

Andy.

Yep.

Argentina is not in the EU.

They're basically Spain.

I can't argue with that.

It's like the old song goes, Andy, Britain and Europe sitting in a tree, A-R-G-U-I-N-G.

The ones who have stayed with us, like Gibraltar and the Falklands, have just got progressively clingy and needy.

And what do we get in return?

Monkeys and penguins.

That's pretty much it.

Nothing we haven't already got in the middle of Regions Park.

Is it any wonder that we're a little slow to trust anyone?

I think when it comes to the Euro, John, most of Britain is still very much in the no-camp.

in a very reactionary teepee.

The average British response to being asked whether or not we should take the Euro is to say, when you ask me whether Britain should join the Euro, what you're really asking me is whether Britain should join the Deutsche Mark.

The answer was no in 1941.

It remains no now.

I don't think as a nation we've advanced from that position.

What people object to about Europe, Andy, though, is the laws they're constantly trying to push through, such as all bananas must be straight, you can't feed cows to cows, and prawn cocktail crisps must contain prawns with both cocks and tails.

Is that unreasonable?

Is that unreasonable?

That's only fair.

Be honest.

But how far do you think Europe intends to take over Britain?

Because it does seem like they are taking over, John and I.

There's absolutely nothing we can do about it now.

I mean, as it is, I think it's a matter of time before we all have to phone Brussels twice a day to let them know what we're doing and when we're going to be home.

But there are these rumours about all these new things they're bringing in.

Apparently, Brussels created an official single European body language, language, which is a combination of the Gaelic shrug, the Italian preen, the Lithuanian jiggle, and the Danish twitch.

I didn't realise they were such a twitchy people.

Also, apparently, Brussels will insist that the ingredients of the Great British Sausage will no longer be covered by the Official Secrets Act.

So, that's bad news for the British icon, the sausage.

Well, I'll tell you the ingredients without sausage, Andy, Britain.

Britain and offal.

And also, apparently, the EU is paying 100,000 civil servants to conduct a study on whether or not there is too much bureaucracy in the EU.

But part of the problem clearly is the language barrier across Europe, and there is a simple answer to this.

Esperanto.

Sure, you're not going to turn to Esperanto if you want to write poetry or any great literature, or indeed say anything with any kind of style.

But when you're asking for directions, no one likes a poet.

Just draw me a map and engage me in grammatically simple small talk.

And if we don't sign up, Andy, if we don't sign up to this treaty, we will regress to the point before the Romans invaded with hordes of tribal barbarians terrorising town centres.

Britain will become so irrelevant that it will sink, will be reclassified as a third world country, and will, under international law, therefore be legally subjected to natural disasters such as earthquakes, tidal waves, and famine.

Britain will become more and more isolated, developing loner tendencies until it's a wisened old country left standing on the cliffs of Dover, shouting at ships in the English Channel.

We have to sign.

But I think the people should decide, John.

I think in fact we should have a referendum on whether or not we should have a referendum.

And I think that is the solution that will suit everyone.

Yeah, that's true.

That's Uber democracy.

And in business news, which no one really understands, the EU fined Microsoft one point three billion recently.

That is simply not enough for Microsoft to feel anything.

You cannot possibly hurt them financially.

About five years ago when they were first ordered to split, their shares went up the next day.

If you really want to hurt Bill Gates, force him into a social situation.

I have never met anyone more socially awkward than him, Andy, and I've met myself.

Any punishment for him should be on the lines of forcibly inviting him to a dinner party.

You'd really get him to make concessions then.

Now, you don't need me to tell you that March the 8th was International Women's Day.

So, here at the Bugle, where we are one of the only podcasts on the internet to allow women listeners, we present the Bugle Woman section.

Ooh, how delightful.

It's been a great week for women.

The president of Turkmenistan, Kurbanguly, Berdie Mukamadov,

is giving a fiver to all women in his country to mark International Woman's Day.

The money will be handed out of a special government truck which will drive through Turkmenistan, shoving folded-up banknotes furtively into women's palms whilst the PA system blasts out, there you are, sweet cheeks, go buy yourself something nice.

And a mechanical arm tweaks the recipient's left buttock.

President Berdie Mukamedov has also announced government incentives to persuade women to have at least eight children.

A $250 present from the government will plop out alongside baby number eight.

Just when you thought it couldn't get much worse to be a woman over there, now they're being encouraged to spit out babies like it's a competition.

This is this is not unprecedented.

The Soviet Union after World War II awarded medals to those women who had five or more children.

A medal is a lot less good than cold hard cash.

And there must have been a lot of youngest children with four brothers and sisters looking at their parents and saying, it was for the medal, wasn't it?

You had me for the medal.

Well, I hope it was worth it.

And an Iranian woman has been awarded 124,000 roses by a court.

Her husband has been ordered to give his wife these 124,000 flowers, which he promised to her when they got married 10 years ago.

The authorities have seized possession of the man's flat until he gives all of those flowers to his wife, which would cost him £37,000 if he buys them off the guy who stands in the middle of the A40 in London, flogging bunches of roses to guilty businessmen.

This is absolutely my favourite court ruling of the week, Andy.

And she said that she's calling this in due to his stinginess.

That's a direct quote.

Stinginess.

It's good to know that there's a direct translation in Farsi for stinginess.

See, we're not as different as we seem.

The husband has offered to buy five roses a day, but the court has ordered that he give them all at once.

Which, if I was the recipient, I'd probably want the five a day.

But I'm sure that the court only did this just to see at what point the donation of roses to a loved one ceases to be romantic and tips over into being first a logistical issue and subsequently an ecological disaster.

You shouldn't have, darling.

Well, I had to.

You made me.

Beauty and fashion tips now.

John, what do you think is going to be in this spring?

Oh,

I'm guessing just standard makeup and hair and

clothes with

bright colours and some not so bright.

I don't know, Andrew.

I've got no idea.

What about hemlines, John?

How do you think they're going to go up or down?

Do you mean up or down?

I don't know.

Maybe

I'm going to say

up

a bit, but you're barely going to notice it.

What are you going to do?

We're going to more or less stick.

They're happy with where hemlines are.

What are you going to be wearing this spring, John?

Hemlines.

Just hemlines.

Just hemlines.

Yes, just

hemlines.

Everywhere.

And now for our female listeners in this special woman section, a four-step guide to how to get your makeup just right.

1.

Make sure your lipstick does not corrode human flesh.

The last thing you want on a hot date is the searing pain of your mouth disintegrating.

And it's also the last thing your date will want to have to watch.

2.

If you make a mistake when putting mascara on, stay calm.

Do not fly into a frenzy of rage and gouge your eyes out with an oyster knife.

3.

If you want to emphasise your cheekbones, try drawing arrows on your face in marker pen, pointing at the cheekbones, and then shouting at your date, look at my cheekbones, loser, not at my norks.

And 4.

If you want to make sure your makeup looks perfect to impress your man, try it out on a mouse first.

If the mouse starts crying, you'll bang on the money.

And so we don't alienate our male listeners.

Here is a Bugle Woman quiz for men.

We have here two likes and two dislikes of women.

Can you tell which are which?

Which are likes and which are dislikes?

One, increased gender equality in society as a whole.

Two, the elemental agony of childbirth.

Three, the ability to combine a rewarding career and home life.

And four, the menopause and the slow, inevitable decline into the inescapable chasm of death that it ominously foreshadows.

So which two do women like and which two don't they like?

Email yourself with the answers.

And if you get them right, you win a woman.

And now, Bugle emails.

Unfortunately, John has been too ill to read your emails this week.

I can't do it.

I'm sorry.

I just couldn't do it.

It was hurting my eyes.

Everything hurts.

Everything hurts.

Are you well enough to listen to some of the emails, John?

Um

I'll try without throwing.

If I'd throw up, it's not because of your email, it's because of my deep, deep illness.

Well, this email came from Matt Reynolds in Eaglescliffe in England regarding the prediction last week that you made, John, that there would be 17 animals killed around the world by roadkill this week.

Oh, yeah.

Matt writes, Hello.

Supporting your research into how many animals have been killed on the roads this week, I wish to submit the number I have seen.

By simply getting other bugle listeners to do the same, we can quickly find out how many animals have been killed in the whole world.

It's true, that's true.

I have seen none.

There was a dead bird, but it was on a cycle path, so I don't think it counts.

It doesn't count.

So, if we extrapolate Matt's findings, that means there have been no roadkill deaths in the world this week, which means that, John, you won the prediction.

Oh, fantastic.

Who would have thought that after your

cynical guessing in that competition?

I'm not sure that Matt's actually been out on any roads this week.

I might have to appeal the decision.

That's not the point.

That's not the point, is it?

You can't argue with statistics.

That is true.

And this email comes from Matthew Eccle in Washington, D.C., who writes, Dear Bugle, regarding your question about arranging rematches, I'd like to see another bout between Gaius Julius Caesar and Gaius Pompey Magnus.

During their famous civil war, Pompey dealt Caesar a defeat in their first matchup at Dirachium.

But Caesar managed to counter with a a stunning upset in their second fight at Pharsalis.

Pompey, leaving behind the remains of his destroyed army, fled to Egypt to prepare for the tiebreak.

Unfortunately, while there, he was murdered by agents of King Ptolemy XIII.

This can only be seen as a case of flagrant fan interference, depriving audiences of what could have been one of history's great title match-ups.

If you could see a way to setting up this epic clash, I'd be very appreciative.

I understand the logistics involved in recreating the geographic, economic, and political structures of early Imperial Rome might be a little bit daunting, but well worth it to answer once and for all the question of who the true Imperator really is.

Thanks, Matthew.

That's probably the most detailed email about the Caesar-Pompey Civil War incidents that has ever been sent in the history of the internet.

Well done.

Who would you fancy in that decisive match, John?

I'd go with Caesar, Andy.

I think he's got the home court advantage there.

Well, this will perk you up, John.

It's hotties from history.

Oh, oh, oh, hold on.

You're feeling better now.

Stirring deep down inside me.

Yep.

This comes from John Waite,

who describes himself as a history buff.

Is that possibly John Waite who kept Wicket for South Africa in the 1950s?

I think it's probably not, Andy, but carry on.

All right.

Who writes, did you know that the nominated hottie, Joanna the Mad, who of course was Miss February, lugged her dead husband, Philip the Handsome, around with her for years after he died.

There you go, ladies.

That's proper devotion.

Apparently, she was a bit odd before her husband popped his clogs, but her refusal to bury him long after he'd lost his looks confirmed to her mum and dad, Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain, that their daughter was going to be a problem.

I don't see anything wrong with that.

It's nice to have memorized.

I'm going to put that in my will, Andy.

I want to be dragged around by my wife.

It's the least she could do.

But this is before we had photos, John.

You know, because now you just have it, you have a photo album.

In those days, if you wanted to keep a keepsake, you pretty much had to keep the entire festering corpse.

Yeah, exactly.

Did you keep on a lock of his hair?

Or do you think, well, if I'm going to do that, I might as well keep his whole head.

There's a great nomination from Mark Patch from Boston, Massachusetts, who says, Monsieurs, Saltzman and Oliver, I would like to throw in my nomination for what is surely the greatest hotties from history season we've seen in recent memory with such fastidious contenders as Florence Hotlips Nightingale and Joanna Batchett Insane the Mad.

However, my girl is the one and only Eleanor Roosevelt who is a real piece of Great Depression ass.

What a sentence.

But her winning personality qualities really make her.

She had the good taste to know a real man when she saw one.

Even if he was her cousin and had fashion sense shared by the penguin from Batman.

She knew that, unlike that media darling Jackie Kennedy, first ladies should be unattractive and supportive of their husbands' dictatorial quest for supreme government authority.

And, best off, since she and FDR sired six children, she clearly had a few tricks of us.

Push through, John.

Push through.

She clearly had a few tricks.

Say it, John.

Obviously.

Say what's on the email.

I'm not sure I can.

To get the wheelchair-bound president rocking.

I can only fantasize now about her polio-busting hands and/or feet.

Oh my goodness.

That is both a hilarious and a reprehensible email.

Tallest First Lady in history, Eleanor Roosevelt.

There, that's my facts, my height fact of the day.

It's interesting, there have been quite a lot of first ladies nominated, and this suggests to me that Americans as a whole are very patriotic when fancying people who are long dead.

And this is proved by Ben Gaines, who writes, As one of your loyal American listeners, I've been sorely disappointed to hear that you've neglected what is, in my opinion, one of the most scorching sex kittens ever to grace God's green earth.

Betsy Ross, the sweet little red, white, and blue slice of apple pie who designed the American flag, is my candidate for hotty from history.

This spicy firebrand survived three husbands, who no doubt died of exhaustion, sowed the first stars and stripes to be hoisted up the nation's flagpoles, and raised many a flagpole herself, if you know what I mean.

She put up flagpoles?

Yeah, that must be what he meant.

Let's not read between the lines.

She may have been dug up twice already to be buried with greater honours each time, but this tasty bit of historical hotness makes me wonder if the third time might not be the charm, whatever that means.

With her on my mind, it's not my heart that I cover with my hat every time I stand for the national anthem.

Respectfully.

Ben Gaines from Massachusetts.

You can't write an email like that and end it with respectfully.

You don't get to do that.

That is, I'm convinced, that is my favourite for March.

Do keep your nominations for Hottie from History and other emails coming into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

And I will round up the best of the rest, I promise, in the Bugle blog.

It will be making its long-awaited return.

It's just, I've been having a few arguments with the blog, and it

ran away for a few days last week.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

But it rang just before the recording to say it's all right.

I'll just clear the air.

Yep, sounds good.

Okay.

Sport now.

And it's that time of year when French restaurants in Gloucestershire hold fire on their specials board until they see how many fallers there are in the 340.

It's Cheltenham Festival time.

And if there's one thing that's become synonymous with the Great Festival in recent years, John, it's horses falling over and dying.

So much.

Sure has.

So much talent wasted.

Last year, the 12-1 shot Sausage McGraw had to be put down after getting bored at the fifth, leaving a half-written autobiography and an unfinished expose about illegal gambling.

Tragic.

It's all the old saying goes, you haven't had a Cheltenham Festival unless you've had a field of horse corpses.

The star horse Kato Starr has courted controversy this week.

He's been accused of racist comments to a grey horse in the gallops on Thursday.

But after an investigation, he has apologised and has been cleared to run in the Gold Cup.

I don't know about that.

I think you've got to stamp it out.

I think you've got to stamp it out of the paddock.

I think you've got to set an example.

Yeah.

So to mark the Cheltenham Festival, here is an audio tarpaulin for you to play really loud to camouflage the sound of a bolt gun being discharged into a fallen horse.

And also next weekend, the Formula One season will begin.

Who is going to win, John?

To me, the McLaren Mercedes MP423 is going to be a very hard car to beat.

But if anyone can do it, it could be the Ferrari F2008.

That's a car with real ambition and a biz

and a burning desire to win the f2008 has already started trying to get under the mp423's paintwork with some derogatory comments at press conferences it'll be interesting to see how that pans out over the season of course Renault's R28 really loves playing to the crowds and if it can keep its mind on the track instead of trying to impress passing motorcycles it could have a great season but i think the character of the season could well be the honda ra108 which is great value in interviews so let's hope there's a few podium finishes for that car i think it's only fair, Andy, that Formula One should be subjected to the same rules as horse racing, and that if a car crashes, that driver should be shot in the head with a bolt gun.

That is pretty much effectively what happened in the 1970s.

And people loved racing then.

Yeah.

So, what I'm saying is, let's bring it back.

Lewis Hamilton crashes out at the third corner.

Uh-oh.

Well, it's the kindest thing to do.

John?

Yep.

Are you still alive?

I think so.

Well, it's the audio-cryptic crossword.

Oh, no.

Well, if I'm technically alive, I've certainly died inside.

This week's clue is 22 down.

It's five letters long, and to mark International Women's Day, it's a clue that really goes to the heart of the trust and loyalty necessary for a successful marriage.

And that clue is this: Odysseus' wife drops her writing implements to run away with another man.

Five letters long.

There you go.

Feeling better, John?

Be strong.

I can't feel anything.

I suppose that's technically better.

So that brings us kicking and wheezing to the end of this week's bugle.

So do email us in your diagnoses for John's medical condition and we will tell you next week, if he's still here, whether or not you were right.

In fact, that's this week's prediction.

John, are you going to be alive for next week's bugle?

Well, I don't know, Andy.

I don't know.

I mean,

I can't possibly say that.

But what I will definitely be is here for the next bugle.

Oh, right.

Now, whether that's from beyond the grave or not, I don't know.

So, what you're saying, you'll be there spiritually, or will your still warm corpse actually be dragged into the recording studio?

That's what I'm saying, because what did I say?

I'm going to exercise the Joanna the Mad principle here.

And drag your corner.

I wish my corpse to be dragged around.

So, I will be attending this recording.

Even if you are talking to a festering corpse.

That's right.

A contract's a contract, and it's very good of you to see it out.

You're welcome, Andy.

I won't let you down.

Bye.

Bye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.