A Very British earthquake

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 19 of The Bugle, the world's only audio newspaper that we've heard of.

For the week beginning Monday, March the 3rd, 2008, with me, Andy Zoltzmann, now back safely in civilisation in the glorious city of London.

And in New York, it's John Oliver.

Hello, Buglers.

Hello, Andy.

Oh, it feels better to have an ocean between us.

It does.

A bugler's might have been interested.

I took Andy to a basketball game on Friday nights, the New York Knicks, and there was a guy behind us, I don't remember this, Andy.

who was arguing with the steward about whether they had any kosher food and it was on a Friday night.

Yeah, I can confirm that is true.

That was a man who really wanted to have it both ways.

Yeah, he wanted to have his Jewish cake and eat it at the wrong time of the week.

As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin.

This week to mark the launch of the UK's hilarious new point system for assessing the human worth of immigration seekers, the Bugle is offering its overseas listeners 10 free points to help you move into Britain.

These come in the form of this sentence.

I am a qualified brain surgeon.

So do use that when trying to get into Britain.

Also in the bin is our special audio debt collection service.

And the only place to start the biggest news story of the millennium so far.

Three massive atomic bombs have been detonated in England.

Or they might as well have been, because that is the equivalent force of the earthquake that ripped through Britain's crust, shaking the nation to its very core this week, leaving one man with a broken pelvis.

It was indeed the biggest earthquake to hit the UK for 25 years, causing a catastrophic zero deaths and one devastating injury, and yet it still managed to make international headlines.

It's hard to know why this is, possibly because the world is interested in what a British person sounds like when they're shaken.

Oh, goodness.

Oh, cracky.

What was that?

God said the queen.

It was exactly like that.

The British Geological Survey said the quake measured 5.2 on the Richter scale, although the Americans are claiming it was actually only 4.7.

Come on, America, let us have our drama.

Give us some credit.

You get tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, and even volcanoes.

This is all we've got left apart from unending drizzle.

Let us have our moment.

The quake was probably the most powerful earthquake ever recorded.

But such is the magnificent leonine strength of Britain as a nation that, unlike other countries who suffer earthquakes, we didn't make a fuss and run around begging for international help.

Because we are a tough people, John.

Just ask wolves.

They don't live here anymore because they couldn't handle it.

When the earthquake struck, Britain just straightened its tie, put its porcelain Queen Mother back on the mantelpiece and went back to bed.

Because we're British, not even the tectonic shifts of the Earth's crust can shake our national equilibrium.

So some have even tried to call this a natural disaster, but I think if the majority of your population sleep through it, you cannot call it a natural disaster.

And anyway, last time this happened, one British newspaper ran with the headline, Britain rocked by earthquake, which is a bit of an exaggeration and quite an insult to the people of Armenia, who I imagine were at home saying, Oh, pass me the phone, I must call Britain.

Hello, is that Britain?

I'm so sorry to hear that you were rocked by an earthquake.

I'm so sorry to hear that it rocked you.

I presume that you're using the word rock in the bon Jovi sense of the word, i.e., not actually rocking you very much at all.

In fact, while I've got you on the line, Bangladesh wanted to have a word.

They've heard it's been raining quite hard over there, and you've got some wet carpets.

They wanted to start an appeal for you at this difficult, damp time.

John, I thoroughly resent your implication about Bon Jovi.

You've clearly never heard bad medicine.

This will be a fascinating glimpse for buglers into Andy's teenage years.

And these two favourite bands were Bon Jovi and who was it?

It was Bony M.

Boney M.

Well, John, come on.

Quality's quality.

I wish I was joking, Buglers.

But I actually happened to have a tape recorder running in my bedroom when the devastating tremor struck.

Why?

You may well ask.

Well, in fact, I'm still keeping myself under strict surveillance as part of my personal anti-terror plan discussed on a Bugle some weeks ago.

Now, here is what my tape recorder picked up.

I want you to war

and war for me, Gotham.

Was that the voice of God, Andy?

That was.

That's exactly what the tape recorder picked up.

To be honest, I did have to soup that recording up a bit for broadcasts because, you know, I know our listeners today have very short attention spans.

So we've got to keep this exciting.

So I did slightly fabricate the recording.

This is actually the original recording.

For God's sake, play Peterson at three in one day internationals.

I think this captured the attention of the world's media because of the spectacular testimonies from survivors of the quake in Britain.

I've rarely been more proud to be British than watching these terrified citizens spewing forth in front of cameras.

And these are some of my favourites, Andy.

These are all real.

I cannot stress that enough.

Andy Senior from Lincolnshire said, I couldn't believe it.

Our dogs dogs were barking and our cockatoo was agitated.

They had an agitated cockatoo.

I think that's what Mexico City found when they got rocked in the 80s.

Agitated cockatoos everywhere.

But this is absolutely my favourite.

Margaret Mason from Harrow said, my first thought was that there was an intruder thumping about in my room.

My second thought was that it was a poltergeist.

I only realised some hours later there had been an earthquake.

Hold on.

Your second thought was that it was a poltergeist.

I'm now joined by a survivor of the earthquake for an exclusive interview.

That's you, Andy.

Oh, right.

Okay.

You are the survivor.

Yep.

You survived it.

I did, John.

So

how have you been since your near-death experience, Andy?

Well,

albeit not that near.

It's very difficult to talk about this.

It's all still a bit...

a bit raw.

Do you have a newfound respect for life now?

No.

If anything, anything, the opposite.

Finally,

how did you survive?

Do you have any survival tips for people who may be struck by earthquakes in the future?

You can't show fear, because that is what earthquakes prey on.

If they sense that you're afraid, they will be all over you like a rash.

So you've just got to exude confidence and maybe swear at the earthquake a bit, and soon enough it'll back off.

What did you say to the earthquake?

I just called it a total

In other news, Prince Harry at war.

News broke this week that Prince Harry, currently third in line to the throne, has spent the last 10 weeks on the front line in Afghanistan.

Officer Harry Windsor apparently has the military nickname the bullet magnet.

I bet that makes everyone around him laugh hysterically as they nervously glance around and duck.

There was a very strange media blackout deal between the British press and the military, which collapsed when the Drudge Report website in the US broke the story.

And I think this is still technically treason.

Well, it must be because Matt Drudge is currently in the Tower of London on Iraq, and apparently the Queen will be personally beheading him next week.

The Prince, third in line to the much coveted throne of the United Kingdom, has been waging war on evil for 10 weeks without anyone knowing.

The only clue is that a number of tabloid hacks have reported that they were experienced strange nagging sensations that they should be doing something but weren't able to place it until it became clear that the prince had been out of the country for almost three months so hopefully they'll make a full recovery.

It's been very difficult for them because they've been storing up all their odious reporting for 10 weeks now when they've known he's out there which means it really has all gushed out now in a horrific flood.

I think it's great news for Afghanistan.

It's been a tough last thousand years or so for that country and you know Prince Harry being there just a bit of glamour, isn't it?

Bit of showbiz for the people of Afghanistan.

Harry claimed that it was quote nice to be sort of a normal person for once, doing everyday normal things like controlling air traffic for military planes and engaging with Taliban fighters.

Kind of run-of-the-mill stuff we all do from time to time.

That's my Wednesday.

Yeah, well, apparently, the Queen had told him to go over there.

And he should have turned straight round and told her to go herself.

Queen Elizabeth, one of her ancestors, led Britain into battle on a horse.

When was the last time our Queen did that?

She should be out there riding around and shooting at people.

If she can't do in Afghanistan, she'd at least do it in London.

US election news now and Ralph Nader, the two-time bronze medalist in the US presidential election, is running again.

Can he go to better and win the gold?

John, what do you think?

Well, you're right, Andy.

Ralph Nader, the self-styled king of the seatbelt, and also the man many blame for Bush winning Florida and therefore the presidency and therefore everything that has happened since has announced that he's running for office once more.

Can he win it?

There's a short answer to that and a slightly longer one, Andy.

The short answer is no, he can't.

And the slightly longer one is no, of course he can't.

But John, he's got all the experience of running for president.

You know, he's run, what, four or five times?

No one really knows.

Surely that could prove decisive.

It could, but it won't.

The blaming of Nader by the Democrats for everything has always been a little bit extreme.

If you can't beat George W.

Bush in an election, then the fault is first with you, then with the people of Florida, rather than a consumer rights activist who took a mere 2% of the vote.

Yeah, but he took 97,000 in Florida and George W.

Bush won by 500.

But even so, I don't think it's right to blame Nader.

I think you should blame the 600 people who voted for David McReynolds of the Socialist Party USA.

I think those are the ones with blood on their hands.

That is true, John.

But that was the Democratic margin.

Yeah.

So David McReynolds is responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people.

Ralph Nader says he's doing this for the American people, for the concept of democracy, and out of an unquenchable thirst for attention.

Not necessarily in that order, and he didn't necessarily say the third one.

Particularly not because it contained the word unquenchable, which I don't believe exists, John.

I said unquenchable, didn't I?

You said unquenchable.

You chucked in a bonus syllable because you've been living in America too long, and that's what they do over there.

I'm British Andy.

If I say unquenchionable, that is now how that word is.

Ralph Nader said that he wants a revolution in America and he won't rest until there are 50-metre-high portraits of him in every American city and he can roll around in a tank with his face on the side of it all day, just firing into the air.

So good luck, Nader, in other election news.

Mike Gravelle is still hanging in there and he found a $10 bill on a bus, which is a real boost for his campaign's tight budget.

I think we'd all quite like to see Gravelle running for president.

And when you say we, really you just mean you, don't you?

I do mean you.

You would like to see that.

You would like to see Mike Gravelle.

I want to see if he's got the balls on going into the White House to do what he did in his election campaign video.

Stand by a lake for a couple of minutes, throw a rock into it, and walk away without saying anything.

Buglers should go to YouTube and type in Mike Gravel and Rock.

And I showed Andy this absolutely mystifying campaign video of Mike Gravelle's, which is borderline performance art.

Intolerance news now and the row over the Danish cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad has flared up again like an unwanted boil.

When is there a wanted boil?

I don't know, yeah, to impress a girl.

The Danish media reprinted the controversial doodle following the discovery of a plot to kill one of the cartoonists.

The Danish media then later attempted to put out a fire at a bus stop by dousing the bus stop with kerosene and throwing heat-resistant snakes into the resulting inferno.

And when it later that afternoon felt a bit of a headache coming on, the Danish media smashed itself on the head with an old Viking pickaxe.

So I'm sure everything will be alright.

Well done, everyone involved.

This was absolutely spectacular behaviour.

Is it somehow less bad the second time around?

Is there a loophole in the Quran?

So you can't have an image of the Prophet Muhammad, but you can if you've already had it.

Any copying is fine.

Could they not have claimed it was just a cartoon of someone who looks a bit like the Prophet Muhammad?

No, because no, you can't, Andy, you can't do that at all.

Right.

Because that already implies that he looks like something.

Okay, I see we're into troubled waters here, John.

Very troubled.

And I for one am not willing to canoe across them.

The anti-cartoon protesters, containing mainly of Danish Muslims, but also some people who just prefer photo montages, chanted, freedom of speech is like a plague.

as they exercised their freedom of speech, then sneezed and developed bubos under their armpits.

I think, John, that is an early entry for 2008's most far-fetched simile.

I would certainly just like to say well done to Denmark over this.

Well done.

You've managed to learn absolutely nothing from the last time.

And that's very difficult to do because you'd think you'd learn something from that, from having your embassies bombed.

But no, they've learnt nothing and I admire that.

The Sudanese government has said that Danes as a whole are no longer welcome in Sudan.

Oh, no.

Well, exactly.

The Danish diplomats scheduled to go to the Sudan will are seen high-fiving each other and trying to kiss that mermaid in Copenhagen.

Pets on Prozac.

It's the reality TV show we've all been waiting for.

Because apparently record numbers of pets are depressed and are being prescribed Prozac.

Special dog Prozac is getting prescribed in America.

Beef-flavoured antidepressants were introduced to the US market last year.

This is true.

And that just shows America's commitment to prescription drugs.

Even their dogs can get in on the act.

You know what they say?

A dog is like its owner, deeply neurotic.

There is nothing that prescription drugs can't solve.

This country's commitment to treating the symptom and not the cause is steadfast.

Probably get depressed because they have their bollocks hacked off to stop them trying to breed with furniture.

This has mainly become the case, this depression and this self-harm amongst pets with exotic birds.

And this, in a sense, I can understand, Andy, because if I'd be transported in a freight container from my natural habitat in Indonesia to a tiny cage in some old woman's bungalow in Basingstoke, I think I'd try to tear my own feathers out in frustration as well.

And horses get depressed when they watch the derby at the age of three and realise that their time has come and gone without them even realising.

Could it be though, Andy, that the animal kingdom is starting to look at what we're doing to the world and it just cannot cope anymore?

Polar bears are beginning to look at each other whilst balancing on tiny pieces of ice saying we've got a choice.

Either evolve as fast as we can and take over the the world, or prescription antidepressants.

And of course, you know what's going to happen, Andy.

They don't have the natural ambition to instigate the age of bears that they know they're capable of.

So instead, they'll crush up Prozac, mash it into a seal, and wolf it down.

In fact, there was a bird of paradise on a David Attenborough documentary I saw, Andy, which has started doing impressions of chainsaws, imitating, it's true, imitating the deforestation that it hears every day and thus singing of its own doom.

And now, it's time for the section of sections, Everybody's favorite.

Please welcome in the red, white and blue corner the American!

Yes, it is the long-awaited return of the Ask an American section.

I love this man.

This week, the American is joining us by phone from within the nose of Abraham Lincoln on Mount Rushmore, where he is communing with his nation's history.

Hello, American.

Hello, I I just want to clarify to the world.

I'm actually not in Abe Lincoln's nose.

That is absolutely false.

Oh, right, right.

I'm in Thomas Jefferson's eyelid.

Oh, sorry.

So it's a distinction.

I was actually in Abe Lincoln's nose, but I couldn't get cell service.

So I had to get up to Tommy Jay's eyelid over here.

Do you get better reception in Tommy Jay's eyes?

Well, you know, it's a higher altitude.

And I got one of these iPhones now, so I'm just

thrilled to be using it.

So you have to use it in an eye because it's an eye.

Oh, exactly.

Boom, right?

I'm here all week.

Hey, it's not called a nose phone, right, guys?

Hey, testify.

Hey, testify.

How you doing?

First, American, I wanted to ask you about the entry of Ralph Nader into the presidential race.

I mean, will you be voting for Nader?

Hold on, let me finish vomiting over here, right?

Let me tell you why this guy drives me nuts, this Nader guy, okay?

He's living on a principle that anybody can be president.

And that's absolutely not true.

Okay?

The position of president has always been and shall always be held by people with a lot of money, people with high influence, and people with good connection to the power elite of this country.

I thought it was the American dream that anyone could be president.

That's the point, isn't it?

That's what you people like.

Please, it's something we tell school children.

So, don't cry.

All right?

What are you going to tell a kid you're going to be a plumber?

Think about it.

Rich people are smarter than poor people.

It's just a fact, okay?

And that's why those people will always lead the country.

Why don't you embrace monarchy then?

We've been trying this for years.

You kicked us out.

Monarchy is not disgusting.

That's just a disgusting philosophy.

Why would we want the same type of people running the country?

It doesn't make any sense.

What I'm talking about is democracy done right, American style.

Yeah, I mean, I could have my eggs over easy, but why would I when scrambled tastes so good?

I'm not sure what that means, but that's a hell of a sense.

Well, it's a sinker.

All right, you think about that one for a while.

Maybe get back to me next week.

Now, we have this email from Christopher Luponi.

It's addressed to John and I.

He writes, is your hate for America so bitter and vitriolic that you must have someone from the putative garden state as your sample American?

Uh-oh.

Everyone here knows that most of New Jersey is a vast, barren, suburban wasteland.

This is how it's always been for people from New Jersey our whole lives.

Okay?

I'm going to roll a guess out there.

This guy's from probably one of the lamest states in the country.

Something like Iowa or Pennsylvania or something like that.

It is Pennsylvania.

Pennsylvania.

Boom.

Of course it's Pennsylvania every time.

This is what it was like growing up.

If you're from New Jersey, anyone from anywhere else always says something like, you know, where are you from?

New Jersey?

Ew, gross, right?

Doesn't matter.

The guy could be from Iowa and say, hey, buddy, I grew up 20 miles from Manhattan.

You lost your virginity to corn.

In my opinion, he's not worldly like I am.

He hasn't traveled to all the places I've been to, okay?

Which is like,

you know, I went to Puerto Rico one time and stuff.

And then on top of that, he's from a place like Pennsylvania.

So what does he even know?

I mean, what do they they have?

They probably don't even have the internet in Pennsylvania yet.

I think it's very interesting for Britain to hear that basically the civil war in America still rages on.

I'll tell you, the worst thing that happened in this country, I'll tell you right now, is that the Civil War ended the way it did.

Okay?

Because if we had two separate Americas, we wouldn't have any conflict over here.

Actually,

there's probably a very coherent argument for that.

It's absolutely true.

Do you think the North should have thrown the war?

I think the North should have stepped back and said, you know what, take it.

It's a swamp anyway.

We don't want it.

Regarding your rant about American football, now this has three points to it.

It comes from John Foster in Kingston, Ontario, in Canada.

Of course it does.

Of course it does.

Canadian, great.

First a guy from Pennsylvania, then a guy from Canada.

Great.

Two of the least relevant places in the world.

In the world.

John Foster writes: if you truly are a representation of all Americans, then how do you know about the existence of Canada?

Most Americans are completely oblivious to anything north of the 49th parallel.

That you know that we are a country and that we are in close proximity to the USA shows that you are rather an atypical American.

So that's actually a veiled compliment in some ways.

That is a veiled compliment.

And I'm going to say this about Canada.

For us, anyway, for where I'm from, it's only an eight-hour drive to hookers and casinos.

And we've always appreciated that.

But other than that, really, it's kind of like it's a forest.

People there, they don't know which language they want to speak.

They can't decide.

Let's be honest.

It's not the best place to live.

And as far as you're clout in the world, it's like you're probably like four rungs below Poland.

As well as being our representative American, are you also ambassador for Jersey, state ambassador?

If the position's open, I'm free.

I've got some free timer now, currently unemployed.

The economy's rough.

Not the president's fault, though.

Thank you very much, American, for joining us once again.

Of course.

Anytime, guys, give me a call.

So, if you have any further questions for the American, do email them in to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Now, your emails.

And this comes from Greg Pritchard in, of all places, New Zealand.

Greg writes, Hello, buglers.

In a world where mass media only focuses on negative stories, I hope you can spend some time celebrating Zimbabwe breaking the 100,000% inflation barrier this week.

Well, we should point out that is annual inflation, not millennial inflation.

With an economy like that, John, it just makes it all the more remarkable that Mugabe keeps winning those elections.

He must be one hell of a guy.

Great campaigner on the stoop.

Robert Mugabe deserves a huge amount of credit and respect for this, as rampant inflation has become very unfashionable recently.

But the perseverance of him and his fellow inflation fans can only be admired.

Let's face it, deep down we'd all love to take a wheelbarrow of money to the shop for bread and milk, but only some of us have the courage to chase that dream.

Zimbabwean inflation aficionados are also in the enviable position of being able to go to the shop many times a day as there is nothing to buy once they get there.

So the fun goes on and on.

Top work, Bob.

Good news coming out of the troubled country of Zimbabwe.

We have an email here from Owen Harkness about the gay aims that we were talking about a few weeks ago.

He says, John and Andy, I have a startling revelation that may turn your stomachs inside out with fear, surprise, and fashion sense.

Upon listening to your audio newspaper, whilst tossing most of it in the bin,

settle down.

My eagle ears discovered a section on the gay aims.

As a dedicated homosexualologist, I was troubled by this section.

I quickly detained myself and refused my release until I divulged the gay aims in their entirety.

Here, I discovered something shocking.

It turns out the gay aims are not universal.

In fact, they are often very different depending on the homosexualographer involved.

Fantastic phrase, Owen.

As it turns out, I have a list of my personal gay aims on the fridge.

I feel it is my duty to the average man to reveal this list.

Here is that list.

Eggs, milk, adopt neighbours' children, bread, batteries, revolution of the proletariat, apples, yogurt, work with terrorists to destroy family values and governments all over the world.

Oh, I knew it.

I knew it's what these people are.

Clearly, these aims are very frightening.

And perusal of a fellow homosexuanoma revealed a similar list, except with less eggs and more gay adoption.

Hopefully you can spread the word about these horrifying aims and bring an end to this madness.

Yours, homosexualographically, Owen Harkness.

Owen, thank you so much for that.

Not only revealing the true truth behind what gay people are aiming at, but also the various versions of homosexual graphicness.

And now it's time for the official announcements of Miss and Mr.

February from history.

The hottest hotties for the month of February.

The unquestionable winner in the female hottie section is Joanna the Mad, who is fancied by almost all Bugle listeners, alive and dead.

She's had some late competition from, amongst others, Lady Godiver, nominated by Will Evans in London.

Also, late competition came in from Adrian Ference, who said, I'd like to nominate 1930s Germany as the hottest era of history.

Interesting extension, we had an animal last week.

He's taking it a little further.

He says, of course, there'll there'll be the naysayers crying out, what about 15th century Constantinople?

And they have their merits.

But who can argue with sexy, smoldering 1930s Germany?

I think history has put in some fairly heavy arguments against it.

History

is human decency.

All branches of moral philosophy.

But still, nice universe.

It's right, he goes on to say, 1930s Germany is a mix of Sharon Stone in basic instinct and Glenn Close in dangerous liaisons with a touch of demi-more from disclosure throw in for good measure.

Hell-bent on world domination, but still a little wet behind the ears.

1930s Germany is the era that you would never take home to mother.

Good nomination.

Now, it hasn't made February the shortest and the hottest month, but it may yet make March.

I'm not sure even David Irving would compare 1930s Germany to a selection of film actresses.

And Mr.

February from history is none other than Britain's own favourite immediate post-war Prime Minister, Clement Attlee.

Well done, Clements.

Another trophy for your bulging cabinet.

And Annie in California is a particular fan.

She says that Clement Attlee never fails to set her heart aflutter.

Also, she suggests that Jonathan Swift and his infantile diet is also pretty hot.

Actually, yeah, Jonathan Swift, that would be a very good nomination.

What was his infantile diet?

Oh, come on, Andy.

A modest proposal.

It's one of the greatest satirical works ever written.

Sorry, yeah, I see.

Yeah, I was thinking of it in terms of childish food.

So that's it for Hotties from History for February.

Do keep your nominations coming in as we build up to the climactic announcement of Hotties from History from March, which will happen at the end of March.

And your other nominations will be rounded up in the Bugle blog this week.

Apologies for the absence of the blog last week.

This was due to jet lag and ill baby.

But it will be back bigger and better than ever.

And in response to a complaint we received, all previous blogs have been put up on the websites in a single, easily manageable archive.

Do check all the other goodies on the Bugle page at timesonline.co.uk slash thebugle.

Sport now, and there are rumours that Mike Tyson and Evander Hollyfield could fight each other again at a combined age of 86.

John,

it's the fight,

it's the fight everyone wanted to see and did see

twice more than 10 years ago when many people already considered them past their best.

This is sport as it should be, John.

Two middle-aged men raging against the dying of their bank accounts.

And it just goes to prove Isaac Newton's first law of sports marketing that if you bite a guy's ear off in the middle of a boxing match, people will pay to see if you might do it again.

In fact, if there are any other throwback bouts or conflicts or sporting events that you would like to see, then please email in the bugle and let us know.

And we'll do everything we can to stage them, like a kind of audio Don King style.

Golf and Tiger Woods is planning to go unbeaten for the entire year after cleaning up six tournaments in a row.

The response of the rest of the pro golfers on the circuit has been fascinating.

They've essentially said, yeah, he's miles better than any of us.

But frankly, we're minted anyway, so who gives a rat's ass?

Now get out of my way.

I've got to find out if I've still got a wife.

Woods has such a psychological hold on his opponents now that at the Veggie Mite on Toast Invitational Event in Ahrensborough, Australia last year, he beat VJ Singh in a playoff after kidnapping himself, tying himself to a radiator in the clubhouse, and getting Scott Verplank to replace all of his golf clubs with giant hot dogs.

And finally, bodybuilder Julius Clippentop tearfully admitted not taking steroids at a Senate inquiry last week.

He apologised for bringing shame upon his sport and embarrassing his friends and family.

And John, I think there's going to be an asterisk next to his name in the Grotesque Neck Muscles Hall of Fame.

And now, strap in, listeners, it's audio cryptic crossword time.

Oh, God.

Do you know, here's the incredible thing, Andy.

I had actually forgotten as well.

This week's clue is 27 across.

And for those of you who successfully solved 20 down, you'll know that this eight-letter solution ends with the letter O.

And really, John, this clue explores the dominance of big business and its fear of change.

And the clue is this: Coffee's paranormal power begins to rankle with massive oil company.

Eight letters long.

So you can now print out the full grid of the audio cryptic crosswords on the bugle page at timesonline.co.uk the bugle.

Also, on the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square, there is now a bronze sculpture inspired by the audio-cryptic crossword.

And finally, in this week's bugle, it's the bugle forecast.

This week, roadkill.

John, how many animals do you think will be killed on the world's roads this week?

17.

17.

That's a fairly conservative estimate, bearing in mind that a study guessed that over 40 million squirrels are killed every year in the USA alone.

Oh, God, that is horrendous.

Yep, 40 million.

I mean, I don't really like squirrels, but still, that is carnage.

I'm going to stick with 17.

17 animals this week.

I'm going to play safe and go 18, so Justin needs to go over 17 and I win.

That is a very cynical way of playing the game, Alex.

John, I watched the prices right when I was a kid.

You don't lose that kind of tactical mouse.

That's it for the Bugle this week.

In next week's Bugle, privacy laws across the world and a business section.

You won't be throwing the business section out, there'll actually be a business section.

Finally, you can find out what's inside that useless piece of paper.

Have you ever read a business section in your life?

Of course I haven't.

Of course I haven't.

Bye.

Bye-bye for now.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.