Australians keep touching the Queen

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Welcome to the Bugle, issue 8 of Times Online's unique audio newspaper for the week being the 3rd of December 2007.

This is the 8th Bugle, so you now have enough editions of the Bugle to have a straight knockout from quarterfinals onwards to decide your favourite bugle so far.

So do enjoy that.

I'm Andy Zoltzmann here in London, and in New York, there's Mr.

John Oliver.

Hello from the Big Apple.

Not the biggest apple, but still a pretty big apple nonetheless.

What apple is bigger than New York, John?

Granny Smith.

As always, some sections of the bugle do go straight in the bin.

This week, the Extreme Sports Supplement, including features on the latest crazes in the adrenaline-seeking world, including volcano diving, shark polo, bungee driving, and asylum seeking.

Also, in the bin, a commemorative poster marking 100 years since the invention of the zebra.

This course was invented by a man who ran over a horse at a level crossing.

Top story this week, and it is all change in Australia.

The Sydney Morning Herald described Australia's recent election as a political earthquake.

And it is important to remember that earthquakes come in different sizes.

This particular earthquake was probably enough to knock an ornament off a mantelpiece somewhere.

Perhaps cause someone to say, what was that?

or make a dog bark.

But it was an earthquake nonetheless.

Hold on to your breakfast, world.

Australia have voted out John Howard, the undisputed four-time Australian general election champion, who now becomes the second of the Iraq War's three biggest cheeses to bite the Democratic bullet until it goes bang in his own face.

Some commentators say that Howard ran a negative, aggressive and pessimistic campaign, which makes his defeat all the more surprising.

He was ousted by Kevin Rudd, and the name Kevin Rudd sounds like a mid-level accountant.

Kevin, is this stapler tax-deductible?

Only if you like prison food, Bill.

Thanks, Kev.

I owe you one again.

John Howard will be remembered as a close ally of President Bush and also as the man who controversially put his arm around the Queen.

There was an outcry.

That wasn't him, John.

That was Paul Keating.

Was that not Howard?

Right, we have another fact of.

Oh, God.

This is one all, John.

This is one all.

Well, let's see.

Come on, Howard.

This is the vengeance we all knew I would get sooner rather than later.

Who would have thought I'd find myself saying, Come on, John Howard, touch up my Queen?

Yes!

Yes!

It was Paul Keating.

That is absolute bullshit.

Look up Paul Keating and the Queen.

He's the one that touched her on the ass.

John Howard had a crack at the Queen.

That is history.

Too new.

Too new.

Wow.

Robert Menzie shtupped the Queen.

That'll come out, the official secrets act.

That'll come out in about 60 years' time.

Well, so it turns out they both touched the Queen.

What is it with Australian leaders?

And fondling our monarch.

Leave her alone.

What is it about our monarch?

What is it that she has?

What pheromones is she giving off that are attractive to Australian Prime Ministers?

Well, they're just red-blooded men, John.

Who can blame them?

Kiss my crown.

I got a bit of an insight, John, into the extraordinary popularity of Kevin Rudd when I was in Australia.

I was doing shows at the Melbourne Festival, and I would ask the crowd crowd isn't quite the right word.

Audience.

That's not.

Maybe jury.

That's more numerically appropriate.

Who's looking forward to John Howard leaving?

And all of them cheered.

And I would then ask who's looking forward to Kevin Rudd taking over.

And there would be an eerie silence as people slowly realised that democracy is deeply flawed.

But John Howard was referred to as the US Sheriff in Asia-Pacific region.

And apparently he was the quickest drawer in the Pacific, especially if you were drawing up reactionary immigration legislation.

That leaves only George W.

Bush of the War on Terrors Big Three.

Blair was bumped off by his own party.

Howard taken out by his own people.

And John, I think it looks bad for George W.

Bush.

I think his numbers up.

I think his reign will soon end, whether it's due to the unstoppable march of time or the 22nd Amendment of the U.S.

Constitution.

I can't see him lasting much more than another year at most.

And his chances of winning the election, I'd put it at 20 to 1.

But what's the view in America?

Well, I mean, people aren't quite as optimistic as that, Andy.

You know, he's already won an election that he lost.

so let's not rule him out of suddenly coming out with something incredible here.

Could he win an election he's not in?

Is the man that good at democracy?

He loves America, Andy, and he loves God.

And

who's to say that he can't combine those two powers and take this country a third time?

But it does seem that Bush is fast becoming a bad King Midas.

Everything he touches turns to shit.

If he was to offer you a job reference, you would not get that job.

In fact, Kevin Rudd campaigned successfully on anti-Bush promises, signing Kyoto and withdrawing from Iraq.

And in this sense, perhaps Bush can potentially guide the world to a better tomorrow.

People often wear these bracelets here, which read, what would Jesus do?

to help them make good decisions.

If all world leaders had what would Bush do bracelets, they could just look down at their wrists in times of crisis, think about it for a second, and then do the opposite.

If humanity did the opposite of whatever Bush would do, we could be living in Nirvana by 2010.

And maybe this is the best hope for the Middle East.

He can make a suggestion, then both Israel and Palestine can look at each other and say, well, let's definitely not do that.

And already they're working from a point of agreement.

He's not president anymore, Andy.

He's an airborne disease.

Bear in mind with those bracelets, though, John, that Hansi Cronia, the former South African cricket captain, wore a What Would Jesus Do bracelet.

And evidently the answer to that question is, take illegal buns and fix matches.

Read the Bible, Andy.

It's all in there.

Old Testament.

Now, you, as 21st century listeners to this this audio newspaper, probably don't have a very good attention span, so we're going to break up this item on Australia with a fact box.

Australia is the most foul-mouthed country in the world.

38.2% of all words said in Australia are rude words or derivatives of rude words.

Australia's national motto, no worries, actually camouflages deep national concern about the environment, social change and a slightly embarrassing history of killing natives and stealing their resources.

Australia is swelling by 0.3% per year.

If it keeps swelling at this rate by the year 3000, it will have knocked Indonesia clean off the face of the planet.

And finally, Australia is not the same place as Austria, but Australia and New Zealand are the same place.

Kevin Rudd unveiled his team for the future to Australia, who then ran through an enormous paper banner and banged heads.

Can you clarify that, John?

They ran through a painted picture saying Australia's new parliament banged heads, whooped and did the worm, the old breakdancing move.

Oh right.

Is that a traditional Australian ceremony?

Yeah it's something to do with Aborigines.

Rudd is certainly pretty keen on the environment.

Keen enough that he has appointed as his new environment minister a rock star at the former lead singer of Midnight Oil, Peter Garrett.

And I think this shows he's taking it seriously because history has proved that people in the 21st century won't listen to anyone who hasn't had at least two top 20 singles.

That's true.

So, this is a very smart move by Rudd.

And it's great to see the government's now taking the environment seriously because, you know, for us individuals, as we desperately try to save the environment on our own, it does feel like we're just urinating into a slowly exploding volcano.

Yes, it makes us feel better about ourselves.

Any piss does, but it's not really helping the overall situation.

So, we need help from the government to at least fly a crop sprayer over the volcano and look like they're doing something.

Kevin Rudd's been described as being a Blair clone.

So enjoy that, Australia.

Do enjoy that.

Other news now, and scandal has bitten into the neck of British politics.

Once again, the party funding row threatens to bore the nation into submission and possibly throw us all the way back to a pre-monarchical day when we were just ruled by tribal leaders and the occasional Roman.

An anonymous donor, David Abrahams, apparently gave over £660,000 to the Labour Party, but didn't do it under his own name.

He used other people to give the money, raising questions about how parties should be funded, or even if they should be funded, would it not be best for everyone if they weren't given any money and had to raise their funds by, for example, busking, standing on street corners reciting their policies, and allowing passers-by to donate money as they see fit.

Gordon Brown has had some very bad luck in his first few months as Prime Minister.

There were the Glasgow bombings, the floods, the lost identity of the British public, and now this.

He's been extremely unlucky.

And it's been a while since there's been a real slapstick Prime Minister in Britain, because this week he also fell down some stairs and dropped a piano out of the window.

At Prime Minister's question this week, the Liberal Democrat King, Vince Cable, sorry, acting King Vince Cable said that Gordon Brown has gone from Stalin to Mr.

Bean in a matter of weeks, which suggests that if anything, Gordon Brown is only guilty of over-adjustment.

But I don't know, who would you rather be led by, John?

Stalin or Bean?

Well, first, Andy, let's pause for a second to appreciate the magnificent name that is Vince Cable.

That has got to be one of the great names in politics at the moment.

Vincent Cable.

And I looked to see if there's any names that I think could rival that in America.

There's not many.

There's John Boozman from the Arkansas 3rd District.

John Doolittle of the California 4th District.

But then we get on to the good ones.

Louise Slaughter of the New York 28th.

That is an excellent name.

Anthony Weiner.

That's good.

Says it all.

We've got a few silly names here.

David Leper, Kitty Usher,

and also the independent MP, Puppy Tennis, who named herself after her favourite sport.

But I guess when we decide, when we're trying to decide who out of Stalin or Mr.

Bean we'd rather be governed by, they've both got their strengths and arguably they've both got their weaknesses.

I mean in terms of strengths, you know, Stalin decisive, gets things done.

Mr Bean as a strength doesn't list genocide amongst his hobbies.

So that balances out I guess.

But they also have their weaknesses.

Stalin

genocide as a weakness, whereas Mr.

Bean not a natural leader.

So really I guess you want a kind of middle ground between Stalin and Mr Bean.

That would be the ideal leader.

Get off the fence, Andy.

You can only pick one of them.

Are you going Stalin or Bean?

Stalin.

Better do something than nothing.

I don't think America can quite believe this storm in a financial teacup because electioneering here in America has become almost like a telethon.

Each candidate has an illuminated totaliser going up to one billion dollars and whoever can make the bill on top of it ring first is pretty much president.

And in fact, we had a question emailed in from Samuel DeBella for the American saying, being an American myself, I'm shocked that you yourself would attempt to represent all of America.

It is firmly set in my beliefs that the only type of person who should represent America is one who has spent several hundreds of million dollars for the right.

This money should, of course, be obtained from backroom deals with corporate conglomerates.

Good letter, Sam, and of course, that is the case.

At the last American presidential election, the Republicans spent $214 million and the Democrats around $145, which shows that the Republicans do have to bribe people more per vote than the Democrats.

Does it not show, Andy, that the Republicans care more about democracy because they're willing to pay more for it, to run it?

I guess that could be so.

Yep.

You say potato, I also, of course, say potato.

Give it a couple of years, John.

The candidates here aren't just content to sit and wait for the compromising donations to thud in from big business.

They're willing to come up with some swag to hawk to the American public as well.

Some what, John?

Some what?

Shwag.

Shwag.

Potato.

Potato.

Within within a, probably probably within a year.

Barack Obama is selling ringtones for your mobile phones of him shouting about healthcare.

You can be woken up by that when your auntie calls you from Venezuela.

Many of the candidates have t-shirts which cost cleverly 2,008 cents.

And Rudy Giuliani supporters came under fire recently for a fundraiser which cost $9.11 to get in.

It is amazing that that got past the idea stage.

That is not even misconstruing a gesture.

It's construing it.

That gesture was accurately construed.

But the queen is missing out here, Andy.

Think of the queen's potential merchandise.

She can become self-sufficient in a heartbeat and take herself off the taxpayers' payroll.

Toy crowns, inflatable corgis, answer phone messages, people would love that.

Hello, John is not in right now, but leave a message and he will get back to you.

God save me.

And to go with that joke, now a commemorative bugle audio poster to mark the Queen and Prince Philip's 60th wedding anniversary, the first time they have ever had a 60th wedding anniversary.

So well done, then which means it's also 60 years since the Queen's hen party when I believe she went to a karaoke night and sang oops upside your head.

So here is to 60 more glorious years of marriage between the Queen and Philip.

60 years after their wedding.

Is it time for Philip to become king?

Or is it time for someone else to get a go with the Queen?

I'm not a go with the Queen!

A go as the queen's husband

too little too a go with the queen pack up your things and do the right thing and check yourself into the tower of london this is not the first time andy that you've made comments regarding the queen of a sexual nature and it's really starting to make me think a bit about you know whether you are attracted to the queen in an inappropriate way even if it was i believe it's my patriotic duty to slightly fancy the queen After everything she's done for this country, you know, just boost her self-confidence a bit.

Is it the power that gets to you, Andy?

Is it the fact she's queen and is on coins?

Or would you be attracted to plain old Elizabeth Windsor from down the road?

I just think there is something about a woman on a £10 note or any bank notes, and I feel the same about Florence Nightingale.

Oh, God,

the Queen and Florence Nightingale.

I apologise to all royalists, but I maintain Nightingale was a hottie.

Some more other news from this week, and the most ludicrous sentencing awards 2007, which looked to have been wrapped up by Saudi Arabia when they sentenced a rape victim to jail and 200 lashes, is up for grabs again.

It seems only to have made the other countries all the more determined to beat it.

Step forward this week, Sudan.

A British school teacher was jailed and deported for allowing her pupils to name a teddy bear Mohammed.

Some of Sudan's top clerics apparently labelled Gillian Gibbon's actions part of a Western plot against Islam.

Show us the paper trail, clerics.

What kind of plot is this?

We will indulge their children and make them like teddy bears.

They're right to be suspicious, Andy.

It's like the Trojan horse all over again.

What's inside those teddy bears named Mohammed?

Are we not looking at the wrong person here?

Because it was the children who named it and they are crawling away free from this.

She's become a scapegoat.

The only reasonable verdict here would be to jail the children.

Well, you're right there, because not only did they name the bear Mohammed, but they voted to do so.

So perhaps Gillian Gibbons has, in fact, been just sneaking a bit of democracy into Sudan.

So maybe it is part of

the West's plot to democratise the world by making children enjoy voting on toys' names.

And then they'll develop into wanting to vote on who is responsible responsible for the mass genocide on their doorstep.

But why not email in the bugle and tell us what you think the teddy bear should have been called and the prize for the best name will be that we will adopt a live grizzly bear, call it that name and send it to Sudan.

Speaking as a godless infidel, I think it's time for prophets in general to lighten up, especially ones that are supposed to be such top quality prophets, mentioning no names.

Ben, our engineer here in the recording studio in London, has raised a very interesting question: what if there was a religion centered around a prophet called Cuddles?

There already is, Andy, it's called Buddhism.

Looks like John and I aren't going to be enjoying much of an afterlife, so let's move on to the next section.

Peace Watch.

On your behalf, in future weeks, the bugle is going to be keeping an eye on how peace is doing around the world.

Here is this week's Peace Watch.

With the Mideast Summit just a few days old, has there been any peace?

Well, not quite yet, but given another week, I'm sure that peace will arrive.

Bush said that a battle is underway in the Mideast talks.

Just use a thesaurus, Bush.

There are so many words without military connotations for conflict resolution.

You could go with struggle, scuffle, crusade, actually better avoid that one.

Or skirmish.

I go with skirmish.

A skirmish is underway for peace.

That still sounds quite violent, Joe.

What about a wrestle?

A wrestle?

Oh I like wrestle for peace.

It evokes men in spangly tights putting on a real show for people.

So maybe the Israeli government can do a belly splash off the top turnbuckle.

They've been doing that with their Air Force for the last 50 years.

What this situation now needs, Andy, is the wisdom of Solomon.

Although the argument isn't now over whether to cut the baby in two, but where.

Both sides have pretty much resigned themselves to a severed baby.

So let's try and decide exactly where that baby is going to be sliced.

And it's best to treat them like children and use the technique that parents use to resolve problems over disputed biscuits.

Get one side to draw the border and the other one to choose which bit they want.

King Solomon overrated for his wisdom in that incident, John.

King Solomon said, why don't we cut the child in two?

The bogus mother said, yeah, that sounds perfectly fair.

But the real mother said, no, no, let her keep the baby, showing that she was the child's true mother.

Now, King Solomon praised for his wisdom in this, but the real truth of the matter is that King Solomon just loved eating babies.

Because what the Bible does not tell us is tone of voice, and there is a very great difference between saying, Why don't we cut the child in two and

why don't we cut the child in two?

Winelist, mustard, not the grainy stuff, I'm not an animal.

In fact, cutting things in half was King Solomon's only solution to anything.

He was a one-trick pony.

It's all very well in the baby slicing incident, but guaranteed to be unpopular in public sector wage negotiations.

Now it's time for your emails and this one comes from Gabriel Reed

who suggests that terrorists stole his kidneys.

He writes, in a tactical change of direction, terrorists have taken accuse from urban legends and have stolen my kidneys.

On a recent trip to a small farming community in Iowa, I was roofied with a Chinese toy, only to wake up in a bathtub of ice with my kidneys missing.

When will this terror end?

He asks.

If so, I'm unsure if the world has the resolve to stop these Islamo fascists.

I pray that the Brits and the coalition of the willing will send in all ten of their troops with dialysis machines and fingernail clippers.

Brackets, the nail clippers will need to be put in your check luggage.

Thank you, Gabriel R.

Terrorists, how low will you stoop?

Is there no bodily organ you won't steal?

Amanda Kaye emailed in to point out that if you type into Google French military victories and click on I'm Feeling Lucky, it will say, Did you mean French military defeats?

Thank you, Amanda Kaye.

That's as hard as I've laughed all week.

This one comes from Robert in New York.

Dear Bugle, I'm another American, and I can independently confirm that for the past three weeks, all Americans were, in fact, ill, moving house, and out of town for Thanksgiving, respectively.

I would like to tell the American that I deeply despise his state of New Jersey.

I find it to be the most unpleasant state in America, and if you'd be willing to make this a twofer, I would be delighted if you could also tell the entire state of New Jersey to shut up.

The only thing I ever found appealing about New Jersey was a lone vending machine that prepared grilled cheese sandwiches at a highway rest stop.

Alas, that vending machine is now gone, which I feel is a metaphor for God forsaking that land.

Thank you, Robert in New York.

That is the garden state you're talking about, Robert.

Albeit that that garden has become somewhat overgrown.

And finally, this comes from von Stuffen.

Dear John Oliver and Andy Zaltzmann, I'm thinking of making a pizza.

Is this awesome?

Yes or no?

What do you think, John?

I'm going to go with yes, that is awesome.

It inspires awe in you, does it, John?

I am in awe of his pizza-making plan.

Sport now, and the Miami Dolphins are all set to complete the perfect season of nothing but defeat.

It really would be a huge achievement this, Andy, and I am right behind the Miami Dolphins in their catastrophic attempt to do the winless season.

It very much reminds me of there used to be this thing called a slow bicycle race.

You'd have to come last whilst riding your bicycle.

You couldn't put your foot down so you had to be going so slowly that you would become last.

They narrowly managed to lose to the Pittsburgh Steelers last week, only just lost to that.

They've got the Jets coming up on Sunday, who are a very bad football team.

They're going to have to pull a big one out of the bag there, Miami, if they're going to lose to the Jets.

They're actually playing worse than Miami at the moment, aren't they?

Well that's true and so they're going to have to really steal defeat from the jewels of victory there.

But they can do it.

I believe in Miami.

I think Miami proved with the waterlogged defeat to Pittsburgh that they can lose in all conditions.

They really are an all-weather team.

And that is the mark of true lack of class.

They're on the edge of sporting history here, Andy.

No one remembers a team.

with just one victory in a season, but they will remember a team who lose everything.

So please do send in in your messages of support for the Miami Dolphins in their quest towards complete failure.

Also in sports, Britain and America are braced for the Ricky Hatton Floyd Mayweather fight, another classic transatlantic showdown, very much like Churchill against Roosevelt in the ping pong at Yalta.

That's cut pretty out of hand.

Roosevelt was out of his chair a couple of times.

So what do you think their tactics are going to be in this fight, John?

Do you think, I mean, I think Hatton is going to try and smack Mayweather about the head.

That's the problem.

I would look out for Floyd Mayweather trying to, I can't believe what I'm saying, this punch him in the face.

Well, I think Hatton has an answer to that, and that is to punch Mayweather back in the face.

It could descend into mindless violence.

Let's hope not.

Floyd Mayweather is a world-class trash talker, and there was a great photo.

There was a great photo this week of Ricky Hatton sitting next to Floyd Mayweather.

And Ricky Hatton was wearing soundproof industrial headphones to block out the trash talking.

And also, on a sad note, the world lost a sport this week as pigeon racing is legally no longer considered a sport.

It's a sad day, Andy.

Pigeon racing really just hasn't competed over the years.

The sport needs a complete overhaul from the ground roots up.

They need to get betting involved, get some character pigeons into the sports to get kids interested.

Bring it into the 21st century.

Sex it up as well.

Dress the pigeons in something skimpy.

So they need to make the coops bigger so it's easier for the pigeons to get in them.

So you kind of get more goals.

Maybe, maybe, Andy.

Maybe the coops should be.

I don't know.

I'm not a pigeon expert, but something has to happen before this noble sport of pigeons flying from one place to another place just completely dies.

And now it's time for your favourite part of the show, the audio-cryptic crossword, the world's only audio-cryptic crossword, and this week's clue is 11 across.

It's seven letters long, split into two words of three and four.

And this is very much a clue that really drives to the hearts of modern consumerist society.

He got ripped off partly on self-indulgent spree.

3-4.

No one can accuse you of not seeing this idea through, Andrew.

I've started, so I will have to finish.

No forecast this week, but instead, to mark the beginning of Advent, we have the Bugles Audio Advent calendar, the first three days of which follow.

December the 1st.

December the 2nd.

December the 3rd.

And we're not giving you the advent calendar entries for the rest of the week because we know you can't be trusted not to open them before the days they're supposed to be listened to.

Exactly.

So that's all from the Bugle this week.

John, look after America for us.

Will do.

It's safe in my hands.

I don't believe you.

You're right not to.

Keep those emails coming in.

Thebugle at timesonline.co.uk and we will lecture you again next week.

Bye.

Have an unbelievable week.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.