Gift Of Love Made By (a Hairy) Hand!

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Speaker 2 And welcome back to WSHIT.

Speaker 2 Each year on Valentine's Day, as a public service to the community of CrabApple, WSHIT provides airtime for the CrabApple Middle School students to say a few nice Valentine's Day words to their teachers.

Speaker 2 Next up is Billy. He's in sixth grade and here's his Valentine's Day video message to Mrs.
Briona.

Speaker 3 Hi baby girl.

Speaker 3 Everything's okay, I promise. I forgive you.
It's okay, don't worry about it.

Speaker 5 Everything's gonna be okay.

Speaker 3 I love you.

Speaker 3 I love you so much.

Speaker 3 I love you more than there are grains of sand on every beach.

Speaker 2 Oh, Billy, Billy, I think we should stop while we're ahead. What do you think?

Speaker 3 Galaxy of the universe, I need you in my life. I need you more than

Speaker 4 Billy, can you hear me?

Speaker 2 You mean more to me than does anyone have Billy's parents' phone number? You mean more to me than just anything.

Speaker 3 You mean more to me than golden diamonds.

Speaker 2 I think Billy has said enough, don't you?

Speaker 3 To the greediest burglar. And you're just the most perfect, most beautiful girl on all of us.

Speaker 2 Okay, Jim in control room. Let's go ahead and cut it.

Speaker 3 I hope you enjoy watching this, baby girl.

Speaker 2 Oh, dear.

Speaker 3 See you at school tomorrow, baby girl.

Speaker 2 I love you. Well, it seems like Billy's got a growing affection for his teacher.
We'll make sure Billy gets an ankle monitor, and then we'll be back to this episode of the Commercial Break.

Speaker 1 On this episode of the Commercial Break.

Speaker 1 But here's where it got terrible. As I was flipping through the pictures, looking at the photographs, getting myself all excited, I realized that she was not the person taking the photographs.

Speaker 1 Like, this was before iPhones had that capability. And on one of the photographs, there was a mirror behind her, and you could see the flash and the hand of a man.
So I was like, oh, well, thanks.

Speaker 1 These weren't meant for me. This was someone else taking dude photographs of you.
Thanks. Like, I'll reuse them.

Speaker 1 The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green.
This is the Casanova to my salt bay. Chris and Joy Hoadley, best to you, Chris.
Best to you, Brian.

Speaker 1 Best to you out there in the podcast universe, and happy Valentine's Day to those who do, to those who partake, to those who believe in love in romance in wooing the one you care about congratulations to you I hope you're doing something special for this day though Astrid and I do not make a big deal out of Valentine's Day we don't either yeah I find it to be a hallmark card kind of day you know what I'm saying every day is Valentine's Day every day should be Valentine's Day but I forget most of the days like I do on Valentine's Day.

Speaker 1 Now that I have daughters, though, I don't forget Valentine's Day. I do believe every woman should get flowers on Valentine's Day.

Speaker 1 So I make it a point of going to the store, even if it's just the cheapie roses, and I go and I get my daughters some flowers, and I give them a little card and a kiss and a hug, and I tell them how beautiful they are, and how wonderful they are, and how smart they are, and how boys

Speaker 1 drool, and girls rule. So don't even think about it.

Speaker 1 There's like a little boy who's on a face. I don't want to get into all the details because my wife hates when I give details about the family.

Speaker 1 But there's like a little boy who's been showing up on some WhatsApp phone video phone calls attached somewhere to the family. And I feel like there's a little setup going on here.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 And so I am very upset about this. Now, both of these children aren't even old enough to speak full sentences yet, but I'm very upset.
I am very protective already. I'm not surprised.

Speaker 1 I am not ready for any of this. I'm not ready for it.
So just give me five to ten decades, and I certainly will consider allowing my daughters to date another boy.

Speaker 1 I should be the most important man in their life. Oh, you always will.
For at least a little longer. For at least a little longer.

Speaker 1 But then I was reading, and I know this is not Valentine's Day talk, but let me, let's have a conversation.

Speaker 1 I was reading that now 15 to 17% of women in a study done across the world, 15 to 17% of girls, excuse me, are getting their periods by the age of nine.

Speaker 1 Nine.

Speaker 1 Wow. Nine.
That's incredible. Yeah, that's really good.
That is crazy. You can get pregnant at nine.

Speaker 1 I mean, I know that there have been random cases of this happening, but you know, they're they're saying that all the antibiotics and the steroids that they put in the food and the plastics in our brain and all this shit is causing girls to go into puberty much earlier.

Speaker 1 And if you look at some of these guys, if you look at some of these kids today that are in high schools, guys and girls, they're full-grown adults. They look that way.

Speaker 1 I understand they're not like in their brain, but they physically appear to be adults. And that is scary because I have kids and I, you know, as long as they can stay kids,

Speaker 1 little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes, enjoy the time now.
I just want to enjoy the time.

Speaker 1 I don't want to have to worry about, you know, and listen, I'm raising them correctly. They can handle themselves.
They have autonomy. I'm not here to play helicopter dad.

Speaker 1 But when it comes to the girls, I still, I think I'm a little old-fashioned. Like, I never,

Speaker 1 if you took me to a beach 20 years ago, right?

Speaker 1 I would have oohed and awed at all of the girls in the bikinis. I would have been a bad person.
How about my pool at my apartment? Yes, your pool. 15 years old.
Yes,

Speaker 1 it's bikini girl. Bikini girl.
Thong girl. Thong girl.
That's right. Thong girl.
Thong girl. The love that never was.

Speaker 1 The love that was never meant to be because Brian was 26 Bud Lights in and missed the phone call. Okay, I get it.
But she had a thong on. And this is like,

Speaker 1 we're talking like 15 years ago at a time when the bathing suits weren't as cheeky as they are now. Certainly there was ass hanging out in a lot of

Speaker 1 pools across the country, especially the apartment pools where the young kids live. But this girl was wearing a straight-up micro bikini, a string up her butt, and she was beautiful.

Speaker 1 And I was all about it. I couldn't get away from it, actually.

Speaker 1 And so I found my, I managed to maneuver my way over the course of an afternoon in 30 Bud Lights into her

Speaker 1 orbit. And we connected.
And then she, I missed the phone call. I just missed the phone call.
She said she was going to meet us. She called.
I didn't answer.

Speaker 1 But anyway, that, to me, was a track. Now I look at these string bikinis in a totally different way.

Speaker 1 I do not look at them like, oh, wow, that woman is attractive. I look at it like, please don't let my daughter pick that bikini to wear under any circumstances.
Oh, but she will. Oh, I know she will.

Speaker 1 Astrid keeps warning me. She's like, Brian, they're going to do it regardless if you tell them not to.
And the more that you tell them not to, the more they're going to want to do it. That's right.

Speaker 1 I did it. My, you know, my friends did it.
Everybody, my cousins did it. And that's just the way it is these days.
Asses are hanging out. You're going to have to deal with it.

Speaker 1 The girls are going to want to do this. And they're going to want to do this young.
And so you need to learn to let it go.

Speaker 1 Like, of course, we're not going to let our daughter go naked, you know, at 13 years old on the beach. She's like, but she's going to want to wear a cheeky bikini.
That's just the way that it is.

Speaker 1 That's the style. And I'm like, fuck.

Speaker 1 Fuck. Take me back.
Calgon, take me away. Take me back to the time when I didn't have to worry about this shit.
We still got some time. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 1 Well, anyway, it's a day for romance and love here on the commercial break.

Speaker 1 We don't want to let the Valentine's Day go without talking a little bit about relationships, romance, and love, and breakups, and all the other things that come with it.

Speaker 1 So, I have a story that I have been saving when we have been talking about the cruising and the potential TCB cruise, unofficial TCB cruise on the Margaritaville cruise ship.

Speaker 1 And by the way, people texted in. They were like, we're in.
We're in.

Speaker 1 And so, I mean, I know we're not really good at following through on anything outside of this studio and barely anything inside the studio, but we have to take give some serious consideration to taking just like a two-day cruise, three-day cruise on a Margaritaville ship where we do an unofficial TCB cruise.

Speaker 1 Now, so we've been talking about the cruise ships a lot lately, from the incidents and accidents to you know bringing your loved one on the cruises and all about the cruise lines.

Speaker 1 From the Ritz-Carlton to the Margaritaville cruise ships, we've been having a lot of discussion about this on the show, and I got a story for you. Nice.

Speaker 1 Oh, the music.

Speaker 1 Oh, God, that just brings back memories, doesn't it? Oh, yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? You know what song this is? Okay, hang tight.
Here it comes. It's the lengthy version.

Speaker 1 It's the live version.

Speaker 1 Love.

Speaker 1 Exciting and new. Oh, yeah.
Bring it back.

Speaker 1 My boy.

Speaker 1 I'm expecting you.

Speaker 1 And love.

Speaker 1 I mean, this is so diner. This is not even fun.
This is so holiday in. Yes.
Fuzzy 70s. Yacht rock.
I just love it. All right, you ready for a story? I am ready.
This is from Sarah.

Speaker 1 Not indicating where she's from, but the Midwest. And she has really thought this one out.
She has done a well, well written, great punctuation, perfect capitalization, lots of bold letters.

Speaker 1 Here we go. You ready? I'm ready.
The subject is my horrible,

Speaker 1 hilarious cruise romance. Hey, Brian and Chrissy, I've finally done something so dumb, I think it qualifies to write into the show.
I love you guys.

Speaker 1 I've been listening forever, and this is my first, but probably not last, cautionary tale.

Speaker 1 A few years ago, I made the mistake of going on a seven-day cruise with a guy I had only been dating for three months. Three months, three months.
You need to get it.

Speaker 1 We're in that stage where, you know, you're like, we're in love. It's great.

Speaker 1 My opinion. Just my opinion, Sarah.
You need to be at like six months to do a full seven days. A full seven days traps together.
Yeah, do a long weekend. A long

Speaker 1 at a hotel where you can get away if you need to. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 So we go on the seven-day cruise,

Speaker 1 three, not three years, not even six months, three months. Let's call this guy Trevor because honestly, if you hear the story and picture him as a Trevor, it just makes more sense.
I love that.

Speaker 1 Now, I know what you're thinking. Why? Why would you trap yourself in the middle of an ocean with a near stranger for seven days?

Speaker 1 And to that, I say, love makes you do stupid shit. It does.
It seemed like a good idea at the time. Okay, when Trevor first suggested the trip, I thought, wow, how romantic.

Speaker 1 I pictured Titanic level romance minus the iceberg. Cute dinners, holding hands on the deck, maybe a towel animal or two.
But what I actually got was a non-stop floating nightmare.

Speaker 1 Okay, this is where we get into bullet points, so follow me here. Red flag number one, the packing disaster.
The night before the trip, I casually asked, hey, you got everything you need?

Speaker 1 Passport, sunscreen, normal human clothes? And Trevor waved me off as if I was nagging him.

Speaker 1 Fast forward to the cruise terminal, he unzips his suitcase and reveals three pairs of swim trunks, but no shirts, one pair of flip-flops that he planned to wear everywhere, including the formal nights, a PS5 controller, a single travel-sized bottle of three-in-one shampoo, conditioner, and body wash, no sunscreen, and when I pointed this out, he scoffed, I don't sunburn.

Speaker 1 And y'all, he was blonde and practically translucent.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, this is off to a great start. Red flag numeral dose.

Speaker 1 Is there a P5 controller? Like a gaming? A PS5 controller.

Speaker 1 But she notes here, there was no PS5 anywhere on the boat. Why would you bring a controller if there's no PS5? Maybe wishful thinking, I guess.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is the Margaritaville cruise ship. What do we got going on here? You think they're going to give you a PS5 there?

Speaker 1 They don't even do that on Disney where you pay $20,000 for a one-day cruise. Red flag number two.
He got wasted before we even left the dock. Yeah, that, well,

Speaker 1 now,

Speaker 1 listen, as a former heavy drinker, I can share with you that oftentimes I was wasted before I even got out of bed. Okay.
So I'm not going to knock the guy until I hear the entire story.

Speaker 1 When you're on vacation, it's like your vacation starts that morning. Yeah, it's not a red flag.
It's a yellow flag. Let's say that.

Speaker 1 And if you're not drinking with him, maybe that's inches into a darker yellow flag, but it's certainly not a full red flag, not in my opinion.

Speaker 1 The second we boarded, Trevor sprinted toward the nearest bar like he was an Olympic athlete in the

Speaker 1 100-meter piña colada dash. The man immediately started abusing the unlimited drinks package.

Speaker 1 By the time we set sail, Trevor was dancing alone to a steel drum band, loudly critiquing the emergency drills system because apparently the live vest instructions were too too boring for him, and challenging a 10-year-old to a game of ping-pong, which I might add, he lost.

Speaker 1 That night, I thought, okay, fine. He's just excited.
We're on vacation. Let him live.
I had no idea that this was just a preview of the chaos ahead. Red flag three,

Speaker 1 the great buffet meltdown. On day three, Trevor woke up hangry and not so cute.
He said, I need a little snack. That's the kind of hangry he was, was, but he was throwing a full-blown toddler tantrum.

Speaker 1 So we hit the buffet. He stacked his plate like he was preparing for the apocalypse.
I mean, waffles, bacon, lasagna, shrimp cocktails, sushi, bread rolls.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a great thing about a cruise ship, too. This is a yellow flag again, but putting it all together, I see where you're going with this.
He put it all on one plate.

Speaker 1 He gets back to the table, takes two steps backwards, and drops the entire plate on the floor. Here's where it gets weird.

Speaker 1 Trevor just stood there, frozen, staring at the floor like he had witnessed a murder. Meanwhile, the staff and I are frantically trying to clean up what he just did.
What was I supposed to do?

Speaker 1 What was he supposed to do? Turn around, and then he just leaves. What? Just walked away.
No apology, no explanation. Like the buffet was now haunted, and he could never return.

Speaker 1 Red flag number four, he got jealous. of the cruise director.

Speaker 1 That night we went to a comedy show and the cruise director, a very nice married man, a 50-something dad, I assume, whose job is literally to entertain people, made a joke.

Speaker 1 And when I laughed a little too hard, Trevor got weird. Trevor did not like this.
He got quiet, sulky, and

Speaker 1 when I asked what was wrong, he muttered, well, if you think he's so funny, maybe you should date him instead. Oh, God.
I had to sit there and explain to a grown man.

Speaker 1 that I was not planning to run away with the cruise director, sir. This man announces shuffleboard tournaments.
Please calm yourself down. That leads to red flag number five.

Speaker 1 He lost his wallet and somehow blamed me. Oh.
On the last day, Trevor lost his wallet. Now, what, um, now was where I now was where,

Speaker 1 wait, now was I there when he lost it? No. Oh, now, was I there when he lost it? No, I was not.
Had I touched his wallet at any point? No, but this did not stop him from accusing me of misplacing it.

Speaker 1 I absolutely did not. For an hour, he stomped around the cabin, flipping over couch cushions, shaking his already empty suitcase, and letting out deep, dramatic sighs.

Speaker 1 He even interrogated me like I was on trial. Trevor said, Are you sure you didn't move it? I said, I literally don't know what your wallet looks like.

Speaker 1 Trevor, yeah, but sometimes you misorganize stuff, don't you? Me, have we ever organized anything together?

Speaker 1 Finally, he checked his pocket where his wallet had been the entire time. After an hour of blaming me, I was officially over it.
I broke up with him before we even got through the cruise terminal.

Speaker 1 Moral of the story: do not go on a cruise with someone you just started dating unless you're fully prepared to either marry them or toss them overboard as if you were on a carnival cruise.

Speaker 1 I love you guys. Thank you for the many years of laughter, and thank you for the free therapy, Sarah from the Midwest.
We love you, Sarah. We do love you, Sarah.
And that is a fantastic story.

Speaker 1 And this is a, you know, this is a good reminder here on Valentine's Day that there's no rush. You can just take things at your own pace.

Speaker 1 I think the kids today, the youngsters, the youths today, they feel like they have to rush and make a decision about, you know, who they're going to marry within a day.

Speaker 1 The people get ghosted, you know, they go on half a date and they get ghosted. They make no decision.
Take your time to get to know somebody and then go on a seven-day seven-day cruise with them.

Speaker 1 Listen, this is coming from a guy who literally dragged Astrid to Atlanta within a month of meeting her for an entire 10 days away from her friends and family.

Speaker 1 But that was a situation where we clearly knew there was something in the ethos. You had to have had some kind of red flag with Trevor before you went on a cruise.

Speaker 1 This, I don't think you just showed up to the cruise and all of a sudden he started

Speaker 1 too. Yeah, and I'm assuming, I'm assuming

Speaker 1 he's sunburnt, he's drunk, he's blaming you, he's trying to play PS3 on the wall, I guess. I'm not sure.
He's getting jealous of the cruise director.

Speaker 1 Listen, the whole thing just sounds like a shit show. Congratulations on making one really smart choice, and that's breaking up with Trevor.
Well, I was going to say, maybe that accelerated it.

Speaker 1 Maybe the cruise, though, accelerated it could have taken a long time to figure out.

Speaker 1 Listen, I believe in fate. Like on the positive side.
I believe in fate. Everything happens for a reason.
And believing in fate is you're either all in or all out. Think about this for a second.

Speaker 1 If one thing happens for a reason, every other thing also happens for a reason. It's like you can't be kind of pregnant.
You can't kind of believe in fate. So, Chrissy might be right about this.

Speaker 1 Maybe this was just the universe's way of accelerating your knowledge of not wanting to be with Trevor, or Trevor was not the guy.

Speaker 1 And listen, having known a few Trevors in my life, I can totally understand where you're coming from with this. They all seem to drink a lot.
All the Trevors that I know seem to drink a lot.

Speaker 1 That's true. Yeah.
Again, this is coming from a guy who drank a lot. But, you know, if it wasn't for children, I'd still be 18 Bud Lights Deep by 3 o'clock in the afternoon most days.

Speaker 1 But hey,

Speaker 1 Sarah, thank you very much for writing in. It was a well-thought-out, well-written email, A-plus marks all around for punctuation and for storytelling and everything.
Teacher

Speaker 1 Professor Brian gives you A plus. Ah, plessé.
In red. In red.
Yes. Yes.
In red to indicate that.

Speaker 1 I could at any time give you less marks. That's right.
All right, let's do this. I got a fun game to play here here for Valentine's Day.
Sweet or psycho?

Speaker 1 Let's make some decisions about the gifts that we could give for Valentine's Day. Are they sweet or are they psycho? We'll be back and we'll talk about it.

Speaker 6 Hey, it's Rachel, your new voice of God here on TCB. And just like you, I'm wondering just how much longer this podcast can continue.
Let's all rejoice that another episode has made it to your ears.

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Tell us how much you love us and we'll be sure to let the world know on a future episode. Or you could make fun of us.
That'd be fine too.

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Just send a text. We'll respond.

Speaker 6 Now, I'm going to go check the mailbox for payment while you check out our sponsors, and then we'll return to this episode of the commercial break.

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Speaker 1 All right, so I was in the shower and I was thinking about what can we do something fun for Valentine's Day? And you know, there's a lot of different

Speaker 1 things that people talk about on Valentine's Day podcast like ours talk about on Valentine's Day.

Speaker 1 But I was thinking about all the gifts that I've gotten over the years from various lovers and of the sort. Lovers, that's what I like to call them.
I like to call them lovers. Former lovers.

Speaker 1 Yes, former lovers, former mistresses of the night, if you will, Chrissy. I was known to be a coxman in my younger years.
I saw it. I didn't get laid much, but you know, I saw it in everybody.

Speaker 1 I got a lot of phone numbers. I was your wing girl.
Not real phone numbers. That's right.
You were my wing girl. I was, I had, I had a thing.
It was a thing. You did.
I wasn't like a pickup artist.

Speaker 1 I certainly wasn't walking home with girls all over my shoulders every single night. You know, I wasn't that guy, but I had a way of wearing you down.

Speaker 1 You did? Mainly bartenders. I think I've shared that.
By the end of the night.

Speaker 1 By the end of the night, it's likely that that bartender wanted a big tip and she was willing to give me a fake phone number in order to get it.

Speaker 1 But I was never a pickup line kind of guy, I never imposed on anybody. I wasn't touchy or, you know, I mean, I would be touchy if I knew you, but I wasn't touchy.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, I didn't come up and grab women or anything like that. I wasn't like a Casanova.

Speaker 1 I just used my wit and my charm to eventually make you so irritated that you would give me your phone number. Just like here on the commercial break, I make you so irritated, eventually you subscribe.

Speaker 1 But that was my nature. But, you know, some of these ladies, they were very sweet and they would get me a little something on Valentine's Day.
And occasionally those things were, I took as intended.

Speaker 1 Sometimes I think that what is the worst Valentine's Day gift you've ever gotten? I've ever gotten. Yeah.
I'm changing thoughts real quick, but I just want, I'm curious about this.

Speaker 1 I can't think of a bad one. You can't think of a bad one? Okay.
I'm off the top of my head. I think probably the worst Valentine's Day gift that I got was from a young lady.

Speaker 1 I think I've told this story before. She just came on a little too strong.
And when I say a little too strong, I mean a lot too strong. I came home one,

Speaker 1 we had just started talking and kind of got a little long-distance romance. She came into town when I was at work one day.

Speaker 1 I left my apartment door open so she could come there and we could meet to go to dinner. And when I got there, she was naked on my couch, spread eagle, and she was like, Let's walk off together.

Speaker 1 And I was like, Whack off together?

Speaker 1 You just got, I just, I, this is the first time I'm physically seeing you in person. I mean, I appreciate the effort, but yeah, it felt a little weird.
Yeah, it felt too soon, too much too soon.

Speaker 1 And she gave me a series of pictures in like a flipbook that were very graphic,

Speaker 1 which was great. Fine, wonderful, right? I could appreciate that's a sexy thing to do.

Speaker 1 I felt like it was a little bit too much for Valentine's Day, given we had only been seeing each other for a month and like kind of even loosely seeing each other for a month.

Speaker 1 But here's where it got terrible. As I was flipping through the pictures, looking at the photographs,

Speaker 1 getting myself all excited, I realized that she was not the person taking the photographs. Like, this was before iPhones had that capability.

Speaker 1 And on one of the photographs, there was a mirror behind her, and you could see the flash and the hand of a man. So, I was like, Oh, well, thanks.

Speaker 1 These weren't meant for me, this was someone else taking dude photographs of you. Oh, thanks.
Like, I'll reuse them. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And when I asked her about this, she was like, Well, I had taken them with someone else, but I really felt like they were, you know, I could give them to you and you'd make good use of them.

Speaker 1 I was like, Yeah, thanks. I appreciate that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I one time tried to break up with somebody on a Valentine's Day. Oh, no.
You know who?

Speaker 1 The first time I tried to break up and I just got like, I don't know what happened. I consider myself pretty slick.
And like, you know, I think that I have a good head on my shoulders.

Speaker 1 I went in there with the full intention of disconnecting this relationship because there were just way too many red flags to ignore.

Speaker 1 Early on, we're talking like a month into the relationship. And I don't know what happened.
It went from let's break up to we fucked.

Speaker 1 And then we were like, and then it was like in 15 minutes, it was like, I think it's best if we don't see each other to flipping it around, all of a sudden we're having sex.

Speaker 1 And then three years later, I'm breaking up with her again. It was really weird, actually.
I don't know. There was some kind of magic spell or something that she put on.

Speaker 1 The hard ones, with the hard ones. The hard ones with the hard ones.
And Raphael was staying at my house at the time.

Speaker 1 And he was, and because I was having a lot of ajada about the fact that we were supposed to see each other. It was Valentine's Day.
We had been dating for very little time.

Speaker 1 I do remember the anxiety of like dating somebody that you know is not going to work out. And then all of a sudden it's Valentine's Day.
It's Valentine's Day. What do you do? How do you handle it?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
So I decided to do it on Valentine's Day. On Valentine's Day.
Well, I got convinced by Raphael.

Speaker 1 Raffa was like, listen, it doesn't matter what day. No day is a good day.
The day after Valentine's Day, the day before Valentine's Day. And I was having a lot of stress about this.

Speaker 1 I was like, I just don't think it's the right thing to do. And he was like, dude, you're going to see her.
You know this is bad news. Just be kind and tell her the truth.

Speaker 1 It's not like you guys have been dating for four years, like she's expecting some. Not like you're going to.
Yeah. Like,

Speaker 1 not like you're going to put a ring on her finger and then all of a sudden you break up with her. Just share with her.
And we weren't even going out on a date.

Speaker 1 We were just meeting up after she got off of work. So she comes over to the, you know, we go somewhere.
She comes over to the house and I say, hey, listen, this really isn't working out.

Speaker 1 And then I don't know what happened. The rest of the night is a blur.
I just remember. You were bams.

Speaker 1 Three years missing. Three years of my life.
Just went down.

Speaker 1 Where did you go? You're older, skinnier, and stressed out. More of an alcoholic than you ever were.

Speaker 1 You have no money, no friends, no car, no job. Congratulations.
Things worked out great. Well, bye.

Speaker 1 That's so true. Love of your life.

Speaker 1 Some Valentine's Day gifts were just not meant to be given, and some could be considered sweet or psycho, like some nude photographs that were taken by another man.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I'm i'm saying yeah all right so i got a list of these together and i thought it would be good to make a decision about whether or not these gifts are sweet or psycho

Speaker 1 oh yeah let's play them

Speaker 1 i love this music i really

Speaker 1 is this from a specific one

Speaker 1 this is the dating game dating game the dating game the original dating game the very one okay you ready? Yes. Sweet or psycho? A live singing telegram.

Speaker 1 A live singing telegram.

Speaker 1 Sweet or psycho. Weird.
Weird. What are they singing? That's true.
What are they singing? It's a good question.

Speaker 1 I think, under any circumstances, someone shows up to my door to sing an actual holiday, a greeting card. Yeah.
I'm done. Yeah.
I say, no, that's not for me.

Speaker 1 But I also guess it depends on how long I've been dating. Well, true, I was going to say that.
That could probably be applied to a lot of these. Let's just assume it's a month.

Speaker 1 If Astrid sent Dua Lipa. Right.
Yeah, what if it's a nude?

Speaker 1 Yeah, nude Dua Lipa? Yeah, best thing ever. Best thing ever.

Speaker 1 Should we just assume these were all like you've been dating a month? Yeah, let's say this is you've been dating a month. No, no, long term.
No long term.

Speaker 1 Because long-term relationships, anything goes. Yes, exactly.
It could be funny. It could be sweet.
Somebody's trying to be creative after three years or whatever.

Speaker 1 And listen, everybody's a little psycho. You know what I'm saying? Everyone's a little psycho.
Everybody has an inner tap in. Yes, that's right.

Speaker 1 You know, there's like a

Speaker 1 relationship that's breaking up in my universe, and everyone's acting a little nutty.

Speaker 1 But everyone acts a little nutty when things get stressful in a relationship. Do you know what I'm saying? Love can make you do stupid shit.
We just heard Sarah say it.

Speaker 1 She went on a 30-day 17-day cruise with a dum-dump, with a PS5 controller and no shirts. Trevor.
Trevor. Fucker.

Speaker 1 A very large sculpture made of chocolate of yourself.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Absolutely creepy.

Speaker 1 Call the police immediately. Yes.
And does it melt? Like, I mean, big chocolate things, no, just stay away from big chocolate things.

Speaker 1 Get real good chocolate, like Godivas or one of those fancy brands.

Speaker 1 A boutique,

Speaker 1 a bouquet of hot dogs instead of flowers. No.
Romantic or revolting? Unless you really love hot dogs. Unless you really love hot dogs.

Speaker 1 I do like hot dogs. I don't think I'm allowed to eat them anymore, but I do like hot dogs.
My hypertension won't let me. But I will say, if I'm a big hot dog fan.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, listen, it's original. It is original.
It's kind of sweet. It's kind of funny and kind of sweet.

Speaker 1 A personalized romance novel where your partner is the Casanova, like your partner is the main character. And then you're the other person.
Yeah, and then you're the person getting fucked, I guess.

Speaker 1 Like a hot and steamy romance novel made by ChatGPT just for you. Oh, wow.
I think that's sweet. Maybe, yeah.
I mean, I consider that one. Tina agrees.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 you like that one i do like that one yes that's why it's creative and hilarious and a little weird yeah i agree i i think that i think what might be hot and steamy is just like me doing the uh santa claus porn reading which some people liked and some people found revolting yeah uh i would say that that might be sexy to get into a bedroom with somebody and start reading some hot porn and totally yeah get all Jizzed up and

Speaker 1 hot stories.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then the key would be that then he would have to actually do the things that were in the book true yep yes but he or she i can't do that i'm not i'm not physically capable of most things missionary but you want to be on top that's perfect for me i like that i i like that i'll sit there and listen i i practice tantra i could go for five six seven straight minutes

Speaker 1 And then it give me five, six, seven hours, and I'll go back for another five, six, seven minutes. Maybe even eight minutes on the second time.
A little less sensitive. You know how it goes, Chrissy.

Speaker 1 I don't need to tell you. You and Jeff are over there doing your own romance novels.
Yeah. You porn actors and actresses.

Speaker 1 Let's say someone takes you to a hotel where they have a heart-shaped bathtub jacuzzi. Hmm.
It's cheesy, but I'll go with it. I'll allow it.
I'll allow it. I will allow it.

Speaker 1 I will say kind of creepy, but if I know the person well enough and I feel comfortable with it. Maybe it's like a funny.
Yeah, maybe it's funny. And, you know, they still have these around.
They do.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know, I think Niagara Falls was like famous for inventing this whole bathtub jacuzzi in the room when when

Speaker 1 Astrid and I went to the hard rock in

Speaker 1 Astrid and I went to the hard rock in the Dominican Republic. Yeah.
And they had a jacuzzi with a waterfall that came down into the jacuzzi right in the middle of the room.

Speaker 1 Right in the middle of the room. It was really strange.
What? Now. Yes.
Well, so Jeff and I,

Speaker 1 years ago, I mean, we'd always go every year up to the mountains. I think you remember that.
We would go up to the mountains for his birthday, which was following. It was a fall in October.

Speaker 5 It's beautiful.

Speaker 1 So we rented this cabin up there. And same thing.
I mean, the cabin seemed absolutely normal and nice. Everything was great.
We walk into the bedroom and there's

Speaker 1 like, well, that was fun. Was it sunken into the floor? Yeah.
It was? Well, no, no, it wasn't sunk into the floor. It was just sitting on the floor.

Speaker 1 And it even had too, like a thing around it, you know, the shower curtain. Yes, same with the one in the Dominican Republic.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It had this weird wrapping around it. Yeah, it was pretty funny.
Of course, I ended up

Speaker 1 having a bunch of wine. I was like, I got to get on this.

Speaker 1 Of course. I ended up

Speaker 1 almost slipping as I was getting in and ripped the whole curtain.

Speaker 1 We've had some good times in jacuzzi.

Speaker 1 Remind me to tell the jacuzzi story about when we went to the mountains with our Russian friend and a couple other people.

Speaker 1 And her friend, remind me to tell you about that story because the ending is really funny. Anyway, yeah, that was the exact same thing in the Dominican Republic.

Speaker 1 It was a big jacuzzi in the middle of the room. It had a waterfall that would fill up the jacuzzi bathtub with all kinds of different lighting scenarios with like a controller on the bed.

Speaker 1 And I was like, wow. And you know what? Well, I'm not going to tell.
That might be a little too personal. Aster might not like that.
But anyway,

Speaker 1 we didn't put the jacuzzi to use, but we put the room to good use. Let's put it that way.
I think we felt a little nervous. You know, who knows who's cleaning those things? You know, I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Who knows? And it's the Dominican Republic. And so, not no knock on them, but you know, you don't know where the water's coming.
You know, you get a little, you get a little skeeved out.

Speaker 1 We're germaphobes, basically, is what I'm trying to say.

Speaker 1 A custom perfume made from your partner's pheromones.

Speaker 1 I would say this, sure, but you know, okay, I'll accept it, but I don't think it's the best gift to give a month in. No, no, not a month in.
This might be something you do a year in.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 A playlist of love songs, but your partner is the one singing them.

Speaker 1 Cute, good effort. I'd say

Speaker 1 for effort, but maybe a little bit too much effort for so early on. Yeah, that's yeah.
I think you got to be really in love. And it would depend on the songs.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 100%. Correct.
Totally agree with you. And the voice.
And the voice.

Speaker 1 True. I'm not going to listen to an hour of Astrid singing.
No, no knock on Astrid singing. Now, if it's Harry Connick Jr.
that's giving it to his wife, that's perfect. Perfect.

Speaker 1 Yes. If you're Adele and you're making a playlist for your husband, cool.
That's great. Yeah.

Speaker 1 A teddy bear that says, I love you

Speaker 1 and then also says sexy things in a sexy voice. I say no on this one.
I'm declining the bear that talks to me sweetly. Yeah, the bear's a little weird.
Yeah, I think that's a talking bear.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's weird. Yeah, no.
Stay away. Let's not go to the fucking Build-A-Bear workshop for yet another event, okay?

Speaker 1 As a guy who's been to a few Build-A-Bear workshops, I don't think those are for adults, but man, do I see a lot of adults at the Build-A-Bear workshop? You know,

Speaker 1 there was that talking bear. Was it Teddy Ruxin? Teddy Ruxpin.
Yes. Yeah, I had a Teddy Ruxpin.
And some people would, like, you know, put porn on it. Yes, do different things to the

Speaker 1 Teddy Ruxpin.

Speaker 1 Only after the internet came along. Right.
Yeah. The internet fucked us all, just letting you know that.

Speaker 1 A lock of hair in a locket is call the police type creepy. We don't do this ever.
Not 30 years in, you don't do this.

Speaker 1 What about the blood remember Angelina Dolie and Billy and Billy Bob Thornton or Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox

Speaker 1 I'm not into that no I'm not into that either I mean I understand some people are into that but again if you're literally I mean I know that we share fluids when we're in love with someone I get that and the DNA is being swapped but blood is a different level when you're mixing your blood together you're pretty much accepting any kind of nefarious activities they've done in their life you know you can we can say to ourselves well, I got a 50-50 shot if I'm sticking my dick in it, but if I am putting blood together, we know it's coming our way if they've got it.

Speaker 1 A month in, not unless you've been tested. No, thank you.
It would be in a locket. Oh, that's right.
I was talking about the blood. I was talking about the blood, not the hair.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, no, no hair, no blood, no nothing. How's that? Don't give me a

Speaker 1 DNA. No, I'm too much of a germaphobe.
I don't want it. Nothing in a locket.
Don't give me a locket. That's weird.
What do we, what is it, 1922?

Speaker 1 Give me one of those digital port, you know, digital frames with nude photos of yourself. I'll take that.

Speaker 1 A scrapbook made of all your text messages from the relationship.

Speaker 1 No, it's too serious. Oh, yeah.
Stalkery. Yeah, stalkery.
Yeah, that's just weird.

Speaker 1 Why are you doing that? Yeah. Yeah, it takes too much time.
Anything that takes too much time gets a little weird. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.
Make it a quick hit. Flowers, in and out.

Speaker 1 Chocolate from Godiva, in and out. Gift certificate for a massage, in and out.

Speaker 1 Trust me, Dunkin' Donuts, in and out. In-and-out burger, in and out.

Speaker 1 A star named after you. I have done this.
Oh, I was going to say,

Speaker 1 I mean, it's sweet. It is very sweet.
Astra didn't think it was so sweet. She was like, that's just silly.

Speaker 1 I bought a star for us.

Speaker 1 I did. We have a star in the third universe of Orion.

Speaker 1 How do you know for sure? You don't know for sure. Well, there's an international star registry, and you buy it directly from them.

Speaker 1 And they will name a star and they will tell you where it is it is highly unlikely you'll be able to see it with your naked eyes or any telescope that exists on earth but it's there it's somewhere out there and hey listen i could appreciate i could appreciate it's not like the most exciting gift in the world but i thought it was cute i thought it was cute it's romantic a hand-knitted piece of clothing uh

Speaker 1 probably not but you know i mean maybe not gonna say it's psycho i'm gonna say it's probably don't waste the time if that's your thing maybe you're a crocheter yeah if you're crocheting all the time.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I'm probably not dating a crocheter.
I'm just sharing that. You never know.
I do know.

Speaker 1 Actually,

Speaker 1 I do think that one of the girls that I dated was into like crocheting. Yeah, it's a big thing, right? It's coming back.
It's very, it's very popular.

Speaker 1 Maybe it was like a nice little beanie, like a hat. Yeah,

Speaker 1 a beanie.

Speaker 1 A penis beanie, like a little hat you put over your dick. I like that idea.
A peony. A peony.
That's right. How about you crochet yourself, a micro bikini, and wear it to bed? That is a,

Speaker 1 that's an idea whose time has come.

Speaker 1 A dinner date on a gondola, but that gondola is at a local mall.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. If it's in Italy, yes.
Yes. It comes along with a trip to Italy, yes.

Speaker 1 If we're in Vegas, I might even accept a Venetian that night. Maybe.
Maybe, maybe. But that is also a mall.
So I am saying... Yeah, it's like I'm not accepting it at the Opryland.

Speaker 1 I think they have gondolas up there. We do.
We took a ride with the entire family. And let me tell you,

Speaker 1 taking a circle in a dirty pond, not exciting.

Speaker 1 No matter how hard they try. It's the world's biggest hotel, or America's biggest hotel under one roof

Speaker 1 in Nashville. And they have a huge body of water in the middle of it.
It goes through the entire hotel, all four buildings of it.

Speaker 1 That's just this immense hotel and retail center and all this other water park, all this other shit. And they have these gondolas that ride around.

Speaker 1 And they even do like a little show at night where the, you know, there's pirates and all this other stuff. So we decide, yeah, let's get on the gondola.

Speaker 1 We pay a thousand dollars to get on the gondola and it literally goes in a circle. And you're like, no good.
Yeah. And like, there's, they're trying to be Disney-esque.

Speaker 1 So they put little characters, but the characters don't move. So they're like, look at the bear in the corner.
Ah,

Speaker 1 no, not in the, even my kids weren't excited. They were like, Daddy, when do we get off this boat? It smells bad.

Speaker 1 Well, who's that scary pirate?

Speaker 1 Okay, one more, and then we'll take a break. A customized crossword puzzle, but all of the answers are your inside jokes.

Speaker 1 I think that's cute. Yeah, I think that's cute.
That's a lot of effort. Yeah, that is A for effort.
So I will say that that is good.

Speaker 1 A crossword puzzle.

Speaker 1 Anything where you take just a little bit of effort and tailor it to the conversations that you're having. A little inside jokes, little cute names that you give each other, whatever.

Speaker 1 You just don't overdo it. No, make it a very short crosshazer.
Make it a short crossword puzzle. Okay, let's take a break.
And then when we get back, I've got plenty more of these. We'll go through.

Speaker 1 Psycho or sweet. For romantic purposes, we'll be back.

Speaker 6 Rachel here. While Brian takes his old man Bladder to the little boys' room, let's talk turkey.
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Don't you?

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Speaker 1 Okay, Chrissy and I are here reviewing Valentine's Day's presents and whether they are psycho or sweet. We're making a determination now.
We're imagining ourselves into a relationship just a month in.

Speaker 1 So this is not someone you've been with for a long time. And listen, there are degrees of attraction and seriousness and falling in love.

Speaker 1 Like Astrid and I knew pretty immediately that we were going to be spending the rest of our lives together with 13 to 15 children, no money, and then a stupid, dumb, never-ending podcast.

Speaker 1 We knew that pretty early. And Astrid told me last night, she said, you're lucky I've been with you for so long.

Speaker 1 You're lucky I've been with you for so long. And I agree.
I must agree. Listen, I don't, there's nobody has spent this this much time with me except for my family.

Speaker 1 And trust me, by the time I left the house, they were ready for me to go. So I'm just sharing that.
I think my twin brother is the only person that spent as much time with me as Astrid.

Speaker 1 And that's because he got a head start, you know, a nine-month head start. Yeah, in the womb.
That's right. The only other person who's been that close.
Kevin, stop sticking your dick in my mouth.

Speaker 1 You have to wonder, don't you? You have to wonder.

Speaker 1 Is there a foot in the eye? Is there a penis in the face?

Speaker 1 Of course, yes. Kind of weird.
Kind of weird. I'm glad that the universe doesn't allow us to remember that part because it was dramatic.

Speaker 1 They don't even have, we don't even have any images of us in the belly because back then they didn't do that unless you were like really in trouble.

Speaker 1 And then they would, then they would use the um uh what do you call it? Ultrasound ultrasound. That's right.
Um, okay, let's get back to it. Psycho or sweet,

Speaker 1 yeah, let's play the music. Why not?

Speaker 1 I do like this music.

Speaker 1 Okay, some of these get a little silly, so just stick with me here. They're clearly not

Speaker 1 there's not anything you would get. A pet that they name after

Speaker 1 something that you both love. Listen, you get me a pet, you are in fucking trouble.
After blue, I want no more pets as gifts.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a tricky one. No, you don't get a pet after a month.
And Astrid did actually get me a dog after a month. We went to the pack

Speaker 1 for my birthday. It wasn't a a month in, it was like five months in, and it was sweet.
And I did want a dog, but it ultimately became

Speaker 1 a big responsibility. Like, she was smart.
She knew what she was doing. She wanted to keep me off the streets, out of the bars, and away from other women.

Speaker 1 So she gave me a dog, knowing that I would have to come home every couple of hours to take it out. That's it.
That's smart. Yeah, and probably be too lazy to go back out.
So she was right.

Speaker 1 She was right.

Speaker 1 A toilet seat with your initials engraved on it. No.
No, no, no. No, no.
You don't even go to the bathroom around someone until you're like a year in. It's just a rule.

Speaker 1 I told you, there was a lady who I knew,

Speaker 1 mother of a friend of mine as a child, and I'll never forget this dad would have like Playboy and penthouses laying around the house and they would let us read them and we were only like 12.

Speaker 1 Now that I think about it, it was a really creepy situation. I'm glad I got out of there unscathed, actually.
But this mother would, they'd always always be talking about their relationship or sex.

Speaker 1 They were just very liberal. They were very open about everything.
And she told us once, while we were having breakfast, the father came down and the mother was like, you know, did you get it out?

Speaker 1 And he was like, oh, that was a good one. You know, like, in other words, he had had a good shit.

Speaker 1 And she was like, here's the key to a good relationship. Never poop in front of each other, ever.

Speaker 1 And I agree with him. Yeah.
Even though they were crazy

Speaker 1 right in front.

Speaker 1 It's weird. Please don't poop in front of me.
Now, when you have kids, you know, sometimes you got to do it.

Speaker 1 Or if you're sick. Oh, yeah.
If you're sick. All bets are off if you're sick.
Yeah, I hate being sick, and I hate when other people are sick. I know.
A giant puzzle of your first picture together.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You know, it's not the best gift in the world, but okay. I don't want to have to work to figure out what it is.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 You can really like puzzles. I'm not a big puzzle fan.
I like puzzles.

Speaker 1 But I do do them with the kids, you know? And I realize just how bad I am at puzzle making when there's like a 10-piece puzzle the size of our entire living room floor and I can't get it right.

Speaker 1 And I'm scratching my head and my son is doing it quickly and I'm like, oh, that's where that goes. A candle filled with your pheromones.

Speaker 1 Again, like the perfume, like not a month in. I think this was a thing a while back.
I remember reading about like candles with pheromones? Pheromone perfume and stuff to do with pheromones. Okay.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I like candles, though. I do like candles.
I do like candles. Even though apparently they're killing us.
Candles are a good kill. I like killings.

Speaker 1 Killing us? Yeah, something about like the essential oils and the candles with the oil in them, the smelly oil.

Speaker 1 Some guy, some scientist on Instagram was like, these are the worst things you can

Speaker 1 a scientist on Instagram.

Speaker 1 And that's where I get all my information. Well, listen, all the other scientists who were actually supposed to tell us what's going on have now been fired from their jobs.

Speaker 1 So I've got to get all my information from Robert Kennedy F. Jr., whatever his name is.

Speaker 1 A matching set of pajamas.

Speaker 1 Yeah. For you and the person, eh? 30 days is way too soon for me.
Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's not the creepiest thing ever, but like, under what circumstances are we going to wear a matching set of pajamas? Unless it's like Christmas time. Wait for Christmas, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, wait for Christmas. I agree with you on that.
A framed picture. of your celebrity crush.
I like that. I like that.
It lets me know that you don't take this thing too.

Speaker 1 You're not taking yourselves too seriously and that you can appreciate that Dua Lipa's a beautiful woman. Yeah, I appreciate that.
I like that.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get asked her to Joe Jonas shirtless picture for Valentine's Day. That's what I'm going to do.

Speaker 1 You think it's a little creepy? You don't like it? I don't think it's creepy. I just wouldn't care for it, but I would.
But that's just me. All right.

Speaker 1 Private chef for the night. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a good idea. This is 100% legit.
A private chef for the night is thoughtful.

Speaker 1 It lets the other one know you care about them. It allows the two of you to have a really nice dinner in a setting where you're not huddled up with 7,000 other people

Speaker 1 paying $999 per plate and you don't even get to choose what you're eating. Valentine's Day is the single worst day of the year besides Easter to go out to eat.
Mother's Day, Easter, Valentine's Day.

Speaker 1 If you take somebody out to eat on those days, you're telling them you really don't give a shit about them because it's going to be fucking miserable. That's all I got to say.

Speaker 1 Having worked in the industry for a very long time.

Speaker 1 A custom bobblehead of both of you. That's cute.
I think it's going to be a good thing. That's cute.
I like that. I mean, yes.

Speaker 1 A full PowerPoint presentation pointing out why the two of you were made for each other. No, that's straight up conspiracy level weird.
Yeah, I don't trust you if you do that.

Speaker 1 You've spent way too much time a month in thinking about why we're good for each other. So it's Valentine's Day and you want me to watch a presentation?

Speaker 1 Well, listen, if you're giving me a lap dance at the same time, maybe.

Speaker 1 Maybe.

Speaker 1 A romantic scavenger hunt. Oh,

Speaker 1 that's good. I like that.
Don't make it too creepy. You know, keep it on the lighter side of things.
Of course.

Speaker 1 But I do like that where it ends with, like, you know, I don't know, a ticket to your favorite band.

Speaker 1 Heart shape, jacuzzi.

Speaker 1 That's right. Or a couples therapy session.
The hub hump with the hub hook.

Speaker 1 It is what it I'm doing. The hub hump hoop.

Speaker 1 A coupon book for romantic or sexual favors. I've heard of this.
I like that. I like that.
I've done this, actually.

Speaker 1 I've done this one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They haven't been cashed in yet, but they're past their expiration date. So don't even think about it, Aster.

Speaker 1 A hard-shaped piñata.

Speaker 1 Full of your favorite candies.

Speaker 1 I don't want to work that hard for the candy. Just give me the candy.
Yeah. Yeah.
And where are we going to put a piñata? And now I got to hang it up and clean it up. No, thanks.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's not the worst thing in the world. Are you testing my swing? Like, why? Yeah, I know.
You know, in Venezuela. If there's little mini bottles of booze in it.
We've done this, actually.

Speaker 1 I've had that before.

Speaker 1 In Venezuela, every birthday party comes with a piñata. It doesn't matter if you're five or 15.

Speaker 1 Astrid is fantastic at making that. Like by hand.

Speaker 1 that's what i was thinking of i was thinking of an astrid pinata okay an astrid piñata yes because she makes them lilo and stitch mickey mouse fluy just amazing i know it's crazy i'm always completely floored me too and kids love them oh yeah and she's done them for me for my birthday full of you know adult things and you know i don't need to get into all the details uh but a month in

Speaker 1 and if you're buying it from a store skip it i'm not interested in it a tattoo of your anniversary date or your name never, never, never.

Speaker 1 I'm 99,000% sure I am never willingly going to date another woman or have another wife. And I still wouldn't get Astrid tattooed on my body because it's a dumb idea.

Speaker 1 Never get anything relationship related tattooed on your body. I mean, I guess if it's a date, they were saying the date, right?

Speaker 1 They were saying anniversary date or your name. I mean, that could

Speaker 1 be.

Speaker 1 I think you're tempting fate. A month then, for sure now.
No, hell no.

Speaker 1 But like 10 years in, okay, I can understand that maybe now you feel committed. I'm starting to feel committed to Astrid after 10 years in.
Good. A pet goldfish.
No on the pets. Just no on the pets.

Speaker 1 No on the pets. The goldfish is going to die in 10 days.
Yeah, and then I got to flush it down the toilet and I'm going to be sad.

Speaker 1 And it's money for the other person to buy the food and get the stuff and the aquarium.

Speaker 1 A bouquet of roses, very simple and straightforward. We can all agree.
I think this is one that, yeah, sure. It's almost obligatory.
You got to get flowers on Valentine's Day.

Speaker 1 And I know not everybody likes flowers. And some people are allergic.
You know, there's lots of different reasons why you wouldn't get flowers, but I think flowers are just a standard gift.

Speaker 1 It's something you should do. Jeff gave me a beautiful orchid on our first Valentine's Day.
Oh, he did? That's a very sweet gift, Jeff.

Speaker 1 Can you buy one for Astrid? Love Brian on the note. Thanks.
I appreciate it, Jeff.

Speaker 1 A custom printed shower curtain with a full-size U on it. No.
No.

Speaker 1 No. No.
That's weird. First of all, shower curtains are gross.
Get rid of the shower curtains. Or change them out once a month.

Speaker 1 Because shower curtains are breeding grounds for all kinds of like...

Speaker 1 Syphilis, type B. I'm not sure.
I don't know. But I've had some shower curtains in my life where

Speaker 1 I've been so poor in my life that

Speaker 1 it was really between heat and a new shower curtain. And I went with the shower curtain because I was so skeeved out by what was growing on the bottom of it.

Speaker 1 Those shower curtains, they always get gross.

Speaker 1 A jar of pickles with a love note inside. I don't even know why we would do this, but okay, not the worst gift in the world.
Well, I've seen that done before. Oh, you have?

Speaker 1 I found someone that I knew, and the person that was giving it to was very into pickles, loved pickles. Okay, pickles like a sweet thing sure if you got me

Speaker 1 yeah if you got me like a gift basket of hot sauces because you know i like hot sauces i could appreciate that uh

Speaker 1 let's see here

Speaker 1 no not that i'm not even gonna say that because that's kind of gross a valentine a personalized asmr recording

Speaker 1 I like this. I think this is kind of funny.
It's creepy, but it's funny. It would be a funny.
If it was proposed as a joke. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If it was like you making sexual noises and really whispered tones, then I could see why that would be funny, cute, and maybe arousing at times

Speaker 1 for sure. Let's see.
A simple love letter expressing your love.

Speaker 1 Of course. Of course.
That's welcome anytime. Yes.
Anytime. I mean, not a weekend, but a month in, then you're getting into love letters.

Speaker 1 I used to send Astrid lengthy texts about the stars and the moon and all this other stuff.

Speaker 1 The star that you bought her. Yes, that's right.
A subscription to a dating app, just in case.

Speaker 1 That's pretty funny, actually.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a no. Yeah, that's a no, but I like it.

Speaker 1 A framed. Well, we already talked about this.
A chocolate bar that has your very first text message exchange engraved in it. I think that's cute.

Speaker 1 I'll accept it. I'll accept it.

Speaker 1 I won't call this a total red flag. I'll say it's like a mini red flag, but I think it's cute.
Your first text message, not just like an, you know, know, I love you. Hi,

Speaker 1 what's up? Yeah, yeah, what's up? It's a tiny, you up?

Speaker 1 Now, you up would be funny. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can I hit that?

Speaker 1 Can you clap them cheeks? Clap them cheeks.

Speaker 1 A heart-shaped balloon.

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay, but I don't, you don't need to get it, but all right.

Speaker 1 a Love poem written entirely in emojis

Speaker 1 No, yeah, I mean whatever okay cool, but you just don't bother like I don't need to see emojis. Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay, and finally a romantic dinner for two but at a food truck stand No, there's no such thing as a romantic dinner for two at a food truck stand unless you guys are just really into food trucks.

Speaker 1 That's all I was gonna say. Unless I mean, there's some good food trucks out there.
That's true. And there used to be a food truck park here.

Speaker 1 Now it's a big apartment complex because, of course, it was always going to be, right? It was always going to be. It was just waiting for the right guy to pay enough money to go.

Speaker 1 But there was a food truck park. And they did do something on Valentine's Day where they only let in a certain amount of people.
They had candles on the tables. They were

Speaker 1 either you get a free glass of wine or whatever. If you're into that kind of thing, if you're young and that's cool and, you know, it's a hit place to go.

Speaker 1 Then I can totally, totally, totally understand. But listen, there's some good examples in here and there's some bad examples in here.
Let me share with you a few things, a few opinions of mine.

Speaker 1 Number one,

Speaker 1 you do not break up with anybody on Valentine's Day because it's unlikely you'll be able to actually follow through on it if you have any kind of heart.

Speaker 1 Number two, make sure the photographs you're taking for your loved one are taken by you and you alone because that's an important thing.

Speaker 1 And certainly don't show someone else's hand in the photograph. That was the dumbest thing.
That was funny. That was the dumbest thing.

Speaker 1 And absolutely no thank you on the singing quartet showing up to giving you a card. Unless it's naked.
Dua Lipa. That is it for sure.

Speaker 1 All right. There you go.
There you go. Happy Valentine's Day to all the lovers and otherwise.
And if you're alone today on Valentine's Day, don't worry about it.

Speaker 1 If you're choosing that, you're choosing yourself. Happy Valentine's Day to you.
Love yourself. Yeah, love yourself.
That's all you got to do.

Speaker 1 I've spent many more Valentine's Day alone than I have with somebody. And so it's not all bad.
Yeah, no.

Speaker 1 Think about it this way. You don't have to go spend a bunch of money on a meal you're probably not going to enjoy.
You don't have to buy anything for anybody except for yourself.

Speaker 1 Yeah, buy yourself a little gift. Yes, a little treat.
Yes. And there are always like movie marathons on some cable channel that have nothing to do with rom-coms or romance.
You can find it.

Speaker 1 Get into yourself. Fuck yourself.
That's what I'm trying to say. Self-love.
Fuck yourself. Clap your own cheeks.

Speaker 1 Okay? Clap your own cheeks.

Speaker 1 21 EPMs. Whatever you need to do.
Remember to get those 21 EPMs in, kids. That's really important.
Check your tits check your balls jizz a lot

Speaker 1 investigate your own body make sure it feels good and it feels right find your g spot that's what i'm trying to say on this valentine's day find your g spot then it doesn't matter what somebody gets you you'll always be able to get yourself off okay a romantic words of wisdom words of romantic wisdom from one whacker offer to another whacker offer Right, Chrissy?

Speaker 1 That's right. I'm glad you agree with me.
She always agrees with me. That's what she does.

Speaker 1 Except for Starlink, okay? I don't like Starlink. All right? But then I saw a video.
I like to watch those people sailing across the ocean

Speaker 1 by themselves or with their family or whatever. And guess what? Starlink.
And then I thought, okay, Starlink. But seriously, I agree with you on the monitoring of how many of those are out there.

Speaker 1 We need to be careful because that's the only thing we got left is that sky. And it's already junked up.

Speaker 1 And now we got 50,000 other pieces of junk flying up there with no idea when they're coming down or how we're going to get around them or anything.

Speaker 1 I can't even believe we can send a spaceship up anymore. But shuttle, whatever we're doing now these days, because it's all junk.

Speaker 1 I know, it's like us polluting the ocean years ago, and now we're cleaning it up. You get it.
All right, Ari Shafir's episode was great.

Speaker 1 We're on tour and his brand new Special America sweetheart at the Commercial Break on Instagram, youtube.com/slash the commercial break and 212-433-3TCB.

Speaker 1 Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, or leave a message to be on the next episode of TCB.

Speaker 1 All right, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now. I think so.
But I do love you this Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's.
Best to you. Best to you.
And best to you out there in the podcast universe.

Speaker 1 Until next time, Chrissy, and I will say. We do say, and we must say.

Speaker 1 Goodbye.

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