California's Burning

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Welcome to issue three of the bugle, the 29th of October 2007.

Or if you don't, listen to it on the first day, it's available, maybe the 30th of October.

So welcome to the show.

I'm Andy Zoltzman here in London and in New York hello John Oliver.

Hello Andy.

USA.

USA.

USA of course currently on fire.

UK not on fire.

1-0 to the USA.

Coming up on today's bugle, fire, fire.

Good and bad news coming out of America this week, depending on what your interests are.

Good news if you're a fan of fires.

Bad news if you're a fan of Southern California.

And in sport, England win the 2007 Rugby Rugby World Cup after a Stewards inquiry.

That is now official we are still World Cup champions.

As always, some sections, as with any newspaper, go straight in the bin.

This week, the business section is going in the bin with its lead story that BP has received a $300 million fine for price fixing, but they have promised they will pass it on to their loyal customers, so don't worry on their behalf.

The motoring section, I'm afraid, that's straight in the bin, including the review of the new Altabelli Conte, the first car to be fitted with a cliff cliff sensor to stop you driving off cliffs.

Also has a replay screen on the roof so you can watch back any particularly outstanding pieces of parking.

Also in the bin is the motoring section's How to Drive Luck a Tit Guide, 24 pages that appear to be read by everyone in London.

So the top story this week, California is, has been and probably will forever be now on fire.

There's been a bit of controversy over what caused this fire.

Harry Reid, the Democratic Party chairman, claimed it was global warming before backtracking and saying, well, it's probably a lot of things and then muttering under his breath, you're going to use that quote about global warming, aren't you?

Stupid Harry.

Stupid Harry.

Well, I think it probably is global warming.

I think it's the environment striking back.

The environment's taken a lot of punishment and it's come off the ropes, fighting and setting fire to stuff.

It's rope-adoked us for a couple of centuries.

But I think George W.

Bush has to take a lot of blame for this because he's been very weak with the environment this year.

Now traditionally he's always been heroically strong in the face of the threat the environment poses to the world saying that we must stand up to the environment.

We can't negotiate with it because that would make us appear weak.

But even he this year has given in to the environment.

He signed up to the G8's non-binding verbal agreement to think about the environment at least once a week from now on.

He does now have a picture of a tree on his desk, so it appears that the leopard is starting to Tipx over some of his spots.

And it's a snow leopard so the joke stands.

Currently the environment is the very worst terrorist out there and you know who I blame for all of this Andy?

Not Bush, Al Gore.

He's announced that he's not planning on running for president of the United States but that is clearly because what is actually lining up is ruling the earth and it makes me sick Andy.

He's been actively and openly supporting and funding this earth.

It makes me sick.

Well, rightly so.

I for one Andy will not give in to these planets ludicrous demands.

No pollution, no greenhouse gases.

This planet is un-American, Andy.

It hates my recently acquired freedoms.

Al Gore is a globe lover, an earth sympathiser.

He's the worst kind of planet pleaser.

Well, I've got news for you, Gore.

I live in America, not the world.

But I've just become increasingly worried that, you know, I've got a young daughter, and because the environment actually poses the greatest threat to our Western way of life, that I'm just worried there's going to be vigilante attacks on entirely unpolluted bits of environment as she grows up.

I don't want to grow up in that kind of world.

And it's already started.

I saw a guy the other day in London beating up a lake, shouting, Why do you hate the West so much, you ecological piece of crap?

Other explanations here have been that some of the smaller fires could have been arson, but even if there was no individual arsonist involved, it is still arson.

Global warming is the earth setting fire to itself.

The earth is both the victim and the perpetrator of massive-scale arson.

I have heard some people suggesting that this is God punishing America for its licentious ways.

Does that hold much sway stateside, John?

Americans have a much closer relationship with God than most other human beings on the earth, and God certainly hasn't mentioned it to Americans.

He might have tutted at them a bit, but I don't think he's mentioned it in any apparitions on pieces of burnt toast or anything like that.

God does seem to get blamed for a lot of these things.

When we had some mild flooding earlier this year in England, God was blamed for that.

People say that was God punishing Britain, in which case he Britain hasn't been that naughty.

And if that is the way that God does punish people, looking at the state of the world and where all the massive environmental catastrophes are, then God is racist.

He clearly hates Africa.

He really does not like Asia.

And I'm not sure this is acceptable in a modern deity.

Now, of course, God's supporters would say, Well, he's from a different generation.

He just doesn't really understand the issue.

Sometimes he doesn't even realize he's being racist when he sends a massive flood to Asia.

The world's just changing too fast for God, that's all.

It's the pace of change that he has a problem with.

To be honest, though, Britain, we are great at exaggerating floods.

And these are great days for exaggeration, Andy.

In fact, I'll go further than that.

I'll say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.

Now, Fox News even reported that there may yet be a terrorist link to this.

You can now officially blame the terrorists for everything.

Now, I burnt my toaster bit this morning, and I think that's the terrorists at work.

They must have broken into my apartment and moved the toaster setting up half a notch.

That's the only explanation.

If you listeners have had anything happen to you which you'd like to blame on terrorism, please do email that in and we will judge whether it was terrorism or just an accident that was your or somebody else's fault.

Please do send them in to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Another bugle poll this week.

Do you think all fire should be banned?

If so, what would you replace it with?

Or is one rogue group of fires giving all fire a bad name?

Do email us in thebugle at timesonline.co.uk and the first correct answer chosen by our special impartiality machine will win a tip on how to scramble eggs.

I don't think that fire should be banned, Andy, but I do think that in the interest of everyone in California at the moment there should certainly be a ceasefire.

So being a modern newspaper, as the bugle is for any major story, we are giving you a commemorative audio poster of the Californian fires.

Here it is.

Other news now, and American Glamour has been coming to London in a big way this week.

Not only is there an NFL game at Wembley, but the FBI has come to London to look for one of its most wanted, James J.

Bulger, who is below Osama bin Laden on their most wanted list.

Although that is a bit like being below Roger Federer in the tennis rankings.

Now, the reward for any information leading to James J.

Bulger's arrest is one million dollars, so it's probably not really worth helping out

because, as rewards go internationally, that is not great.

In fact, Arnold Schwarzenegger Andy, who is still Governor of California, I know it remains very hard to absorb that, he announced a $70,000 reward for any information leading to arrest of arsonists in California.

So, if any listeners out there have any vital information about the fires, which they've been holding on to until they can profit from them, then your luck is in.

seventy thousand seventy thousand so that's that's about five hundred pounds in british money you see i used to find jokes like that funny andy but i'm now working and living and more importantly being paid in america and i could not and this is this is an economic fact i could not have picked a worse time in the last twenty six years to be doing this

there are other rewards out there that you can get your hands on this might be some useful information for listeners bin laden fifty million dollars that's not bad what if uh the American military finds Bin Laden?

Do they get that money?

Yeah, but between them.

So

it's rounded right down.

Radovan Karadic, $5 million, which means he's 10 times less bad than Bin Laden.

Well, also, Karadic is towards the end of his contract, so if we don't get him turned, he will be able to be caught on a Bosman.

So you won't get anything for him.

Now, wouldn't it be fun if you had enough money to just put rewards out on people, especially, you know, ones you just quite like to meet?

And they'd just be brought to you.

You think, oh, I'd love to meet Peter Beardsley.

I'll give you $600,000 if you bring him to me alive.

$300,000 if he's dead.

Yeah, that's right.

He'd still be interesting to meet.

I'll give you $3 million if you bring Ian McKellen to my wedding.

That's what money is for.

If you're rich, if you're like Donald Trump, then you should use it to put out rewards on people just being brought to you and then you release them back into the wild.

Other news now, China has launched a moon orbiter, apparently to gather conclusive proof of whether or not you can see the Great Wall of China from space.

Slightly expensive way of going about it, but there you go.

Of course, there are already accusations that the moon orbiter has been faked, as with all lunar exploration.

Of course, we now know the moon landings were faked.

In fact, we now know that America actually faked the entire moon.

It is just in a studio in Texas and is projected onto the night sky every night.

I think it might be time for us all to accept that China are indeed going to take over the world.

Britain's empire died.

We passed the baton onto America who in 50 years or so will pass it on to China who will then sprint towards Armageddon.

More news.

It's not looking good in Sudan.

Things not looking good in Sudan still.

The Darfur peace talks been hit by boycotts.

They are trying to find literally anyone still willing to go.

So I'm afraid in Sudan, like a hungry South African carnivore spotting a sausage shop down a side street, things have taken a turn for the worse.

And I think we should all take five minutes to think about the effort that went into that joke.

I mean, to do that joke anyway is

artistically brave, but to place that joke in the context of the recent events in Darfur, one might think is overstretching yourself.

Art Art section now.

Radiohead announced that after releasing their recent album for free on iTunes, their next album will be released directly into the wild.

It will be transported in a specially designed crate to the African savannah, where it will be allowed to roam free until the end of the hidden track, when it will be shot with a tranquilizer dart and returned to the crate to protect it from poaching.

JK Growling, the lead singer of Jamiroquai, JK, will be impersonating a bear in the new video to his new song, Get Out of My Bins.

God this week announced his intention to sue for unpaid royalties from all hip-hop artists who have thanked him in award ceremonies.

He will be pursuing a cut of all album sales and executive producer credits on all future projects.

And finally, in music, Simply Red have split up.

And the reaction from the world has been, how can one guy split?

Isn't it just the one guy?

Can I just say, Andy, as a fan of Tony Bowers' bass playing, I find that incredibly offensive.

Well, you and three people who think it isn't just the one guy.

I officially, Andy, don't have strong feelings either way about this news.

The only way I would care would be if they were literally splitting up, if global warming was seeing to simply red as well.

And that like one of those houses that is about to fall off a cliff on the news, we see that Mick Hucknell is subsiding.

The side of his face has fallen into the English channel.

Film now and Hallie Berry has been talking about her new film Things We Lost in the Fire.

Berry claimed that the film is best watched while operating heavy machinery.

She admitted that she missed the end of the film at the premiere in London last week due to severing some tendons in a thresher.

Kate Blanche, in meanwhile, claims that her new film, Elizabeth, the sequel, comes across best while standing on a motorway footbridge.

Books.

David Irving, the discredited self-styled historian and twice gratuitously offensive magazine's controversialist of the year, has released his new book entitled Nothing Happened.

In it, Irving denies that any events have ever taken place.

At a press conference in his special turret in Hungary, Irving said, There is no evidence for anything ever having happened.

There, I've said it.

Also out this week is Kofi Annan's History of Snooker, in which the former UN Secretary General draws parallels between the end of cigarette advertising in snooker and the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Also contains Kofi's top 10 safety shots, four of which feature Terry Griffiths.

And finally, Radio Desert Island Dicks, Radio 4's news show in which celebrities pick the eight people they would most like to be shipped out to a desert island and abandoned has been cancelled after Donald Rumsfeld complained to the BBC about being chosen every week.

Bugle Food!

This week's recipe comes to you from Hardy's, the American restaurant chain, and is their new Belt Busting breakfast burrito.

Unfortunately, all of the following is true, and listeners with sensitive stomachs may want to turn their ears away from their speakers now.

To create the Belt Buster yourself, you will need the following ingredients: two omelets, five hash browns, one and a half ounces of sausage gravy, a bowl of shredded cheddar cheese, and ten inch fried taco shell.

That is 920 calories.

That is, a substantial start to the day.

To eat this belt-busting breakfast burrito, you will need the following ingredients.

One total lack of self-respect, three reasons to live, it really can't be more than three, seven single tears running down your face, and a generous sprinkle of self-loathing.

Now, last week we asked you which you preferred, the Cold War or the War on Terror, and we had an email from Terry L.

Welch who said, I'd prefer a Cold War on terror, in which those of us in the West continually threaten to pull this globe over and whip your asses if you can't act sanely, whilst Osama bin Laden stacks suicide bombers in a warehouse while muttering under his breath that one of these days I'm going to use these freaking guys, I swear to Allah.

In the end, nothing would come of it except for a few proxy wars and more radioactive poisonings, and we'd all get to party in Mecca when the wall came tumbling down.

He goes on to say, wait, Mecca does have a wall, right?

I believe Mecca does have a wall, Terry, yes.

But it's probably best not to talk about it tumbling down.

Terry, in fact, started his letter by saying, I know that as an American, my opinions are immediately suspect, which is very self-aware, but it can be argued that few countries war better, hot, cold, or otherwise, than we Americans.

Lovely use of words, Terry.

Meanwhile, Tim Curaspediani from Portland in Oregon prefers the war on terror to the Cold War.

He says he has respect for the Soviets.

Their protagonist expansionism is the reason the West opposed them, he says.

Although theologically opposed to democracy, Marxism is good in theory, just not in practice.

So, no real problem with the Soviets.

But he says, Islamo-fascists are total dicks.

In italics, John.

And finally, from Jeff Smith, he has a complaint.

He writes, I wish to lodge a complaint.

I told you you had a complaint.

Whilst listening to your last edition of the bugle on the way home from work, I laughed so hard I nearly drove off the side of the road.

You really ought to provide a warning to the unsuspecting public about not listening to the bugle whilst driving a motor vehicle or operating heavy machinery.

Well, two things about that.

One, you shouldn't be doing those two at the same time anyway.

But also, that is a compliment wrapped in a legal threat.

So Jeff wins our award for most American letter of the week.

So, if you've got any views, provided they are not too right-wing, please do send them in to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

If your views are extremely right-wing, please put in the subject heading of your email, Nutcase.

Ugle Horoscopes.

This week we are giving horoscopes to the world's continents.

First, Africa.

With Venus and Mars lined up like snooker balls in a trick shot competition, the approaching full moon might signal that an old friend could do you an ill turn.

I think this means they're going to get screwed over by the IMF.

Do try to keep calm and sort things out in your own life.

In other words, Africa, stop having those blasted civil wars.

Antarctica Now.

You may have noticed that you've been stuck in a bit of a rut for the last 2,000 years.

Well, change may be just around the corner.

Look out for a big yellow round stranger who will sweep you right off your previous geographical location and make you melt to your very core.

Oil is on your horizon.

The Middle East.

It's time to sort out old relationship troubles.

Right, I think we know where this is going.

With Aries and Capricorn busy calling each other names, now is as good a time as any to stop crapping on about whose stuff belongs to whom, grow up, and calm down.

And finally, Australasia.

I'm afraid after last week's no worries prediction, this week, some worries.

Sport

and England have won the Rugby World Cup after

losing the final 15-6 to South Africa.

I don't know if this was a big story in America, John, but

the game turned on a try disallowed by the fourth official after Mark Queto's foot touched the touchline.

Very controversial decision.

An aerial photograph from Google Earth has proved that the pitch at the Stand de France was too narrow, So had it been the correct width, Queto's foot would not have hit the touchline.

The try has therefore been retrospectively awarded by the IRB who have also run a computer simulation on how the game would have panned out had that try been given.

Of course South Africa would have crumbled under pressure.

England, boosted by confidence, would have started chucking it around.

And in fact, England won the World Cup 42-9.

Finally, justice is done.

And some people say that technology has no place in sport.

It was interesting the reaction over here to the England team's reaction to the disallowed try, which they basically said, yeah, well.

And football as a sport in particular was absolutely disgusted and really had a go at the England rugby team for not getting right in the referee's face and giving him all manner of hell for what clearly was the correct decision.

And a spokesman for the English football team said, These people are absolute losers.

If this is what happens when a team reaches a World Cup final, we want no part of it.

Baseball!

Joe Torrey, manager of the New York Yankees, has left the organisation after describing his one-year contract offer as an insult.

And that contract offer was $5 million for the year plus bonuses.

Which is a pretty bad insult, but it's all relative, I suppose.

And maybe Torrey has never really been insulted in his life before.

It's all about being on a different scale.

Maybe bullies at school would insult him by grabbing him by the collar and insulting him by giving him $11 million,

only to have him run back home to Mrs.

Torre in tears.

Football now and the pressure on underpressure Tottenham manager Martin Yoll finally told when the Dutchman was fired last Thursday.

The pressure on Yoll had been increasing ever since his success over the previous two seasons created high expectations at Spurs, increasing the pressure on the previously not under particular pressure manager.

The pressure increased when a journalist first mentioned that the pressure on Yol was increasing, which pressured other members of the press to write stories about the pressure on Yol, thus increasing the pressure on Yol.

This led to the Spurs board feeling the pressure themselves and further pressurising Yol by looking for another manager in case the mounting pressure got too much for Yol.

With the pressurised manager now under increasing pressure, the Spurs players themselves became pressurised, further increasing the pressure on their manager, and the media reports of the rising pressure on Martin Yoll added more pressure to the pressure.

The final straw that broke Martin Yol's camel to one remaining vertebra came in last weekend's highly pressurised match with Newcastle.

An early header bike Newcastle seemed to be heading towards the goal, increasing the pressure on Martin Yoll, but the ball rebounded back off the post, momentarily relieving the pressure on Yol.

But the pressure on the underpressure manager was ramped up again when Martins put Newcastle ahead.

The pressure eased slightly when the players left the pitch for half-time, but then increased, decreased a bit, and then got really pressurised again when Spurs respectively conceded, scored and conceded goals in the second half.

With the pressure itself now under considerable pressure, the pressure on Yoll had become too pressurised, and the underpressure board sat Yoll, finally relieving the pressure on him.

Yoll's popularity with the fans and success over two seasons with Spurs has already increased the pressure on the man who is going to take over from him in the Premiership pressure cooker for the pressurised season ahead.

And relax.

If any listener can correctly guess how many times the word pressure was mentioned in that last sports report, you will win a pound.

And sporting short now, food fighting, the England captain Malcolm Scrugg is out of the World Championship playoff with Denmark after taking a teriyaki chicken wing in the eye at the FFA Cup final between the Nottingham Snack Hurlers and FFC Wimbledon.

And results now, horse racing, next Tuesday's 3.15 at Kipley under Sludge.

First is number 8, Croaking Mackenzie.

Is that supposed to be public knowledge yet?

Sorry, my mistake.

And bird spotting, Italy 3, 2 eagles and a buzzard.

Wales 1.

A sociable lapwing.

Very rare, magnificent piece of spotting, but it still only counts for one.

And now it's time for the Bugles pioneering audio-cryptic crosswords.

We're onto the third clue and we've had one across and one down.

This week, we're ignoring two down, which is too difficult, and going straight for three down.

Now, if you've got one across, right, you'd know that three down begins with an A.

It's nine letters long, split into two words of four and five, respectively.

And this is an anti-capitalist satirical clue.

Three down.

This madman lost direction, became completely confused, and had an institute named after him.

Four, five.

Begins with A.

Balls in your court, listeners.

Take it to the toilets and think about it.

If I may quote Aristotle

That's it for the bugle this week.

In next week's bugle, has the NFL conquered Europe?

And also, Where Now for Humanity?

A special report.

And don't miss a free bag of seeds.

And also, please do email us with your comments and views and suggestions at loose and suggestions at the at

all that's left for this week is the Halloween forecast.

John, how do you think it's going to go this year?

Well, Andy, I forecast that the trick-to-treat ratio will be 2773.

Right, so that's a big year for treats.

Huge year for treats.

If that's so, that will be the biggest treat ratio since 1983.

Next week also sees the return of Ask an American, so do email in any questions that you have for him or her.

Amongst the subjects you might want to ask an American about are guns, basic geography, and has anyone seen Karl Rove?

Bye-bye!

Fire Nara!

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.