Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!

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It's Vicki. I just finished dinner.
Also, I wanted to tell Brian, one of the gals that I sit with has a computer, a laptop, I think, or something. Anyway, she wanted to know about, well, the girls wanted to know what's the name of this podcast.
Well, she looked up under his name and found it, and not only did she find it, it said it's the number one podcast in your area or in your, I don't know, but it's the number one podcast, and they got to see a picture of Brian. They thought he was just darling.
And so they're going to,'re gonna they have the ability to listen to podcasts so they're gonna listen to his podcast tonight i hope maybe this weekend you can come over here and visit i love you very much sweetheart talk to you soon bye-bye on this episode of the commercial break the phone works both ways, bro. Like, you know, we could talk to each other.
And he remembered... We just went to the comedy show together.
We did, but that's not enough for him. He's like my extra wife.
He's like a second wife. It's never enough for me.
He needs more of my time than I am able to give. He got a taste.
He got a taste. And he wanted more.
He got a little tasty Tina or a Brian. And listen, when you get a tasty tea of these tees bags, you want the full dip.
You know what I'm talking about? You want a full-throated taste of Brian. You want the DD cancer.
Yeah, that's right. And then 24 hours later, you're like, that guy's a real asshole.
The next episode of

The Commercial Break starts

now.

Oh yeah,

Cass and Kittens, welcome back to The Commercial

Break. I'm Brian Green.
This is my dear friend

and the co-host of this show, Chris and Joy Hoadley.

Best to you, Chris. Best to you, Brian.

Best to you out there in the podcast universe.

Thanks for joining us on this

3,000th episode of The Commercial Break. I really appreciate it.
In case you haven't heard, I want to say it right at the top of the show, and then I'll shut up until the next episode of The Commercial Break. 12 hours of TCB, May 31st.
That's the Saturday. Mark your calendars, kids.
Celebrities, fun and games, probably Chrissy and I sleeping a little bit on air, or the opposite, we'll be high on some kind of, you know, Colombian marching powder that keeps us going throughout the day, or five-hour energy. We have plenty of that, Chrissy.
Yes, we do. I mean, I'm eyeing that five-hour energy right now.
I'm like, well, it's not good for my heart, but, you know, you only live once. Twelve hours of TCBB celebrating five years of the commercial break.
Five years of the commercial break. It's so hard to believe.
It's hard to wrap your head around how long this has been going on. It feels in a lot of ways like yesterday, and in some ways it feels very much not like yesterday.
I completely agree. We've been doing this for a lot longer.
All of our lives. Yeah, well, I mean, when you're this deep in, it's all-consuming.
It's just as... That's all I remember is the commercial break.
I know. I don't even remember which other jobs I had, if I'm being completely honest with you.
I know. It's so crazy, too, because starting in the pandemic, I mean, there's been so much that's happened.
So much in such a short period of time. And it's been the longest five years of my life and the shortest five years of my life.
I've had multiple children. I mean, it's just like we could go on and on.
And we will go on and on on the 12 Hours of GCP. We'll have a lot to discuss.
We'll be reviewing the five years of the commercial break, talking about some of our favorite segments, content, guests, and all that other stuff. Celebrity guests will be here.
And we'll do it all for a good cause, Chrissy, as we celebrate National Mental Health Awareness Month, which is May, and of course, just like us, we're waiting until the very last day of May to do it. In support with our good friends at Odyssey, Covert Creative, and CTV.
So more information to follow on all that jazz. I don't want to get you mucked up in the details.
We're still a couple months away from that. But I thought I'd let you know.
Because, you know, you're going to have to pack a lunch. This is going to be a long one.
12 episodes, 12 hours, one day. We actually had to contact Apple and Spotify.
We had to contact them and let them know that, no, that's not fake traffic. That's just us being ridiculous.
And they said, okay, this one time we'll allow you to do it, TCB. And we said, thank you, sir.
Thank you very much. I learned that, interestingly enough, I was thinking about you when I learned this.
I was this many days old when I learned that friends who roast each other tend to be friends for longer and tend to be more satisfied with their friendship. The strongest connections that we make are with the people who give us the hardest time, like roasting each other.
And so it like made me think about that time that Brian Moses, who you barely remember, but I can kind of remember. No, I remember.
I remember the interview. Brian Moses invited us out to do the roast battle out in L.A.
He does it with Jeffrey Ross and that whole ragtag group that's doing Kill Tony, which is now on Netflix. Kill Tony is on Netflix.
I did not know this. Yeah.
Okay, I'll leave it out there. Anyway, okay.
It reminded me of that time that he invited us out there and both of us i think were a little bit gun shy you were more gun shy than i was i was like it's okay we'll go up there i was offering us to you know he's like just do three minutes we'll give you coaches you guys can write these jokes you can be in total control of which ones you do and which ones you don't do and i thought to myself we should revisit that revisit that because we are best friends. We are.
And maybe a little roasting is what this relationship needs. Just get it out in the open.
Spice it up a little bit. Either make us friends or come to a natural conclusion of the commercial break.
Natural conclusion. I know.
One of the two. But I was thinking back on like all of my friendships, all the friendships I've had throughout the years.
And I think it's true. I think the friends that I've had for the longest, sans you, because I think we have a little bit of a different relationship.
We don't roast each other a whole bunch. I mean, we have fun here in the studio.
Yeah, we rib each other. Yeah, we rib.
But I wouldn't call it a serious roasting. We never get under each other's skin or try and poke at our insecurities.
Yeah, bust balls. Yeah, it's not a, I wouldn't call it like a serious roasting.
We never like get under

each other's skin or try and, you know, poke at our insecurities. Yeah, no busting balls.
But I do, some of my other best friends that I've had are friends that are considered good friends. We really do give each other a hard time.
I think about Raphael or my brothers or, you know, some people I've, that I'm maybe not as close with now, but back then, and they would just go at me.

And I hated it. or some people that I'm maybe not as close with now, but back then.
And they would just go at me.

And I hated it with every fiber of my being.

But for some reason, it endured me to them.

I liked the fact that they would roast me.

Let me give you an example.

This weekend, there was a big party.

So those who have listened to the commercial break know that I'm married to a Venezuelan woman. And how I met that Venezuelan woman was through my Venezuelan best friend and his incredibly large family.
Now, this is the kind of family where you can be like 32 cousins removed, yet you are still part of the immediate family. Do you know what I'm talking about? I do.
And I admire that. Yeah.
This seems to be big in the Hispanic culture that everyone is part of the family, no matter how distant the relation is. And when the siren song of a party goes across the wires, then everybody from many different countries, even other planets, I think, just zoom on in to come to this party because there's going to be free liquor, someone's going to cook food food and there's going to be dancing.
So we better get there because, you know, that's the spice of life. General fun.
Yes. That's the thing that makes the world go round.
And for Venezuelans, the party is life. Life is a party.
There is no other reason to exist except to get to the next party. It's my kind of culture, really.
I agree with you. I'm right there.
And as a teenager, that was like the, as a teenager and in my early 20s, before I met Raphael, that was the opposite of what I experienced. I would, and I've said this before, in my family, my immediate family, my cousins, my uncles, my aunts, we have one very large family on my mom's side, yet it seemed like a race to get out the door as soon as you got in the door.
Do you know what I'm saying? Like it was in the door, food was served immediately, people would say their goodbyes and gone. If it lasted an hour, that was a party.
If it lasted two hours, people were getting fussy and antsy. If it lasted three hours, there was like a mutiny on the bow like where's the fucking get me the fuck away from these people but in the venezuelan culture which is the one i know the best and i think this is true of a lot of hispanic cultures and european cultures quite frankly like spain and stuff like that it seems like the opposite everyone just they want to stay as long as they can they want to stay as long as they can.
They want to do as much as they can. So over the weekend, there's like the first big get together for one of the family members hundredth birthday party.
Oh my God, a hundredth? A hundred. And she looked great.
Her name is Tatcha, or that's what we call her, Tatcha. And she was not even a family member.
She is the woman who raised the great-grandparent, the grandparent, the parent, and then Raphael.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

What a celebration.

What a celebration.

And she looked fantastic.

They had her sitting in a chair like when you walked into this clubhouse with a bunch of balloons and like a whole thing.

And then two photographers were taking pictures.

Everyone who came in got a picture with her.

It was just like a beautiful event.

I love that. Everyone was there.
Five years old. Because I don't think we've all gotten together.
Everyone has gotten together since the pandemic. Some people have, but we haven't seen a lot of those people since the pandemic.
And it was just beautiful. 120 people there.
Everybody who's anybody who ever talked to these people is invited. And it's just this huge party.
Room is filled. filled and rafael my best friend is there giving me a hard time as he always does about everything yeah bro we don't see you anymore it's like you know you don't even love us anymore he's just like ribbing me the whole time and i'm annoyed and i'm like rafael shut the fuck like it the phone works both ways bro like you could you know we could talk to each other and he.
We just went to the comedy show together. We did, but that's not enough for him.
He's like my extra wife. He's like a second wife.
He is. It's never enough for him.
He needs more of my time than I am able to give. He got a taste.
He got a taste. And he wanted more.
He got a little tasty Tina or a Brian. And listen, when you get a tasty tea of these tees bags, you want the full dip.
You know what I'm talking about? You want to go, you want a full throated taste of Brian. Yes, that's right.
And then 24 hours later, you're like, that guy's a real asshole. I realize now why we haven't seen him in five years.
But he, him and I were shooting the shit. And then we were just like know, hey man, I love you.
It's so good to see you. You know, I just, we need to spend more time together, which is true.
All of this is true. I'm not, he's right.
I have a million children and it's really hard to find time, but I need to find time because that is the fruit of the tree is your friendships and the people that you love. And I need to, and now the kids are old enough or some of them are old enough that I can break away for a few minutes.
I need to do more of that. And he goes, but you're just such an asshole.
Like you're such an asshole. And man, I hate you sometimes.
He's like, I still think you should have kicked that guy's ass. And I remember, and when, as soon as he said that, I get so fucking irritated.
Cause I remember the exact thing that he talking about. The exact ass? The exact ass that he wanted me to get.
That's right. I remember the exact ass and the exact moment that he's talking about.
Let me explain. We're working at the Lestrade, the Italian Trittoria, where you send some soft shell crabs and some dried bread.
We're off to work there, too. Chianti Classico.
That's how we met. That's where we met.
What? That's where we met. If you, I won't, I don't, there's too many stories to tell, but I won't get into it.
If you remember, he became the general manager of the, there was two of these locations. And the one that I worked at, he came from the other location to be the manager.
And the very first night that we met, he wasn't there to manage. He was there to just sit at the bar and kind of observe things.
Well, we both got incredibly drunk, headed to the bar across the street, closed that out, then walked to his grandparents' house where Tatcho was waiting to make us food. She got up and started cooking empanadas.
And I'm like, what the hell? That was that night. Yes.
And then he tried to get me in his bed. Yes.
Remember? Yes, I remember this story, but I thought you guys had already been friends.

No, this is the very first night we met. Rafa has suggested that we sleep in the same bed together.
And as an Irish white guy with a lot of Catholic guilt and some feelings around that, I was like, no, no, no, no, no. You got the wrong guy, mister.
I'm out. See you later.
So I'm out with his grandparents' portable phone outside of this townhouse calling for a cabin at 4.30 in the morning. Anyway, fast forward a year later, and we've been working together for a long time, and now we're best friends.
And there is a guy named Eric that works at the restaurant. Eric is a noted crackhead.
And when I say noted crackhead i don't mean that like as a like as a put down i mean that literally he is a crackhead he smokes crack and he's been known to do it at work the guy is a fantastic waiter fantastic maybe the best in the entire place nothing like a little yes because he is like sonic smooth and efficient he's light on his feet he's zipping all over the place he can handle a million tables he talks to everybody he's sweating uh profusely all over your food but he's really good at what he does and everybody knew it so therefore they tolerated the other behaviors but at some point, Eric and I got on the wrong foot.

He owed me $100.

I don't know.

I gave him $100 to go get drugs.

He never came back with it.

Something happened.

And this turned into an entire restaurant ordeal.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yes, yes, I do. Like we gave him money to go get something.

He never showed back up with it.

Then claimed that he got robbed or whatever the deal was.

Like a real crackhead type shit, right? Like real crackhead type story. Eric was all of a sudden persona non grata, but we saw him pull up with his wife at the time into the bar directly across the street.
And we had been looking for him. Where are you with our hundred dollars? Where are you? This is the same night? The same night he left.
He had gotten off like in the afternoon shift. Okay.
Yeah. Yeah.
And we said, all right, bro, set us up for the, you know, hook us up for the nighttime. We're going to have a big party here at La Strada once it closes down, which happened a lot, by the way.
We would lock the doors and multiple times the police officers were like in the parking lot, like with the flashlights looking in. And we were like, nothing to see here.
We wouldn't open the doors. We'd be like, we're fine.
Everything's okay. There's hostages in here.
Don't worry about it. So he took our money.
And I was like the guy in charge for whatever reason of this particular situation. And Raphael got me all worked up.
And he said, you got to fucking kick this guy's ass, man. There's only one way to teach a crackhead how to there's only one way to teach a lesson to a crackhead and that's a fucking kick his ass kick his fucking ass brian go get him get him get let's walk across the street let's get him i can't picture and there were other employees that went over there and they got eric all riled up so now it's like it's literally a scene out of the Story.
When you're a jet, you're a jet all the way from your first cracky pipe to your sniff all the day. Like, it's like, it's crackhead West Side Story.
And so at some point, the game is on. We've been at the restaurant as long as we can be at the restaurant.
I don't know what to do. I'm not a fighter.
I never have been. No, that's what few scraps, a couple I've won, most I've lost.
It's not my thing. I think I can, I have defended myself in certain situations, but I am not the guy to swing first.
I have never been the guy to swing first. So we go over there and we're walking across the street and Eric comes out with his team and I got my team.
And it's like seriously a gang war in front of this suburban dive bar. How did he even have a team? Because he's in the wrong here.
But he rallied some troops. How did, are you alive in 2025? People have teams regardless if they're right or wrong.
It doesn't matter. This is true.
Good point. Shitheads, people like shitheads too.
For some reason, they vote for the troll. I don't know why.
Who knows? And when I say team, he's got like his, you know, four or five people. His friends.
And I got my four or five people. And we're over there and everyone is charged up.
And we meet in the parking lot and I'm like and rafael's behind me he's like fucking kick his ass man fucking get him dude swing first you got to go right for his head swing first get him get him get that hundred dollars back get to hundred dollars and we're all and by the way everyone's lambasted we're all fucking shit can Yes. It's like two in the morning.

So we get over there.

We're out in the parking lot.

I will never forget this.

And I say, where's our fucking money, Eric?

And he goes, I don't know.

I got robbed.

And that's how it is. And you're not fucking getting $100 because I don't have it.

And I said, well, if you don't give us our $100 back or our product right now, I'm going to kick your fucking ass. And he pulled out a knife and I ran.
And I ran. I headed for the hills.
I ran across the street back to the bar. Raphael's like, what are you doing? What are you doing? You got to kick his ass.
And I'm like, I'm not going to kick his ass. He's got a knife.
And he's like, don't worry about the knife. Fucking grab the knife out of his hand.
I've got your back. And I'm like, then you hit him.
And he's like, I don't want to hit him. Everyone's yelling and screaming at each other.
So now I'm the big asshole because I decided not to fight the guy with the knife. And Raphael has relentlessly bullied me about this since the night that it happened you should have kicked Eric's ass you should have kicked that guy's ass relentlessly bullied me about it and you know what I think he's right I think even though that guy had a knife I think I should have found a way to kick his ass because Eric continued to be an asshole and continued to be a crackhead and scam people's money now crackheads a crackhead they're going to take your money I should have learned that lesson a long time ago but at the end of the day like I kind of pussied out in the whole situation not only did I not fight him but I ran away from him like I ran across the street away from him so big Irish tough guy decided to run now in the moment I think I felt my life was threatened.
He had a knife. It wasn't a particularly big knife, but it was a knife.
Yeah, those things can be really sharp. Of course.
Ones where you click them. Yeah, it was like one of those.
It was a flip one, right? It was like a flip. It was like a small hunting knife, right? Yes, those things are sharp.
Yeah, or like a bread knife for, you know, the bread. It's the tutorial.
I don't know what it was for. But I saw the silver and I headed out.
And Raphael has busted my balls ever since about this. Ever since.
They're not probably two conversations that go by. And if Raphael has at least three beers in him, he's going to mention that I should have kicked Eric's ass.
He has relentlessly bullied me about this forever and ever. He roasts me about it all the time.
And he's probably right. And because he's probably right.
And because I like the good nature of the rib. I love him.
I love him because I'm a pussy and I didn't, you know, kick Eric's ass. And so at the end of the day, a little good, hard love every once in a while,, a little good tough love where people are poking at you and they're telling you the truth in a way that feels funny or satirical or sarcastic.
I think it makes for good times. That's what I got to say.
I think this article that I read is so fucking true, is that if you can get with your buddies and you guys can tell each other like it is, but have a little laugh at the same time, you're going to be friends for a long time. Well, I'm willing to revisit it.
Revisit it, Chrissy. I will look into that.
I'm going to have to scan. You should have gone to the roast, Chrissy.
You should have gone to the roast. I'm going to have to scan my memories now for any kind of roast material.
There was never a fight situation with us. No, there's no.
Oh, trust me. I'm sure you have a lot of roast material.
I'm sure it's in your brain somewhere. We're not friends for this long, and there's not at least 10 things on your list where you're like, what a fucking dick.
What a fucking dick. But I'm not suggesting that you roast me.
I'm just sharing this. This little stat? Yeah, this little thing.
And if you want to, we can take some LSD and I can fuck with you. That was the other thing that a lot of my friends did.
Well, we've taken plenty of drugs together. We have.
That's true. We have.
But never LSD. Never LSD or ayahuasca.
I mean, ayahuasca, I put in a different category of things to do. That's not like, you know, ha-ha giggles on a Friday night.
No, that's not. Yeah, it's like get the therapist involved kind of thing.
I want to know how my friend did on the Hero Dose. I was wondering that.
I sent you a message the other day. She called me over the weekend, as she often does.
She'll call me on the weekend when she's driving up,

you know,

outside the perimeter to do something.

She'll call and check in

and tell me how funny the show is.

That's why I answer the phone

because she always says

how funny our show is.

And that makes me,

that gives me a tickle in my pickle.

So,

but I'll get an update

and I'll let you know

how the hero knows when.

But anyway,

I love you.

We should have done the roast.

I should have kicked that guy's ass.

I love you too. Yeah.
Okay. roast.
I should have kicked that guy's ass. I love you too.

Yeah. Okay.
We'll be to be on an episode of the show? Leave us a message at 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822.
Tell us how much you love us, and we'll be sure to let the world know on a future episode. Or you can make fun of us.
That'd be fine too. We might not air that, but maybe.
Oh, and if you're shy, that's okay. Just send a text.
We'll respond. Now I'm going to go check the mailbox for payment while you check out our sponsors.
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And while in the moment it may be hard to see the forest through the trees, those Rule Breakers often define what it means to be a success. Each week, former wrestling superstar Soraya sits down with the boldest voices in sports, entertainment, and beyond to talk about breaking barriers, defying expectations, and rewriting the rules.
They're talking about it all, the fights, the failures, and the moments that changed everything. You can follow and listen to Rule Breakers with Soraya on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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PrizePix, run your game. Must be present in certain certain states visit pricepicks.com for restrictions and details okay i have a question for the listeners out there and i know i'll probably get a lot of feedback about this true or not true statement i'm about to make everybody in your particular town has all of a sudden become a student driver oh my, my God.
Yeah, this was something we were talking about. It's crazy.
It is literally insane. And I feel like it just kind of popped up over the past maybe year where I've really started to notice that it is like every other car says student driver on it.
And a lot of times it's just a lone person. It's a lone old woman or single human.
Yes. Or clearly someone who should have been driving most of their life.
Yeah. Because back before when you saw those, I mean, it was literally, you thought somebody was like in training, you know, there would be maybe two people in the car.
It's a parent or it's an instructor. Right.
Of some kind. Exactly.
And now not. It would say like, you know, Appa to driving school on the side of the car, there'd be a big yellow sign on top of it.
You'd know clearly that this sometimes even two extra like, you know, red lights sitting on the back of the car, like hooked up through the, you know, you know, the crappy Civic with the two extra lights, the guys making extra money on the weekend, teaching driving or whatever. It used to be clearly identified.
But now, at least where we live in Atlanta, we've talked about this with a lot of people, it appears that every fourth car is now a student driver because they are putting bumper stickers on the back of their car that either say, please be patient, learning to drive, or student driver in a big yellow bumper sticker that they have attached to their car, magnet, whatever. Is this the name of a band that we don't know about or something? You know what? I thought about that.
I know you might be right. I thought about that and I looked it up and I don't see, there is a band named student driver, but they don't seem to be like, they don't to be so popular you need to be taylor swift level

to get that kind of attention on the back of a car i mean every fucking fourth car it says

student driver so now i did a little informal experiment a little control and a little you

know a little control and a little what do you call it test test skirt i drove both to both schools that my children go to. And that happens one hour after the other.
One at eight, one at nine. And I drove them to school and I would say it's a five mile round trip to each school.
So we're talking about 10 total miles that I'm driving. And I saw seven, seven student driver stickers on the back of cars.
That is an insane amount of cars to see. And I'm driving like side streets, not highways.
So I'm getting stuck behind cars or see cars at a stoplight or whatever that have student driver on the back of them. Just because you're a poor fucking driver does not mean you get the right to put student driver on the back of your car.
What that does mean is you should take lessons. But if you've been driving for more than a year, you are no longer a student driver.
And I don't want you to use that student driver sticker because it gives inappropriate attention to your piss poor driving. And if you think for one second that I'm going to excuse you because you put a sticker on the back of your car and you're driving 22 miles per hour in a 45 mile per hour lane no sirreeba enough we all are going around lying to each other pretending that shit is one way when it really isn't so that we can get the empathy or sympathy of others on the road when the fact is you shouldn't have a license in the first place because you don't know how to drive.
I think this might be our new sticker.

Student.

TCB. TCB.
Student driver. FU, student driver.
FU. That's what I'm going to put.
FU, student driver. This is a trend that has taken hold.
And I don't get it because I don't know. but when I was a student driver, like when I had my learning learner's permit,

I think I knew a collective three other human beings who had their learner's permit. It's impossible that every fourth car on the road has their learner's permit or is within the first year of driving.
Here's the thing. And this is what really got me set off.
This is a couple of months ago. I've been waiting to talk about this for months.
Well, also, it was like embarrassing to see it. Like, I mean, I was a student driver at some point, but I was not putting that on the car.
And neither were my parents. Fuck no.
I mean, I think my dad probably would have wanted to do it. But two things.
He was way too precious about his vehicle to be putting a sticker on the back of the car. Bumper stickers were a no-no in my house and continue to be a no-no in my house.

Like my kids always want to put a sticker on it. I'm like, do you know how fucking trashy?

I mean, do you know how trashy that is?

And then people send us pictures with their TCB sticker on the back.

TCB's okay.

No.

So, a couple of months ago, I'm driving here in the back roads, north of Atlanta. And, you know, I've gotten really a lot better about my road.
I don't call it road rage. I call it road irritation about my road irritation.
That's good to know because there was some, I could roast you about that. Yeah.
Well, and I'll take it because it's true. But I slow down.
I give people some space and some grace and understand that they just might be going through something. However, if I see someone that is purposefully driving like an idiot, like they're on their phone FaceTiming somebody, that's a whole different animal altogether.
Yeah, that's dangerous. So I am driving in the back roads and I'm on my way to Starbucks.
I'm driving the back roads and there is a person in a very nice BMW, like brand new BMW. These are like $80,000, $90,000 cars.
Big old student driver on the back. So I'm already irritated.
I'm already irritated that anybody would give a student driver a $90,000 car. That's a dumb thing to do.
I don't care how much money you have to throw in the trash. I don't care if you're Elon fucking Musk.
You give a clunker to a student driver. Yes, that's the best course of action.
Until they learn how to drive or until they deserve to have a $90,000 car. Giving your 16 year old kid or 17 year old kid or 18 year old kid or any kid a $90,000 car.
Giving your 16-year-old kid or 17-year-old kid or 18-year-old kid or any kid a $90,000 car is a clear indication that your head is screwed on improperly. I'm just sharing that with you right now.
So I'm behind this car, and they are going 22 miles per hour in a 45. And so now, for about a mile, I'm like, right brian let's speed it up here give him 100 feet chill out you know but you know i start to get a little twitchy at like mile number 1.5 because now i'm now there's a line of cars behind me and there's a guy behind me who's brian green number two he's like you know he's swerving to the left swerving to the right right up on my ass and I'm like hey bro don't get at me look at the car in front and I'm not getting any closer because I don't know what's going on there but I start to edge a little closer and as I edge a little closer I can see through the back window that they have one of those suction cups holders on their thing and And I can see that there is a video playing on the phone, a video or a FaceTime call.
And I'm like, you got to be kidding me. You got to be kidding me that this person is watching a video or making a FaceTime call while not paying attention to anything that's going on.
And by the way, she, who I learned later is a she, she is kind of swerving around, like almost hits a mailbox over on the other side of the road, hitting the brake. You know, the people that drive with two feet? My mom drives with two feet and it drives me crazy.
She drives with two feet. She hits the brake and the accelerator at the exact same time and the car doesn't't go anywhere.
It's bad. It's terrible.
My grandfather used to do that. I know.
And my mom claims that's how she learned to drive. And I'm like, no one in their right mind would teach you how to drive like that, mom.
That's crazy. I knew your father.
He was an FBI. Like, this guy did not drive like that.
I'm sure of it. So I get stuck for like four and a half miles.
She's taking every turn I need to take. She's driving every place I need to drive.
And wouldn't you fucking know it, she pulls into the Starbucks. And I cannot, I don't have time to go into the Starbucks.
One of the few times I'm going to run through the drive-thru. So I go behind her in the drive-thru,

and now she's got her window rolled down,

and I can see through her rearview mirror

that she is, in fact, on a FaceTime call or a video call.

I don't know which one it is, but she's on a video call.

It's a huge line at Starbucks for the drive-thru,

and as people are pulling up, she's not pulling up.

It's taking her, like, minutes to realize that people are moving, and so I just give her a little love tap. I was going to say, the honk.
And she goes like this, like waves me off through her window. Wow.
And I was like, oh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
She's at the, oh, no. Now I'm full on road rage.
Now I'm pissed. I'm like, okay, lady.
All right. She gets up to the speaker.
She's taking her dear sweet time. She's asking the person on the phone.
I can hear this all going on. She's asking the person on the phone what they want.
She's ordering 10 different coffees, 30 different ways, whatever. So we get out and she pulls up and she pays.
And this whole thing takes like 15 minutes. It's like like incredibly frustrating I should have gone in because now I'm like late anyway right she pulls to the end of the drive-thru to the stop sign to get out of the parking lot and she stops at the stop sign there's only there's only two people only two cars can fit in that entrance one going in and one going out and she stops and she picks picks up her phone and now she's texting or writing an email on her phone and she's not going.
And so I sit there for a minute and I give her a little love tag and she goes, she waves me off again. And I open the window and I go, you got to go.
I can't fit around you. And she waves me off a third time.

And now there's a guy behind me.

And he's like, meh.

Meh.

This guy's really pissed.

And you know what she does?

She puts on her blinkers.

Like her hazard?

Yes, like her hazard.

And goes swerve around.

Well, there's a guy behind me.

I'm behind her. And now there's a person in the drive-thru.
So none of us can go because she's sitting there. So now I'm like, so now I'm like.
Yeah, I would too. I'm just laying on the horn.
And then I stop and I go, we cannot get around you. Pull into the parking lot.
And she go around me i'm busy so i literally am stuck i cannot go backwards i cannot go forwards now there's a traffic jam so i get out of my car because now i'm like i'm gonna have to explain to this lady and i hope that she doesn't shoot me i'm gonna have to explain to this lady so i go up her and I go, first of all, this is a 45-year-old woman with a $90,000 car. She is most definitely not a student driver.
And I go, ma'am, I can't get around you. He can't get around me.
Now everyone's backed up in the drive-thru waiting for you. And she's like, I'm parked.
I'm writing an email. And I go, there are parking spaces that you can do that.
I'm parked and writing an email. And she goes, I can park right here if I want to.
I go, you're at a stop sign. You have to move so everyone else can get around you.
This is insane. Right? And I'm like, you have to move.
And she's like, I don't have to do anything. Don't you see the sign on the back of the car? I'm learning how to drive.

I was wondering if she was going to reference that.

She says that.

And I go, you should learn harder, ma'am.

It's not working.

You have to move.

Well, now everybody's laying on the horn.

There's like four people that are laying on the horn.

And then as I start to walk away, she goes, fine.

God damn it. I'll move.
No one has patience in this town patience for what the whole world has to stop revolving because you have to write an email or because you put a fucking sticker on your car that says student driver so that you can make facetime calls and write emails while you're driving this completely inconsiderate of everybody else around you i showed you the road, but I'm going to get out of the car and explain to you that this is just not how life works. And I did it as nicely as I could.
I didn't cuss at her. I didn't say anything terrible.
I just said, you need to learn harder because it's not working. You don't know how to drive.
You cannot stop and put your blinkers on and a busy stop sign and an entrance to a Starbucks. That's just a ridiculous notion.
Don't you see the sign on the back of my car? This is what got me charged up and started making me pay attention. And now I see them everywhere.
They are everywhere. And I'm done with it.
Now everybody is that lady. Everybody with a student driver sign is that lady to me.
I'm like, God damn it, fucking motherfucker. I'd almost cured my road rage until the sign started going on the back of the car.
Well, there was a need to rage. This was an appropriate reason to get upset.
Because, you know. A warranted rage.
It's one thing to be a bad driver. There are lots of those out there in the world.
They're bad drivers. And that's where I've learned grace.
I've learned grace that not everybody has the fine motor skills and sharp, keen sense of spatial awareness that I do. Not everybody is evil can evil on the roads, right? No, I understand that.
I got it. Okay.
I didn't understand it. Now I understand it.
Not everybody's going to drive exactly like I am. But when you're just a fucking idiot and you're just being inconsiderate of everybody else around you, then you deserve the honks and the people getting upset at you.
And when you, here's a little piece of advice for anybody out there that's a bad driver or that's an inconsiderate driver. And because I know there's got to be, the numbers are against us here, Chrissy.
There's got to be lots of bad drivers in our audience. Yes.
Here's a piece of advice. If you and you're probably aware that you're a bad driver, too.
It's probably something people have been roasting you about for a long time. If you if you're like driving down a two lane road and it's one of those back roads, 35, 45 miles per hour in your local neighborhood or wherever it is you choose to drive or you live.
And you see that there are more than three cars behind you, like compactly lined up behind you. It's an indication you're going too slow.
Speed up a little bit. At least go the speed limit.
At least go the speed limit. That's's right if you're in the line at the starbucks

pay attention when people are moving up so the people behind you can also get their drinks in a speedy fashion if you're making facetime phone calls while you are moving a two and a half ton vehicle down the road at 50 miles per hour you're a fucking moron don't do that stop it stop it it's the biggest lesson I've learned since I've had children is that it is almost never appropriate

to be typing on a phone, looking at a phone, or using a phone, unless it's hands-free, when you're driving a motor vehicle. Because one mistake, one moment of dumb-dumbness, and other people get hurt, or worse, because— That's very true.
Distracted driving. Distracted driving.
It's terrible. i've even gotten to the point christine i'm so proud of myself about this and we take family road trips and i get tired i no longer take little catnaps while i'm driving i pull over oh true i used to do it you used to catnap well with my eyes open like i would go into that weird space like.
Yes, the hypnosis. Where like you're fighting your eyelids and your brain is totally shut off, but you've got cruise control on and you're just like.
I told you one time I was driving in Charleston. I think my friend saw me fall asleep while I was driving.
And he was like, his mouth open. He's like, dude, your eyes were fully closed for like a minute.
And I was like, whoa, yeah, you need to pull over. But I'm proud of myself because I've taken some more, like I take this a little bit more seriously than I used to now that there are children.
But also, let's not make excuses for bad driving. If you're a bad driver, we can all live with it.
If you're doing your best, we can live with it. Don't put a dumb sticker on the back of your car if you're just an inconsiderate asshole, okay? You should have kicked his ass.
I should have kicked her ass, Chrissy. Should have kicked her ass.
All right, that's my rant about student driving. Oh.
It is true, they're everywhere. They are everywhere.
And I'd like to know if they're everywhere where you're living or if this is just an Atlanta thing. If it's like, I don't know, that measles outbreak in Texas, we've all caught it all of a sudden.
I'd like to know. Let me know if there's an outbreak of student drivers in your town.
All right. We'll be back.
Let me do something Brian has never done. Be brief.
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Stream next day on Max. There is a film at the Sundance Film Festival, I think it is, that I am so excited to see.
It's a film about a man named Thomas Kincaid. You know the painter Thomas Kincaid? Okay.
For those of you that don't know, Thomas Kincaid was the mainstreamest, I don't even know if that's a word, but the most mainstream painter that has ever lived. He has sold more paintings.
He has made more money than God, quite frankly. He has a, he had a huge company that still exists today that would sell originals and recreations of his work.

Yeah, they were mostly like beautiful streams.

Oil paintings.

Yeah.

And like nature stuff.

A lot of nature stuff.

He called himself the Lord of Light or the God of Light or the Painter of Light or something

like that. God of Light? Yeah, I think it was the Lord of Light.
That's a really weird name. He was kind of an unassuming Midwestern man.
I think he was actually born in the South, but he kind of had this Midwestern feel to him. He would wear the short-sleeved white shirt, little pudgy, short-sleeved white shirts with a tie, crop cut mustache.
You know the kind. Like a dad.
like the kind, like a, like a dad and any dad in Chicago, uh, in the mid eighties, that's what he looked like. A little portly, you know, just almost whatever you get it.
Look up Thomas Kincaid. You'll see pictures of him.
He rose to prominence really in the seventies, eighties and nineties because he was painting what I would consider pretty good paintings. I mean, he certainly had a talent.
No doubt about it. And he would play with the light.
Like, you know, yeah. Imagine like a house nestled in the mountains with lush greenery and a stream around it.
And then the sun was setting so he would paint the shadows. And people fell in love with his paintings.
I remember them being big too. You could buy them big, small, any size.
I mean, prints you could buy at any size, but he made them big. Yeah, they were like, you know, four feet by four feet.
He really took the mainstream art fan world by storm. When I mean mainstream, I mean your mom and your dad, your grandma and your grandpa, your aunt aunt your uncle who know the don't know shit about art but they would love to put those paintings in their house and millions and millions and millions of people fiended over these paintings yeah they were available in like michael's and maybe pier one and he had his own stores he had his own stores that the thomas kincaid stores in malls and they would sell his paintings for $15,000, $20,000, $30,000, $40,000 for originals, millions of dollars sometimes for rare original works, and then they would print them endlessly.
You would get them in different sizes and they would be hundreds of dollars or maybe even $50 for a small one. This went on for a long time, and he traveled the world and he he would paint in front of people.
There was no doubt he was actually painting these. He had a relationship with Disney.
He made a lot of paintings around Disney princesses and characters, Harry Potter. He did a lot, and he made relationships with big corporations, and then they made money on the backs of his paintings, and he just endlessly painted all of this stuff and endlessly sold them and made money, unlike most artists who create one.
And then those originals get sold for many millions of dollars over time, right? Usually, the artist is long gone before they even become valuable. Exactly.
Right? And the art world is a The fine art world is a very lucrative, valuable world where billions of dollars are spent every year acquiring these rare pieces of art. Thomas Kinkade is not that.
Even though his paintings went for a lot of money, he was not a rare artist. Yeah, he was very commercial.
Very commercial. The most commercial artist that ever lived.
And he had a very pristine image. His image was that of a man of God, a man of the people, a man who did no right.
God of light. Lord of light.
Lord of light. Hey, girl.
Hey, girl. Lord of light over here.
Yeah. Yeah.
I got a flashlight. I want you to see.
And he would tour around and he would, people would stand in lines and they would go crazy. I mean, this guy became a phenomenon.
And he had this whole image that he presented as a family man, as a man of the word, as really kind of an everyman. And he just happened to have this talent and he sold all these paintings and people would collect them.
And there is now a new documentary about this guy. Years ago, when I first read, saw like an hour special on Thomas Kincaid, I don't know what it was on, A&E.
This was many years ago, actually. When I first saw a special on him, they kind of gave the indication that Thomas may or may not have been all he was cracked up to be.
In other words, there were people who said that Thomas was not this godly character, but there was always rumors of this. And anytime you're that big and famous, there's always going to be someone who's creating a rumor about you.
But I started to think about something about Thomas Kinkade way back then, probably because I was high as shit on bad weed.

When they would do little snippets and they dedicated like three minutes of this hour long special to the people who said, you know, oh, I think Thomas, you know, he's got a sordid past or whatever. Or another side to him.
Another side to him, right? But for some reason, I got it stuck in my head that what if this guy is really just a, like, kind of a performance artist, like an Andy Kaufman type? And he's making it all up. And he's really just a coke fiend on the, you know.
Yeah. He's a weird dude that just is like, the joke's on us.
And it turns out, the joke's on us. Really? And this new documentary shines more light on the jokes on us.
Because apparently he was a coke fiend stripper hound on his days off. And he was, in his younger years, kind of a wild child.
This is what the trailer indicates. So this is why I'm excited to see this movie.
I need to watch that. For a year, because I kind of took this keen interest in this one particular hour-long special that I watched, and I knew someone who was a big Thomas Kinkade collector, bought into the whole thing.
A neighbor that I had in Chicago had a lot of these paintings. Yeah, there was a business that I worked at in college.
It was owned by this wealthy family, and they had all of these Thomas Kinkade huge originals.

Oh, really?

Around the Thawne.

Very interesting.

Okay.

So I lived next door to someone or down the street from someone who essentially had the same thing in their house.

Yeah.

And they adored these things.

They were like precious.

They would show them to us and tell us the story about how they got them or what it means or how this, who this guy is.

And, you know, the word of the Lord and all this other stuff.

So the word of the Lord. Yes.
I hate when people say that, the word of the Lord. Like you heard him say anything.
All right. Okay.
So there had been rumors I read a number of years ago that Thomas Kinkade was actually a really fantastic artist, but he did not always paint all these lovely Lord of the Light type paintings. But sometimes he painted some really disturbing, dark, weird shit, but that it was all locked away in a vault.
But no one ever found the vault to get into the vault or whatever the story was because it's kind of like Al Capone's vault, right? It was like stuffed away somewhere in a secret location that no one ever knew about. So it's like this nebulous thing.
In this documentary, apparently, they open the vault and they get access to this collection of paintings that was very much not what Thomas Kinkade supposedly was all about. And I think this proves once and for all that Thomas Kinkade was maybe the ultimate art troll ever.
More than Banksy, more than Andy Kaufman, Thomas Kinkade. Why? Because yeah, Banksy's made a lot of money and everybody fiends for a Banksy, but you're in on the joke with Banksy, right? He's making this art to blow up or, you know, on the side of a wall of some random Italian town or whatever.
Thomas Kincaid, he took it all the way. He took it all the way.
He made billions of dollars. His company made billions of dollars selling these rather kind of, you know, ho-hum paintings to unassuming people he took it all the way and until the last dying breath of the thomas kincaid phenomenon everyone who loved thomas kincaid believed that thomas kincaid was a certain way of wholesome guy yes when in fact he was getting lap dances and hand shandies by night snortinging coke off strippers' asses while you were staring at his Thomas Kinkade painting, wondering what the word of the Lord is.
Unbelievable. He gotcha.
He gotcha. I know.
I love this story. I love it, too.
I really want to see this movie. I think this might be one of the most underrated stories about a troll or a performance artist ever and i cannot wait to see this movie and there's like one trailer out there in the universe and they have an instagram page with a couple videos but it's just more like splicing the trailer up in different ways there's not a lot of people following this page but i think this is going to be one of those i mean to me at least this is going to be one of those stories that i love to dig into oh yeah because i love the thought that i like my neighbor in chicago but it's been many years since i've seen her i love the thought that she just bought into this whole milk and honestly it was two percent with some cocaine in it yeah exactly i can't wait it's great what kind of pictures was what kind of things was he? They don't show it in the trailer, but they show an iPad with pictures or like photographs of stuff in the vault to people who knew Thomas Kinkade or studied Thomas Kinkade or whatever.
And the expression on those people's faces is like, whoa, like, you know, completely aghast at what they saw. And so apparently this stuff is really dark and like, you know, maybe disturbing in a lot of ways.

Like, I mean, I imagine it's like, you know, S&M type stuff. I don't know.

I don't know what I imagine.

You know, death and destruction or whatever.

I can't wait to see it.

I'm so excited about...

I know you got me excited now.

I know.

We should like...

I mean, it'll be a long time before we'll be able to...

A little viewing party here.

It'll be a long time before we'll be able to...

Now I'm very interested in it too. Oh, God.
I can't wait. I'm just like super, I don't know.
Just that one hour of television so many years back got me so interested in the Thomas Kinkade story. And then, you know, occasionally I'll read something about Thomas Kinkade and I'll be like, oh, yeah.
Something's going to leak out of it. You know, this whole thing came crashing down, by the way, for Thomas Kinkade.
It did? Like Beanie Babies and everything else in the life. You know, it's hot.
It's not something happens. Thomas Kinkade went through a series of scandals, I believe, and that kind of destroyed his reputation.
But this takes it even further. Like, this gets to the root of the matter, which is he really was scamming us all in a way where he was, I think, going to bed at night laughing to himself.
Like, I can't believe I pulled this off. This is amazing.
Like Andy Kaufman, the wrestler. Do you know what I'm saying? Like no one could ever figure out if Andy Kaufman wanted to be a wrestler.
Was he a wrestler? Did he actually wrestle? No one could ever figure out if he was, what was that character that he played? Do you remember? Oh, dang. Yeah, it's right at the tip of my tongue.
Not Leon, but someone like that. Andy Kaufman, and you have to have your head directly up your butthole not to know this, but Andy Kaufman was a performance artist.

Something some one of the best comedians of all time, certainly one of the most shocking comedians of all time. He had a character that Tony Tony something that would come out and Tony was like a lounge singer, but he was a shocking lounge singer.
He would come out with like half-naked women.

He would sing dirty songs.

And so many people believed that that was Andy Kaufman. Tony Clifton.
Tony Clifton, that he would dress up because it was clearly makeup. Like you could see that it was like a prosthesis he was wearing on his face.
So many people thought that's Andy doing the joke. But sometimes Andy and Tony Clifton would be in the same place and people would see him in the same place.
Tony over there, Andy over there. And people were like, wait, I thought you were Tony.
And he's like, I don't know what you're fucking talking about. Yeah.
Tony was like Andy's manager, quote unquote, who was also a lounge singer. It was like this whole routine.
But Andy found ways to continue to fuck people over and mess with their mind. It was like a magic trick of hilarity that he loved.
And I thought it was brilliant. I really did.
I think it's so much fun. And the thought that Thomas did this but got away with it, like everyone's serious.
Andy Kaufman, okay, he's got someone else dressed up as Tony Clifton today. Kinkade no one suspected no one suspected that long before the internet long before you could Google or there were cell phones in everybody's hands taking pictures he was involved with Disney Disney Universal on and on and on and on and on he painted some of the most precious brands for some of the most precious brands in the world.
And they didn't know that he was, in fact, just a sleazy artist who was a good artist. Good artist, no doubt about it.
He certainly had a talent for painting, but I can't wait. I want to wrap it up.
I want to piece it all together. I want to see the end of this story.
I'm living long enough to see the end of the Thomas Kinkade story. We will have a viewing.
That makes me happy. Yeah, we'll have a viewing.
I don't know when, and I don't know if that's legal. But maybe I should reach out to the people who made the movie and say, I'd really like to talk about this movie on air.
Oh, I think 100%. Can I get a viewer? And to which they'll say, who? Who? Well, it's your old friends at TCB.
And for the 33 hours of TCB, we'd like to talk about the Thomas Kinkade documentary. Maybe we'll get a full screening like we did in a theater.
Oh, I did go to... I did do that once.
I know. I was supposed to go, but I couldn't.
But yeah, you said it was interesting. It was interesting.
The theater was interesting. The people in the theater were interesting.
The few of us that there was. The security guard keeping an eye on me was interesting.
It was all very interesting. And the movie itself was not interesting.
That's right. I'm sorry.
Borderlands was not a good movie. and I think everyone, I think it's universally agreed upon,

including some of the people who made the movie.

They just don't like it.

They tried, but it was just too weird and choppy and, you know, whatever.

If you're one of those people who knows about Borderlands and you watched Borderlands,

I'm not saying anything sacrilegious.

You understand.

It was a really bad movie.

But nonetheless, great actors and actresses in it. And our friend Gina Gershon was in it.
That's right. Jack Black, Kevin Hart.
There's a ton of people in it. Pedro Pascal.
Jamie Lee Curtis. Jamie Lee Curtis was in it.
That's right. Based on a game, a video game.
A video game, A very popular video game. Like a very popular video game.

But there are so many problems making a video game into a movie.

This is like notoriously a hard thing to do.

And they didn't get it right on this one either.

All right, you student drivers out there.

Look out.

Brian's coming for you.

I'm giving you no grace, student drivers.

I'm on to you. I see you.
You inconsiderate, selfish pricks. No, I'm kidding.
If you're a student driver and you want to denote that so we all take care around you, then do it. But don't put a student driver.
Why would you put a student driver sticker on the back of your car if you're not a student driver? To me, it makes no sense. I don't understand.
The only thing I can think of is that you're a bad driver and you want people to give you a little bit of room. Okay.
All right. Well, I'm even okay with bad drivers doing it, but actually just stupid people.
That's right. Like this woman that you mentioned.
It's terrible. Yeah.
We're doing the legal thing. That's right.
TCBpodcast.com, 212-433-3TCB.

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For all the episodes the same day they air here.

Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now.

I think so.

I'll tell you that I love you.

I'll say best to you.

Best to you.

And best to you out there in the podcast universe.

Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye. More rewards, more savings.
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