Bryan, Lord Of The Acid

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Speaker 2 On this episode of the Commercial Break.

Speaker 2 So the question is, Trey, are you up for it?

Speaker 2 You've said no once. Want to say no again?

Speaker 2 I'll get Jeff to book it at Mempho.

Speaker 2 If Jeff books me at Mempho

Speaker 2 to do

Speaker 2 Lord of the Acid, I am down 100%.

Speaker 2 Fill my cup up with whatever and just send me out there with a heart monitor.

Speaker 2 Mootsie Collins and

Speaker 2 schools

Speaker 2 from widespread panic.

Speaker 2 The next episode of the Commercial Break. starts now.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, Cats and Kittens. Welcome back to the Commercial Break.
I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris Joy Hoadley.
Best of you, Chris. Best to you.

Speaker 2 Best of you out there in the podcast universe. How the hell are you? Walking into a St.
Patrick's Day weekend

Speaker 2 of festivities and fun where you certainly will puke on your shoes

Speaker 2 and lose your underwear. But that's okay.
We're here to support you at the commercial break. We're here to encourage you to get as intoxicated as possible.

Speaker 2 Find that fine line between having fun and going to jail. This is the weekend to do it.
Cops will be occupied with other idiots. You can go out and be yourself.
It's that kind of weekend.

Speaker 2 There's a big parade going on downtown. Yeah.
Well, you know, in some places, they have actually kiboshed the St. Patrick's Day parade because it's just too unmanageable.
Debauchery? Yes.

Speaker 2 What is wrong with you people?

Speaker 2 You're not supposed to besmirch the good name of the Irish people. We are not all a bunch of drunks.
Just most of us. Leave it alone.
And if you came from Ireland, you'd drink too.

Speaker 2 That's all I got to say. Ireland's a beautiful place, but it's up there.
It's up there, and it's an island. You're on an island.
You get island fever. You got to do something.

Speaker 2 The Irish. I'm proud to be of Irish descent.
I know you are. I'm proud to be of Irish descent.
Thank you very much. Good job.
We're not the best-looking people. We're not the smartest-looking people.

Speaker 2 We're not even...

Speaker 2 No one ever claimed that the Irish were super intelligent human beings, but we figured out how to make things work when there were no potatoes. And we went to making whiskey in Guinness.

Speaker 2 And I think we should be proud of ourselves for that. It's nutritional.
You could live off Guinness. You could.
You'd have a bad headache, but you could. I've tried.
Well, Bud Light, not Guinness.

Speaker 2 I never had the stomach for Guinness. Actually, I used to love a good Guinness.
I know. I like a good one or two.
Yeah, you can't go. Because a Guinness drunk is a different kind of drunk.

Speaker 2 And I think that's part of the reason why Guinness is kind of attractive to some people is because they can drink it, but you got to sip it.

Speaker 2 It's got to be something you do over the course of a couple,

Speaker 2 at least 10 minutes. You got to give it, I could drink a Bud Light in five, but you got to give a good Guinness 10 minutes because it's a heavy drink.
That's true. It's making it big.

Speaker 2 It's very popular right now amongst the kids. It's always been popular.
It's always been popular. But you're right.
It's been contained in its popularity. It has its moments and then it goes away.

Speaker 2 I think in the early aughts, the 2000s, when I was out there hitting the bar scene, it was very popular to have a Guinness. But could you pour a Guinness correctly? Was the question.

Speaker 2 That's always the question.

Speaker 2 We had, when I was a bartender, we would have our Guinness reps would come in once a year and they teach you how to pour a Guinness.

Speaker 2 But even then, it's a little bit misleading because here in the United States, you refrigerate the Guinness. In a lot of pubs in Ireland, the Guinness is not refrigerated.
It's not.

Speaker 2 It's a warm Guinness. It's a room-temperature Guinness.
And that's a different kind of experience. The kind where you're sure you're going to throw up at some point.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 I do. I do.

Speaker 2 And I just, it's just that the way that that liquid falls into the glass and the creamy foam on top. It's a whole ritual.
It is a ritual. It is a ritual.

Speaker 2 And I've had a Guinness in Ireland, and it was quite the experience. I do have to say.
Was it the warm temperature? Room temperature?

Speaker 2 I think it was room temperature, but because it was so cold outside, it had a little, like a little crispness to it. It wasn't completely flat.
I mean, like completely room temperature.

Speaker 2 I think just the lines were cold, and that's why it made it a little bit cold. But happy St.
Patrick's Day to you, however you decide to do it.

Speaker 2 And I thought this was a good time to review some of our St. Patrick's Day knowledge.

Speaker 2 Yes, I would love to. We all have our.

Speaker 2 So, what is St. Patrick's Day? Let's start there.

Speaker 2 It is celebrating St. Patrick.

Speaker 2 Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 2 Are you Irish? The saint named Patrick.

Speaker 2 The saint named Patrick.

Speaker 2 I am not Irish.

Speaker 2 But I will tell you this: that St. Patrick's Day is not even

Speaker 2 Irish. It's not an Irish holiday.
No, it's not. St.
Patrick was actually British and not Irish. So you are celebrating.

Speaker 2 So St. Patrick's Day, you're celebrating essentially your rival, right? Yeah.
But it's all part of the UK, though, right? Yeah, it was all kind of part of the United Kingdom.

Speaker 2 Parts of Ireland are still part of the United Kingdom. And we all know that from our history lesson from Des Bishop.
Hi, Des. Happy St.
Patrick's Day. Yes.

Speaker 2 Des Bishop Bishop is our, by the way, our most streamed episode on Spotify. Really? Isn't that amazeball? This is interesting.
Can't figure out why, but I'm not our one. You love Des.
People love Des.

Speaker 2 We love Des. We do love Dez.
And this last episode was very politically charged. We talk about American politics and Irish politics.
He's our Irish correspondent. He is our Irish correspondent.

Speaker 2 Anyway, happy St. Patrick's Day, Des.
This is a.

Speaker 2 It is the holiday of St. Patrick.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But for years. What did he do? Up until about he drove, supposedly drove the snakes out of Ireland.
Oh, that's right. But of course, Ireland is an island where there are no snakes.

Speaker 2 Snakes don't live in Ireland. No snakes in Ireland.
No snakes are native to Ireland. That's a fun fact for me.
That is a fun fact. So a lot of people believe that what he,

Speaker 2 the,

Speaker 2 I guess this is just a way of saying he drove the religious zealots, the Protestants, out of Ireland. But in fact, he did not.
There were lots of people who were Protestants to live in Ireland.

Speaker 2 But some people believe that that's why they say that he drove the snakes out of Ireland. Snakes being Protestants.
Snakes being Protestants. That's right.
And I don't believe that.

Speaker 2 I'm just telling you

Speaker 2 what some people believe. The reason why we say he drove the snakes out of Ireland is just another word that's being used for Protestants.
Again, that's not my belief. I'm just sharing that with you.

Speaker 2 I want to make sure that we don't get any Protestants up our ass right now. Because, you know, I like the Protestants.
They're good.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So it's probably just an allegory for either driving the snakes out or converting pagans or whatever, whatever it was.
Anyway,

Speaker 2 a fun fact about St. Patrick, he was kidnapped by pirates as a teenager.

Speaker 2 Why has this not been made into a movie? I don't know, but this sounds like perfect fodder for a television show or a movie. St.
Patrick,

Speaker 2 you know, Pirates of the Caribbean, St. Patrick.

Speaker 2 Yeah, at least a limited series. Yeah, why don't we get Johnny Depp on that? I know.
Yeah. What other Irish people could we get to play?

Speaker 2 Who's there? Some famous Irish actors and actresses.

Speaker 2 No, I'm saying who all? Oh.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to look and see in my notes if I put any names. Liam Neesom.

Speaker 2 Tom Cruise is Irish, in case you were wondering. Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's Irish. So

Speaker 2 Colin Farrell is Irish. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Colin Farrell would be good at anything.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he would. We can get him on the Pirates.
Yes, that's what I've, but he's not a teenager anymore. But, you know, we can find a teen.

Speaker 2 What is that?

Speaker 2 Timothy Chalalame? I know he's not Irish, but couldn't we get him convinced? He's doing anything. Guy has hair red.
That's right. He could be a three-year-old or a 30-year-old.

Speaker 2 It just depends on whether or not he has a mustache. Speaking of Timothy Shala Lamar.
That's true.

Speaker 2 We were having a debate with our friend Rachel last night about a guy, a musician that played at the Grammys. I can't can't remember his name, Dungarey or Dungess or whatever his name is.

Speaker 2 The guy that came out in the 70s bell bottoms as tight as they could be to sing that. I'll get the name up.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Let me do my homework as a noted national podcaster here. Give me one second.

Speaker 2 He is, what was his name? Benson Boone. Oh, Benson Boone.
Benson Boone. Beautiful things is what he sang with Grammy Boon.
That's very popular. So Benson Boone,

Speaker 2 he's going the route of Timothy Shalalame by wearing these outrageous outfits and having this weird stash. I got to say, the young kids with the just the mustache, not my favorite thing in the world.

Speaker 2 It's a thing though. It's a thing, but it makes them look like young kids with mustaches.
Mustaches are for old men in the 70s, not in their 70s back in the 70s or 80s.

Speaker 2 Or if you live in Chicago or Green Bay, Wisconsin, or something like that, where you got to protect your upper lip from the cold weather, then I can understand. It's allowed.
Yeah, it's allowed.

Speaker 2 But Timothy Shalalame, one of the best-looking human beings on earth, one of the most famous human beings on earth, that stash ain't doing him any good. It makes him look like Pedro from

Speaker 2 the Foley and Dynamite.

Speaker 2 It does. I'm sorry.
I didn't even think about that.

Speaker 2 I love Timothy. I think he's a great actor.

Speaker 2 That stash, that's cheese tastic, man. You got to let that shit go.
Well, I know we were discussing it. I was discussing it with with a friend of mine, and her son has one, and she's like, I hate it.

Speaker 2 Oh, God, it's just

Speaker 2 like, you got to go with it. It's the trend.
Well, listen, you don't have to go. Buck the trend, kids.
Buck the trend. Go full goatee.
Go Abe Lincoln. Go Flavor Saver.
Do something. Be Eddie Vetter.

Speaker 2 Have a little weird flavor saver on you. Beards are still in.
Beards are always being, I think. I think that if you, as long as it's managed correctly, you know, and this is like,

Speaker 2 Irish, I think people think of Irish people and there's, you know, stereotypes just like everything else in the world. They think of guys, guys or girls with red hair, freckles, blue eyes.

Speaker 2 But that is a genetic trait. That is not an Irish trait.
So of course there may be a gene pool that's more susceptible to red hair as an Irish person.

Speaker 2 And I don't know what all the genetic, you know, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I'm not a geneticist, but you go over to Ireland and of course you see people with red hair and freckles or light skin and freckles and stuff like that.

Speaker 2 That is part of the gene pool of Ireland, but that's not the majority of people, right? The majority of people are like every, a good representation of everybody else in the world.

Speaker 2 And the one thing that I noticed when I went to Dublin, which was years ago, is that most of the men there are clean shaven.

Speaker 2 Like there's not a ton of facial hair running, at least when I was there, running around Dublin. Now, that could be a trend.
That could be the, I don't know why. Who knows? Who fucking knows?

Speaker 2 But some of these guys here in the United States, they are outlandish with these beards. It's like a political statement.
Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like they're wearing the beard to let you know how they feel about the rest of the world. And it feels a little strange to me.

Speaker 2 And I am not a huge fan of unkempt beards, like the wild beards that some of these dudes wear. Grizzly Adams type.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Manage that shit. Dollar Shave Club, kid.
I mean, that's

Speaker 2 cheese testicle. And if you're going to do the beard, just give it some management.
That's all I got. There's all those kinds of tools and oils and things now.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. The whole market.

Speaker 2 I know our friend Rachel loves a guy with a beard. She loves a guy with like an unkempt, unmanaged beard.

Speaker 2 But anytime I look at one of those guys, like I was at Starbucks the other day and it was a dude that walked in and he had a, I mean, he was, he had it, right? Beard in it. Yes.

Speaker 2 But I could, I saw what he had for dinner last night because it was still stuck in his fucking beard. Yeah, now you got to keep it clean.
No, there was like pieces of stuff in his beard.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you got to keep it clean. And I think the longer and the bigger and the more unkempt that it gets, the

Speaker 2 yeah, the harder it is. Listen, there is something that drives me crazy about my cream and cereal habit.
And I'll share this with you.

Speaker 2 Even though my beard is really more like a five o'clock shadow, it always has been. I never have grown it out very much.

Speaker 2 I keep it high and tight. Whenever I drink milk and a little bit gets on the hair of my beard,

Speaker 2 After two or three minutes, I start to smell the milk coming. Even if I wipe it, even if I clean it.
Really? I can smell it. It like sticks in my nose hairs, and it drives me fucking crazy.

Speaker 2 I don't understand how, with a big unkempt beard, that you can do anything dairy-related without having a big problem. I know.
So, I don't know what this has to do with St.

Speaker 2 Patrick, but I'm just telling you right now,

Speaker 2 manage that beard, manage that beard. So, what did he do besides drive the snakes out? That's what he did.
He was a saint. Oh, yeah, he converted the pagans and the Protestants.

Speaker 2 And they made him a saint. Then they made him a saint.
Yeah, he created, it was a miracle.

Speaker 2 I think part of why it's an allegory also is because if you follow the Catholic Church, then you know that they are in love with ridiculous rules and regulations,

Speaker 2 traditions, and all this other stuff. They are an old, a bunch of old kodges that are just holding on to these silly traditions

Speaker 2 that may

Speaker 2 feel

Speaker 2 important, but probably aren't. One of the ways that you become a saint, you have to, you have to have,

Speaker 2 you need to create a miracle. And a miracle can only be defined by the church itself.
And what is a miracle? A miracle is an otherworldly, godlike thing that happens. You know,

Speaker 2 I don't know, one loaf into 30 loaves or 10 fishes into 100 fishes or whatever it is. Water into wine.
Water into wine. That's right, Chrissy.
That's my favorite one. That is my favorite one, too.

Speaker 2 Water into wine.

Speaker 2 So you have to create this miracle, but that can only be defined by the church itself. And so I guess there's a lot of flexibility as to what it is.

Speaker 2 But even like, you know, converting people to Catholicism is not necessarily a miracle in and of itself. Lots of people have done that.

Speaker 2 So I think they had to create this story of driving the snakes out of Ireland. Because when you drive the snakes out of Ireland, how convenient is it that there are no snakes native to Ireland?

Speaker 2 Do you know what I'm saying? So the miracle has been performed forever and ever. No more snakes in Ireland.
There are no more. Yeah, but true.
Yes.

Speaker 2 No, there's no native snakes to Ireland.

Speaker 2 I don't think there's cold weather snakes because they're, you know, cold-blooded. Yeah, that's true.
So they just freeze and die, right? I think. I think that's how that works.

Speaker 2 I don't know. You know, here's a funny thing that's happening with my kids.
Speaking of cold, cold-blooded.

Speaker 2 One of my kids is super interested in everything. Like you tell her something and she wants to know how it works.
She asks

Speaker 2 why she can see her ribs

Speaker 2 or what she's seeing when she's pointing to her ribs in the mirror. And I'm like, like, oh, those are your ribs.
Those are your bones. They protect your lungs and your heart.

Speaker 2 And, you know, that's blah, blah, blah. And this is how it works.

Speaker 2 Show me a video. Show me a video of how it works.
Right. And I'm like, oh, okay.
So I go on YouTube and I find a kid-friendly, you know, explain it for idiots, explain it for children kind of video.

Speaker 2 And I am learning more from watching those videos than I ever did in school. Like simple, basic scientific stuff.
I'm like, that's how it works. Yes.
Your heart.

Speaker 2 Your heart is a muscle? What? Say, what?

Speaker 2 That's crazy. What do those bones do? That's amazing balls.
You have a bone there? Wow. I'm just as excited as she is about figuring all this stuff out.
That's cute.

Speaker 2 Again, we're Irish, so we got, we're having an uphill climb here, but we're working on it. We're not so good.
We're not so good at some stuff.

Speaker 2 So, you know, St. Patrick's Day drove the snakes out, kidnapped as a teenager.
Now we all, and by the way, a dry, traditionally religious holiday until about the 1960s or 70s. Oh, it was a dry?

Speaker 2 It was a dry holiday. Okay.
Yeah, because it's a religious holiday. So if it's a dry holiday, yeah, I mean, if you think of Easter, you don't think about everyone going out and getting smashed.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's rising. Crazy bunnies.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 Drop the eggs.

Speaker 2 Drop the eggs.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait, hold on.

Speaker 2 Yes. Go, Easter, go, Easter, go.
Go, Easter, go, Easter, go. We could start it.
We could start it. Hey, listen,

Speaker 2 I don't put anything past us at this point.

Speaker 2 We're selling Teslas on the front line of the White House. Why not make Easter a drinking holiday? Why not? I mean, Christmas isn't a drinking holiday either, but plenty of people get smashed.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So it was a dry holiday until it was just kind of taken over. It was like a marketing thing, like with the green beer.
Of course. Yeah.
And there you go.

Speaker 2 And there's another holiday tradition that, of course, we all know about or have heard about, which is a lot of towns will dye their rivers. Yes.
I think.

Speaker 2 Well, Savannah did it for a long time. Savannah did it for a long time.
They stopped it. They stopped it because it got...
The party got out of control. Yeah, well, they still have a big...

Speaker 2 I was down there for St. Patrick's Day one year, not specifically for St.
Patrick's Day. It's just my vacation backed up into it.
Oh, okay. So we were leaving the day after St.

Speaker 2 Patrick's Day, but they have these beautiful squares in Savannah and these beautiful fountains in each of the square. And it was a dyeing of the fountains.
Oh, really?

Speaker 2 And you could go around and the kids were out. It was like a, you know, school day and the kids were out there and everybody was dying the fountains.
Yes, that's right.

Speaker 2 Before 3 p.m., everything's fine. But after 4:30, lock your door.
It was like spring break. Yeah.
It was nuts. Oh, I've been.
I can tell you the story about that. I mean, I've been to St.

Speaker 2 Patrick's Day and it scared me. It's in Savannah.
In Savannah. Yeah.
It scared me. I was legitimately nervous about what was going on.
They were going nuts. They do.
They lose all sense of decorum.

Speaker 2 They lose their fucking minds, is what happens. And it's because, and I was one of that, like I was one of the people that was contributing to the fucking bullshit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was in the mix, but at some point, I just got a little nervous about how many people were out of control. Like, everybody seemed to be out of their gourds with no one checking them.

Speaker 2 Do you know what I'm saying? Except for a few bouncers and a couple police officers who really had their hands full. They were arresting people.

Speaker 2 Every time I saw a police officer, they had someone in handcuffs taking them away.

Speaker 2 And I think that's also why a lot of towns, a lot of people, a lot of places, they are really not interested in spring break or St. Patrick's Day any longer.

Speaker 2 They're just not interested in it because it brings nothing but trouble. Yeah.
Because destruction.

Speaker 2 No matter how hard you try to talk sense into people and say, listen, come to Miami, have a good time. Enjoy yourself.
There's a line. Don't cross it.
Just be cool. That's it.

Speaker 2 There's all, if there's 10 people in a room, two of them have no fucking common sense the second the liquor hits their breath. It just does, they just don't.
And we all know people like this.

Speaker 2 I was one of these idiots, right? I mean, I think I knew what a line was most of the time, but you know, there was an occasion where you just kind of get a little, you wild out a little bit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, exactly. Amongst other friends that are doing it too.
Woo. Yes.

Speaker 2 You think, you know, running in the fountain and taking your shorts off is funny, but everybody else is like, what is what happened to Brian? Like, everyone else is talking.

Speaker 2 Like, what's he should probably cut. Ah, probably no more cocaine for Brian.
Let's pretend like we don't have any more left. And we'll do it secretly.
Bro. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You got any more, man? Got any more? Oh, dude. Funny thing.
It fell in the toilet. But we'll be right back.
Six of us are going to go to the bathroom. You stay here.

Speaker 2 You stay in the fountain. We'll be over here.
We'll be right Yeah, but I mean, Miami, Panama City, Daytona Beach, all of these places, they have absolutely said, do not come. We are not interested.

Speaker 2 Miami had television campaigns that they would run in other cities

Speaker 2 being like, spring break, not here. No.
Don't do it here. We're not interested.
We're closing the bars down at 11 o'clock. There is a curfew at midnight.

Speaker 2 You're not able to be on the streets wild and out. It's not going to happen.
So don't come. And that is a ballsy move on behalf of a town that really makes most of its revenue from parties.

Speaker 2 From parties, that's it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, you can have that fucking whatever it is, ultra music fest there every year, but there seems to be less trouble with the ultra music fest than there is with spring break, and that's it.

Speaker 2 Spring break's always been just kind of a wild and crazy time. I know.
All the good parties get killed by the old people. That's what happens.
And if it came to my front door, I'd kill it too.

Speaker 2 If that was like outside of my house, I'd probably be like, Yeah, did you go on spring break a lot? No, I told you. I only went on spring.

Speaker 2 I mean, as as a actual, at the age where I was supposed to be spring breaking, no. When I got a little bit older, I went down to Miami a couple of times.
Okay. Daytona Beach once, Panama City.

Speaker 2 And that was like in my mid-twenties. But in the years when I would, like spring break years, I only went one time to Panama City.
And we ended up getting a hotel

Speaker 2 15 miles from the beach. That's right.
And we got kicked out of that party. We got invited to a party that quickly got kicked out.
It was a whole shit show.

Speaker 2 And we ended up doing whippets in a fucking Howard Johnson 20 minutes from anything.

Speaker 2 It was so weird. It was the weirdest spring.

Speaker 2 But I was weird. Like, you know, I was a weird kid.
That's just the way it was. All right.
So we'll talk a little bit more about St.

Speaker 2 Patrick's Day in Savannah, some more traditions, and we'll play a game all coming up on this episode, St. Patrick's Day episode of the commercial break.
How do you feel about that, Chrissy? I love it.

Speaker 2 All right, good. I'm just killing time on it.
I'm trying to find the gold. Oh, yeah.
Chrissy brought a lump of shit.

Speaker 2 Brian thinks it looks like a lump of shit. That looks.

Speaker 2 It really, it looks, it's a rock that has been painted gold, and it looks like the, the, um, the sketch from the famous video. From the leprechaun video.
We all know it. It comes around once a year.

Speaker 2 Like St. Patrick's Day, that video comes around once a year where all the people are looking at the guy in the tree and thinking he's a leprechaun.

Speaker 2 It is pretty funny. It is pretty funny.
Did we find out that was a sketch?

Speaker 2 I think we found out that was a sketch. No, I think it was real.
You think people actually thought there was a leprechaun as a tree? Well, they were looking.

Speaker 2 Somebody saw a leprechaun, and then everybody kind of got whipped up about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But that first guy,

Speaker 2 they thought he was a crackhead. I think he had plenty of leprechauns in his life.

Speaker 2 Little green men that brought him crack.

Speaker 2 All right, let's take a break. We'll be back.

Speaker 3 Hey, Podcast Universe. It's Astrid.
While Brian and Cracy are here messing around in the studio, I am here doing the important work behind the scenes.

Speaker 3 So who better to tell you where to go than your favorite Venezuelan producer? That's me. First, go to tcbpodcast.com and check out the website I helped design.

Speaker 3 Then, hit the contact us button and send us your address to get your free TCB sticker that I also designed. You can text us at 212-433-3 TCB and it's likely I'll be the one to respond.

Speaker 3 And one last favor, follow us on Instagram at thecommercial break. It takes me a lot of time to create all those posts.

Speaker 3 You can watch the show at youtube.com slash thecommercial break and see how I made Brian and Chrissy look good in that studio. See, Brian, you're not the only one I boss around.

Speaker 3 And now, let's hear from our sponsors while I go back to work.

Speaker 1 This episode is sponsored by our longtime sponsor, Squarespace. I am working on a new project, Information TBD.
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Speaker 2 This is Free Range with Von Miller, the podcast where I step outside the lines and I take you with me.

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Speaker 2 This is game meets culture, locker room meets living room, and no topic is off limits.

Speaker 2 So if you're into good conversations that ruffle a few feathers, join me every Wednesday and follow Free Range with Von Miller everywhere you get your podcast.

Speaker 1 This episode is sponsored in part by Rula. You know, there was a time when I really needed therapy, but I could not find a therapist who took my insurance.

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Speaker 2 All right, and we're back here in a St. Pat pre-St.
Patrick's Day episode. God bless you all, my children.
We just figured out that St. Patrick was never a saint, actually.

Speaker 2 He was never canonized by the church. Yes, he was not canonized by the church.
Well, he'll always be a saint.

Speaker 2 He will. Yeah, I give a shit.
Yeah. I don't give a shit.
He's known for holding a shamrock. Oh, well.
Carrying a cross and repelling serpents.

Speaker 2 Where there were no serpents. So God bless you, St.
Patrick, wherever you may be.

Speaker 2 I think being kidnapped as a teenager probably

Speaker 2 made him hallucinate. There's another thing that's distinctly...
Do you remember Lord of the Dance? Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.

Speaker 2 Let's see if I can get it to work. Oh, oh, man down.

Speaker 2 Man down.

Speaker 2 Let's see if I can get it to work. Oh, there you go.
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. They'll actually be dancing around, kicking my heels up.
Irish dancing like you've never seen it before.

Speaker 2 55 red-headed women never moving their arms.

Speaker 2 I feel like those were on TV, the commercials. Oh, forever!

Speaker 2 PBS played that thing non-stop. That was like it took the world by storm.
Oh, it did. And did Riverdance, was that like the competitor? Riverdance was created by Michael Flatley.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Lord of the dance was Michael Flatley's own break. He's the breakout star.
He was.

Speaker 2 And that foot movement, I got to be honest with you, that's pretty amazing. It is.
There's like a

Speaker 2 crazy. There's a guy from Kentucky.
He's like a redneck dude, right? He's like a backwoods country dude. Yeah.
But he has perfected like this country version of it, this bluegrass version of it.

Speaker 2 And I'm telling you what, thank you for just shutting off like that.

Speaker 2 Piece of equipment is a piece of equipment.

Speaker 2 I think it's your piece of shit sitting next to it. You made it not work.
There's some kind of magnetic something coming from it.

Speaker 2 The

Speaker 2 electromagnetic waves coming from your gold piece of shit.

Speaker 2 Your poo-poo. I know.
You told me it looked like a turd. And I said, I haven't seen a turd in a while.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, unfortunately, I live in turd.

Speaker 2 It's just a turd factory around here.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, I think Michael Flatley was like the breakout star of

Speaker 2 the River Dance. Yeah, he was like the director of the River Dance or whatever the fuck.
But he is still around. He is still that River Dance is still doing tours.

Speaker 2 Just an update on Michael Flatley and I would love to learn to do that dance. I'd love to too.

Speaker 2 But my feet barely move in general. You see me at a fish show and my feet are frozen to the ground.
My butt might move. You're in your body.
Yeah. my butt wiggles

Speaker 2 and my hands make small waves

Speaker 2 as the LSD courses through my veins.

Speaker 2 There we go.

Speaker 2 They wear tap shoes. Live Nation presents Trey Anastasio and Michael Flatley

Speaker 2 in Lord of Acid.

Speaker 2 Special dancing guest star Brian Green.

Speaker 2 They put me in boots that are like tied to the floor, and I'm like,

Speaker 2 Michael's moving his feet, and Brian's moving his arms.

Speaker 2 Together, they are lords of acid

Speaker 2 bagpipes and 15-minute jazz solos

Speaker 2 noodling on the bagpipe

Speaker 2 free-form jazz exploration by bagpiper Brian Green

Speaker 2 You've heard of River Dance.

Speaker 2 Now experience ayahuasca dance with Brian Green, Trey Anastasio, and Michael Flatley. One night only.

Speaker 2 That's all the doctors will allow.

Speaker 2 You've seen the rest, now see the best. You've seen the rest.
Now see the chest of Brian wired to a heart monitor.

Speaker 2 Will he or won't he survive the night?

Speaker 2 It's a life or death electrifying experience for the same people who bought you fake Saint Patrick.

Speaker 2 Watch Brian drive the imaginary snakes out of the stadium.

Speaker 2 I would pay to see that show. It's fun for the whole family.

Speaker 2 I can see it now. I can.
With your heart monitor. I know.
With my heart monitor. Yeah.
What in the on the screen, like a live heart monitor?

Speaker 2 It's showing you what's going on with my heart.

Speaker 2 It's like a line. Watch Brian's heart explode.

Speaker 2 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2 So the question is, Trey, are you up for it?

Speaker 2 You've said no once.

Speaker 2 Say no again?

Speaker 2 I'll get Jeff to book it at Mempho.

Speaker 2 If Jeff books me at Mempho

Speaker 2 to do

Speaker 2 Lord of the Acid, I am down 100%.

Speaker 2 Fill my cup up with whatever and just send me out there with a heart monitor.

Speaker 2 Mootsie Collins and

Speaker 2 schools

Speaker 2 from widespread panic

Speaker 2 Maybe you could do a fleet you've heard of tool in the sand watch this tool in the sand that Dominican Republic

Speaker 2 That should have been called tools in the sand

Speaker 2 oh lord yeah I mean listen uh

Speaker 2 for a very long time, that Lord of the Dance was all the rage. I mean, it really was.

Speaker 2 I don't care who you were. You had to be under a rock.
Not this rock, because that's just a piece of gung that's colored gold. But you had to be under a rock not to have heard of Lord of the Dance.

Speaker 2 It was a river dance. It was insane.
It was insane. And that type of dancing is nuts.
The way they're fliggity-flogging their legs around and bouncing up and down, but their arms never move.

Speaker 2 And that's the crazy part to me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they just fold their arms like that. That's the Irish way of dancing.
It's the Irish sports bra.

Speaker 2 They call that the Irish sports bra.

Speaker 2 You just hold your boobs. I hope they don't show too much.

Speaker 2 The Irish sports bra. Yeah, because, you know, that's another, you know.

Speaker 2 A genetic trait, I guess, of the Irish

Speaker 2 and the

Speaker 2 English is that the boobs are big over there. Okay.
I mean, I noticed. I don't know if anybody else noticed, but I noticed.

Speaker 2 But yeah, a lot of those girls that were doing that river dance, I mean, they were, you know, in doubt. And so you could, I think that was part of the keeping modest thing.
That makes sense.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was very modest. It's very family friendly.
There was no shenanigans going on there. But I don't think Michael Flatley was into it anyway.
I think Michael Flatley was light on his feet.

Speaker 2 Right. I don't know that for real, but I think he was.

Speaker 2 And now he's got his own. He's still around.
He's still around. He's got his whiskey.
He's still kicking. Yep.
He's still kicking.

Speaker 2 Pun intended.

Speaker 2 He's got his flattery whiskey,

Speaker 2 Irish whiskey that you can buy. He's also got merch for sale.
Lord of the. I mean, you know, you got to be a really die-hard Michael Flatly fan to be wearing the shirt around.

Speaker 2 But okay, whatever you're into, I guess.

Speaker 2 Yes, you do. You really have to be a fan.

Speaker 2 I feel like if you're wearing Michael Flatley merch around. Where it have like tour dates on the back.
Yeah, where it has tour dates or, you know,

Speaker 2 iHeart Flattery.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 Flatley, I think if you're that, you're in your 70s and visiting Walmart often, you know. And drinking the whiskey.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if I'm getting the Michael Flatley shirt for Christmas, it's the kind of thing I'm wearing when I'm changing the oil in the car. And I never change my oil in my car.
Just letting you know that.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 I was just as amazed as the next person about the dancing because when I first saw it, I was like, that is a crazy form of dancing. Yeah, it was really quite remarkable.

Speaker 2 And I guess that is a traditional Irish jig, right? I guess when you think about an Irish jig, that's what it is.

Speaker 2 Here it is. Here's the girls dancing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's what I remember. Oh, there was one guy in the crowd who was really excited.
Yeah. And it's so fast.
So fast. Their feet are moving so fast.
You better have special shoes for that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't think I'm in love with the guys' outfits, though.

Speaker 2 I'm not in love with nylon

Speaker 2 pants. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But there's a cumber bun.

Speaker 2 You know, there's a cumber bun involved. Yeah.
It's like

Speaker 2 Renfest takes it even a step further.

Speaker 2 Ren Fest is a whole different animal.

Speaker 2 Ren Fest.

Speaker 2 You know, and listen,

Speaker 2 Wren Fest also, and certain Wren Fests, I've been to a few, and they certainly celebrate the Irish culture there too, I guess, because of the Renaissance.

Speaker 2 I guess the Renaissance had something to do with Ireland. I'm not sure.
But it seems to be kind of amalgamated into it there.

Speaker 2 And, you know, I'd be up for doing a little river dance, but I'm not buying that. Cumberbun is out for me.
If you ask me to wear a cumber bun, I'm out.

Speaker 2 I think because of band where we like the uniform was with a cumber bun and a bow tie. I was out.
And it wasn't like a black cumber bum. It was like a bright blue cumber bun and a bright blue tie.

Speaker 2 And so as if we couldn't be nerdy enough, as if it was hard enough to find a prom date,

Speaker 2 and then had to wear the cumber bun.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 But so some St. Patrick's Day traditions around the world do include dyeing the rivers green and the fountains green, stuff like that.
I believe Chicago still does it. I think they send send about 70

Speaker 2 pounds of food coloring. That's the biggest, right? That's the biggest one.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And when I grew up in Chicago, that was a big deal.

Speaker 2 It would be a whole day affair, live coverage on the news. They would dye it green down at one of the canal locks, and then they would release that food coloring.

Speaker 2 And for about a day, it would be some form of green, right?

Speaker 2 And so I saw this funny joke, and I can't remember where it was.

Speaker 2 And so it's not my joke. I don't want to take credit for it.
but it's like if they can dye the Chicago River green for a day, why can't they dye it blue for the rest of the year?

Speaker 2 Because that water is murky. Is it? Oh, yeah, it's murky.
But it's a big deal to go down there. Gotta be.
St. Patrick's Day Parade.

Speaker 2 Everyone goes and looks at the river and it's a whole fun thing to do.

Speaker 2 Chicago is one of the places where the Irish people emigrated because when they got to New York, I mean,

Speaker 2 if you've ever watched the gangs of New York, that is an interesting snapshot of a period of time in the United States of America when New York was very much separated out into

Speaker 2 cultures. And one of them was Irish.

Speaker 2 But the Irish, and my grandfather used to tell me these stories because I think he was old enough that his grandparents would tell him the stories, the people who actually came over from Ireland over here, that they would tell the stories that you would get to a place like New York or one of these major cities, and they would often have signs in the window that said Irish need not apply.

Speaker 2 And that was kind of a rallying cry for the Irish people because a lot of people thought of the Irish people as much less than, right?

Speaker 2 And so they were very much discriminated against when they would come over in certain places around the country.

Speaker 2 And I think Chicago was one of those places where they kind of had a little bit of a foothold. They were, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so there's a lot of, you know, the Irish traditions and culture is strong up there in Chicago, and it was, as is the Italian and the Polish and a lot of other cultures that found solace in Chicago, I think.

Speaker 2 But, you know, it wasn't always easy for the Irish people. And I'm not saying it was harder than these, this or that.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying that the Irish people also had some tough times when they emigrated over to this country. It wasn't the melting pot we'd like to think it was.

Speaker 2 It never has been, but it wasn't the melting pot that we'd like to think it was.

Speaker 2 And my grandfather used to tell me stories about how his relatives, his grandfather, his father, they were discriminated against because of whatever.

Speaker 2 As a matter of fact, John F. Kennedy, as an Irish Catholic,

Speaker 2 the Irish were so disliked even in the 60s, the Irish and the Catholic, that

Speaker 2 he was given 0%

Speaker 2 chance. of winning the presidency

Speaker 2 because having an Irish Catholic president was a big deal.

Speaker 2 Like, people just didn't think of the Irish Catholic people as people who should be leading the country, even though in the background they were pulling a lot of the strings.

Speaker 2 Like, his father was pulling a lot of the political strings. It was a big deal.
First Irish Catholic president.

Speaker 2 And, you know, that was a big milestone, I think,

Speaker 2 for a lot of people who were of Irish descent or people straight from Ireland.

Speaker 2 Okay, so let's talk a little bit about leprechauns. I wrote a whole bunch of notes down here about stuff that we can talk about.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so, but leprechauns, are they Irish?

Speaker 2 Kind of is the answer, right? There was

Speaker 2 Irish folklore created them, but they were originally mean red-wearing shoemakers, not the cute like lucky charms like mascot we think of today.

Speaker 2 Dyeing the Chicago River green is not actually an Irish tradition,

Speaker 2 but Chicago plumbers dyed the put dyed to track pollution. Really? Yes.
And that was originally how the river got dyed green.

Speaker 2 But then it kind of went in the 70s when everybody started, and this kind of became a partying. That's right.

Speaker 2 Four-leaf clovers, if you believe in a shamrock symbolizing the Holy Trinity, the four-leaf clover is just a rare and lucky symbol. It actually isn't tied to St.

Speaker 2 Patrick's Day specifically, although we think of it now as something.

Speaker 2 Top of the morning to you is

Speaker 2 something that an Irish person would actually never say. It's leprecha fan fiction, essentially, is what it is created by fanfic.
Fanfic for leprechaun.

Speaker 2 You people are freaky. You fuckers are freaky.

Speaker 2 And the name Patty for St. Patrick's Day, the correct term is Paddy, not Patty.
Yes, Patty. D-D-Y.
Yes, because St. Patrick's Day, St.
Patrick's Irish name is Padrick.

Speaker 2 And so you would say Paddy, which is short.

Speaker 2 Patty is short for Patricia. Patty is Padrick.
So there you go. There's correcting some things that may not be necessarily.
Well, I wonder

Speaker 2 how did the clover get associated? The four-leaf clover. Well, some people associate the clover with the Holy Trinity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

Speaker 2 The four-leaf clover is said to be a rare version of that. And lucky if you find one.
Truth is, if you look hard enough, it's actually not that hard to find a four-leaf clover.

Speaker 2 When I was a kid, I was all wrapped up in this because I, of course, I was Irish Catholic, went to Catholic school.

Speaker 2 And so there was like, if Irish, you know, clovers were all over the place around St. Patrick's Day.
It was just one of these things. And we had clover growing in our yard, like a lot of people do.

Speaker 2 It's a weed. So it's everywhere, right?

Speaker 2 So I was all fascinated with whether or not I was going to be able to find a four-leaf clover. It didn't even take me 15 minutes to find a four-leaf clover.

Speaker 2 And then I found another and yet another and yet another. Yeah, I found a bunch of them.
And then I realized it's not that lucky to find a four-leaf clover.

Speaker 2 It's just whether or not you're willing to look for one because it's a weed. And so you don't look for it.

Speaker 2 I had a guy bring me a four-leaf leaf clover on a date one time that's a cute little thing i know it's different yeah here's to me getting lucky

Speaker 2 you know what this means

Speaker 2 uh

Speaker 2 corned beef and cabbage is not Irish. That is not.
It's Irish Americans that made up this because corned beef was cheaper than bacon.

Speaker 2 Real Irish people, or the Irish dish, is actually bacon and cabbage. Lucky Charms, I think you can probably figure out that this one has nothing to do with Ireland.
This is an American marketing

Speaker 2 team came up with, yeah, came up with the Lucky Charms. Guinness, of course, is.
Jameson Whiskey, of course, is.

Speaker 2 Bailey's is, which I just love.

Speaker 2 I love Bailey's too. I love a good Bailey's.
It's so great.

Speaker 2 And then there's one more interesting thing that I wanted to point out that I read here.

Speaker 2 Truth about

Speaker 2 New Orleans throws out cabbage from parade floats.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, nothing like getting hit with a vegetable to say, happy St.
Patrick's Day. That sounds like it would hurt.
It does. Throwing a head of cabbage at you.
What's that? Maybe it's shredding.

Speaker 2 I sure should hope so.

Speaker 2 But that's messy. Yeah, that's like that tomato day in Italy, you know, in Sicily.
It always feels like that would not be something I want to be involved in.

Speaker 2 Why would I want to get struck in the head with tomatoes? Some tomatoes are really heavy. I don't want to be any part of that.
It's like that running of the bulls. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, so I'm going to name some things you tell me whether or not it's Irish. Okay.

Speaker 2 I'll try.

Speaker 2 Hold on one second. Okay, here we go.
I'll start with people.

Speaker 2 The Rock, Dwayne Johnson. Irish or not Irish? Hmm.
Well,

Speaker 2 I want to say no, but because he's randomly on this list, let's go with yes. He is, surprisingly.
His dad has Irish ancestry.

Speaker 2 Yeah, imagine him in a leprechaun, too.

Speaker 2 Like a tiny little one. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like the little tiny ones. I have one of those somewhere.
You do. Yeah, it's a hair clip.
It's on your head. It's a hair clip that my daughter has.

Speaker 2 And I tried to put it on my head, but it didn't work. I know, but it wouldn't.
I don't have any hair to put it on. I could staple it to my head, I guess, or staple it to my head.

Speaker 2 Isn't that Harrison Ford who used to staple the Indiana Jones hat to his head

Speaker 2 for stunts? Yes,

Speaker 2 there's film footage.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's film footage of it. Google it.
He real staples, like a staple gun. He would staple it to his head so that it would stay there while he was doing it.

Speaker 2 I gotta imagine there's a doctor on set giving Harrison some pain medication or something. Because how do you staple stuff to your head and not feel it?

Speaker 2 Unless he's just getting, unless he's drinking Baileys and whiskey.

Speaker 2 Mariah Carey, Irish or nay?

Speaker 2 I'll go with yes. Irish, that's right.
Her mother's side is Irish.

Speaker 2 John F. Kennedy, we already know, is Irish.
Beyonce,

Speaker 2 Irish? I'll go yes. She's not.
No. No.

Speaker 2 So there you go. Okay.

Speaker 2 But she did a record called Irreplaceable with an Irish-sounding accent in a viral video. I have no idea what that's all about.
Robert De Niro, Irish or Ney. Robert De Niro.

Speaker 2 Let's. No.

Speaker 2 He is. He is.
He is Irish. Okay.
That's right. But

Speaker 2 he's best known for his Italian movies. Well, it's his mafia movies.
Yeah. And I'm listening to the Al Pacino autobiography right now, and he's definitely Italian.
Okay. Thanks for that.

Speaker 2 Well, I always think of those two together for some reason. Well, they've done a few movies together.

Speaker 2 Lady Gaga.

Speaker 2 No. Yes.
Oh, I thought she was Italian. No, you're right.
No, I'm saying yes. You're right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 She She released the song Poker Face, but Make It Irish.

Speaker 2 Never mind. That's just a joke that I was trying to make.
It didn't work out.

Speaker 2 I was actually thinking of a bit that I could do. Yeah, these are my notes.
Paul Rudd? Paul Rudd, yes. He is.
Okay. Yep.

Speaker 2 Brad Pitt.

Speaker 2 Hmm. No.

Speaker 2 No, no, it is. He is Irish.
His great-grandparents were from County Downs. Really? County Downs is where my family is from, the Green family.

Speaker 2 But of course, there's probably a million Green families from Ireland. Yeah, you got to imagine.
And of course, Ed Sheeran, we already know.

Speaker 2 Does the McDonald's Shamrock Shake get sold in Ireland?

Speaker 2 I'm going to go with no. It does not.
You're right about that. Is Shepherd's pie Irish?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 It is.

Speaker 2 Okay. But.
That's got potatoes in it, right? It has a bunch of shit in it.

Speaker 2 The Irish version is actually made with lamb. Other vers, excuse me.

Speaker 2 Yes, the Irish version is made with lamb. Other versions sometimes have beef.

Speaker 2 And that beef version is called a cottage pie, not a shepherd's pie. Are potatoes Irish?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 You're right about that. Potatoes actually came from South America.
That's right. They're associated with Irish people because, of course, that's what they ate in the famine.
The famine.

Speaker 2 Black and tan. Is that an Irish invention?

Speaker 2 The black and tan.

Speaker 2 Yes. No.
No. It is a pale beer made,

Speaker 2 pale American beard, pale ale, and then served with British. But

Speaker 2 I think back in the war, they started mixing those two beers and they realized that they could separate them and make a cool looking drink. A black and tan, never my favorite drink.

Speaker 2 I thought that it kind of tasted a little bit weird. Yeah, for sure.
Are bagpipes Irish?

Speaker 2 Yes. Scottish.
Scottish. That's right.
God, I knew that. Okay.

Speaker 2 Halloween, some people say, is Irish, originated in Ireland. Yes.
True or no? Yes, true. It is true.
Because there's a certain

Speaker 2 pagan,

Speaker 2 Celtic, pagan holiday. Celtic.
All right.

Speaker 2 Yesterday we were talking about Teal.

Speaker 2 Today we're talking about the Celtic traditions and the Celtic religion, quote-unquote, religion. It's not really religion.
Okay. I mean, maybe it is.
I don't know. Who knows?

Speaker 2 But I will now tell you an interesting story about the Celts and Tool. Are you ready for those two stories to make their way together? Yes.
Okay, let's do this. Let's take a break.

Speaker 2 And when we get back, Brian will tell his Tool story.

Speaker 4 Rachel here.

Speaker 5 While Brian takes his old man Bladder to the little boys' room, let's talk turkey.

Speaker 7 TCB needs your help. If you love the show, do us all a favor and share.

Speaker 4 Sharing is caring.

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Speaker 7 Do you want to be on the show?

Speaker 4 Leave us a voicemail at at 212-433-3822.

Speaker 7 And you could be the next TCB disembodied voice.

Speaker 1 Ooh, what'd you do today?

Speaker 7 I was a disembodied voice. You know, that sounds more dangerous than it actually is.

Speaker 4 Find us on Insta at thecommercial break, on the web at tcbpodcast.com. And all the episodes on video are available the same day at youtube.com slash thecommercial break.

Speaker 4 I'm gonna go help Brian get back up the stairs while you listen to the sponsors, and then we'll all meet back here and get back to this episode of The Commercial break. I'll take a raise now, bitches.

Speaker 2 Bye.

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Speaker 2 Okay, are you ready? I think so. All right.

Speaker 2 I am.

Speaker 2 I think I'm 20 years old.

Speaker 2 19 or 20 years old. Okay, if you say no, then I've got yet another story to bore you with.
So it just depends on which story you want to get bored by. Let's choose your own adventure.

Speaker 2 Choose your own boredom. Which one do you want to fall asleep to?

Speaker 2 which one do you want to pretend like you're listening to

Speaker 2 let's go let's go with your original you want to go with my original okay it's uh it's story time with brian

Speaker 2 oh we got the noise back there you go i like that okay all right the i'm 19 20 years old like i don't remember exactly what i am i am living out on a porch uh-huh this is your porch this is my porch years

Speaker 2 brian green the porch years i don't even think it was a year. I think it was the porch days, like the porch weeks.

Speaker 2 I think I got kicked out pretty quickly.

Speaker 2 It was a tight squeeze.

Speaker 2 So for those of you who haven't heard, there was a period of time when I lived with my best friend who lived with his good friend in a two-bedroom apartment in which there were already two people living there taking up the bedrooms.

Speaker 2 So my best friend moved into the screened-in porch that was no bigger than the size of this area we're recording in right now.

Speaker 2 And he put like a small single bed in there, a record player, all kinds of tchotchkis. I mean, he made, he did it up.
He even put like a little sheet. Tapestry? Yeah, tapestries.

Speaker 2 There was a rug on the floor. It was a whole thing.
Wine bottles.

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 2 He was a weird guy. So he had a lot of tchotchkis.
Like, just he'd put tchotchkis everywhere.

Speaker 2 He'd go to, he was the guy who walked into an antique store and buy the strangest, cheapest thing he could and make a whole, you know, I don't know, altar out of it. I mean, it was like weird stuff.

Speaker 2 But he

Speaker 2 had an impeccable taste in music and and he was just a weird guy. So for him, sleeping out on the porch, he was saving a few bucks.
It was camping to him, right?

Speaker 2 Well, when Brian was living under a porch, he invited me to come live on the porch. So

Speaker 2 yeah, these are, so I'm probably a little bit younger, 17 or 18. But, you know, so this is like one of those times that I'm there sleeping out with him and the thing.

Speaker 2 And him and I would often after work, we both worked at restaurants, two separate restaurants, but when we were off together, that would be real trouble.

Speaker 2 This is the same guy where I collected like six weeks' worth of narcotics into a box to go to the Further Fest after Jerry Garcia died, and we didn't even make it to the actual festival grounds, to the concert grounds before we had done all six weeks' worth of stockpiled drugs.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. We were such a mess.

Speaker 2 He was such a mess. He passed out for the entire day.
I managed to float on. He passed out for the entire day.
Quite frankly, I'm surprised it wasn't me that did that. But anyway, all right.
So

Speaker 2 we have a night off, and we decide we're going to get a bag of blow and we're going to go back to the house. And like we often did, take out the guitars.

Speaker 2 We had this big whiteboard on the wall of the apartment in the dining room, which the dining room

Speaker 2 glass doors then led to the screened and porch. So we would often sit at the dining room table playing guitar, and then on the whiteboard, we'd be writing lyrics to these songs that we were making.

Speaker 2 Okay, brainstorming. Ridiculous song.

Speaker 2 I mean, just like, you know, just imagine two coked-up 17-year-olds without any musical talent whatsoever creating songs out of the same guitar, like ABC, ABC, ABG, ABD, and then writing lyrics to it.

Speaker 2 It was, and we'd go back and forth. Like he'd write a line, I'd write a line.
He'd write a line, I'd write a line. He'd do a line, I'd do a line.
He'd do a line, I'd do a line.

Speaker 2 It was like a whole thing that we used to do. It was like an obsessive behavior that we had.
But this time,

Speaker 2 the other two people in the apartment also had the day off and they were having none of it. We got to like 10, 11 o'clock at night, and they were done.

Speaker 2 They came out. I remember the guy who like with the head guy, the guy who signed the lease.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he came out and he was like, guys, I got to be honest. This isn't working out.
I am not doing this.

Speaker 2 So either you guys pack up your shit and go like permanently, or you pack up your shit and you go now. But I want to have a quiet night and I can't take this guitar playing it.

Speaker 2 Like, this is too much for me. I don't know what you guys are up to.
And he didn't completely disapprove of the drugs, but he also wasn't partaking.

Speaker 2 So I think for him, it was just a big fucking annoyance. Yeah.
Okay. All right.
10-4. Well, being the good roommates that we were, we understood the mission.

Speaker 2 And we were like, okay, we, we're really on thin ice here. Already anxious because of all the drugs coursing through our system, already paranoid that we're going to get kicked out of this place.

Speaker 2 We decide to pack up and go. We put a guitar in the back of this old Ford Taurus that my friend friend had.

Speaker 2 I know. The old Ford Taurus.
With the dancing Hawaiian girl. On the die.
Yes. And the pine-scented, you know, the pine-scented thing, the mirror.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 If I smell that again in my life, I would pass. I hate that fucking smell.
Yeah, it's a bad one. But it was overwhelming in his car, in my friend Eduardo's car, because he had four of them in there.

Speaker 2 Not one, but four of them. Oh, my God.
It was obnoxious. But anyway, that was just his OCD manifesting itself, I think.

Speaker 2 So we decide we are going to go to a very famous apartment complex here in Atlanta that sits on the river. Yes.
This is the same apartment complex that is in Catch Me If You Can, the movie.

Speaker 2 The pilots live there. The pilots live there.
It was a big swingers community, a big party community for a long time.

Speaker 2 Now it's just an apartment complex, but you can still get to these beautiful, like there's these areas that sit right on the river, big green areas that sit right on the river, have picnic tables, you know,

Speaker 2 almost like stadium seating that you can sit on overlooking the river. And we knew somebody that lived in this apartment complex, but they weren't home.
We couldn't get a hold of them.

Speaker 2 But why not go to the park our cars in front of their house and then go sit on the river?

Speaker 2 And at least we're far enough away from the apartments and other drama that we could play our guitars quietly and just sit there for the rest of the night drinking beer and doing cocaine.

Speaker 2 You know, what normal teenagers are doing. Unbelievable, Brian.
Up to no good. Okay.
So we're there. We're hanging out.
We're on this. Riffing.
We're riffing. We're on this picnic table.

Speaker 2 The merry gun goes round and round, round, go, go, go, and round and round, round. The most ridiculous lyrics you ever heard of in your entire life.
33p

Speaker 2 reboot.

Speaker 2 And we notice that there are a couple of people at the picnic table in the next section down, probably like half a football field.

Speaker 2 So we kind of tone it down a little bit, right? Now we're getting a little paranoid that we're going going to get busted because we're over here doing drugs and drinking and playing guitar.

Speaker 2 We don't live here and our friends aren't home and whatever.

Speaker 2 And about 15 minutes after we had noticed and kind of toned it down, a girl came over from that table and she asked if we had an extra cigarette.

Speaker 2 And I was like, you know, I'm fumbling around, I'll fucking twist it up. And I'm like,

Speaker 2 chewing my face.

Speaker 2 And I give her a cigarette and she says, if you guys want to come hang out with us, you can bring your guitar. I'm over there with some musicians musicians too.
And we were like, okay.

Speaker 2 I was not about it because I just wanted to stay in my little hole. I didn't want to move.

Speaker 2 My butt was planted on the seat because the panic attack that the drug is putting me into makes my body unable to move. But Eduardo is all about it.
He's like, oh, let's go.

Speaker 2 Let's go hang out with some other people. Yeah.
And we go over there and there are a couple of girls. and two guys that are sitting there.
So I think it's like four or five people. It's pitch black.

Speaker 2 It's really dark. I can't see much.
And they start talking and we start having some small conversation, but it's kind of like weird and awkward a little bit.

Speaker 2 Now we're all sitting in the dark next to the river. We don't know each other.
I have a guitar in my hand. It's a weird scenario.
You know, Dave's got an eight ball burning a hole in the pocket.

Speaker 2 Like all I want to do is go back to that picnic table so we can get more high. But the conversation is going on.
And I'm kind of in my own head. I don't, I'm not really following the conversation.

Speaker 2 I remember. Until this girl says, well, this guy's in a band.
And

Speaker 2 Eduardo goes, oh, yeah, what band are you in? Like, is it, you know, local band? What do you, what kind of shit do you play? And he responds, it's kind of rock. It's kind of rock.

Speaker 2 And he says, oh, yeah, what band is that? And he says, yeah, I don't know. You probably never heard of it.
He's like, he's like, he's like trying not to answer the question.

Speaker 2 But the girl goes, you may not have heard of them, but they're pretty famous. The name is Tool.

Speaker 2 And I was like, what? Like, I popped up right away. I go, Tool?

Speaker 2 You are in Tool?

Speaker 2 And he goes well i don't like i don't want to say you know and i then she's like he's being humble but he's the drummer from tool and i'm like you're the drummer from tool and he's like yeah i play drums with tool and i don't know if this is real or not real in this moment right in this moment i but i am so young and so naive that i instantaneously I fall for it.

Speaker 2 I'm convinced now we're sitting next to the drummer from Tool. I am high as a fucking kite.
I am driving snakes out of my own head. And I'm like, holy shit.

Speaker 2 And all I could think to ask him, because I am high, I am discombobulated, and I don't know shit from Shinola. The only thing that Brian thinks to ask him is,

Speaker 2 what do you think about the Celtic religion?

Speaker 2 What do you think about the Celtic religion?

Speaker 2 I want to have a conversation about the Celtic religion. Why did that pop into your head?

Speaker 2 Because I had, because I knew enough about Tool and the symbology that they use and the tattoos that some of them have to know that they believe in the Druids and the Celts and all this other stuff.

Speaker 2 Like that's a, there's a lot of themology that goes on throughout their music about these things. Yeah.
Right. And here I am, 17, 18 years old.
fucking brain fried.

Speaker 2 You know, it's now two o'clock in the morning in the dark, sitting next to a bunch of strangers.

Speaker 2 One just claimed to be, you know, Dana Carvey or whatever, Carrie, or whatever his name is, the drummer from Tool.

Speaker 2 And all I could think to ask is, not How's Maynard? When's your next album coming out? I love you guys. You know, cool, nice to meet you.
That could have been another one that I said.

Speaker 2 I like your music. Yeah.
What do you think about the Celtic religion? What do you think about the Celtic religion?

Speaker 2 But what did he say? He went on a three-minute diatribe about the Celts. Then he got into the Druids.
It was, I say three minutes. In my head, it felt like 40 minutes because all I wanted to do was

Speaker 2 gab back at him about the little that I knew about all of this, which was nothing. I knew nothing except that Tool might or might not be into the Celtic or Druid religion.
I mean, I was so...

Speaker 2 fucked up that it was like all that my thinking was incongruent. And so all I could do was just like sit there, listen while my nose is running and hope that I could get a word in edgewise.

Speaker 2 Well, he goes into this and then, okay, and then I, and then I blabber something back to him about some knowledge that I have.

Speaker 2 Which was none. Which was none.

Speaker 2 Nothing. I was like, I hear they worship trees.

Speaker 2 I heard they sacrifice babies in front of trees.

Speaker 2 I hear that Mother Earth is God.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. I was thinking about getting a tattoo one time in the Celtic religion.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, those Celtic circle circle things. But yeah, so I say a few things about that.
And then I say, I was in a band too.

Speaker 2 Chrissy, this almost dead stopped the entire conversation. Because once I mentioned that I was a musician too,

Speaker 2 he says, oh, yeah, great. Like, like dismissing it completely.

Speaker 2 And then he says, well, it's been nice meeting you guys. I think we gotta go.

Speaker 2 And they left.

Speaker 2 And to this day, in my head, I don't know if this is real or not real. I have no idea.
I know what he looks like. I didn't back then because back then was a different time.
You're right.

Speaker 2 You didn't have images of every single human being that ever lived at your fingertips' disposal. You had to work in order to find out what someone looked like.

Speaker 2 Well, I wonder like if you, did you find out they were like playing, they were in town?

Speaker 2 That was the other thing is that I think that Eduardo went and did a little scouting and I don't think they were touring at the time. They may have been in town recording an album.
Who knows, right?

Speaker 2 Could have been a million things. Maybe he was dating this girl.
Maybe there was some connection there, sisters, brothers. I have no idea.
I really don't.

Speaker 2 But in my mind, for years, I met the drummer from Tool one night

Speaker 2 in a dark corner in front of the river, right? In my mind, I did.

Speaker 2 But as I got older, I started to wonder if in the age of no internet, was I just, did I just get hoodwinked hoodwinked by somebody who's claiming to have been the drummer from Tool?

Speaker 2 But because it was so dark and because I did not know what he looked like at the time, could I have just been imagining things essentially?

Speaker 2 Still to this day, when I talk to my friend, which is, it's been a while, but when I, when we, when we review that evening, neither of us can really remember enough of what these people look like because of how dark it was, because of the, it's just, you got to imagine, there's no city lights, there's no street lights, there's no nothing.

Speaker 2 There's just a river and a huge green space with big trees. So even if there was a moon out, it could have been covered.
We just didn't see and we didn't.

Speaker 2 It's hard to go back to that moment in time and not see the person that we know now to be the drummer. But who fucking really knows if that's the drummer? I say go with it.
But I do know.

Speaker 2 that they do believe in stuff that's Celtic. That's that's that still holds true.
That's what I do know. That's for sure.
I'm glad you brought it up. Thank you.
To him.

Speaker 2 What do you think about the Celtic religion? What do you think about the Celtic religion? What a dumb thing to say, Brian.

Speaker 2 You know, if you had some moments back, you would go back and do things differently. That's one of those moments I would go back and do differently.

Speaker 2 I'd be like, oh, really? So why are you here in Atlanta? Yeah. What are you guys doing? What's the next thing? You know, there are so many questions that I could have said.

Speaker 2 There's so many things I could have said. Oh, I'm a fan.
I like your first album. Because I think at that time, they only had one album that was maybe two that were available.

Speaker 2 And I would have shared that, you know, I'm a fan. I'm not like a diehard fan, but I'm a fan of the music.
But I just blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

Speaker 2 I think the only thing that you can do now is go down to the beach, Tool Beach show. Tool in the sand.
Find the drummer. That's it.
And, you know, talk to him. That's it.
Get a redo.

Speaker 2 I want a redo. Hey, Tool Drummer, if you're listening, which you're not, but if you're listening, do you remember that night?

Speaker 2 He probably does.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you about the time in Atlanta when I decided never to go back to Atlanta. Right.

Speaker 2 I met this moron

Speaker 2 who asked me about the Celtic religion. I thought I was being...
Well, he had some things to say about it. Yeah, he did.
He went on a little diatribe, right?

Speaker 2 And so that lends a little bit of credibility to maybe he was the drummer for Tool. Maybe you were going, maybe in your head too quickly, you thought you were going deeper.

Speaker 2 You know, you didn't want to be like, like, I'm a fan. I love you.

Speaker 2 Yada, yada, yada. You wanted to connect.
I think that's what it was. I think.

Speaker 2 I'd like to think that I was asking a question that other people won't ask because it's not the first thing on their mind when they meet a famous person.

Speaker 2 But really, I think I was just so fucking high that I couldn't think of anything else to ask.

Speaker 2 All right. Well, there's my story.
TCBpodcast.com. That's where you get all the information about Chrissy and I, all the audio, all the video right there from one location.
Go get your free sticker.

Speaker 2 The drop-down menu on the contact us button says, I want my free sticker. Give us your address and away it'll go.
212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822.

Speaker 2 Questions, comments, concerns, contents, ideas at the commercial break on Instagram, youtube.com/slash the commercial break

Speaker 2 for all the videos the same day they air here on the audio feed. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.
I think so. I'll tell you that I love you.
I love you. Best to you.

Speaker 2 And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.

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