Immigration Everywhere

Speaker 1 I will be in Australia for the next few weeks, hoping that the cricket can provide the distraction for everyone that it has so successfully provided for me since I was six years old.

Speaker 1 If you want to come to my shows, there is a Bugle Live in Melbourne on the 22nd of December, where I'll be joined by Sammy Shar and Lloyd Langford.

Speaker 1 And I'm doing the Zoltgeist, my stand-up show in Melbourne on the 23rd of December. And we've just added a possibly optimistic extra show in Sydney on the 3rd of January.

Speaker 1 The 2nd of January show is sold out, but please, please, please come on the 3rd. My UK tour extension begins begins at the end of january all details and ticket links at andy'sultsman.co.uk

Speaker 3 the bugle audio newspaper for a visual world

Speaker 3 Welcome to issue four of the Bugle, the week beginning the 5th of November 2007 with me Andy's Altsman in London and in New York Mr. John Oliver.

Speaker 4 Hello London, this is John Oliver in New York.

Speaker 3 There, if you needed any further proof, that was it.

Speaker 4 Why would I like you? What do I possibly stand again?

Speaker 3 So coming up later in today's audio newspaper, immigration coming over here, putting all of our other scapegoats out of work.

Speaker 4 And Vladimir Putin, hands up who thinks he's going to conduct a fair election. Put your hands down, everyone.
Unless you're Russian, in which case, keep your hands up. It's probably best.

Speaker 4 Just keep those hands up. Just blink.

Speaker 3 As always, some sections of the audio newspaper go straight in the bin.

Speaker 3 This week, the music section, including a feature on Meatloaf, who announced his retirement from all music this week, amidst rumours that he is going to run for president next year on a two out of three ain't bad ticket in which he promises to fix health and education, but not transport.

Speaker 4 He's got my votes. I'm a big fan of the loaves.
If he can't do it, no one can.

Speaker 3 And also in the bin this week's free DVD, hurdling into history, the biopic of Chris Akabusi from his birth to his untimely death, starring rapper 50 Cent as Akabusi.

Speaker 3 And I have to say that the World Championship scene from 1991 is one of the most moving pieces of athletic acting I've ever seen.

Speaker 4 Oscar Barzandi, listen to it.

Speaker 3 And this week's main story, immigration rearing its ugly, ugly head.

Speaker 3 Once again, David Cameron has accused Prime Minister Gordon Brown of treating the British public like fools over immigration with his promises of British jobs for British people.

Speaker 3 And once again, it looks like immigration will retain its title as the most infantile of all political issues in Britain.

Speaker 4 That's right, Andy.

Speaker 4 And in fact, Britain's heroically opinionated tabloids consistently prove Sir Isaac Newton's third law of lazy journalism, which is if you print a misconception in big enough letters, it becomes a a fact.

Speaker 4 That one came to him when a Satsuma fell on his head.

Speaker 3 A lot of people do blame the tabloids for the extent to which we are afraid of the thought of immigration.

Speaker 3 The problem is that immigrants have

Speaker 3 lost the battle for hearts and minds, and they need to learn from football, where immigrant footballers are known as overseas players.

Speaker 3 So we really need to start referring to these people as overseas plumbers or overseas benefit blaggers. And it just gives them a bit of extra glamour.

Speaker 4 That is true. And that is a joke that could very quickly be misconstrued.
But the media are, Andy, truly to blame.

Speaker 4 They consistently treat the delicate issue of immigration like treating a sick bird with a sledgehammer. It's not getting any better.
Well, I'll just hit it again. Nope, still no good.

Speaker 4 I'll hit this bird better.

Speaker 3 But the problem is they hit it hard enough. The bird then flies in the air and it looks like it's alright.
So they then have to hit it again and it lands back on the ground.

Speaker 4 What that is the problem.

Speaker 3 But the tabloids are quite monumentally childish. One of our leading tabloids did an undercover report on the shocking extent of illegal people trafficking into Britain.

Speaker 3 One of their undercover journalists claimed to have caught a 30-year-old woman from Manchester coming back from holiday in Eastern Europe trying to illegally smuggle a person into Britain inside her stomach.

Speaker 3 Now of course she claimed she was six months pregnant, but that is simply too easy an excuse, isn't it, John?

Speaker 3 I mean how many drug mules have we heard standing up in court saying, honestly, Your Honour, I'm just up the duff with £3.5 million worth of cocaine.

Speaker 3 So the newspaper handed her over to the police and immigration authorities, as they do with all suspected smugglers of that type.

Speaker 3 They just locked her in a cell and allowed nature and the digestive system to take their course. And sure enough, three months later, she shat out a tiny little illegal immigrant.

Speaker 3 And the way the newspaper claimed it knew it must be an illegal immigrant was that it couldn't speak English and immediately started demanding free food.

Speaker 4 But of course, Andy, the British people really don't have a leg to stand on with immigration because we forcibly immigrated our way around the world, testing what it was like to live in other countries and made ourselves feel extremely welcome at the time, certainly not assimilating to their way of life.

Speaker 4 It must be very hard for people to stomach the British saying they're coming over here and not trying to fit in when this comes from the same nation who brought you the British Empire during which I don't think you found a lot of people wearing pith helmets attempting to learn Urdu.

Speaker 4 I just want to communicate. I want to blend in and get some of the local flavour.
And of course there was the small incident of the Crusade as well.

Speaker 4 It would be hard to force your culture on someone any more than that without physically pouring it down their throat.

Speaker 3 The extent to which we're afraid of immigration is quite ludicrous, particularly when you think of all the doctors that the NHS poaches from overseas.

Speaker 3 I think most illegal immigrants only come to Britain in order to see their local GP.

Speaker 3 And now an immigration fact box. Britain was built on immigration.
Centuries, millennia of people moving here have made us the nation we are today.

Speaker 3 All our institutions like democracy, that was an immigrant. Even the word immigrant itself, ironically, is in fact an immigrant.
It moved to Britain in the 1930s to avoid being translated into German.

Speaker 4 Famous immigrants include Moses, Rudolf Nureev and Superman.

Speaker 3 If the current rate of immigration continues, Poland will be completely deserted by 2041.

Speaker 4 Many people blame global warming on immigrants. Is the sea level really rising or is Britain sinking under the weight of all immigrants?

Speaker 3 If you miscalculate the figures, you can work out that within 50 years there will be 700 million people in Britain.

Speaker 3 And in fact, there will be more people in Britain than the rest of the world within 127 years.

Speaker 3 But I do worry a bit, John, that all the overseas workers coming here are making it harder and harder for local people to break through.

Speaker 3 I mean, young British cockle pickers are just not getting the chance now because all the first-team slots are taken by the star Chinese cockle pickers who come over here on big money.

Speaker 3 I mean, some people say, of course, if you're good enough, you'll make it in the end.

Speaker 3 But I just think the opportunities aren't there for the youngsters to learn and reach the highest level of cockle picking.

Speaker 4 That's not true, Andy. They're just focusing on cockle picking in video games.
They're not actually getting outside and picking cockles.

Speaker 3 And the same with fruit picking. I mean, some of these Eastern European fruit pickers, they've been picking fruit since they were three.
And, you know, how the British kids are going to compete?

Speaker 3 It's like ski jumping, only more so.

Speaker 4 Let me demonstrate to you, Andy, just how quickly the subject of immigration can overheat. Am I an immigrant? Yes.
Do I feel I contribute to life in America? Yes, I think I do.

Speaker 4 Do I think it's right to criticise the nation which is hosting me? What on earth is that supposed to mean? Is it true that I plan to bring my family over here?

Speaker 3 How dare you ask me that question? What are you sort of... I don't have to sit here and take this.
This interview is over.

Speaker 4 This interview is over.

Speaker 3 Point proof, John.

Speaker 4 That got out of hand quickly. That really got out of hand.

Speaker 3 Well, I think you probably just should keep a low profile, John, because you're clearly winding yourself up. And it's, you know, it's quite...
It's an emotive enough issue as it is without you...

Speaker 3 stirring yourself up into such a state.

Speaker 4 The point is, I am an immigrant at the moment, Andy, so I'm extra qualified to tell you what it's like. Firstly, I'm afraid I have conformed to the stereotype of an immigrant.

Speaker 4 I did just come here to take American jobs. An American would be doing this at the moment, were it not for the fact that I had taken it.

Speaker 4 I don't even like the jobs here. I just like the idea that an American can't have the ones that I have.
And it's not easy putting up with the prejudice here every day.

Speaker 4 There's a lot of anti-British sentiment here. Of course, there's the language barrier for a start.
I'm taking lessons, but it's not easy.

Speaker 4 And I often find myself socialising mainly with people like me who pronounce words correctly. On my part, I've tried as much as I can to adopt to the American way of life.

Speaker 4 I'm now on prescription drugs. I found God.
I put on a stone and a half and I'm completely divided on the subject of abortion. I don't know how much more I can realistically be expected to do.

Speaker 4 I'm even polluting more.

Speaker 3 Well that that's that's good that you're trying to blend in, John, because

Speaker 3 the government in Britain is trying to change the way that we let immigrants in.

Speaker 3 There's talk of quotas and a points system, so we only get immigrants who are dangerous drivers. I think that's the idea behind that.

Speaker 3 But the government is also looking to introduce a practical element to the asylum gration application process to make sure we only get asylum seekers and would-be immigrants who are going to be sufficiently British.

Speaker 3 So to prove this they're putting a scenario with the Queen in which Her Majesty is in genuine mortal danger, for example

Speaker 3 in a crocodile pit wearing a tiara made of sausages or attempting to give herself a knighthood whilst doing a wheelie on the royal quad bike.

Speaker 3 You know, genuinely lethal scenarios for a woman very much the wrong side of 80.

Speaker 3 Now if the prospective Aside Grant tries to help the 5'4 inch monarch in that situation, their application for Britishhood will be instantly rejected because the correct British procedure in a situation like that, as we all know, as every true British subject knows, is to stand aside and allow God to save the Queen.

Speaker 3 It is about time he started to justify his theme song.

Speaker 4 And also I noticed this week, Andy, David Cameron, when addressing the Arts Council, came in for some criticism for saying that he hoped that they didn't give out any grants grants to one-legged Lithuanian lesbians.

Speaker 4 And this upset a lot of people and so he responded that what he meant to say was one-legged Lithuanian dance troops. And I think he may have misunderstood why people were angry with him.

Speaker 4 No one thought he was implying that all Lithuanians are lesbian, just as now they don't think he's implying that all Lithuanians are in dance troops. Or one-legged dance troops, to be more accurate.

Speaker 3 Is it true that all one-legged Lithuanians are either lesbian or in a dance troop?

Speaker 4 Well, that is true. Now, this is the interesting thing, because although what David Cameron said may look stupid at first, second, and 39th glance, look at it once more.

Speaker 4 Give it that 40th look because he's right. We are funding these groups to a massive extent.

Speaker 4 This has gone so far that there's now so much funding available that most Lithuanians are learning to dance, forming troops, and soaring one of their legs off.

Speaker 4 Thank goodness David Cameron is brave enough to bring his special brand of common sense to this issue.

Speaker 3 The Conservatives, of course, are never afraid to jump into the immigration bathtub.

Speaker 3 Just when they'd started to p convince some people that the Conservatives aren't actually Conservative any more, someone, as always, crawled out the hastily painted woodwork and started banging on about Enoch Powell.

Speaker 3 The Tory candidate, Nigel Hastelow, said that Powell was right in his rivers of blood speech.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 3 people have more or less given up complaining about the way we roll out the red carpet for foreigners whilst leaving the locals to fend for themselves. So well done, Nigel Hastelos.
Well done, Nigel.

Speaker 4 Well done, Nigel.

Speaker 3 This red carpet, I'm sure many immigrants to this country would question quite how red that carpet is.

Speaker 3 And were the Queen to be given the same red carpet and arrive at an official engagement and be socially marginalised, racially abused and often beaten up and murdered, she'd be pretty angry with that kind of red carpet.

Speaker 4 That's not the red carpet she's accustomed to. No.
But well done, Nigel. Well done.

Speaker 4 If you ever find yourself saying Enoch Powell was right about anything, not even the rivers of blood speech, I mean about anything, whether he's right about the capital of Botswana, then you really are making a very brave political stand.

Speaker 4 But as part of a bugle offer, you can collect six audio tokens over the next six weeks, and we will send you a real-life immigrant to live in your house for a day and to explain him or herself to you.

Speaker 4 Age and gender of immigrant may vary. The bugle is not responsible for any damage to the immigrant caused by you.
Immigrant views do not necessarily represent the views of the bugle.

Speaker 4 Immigrant must be returned to Bugle the following day through the post terms and conditions apply.

Speaker 4 Here is the first audio token now.

Speaker 3 Immigrant token one.

Speaker 4 So edit that out and send it along with the other five.

Speaker 4 US diplomats this week protested about being forced to go and fill vacant diplomatic positions in Iraq. One diplomat even claimed that being sent there was a death sentence.

Speaker 4 And Andy, it's always good to hear professional diplomats using language like that. Great diplomacy.
Outstanding.

Speaker 3 It's not just diplomats that are being forced out to Iraq as part of the American drive for peace and democracy. The St.

Speaker 3 Louis Cardinals are going to play the whole of the 2008 baseball season as the Baghdad Cardinals. Apparently Albert Pujols is not at all happy.

Speaker 4 Funniest name in sport.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 3 I think it's a bit of a shame, John, that these diplomats diplomats are complaining about being sent over to be probably killed in Iraq.

Speaker 3 Because I think if you're a diplomat, surely you want to test yourself at the highest level against the best and least cooperative opponents.

Speaker 3 I mean, anyone can do a good bit of diplomacy in somewhere like Canada, but, you know, you really want to go to somewhere like Iraq.

Speaker 3 Because if you can pull off a good bit of diplomacy in a country where everyone hates you, well, that is a mark of world-class diplomacy.

Speaker 4 You say that, Andy, but these diplomats, I think, are entitled to say, oh, now you want us to go over there. Oh, oh, now four years ago, no way, but now.

Speaker 4 Now is the perfect time to go and paper over these cracks.

Speaker 4 Vladimir Putin has also come under increasing criticism this week for throwing election inspectors out of the country. But let's be fair, Andy.

Speaker 4 He has welcomed anyone to observe the elections, but under some minor restrictions. Those restrictions being that you will have to wear a blindfold.

Speaker 4 But the Kremlin claims that this will in fact make the elections even more transparent and that by removing your ability to watch anything happen, it is in fact enhancing your other senses and you'll be able to use your taste and smell to verify the fairness.

Speaker 4 This is going to be the most democratic smelling election of all time. And that smell of course is pine.

Speaker 3 The Writers Guild of America is going on strike. There will be no more words written in the whole of America until they get their demands, which which I believe are more letters per word.

Speaker 4 That's right, the letter U has been taken out of too many words here in America, Andy, and they want it back, rightly so. Colour is spelt with a U.
That's obvious.

Speaker 3 So, any jokes written under strike conditions will no longer be considered funny. Comedy writers are also joining in the strike, but it will affect only the punchlines.

Speaker 3 There will be no punchlines to any jokes for the duration of the strike.

Speaker 3 So, if this comes to Britain, it will not affect most British sketch shows.

Speaker 3 And crime novelists have also come out in support of their colleagues by refusing to include who actually done it at the end of their books.

Speaker 4 Hold on, hold on, that's a punchline. You've just written a punch.
Scab!

Speaker 3 Scub! Scab! Scab! Scab! Scab! SCAB!

Speaker 4 I'm going to get a huge inflatable rat, Andy, and tie it to your leg.

Speaker 3 Scab! Scab! Scab!

Speaker 4 Also, this week, a series of Donald Rumsfeld's internal memos were released to the press.

Speaker 4 Memos including catchphrases such as Muslims avoid physical labor, keep elevating the threat, link Iraq to Iran, and that his department should develop bumper sticker statements to rally public support for an unpopular war.

Speaker 4 These were known in Rumsfeld's office as snowflakes. Apparently he produced between twenty to sixty snowflakes a day.
And just as with snowflakes, each one was different, each one beautiful.

Speaker 4 But ball a bunch of them up together and you can create an ice-cold effigy of a man with no heart.

Speaker 3 It's interesting that Rumsfeld should talk about the need to link Iraq to Iran and be criticised for it, because surely when he says he needs to link Iraq to Iran, what he means is to build a bridge between Iraq and Iran,

Speaker 3 which would be great, would help those two angry countries learn to love each other just like they used to.

Speaker 3 And there's not enough bridges between Iraq and Iran, partly because we've burnt a lot of those bridges.

Speaker 3 And I think we need a bridge building programme, otherwise we will have no bridges left to burn in future. And that's what we're best at.

Speaker 4 Or maybe he meant linking Iraq to Iran in terms of Scrabble, Andy. Maybe someone had put Iran down on the board, and if he'd put Iraq across it using the A, he could have put Q on a triple word score.

Speaker 3 That is a definite possibility. And among his bumper sticker phrases that he came up with were, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but dangerously reactionary is a good start.

Speaker 3 And my other country is a mess.

Speaker 4 Another of his bumper sticker phrases were, sacrifice equals victory, which is unfortunately also the mantra of the suicide bomber. And his patented bumper stickers are still available online.

Speaker 4 Here are some more. Asking questions is just another kind of terrorism.
Honk if you're horny, that one was actually his. And go f yourself.

Speaker 4 Then it says dot dot dot. And then it just says again, go f yourself.

Speaker 3 But some people have said that this shows how Rumsfeld oversimplified these massively complex international issues.

Speaker 3 And it's interesting, actually, there was another leak that he apparently used to get his senior advisors to just boo or hooray whenever he mentioned a country's name.

Speaker 3 And they had to be decisive as well. If they kind of went boo,

Speaker 3 he wasn't happy with that. It had to be a boo or hooray.

Speaker 3 And some countries cause real problems with that.

Speaker 4 I think that is the real problem at the moment, Andy, because now that generally people are looking into international issues more, I think the boo is being heard more and more.

Speaker 4 And there's not a lot you can do with that.

Speaker 3 But what are they going to do with Pakistan now? Because Pakistan, they've got a boo for Musharraf imposing emergency rule because that's anti-democratic.

Speaker 3 But the reason he's done it, he says, is because of the trouble they're getting from Taliban forces, particularly in northern Pakistan, as a result of his support for America in the war on terror, which, of course, as we all know is to bring democracy to the world.

Speaker 3 So is that a boo or hooray for Pakistan at the moment, John?

Speaker 4 Well, it's an interesting question because it certainly started off as a moo, but now because he's the greatest friend America have over there, I think it's kind of turned into a hooray.

Speaker 3 It just goes to show quite how complex the world is these days.

Speaker 3 And just to finish this, I should say that my parents' dog barks every time Donald Rumsfeld comes on the television, even when he's waving a bone around or throwing sticks.

Speaker 3 I think that says a lot about the man.

Speaker 3 I was terribly sorry to disappoint bugle listeners. We're looking forward to the Ask an American section.

Speaker 3 We have had some questions for the American emailed in, but unfortunately, the American in question, who is real, despite what some emailers have suggested, is ill.

Speaker 4 In fact, one emailer has emailed in asking where in England the American is from, and you are going to want to tune in next week as we pose that question to him, because that will hurt him deep.

Speaker 3 Bugle comment!

Speaker 4 A fundamentalist Christian church in Kansas this week has been fined $11 million after they protested at the funerals of American soldiers killed in Iraq.

Speaker 4 They believe that US deaths in Iraq are God's punishment for the nation's tolerance of homosexuality.

Speaker 4 Now, it's hard to know where to begin when picking a story like this apart. Firstly, I think they've vastly overstated the tolerance level for homosexuality in America.

Speaker 4 Unless their church is in the middle of a gay club in San Francisco or in the blue oyster bar in the police academy movies, and I frankly doubt it's in either.

Speaker 4 Secondly, they are using the old First Amendment defense outlining freedom of speech.

Speaker 4 And I'm sure if they could, the founding fathers would collectively rise from their cryogenic pods and slap each member of this church across the face, saying, well done, that's exactly what we had in mind when we wrote that.

Speaker 3 Well done.

Speaker 4 Franklin, I'll hold him, you slap him. The punishment for this really shouldn't stop at the $11 million mark.

Speaker 4 The families of these soldiers should be allowed to attend the church members' funerals and then to literally dance upon their graves.

Speaker 4 The church members, I'm sure, at this point will be in heaven, so it will not matter a jot.

Speaker 4 The family have said that they want to set a legal precedent so that others can sue the church if they try to do this again. And this raises a very interesting question.
Do they hate gay people?

Speaker 4 Yes, yes, they do. I think they've proven that time and time again.
Do they hate gay people to the tune of $11 million?

Speaker 4 Well now, that really is something to think about. Does your hate have a price? Perhaps your hate only runs to a $9 million fine and that you'll be priced out of the market.

Speaker 4 This is a very useful bigotry tax. It's time for these people to put their money where their bile-spewing mouth is.

Speaker 3 Now time for a bugle news feature on fuel. Oxfam has said that the rush for biofuels could harm the world's poor.

Speaker 3 This is yet more bad news for the world's poor who are shaping up to have another bad millennium. That will make it six in a row since records began.

Speaker 3 And it's starting to look like a habit, John, for the world's poor. I know it's early days yet, but it's not looking good.
The thing is, the world's poor do make key tactical errors, John.

Speaker 3 They've left themselves vulnerable to disease, famine, natural cataclysms. It just seems they haven't really learnt their lessons from getting really stiffed over in the past.

Speaker 4 Also, in America, Andy, oil is approaching $100 a barrel, which has been greeted with with some concern.

Speaker 4 People are now so terrified of any rising gas price here that people have been seen at recent oil slicks wedging seagulls directly into their gas tanks, screaming, I've got to get to work, keep still and tuck your wings in.

Speaker 3 I do think that the more expensive oil gets, the more worthwhile the Iraq war becomes retrospectively. Because all that oil, people say it was all about the oil.

Speaker 3 To be fair, it was also about the money that can be made from the oil. But it was all about the oil.

Speaker 3 And we're getting paid back for bringing democracy to Iraq because the Iraqi cabinet this year did pass a draft of a new bill to open Iraqi oil to foreign companies for the first time since it was nationalized in 1972 by Saddam Hussein, a decision which I would imagine the six-foot-two-inch former genocide enthusiast is now slightly regretting.

Speaker 3 But it's been quite controversial, it was described by a journalist in the Asia Times as nothing less than the institutional raping and pillaging of Iraq's oil resources.

Speaker 3 Well, you know, I thought it was a bit histrionic, to be honest, John, because if there's one thing we know about the oil industry, it is its scrupulous fairness in redistributing its wealth back into the communities whence it came.

Speaker 3 That, of course, is why the people of Siberia own Chelsea.

Speaker 3 It must be a source of real comfort to old Arkady Gregoryevich as he comes back from another hard, exhausting day at the refinery, sits down on what's left of his sofa, sips on his nightly gruel, sticks sky sports on and sees Andrei Shevchenko sitting on the bench and thinks to himself, I paid for that.

Speaker 3 F central heating.

Speaker 4 Now airlines have come in for a lot of criticism Andy, so thankfully Boeing have stepped up this week and announced the creation of a 3,000 mile long plane which will lie across the Atlantic Ocean meaning that you can go from London to New York in around no minutes.

Speaker 4 You will have to walk though and simultaneously they have announced Boeing Business Class which will have a slightly more cushioned floor.

Speaker 3 Is biofuels much of an issue in America John?

Speaker 4 Well yeah because people love burning things, Andy. So biofuels are about as far as America is willing to go in terms of alternative energies.
People love burning things here.

Speaker 4 And the problem with energy sources like solar and tidal power is that you can't burn them. And really, they like to burn things.
Otherwise, you just don't feel like you're getting energy.

Speaker 4 That's why nuclear power isn't really that.

Speaker 4 Splitting something isn't as good as burning something.

Speaker 4 It's not really energy, is it, unless it's something is burning. I don't know much about energy, but what I do know is this.
Something has to burn.

Speaker 3 Well, it's interesting you should say that because in Britain, we've always been pioneers of alternative energies, and we were the first nation in the world to use Catholics as a fuel.

Speaker 3 Fact. In fact, Britain was entirely powered by burning Catholics for almost 200 years until the government.
Was it the early 17th century they switched to witch power?

Speaker 4 That would have worked if the government that day had kept their promise to plant a new witch for everyone burnt, but they didn't do it, and the environmental dream died.

Speaker 3 With hindsight, I suppose we should have stuck with the Catholics, because Catholics are, after all, a naturally renewable resource.

Speaker 4 That's a theological fact. And I hope you're enjoying that joke in Boston.

Speaker 3 I just do want to point out that here at the Bugle, we don't want to offend any Catholics. And I should point out that joke is okay because I'm Jewish.
And John looks Jewish. So it's fine.

Speaker 3 Because let's face it, we have copped some shit from the Catholics over the years. Let's just call that joke a little bit of payback.
One all.

Speaker 3 Or two, one if you count us killing Jesus.

Speaker 3 But he was guilty. Don't Don't want to rake over old Coles.
He was guilty.

Speaker 4 Under the laws of the time, he was guilty, Andy. That's what people fail to remember.
All laws make sense in context. We learned this from sports.

Speaker 4 Punching someone repeatedly in the face, Andy, is lauded in boxing, but is seriously frowned upon in ping-pong. Jesus was guilty.
He was guilty, technically.

Speaker 3 If you have any feedback on this section of this week's bugle, do email us to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk and in the subject box type in capital letters burn in hell.

Speaker 4 In fact we had an email from David Heffron concerning this subject. He said I think terrorists stole my bike yesterday.

Speaker 4 They're forcing me back into my car so I can use up more petrol and force up the prices.

Speaker 4 David, on behalf of the American people and more importantly the American military, I swear to you that we will get your bike back.

Speaker 4 It may take 20 years, David, and thousands of people will probably die, but to not get your bike back would be to let the terrorists win.

Speaker 3 And I'll be damned if I'm going to let that happen, David.

Speaker 3 Those bastards are going to give your bike back.

Speaker 3 Well, interestingly, another bugle listener, Benedict Chambers, also blames the terrorists. Someone, he writes, keeps on stealing the lamps from my bicycle.

Speaker 3 I know that I don't live in Peru, but could this be the Shining Path group?

Speaker 3 So what is it with terrorists and bicycles these days? Yeah,

Speaker 4 it's not the Peruvians, though.

Speaker 4 They do very little work outside South America. Very little.
I mean, the chance is very remote.

Speaker 3 But I just think the fact that you could even think that shows how bad terrorism is. True.
It really should be banned.

Speaker 4 Unless the kids from his neighbouring estate are working for the Peruvians.

Speaker 3 And I wouldn't rule that out.

Speaker 3 Bugle comment.

Speaker 3 The Iraqi government... is to end the immunity from prosecution currently enjoyed by private security contractors in Iraq.

Speaker 3 There are few perks involved with working for a private security firm in the ongoing chaos that is modern-day Iraq.

Speaker 3 The constant threat of danger, the hostility of the locals, the feeling that you are risking your own well-being to safeguard the commercial interests of others.

Speaker 3 So it seems deeply unfair that the Iraqi government is now set to deny these brave men the right to their one outlet for letting off steam and enjoying themselves, opening fire on Iraqi civilians without fear of legal ramifications.

Speaker 4 Every job needs its perks.

Speaker 3 Office workers have the right to liberate stationery. Truck drivers are free to treat themselves to scaring other motorists with unnecessarily hostile tailgating.

Speaker 3 If Iraq truly wants to join the happy throng of free, freedom-loving countries, it must extend those freedoms to those who, every now and again, and through no fault of their own, want to express their freedom to gun down passers-by for a laugh.

Speaker 3 And now it's time for the fourth clue in the Bugle's unique audio-cryptic crossword. This week, it's five across.

Speaker 3 Even if you've got the three previous answers right, you will have no letters for this. It's six letters long, split into two words of four and two.

Speaker 3 And this is a clue that really touches on the nature of our celebrity-obsessed culture these days. And the clue is this: take financial advantage from finding one-time Wimbledon champion at home.

Speaker 3 For two.

Speaker 3 Think about it.

Speaker 3 Think about it hard.

Speaker 3 And then ask your mum for help.

Speaker 3 Travel supplement.

Speaker 4 Why not visit Pakistan this week? If you like civil unrest, then you'll struggle to find a travel package more civil unrestier than Pakistan. It really is a boom nation in every sense of the word.

Speaker 4 Let me tell you, when the government puts a nation on the do not travel list, it means one thing and one thing only. Bargain flights.

Speaker 4 Stretch out in a plane that you are guaranteed to have almost entirely to yourself and enjoy the hospitality you could only get from people who cannot believe that you're there.

Speaker 4 If you haven't visited Pakistan under military law, you haven't visited Pakistan.

Speaker 3 Now, where to take your fish this winter? If you have a goldfish, why not try Lake Baikal in Siberia for a bracing winter dip?

Speaker 3 Or if you have a fish that really loves the sea, why not take it a swim off the coast of Chile?

Speaker 4 Egypt! Do you want to see the mummified face of a 3,000-year-old teenager?

Speaker 3 Me too!

Speaker 4 So I'll see you in Luxor, where the body of King Tut has gone on display for the first time. I'm sure that won't be throwing up any old Egyptian curses at all.

Speaker 4 Egypt's antiquities chief, Zahi Hawass, told reporters: The Golden Boy has magic and mystery, and therefore, every person all over the world will see what Egypt is doing to preserve the Golden Boy.

Speaker 4 And all of them, I'm sure, will come to see the Golden Boy. Hawass had made a bet with a rival antiquities expert on how many times he could say Golden Boy in a sentence.
Hawass won the bet.

Speaker 4 His rival is now dead.

Speaker 4 Sport now, and England is officially bidding for the 2018 Football World Cup.

Speaker 4 And for our American listeners, that is football in the sense that we understand it, not the word that you choose to use for it.

Speaker 4 A word I cannot personally utter now, the reason being, if I ever do say that word, somewhere in the world, a British person dies.

Speaker 4 And then you have to clap your hands and say, I do believe in our national sports. And it's easy to forget and you've got body bags on your content.
It's just not worth it.

Speaker 4 The fact is though, Andy, we shouldn't be bidding for the World Cup. It should already be ours.
We invented football. We should have first choice on both this or any World Cup.

Speaker 4 In fact, we invented all sport. Don't listen to what the ancient Greeks said.
That was gay wrestling. That's not a sport.
That's a pastime. We care about it more than any other countries.

Speaker 4 It should be ours. Bring the World Cup back home.

Speaker 3 I'd go further than that, John, and say that we invented football so much more than any other country that we should be be the only team allowed in the World Cup.

Speaker 3 And it should be held every year in Wembley Stadium, England, against no one. Yes.

Speaker 3 And we will probably win on penalties.

Speaker 4 Well, this is easily done.

Speaker 4 If and when we don't qualify for the European Championships, we can just stage our own European Championships against ourselves and we'll probably go out in the semi-final.

Speaker 4 But still, it would be great for the country. Similarly, if we lose this World Cup bid, let's just stage the World Cup ourselves.
We're the only team that's important anyway.

Speaker 3 And in speed surgery, Europe beat the USA to retain the Tilda B trophy with some outstandingly rapid major operations under pressure, thrilling a capacity crowd in the Turner Hall at Luscombe Hospital.

Speaker 3 Star British surgeon Strettel Brown from St. Trevor's Hospital for the Inert made the decisive play when he performed a kidney transplant in a British record 3 minutes and 18 seconds.

Speaker 3 Europe had taken an early lead in the appendectomies when teenage German prodigy Monia Cohen whipped out seven of the useless gastric appendages within the two-minute time limit, a personal best, and easily beat Washington General Hospital's Jarvis Malone, who dropped his scalpel inside a patient and in retrieving it was penalised for a triple I offence and illegal intestinal incision.

Speaker 3 In the plastic surgery discipline the American world champion trio of Skinner Guest and Robshaw performed their signature treble boob job in a season's best 79.65 seconds, although Hungary's Nikista Fugaros kept Europe in it with some excellent nipping and tucking that had a frumpy German house row looking a good five years younger in minutes.

Speaker 3 Dutchman Jurns Krolevens completely outwitted Puerto Rican-born Gomez Saialo with a brilliant piece of quick-fire keyhole.

Speaker 3 And Denmark's Danny Kerr Brucker's phenomenal stitch work maintained Europe's advantage as the legendary Californian heart specialist and three-time golden swab winner Masson Voli skewered the wrong ventricle and incurred a 30-second penalty for unnecessary death.

Speaker 3 So Europe were triumphant again and the Americans, so dominant in individual surgery, once again failed to gel as a team.

Speaker 3 So that's it from the Bugle this week. Next week we will be asking the American unless he's ill again and we will also be examining the world and stuff in it.

Speaker 4 That sounds like a punchline. Scub!

Speaker 3 Scub! Scub! Scub! Scub! Scub!

Speaker 3 Scub!