The Empire Strikes Back

Welcome to edition two of The Bugle, Times Online's almost brand new Satirico cast with me, Andy Zaltzman in London and in New York City.

John Oliver.

Hello, some Britons.

Hello, a handful of Americans.

Hello, John.

What's been happening in America for the last week?

Well, some stuff and,

well, generally, to be honest, work, sleep, and death.

Same old, same old.

So, in the bugle this week, in a week in which the world's official score has now dipped to 2.2 out of 10, we will be looking at immigration.

Should we all go back to where we came from?

The sea.

The UK claims part of Antarctica.

Attention, world, the empire is back on.

Mobilise yourself, Britons.

This time we're starting south and working our way up.

And in sports, Johnny Wilkinson wins or loses the World Cup.

Of course, as always, some sections of the audio newspaper go straight in the bin.

This week, the arts section, including news that Muhammad Ali is to play the role of Will Smith in a predictive biopic of the comic actor's later life, and the technology section, featuring major articles on Where Now for the Horse and How Gadgets Stole My Wife.

Top story this week, the UK announced plans to claim a section of the Antarctic for scientific research purposes.

Could this be the re-emergence of the British Empire?

So many things are reforming now.

Led Zeppelin are getting back together.

No one thought they'd live to see that.

Perhaps it's time for the British Empire to reform.

Come on, India, for old times' sake.

And does it not say something for how this current American administration is viewed by the world?

I think people might even go for that.

Yes, we did far, far worse things than America could even dream of, but we did it with that certain gentlemanly swagger.

We were like Godzilla in a necktie, more elegantly destructive.

I think we've deserved a second crack at Empire, John.

I think it's great that the Empire is back with a vengeance, albeit not much of a vengeance, and quite an icy vengeance, but a vengeance nonetheless.

Because, you know, we made mistakes first time around.

I think, you know, we and Britain would be the first, maybe not the first, but we'd be amongst the first raft of people to acknowledge that we made mistakes.

And hopefully we've learnt our lesson and we'll do it much better this time and we'll come up with more sports to give to the world.

How this is going to happen is contentious.

Just this August the Russians laid claim to a large section of the Arctic by planting a flag in the seabed.

BP got very excited by this and tried to patent solar power by shoving a flag into the sun but it frazzled.

So really we're going to have to do something like that.

I suggest Andy that we airdrop some members of the royal family over there.

No one could deny a regal claim like that.

Those penguins need a head of state.

We'll need to pick the hardiest ones.

They'll have to be able to survive.

Inhospitable tundra though.

You're looking at the Kent, there, Duke and Duchess of Kent.

Really?

Do you reckon they've got what it takes?

Well, the Duke of Kent actually spent 15 years in his youth as a polar bear doing research on polar bear populations in the Arctic.

So he's probably ready for it.

How do you know that?

Andrew?

Well, it's a rumour.

Really?

Yep.

I mean, it's one that's just started about 30 seconds ago.

Okay.

But it's a rumour nonetheless, and no smoke.

It's already caught on.

No smoke without fire.

Antarctica facts.

Most newspapers like to disrupt the flow of a long article with a box of facts because they don't trust your attention span.

Well, neither do we.

So here are some facts about Antarctica.

Antarctica is world ranks number one in continents in dryness, coldness, windiness, iciness, and altitudinousness.

That makes it the greatest continent in the world.

Antarctica is home to more than 200 penguins.

Antarctica claimed that it remained neutral during World War II, but its true feelings feelings were perhaps revealed when it failed to join in the celebrations at the end.

Antarctica was closed for repairs throughout the 1970s.

Those are all facts.

I'm a bit worried though John that you know in some ways about the Empire coming back.

It's like history repeating on itself but only more so.

And I'm just worried that we're going to march into Antarctica, steal their natural resources and then flounce off leaving Antarctica socially and economically unstable.

And I really just hope that we treat the people of Antarctica better than we've treated our other conquests around the world.

Otherwise, there's another continent with major grudges against us.

And I think that actually might make it the full set.

Is there any continents that we haven't really annoyed?

I don't think so, but what we will do is offer Antarctica a railway system.

Well, they bloody need it.

Because once again, that will be the very least we could do.

Well, yeah, I mean, Captain Scott did try that, and that's why he lost.

If he only hadn't been laying a railway track all the way, he might have beaten Amundsen to the South Pole.

Now, there are also claims on the land coming in from Australia, France, Chile and Argentina and all claims must be into the UN by May 2009.

That is the deadline and this has become a new gold rush or an ice rush.

So let's get this moving Andy.

We hereby claim 4,000 square miles on the eastern peninsula of the Antarctic.

I think the Bugle really has legitimate claims on that land.

There's some very rich deposits of satire there that we need to mine to really boost this podcast.

So hopefully it'll be ours.

But I think Britain really does deserve it.

I should point out there have been some reciprocal claims by Antarctica.

The Antarctican Embassy in London, or as we know it, the Penguin Enclosure at London Zoo, has claimed sovereignty over Lincolnshire.

So it does look like war between our two great nations is increasingly inevitable, if inevitability can in fact increase.

Now this is a very controversial move.

Greenpeace have already bleated that it's colossally irresponsible.

But if they think that's irresponsible, they should really see what we've been doing to the North Sea for the last decade.

And it does go directly against the 1959 land treaty, which Britain signed, saying there will be no new claims on land.

But come on, we've signed a lot of papers in our history.

We can't be expected to remember what all of them said.

Yeah, and we were drunk at the time.

So legally, it is not binding.

But I think the really good thing, John, is that it shows we're learning our lessons from our mistakes in Iraq.

as well.

Whereas instead of trying to get our oil in a place where there are already people living, we're now trying to get it in a place where the most dangerous military resistance is going to come from a seal with an especially knobbly snout

and but don't write that off because they're actually seals took out more British subs than the entire German U-boat fleet in the Second World War.

But that's a good point though because you're not allowed to drill for mineral resources there and we've claimed that what we're just going there for scientific research and that is entirely true.

We just want to scientifically research how much oil we can get out of there and then maybe scientifically research how much money we could get paid for that oil.

I don't I don't see what's so hard for them to understand.

There are going to be graphs, Andy.

Maybe we didn't make that clear enough.

There are going to be graphs.

Other news now and it's not just the British Empire that's back, it's the Cold War.

What a week for comebacks.

It's back on, weapons disputes, America and Russia interfering in other countries.

It really makes you nostalgic for the glory days when the world was on the very precipice of nuclear catastrophe.

Yeah, be prepared to see comedians on panel shows pointing out how much they loved the Cold War.

Well, we all loved it, John.

Of course we did.

I think it made life slightly more exciting when you just never knew when you woke up in the morning whether you'd been liquidated in a nuclear bomb.

Yeah, it just gave you a respect for life that it was hard to get otherwise.

Every morning your breakfast tasted a little more eggy and those eggs seemed even more yellow.

Tested fighting.

But Vladimir Putin, he is really big box office now.

He had his visit to Iran.

For those of you who don't know what happened, we can now tell you that Vladimir Putin was

not assassinated during his trip to Iran.

So good news for the box office.

Oh, God, I had 300 quid on him getting bumped off.

Well, you're a fool, John.

Absolutely.

I had a cast iron tip.

The news stories led yesterday with Vladimir Putin went to Iran to talk about nuclear weapons with Ahmadinejad becoming the first Russian president to visit Tehran since Stalin.

And that is a lot of troubling words in one news sentence.

It's hard to know what to be scared about more first.

I think the reason we've got so excited about the Cold War being back on is that it is probably much better than the War on Terror, which I'm tremendously bored by, The War on Terror.

I'm really bored of Al-Qaeda.

I think they're a bunch of dicks.

I don't think I'm out of line in saying that, and I'm sorry if I offend some people, but I've thought about it long and hard, and I do think they are dicks.

And they bring out the worst in us, and that to me is the sign of a real dick.

All you've said there is completely true.

So, Bugle listeners, why don't you write in and tell us which you prefer, the Cold War or the War on Terror?

Email us your views to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk and we will tell you which is the best next week.

What?

Are we going to tell them which is the correct view?

Yeah, which is the correct.

Why don't we do that?

We will mark your views out of ten and return them to your email box.

With some just corrections.

No, this view was incorrect.

That is ill-informed and that is misspelt.

Now looking at Putin and Armadinejad together, the beauty was you really have two world-class cartoon baddies there.

That is probably two of your top three international lunatics at the moment.

People complain that politics has no characters anymore, but they are trying as hard as they can.

Ahmadinejad is denying the Holocaust and claiming that homosexuals don't exist in this country, and Putin is bumping people off like a bond villain.

They couldn't be more conveniently threatening if they were meeting in a lair on top of a volcano.

It's all changed around now because just this year Putin visited the United States and Bush claimed that he was a friendly and trustworthy man.

Going on to say, I looked into his eyes, I was able to get a sense of his soul.

And he can do that, Bush.

It is one of his four talents.

He can get a sense of anyone's soul through looking into their eyes, which is why he's kept away from mirrors.

What are his other three talents?

I know that he can play the entire works of Buffalo Springfield on the recorder, but what else?

What are his other two?

Well, he can juggle, and also, interestingly, he can run faster backwards than forwards.

Now Condoleezza Rice was in Bethlehem this week.

She prayed and later emerged saying that her visit had been a personal reminder of the power of religion to heal.

She said this Andy on the West Bank.

Let's all take a moment to let her words sink in.

The power of religion to heal.

Where did she say that?

On the West Bank in 2007.

in the Middle East.

That West Bank.

Oh, that one.

Right.

That one, yeah.

Yeah, not a West Bank where religion has healed anything.

The kind of West Bank where religion has torn it limb from limb.

Well, it's interesting that she should mention that.

She also said the Prince of Peace is still with us.

Which she may be right, but if he is, he is probably standing over her shoulder flicking V-signs behind her back at what her government has done to

the peace that he is Prince of.

No, you've mistaken.

That's Prince Andrew, she's referring to.

Right, sorry.

And he is still with us.

Oh, great.

That is.

I'd heard that he had died.

No, no.

Thankfully, he hasn't, and he never will.

I was mixing up with Liber Archie.

I'm not at all comfortable, John, when politicians cite religion as an influence in their politics or in major political decisions, as we had with Bush on Iraq.

To me, that is a politician citing religion as an influence is about as reassuring as an airline pilot coming over the PA system after a successful take-off and shouting, this ain't natural, but it sure feels good.

Now, some excellent news.

A scientific report was released this week which flew around the world in seconds.

Why was it so popular?

Well because and I hope you're sitting down it reveals that swearing at work can help employee morale and this was released by the University of fing East Anglia to give it its far more uplifting name and my morale has been lifted by that.

Well it sh sure fing should have been John.

Let's not forget that swearing at work is what won us the f ⁇ ing war.

Because we swore far more than the Germans.

It was our superior team spirit, I think, more than anything else that won us that one.

That team spirit was really created by our soldiers using the words fing

at regular intervals.

Now, Andy, clearly this is a fing interesting report.

What do you think of this report, Andy?

Do you think it's a fing good report or do you think it's a sack of?

I think it's absolutely bang on the fing banana, John.

And in fact, I think it's time for the fing government to get off their lazy fing asses and bring in a compulsory five-minute swearing break into the working day.

In fact, probably two.

One in the morning, one in the afternoon.

Not swearing is costing the British economy in the region of £38 billion

a year.

Now, here are some details from the study.

One, swearing should be discouraged in front of customers.

Now, what I like about that is they're not saying it's a total no-no, Andy.

They're just saying, pick your customer.

Well,

if you're a doctor, say, and you've got some tragic news to break to someone, then yes, it is fing cancer, isn't it?

Let's be honest about it.

It's not just plain old cancer.

It's fing cancer.

You're right.

You're not going to get someone saying, Will you mind your language, please?

What I feel about this as well, it's good to see a British educational institution getting in on the ludicrous research project business.

Because for too long, it's been monopolised by colleges here in America.

Usually, it's some institute in Wisconsin which hits the papers with findings like red wine can make you live forever, Brussels sprouts can cure AIDS, and broad beans are magic.

It's good that UEA has muscled in on this lucrative little oil strip.

To bring this to a volcanic conclusion this section, um let's test this research out now.

Um firstly, how are you feeling at the moment?

Alright.

You feeling okay?

Now, uh what I'd like you to do is answer that question again, but after you've unleashed twenty seconds of swearing eruptive mayhem at me, um starting

now.

Well f you John, I'm having a f

day so far and I hope this f barrage of f swearing is gonna ferk me up, because frankly there's absolutely f all else going on in my life at the moment and I f me swearing or else there's no fing point in fing going on so f you.

Time's up and how do you feel now?

Oh I feel great John.

I feel like the Queen of Sheba on a quad bike.

So clearly this research

works.

Ask an American.

Now you may remember last week that I gave you the opportunity to ask a real live American anything that was on your mind.

Well, that American is with me in the studio now.

Hello?

Hey, how you doing?

Now, you are an American, but to prove that...

Oh, yeah, tried and true, baby.

To prove that to British listeners, is there anything you can tell us that only an American would know?

Well, I mean, I could tell you a little bit about myself.

Sure.

I own seven firearms.

I also enjoy things like beer.

I think the Olive Garden has delicious Italian food.

That means nothing to us.

We don't have the Olive Garden.

So that's proof.

That is the clinching bit of proof.

This guy is American.

You know?

His story checks out, Andy.

His story checks out.

It does check out.

Okay, so here are the questions that we've had this week.

First,

dear American, thanks so much for getting us into this mess in Iraq.

Any idea when we might leave?

That's from Ian Semper from Tewkesbury.

First of all, you're very welcome.

Second of all, when will we leave?

I think you've already answered that because I think you guys are talking tail and running already from the last time I checked.

I think you cut back from 5,000 000 troops to 2 500 i mean what is that that's like a what is that like a football team or an army you got over there

what does tuck entail

i wouldn't expect you to understand what i'm saying is this country understands war okay i don't think british people understand war see wars war is in our history it's in our history

oh my goodness let me take you back to a little war i like to call w-w-2

okay i remember you guys grapping in your breeches or whatever you call them You're freaking out, you're scared, and who comes in?

Uncle Sam and his army of handsome blokes.

Yeah, you were just a closing picture.

Let me just explain.

This country, America, understands war.

We're a war nation, okay?

We've been at war for a long time.

We'll continue to be at war.

It's what makes us Americans.

Okay?

And if you don't want to be in the war with us, that's fine.

I hope that answers your question, Ian.

Andy, do you have a letter?

I do have a letter.

It is such dear American.

What is up with the dollar?

Love from Heidi Range.

I'm assuming you're referring to the American dollar.

Yep.

The U.S.

dollar.

And I'll tell you, a lot of people keep telling me the American dollar is weak now.

Overseas, it's not going to buy you as much.

I'm going to tell you right now, I think that's bullshit.

I don't know if I could say that on the air or not, but that's what I think that is.

Let me throw a question back at you guys.

Okay.

What's the color of money?

Green.

It's always been the answer to that question.

No, it's always been the answer.

I don't think the Romans.

What color is the American dollar?

Well, it's green.

It's also, it's white and green, but Not really.

It's mainly green.

It's not just green.

It is mainly green.

I have a ton of it in my pocket.

You want me to pull it out?

I'll pull it out of my pocket.

I go into a store, say, in London, okay, something costs 10 pounds or whatever you call that.

That makes no sense to me, first of all, because 10 pounds is like a weight to me.

Okay, it's not a dollar.

But fine.

You want to call it pounds?

Fine.

We just want to do it.

You want to keep things confusing.

I go into a store, something's worth 10 pounds.

I hand the guy $10 American.

You're telling me he's not going to give me that said item?

That is what I'm telling you.

I don't believe you.

I think he's going to see that $10 bill.

His eyes are going to roll back in his head.

He's going to go, holy crap, American money.

Obviously, the most valuable money in the world because it's American, and he's going to give me that item.

The economy might say one thing, but I think people know, and that's what matters.

That's interesting.

That's interesting.

So, you put your faith not in the economy, but in people.

Look, it's all make-believe.

Okay?

And that's the bottom line.

The whole economy is a mind game, okay?

And my mind game says the green dollar wins every time.

Well, I think we better better wrap up the Ask in American section before the special relationship is ended forever.

I got nothing else to do.

I'm actually currently unemployed.

That's not because of our economy.

Something that happened at work.

My boss told me to do something I didn't agree with.

Plus, he was looking at my ass.

That is, I hope you've had your questions adequately answered by the American here.

If you have any more questions for this American or any other American, please do email them in the coming weeks.

And the email address is thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Yeah.

The Bugle Letters section.

Well, thank you very, very much, those of you who've written in to the Bugle.

This week, we've heard from a Mr.

Jimmy Barber who has accused us of stealing the weather forecast map that was in the visual version of the Bugle, which you can get on the Bugle page on Times Online.

I would accuse the people who we've been accused of stealing it off, of stealing the shape of Britain off Britain.

It belongs to Britain.

The copyright is owned by Britain, hands off our shape.

If I could just add to that, Andy, we will only take abusive emails in capital letters.

They must all be in capital letters.

This one comes from Nick Cranston, who asks, has Nick Clegg got it sewn up?

Can someone come from behind to take the title?

That's what Nick Cranston asked.

John, is the Liberal Democrat leadership election big news stateside?

It's absolutely huge.

In fact, there was a national day off yesterday so people could research the candidates.

And I have to tell you, Clegg is huge in the state at the moment.

Well, I think Clegg is going to take it.

It's between Clegg and Chris Huhne, the most monosyllabic leadership contest in political history.

Vince Cable was going to stand, but he pulled out because his name was simply too long and complicated.

And the final letter from Mike Gombas, who writes, Dear Bugle, where are my brown socks?

You know the ones I'm talking about.

The light brown ones with the extra fabric in the toe and the heel.

I await your answer.

Good day.

John, do you have any news on Gombas's socks?

Mr.

Gombas, I hope you're sitting down.

Your socks are dead.

This is what we all feared.

There were reported sightings,

but that was just someone else's socks.

So, if you've got something to write to us about, write to us at thebugle at timesonline.co.uk, and next week there will be a special prize for the best letter, that prize being five minutes off, whatever you're doing.

Please, listeners, don't think before you type.

Bugle obituary.

The leadership of Mingus Campbell 2006-2007.

The leadership of Sir Mingus Campbell passed away this week after a long battle against public disinterest, aged just 19 months.

Campbell's leadership of the Liberal Democrats was, if truth be told, never in the best of health, having been born due to a lack of credible alternatives.

Doctors had given it a maximum life expectancy of one general election, but even that diagnosis proved to be optimistic.

Constantly wounded by Labour and the Conservatives muscling in on the political middle ground, and a media misapprehension that age and experience are no substitute for a background in PR, Campbell's leadership remained sickly throughout its short life, and its unexpectedly swift end was a merciful relief for those close to it.

Campbell's leadership will be best remembered for coming second in the Bromley and Chiselhurst by-election and for being awarded a Green Star badge for a nice policy on the environment.

Campbell's leadership leaves behind a party still searching for its true purpose and will be missed by some of those who would notice its existence.

And now, the Bugle audio-cryptic crossword, the unique audio-cryptic crossword, the second clue today.

Last week, you had one across.

This week, it's one down.

Those of you who got one across right will know that the first letter of this solution to one down is S.

Those of you who got it wrong won't know that.

So, here is the clue for one down,

six letters long.

Stretches across around King and whacks his ass.

Now this is a special historical clue.

Marks the 400th anniversary of Shakespeare whacking King James I on the ass after James said that his new play Pericles was a pile of absolute crap.

Sport now.

Oh thank God.

England fans look set to be cheated out of a major football tournament.

Looks like we're not going to qualify for Euro 2008.

Now of course this happened in 1994 when we were cheated out of a World Cup.

Should there not be some reparations for this, Andy?

Should the squad not be forced to entertain us in some other way?

We're being cheated out of vital entertainments.

They should put on a play at least.

They've got plenty of time for rehearsals.

It's been a catastrophic week for British football.

Oh, God.

The government has announced a cull of footballers.

to really

know

that it should have done.

But more importantly, the Rugby World Cup final, by the time you listen to this, will have happened.

We're recording this on Friday.

So we're going to give you two alternative reports, which basically are predictions for how England's win or loss will be reported in the press.

So firstly, here is what the press will say if England win.

Johnny Wilkinson roared to World Cup glory after seeing England home in a spectacular display.

Wilkinson scored four penalty goals and all three tries as England thrashed South Africa.

The first try came when Johnny Wilkinson won a lineout, knocked it down to Johnny Wilkinson, who passed it out to Wilkinson, who chipped to the corner, where Johnny Wilkinson plucked the ball out of the sky and put it down.

What a player this man is.

Wilkinson, quite unstoppable throughout his forward play, was magnificent.

Wilkinson and Wilkinson in the second row, a real powerhouse.

And really behind the scrum, Wilkinson called all the shots and took the pressure off Johnny Wilkinson outside him, who wasn't having such a good game.

A truly momentous performance from England's one and only rugby player.

And this is what the press will say: should England lose.

England slumped to defeat in the World Cup final, despite the heroic efforts of Johnny Wilkinson.

Wilkinson kicked all of his penalties, not including the ones whose trajectory was adversely and unfairly affected by physics, and missed.

South Africa called the crucial try when someone who isn't Johnny Wilkinson made a mistake.

How England must have wished Johnny Wilkinson had been there to stop it.

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny Wilkinson.

Wow, I both love and hate that man.

Now, should Brian Habana, though, Andy, not have been banned from the World Cup?

Because I found out this week that earlier this year, he performed a race against a cheetah.

The cheetah beat him in the end because it was chasing a bloody leg of lamb that was being dragged along.

But is this not using an unfair amount of human adrenaline in his system?

What?

The fear of being eaten by a cheater?

The fear of being eaten by a cheater.

So either, if this is allowable, then we should be using this system with our underachieving British sprinters.

They should all be chased by cheaters and cumas.

That way at least if Marlon Devenish doesn't get any faster he will at least be eaten.

Tantrum throw now and this reports on the European Championship quarterfinal at the Birmingham Huffdome from our marginal sports correspondent Wool.

Britain's dreams of being the balsiest team in Europe are over for another four years after they crashed out of the quarterfinal with Spain, throwing their tantrums a disappointing average of only 5.8 strops.

The impressively cantankerous Spaniards were consistently irascible throughout and now progressed to a potentially thrilling semi-final against the explosive but occasionally too sulky Italians.

Spain took an early lead when their inspirational captain Ignacio del Huovo again showed his world-class ability to completely flip out at the merest provocation.

When told there was no decaffeinated tea available, he overturned his table with one limb flailing jerk, started shouting at the waitress that she had ruined his entire day and that she and her establishment deserved every piece of misfortune that came their way.

Britain, despite some excellent wobblies from the Newcastle temperamentalist big money summer signing Wambourne Kruck, his reaction to having a Scottish £10 note rejected by a shop assistant was a classic of its type, never threatened the Spanish dominance.

And Real Madrid's Feliciana Alamia Sanchez sealed the victory with an unstoppably red-faced tirade and a crashed computer.

After the defeat, British tantrum throwing legend Josiah Kreble announced his retirement after a 15-year career that has included a world title, two Paddy of the Year awards, and a world record bout of Toad Rage.

Kreble explained, I just don't have the fire in my guts anymore.

I used to be able to blow my top with anything, losing my keys, forgetting to shut windows, the phone ringing during neighbours.

They didn't call me the human Krakatoa for nothing.

But latterly, since I hit my mid-30s, I found I just can't keep up with the younger players anymore.

It pretty much needs someone to steal my car for me to fully wig out.

So, on the day, Britain's simply not cranky enough, and Spain flouts onwards towards more bad-tempered glory.

Finally, other sports news.

Roger Federer won the Man of the Match Award for his 6-Love 6-3 winner with Guillermo Canyas at the Madrid Masters last week.

And some results in hunting, the quarter-finals, humans, dogs, and horses won, Fox-nil, lions-three, wildebeest-nil, sharks-18, seals-nil, seals never really got into the game, and eagles, 11, mice, won, one eagle did choke to death.

All the seeded species go through to the semi-finals, where eagles will play lions, that could be a stalemate, and humans, dogs, and horses will take on sharks.

Home advantage could be crucial in that one.

Quick weather forecast now.

Andy, what do you think the weather's going to be like this week?

Well, I got it absolutely wrong last week when I thought it would be wet and it's in fact been nice.

So this week, I think there's going to be no weather at all.

I think there's just going to be a void in the sky and people are going to wonder what's happened and they're actually going to miss it, strangely.

Okay, I'm just going to narrow my forecast this week, and I am issuing a tornado warning to the people of Leicester.

So, that's all from the bugle for this week.

Do write into us at thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

And next week, we'll be back to look at things like the world stuff

and more stuff.

From me, Andy Zaltzmann in London.

Goodbye.

From me, John Oliver, in America.

Hello.

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.