Putt Putt Rawr

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Speaker 3 I did try to jog once,

Speaker 3 but it makes the wine just jump right out of your glass.

Speaker 1 On this episode of the Commercial Break,

Speaker 1 due for the Robes Course. Great.
I see you have the blue wristband. That means it's only $29.99 per minute for you to do the Robescores.
And I'm like, I have the RAR pack. I'm RARing.

Speaker 1 I'm just supposed to have the RAR here. And he's like, and you just get a fucking discount.
And I'm like, you got to be kidding me. And he's like, well, the activities that are included are putt-butt

Speaker 1 and putt-butt

Speaker 1 and putt-butt. And I'm like, I don't want to play putt-putt.
Put-putt's everywhere. No one likes putt-butt.

Speaker 1 The next episode of the commercial break starts now.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break.
I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris Joyhole.
Best of you, Chris. Best to you, Brian.

Speaker 1 Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for listening.
We'll get back to Great Wolf Lodge just here in a short hot second.

Speaker 1 But I picked up the studio phone and I want to make it a habit of checking in more often with our listeners and like talking about them on air because they really are a great group of people.

Speaker 1 We don't get too much hate, at least not here on the text message line. That is saved for the reviews where everybody can see them.

Speaker 1 Yes, thanks for that. Our good friend Brandon hitting us up from Knoxville, Bristol, Johnson City area.
That is called the Tri-Cities in East Tennessee. I do love Johnson City.

Speaker 1 Johnson City is a beautiful little town up there in East Tennessee. Have you ever been to Johnson City? I have.
I lived in Knoxville for so. Did you go down to Johnson City and hang out down there?

Speaker 1 Maybe once or twice. Yeah, did I? You know that one, you know, that Raphael, my best friend, his cousin owns a a string of restaurants, liquor stores, bars down there.
That guy is fucking killing it.

Speaker 1 Houses, rental houses, taxi cabs. Good for him.
Best to you, Raphael's cousin.

Speaker 1 Sex workers. I mean, that guy's into everything over there.
He is really, like, he's just into everything. And a hop.

Speaker 1 A man about town. How is it that one guy?

Speaker 1 Like in the same circle of people, one guy can miserably fail at every business opportunity that comes his way. And another guy can literally turn shit into gold.

Speaker 1 He turned a string of restaurants, bars, and liquor stores in Johnson City, fucking Tennessee into a huge success.

Speaker 1 I'm down here in Atlanta where the literally money's growing on trees and I can't plant a plum to save my life. I mean, I swear to God.

Speaker 1 Good for you, Fosse. Good for you.
He does have a great set of restaurants.

Speaker 1 And if you, if Fosse, if you want to call and tell me the names of those, I'll I'll shout them out here on air. Yeah, so I love that Johnson City area.

Speaker 1 It's lovely. And congratulations to

Speaker 1 my kind of cousin who did it well.

Speaker 1 Also, I wanted to say that one of our friends, do you remember about a year ago, somebody wrote in and they said that they had heard about us on a podcast called the Hillbilly Horror Stories?

Speaker 1 So for the second time in a year, somebody has written in to tell us that they heard about us on Hillbilly Horror Stories, who we shouted out at the time because we had no idea who the Hillbilly horror stories were, never communicated with them.

Speaker 1 We certainly hadn't like purchased any ads or done any cross-promotion with them.

Speaker 1 And apparently, Jerry and Tracy were the hosts of this show, and Jerry passed away. So they wanted to let us know that.

Speaker 1 And he was apparently loved by a lot of people, according to this listener who also wrote in to tell us about this. And so, sorry, so sorry to hear about Jerry.
Jerry. Yeah.
Not Garcia.

Speaker 1 That one passed a long time ago. This other one.
But sorry to hear about Jerry. And thanks to Hillbilly Horror Stories.
I don't know if they continue to do episodes.

Speaker 1 I wonder if it was something to do with the mountain monsters type stuff. Probably.
I have to imagine. Yes.

Speaker 1 And then after we started doing, and I'm not claiming this was done because of, but I have also noticed there is a semi-popular podcast that is now just exclusively

Speaker 1 reviewing mountain monsters. That's all they do.
But I have to imagine that maybe it has something to do with me

Speaker 1 because I always imagine that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 1 One of our good friends says, Wow, a whole show about naked penises and an in-depth conversation about billionaire politics. At this rate, you're going to make me a lifelong TCB listener.

Speaker 1 I think that's shocking. Our

Speaker 1 naked attraction? Yeah, our naked attraction episode. So, you know, sorry to hit you over the head with a bunch of balls, start the year off, but I mean, what else are you doing?

Speaker 1 You know know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, ma'am. Our favorite trucker says, can never do too much Frankie B.
I'd listen to a podcast if they strictly did only Frankie B content.

Speaker 1 Well, just go back, listen to season number two and three of the commercial break, and

Speaker 1 you'll get what you want.

Speaker 1 We talked about Sidney. A couple of months ago, Sidney had written in.

Speaker 1 He had written us a letter, asked for some advice, talked about some things, and we didn't know whether or not to refer to Sidney as a girl or a boy. I have found out that that Sidney is a boy.

Speaker 1 Sid is a boy.

Speaker 1 Sid listened to the 12 Days of TCB, says we're crushing it.

Speaker 1 And he just wanted us to let us know that

Speaker 1 he and his girlfriend are give each other gifts. Him and his lady give each other gifts.
How do you keep it a secret? Remember we talked about that?

Speaker 1 And we said you don't keep it a secret because we just talked about it on the commercial break.

Speaker 1 Taj says, Happy holidays. This is back from the holidays.
We're just getting to some of these now, but that's better than we used to be where we would get to it six months later. That's right.

Speaker 1 She volunteers with the local SPCA. They foster cats and dogs throughout the year.
And this Christmas, she'll be alone, but she's got TCB in the 13 days.

Speaker 1 She thanks us for putting together the 13 days. By the way, everybody in the text messages referred to it as the 13 days

Speaker 1 of TCB because that's actually

Speaker 1 what it was. And someone says, where have all the PUAs gone? Can we do some more Frankie B? Then we did some more Frankie B.
She says, you read my mind. Love you.
Love TCB. Keep it going forever.

Speaker 1 You're welcome, of course. So just a small snapshot of some of our listeners out there writing in and saying wonderful things about us.
Thank you. I do, do, do love our listeners.
They are absolutely

Speaker 1 absolutely.

Speaker 1 I mean, listen, we've said this before. We'll say it again.
Podcasting can be a lonely venture because

Speaker 1 part of the reason, let me share this.

Speaker 1 We have Gustavo coming up on a special episode on Saturday in celebration of the USA versus Venezuela international soccer match that will take place here in Miami. I was thinking about that.

Speaker 1 Hopefully there won't be any more. What was that that happened a year ago? That was Columbia, I think.
That was where people were storming it. Yeah, that was the crawling through great, like

Speaker 1 air docks. The America's Cup final at the hard rock down there, which is the same place they're going to play this.
People were literally creating stampedes to get in without tickets.

Speaker 1 And like,

Speaker 1 it's just beyond me. There are families there, there are children there, there are people who paid good money.

Speaker 1 And I understand that ticket prices are out of control, but that doesn't mean that then you can go put everybody else's life in danger. You're a fucking moron.
Don't do that. That's just ridiculous.

Speaker 1 Go watch it on TV like the rest of us poor people. I know.
Yeah. Listen, I can't go see, I can't go see Chris Rocket concert anymore either.
It's too expensive. So, you know what I do?

Speaker 1 I wait till it comes out on Netflix. That's what you do.
It is, in my opinion, sometimes sporting matches are better when you're watching it on TV,

Speaker 1 especially when there are stampedes running through the fucking hallways. I couldn't imagine.

Speaker 1 I put myself, you know, we had a lot of friends that were down there because, you know, Miami and the Latin Connection. And so

Speaker 1 we had friends that were down there and the videos that they were showing and through WhatsApp were insane. It was like a life or death situation for some people.

Speaker 1 Now, luckily, I think only one person passed away from a heart attack or something like that. But that could have been a really sticky situation.
Anyway, it's Venezuela versus America.

Speaker 1 The, you know, the Americans are too lazy to do anything. They're too lazy to stampede.
And, you know, God love the Venezuelans. They'll probably be a little bit late.
So there you go.

Speaker 1 It's not going to turn out just fine. But that's going to be a good match.
I can't wait. Anyway, Gustavo is coming on on Saturday.
Here's the reason why I bring up Gustavo.

Speaker 1 Special episode with Gustavo coming in as a guest. Here's why I bring it up because Gustavo

Speaker 1 has this fear of the microphone. He has a real fear of getting on the microphone.
And the way that I talked him off the ledge was to explain to him that podcasting is an extremely lonely venture.

Speaker 1 There's literally no one on the other side. It's a camera, a microphone, and no one else in the room.
There's nothing to be scared of. No one's going to give you instant feedback.

Speaker 1 You're not going to feel embarrassed by being in front of a bunch of people.

Speaker 1 You'll feel that way when after the episode comes out, you'll beg me to take it off the RSS feed and I'll say, ah, ah, ah, ah, nan, ya, nan, yo.

Speaker 1 But podcasting can be a lonely venture. And when you guys text in and you let us know about your lives and you know how TCB interacts with that life, it really is something special.

Speaker 1 It is something that I'm grateful for. I think that this would be,

Speaker 1 I think it would be a different vibe for me if I didn't know that there were people on the other end and some of the. Loving us and hating us.
Yeah, loving us and hating us. Listen,

Speaker 1 it's hard sometimes not to take the criticisms and internalize them. And that is why I never ever read the reviews anymore.
I don't Google the commercial Blake. I don't, Blake,

Speaker 1 I don't do any of that because I just don't, you know, whatever. But when on the odd.
We just live in our happy little bubble. That's right.

Speaker 1 On the odd and off chance that we get like somebody writes in and it's not so nice. I just ignore it.
You know, I'm like, whatever. I say, thanks for listening.
What am I going to do?

Speaker 1 I can't make everybody happy. You can.

Speaker 1 Speaking of

Speaker 1 not making everybody happy, do you remember the podcaster Bobby Altoff? The Atloff. Is it Atness Atloff? Bobby Atloff.
You remember Christina? This young girl who was like a homemaker.

Speaker 1 She was doing like videos about

Speaker 1 cooking food in her house and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 And then one day, all of the sudden, she gets an interview with a celebrity. I think it was a celebrity rapper.

Speaker 1 And this interview goes viral because her way of interviewing people was extraordinarily weird, dry, maybe even a little bit off-putting. She was very quiet.

Speaker 1 She was very confrontational, but she wasn't like loud about it. She would, she would be like, you're kind of ugly.

Speaker 1 She would say stuff like that. And I'm not even kidding.
It was like really weird. So she went super viral, millions and millions of views in just a couple of months.

Speaker 1 So Bobby then has this runaway train. of a successful podcast and she gets all of these celebrities to come on the podcast.
A lot of rappers, a lot of R ⁇ B stars, Drake.

Speaker 1 She does a famous interview with Drake in a bed. I'm not restoring that now.
Okay. In a bed.
She starts kind of hitting on him. She is married with a child.
That husband soon files for divorce. Oh.

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 For a long time,

Speaker 1 people had been like whispering, like a whisper campaign that WME, the agency who represented her, the William Morris Endeavor Agency.

Speaker 1 who are very big players in the podcast space, that WME, that she was an industry plant, that WME had essentially taken their other clients, their famous clients, and strategized, constructed this out of kind of whole cloth because Drake was their client, this other rapper was their client, lots of her guests were their clients.

Speaker 1 Reality wasn't real. Reality wasn't real.

Speaker 1 I can't believe that.

Speaker 1 It's hard to believe. And early on, a very well-placed source in the podcast industry had told me that she was an industry plant.

Speaker 1 Now, I don't even know what that means, really, because at the end of the day, you know, you could say that like are views manufactured, are downloads manufactured, whatever. I don't know.
Who cares?

Speaker 1 It doesn't really matter. If people like the content, is she really an industry plant or is she just someone that kind of struck while the iron was hot?

Speaker 1 But people have been

Speaker 1 kind of, you know, eulogizing her over the last couple of weeks because or or month because her views have plummeted. She's like not the hot or it thing anymore.

Speaker 1 As time went on, people started to understand that Bobby was not the person that was on the podcast.

Speaker 1 She had a much different personality in real life, and that a lot of this stuff was just kind of for the cameras. She also made a few comments, like,

Speaker 1 I heard that somebody else was making half a million dollars podcasting. So I'm going to, that's what I need to do so I can make half a million dollars.

Speaker 1 In other words, people felt like she wasn't doing it for the love of the podcast. Listen,

Speaker 1 let me explain something to you. There are no millions of dollars in this type of podcasting.

Speaker 1 I mean, you can certainly reach those successes and those heights, but for every Joe Rogan, Conan O'Brien, and Theo Vaughan, Dak Shepard, smartless, there are 50 of us

Speaker 1 who are just paying the bills. That's it.
And barely. And some months, not even.

Speaker 1 Bobby was not that kind of podcast. She was not the smartlist kind of podcaster.
She had a lot of YouTube views, but YouTube monetizes much differently than podcasts do.

Speaker 1 And so here's the reason why I say this while we're talking about this, and then we'll get on to Great Wolf Lodge.

Speaker 1 I feel a little bit bad for Bobby, if I'm being honest, because yeah, maybe she's an industry plant and WME helped her get those guests on her show, but people had to find her genuinely interesting in order for those views to happen.

Speaker 1 It wasn't, and

Speaker 1 that's the name of the business. If you have an agency, you fully expect they're going to help you make connections.
That's why you have an agency to make those kind of connections.

Speaker 1 Bobby was playing a character on a podcast. Everybody's playing a character when the camera turns on.
Yeah. It doesn't matter who you are.
Yes, of course, to some degree, to all degrees.

Speaker 1 I can promise you, when I am not here looking like a stud,

Speaker 1 high fade,

Speaker 1 done to the nines, I am literally in my pajama pants, farting and eating cereal and cream, yelling at my children, kicking my dog around the house,

Speaker 1 dating high schoolers. Now,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 This is

Speaker 1 a difficult endeavor to go out there and to put yourself out there and to create in any way, shape, or form. And when you create for a long time, you know, yeah, maybe you find some like,

Speaker 1 maybe you find something organically that works. Maybe you become more

Speaker 1 natural to your own

Speaker 1 like creative style. You have to find that.
It only happens over time. I don't fault Bobby for doing her her thing, right?

Speaker 1 No. I don't find that particular shtick interesting.
It's not interesting to me.

Speaker 1 But I think it's a little mean-spirited to go stomp on her grave because she's no longer getting the views when Bobby was just trying to create like the rest of us. That's my personal opinion.

Speaker 1 Now, you want to get me on the Hawk Tua girl? That's a different story altogether. I will dance on the Hoctua grave because that was a shitty thing that she did.
That was super shitty.

Speaker 1 And Hawk Tua is nowhere to be found. Did you hear about it? I told you about Hoctua.
Yeah, no, I read a whole lot. And her Hawk coin, her Tua coin.
Tua. Hawk.
Tua.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think, I mean, I, I kind of think in that instance, she got in, got involved with some bad players. Of course she did.
Yeah, she did. She's pretty interesting.

Speaker 1 No fucking clue what she was doing. Yeah.
But that in and of itself, listen, this girl got management three days after that video went viral.

Speaker 1 Somebody in that, in that, on that management team, a father, a friend, a somebody should have said, slow your role, girl.

Speaker 1 You want this, you, you want to make money and you should be making money if everybody else is making money on this Haktua thing, but you got to slow down a little bit and not get yourself involved in every, you know, Dick Harry come lately's fucking bullshit.

Speaker 1 And for that, you, she has to take a little responsibility.

Speaker 1 To be fair to Hoctua, she did put out a, uh, like an Instagram post that said, anybody that's been affected by the Tua coin disaster, please contact the Tua Coin disaster.

Speaker 1 The great Tua Coin disaster of 2024.

Speaker 1 Anybody who bought into Tua Coin, you also got to take some personal responsibility.

Speaker 1 You bought Tua Coin. Tua Coin.

Speaker 1 It's a coin based on a girl who said Hawk Tua that started a podcast. It wasn't particularly great.
But anyway,

Speaker 1 I will say, I will give Hawk, whatever her name is, Haley. I will give Haley a little bit of credit because at least it seems like she's trying to.

Speaker 1 figure out how we uh how she undoes this cluster fuck but i got to be honest i mean i think there's big trouble around the corner for her I noticed she hasn't put out a podcast episode since that all happened that's a disaster yeah that's well the only other thing that's on her Instagram besides this apology letter is a video of her like at a private island in the Caribbean on a boat sailing around the ocean blue seas really yeah that's a little tone deaf like uh you know let's

Speaker 1 Let's be real about it.

Speaker 1 If you get into something like that and everyone's blaming you for spending their life savings in a terrible way, you probably shouldn't be on a private you probably shouldn't be publicizing that you're on a private island that's just bad life savings people put their life savings chrissy there's like one dude one dude was like i lost 450 000 in hua coin and i'm like

Speaker 1 where did you who gave you 450 000 in the first place

Speaker 1 and how did you lose it on hua coin like what did you think hua coin was going to do yeah did you really think there were that many people interested in this young lady's longevity or success that they would keep Hua coin afloat?

Speaker 1 And by the way, had you been in on it, you would have understood like kind of the economics of it. Like now, it's easy for me to say this because I'm just looking at videos pointing it out.

Speaker 1 But if you did a little bit of homework about this meme coin, only 90% of the supply was controlled by like 10 different wallets, which means that 10 people, 10 wallets controlled the price of the coin.

Speaker 1 They could sell and just wipe everybody else out.

Speaker 1 And that's exactly what they did. So, okay.
Anyway, Hua Coin, Bobby Atloff, Gustavo, and what else did I talk about? A little bit of everything. A little bit of everything.
Johnson City, Tennessee.

Speaker 1 Johnson City, Tennessee. All right.
We'll take a break and we'll talk about Great Wall. I'll get back to Great Wolf Lodge now.

Speaker 1 We'll be back.

Speaker 4 It's a new year and a new me, which means I'm bringing you the exact same information I always do.

Speaker 4 So follow us on Instagram at thecommercial break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast. Do something new this year.
Text us or call us and leave us a voicemail at 212-433-3 TCB.

Speaker 4 And go, please go watch our YouTube videos at youtube.com/slash thecommercial break. I mean, we put all of this effort into our studio, so just go take a gander.
You're gonna love it.

Speaker 4 And finally, go to our website, tcbpodcast.com, if you can't be bothered with anything else, because everything we have is right there on that site.

Speaker 1 Bye.

Speaker 2 This episode is sponsored by our longtime sponsor, Squarespace. I am working on a new project, Information TBD.
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Speaker 5 This is Free Range with Von Miller, the podcast where I step outside the lines and I take you with me.

Speaker 5 Each week, we're talking everything from the biggest stories around the league to the biggest stories off the field. This isn't your average sports podcast.

Speaker 5 This is game meets culture, locker room meets living room, and no topic is off limits.

Speaker 5 So if you're into good conversations that ruffle a few feathers, join me every Wednesday and follow Free Range with Von Miller everywhere you get your podcast.

Speaker 2 This episode is sponsored in part by Rula. You know, there was a time when I really needed therapy, but I could not find a therapist who took my insurance.

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Speaker 1 All right, last you left me, I was uh somewhere in the Great Great Wolf Lodge, stuck in the middle of a piss-soaked,

Speaker 1 lazy river with my young children

Speaker 1 somewhere south of Atlanta. For those of you who didn't catch the first episode, you might want to go listen to that and it'll catch you up on what's going on.

Speaker 1 So after about, Chrissy, we're in this freezing cold pool. That's right.
It's really

Speaker 1 the wave pool. Meanwhile, I asked one of your children who came out of that episode the other day, and I said, did you have fun at the Great Wolf Lodge? What was your favorite thing?

Speaker 1 And she said, the wave pool. The wave pool.
Of course.

Speaker 1 Of course.

Speaker 1 They had never seen a wave pool.

Speaker 1 I mean, you know, they're very young. Of course, they've never seen a wave pool.
The waves weren't particularly large. Listen, under circumstances like this, there's no one else in the wave pool.

Speaker 1 I saw it personally get cleaned. There was a lot of bleach poured into the pool.
I would have felt great. And it was actually 87 degrees as advertised, but that was not at all.

Speaker 1 It was barely 80 degrees, if that, maybe 78, 77 degrees. I'm just taking a random guess.
The things that I saw in there,

Speaker 1 it would have been like,

Speaker 1 I don't know, going to Dunkin' Donuts, watching some lady lick all the donuts, and then having to buy one. Do you know what I'm saying? And then having to buy one because your children were hungry.

Speaker 1 This is how I felt about walking into the Great Wolf Lodge Wave Pool. Someone licked the donuts, but my kids are hungry.
And so I'm going to have to buy them.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to have to put it in my mouth. And I'm sorry, no matter who you are, no matter how tall you are, you could be Gustavo.
And he was there with us, by the way. You could,

Speaker 1 you're going to get that water in your mouth. It's coming in your mouth.
It's waving right in. It's waving right in because your small children are flailing around as the waves are smacking them.

Speaker 1 I mean, my kids were getting hit so hard by these rather small waves, three feet tall. But my kids, some of them are only three feet tall.
And so it was just, bam, they didn't know what to do.

Speaker 1 And so they're just getting pushed and pushed further further and hitting their heads on the cement and knocking into everybody else.

Speaker 1 And then there's like adults who can't seem to control themselves in a child's wave pool. Do you know what I'm saying? Like it's their first time at the wave pool.
Like lick the donuts, be damned.

Speaker 1 I need another bear crawler. You know what I'm saying? And they need another fucking bear claw in my mouth.
These adults, they're fucking ridiculous to me.

Speaker 1 Can you not control yourself for two seconds? There are small children around. You're acting the fool.

Speaker 1 By the way, at the Great Wolf Lodge, I've said this and I'll say it again.

Speaker 1 It appears that everyone there has is very nice and well trained, but there was one, count them, one lifeguard guarding this wave pool.

Speaker 1 Now, it wasn't very big, so maybe that they have determined that that's enough, and I'll take that on face value.

Speaker 1 But when I go to Six Flags Whitewater, there's like 30 lifeguards around that wave pool. Now, Six Flags Whitewater has a bigger wave pool, bigger waves, and much more rowdy children.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a huge. It's like, isn't that one of the largest water parks in the country or something?

Speaker 1 I haven't been in years. Yeah, it is huge.
And they have big waves that come there. So that I can understand.
And it gets deep. I think it's like 10 feet deep at one end.

Speaker 1 This is only five feet deep at max. But that one lifeguard, here's a weird thing that lifeguards are doing.
Let me stop for a second. Here's a weird thing I've noticed all lifeguards are doing now.

Speaker 1 Do you remember telling me

Speaker 1 telling you the story about how we went to that Margaritaville? Yes. And the lifeguards were doing, like, one lifeguard was like moving their head back and forth with their hand.

Speaker 1 And I thought maybe there was, they had a touch of autism or something because that's all they were doing for like 30 minutes. And then somebody else would come in.

Speaker 1 I've noticed that all lifeguards are now doing this.

Speaker 1 Why? It's a technique, I guess, to make sure that they are paying attention and scanning. Okay.
But they're actually moving their heads back and forth with their hands. It's a little weird.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Maybe somebody who has a kid that's a lifeguard or has been a lifeguard or is a lifeguard can write it.

Speaker 1 She's a different kind of lifeguard. She's the kind of lifeguard that you pay $10.

Speaker 1 Actually, it was her friend that came and was a lifeguard for the pool party. Yeah.
She did not do that, but she was very attentive. She stood up and was watching the pool.

Speaker 1 I think I paid her way too much money to do nothing, to be honest with you. There were a bunch of parents in the pool, but whatever.
So this lifeguard was consistently blowing the whistle.

Speaker 1 You know, and making some hand gesture, basically like, you know, stop fooling around. And every time time the whistle blew, and I looked over, they were not calling attention to children.

Speaker 1 They were calling attention to the adults

Speaker 1 who had been sitting at the

Speaker 1 bar over there getting fucking sloshed with their yard bloody Marys or whatever it is. Let's settle down, guys.
Come on.

Speaker 1 This is generally for children. I understand adults can have fun there, too.

Speaker 1 But really. Give an instance, give it for instance of what was one of the adults doing.
One of the adults had

Speaker 1 a child, like i'm gonna guess 10 or 11 years old they were down in the deep end and every time a wave came they were throwing them up in the air right to hit the wave which is like okay maybe you're maybe you and your kid have this understanding that that's a fun game but the pool is crowded right he could land on other people He could land the wrong way.

Speaker 1 Like the lifeguard is doing the right thing. You don't throw children at the wave when it's coming their way, right? That's like some form of child abuse.
Another example, there's a rope at the end.

Speaker 1 So you don't get sucked into the wave-making machine. There's a full-grown ass man,

Speaker 1 Harry Back and all, with his, you know, oversized board shorts hanging half off his ass, and he's hanging on to the rope as the waves come by.

Speaker 1 And this lady had to blow the whistle 50 times.

Speaker 1 And this guy's, you know, doing the waves like this, and she's looking right at her, and she's going like this, stop, stop. And he's just, yeah, he's he's just hanging on for dear life.

Speaker 1 And I thought to myself, do you really,

Speaker 1 really, did someone not give you a kiss as a child? Because this is like, this is terrible. You're terrible.
Stop it. Stop it.

Speaker 1 So, okay, so all of this is going on and the wave pool eventually gets too cold. We jump on the lazy river so that we can go.
Aserid has now gotten some food with Alley.

Speaker 1 I think I told you that the towels were stolen. So here we are stuck in these two chairs not the kind of chairs that sit up above the ground the kind that sit way down at the bottom low ones yes in a

Speaker 1 in a sloped angle cement floor that is going down into the kiddie pool which is a splash park which means they have lots of things where you press the button and it sprays water or it dumps water everywhere the only seats that we could get were actually like halfway in to the splash pool.

Speaker 1 So here we are, cheeseburgers and all, and there are little shits running around spraying us with what, you know, just spraying water in your general direction.

Speaker 1 So I'm eating a soggy, sloppy hamburger that's been pissed on by a Dunkin' Donuts-filled child. It was ick all over, but my kids are loving it.
They are la la la la loving it.

Speaker 1 So even though some of my kids are a little bit older in this little splash park here, it's probably meant for three and under.

Speaker 1 You know, I've got kids that are double that age, but they can still go in there and they can still play. So these, this little splash park, so now done eating.
Our stomach's full.

Speaker 1 The best thing to do,

Speaker 1 the best time to go swimming is right after you've had food, according to all medical experts.

Speaker 1 So now my kids' stomachs are full. And what are we going to do? We're going to go in the kiddie splash park where they have four little slides.
You go, you walk up to the top.

Speaker 1 There are four slides pouring down water like little waterfalls. And you just go down.
Those slides, they're not even 10 feet long. They're tiny little slides.
There's no tunnel. There's nothing.

Speaker 1 It's just a slide down into the pool, slide down into the pool, slide down into the pool.

Speaker 1 There's another lifeguard over there.

Speaker 1 There's more grown-ass adults that are riding these 10 slides and splat, you know, literally landing on small children as they splash down, pulling up their pants and being like, that was awesome to get that one on to Instagram.

Speaker 1 I can put that one on my Instagrams and TikToks and my Facebooks. I just wanted to kill some of these people because,

Speaker 1 guys,

Speaker 1 this is,

Speaker 1 there's no human being on earth that would look at this pool and say this is made for me yeah as an adult this is made for a 380 pound you know 42 year old

Speaker 1 man in board shorts and a t-shirt you know what i'm saying no no that should be not be allowed but this couple of guys these couple of guys they took it upon themselves wearing their hats and all that they needed to slide down these slides more than the children did.

Speaker 1 As at one time, my son was up there and one of these guys came my son was like trying to position himself on the thing and one of these guys came and just got around him and slid down what yes and then he gets he splashes into the water like a three-year-old gets up you know hats all disheveled and he's like woo like that and i thought to myself

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 one of two things here one of two things either you are challenged in some kind of way. And in that case, I give you a pass because, you know, there you go.

Speaker 1 And number two, you are in desperate need of a blowjob. Do you know what I'm saying? You are in desperate need of some sexual affection to mature your ass a little bit because this is terrible.

Speaker 1 Like you are just acting like a terrible human being.

Speaker 1 Did you say anything? I didn't. No.
Well, what am I going to do? I'm going to get into a, you know, then I'm going to be the guy on Instagram. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Speaker 1 His wife was already videotaping him, had a phone, was videotaping him going down the slide.

Speaker 1 So I can only imagine he's one of these guys that I'm really jealous of because they have 58,000 followers on Instagram and we have three. Yeah.
Not thousand, three

Speaker 1 followers on Instagram.

Speaker 1 This is one of those cases, you know, I travel Instagram a lot and I wonder exactly how people get these many followers. This is how.
The kiddie pool. The kiddie pool at Great Wolf Lodge.

Speaker 1 And by the way,

Speaker 1 there's a whole niche out there in Instagram. Great Wolf Lodge.
Oh, I can only imagine.

Speaker 1 If you want to see what it's really like, you feel free to hashtag Great Wolf Lodge because you will see everything that I'm talking about and probably more. It is a thing.

Speaker 1 And because there are many of them throughout the country.

Speaker 1 So after we get done with that and we go on the big water slide a couple of times, it was like a couple of big water slides.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my kids can't get on all of them because some of them require you to be a certain height. And a few of my children are not that height.
And so I didn't want to leave them alone.

Speaker 1 My wife had already decided she had Astrid was already done with this. By the way, astrid was done with it as soon as we got started with it yes this is one of those things where i knew going in

Speaker 1 likely i was going to end up being the sole survivor here at the

Speaker 1 astrid she's too much of a germ phobe to be in there she and it was her idea by the way to go to this but

Speaker 1 but we were there and the baby was getting cold and i knew exactly what's going to happen and that's okay so I took the kids on the big rides that they could go on.

Speaker 1 And by the way, those slides, perfectly fun. They really were.
They were fun. They were fast.
They were long.

Speaker 1 You know, all the things you would want in the bed or at a Great Wolf Lodge indoor water park. There you go.
But after we did this a couple of times, everybody was starting to shiver.

Speaker 1 And I made the adult call.

Speaker 1 You know, I was going to be one of the few adults at the Great Wolf Lodge to say, hey, listen.

Speaker 1 I know this, the wave pool is lovely and now filled with, you know, tomatoes and American

Speaker 1 sliced cheese from the cheeseburgers that people are eating inside of the pool. But let's go get dried off and then we can find something to do.
Yeah, because there are other things to do there.

Speaker 1 You were saying that. There's a mini bowling alley.
That sounds fun. A mini bowling alley.
Have you seen these? They're like all electronically controlled.

Speaker 1 So you go in, you have a reservation, you go in, you type in your name, and the lane is half the length. half the width and the ball is much smaller and so are the pins.

Speaker 1 So you can just basically throw it down. If you're a grown person, you can just like throw overhand it down.
You just like baseball pitch it down there.

Speaker 1 But the kids have fun because they can actually pick up the ball and roll it down there. Yeah.
And there's no gutters. So it's all just, it's bumper ball, essentially, is what it is.

Speaker 1 And they have 10 of those. They have a big rock climbing wall.
They have a ropes course.

Speaker 1 They have

Speaker 1 aforementioned restaurants, a huge arcade, also known as a money pit

Speaker 1 for adults, for people with children.

Speaker 1 So we go upstairs

Speaker 1 to to our room, which is strategically located as the last room in the entire building.

Speaker 1 So from one place, so from one side of Great Wolf Lodge to the other side of Great Wolf Lodge, I would say it's probably about 16 miles.

Speaker 1 So you have to walk 16 miles in your wet, you know, bathing suit and t-shirt. I put on a t-shirt and I wrapped a towel around myself.

Speaker 1 I put my shoes on because that's what adults do after they get out of a pool.

Speaker 1 Most adults didn't do that.

Speaker 1 So now I want you to imagine riding up in an elevator to the fourth floor, not particularly fast elevator, riding up in the elevator in the fourth floor with various size, shapes, colors, and others of people who are in various states of undress.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just bathing, wet bathing suits. Oh, Chrissy.

Speaker 1 One guy, one guy, he had a family with him. Right.
And he was short and he was stout. He was just, he looked like, I don't even know how to explain it.

Speaker 1 He was short, he was stout, you know, put a teacup and pour him out. I don't know.
He looked like a teapot. That's all I can describe it.

Speaker 1 They had gotten a pizza from downstairs, but he couldn't wait the elevator ride to eat the pizza.

Speaker 1 So he would literally have the box in his hand and he was like,

Speaker 1 oh my God. Without a shirt on or shoes.

Speaker 1 Where do we find these people? Where do we find them?

Speaker 1 They're all living amongst us. They're your neighbors.
They're your friends. They're the people you're passing on the highway.

Speaker 1 These are the people in your neighborhood. And they're all fucked up.
Go and figure that out. Not all people in the world are well.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Chrissy, if you go to Great Wolf Lodge, there's a lot of people in the world and a lot of them aren't well. And a lot of them showed up at Great Wolf Lodge that we can't get for the new year.

Speaker 1 It took us an hour to get back to our room. I swear to God it did.
Now I have tired, cold,

Speaker 1 exhausted children, but the day's not over yet. It's only like 3.30 p.m.
And I I can't put my kids to bed at 3:30 p.m. As much as you want to.
As much as I want to.

Speaker 1 I've learned over time that putting your kids to bed at 3:30 p.m. means they're going to wake up at 3:30 a.m.
and not want to go back to sleep. So we got upstairs.
Everybody gets right off.

Speaker 1 I tell the kids, I'd say, I want you to go straight into the room,

Speaker 1 the shower, go to the shower. Why, Danny? I just got out of the pool.

Speaker 1 I don't want that. I don't want to.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 You're not going back downstairs unless you take a shower.

Speaker 1 One of my kids, who's really smart and very contextual, was like, it doesn't make much sense why we have to get into the shower after we've been in the pool.

Speaker 1 I said,

Speaker 1 would you want to take a shower if you had just peed on your own leg? Yes. I said, that's why we're taking a shower after we got out of the pool.
Because we just peed on our own leg.

Speaker 1 But it wasn't our pee.

Speaker 1 And it was more than our leg. Get in the fucking shower.
God damn it. And you better don't use that soap in that container that people are probably jizzing in.
Use the soap that mommy brought.

Speaker 1 We are such germ phobes now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think I've realized that we, and I think this is warranted, especially after coronavirus. I think we're like full-on germ phobes.
Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. We bring our own.

Speaker 1 We have those little bottles and we fill up our own soaps. I will bring a bar of soap when I come.
Sometimes we put towels down in the shower. We don't allow for baths anymore.

Speaker 1 I mean, we did with the baby up until recently. Yeah.
Don't allow for baths anymore because who knows what's going on in those bathtubs. This is the great Wolf Lodge.

Speaker 1 This ain't the Ritz fucking Carlton. Do you know what I'm saying? And listen,

Speaker 1 I don't want to sound elitist. I'm not.
I'm germaphobic. There's a big difference.
I don't mind.

Speaker 1 I was fully surprised when you said you were going. I know.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like, because it does take a lot for me to get over both Astrid and I, to get over the fact, listen, we know from raising our own children just how disgusting they are. And they are disgusting.

Speaker 1 Children are disgusting. They're snot-filled throw-up shit rags.
That's what they are. And they run around doing all of these things at all times.
I will share this story.

Speaker 1 My youngest over the weekend, now we put her in the shower, you know, and I let her go for, yeah, I just let her sit there. It's a way to wait, kill 15, 20 minutes.
Put her in the shower.

Speaker 1 She loves it. We give her a couple of toys.
She plays. She sings.
She dances. She pretends like she's washing herself off.

Speaker 1 You know, it's a whole thing i was uh in the room whatever i was doing talking on the phone i can hear daddy daddy daddy poo-poo daddy poo-poo i turned the corner daddy poo-poo was right

Speaker 1 she's just she's just there doing her thing and she's like uh-oh daddy poo-poo

Speaker 1 i Have you ever seen, remember E.T. where they like put the big cover over the house? Yes, that's what I did with my shower.
I hazmed it. I went and got Draino.
I got liquid pipe cleaner.

Speaker 1 We soaked the floor in bleach. We took towels.
We threw them out. We did the whole thing because I understand that that's how the kids get sick and it's a never-ending cycle once they do.

Speaker 1 And we're trying to protect us and them. I mean,

Speaker 1 getting sick is part of building defenses, but we don't need to be sick every single week of the winter. So when we go to Great Wolf Lodge, imagine this.
That was a big change.

Speaker 1 Yes, of course. It's a norovirus peach tree dish, is what it is in the middle of winter.
That's what I told you.

Speaker 1 And there's no guarantees that the poor people who are cleaning these rooms can get them as clean as they need to be in order. You can't.
It's an impossible. Yeah, it's not their fault.

Speaker 1 You've got a time schedule, too. You got people downstairs who want to check in.
I think we're lucky if they change the sheets. Do you know what I'm saying? I really do.

Speaker 1 And that's why they put these bottles of soap now that are sitting in every hotel room, every place, everywhere, except for the finest of hotels.

Speaker 1 And I can only imagine what some sick fucks are out there doing to those bottles of soap. I don't even want to know.
People are weird, and men, especially, I get, listen, guys. I was a boy too once.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, I don't know what's going on with those bottles of soap. I don't want to know.
So I take these kids in there and I wash them off as thoroughly as I can.

Speaker 1 And then I'm like, okay, well, let's go downstairs and try and kill some more time. We go down there.
We have now paid like $180 for this all-adventure pack. The ARRAR adventure

Speaker 1 adventure pack,

Speaker 1 which is supposed to get us all kinds of everything for free. We don't have to worry about it.
No mus, no fuss. We're just supposed to go there.
Well, the place is crowded.

Speaker 1 So we go up to this little stand where you can check into all these different activities. And I'd say, you know, okay,

Speaker 1 two for the ropes course. Great.
I see you have the blue wristband. That means it's only $29.99 per minute for you to do the ropes course.
And I'm like, I have the RAR pack. I'm RARing.

Speaker 1 I'm just supposed to have the RAR here. And you just

Speaker 1 get a fucking discount. And I'm like, you got to be kidding me.
And he's like, well, the activities that are included are putt-putt

Speaker 1 and putt-putt

Speaker 1 and putt-putt. And I'm like, I don't want to play putt-putt.
Putt-putt's everywhere. No one likes putt-putt.
No one likes regular putt-putt. Let's be honest.
It's played out a little bit. Okay.

Speaker 1 But guess what we do? We play putt-putt. Go to putt-putt.

Speaker 1 But all else fails. Yes.
And Allie and Gustavo decide to do the ropes course.

Speaker 1 And then Astrid, for some reason, one of my daughters and Astrid are eyeing the climbing wall, a very huge climbing wall, four stories in the air climbing wall on the back of the thing.

Speaker 1 And they start looking at that climbing wall. And I'm like, oh my God,

Speaker 1 my young girl is going to go up there and try and climb four stories. Yeah.
I will tell you the surprising end to this story, as well as the pizza shop when we get back.

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Speaker 1 Astrid and my

Speaker 1 one of my girls.

Speaker 1 I mean

Speaker 1 this climbing wall that is three and a half, four stories in the earth. It's very tall and it's like a real climbing wall.
And there's a bunch of children that are manning this climbing wall.

Speaker 1 But I can see that they have some kind of,

Speaker 1 I don't know if you've ever been climbing. Did I tell you this story that I tried one time and I failed this time? Oh my God.

Speaker 1 It's hard. I wouldn't even try because of my fear of heights.
I would get, I've been on children's climbing walls. Yes.
That's like seven feet. Yeah.
Like there's a place, a play place that we go.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my son wanted me to to help him climb up, so I did that. You know, whatever.
Yeah, you can do that. But the real one with like the rope and the thing and yeah.

Speaker 1 And the rope is one of those belay ropes, like an auto-belay. So you climb up, and then if you fall off, it automatically catches you and lowers you down slowly.
It's an auto-belay.

Speaker 1 So it's not someone actually doing it. It would make me feel a little bit better.
Okay.

Speaker 1 At least there's not some, you know, jack-off teenager trying to make sure that my daughter doesn't come crashing down or, God forbid, my wife.

Speaker 1 So I was like, okay, you know, here, I'll watch the baby while you do this. I guess, you know, be careful up there.
Well, my daughter,

Speaker 1 there's three sections of the wall. There's very difficult, difficult, and easy.
So they put my daughter on easy. She can barely fit into the harness.
Right.

Speaker 1 She's just small enough to get into the harness. But I give her credit.
She's fucking brave. She did it.
Listen, she has never seen courage. I know.

Speaker 1 She has never seen any of her parents exhibit that kind of courage because we don't have that kind of courage. But Astrid gets up there too.
This is going on over the course of an hour.

Speaker 1 It's like my daughter first, and then we come back to it, and then Astrid and my daughter are doing it.

Speaker 1 And then Gustavo, who's just finished the ropes course, which, of course, I'll never do because that thing's three stories in the air.

Speaker 1 And you got to like walk on, you know, a tight rope and all of a sudden, I was like,

Speaker 1 fuck that. I literally cannot get on a ladder without feeling afraid of heights.

Speaker 1 But Astrid goes on it. And then she gets down.
She probably gets halfway up the wall and she goes down. And then Gustavo and Alley are getting in their gear to go next.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 Gustavo goes, hey, brother, you're going to go? Come on, brother. Let's go.

Speaker 1 And Astra turns to him and she goes, he's not going to do that. Like that.

Speaker 1 Something about that,

Speaker 1 those words. Yeah, it was like a challenge.
Compelled my balls

Speaker 1 to release a high dose of testosterone. And my brain went into auto shutoff mode.
And I, and after they,

Speaker 1 after they did it, I just didn't say a word. And after they did it, and I got braver and braver.
And after Gustavo got down, I think he made it almost all the way up the difficult wall.

Speaker 1 After he did it, I jumped over there and I said, loot me up, coach. Harness me up.
I'm ready to go up. I am ready to go up.
Chrissy, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm doing it.

Speaker 1 I have never been in a harness. I don't know how to climb a wall.
I don't even know what you're supposed to do. But instinct takes over.

Speaker 1 And I quickly, quickly, and not looking down once, climbed right up that wall and rang that bell all the way up to the top. Difficult range, three and a half stories in the air.

Speaker 1 To which then my poor hands and body, my old frail body just gave out.

Speaker 1 And I knew, I knew it was coming, but I was like, okay, I can't hold on any longer. I did it.
And I let go and the belay released like 10 of the 30 feet just like, woo.

Speaker 1 And then it slowed down. but it slowed down in a way that I couldn't catch my body.
So I literally landed on the ground flat.

Speaker 1 To which the young teenager, who I think is there to help you in some way, shape, or form, nice guy, was like, whoa, dude.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh, man. And then I was like having trouble getting myself back up.

Speaker 1 I was like, and he's just standing on top of me, like, yo, all right, bro.

Speaker 1 And I was like, yeah, can you help me up? And he's like, wow, bro, you took a hit there. And I was like, yeah, can you help me up?

Speaker 1 I'm picturing you climbing the wall. I know.
I'm doing it. I'm doing it.
I'm doing it. Me.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 onto the floor. I think Astrid has this on video.
And if she does,

Speaker 1 I will put it on our Instagram at the commercial break. Chrissy, this was like, I really felt very proud of myself when I hit that bell.
But like most of my life,

Speaker 1 most accomplishments are then superseded by some embarrassments.

Speaker 1 I can't win for losing.

Speaker 1 I must have looked like an idiot. I don't even think I've watched the video.
I haven't watched the video.

Speaker 1 I must have looked like an idiot just falling non-gracefully three stories down and falling directly on my back. God.
I mean, I are. That's great for your back, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's, you know, that'll, that'll make you sleep well at night. Yeah, and then I wonder why my back's hurt for the last couple of days.
Actually, now I think I'm putting two and two together.

Speaker 1 That's it. That's why I landed directly on my back.

Speaker 1 But I was just, I don't know what made me, it's like the time that I jumped out of an airplane.

Speaker 1 I don't know what made me do it, but some kind of weird thing happens sometimes, even though I'm terrified of heights. And you probably on any other day.
We did a whole

Speaker 1 zip line situation. Mile in the air.
Didn't we do like the world's longest zip line?

Speaker 1 Yes. Or the world's highest or something? Yeah, it was very, very long.
It was like 15 different stops. Very long, very high.
Very high up in the air.

Speaker 1 And there again, something in my brain takes over where I can manage to get over the fear. You weren't just going to have me do it.
No, no, no, no, no, no. You had to legitimately.
Well, yeah,

Speaker 1 when you decided you were going to come, I think you said, we got to do the zip lines. I've read about the zip lines.
And what was I going to do? Have you do it by yourself? No.

Speaker 1 Let's both get in a harness, smoke cigarettes all the way through

Speaker 1 the tree canopy of Costa Rica. I think I might have taken a few shots at tequila.
Oh my god.

Speaker 1 Rum. Beforehand.
I think so.

Speaker 1 I think it's a pretty safe assumption. If we're talking about that trip to Costa Rica, one or both of us was fucked up at any given hour of the day, or all given hours of the day.

Speaker 1 That was a wild trip. It was.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I fly planes, I jump out of them, I randomly climb up walls. But if you tried to get me on a ladder to change a light bulb in my own house, my knees would shake.

Speaker 1 Literally, I don't know what it is. It was crazy.
So, anyway, so now I've had my adventure for the day, right? I've decided like I'm a man. And I was so proud of myself.

Speaker 1 Astron looks at Gustavo and she goes, He still got it.

Speaker 1 And I was like, got what? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I probably look like a.

Speaker 1 He's still got it. It's back problems.
I probably look like a one-legged Spider-Man crawling up that.

Speaker 1 I'm dying to see it. I don't even think I used my feet.

Speaker 1 I was just pulling myself up.

Speaker 1 Just adrenaline strength. Yeah, I just wanted to get to the next thing so I could prove to myself that I could do it, but it was hard.
I went on the difficult one. It was hard.

Speaker 1 So, okay, so, all right, now we're done. Everyone's done.
Oh, we get that arcade, and Chrissy, I give those kids, I give them $25.

Speaker 1 Like, I tell them no, no, no, no, no about the arcade because they started asking the second they saw it. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.
Money pit, money, pit, money, pit.

Speaker 1 And what do you get at the end? You get a rubbery ball and a pack of three sweet tarts for the $38 you've spent. It doesn't make any sense.
But of course, I give in because I'm like. I'm not germs.

Speaker 1 I know. Oh, God.

Speaker 1 All those games. But you know, money.
You're not going in and cleaning

Speaker 1 after all of those kids. No, no, no, no, no.
I'll tell you the surprising thing. One second, I'll tell you about cleaning that surprised me a little bit.

Speaker 1 So we walk into this arcade, and the arcade has surprisingly few video games and a whole bunch of things with claws.

Speaker 1 Claws, those are the money pit.

Speaker 1 And ways to win tickets. Skee ball, wheel of fortune,

Speaker 1 those games of chance where you like something's like that.

Speaker 1 There's these tickets wound in a big circle, like these big packs of tickets, right? Thousand, five thousand, fifty thousand. And you have to drop a little arm in there.

Speaker 1 They're all spinning around on this wheel real fast. And you have to drop an arm in there to try and shove them off.
And if you shove one of them off, you get them.

Speaker 1 There was a kid.

Speaker 1 This little shit.

Speaker 1 Every time he dropped that arm, he was getting like 50,000 tickets. He was putting them on his arm, and he had a whole sleeve of these tickets.

Speaker 1 And I, yes, ropes, yes,

Speaker 1 ropes of tickets. And I'm like, I'm fascinated by this kid, pudgy little redhead, just like mastering all of these games.
And that wasn't the only time I saw him getting tickets.

Speaker 1 Wheel of Fortune, he won 10,000 tickets. The kid had like 600,000 tickets.
And I'm like, how, so I ask him, I go, How are you managing to do this? And he goes, well, I've been here a lot.

Speaker 1 I get real good at it after a while. And I'm like, and where are your mommy and daddy? They're in the room

Speaker 1 smoking math.

Speaker 1 They're at the bar doing Coke.

Speaker 1 So these claws, these claws, they're 10 points each time. And 10 points is like $3.
Well, I've given my kids $25.

Speaker 1 Well, I managed to get a claw thing for each of my children, but then fail at successful attempts. So basically, they get four claw attempts and then they're done with their money.

Speaker 1 And then they're screaming and yelling because they didn't get the thing that they wanted to really get. So I said, that's enough.
That's it. You know, you're getting shitty right now.

Speaker 1 It's like eight o'clock at night. I'll just buy you what that price is.
Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 one of the reasons why I say they were really the everybody there was really nice is because we actually didn't have the tickets to get them what they wanted.

Speaker 1 And the people just let us, they were like, I'll just have it.

Speaker 1 Which was nice. But then I thought about it.
I just spent $110 at your arcade. Thanks for the bouncy ball that costs a cent.
Yeah, you got it. That costs one red cent.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you had one of the on the RFID bracelet and you were alert. They were alerted.
He's spent. Yes,

Speaker 1 give it to him. He's in $6,000 now.

Speaker 1 At Great Wolf Law. His credit card doesn't go through.
That's right. Give him the.
Yeah. Give it to him.

Speaker 1 Checkout's at 11, but we got out at 7 before they ran the credit cards because I didn't want them to lock me in the room.

Speaker 1 So we go back upstairs, and now everybody's fussy, everybody's tired, and everybody's hungry. That's it.

Speaker 1 Hungry. Hangry.
So we're trying to figure out what to do. We've seen other people have...
other pizza box like outside pizza places boxes there but we decide no because that may take a long time Yeah.

Speaker 1 And we don't know what to trust out this far. Like, we don't know which pizza place.

Speaker 1 What about the guy from the elevator? What did he have? He had the pizza from downstairs. From downstairs.
Yeah. The

Speaker 1 Wolfie's Pizza.

Speaker 1 Everything is Wolfie something, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Swim, swim, Wolfie's dolphin, or whatever it is.

Speaker 1 There's the taco place, there's the burger place, there's the Dunkin' Donuts, there's the ice cream shop, there's the pizza place, and there's a cafeteria-like place where they just make cafeteria-type food.

Speaker 1 Well, the cafeteria place, for one reason or the other, wasn't open. I'm imagining dysentery, but you know, who knows? It's like a cruise ship.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the health department. The health department shut them down.
I don't know. The taco place is open, but I'm not sure I trust tacos from Great Wolf Lodge.

Speaker 1 The hamburger. The Wolfie Taco? The Wolfie taco.
Yeah. And by the way, no one seemed to be getting the Wolfie tacos, so it made me a little suspicious.
It's like my father-in-law always says.

Speaker 1 If the restaurant isn't crowded, there's a reason.

Speaker 1 It's not good, probably. So I thought to myself, well, I'm not sure I want to get, you know, the shits before I leave

Speaker 1 Great Wolf Lodge in 12 hours. And then the burger place, well, we've already had the burgers.
So let's not have burgers twice. So what's

Speaker 1 pizza? So Astrid finds a way that you can order online. You can order the pizzas to be picked up down at this pizza place that's embedded in the inside of the adventure park.

Speaker 1 So it says, so Astrid orders whatever it is, four pizzas, wing, a bunch of stuff. And she says, okay, be ready in 30 minutes.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So one of my kids begging me, can I go with? Can I go with? Can I go with? Can I go with? And I know what it's going to be is just, I want to buy the next thing. I want to buy the next thing.

Speaker 1 I want to buy the next thing. Yes.
But as a father, sometimes you actually do have to hang out with your children.

Speaker 1 So I was like, all right, here we're, you know, these are the kind of moments they'll remember when they get older.

Speaker 1 My daddy told me no for an hour straight waiting for pizza as he got increasingly frustrated at humans in general.

Speaker 1 So I tell Astrid Astrid after like 25 minutes, all right, it takes an hour to walk down there. So I'm going to go and it'll be ready by the time I get there.

Speaker 1 Well, I go down there, they got these big screens. It's, it's not even a pizza place.
It's like a, there's a counter and that counter, they have a, they have a big glass refrigerator full of drinks.

Speaker 1 They have a counter. The counter has plastic plates, bags, cups.

Speaker 1 And then it's got like some cookies behind the glass and some other stuff behind the glass and the little cash register over to the right where you can order stuff. Then it's got these screen.

Speaker 1 It's probably got seven tables in this little area, and then a bunch of tables outside. It's still inside the facility, but outside the actual enclosure that is the pizza place.

Speaker 1 But then there's no ovens right behind that. There's just this big wolf sign,

Speaker 1 and then there's a door where I imagine the kitchen is somewhere back there. Okay, they probably make all the food at one place and then just bring it to its respective restaurants.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I'm saying? Yes, I would say so. They freeze freeze it.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Six months later. Yeah, this is not fresh pizza.

Speaker 1 This is DiGiorno's afterthought pizza that's the DiGiorno Regional. Yes, that's right.
Chucked in en masse and cooked there in some weird oven.

Speaker 1 So we've got four of these pizzas, big screens, and they've got names. Order name, so it's got your last name, ready.

Speaker 1 And then they're just shoving them in this box, and there's one poor kid whose responsibility is to yell out the names of the orders and try and get people their pizza.

Speaker 1 Well, what I notice as soon as I walk in is that our name is, there's like four screens and our name is on the fourth screen and they're just getting to the people on the left-hand side of the screen.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, I go, all right, son, take a seat. We're going to be here for a minute.
I already know this. There are people that are sitting there, all of them waiting for pizza, you can tell.

Speaker 1 There are certain people who you can already understand are irritated by this whole situation. You've walked in.
You have to have levels of madness. Yes.

Speaker 1 There is a story to this moment, and you are walking in on that story, and you don't know what's going on. So my spidey senses are up.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to figure out, is there going to be a fist fight over the Wolfie's pizza, or is someone going to lose their shit?

Speaker 1 Because there are certain indicators that I won't get into right now for various reasons. There are certain indicators on certain people that tell me that it's likely.

Speaker 1 That someone could explode. Someone could explode or

Speaker 1 is in the

Speaker 1 process of exploding and I'm just walking into it. So I find a table, I sit my kid down right in front of the glass window.

Speaker 1 There is a lady with her three children, and she keeps walking back and forth trying to get the guy behind their attention. She keeps on

Speaker 1 every five seconds. Is that ours? Is that ours? Is that ours? And he keeps on saying, no.
It's not. I know your name.

Speaker 1 As soon as, okay.

Speaker 1 The guy goes back to get more pizzas, comes back.

Speaker 1 I start realizing that every time the guy went back to get pizzas, she takes a plastic bag from like one of those things you see at Kroger, like a plastic bag hanger.

Speaker 1 She takes a plastic bag, she puts plates and napkins in it, and she tells her kid to go get a drink. And the kid puts the drinks in another plastic bag.

Speaker 1 That kid takes all of the accoutrements outside the restaurant, and the kid comes back. What? Every time the guy leaves, this lady is stealing plates, plastic bags.

Speaker 1 She literally took like 50 plastic bags off the thing and and stuffed them in another plastic bag. Told her kid to go get more drinks and off away the goes.

Speaker 1 These people are stealing from the Great Wolf Lodge drinks, waters, sodas,

Speaker 1 utensils, napkins. It's like, what level of desperate? You could afford to come to the Great Wolf Lodge.
You can afford paper plates and napkins, and other people may need them.

Speaker 1 This is going to make it twice as expensive next time I decide to come to the Great Wolf Lodge because you're shitting on me. She's dead all scam.
The honor system. She did have a scam going on.

Speaker 1 And I don't know. I'm sure other people noticed it.
I couldn't have been the only one. Meanwhile, my son is like, can I watch your phone? Can I watch your phone? Can I watch your phone?

Speaker 1 He's like, did you bring an iPad for this excursion? And I am engrossed in what is going on.

Speaker 1 And so finally, I just like, I make it a rule of not giving my phone to my kids anywhere, but I just hand him the phone. And I'm like, here you go.

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, he's on like U porn and I'm here watching the ladies steal drinks. I'm just going, should I say something or should I not say something?

Speaker 1 Because, you know, this day and age, sometimes it's dangerous to say something. Should I say something?

Speaker 1 And maybe,

Speaker 1 just maybe, I'm making the assumption that she's not paying for it, but maybe it's possible that she paid for it.

Speaker 1 Well, after like the fifth time of grabbing four or five different liters of like Gatorade and soda, there's no way because

Speaker 1 Yes, there was an honor system in the sense the guy would hand you your pizza. He handed me my pizza and then he said, you can get your drinks.
I see you have this.

Speaker 1 You can get your drinks from the thing.

Speaker 1 He was telling everybody that, right? But he wasn't really paying attention to what you were getting.

Speaker 1 But, you know, my kid's watching. And so I feel like, even if I wanted an extra soda, I don't think I would do it, even if he wasn't there.
But I'm certainly not going to do it with my kid there.

Speaker 1 No way. Or involve your kid.
Yes.

Speaker 1 In the theft of the Great Wolf Lodge pizza place.

Speaker 1 So after this lady got her pizza, there were people behind me and they were in slow-motion, redneck explosion over how long this was taking their pizza.

Speaker 1 And I could hear them talking, the parents talking amongst themselves, the children yelling at

Speaker 1 saying, you know,

Speaker 1 when's this fucking pizza going to be ready, dad? And the dad would be like, I don't know, son, but I'm getting real pissed off. Yeah, I'm getting pissed off too.

Speaker 1 You know, like a whole family of shitheads. Do you know what I'm saying? Like they're breeding them in some kind of peach tish for assholes.

Speaker 1 And I can hear these kids, you know. And my kid is like, Daddy, I think that guy said the word asshole.
And I'm like, he did, and you don't repeat it.

Speaker 1 Only daddy can say that on his podcast because that's how we make money.

Speaker 1 And you'll learn, you'll learn the hypocrisy of daddy later on in life. But for right now, you can't say the word asshole.
That's right.

Speaker 1 So eventually, after like 40 minutes,

Speaker 1 our name comes up and the guy comes out with our pizza. I know we won the pizza lottery, but when we stand up,

Speaker 1 the guy behind me is at the counter before I am. He stands up right away and walks right in front of me.
And he goes, Is that our pizza? And I go, I think he called my name.

Speaker 1 And he looks at the guy and he goes, This guy was here after us. And he goes, It goes in order.
And maybe you were here. Yeah, they ordered it before you.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, did this guy blow up at this kid?

Speaker 1 And he was like, this makes no sense. How do you fucking run an operation like this when people are waiting? This guy gets it before that guy.
There's no making sense of this. Blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 This poor teenager is like, sir, I'll get my manager, but this is the way it is. You have to wait for your pizza.
It'll be up soon. You know, you don't.

Speaker 1 It's like the pizza shop is the worst shop in the world. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 It was just like, it was just like. The worst of humanity comes out.
Yeah. And this is happening so much.
We see it on social media. And now it's just like unfolding in front of my eyes.

Speaker 1 It's not the first time. It won't be the last time.
But finally, I just couldn't take it. I didn't make it a point not to get involved because, you know, I got kids with me.

Speaker 1 Like I don't want to be the ire of anybody's displeasure. Right.
But I finally looked at the guy and I go, hey, man, he's a kid. He's just doing what he's told to do.

Speaker 1 I know I waited a long time for the pizza too. Like, you got to give him a break.
It's very busy in here. He just, he's just trying to do what he's going to do.
And the guy goes, man, fuck that.

Speaker 1 We all been waiting here 40 minutes. I go, I know I waited as long too, but it'll be good once you get it.
Just give him a break, right? Just give him a break. He's not the one that's making this all.

Speaker 1 Everybody in this whole place.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And the guy, to his small credit, after having a major meltdown on this 14-year-old teenager, did go and sit down as I was leaving the restaurant, right?

Speaker 1 But I was like, and then my kid is like this. He goes, daddy, what did you say to that guy? And I go, I just told him that it would probably be best that he didn't yell anymore in the restaurant.

Speaker 1 And he goes, my kid goes, yeah, but we did wait a long time for the pizza. And I thought to myself, I am also growing a shithead in a peach tree dish.
We are all fucked.

Speaker 1 And you know what?

Speaker 1 There's not much I can do about it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you saying peach tree-ish?

Speaker 1 Peach tree. Peach tree.
Thank you, Chrissy. It's peach tree.

Speaker 1 What did I say? Peach tree. What did I say? Peach tree.

Speaker 4 The entire episode.

Speaker 1 I say peach tree dish?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 it's the Georgia thing. Yeah, we live in Atlanta.
It's okay. It's the Georgia thing.

Speaker 1 It's also early in the week, so I'm still trying to get my sea legs under me. So you have to say peach tree dish.

Speaker 1 It's a lamb borghini.

Speaker 1 Lamb borghini. Lamb borghini.

Speaker 4 You do a lot of talking.

Speaker 1 It's okay. It's hard.
It is. I know.
You don't know how many words I get wrong all the time. I'm just a wordsmith that can't get the words right.

Speaker 1 Well, I think you were a little flustered too, thinking about the Great Wolf Lodge, which I venture to say you will never go back to. No, that's not true.

Speaker 1 We're planning our next visit to the Great Wolf Lodge. Well, here's the thing.
I also don't really care for Disney World right now with small children,

Speaker 1 and I think some things have just gotten out of control about Disney World. Pricing.

Speaker 1 layoff staff over-commercialization even though that's funny I'm saying that about Disney World but they've over over commercialized it

Speaker 1 but the children love it and it's not about for once in my goddamn life i'm not going to be selfish we will at some point go back to the great wolf lodge because the kids had so much fun and no one ended up with their anuses falling out so there you go i guess we'll give it that no one threw up

Speaker 1 but what surprised me about the great wolf lodge as far as cleaning was concerned is we could see

Speaker 1 inside of the glass walls of that place and when the pool closed at 9 p.m i didn't see one not one person in there cleaning. Now, it's very possible that could have been done later on in the night.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it could be done down under in the machinery. I don't know, but I thought certainly a crew is going to go in there and just spray that place down.
Fix the chairs, get everything back in order.

Speaker 1 Listen, I'm sure somebody who works there can tell me differently, but I didn't see anybody in there, and that made me a little bit surprised.

Speaker 1 So, when we didn't take advantage of the next day, we did. We went there, yeah, we got up, and I took the kids to the pool, and we had fun.
Anyway, 212-433-3

Speaker 1 for 212-433-3TCB, TCBPodcast.com, at the commercial break on Instagram, tcbpodcast.tiktok and youtube.com/slash the commercial break. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now.
I think so.

Speaker 1 But I'll say that I love you. I love you.
Best to you. Best to you.
And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy, and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.

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