OPEC: Let's talk oil and fiery rhetoric

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Welcome to edition number six of The Bugle.

We apologise once again for the Bugle going up slightly late this week.

This is due to a combination of factors, including the writer strike in America, the postal strike in Britain and general strikes in France and any other industrial action around the world that has slightly delayed the posting of this podcast also due to the unstoppable march of time.

But welcome to The Bugle with me Andy Zaltzman here in London and in New York City Mr.

John Oliver.

Howdy.

Yeeeha!

You're blending in beautifully John.

Thank you.

I do try.

As with any newspaper some sections go straight in the bin.

This week, the DIY section, including articles on how swearing at shelves can help your book stay upright and how to electrocute yourself and live to tell the tale.

Also in the bin is this week's free bugle tree to enable you to make your own newspaper in future.

Also, comes with a complimentary penknife.

Today's headlines: Joe for Kim.

Top story, and there's only been one story on everyone's lips this week, and that story has been the OPEC Summit.

OPEC had a major summit.

In fact, it was only its third in 47 years.

So, for all you Summit fans out there, this is a very rare one.

It's akin to seeing a comet or perhaps a glossy-mantled mana code.

In fact, you could barely move for hundreds of socially awkward summit spotters in Kagules, excitedly scribbling into their notebooks before being dragged away by Saudi police.

They're like buses, aren't they?

OPEC SUMMITS.

That's right.

You wait ages for one and then it's completely pointless without fuel.

But what a summit it was, Andy.

If you like oil and the people who produce it, this is your Super Bowl.

But, of course, OPEC isn't just about the oil anymore.

It's like they say in their brochure: come for the oil, stay for the inflammatory political rhetoric.

When you think that OPEC members include the likes of Iran, Iraq, Libya, and Venezuela, They traditionally have some of the world's jauntiest leaders.

Dream team of lunacy.

I would like to see the OPEC summit every six months just for the entertainment those leaders can provide.

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia started off with the quote, Oil shouldn't be a tool for conflict, it should be a tool for development, which doesn't sound inflammatory until you find out that he then winked and said only joking before high-fiving the rest of the members and moonwalking out of the chamber shouting, I told you I'd say it, you owe me a tuna wrap, Chavez.

They have reached a compromise now whereby oil is a tool for the development of conflict.

So we, as consumers, do get the best of both worlds.

Does that mean that conflict is no longer a sustainable resource?

Yes, but for every conflict completed, they are starting a new conflict in another oil-producing region, so it is sustainable.

Once again, the headlines were stolen by Ahmadinejad, who is fast becoming the Roger Federer of International Lunacy.

He just looks unbeatable.

When you think there's nothing for him to have a go at America over, he somehow from somewhere pulls out something at an incredible angle.

And yeah, it's great to watch if you're a fan of that kind of thing.

You know, you've just got to admire class.

He referred to the American dollar as a worthless piece of paper.

Now, listen, Mahmood.

When you deny the Holocaust, that's one thing.

When you talk of America as the great Satan, that's another thing.

But you insult a country's currency.

Oh, you just crossed the line, mister.

You don't hear Americans criticising the Iranian real, do you?

No, because they know where the line is.

Leave it out.

And it was only going to get worse, Andy.

There has been a high-profile currency defector.

I hope you're sitting down to hear this, America.

Although, if your obesity statistics are to be believed, you probably are.

Because in Jay-Z's new video, Blue Magic, Mr.

Z is seen swanning around New York with wads of Euros in his hand.

Et 2, Jay.

X2.

Don't worry, because it's not actually as bad as it sounds, Andy.

Jay-Z has always been openly supportive of a single European currency, believing strongly in its ability to improve trade across the EU.

His song for instance 99 Problems clearly outlines the 99 ways in which Britain keeping the pound would be a mistake, both economically and in terms of Britain standing with his European neighbours.

It also has a ferocious beat.

Rap has a long and proud history of playing the currency markets.

Jar Rul's song Daddy's Little Baby is actually a love song to the yen and Snoop Doggy Dog's Snoop's Upside Your Head is actually about the dangers of hyperinflation.

50 cents is now, in fact, 50 Euro cents, which means that he is effectively now 75 cent, roughly.

So look out for his new album, just a quarter short of a dollar.

John, you, as we discovered last week, I believe, you met Pervez Musharraf, the Pakistani leader.

That's right.

I've never actually met a world leader, although I did almost get drawn against Colonel Gaddafi in a table tennis round Robin a couple of years ago.

But is there any chance that you might meet Ahmadinejad?

Let's hope little chance, Andy.

But he was here about six months ago for the UN summit, so I was in the same city as him then.

So I think maybe we should ask Bugle listeners: if John gets to meet Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, what should he ask him?

Do email us at thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

If I ever do get the chance to meet Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the first question I'm going to be asking is: please, can you release me?

And I want to speak to the British Consulate.

Now, in a surprise move, there was even talk of alternative energies at the summit.

Saudi Arabia donated $300 million to green energy research.

But let's put that in context.

Most of the Saudi royal family have $200 million down the back of their sofa.

And also, their annual oil revenue is in excess of $150 billion.

So giving $300 million to a green technology fund is somewhat akin to Stalin giving away a 10-ruble book token as a prize in a poetry competition.

Too little, too late, Joseph.

Also, there was the release this week of a huge IPCC report on climate change.

What grade did they give the world?

It was a D-.

Now, Ban Ki-moon, Secretary General of the UN, said that the melting he saw was as frightening as science fiction movies.

But again, let's get this in context.

This is from a man who wets himself whenever someone mentions E.T.

and he went on to warn that in the future the Earth could be unrecognisable.

In fact, it does seem that the only thing you'll recognise in future years is that we'll be still polluting the Earth.

And people will be driving around in SUVs through scorched wastelands where cities used to be, saying, this is still not conclusive proof.

It's just a phase the world is going through.

It will grow out of it.

Barely a day goes by now without some scientist coming careering out of the laboratory screaming something about the end of the world being nigh.

But as always, when the UN IPCC puts out a report, governments around the world were quick to spring into action and think about holding a summit to talk about doing stuff to marginally reduce the pace of Armageddon.

The problem, it does seem, is that a lot of leaders, in particular your president in America, John, seem to remain unconvinced about the long-term economic benefits of saving the world.

That's true.

Still, perhaps waiting until they can find a military solution to the environmental crisis.

And I guess we do have to look at the bottom line here and be realistic.

I mean, yes, we all like to have a planet to live in, but sometimes you do have to take tough financial decisions that not everyone approves of.

And if one of those decisions to condemn the world to a far EN for the sake of maintaining share prices and opinion poll ratings well, so be it, John.

I'll stand by that, Andy, he's my commander-in-chief, too.

Banky Moon also said that he looked forward to China and the US taking a more constructive role in environmental issues, presumably in the same way in which a little girl looks forward to her absent father bringing her a pony on her birthday, whilst knowing deep down that father and the pony are never coming.

Another report this week revealed that Australia's power stations are the greatest polluters in the world, producing five times more CO2 per capita than China.

Andy, this is a huge shock result.

You've got to hand it to the Australians.

Well, the thing is, they are just so naturally competitive, John.

True.

You know, as soon as they heard there was a table of the world's top polluters, they just couldn't help but win it, really.

And they actually do quite like the environment in Australia, especially as most of them live by the sea on the edge of a massive desert.

But as soon as it gets competitive, I'm afraid that just goes out of the window.

They have to win.

You're right, Andy.

And you can bet that on the day of full Armageddon, there will be a single Australian with a gold medal around his neck screaming Aussie, Aussie, Aussie into the air before cocking his ear forward for the response.

So, if you're particularly concerned about the latest environmental report, and in particular about a species that you know that you think might be becoming extinct, do call the Bugles special phone line 0800-800-800-800, and we will try and find that species for you.

In other news, Saudi Arabia, not content with playing its part in the OPEC festivities, has sentenced the victim of a gang rape to 200 lashes and six months in jail.

Let me be quite clear about the key word in that.

That's victim.

Now, I would think that sentence is a little harsh, John.

What do you think?

You say harsh, I say eye-catching.

Certainly an eye-catching piece of judicial sentencing.

It caught my eye.

If that was their aim, they succeeded.

If their aim was in a balanced judgment, I fear they may have failed on this one.

We need to start punishing victims of crime hard.

And Saudi Arabia may be taking a lead in this.

Because if we don't punish the victims, people will continue to be victims of crime.

And we have to break the cycle of crime somehow.

And now, if we had the foresight in Britain, for example, to jail people whose houses are broken into, we'd all take home security much more seriously.

It's all about collective responsibility.

So

maybe Saudi Arabia's just slightly ahead of the game there.

But what she was actually convicted of, Andy, was being in an unrelated man's car, and the verdict was said to have shocked even Saudi lawyers.

And when you're shocking a Saudi lawyer and you're not living in medieval England, you need to take a long, hard look at your sentencing instincts.

Of course, recently the British Foreign Office Minister Kim Hals talked of Britain and Saudi Arabia having shared values.

These values, of course, are shared more deeply at a time when petrol is over the £1 a litre mark.

It's amazing, in fact, how much more shared values can become at a time when oil prices are high.

Well, we do have many shared values, Andy.

When I heard that Saudi Arabia beheaded 124 people last year, Andy, I think, well, I beheaded at least that last year.

But we do have shared values with Saudi Arabia.

Amongst them are a belief in the fundamental human right of arms dealers to make a living just like everyone else.

Yes.

A belief in freedom.

and if Saudi Arabia chooses to express its own democratic freedom in the form of the brutal repression of women, well, who are we to tell it how to live its life?

We're nobody.

And also, a belief in democracy.

And if these Saudi women don't like the way their government treats them, why don't they just vote them out?

Other than the fact that they, of course, aren't allowed to vote.

But apart from that, why not just vote them out?

But I guess maybe in Britain we shouldn't be so judgmental.

Of course, just recently we put a man on the sex offenders register for attempting to fornicate with his bicycle in the privacy of his own room.

Hold on, hold on, hold on a second.

Is that true?

That is true, John.

That is true.

What crime was he guilty of there?

Did he break a law there?

He did break a law, John.

What law was that?

The law was, I believe, one of the Ten Commandments, do not attempt to have sex with bicycles.

Are you telling me that in Britain, in the 21st century, you're not allowed to bang your own bicycle?

Yeah, and as Tom, our producer just pointed out, not only is it one of the Ten Commandments, it's also part of the Highway Code.

That makes sense.

I believe the man was misunderstood.

He was merely conducting his own private genetics experiment to create a child with wheels.

Or at least gears.

A Japanese whaling fleet has set sail, aiming to harpoon humpback whales for the first time in decades.

Commercial whaling was stopped in 1986, but Japan is permitted to whale in the name of scientific research.

This fleet has instructions to kill up to a thousand whales, including 50 humpbacks.

The captain also stated that he intends to obsessively attempt to capture a large white whale, going on to say this whale is a metaphor for that which we cannot control, evoking man's struggle with fate.

But mainly it is a massive white whale.

It does seem, John, there is an incredible amount of whale research going on in Japan.

If they need a thousand whales, I do know that they are in the middle of a very, very important research programme into whether whale meat tastes nice with teriyaki sauce.

And that has still proved inconclusive.

You know, let's not forget, whale populations have recovered, and they're getting a bit cocky, and in many ways, these whales need to be taken down a peg or two, otherwise, they'll start eating people again like they did in the Bible.

And none of us want to live in a world like that.

Justice for Jonah, Andy.

Justice for Jonah.

Particularly with the humpback whales, who are still on the endangered list, that

the Japanese whaling community seem to be misunderstanding the point of conservation.

Yes, humpback population has increased, but that is not in order to allow them to hunt them again.

They didn't restore the Sistine Chapel just to make graffitiing it more satisfying.

And now a special bugle appeals section.

Last weekend in Britain we had the Children in Need Appeal that raised millions of pounds for children who are in need, but also raised the question, are there not worthier causes?

than these children who seem to be in need every year.

What exactly are they doing with this money?

I particularly am concerned for the supermarkets.

We heard that Sainsbury's profits were up by only a measly 20%

this year.

And there are now only a handful of major supermarkets left in Britain.

They're getting fewer and fewer with each massive merger between these corporate behemoths, and soon there may be only two or three big supermarket chains left in Britain.

So please do support your local massive supermarket and not all these hundreds and hundreds of independent stores.

And in this spirit, the Bugle is launching its new appeal section, appealing for areas that need appeals.

So if any of you listeners have any ideas for appeals that you think should be appealed to the appeal-watching public, please do email them in to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk

Here are the current appeals.

Appeal for the war on terror.

The War on Terror is suffering terribly from catastrophic mismanagement, shameless profiteering and a total lack of long-term thinking.

What it needs more than anything else is a comprehensive and balanced strategic plan for bringing peace to the Middle East.

If you have any comprehensive and balanced strategic plans to bring peace to the Middle East that you can spare at home, please call and donate.

Just one comprehensive and balanced strategic plan to bring peace to the Middle East could help millions of people.

Do you have any Albert Pooh holes?

There's currently only one Albert Pooh Holes in the world playing for the St.

Louis Cardinals.

But we need more Albert Pooh holes.

We want to have an Albert Pooh holes in every house in the Western world by the end of this decade.

So if you have any Albert Pooh holes, please send them into the bugle and we will clone him, breed him and send him out around the world.

My Bolognese sauce needs a little something.

I've put in all these standard ingredients, but something's not quite right.

If someone doesn't help out with the suggestion soon, I fear I may over salt it.

If you have any ideas for ingredients, please call in.

But don't suggest nutmeg.

That has no place in a bolognese.

John,

I hate to interrupt a very important appeal, but what are you talking about?

Nutmeg is a key ingredient in a bolognese.

What exactly are you doing with your bolognese that makes it the ultra bolognese sauce?

Are you using tinned tomatoes?

Yet, tin tomatoes aren't a good one.

You're a fool.

Do not use tinned tomatoes in a bolognese.

Do not use red wine.

That is a common mistake people make, using red wine in a bolognese.

I'm beginning to think this whole appeal is merely a cover for the fact that you are a substandard chef.

And nutmeg is an excellent ingredient, both bolognese and carbonara.

And I won't have a word said against it.

Tomorrow producers suggesting anchovies.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

If you weren't being recorded, I'll say something incredibly rude to him right now.

Be pineapples next.

The long-awaited Ask an American section.

So John, have you got the American with you in America?

Okay,

here's the interesting thing, Andy.

Now, I understand that he's cried off twice so far, once due to illness, once due to moving house.

I'm afraid that's about to become a hat-trick.

He's crying off due to spending Thanksgiving out of town.

So as we pointed out before, because he is a representative sample of America, that means that the whole of America is out of town for Thanksgiving.

I have to say a lot of our British listeners John are beginning to be quite skeptical about the presence of any Americans in America.

They asked him around they're just ignoring Britain.

I think it was probably after those comments that Gordon Brown made.

It's really rankled.

Instead of asking American, we're going to have some of your emails.

This one comes from Brooke Copeland.

on the subject of who we should tell to shut up.

She writes, I'm Brooke.

I'm one of the handful of American listeners.

I would enjoy it if you would tell Pat Robertson to shut up.

He is the most sanctimoniously irritating person I've ever heard speak ever.

Here is his view on feminism.

This is from 1992.

Pat Robertson said, the feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women.

It is a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.

Well, they are good at multitasking, aren't they?

And Brooke continues, spot on, Pat, spot on.

Being a feminist, I plan to get married and have children, only to turn around and divorce my husband, drown my children, feast on their flesh, before running naked into the stock market to distract the traders in order to make the stock market crash.

Oh, and then I'll shack up with a butch lesbian for good measure.

Brooke.

Pat Robinson will receive that shut up in just two seconds.

Shut up, Pat.

Another request for shutting up comes from Tori Grant, who writes, George Bush needs to shut up because he is a stupid idiot.

Concise and to the point.

And I'm not sure it's true that Bush is this idiot he's so often portrayed as.

Let's not forget, you know, he's got a good degree in MBA, a successful career in politics, which has included winning not one but two presidential elections, one of which he won.

So I don't think he can be this moron he's so often portrayed as.

So I'm not sure we can tell George Bush to shut up because he's a stupid idiot.

And if he's that stupid, he wouldn't understand being told to shut up anyway.

So I'm afraid, Tori, your shut up has been rejected.

This one comes from Anthony Murray.

Dear the bugle, please tell Alan Shearer to shut up.

His insistence that Stephen Gerard and Frank Lampard can play together, citing, because great players can play together, is simply stupid.

Thanks, Anthony Murray in Edinburgh.

So I think he's got a point.

Alan Shearer, shut up about Lampard and Gerard.

Heart section.

DVDs.

There are a host of new DVDs to look out for this week.

We are recommending the following.

Blade Runner, the Caterer's Cut.

Following on from the multiple director, studio and producer cuts of this seminal motion picture comes the version the caterer intended.

Many previously unseen pieces of footage have been added, such as Rick Deckard remarking on how much he enjoyed the chicken stir-fry earlier that day at lunch, and the film ends with Rutt Gahauer listing some things which you wouldn't believe he had eaten.

Another DVD coming out is Apocalypse Now Remembered, in which a man who saw Apocalypse Now when it was first on in the cinema tries to remember what happened in it.

And I think he can just about remember a bit where a boat goes down the river and something to do with helicopters.

For those of you who like your sport with some laughs thrown in, check out Golf's greatest bloopers.

Over 4,000 clips of Missed Putts.

Laugh as you see Colin Montgomery miss a routine four-footer.

Howl as you watch Phil Mickelson slightly misread a left-to-right break for PA and pound the table in front of you whilst gasping for air as you witness Ernie L's lipping out with a 32-footer at the 11th of St Andrews.

Oh dear.

Sport now.

Hooray!

Sport, sport, sport, sport, sport.

Well, where else can we possibly start than with one of England football's greatest ever wins?

To go away to Israel, where only one away team has won a competitive match in eight years and beat a side as good as Russia.

Well, that is some achievement, especially without without the likes of the injured Rooney, Terry, and Owen, as well as Gerard Lampard and Cole, who aren't eligible to play for Israel.

So, under pressure manager Steve McLaren had no choice but to pick a team of inexperienced and largely unproven Israelis.

And to be able to conjure up such an incredible result against a team that, let's not forget, took the world to the very precipice of nuclear Armageddon in the 1960s.

England, of course, do now look likely to qualify after hanging on desperately this Wednesday against Croatia.

And it will go down as one of the greatest qualifying performances in world football history to get through a group with the likes of Russia.

You know, one of the world's great superpowers.

Croatia, who could have won the last two World Cups if they'd been better at football.

Israel, whose existence was ordained by as influential a figure as the Almighty Lord himself.

Macedonia, who conquered most of the known world less than 2,350 years ago, and Andorra, who have more ski lifts per capita than any other country in the world, probably.

That is some achievement, John.

That is particularly when you think that Scotland, we're in a group with Italy who let's not forget habitually run away from trouble correct France who have

so much cheese in their country they can't possibly know how to kick a football and Ukraine I mean that it wasn't even a country yeah until a few minutes ago I'm amazed and slightly disappointed only that you passed up the opportunity for a French army joke there.

Having made an Italian army joke, to double it up with a French army joke, I really would have had to retire from joke making at that point.

Let me just ask you this innocent question then, Andy.

How many gears does a French army tank have?

None.

It just sits there and takes what's coming.

Traditionally, I believe the answer is one and it's reverse.

Oh, I see.

I mean, yours is even more insulting.

It doesn't even have gears.

Also this week, baseball star Barry Bonds has been charged with perjury and obstruction of justice over an inquiry into steroids use.

This This begs the question could Barry Bonds bring more disgrace to the noble sport of baseball?

You'd think not, but sadly the answer is yes.

Because it has turned out that Barry Bonds in fact killed John F.

Kennedy.

Correct.

He had a line drive off the grassy knoll and the rest

is graphically filmed history.

Also this week a sport recommendation and the Bugle is heartily recommending to you the sport of rodeo poker.

Simply go to YouTube and type the words rodeo and poker into the search engine, sit back and enjoy the mayhem.

And some quick results for you.

In fact, from rodeo poker, poker players nil bulls 8, very much according to the form book.

And now it's time for the bugle's unique audio cryptic crossword.

If you listen to this bit of the bugle on the train, someone might already have done this bit for you.

Although they've probably got it wrong.

This week's clue is Tenacross.

If you got three down right a couple of weeks ago, you know that the fifth letter of Tenacross is A.

And the clue is this.

Stop after snake makes road surface.

Seven letters.

And this is, I guess, a warning about the dangers of allowing reptiles.

to build major trunk roads.

Andy, in your heart of hearts, do you believe that anyone is doing this?

I like to think that people, as soon as they hear the crossword bit coming up, just press stop and get on with their lives.

And leave us to finish each week's podcast with privacy and dignity intact.

And finally, here is the terror threat forecast for next week.

Andy, what do you think the terror threat's going to be?

Well, I think, of course, it was a while ago, look, he's wearing a rucksack,

I wonder where he's going on holiday.

That, of course, went up subsequently to he's wearing a rucksack.

I wonder if there's an afterlife.

And I think it's probably going to come down this week to he's wearing a rucksack.

I think I'll just move one carriage away just to be on the safe side.

I believe that the terror threat level will be upgraded this week from tense to genuinely awkward.

So that's it from this week's bugle.

Thanks very much for listening.

We will be back hopefully on time next Monday from me, Andy Zaltzman in London.

Bye.

And from me, John Oliver, in New York.

Happy Thanksgiving, America, and happy week, England.

Exactly how much thanks are being given to America by the rest of the world at the moment, John, on Thanksgiving Day.

It's a kind of civil thanks.

I just thought we should clear that up before the podcast finishes.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.