TCB Classic: Mr. Mommy

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Somebody gonna ask me, why do I go out of my way to be petty? I said, first and foremost, it's not out of my way. Okay.

On this episode of the Commercial Break.

So we are at the point now where I think we can officially call this a mandemic. I have mandemicked myself into a full week of sickness.

So unfortunately, there is going to be no new episode of TCB today. But I would like to kindly remind you that we have done 6,462 hours of this damn show.

So there is absolutely no shortage of commercial great content if that's what you need today.

And because I know some of you might want TCB content today, I'm going to repurpose an old episode, one where I talk about Astrid's big adventure down to Miami for a day and how I had to care for all 15 of my children.

It's an episode that will clearly show you what a moron I really am. I'd also like to remind you that Chrissy and I now stream all of our recordings on YouTube, Twitch, and Kik.

So if you want to hear the episodes early and live and get involved with them, you can follow us at the Commercial Break on Instagram.

And we will post 15 to 20 minutes before we stream on those three platforms. That usually occurs Tuesday through Thursday between noon and 3 p.m.

Because if there's one thing that Chrissy and I cannot do over the last six years of this show, it's keep a schedule.

And that's why it's important you follow us at the commercial break so you don't sit on YouTube wondering where in the hell we are. Okay, here's episode number 523 from season five.

This is me, Brian Green, starring as Mr. Mom.

The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now.

Yeah,

boys!

Oh, yeah, Katie Kittens. Welcome back to the Commercial Break.
I'm Brian Green, and this is the Keano Reefs of my Tom Cruise. Kristen Joy Hotley, best to you, Kristen.
Best to you, Brian.

Best to you out there in the podcast, universe.

You're my Keano Reefs. Ah, do you see him got married? He did? Yeah.
Good for him. When he got married,

I can't remember her name, but they've been together. You heard it here last.

Cheers to the happy couple. Cheers.
Yeah, good for them. Kano's, you know, the hotter, sexier, cooler, much more talented version of my Tom Cruise.

But Tom's got his own, you know, he's got his own thing going on. Well, speaking of Tom Cruise, did you see that he went to

Backham, you know,

to the party?

And I read this little account of him, and he apparently was going wild and doing splits. Oh, really? On the dance floor.
He was? Yeah. That guy is out of control.

Is he part cyborg or something? I mean, he doesn't seem to age or

have any fear of

the Scientology devil. It's got to be.
He's met Finu or Zanu or whatever the fucking name that is. And he's paid millions of dollars to do so.

And he rides on that boat and he hangs out with David Miscavige. And just even saying the name probably means we're not going to be able to air this episode.

But, you know, I mean, it's so fucking litigious.

But at the end of the day like tom is a very hyper human being he you know jumps on couches in that oprah interview he's lashing out at matt lauer this is what happens when you don't take your psychiatric medication because you're acting like a 14 year old and you're 67 he's jumping out of planes without fucking safety gear he wants to do all his own stunts he's just but you there's some appreciation i have for the way that he lives his life absolutely do too he just don't give fucks he doesn't give fucks and he's rich and powerful enough to not give fucks.

And he backs it up by producing incredible movies. And he's like so hands-on with them.
He knows what the public wants.

I know.

I didn't want to like the second top gun, but I did. I haven't even seen it, but it's, you know,

best movie ever. It's a great movie.

It's not the best movie ever, but it's a great movie. Well, they're saying like Mission Impossible 84 or whatever they're on is the best action movie ever made.

Really?

With a 67-year-old dude? I mean, but yeah, because he's driving a real motorcycle over a real canyon and

he does it all himself. Yeah.
It's unbelievable. You know, Harrison Ford used to do all his own stunts too, or most of his own stunts also in the Indiana Jones movies.
But even he wised up.

He's like, fuck, after he crashed that plane, he's like, I'm not doing this anymore. What the fuck am I doing? I'm breaking bones.

I don't know. There's some small appreciation that I do have for Tom Cruise and the way that he lives his life.
And he is like the Taylor Swift of movies. He's all hands.
He's all in. He's hands-on.

He does it all himself. And he knows what the public wants.
So what can you do there? Keanu Reeves is just kind of a dude. He's like the dude.

He's like the real version of the dude from the Big Lebowski. And he also, deservedly so, does a lot of his own stunts, but he also gets a lot of

people to watch his movies. I think because we all know deep down inside of our hearts that Keanu Reeves is like as close to the Buddha as we're ever going to get.

I mean, he has a lot of guns, but you know, he's besides all that,

he's like as close to the Buddha as we're going to get on earth. He seems like it, doesn't he? Yeah, he's like helping children and signing autographs and telling people there's no.

Seems like, yeah, the nicest guy.

This is what you could have been, Ashton Kutcher. You could have been had you not defended your shithead

co-star there. You know, I was reading about.
Oh, yeah, that's right.

They made that 70s show, which was a great show in the moment. I don't know if it's aged very well, probably because all the drama we know about the people who actually made the show.

But that 70s show was a great show when it was on. And then they did that 80s show.
And who the fuck ever watched that 80s show?

Now they have that 90s show, which is on Netflix. Yeah.
And apparently, you know, those two, Mila Kunez and Ashton Kutcher, showed up on an episode or two to kind of like,

you know, further the storyline.

Were they like the parents? Yeah, they're the parents now of the children who are on that 90s show, which makes sense.

But I just don't think Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunez hold as much weight as they may have at one point. I think there was that one point where I'm like, oh, Ashton's a pretty cool guy.

Now I'm like, what a shithead. What a shithead.
I mean, honestly, like, what a dumbass. That's my personal opinion.
I forget, too, that he was with Demi Moore for so long.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I know.
You kind of forget about that.

Now I'm seeing these pictures with like Bruce Willis, his new wife, all his children, and Demi Moore, all like Christmas morning wearing pajamas hanging out. Yeah, well, that's the way you do it.

Well, except he's got that bad disease now. Well, yeah, but I mean, I say that's the way you do it when I mean-the blended family.

Like the blended family, and when someone's in trouble, they all come together regardless of how they feel about each other or what past they may have. Yeah, it's

that to me is a beautiful thing. I like it.
I agree. I really do enjoy it.
But what a scary thing for Bruce Willis. Now, a number of people have been diagnosed with that.
I know.

Early onset, super quick dementia. Yeah.
That's scary shit.

That is scary shit. Put me out of my misery.
That's all I got to say. I mean, I'm not suggesting that anyone, you know, hurt anybody, but put me out of my misery if that's what happens to me.

Send me off to Sweden. Put me in one of those, you know.

Off to Sweden. Yeah, yeah.
They have those tubes. You put yourself in, you press a button, and then there you go.
And you disintegrate? You just go. Yeah.

You just float off into the night and then put me in one of those, and then burn me and put me in a tree or whatever they're doing now. They grow grow a tree out of your body.
They do. It's crazy.

Yeah. That's the way I want to go.

I heard someone the other day and something I was listening to say they wanted to just be put into the ground, like just straight, into the ground. Just and just disintegrate.
Like a dog.

Like burying a dog in your backyard. Yes.
Yeah.

I was never down with that. Yeah, I just read.
This is an interesting segue. I actually have this story open.
I didn't intend to segue into this, but I'll segue into it.

You know that Kristen Kirsten, whatever her name is, Noem? christy noem the governor of south

right right right yeah

a crackpot anyway let's get beyond her politics

and i'm reading a story that she executed her dog and a goat in front of a construction crew a number of years ago she wrote it in a book that she executed her dog for being annoying and obnoxious and killing a few chickens on her farm what executed the dog and then just buried and then her kids were like where's cricket or whatever the dog's name where's cricket and she's like i i I don't know.

And the construction crew is probably like, like, mouths wide open because she killed the dog, just killed it because it got loose and killed the chicken. Isn't that

what psychopaths do?

I am pretty sure that's what psychopaths do. And Brian, listen, if Blue is still alive, Cricket should still be alive.
Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I don't care how annoying your dog is.

You've never met a dog as annoying as Blue. And she's still breathing.
No. I have not executed her, and I do not intend to.

How many years and days a week have I been coming here? I mean, thousands and thousands, not thousands of years, but thousands and thousands. Thousands of days

have I walked in that door and it's the same dance every time. Yeah, you gotta, she jumps up on you, you gotta move to the left, move to the left, quiet, quiet, quiet.
Stop. Shut up!

So my youngest is walking and starting to talk.

So, and I'll share this story in the next segment, but my wife goes out of town for a day. One day, that's it.
Gone in the morning, comes back at night. That's just a 15-hour window.
Yes.

And I'm trying to get everybody out the door for school. And the dog is just like, every time someone goes in or out of that door, it's a signal to that dog, Blue, to go fucking ape shit.

And it's like, dude, we're just leaving. We do this every day, four times a day.
We're leaving the house. You're okay.
Everything's going to be okay.

But she is so wound up and she's so fucking obnoxious that she will not stop barking, like loudly, sharply. It kind of hurts your ears.
Yes, and so we're all trying to get out of the door. Yes, guys,

godly knows. Um, we're all trying to get out of the door, and my youngest walks up to the dog and she's got her shoe in her hand, and she like starts swinging it at the dog.

Now, we don't hit the dog, but she's like swinging it not to hit it, but like she's going like this, and she's going, No,

no,

quiet, quiet, yeah, because that's what they all do. We're like, No, quiet.

It's crazy.

If Blue is still alive, Cricket should still be alive. I can't believe this lady put it in a book.
She's the fucking governor of South Dakota.

I mean, that's one of those things you just kind of shut the fuck up about, right? Yeah.

I understand there are circumstances upon which you have to put a dog down because they're dangerous. Now, it says that she, but he was, the dog was killing chickens.

Well, dogs are going to kill chickens. That's what dogs in the wild would do.
They'd kill them and they'd eat them.

So, but she says it was, the the dog was only like 17 months old, too, and it was untrainable. I mean, 17 months, you're not giving the dog a whole lot of time to live

and try it out. But, anyways, what a fucked up thing to do.
And then she buries it in the backyard. I never,

back to the point, I never understood burying a dog in the backyard. I don't even understand it.

Like, it just doesn't make any sense to me why you would want a dead, rotting corpse in the backyard, unless you had a farm where there's plenty of land. Right.

And no one's ever going to see the maggots crawling out of the earth. But, like, isn't there some disease that can happen if you're just like burying dead things in your backyard? It seems like it.

Jeez, it seems so weird. Crazy.

No,

we never did that. Never did that.
My family didn't do that. No.
But you had a lot of dogs, too. We did.
We had a lot of cats, dogs, fish. Your mom like opened up the house for that? Yes.

She was an animal lover. She was an animal lover.
She liked to take in pathetic little things. That was her thing.
She liked to find cats on the side of the road and bring them home. Yes.
Oh.

And dogs. Yeah.
I could never live with a person like that. I lived with a lady.
I lived with a girl

for years, and she was like that. And I just had to put my foot down.
I'm like, listen, we do not need to adopt every single stray animal. I wish I could.

Of course. But at some point, it's not practically.

You're not practically able to do that with every single creature that you see. This is coming from the guy who drove 50 miles to save a bird, and the bird was flying around the car.
That's right.

Scaring the shit out of Astrid. And I'm like, we got to get there to save the bird.
Astrid's like, I'm pretty sure it's fine. It's flying around the car.

That's right.

Oh, my God.

Scared the fuck out of us.

We're swerving all over some Florida highway, and the bird's like,

close the windows. Astrid's like, it's fine.
It's fine. Let it out.
Open the windows. Open the windows.

Not that Astrid didn't want to save it. She came on the ride with me, but I think she figured, okay, we saw it flap flap its wings.
It'll be all right.

Let it go. But no, Brian had to drive to the bird sanctuary that was closed, by the way.

It wasn't even open, but they had a box outside they wanted me to put the bird in with the birds flapping all around. And I'm like,

I'm like pushing it in there. It's like pecking me.
Like, ah, ah, get in your cage.

Sorry to take you from your home on the beach and stuff you into some box, but you're going to be fine now. Everything's going to be good.
A better life awaits.

You just have to to wait till Monday at 9 a.m.

Monday, 9 a.m. Everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah, take a little nap.

Sleepy time for the bird.

Well, hopefully that bird's still alive somewhere. I don't think so.
Yeah, I don't think so.

The weirdest thing about that whole situation, and this is a story I told a long time ago on the commercial break, Aster and I were at a beach and we were just hanging out there, and I was taking a run.

And on the way back from the run, right in front of where the family was sitting on the beach, where they had like, you know, the little camped out there, there was a bird, and it was like, just like trying to flap its wings, but it wasn't.

And it was looked dizzy and confused. And I was really upset about this.
I was like, geez, and it had some kind of film on its wings. I got really upset about this.

And I had the guy that was at the beach club, I had him bring me a box, and I put it in the box. And I had a towel, and I wrapped it around.

But it just seemed really in very bad shape. And so I started calling around the island, trying to figure out who could help this bird.

Well, of course, you know, whatever, the DNR or Department of Natural Resources, they're like, yeah, we don't come out for a single bird. Like, birds die.
It's okay.

And I was like, well, that's not very DNR of you.

Okay.

I'm not calling the do not resuscitate hotline. I'm calling the Department of Natural Resources, right?

And then,

but luckily, there were a couple of bird sanctuaries. All of them were closed, except one lady answered the phone and she said, yeah, we see this all the time.

There's There's a Navy submarine encampment, you know, a base right down the street, right down the beach.

There's a Navy base down the street.

I have a terrible headache, and you know when like headaches start to affect the way that you think? You know what I'm saying? That's where I'm at right now. I'm like, oh, God, my brain's not working.

So there's this naval base, and the naval base uses a certain kind of substance to wash off the submarines, to clean the submarines.

And we believe that that's a neurotoxin to these birds. And so, whenever they go cleaning the subs, we end up having a number of these birds.
So, I'm not open today.

I won't be open till Monday, but in the ass backward swamp of Florida, somewhere 50 miles away from where you happen to be, if you just drive down this dirt road for 14 miles, then you'll see a box in the middle of nowhere where you stuff the bird and I'll pick it up on Monday.

And I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? So, Astrid and I put that box in there. We have the towel covering it, and we're riding.

And Astrid's in the back holding the box, like, you know, holding the towel down in the box.

And we're like halfway there, 20 miles into this journey, you know, and all of the sudden the bird just like pops out like one of those clowns.

We go, den, da, den, da, da, da, da, den, da, den, da, den, da, da, da, den. You know what I'm saying? Like a clown in the box? In the box, yeah.
The jack in the box. Jack in the box.

It just pops its head out and it's like,

it starts flying around the car.

And Astrid jumps into the front seat. She's like, ah, and I'm like, put it back in the box.
And she got on touching that fucking thing.

It was like a comedy show going on in the car for like 14 miles of the drive. And then we really did have to drive on this swamp road forever and ever to get down there.

So, you know, like I have this empathy for animals. And when I see something that looks helpless, hurt, I want to help it.
I nurtured a squirrel once back to health.

Like, I want to help it, but I can't take all of them in and then just leave them there indefinitely. It's, it's insane to me.

I have a friend who's got basically an animal hospital going on in their house. Any given time, there's snakes and reptiles and squirrels and possums and raccoons.

They're all running around everywhere. Every time I see a Facebook page, there's another fucking weird animal in their hands.
The other day, it's like petting a possum. I'm like, what are you doing?

I think it's full of disease and nastiness. Like, my goodwill stops at roaches and possums.
You know what I'm saying? I don't feel bad for you. I'm sorry.
I just don't. Because you're kind of weird.

You're like little aliens crawling around this earth. And I'm not sure you should be here.
So I don't know if my empathy extends that far.

If you're a dog or a cat or a cute little bird, those things I want to. I mean, I'll swerve to miss it.

Yeah, of course you swerve to miss it. Causing accident.

Every time I swerve to miss a squirrel or a chipmunk, I think to myself,

one of these days I'm going to die because I swerved to miss it.

But it's like your first instinct. That's right.
I mean,

not to just keep going. There was the other day.
I guess unless there is a car oncoming. Yeah, you've got to be careful.
I know it is a natural instinct. That's what makes it so dangerous.

It's like, you know, it's like a, I don't know, like some weird tick that you have. It's like, ah!

I know. The other day, one of my kids is like, was has been for months growing increasingly anxious about bugs.
Oh, right. And she doesn't want to see bugs, bugs, bugs, dad, bugs, bugs, bugs, bugs.

But we've been trying to talk her out of it, talk her down off the ledge. Listen, most bugs don't want to hurt you.
They have no interest. There are some bugs like roaches that you just kill.

And then, so we're outside, we're playing around. She notices every bug and she goes, Oh, daddy, look, there's an ant.
It's this big black ant, and it's crawling around the sidewalk.

And we're out there dancing on the sidewalk. And she's crawling around.
And I'm like, oh, and she's like, oh, daddy, ant. And I go, no, no, no, he's just crossing the road.
He'll be fine.

You know, let him go. Just let him do his thing.
He's not going to, he's not going to hurt you. So she's sitting there and she's looking.
And, you know, she's like, oh, I see, Daddy, he's so cute.

He just wants to cross the road. And I'm like, I know.
And then one of my other kids comes with a double-footed stomp and just stomps on the ant and goes, goes, see, I took care of it. And I'm like,

thanks, guy. Thanks, pal.

And now she's crying about the bug, and I'm like, I'm sorry. We got to let those little guys just keep going.
What did you kill him for? Mia was scared.

All right, but Mia can have therapy. The ant is no longer.
It's either existence or therapy. We can deal with one of those.

The other one's not coming back. You know what I'm saying, kid? You gotta make sure of it.

Stop. All right, let me tell you about my day with the children when we get back.

Okay, I'm very interested to hear. Oh, Nelly.

All right, we'll be back.

You make this rather snappy, won't you? Somebody can be thinking to do it before 10 o'clock.

Hi, cats and kittens. Rachel here.
Do you ever get the urge to speak endlessly into the void like Brian? Well, I've got just the place for you to do that. 212-433-3TCB.
That's 212-433-3822.

Feel free to call and yell all you want. Tell Brian I need a race.
Compliment Chrissy's innate ability to put up with all his shenanigans. Or tell us a little story.

The juicier, the better, by the way. We'd love to hear your voice, because Lord knows we're done listening to ourselves.

Also, give us a follow on your favorite socials at the Commercial Break on Insta, TCB Podcast on TikTok. And for those of you who like to watch, oh, that came out wrong.

We put all the episodes out on video. Youtube.com slash the commercial break and tcbpodcast.com for all the info on the show, your free sticker, or just to see how pretty we look.

Okay, I gotta go now. I've got a date.
With my dog. No, seriously, Axel needs food.
Today is pork chop day.

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All right. So Astrid has to go down to Miami just for the day,

to sign a piece of paper regarding a citizenship, right?

That's what she said. That's what she says.
Exactly. And I'll explain this in a second why for a second I thought, hmm, I don't know.
She just needed a day off.

She needed a day off to be with her sexy, you know, hunky Hispanic boyfriend.

So she's got to go down there just for the day. It's kind of like a gotta do it kind of situation.
We have no choice. It's literally planned within 24 hours and she's on her way.

And

she's like, listen, I know, I'm sorry. I got, you know, I got to do this.
I'll leave you everything done.

She's really so concerned about her children's ability to actually live through an entire 15-hour window with dad just by himself. So she's like sitting me down to have this big conversation with me.

She writes this huge.

And she's like, you know, kids wake up at this time, breakfast here, do this.

This kid gets that. That kid gets that.
I've got these instructions. And I'm playing so flip and coy.
I'm like, listen. I got it.
I got it.

You don't think I can take care of these kids? I helped make them.

I know how to take care of kids. Like, we're parents together.
And she goes, yeah, kind of.

And you're mine. Kind of, yeah.
Kind of, but you, like, actually don't do most of the stuff I do. And you're mostly fucking around by that microphone.

And like, you're kind of not participating in all the hard stuff. So, yes, you do.

You are a parent, technically, on the birth certificate, but I'm not entirely sure that counts much for this particular situation. And so I'm like taking such offense to this.
I'm like, I got it.

I got it, don't worry. Feed the kids, clothe them, let them shit and shower and shave, and then we're out the door, right?

Yeah, and she's like, Brian, kids don't shave at this age, and I'm like, well, whatever, you get what I'm saying.

And she's like, what are you gonna do when it, you know, you got to think about what you're gonna do because you're not gonna have your morning press conference time, you're not gonna be able to go get your cup of coffee, like you gotta plan for all this because it's not gonna happen.

So I just want to, like, I'm helping you along here, you know, got to think. And I just, I'm running into this like a bowl in a china shop.
I'm like, fuck it. Whatever happens, we're going down.

If we're going down, we're going down with a bowl. It's just, that's the way it is, right? I'm going to get these kids up.
They're going to be so ready. I'm going to bathe them.

You're going to be dad of the year.

I'm going to be picturing yourself like, you know,

Astrid comes back and the kids are like, we don't even need you anymore, Astrid. That's what I was hoping.

Brian, Daddy. Daddy did it.
Covered. We did everything.
Go back to Miami. Spend an extra couple of days there.
Look at dad, superstar. He's cooking.
He's flipping. He's wiping butts.

He's changing diapers. he's doing it all.

Blue is sitting down quiet right in front of right in front of the door. Look at him.
It's all, you know, the house is clean. He cleaned the car, he pressure washed the outside of the shutters.

He dad did it all. Look at him.
I think he's out there cutting the grass right now with two of the children on the lawnmower. Like, he's so good at this.

But, man, do you not know what you got till it's gone? That's right. As the famous poet Mick Jagger once said, let me tell you something right now.
That is not at all how it went down.

And I should have probably expected this, and I did somewhere in my brain know that there was going to be an emergency ripcord I was going to have to pull at some point.

So Astra's got to get, Astra's got to meet an Uber outside at like 4.45 in the morning to get to her flight so she can get to Miami in time to do what she needs to do.

So in preparation for that, the night before, I say, okay, shut it down. No studio stuff.
I'm going to go to bed 9, 9.30. I'm going to be asleep by 10.30, 11.

So I can get up when she leaves, walk her to the Uber, and then I'll come back. I'll sleep for an hour or two.
I'll wake everybody up. We'll get going.
Smooth sailing. Smooth sailing.
This is my plan.

But goddamn, did it go sideways right from the get.

3.15 in the morning, the baby is crying, right? She's in that age where she's just having trouble sometimes sleeping throughout the night and she wants some comfort.

3.15.15 in the morning, baby's crying. Astrid goes in to soothe her.
Astrid's got to get up at four.

That 3.15 in the morning wake-up call from the baby also starts to rile the other two children, one of which I'm sleeping with in the bed. And so now I'm up.

It's 3.15 and I'm up, and I know my alarm's going to go off at 4.15 or whatever, because I'm going to go walk her out to the Uber. So in my head, you know how you start.

Do you ever set an alarm and then get up like four minutes before the alarm goes off? It's the worst fucking thing in the world.

The worst thing in the world is getting up five minutes before the alarm goes off. I kind of like it.
I hate it. I kind of of like it because then I'm not startled by the alarm.
I'm with you on that.

Yeah. But maybe not five minutes.
Let's call it 15 or 20 minutes before the alarm goes off. Yeah, you wanted that extra sleep.
You need that extra sleep.

I don't know why, but that 15 minutes before the alarm goes off is the most important sleep ever because every time I wake up 15 minutes or 20 minutes or an hour before the alarm goes off, I start panicking in my own head.

I got to get to sleep. I got to get to sleep.
What do I do? You know, what can I take? What do I drink? You know, where's the Tylenol? Where's the Benadryl? Where's the Xanax?

I got to get something so I can go back to sleep for 20 minutes. But now I am up.
And by 3:35, I know I'm up. I'm like, well, fuck it.
I'll just get up. Yeah, you just have to go with it.

So four o'clock in the morning,

3:50 in the morning. Astrid comes back, manages to go to sleep for another 20 minutes.
How she does that, I have no idea. I wish I had that magic power, but she goes back to sleep for 20 minutes.

Because as a mom, you take it where you can get it. That's true.
Well, I mean, you know, there's dads too. Look at me.

What about me? What about me? Me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, my, my, my, my.

So

now I'm just sitting there stirring, mad that Astrid is the one who has to get up early, and I'm the one who's already up early. I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I'm all pissed off, right?

And I'm like, okay, let me turn on a show. It'll put me, lull me back to sleep like a baby.
Let me put on that fucking West Wing I've seen 75,000 times and

it's my little lullaby, right?

President Bartlett,

Sam Seaborn, and the whole crew. They're going to put me to sleep.
He talks.

So I put it on. Nothing works.
I'm not going back to sleep. So now I'm up.
So I just decide I'm going to watch an episode of The West Wing and just stay up. Astrid gets up and I get up with her.

And then, you know, we're sitting in the kitchen. She's making coffee and something she can take on the plane to eat.
And

I'm just amazed by her composure. I'm amazed at the ability to plan.
She's got 675,000 documents stuck in a bag that you can actually take on a plane without, you know, drama. Yeah.

She's thought of everything, right? And I'm like, do you have the? Yes. Do you have no? Yes.
Do you have? Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes.
I've got it all.

You know how many times I would have walked back in the house had that been the same trip with me?

You know how many times on the airplane I would have been like, oh shit, I forgot that piece of paper. I didn't bring a charger.
I don't have a change of clothes. What about my shoes?

Fuck, I didn't bring deodorant. God damn, goddamn, goddamn.
But Astrid has it all laid out. She's ready to go.
This is what makes her a superhero.

And me, this is what makes her Keanu Reeves and me, Tom Cruise. I'm like the lowly version of Keanu Reeves.
I'm really not that cool in person, right? I'm doing splits on the dance floor.

That's what's going on.

Yeah.

Astrid's panicked about the Uber ride because we all should be panicked about the Uber ride because really a stranger's coming to pick you up, right? And you don't know.

But I see on the little Uber app, and she has every safety feature turned on. You got to do it.
I do all those too. Yeah, you got to do the pin.
You're sharing it with multiple people.

You know where you are. You know, blah, blah, blah.
I just turn my iPhone, you know, find my iPhone. Okay, we're sharing our location.

I walk her out, but I also notice the guy has had 11,000 trips and has a 4.99 rating. So I'm like, 11,000 trips.
That's that's a pretty good trip.

I don't think I hope today's not the day he decides to go ape shit. You know, does he turn into an ex-murderer today? Probably not.
I think he do that around trip 13,000. We're still good.

Right. So I walk her out to the Uber and I come back into the house.
And who's fucking barking? Blue.

So blue's barking at me. And now

other children are up. Everybody's up.
Not everybody. Oh.
The baby's still sleeping, but the two that are the hardest to get to sleep are now up. And so I'm like, they're like, Daddy,

it's morning time.

And I'm like, no, it's not. Do you see? It's dark outside.
It's four fucking 50 in the morning. Let's go back to sleep for a couple of hours.
Daddy,

what?

I have to go pee-pee. No!

Can't you hold it? Can like hold it for two hours? Daddy, what? I just went pee-pee. Ah, God damn it.

I get up. I take her to the bathroom.
I come back. Now I'm smushed in the middle of two children.
And one of them is playing games with her hands. She's like this.

Daddy, Mediposa. And I'm like, what? Mediposa.
And I'm like, butterfly? Yeah. Mediposa.
And she's like doing her hands like this.

Yes. In front of my face, right in front of my face.
And I'm like, go to sleep. Daddy, secret.
Maddie Posa.

Waving her hands in front. I am so worked up right now, Hoadley.
This is going to go one of two. And then the other kid on the other side, Daddy, what? Can I turn on Disney Jr.? No.

4:50 in the morning.

What are you doing?

Go back to sleep.

Daddy, what? Can I watch the West Wing on your phone? No. Because now he likes my shows now, right? Exactly.
Because he's going to put him to sleep, too.

This is going to go one of two ways, Chrissy. At this moment, it's like 5.15, 5.20 in the morning.
This is going to go one of two ways.

Either I am going to absolutely lose my shit and demand that these children go the fuck to sleep right now, or I'm going to play the cool dad and I'm just going to let it roll, right?

And I make a quick, probably the wrong decision, but I make a decision to just let it roll. I would have too.
Okay.

So

the girl, my daughter, manages to fall asleep. My son keeps asking me if he can watch the West Wing.
Can I watch something on your phone? Can I watch something on your phone?

And I'm like, no, you're not allowed to watch things on phones. First of all, second of all, no, no, no, no, no.
You know what happens five minutes later? We're watching the West Wing on my phone.

Of course, that's what we're doing, right?

And he never goes back to sleep. So at 5:45, 6:30 in the 5:45, 6 o'clock in the morning, He's like, Daddy, can I call mommy? And I'm like, why? And he goes, for breakfast.

And I'm like, no, I'm going to make you breakfast. Well, mommy made you breakfast, but I'm going to actually heat it up for you.

So at this point, I just give up. I'm like, okay, let's go.
So it's me. Let's start the day.
Yeah, it's me and a couple of the kids. The first thing that this child does, the first thing.

Now, I will remind you of what I have said on this show before. You never wake a sleeping baby.

Don't ever think about it. Don't look it in the eye.
Don't, don't. Just don't even look at the door.
Don't, when you pass the room, just don't even look at the door.

You tiptoe past and you do everything you can to keep that baby asleep for as long as you can because babies are a nightmare. And when they're up, they're twice as worse.

Yes. First thing that child does while I'm getting ready, like I wake up, I say, okay, go to the kitchen.
I'll be there in a minute. You know, I'm waking up.
I'm splashing water on my face.

and and then and then i can hear the baby

and i'm like oh now the baby's up and i walk in and my son's standing at the crib and they're playing games and i'm like what are you doing and he's like it's time to wake her up and i'm like no it's not it's never time to wake her up you never wake a baby up if that baby slept until it was five years old it'd be too early to wake up

If I could pump milk straight into its vein and keep it sleeping until it can talk, walk, and shit for itself, then I would.

because that's what babies are supposed to do look at all those pictures on facebook everyone's sleeping

because that's what babies should do

why did you do that child

so now a number of us are up in the kitchen and uh let me tell you something astrid does this every day but i do not do this every day she is the morning person i am the night person that's how it goes in this family i take you know i do the sleeping stuff and play with them in the afternoons astrid is up in the morning and does all the important stuff so that I could just play with them in the afternoon.

Exactly. Honestly, I've seen this.
I have seen this. It's a true story.

So I go to the refrigerator, and Astrid has left me the breakfast, the lunches for the kids to go to school with. She has prepared notes for this lady, Noemi, who comes and helps us every day.

I mean, every Tuesday and Thursday, she comes and helps around the house. She has prepared notes for Noemi on what to do and how to make it and get it all done.

And

she made pancakes for the kids. So I heat up the pancakes.
I put them in front of

a couple of the children and I said, there, breakfast. Daddy, what? Where's mommy? She's in Miami.
What time is she going to be home?

Probably like, you know, five, six o'clock. I don't know.
Why?

I don't want pancakes. Can mommy make me something else? And I'm like, I'm standing right here.
You don't want me to make you something else?

I don't think so. Oh, no.

When your kids know you're a bad cook, it's a bad day at the office. When your kids don't even want your food, it's a bad day at the office.

So I'm like, listen, you eat those pancakes and you shut the fuck up. Do you hear me? I don't want you.
I don't want to hear another word. Let's have chocolate chips in them.
Mom made them with love.

And there's, what do you want? Pringles? Because I can make you Pringles. Is that what you want? Sour cream and onion Pringles? Would you like those for breakfast? You could do your ramen noodle dish.

You want some ramen noodles with Mexican cheese, sour cream, jalapenos, hot sauce, and crackers? Yeah. And the daddy special? Yes.

Get you right off to school, right in the right way. You shit yourself before lunch.

Yes. Chrissy, breakfast is insane.
I mean, it's insane. I got pancakes in front of all these children.
None of them want them, right? They're chocolate chip pancakes. Who doesn't want chip?

I want chocolate chip pancakes, but I'm too busy to eat anything because you know why? Because

I'm an idiot. I don't know any of this stuff.
I'm trying to get the lunches into the bag. I'm like, I got to get a water.

Everyone.

Now all my kids are up and I'm like, oh, oh, shit, kids, we got to leave in 30 minutes.

Everybody, no one's eating their breakfast. Everybody, quick, stuff your breakfast.
And I'm throwing pancakes down everyone's throat. I'm literally putting pancakes into one of my daughter's throats.

I'm like, you're going to eat this, and you're going to like it, and you're going to take it because that's what mommy left for you. And there's no other option.

You will literally starve or you will eat this fucking pancake. That's what's going to go on.
And you're going to do it right now without complaint. And then she goes, Daddy, we need to do my hair.

That's right. I wondered about the hair.
I have been sweating this for days, for two days since I knew that she was going to Miami. Because she likes her hair done so pretty.

Oh, she wants the Princess Leia. She wants the bobtails.
She wants it down. She wants multiple twists and braids.

This girl will not leave the house unless she feels her hair has been done appropriately by somebody. No.
And I'm telling you right now, I am not that somebody. It's so cute.
It does.

And she is the one who tells Astrid how to do her hair.

But Astrid knows all the ways to do her hair. Right.
Right. I always see them in the morning when I wake up in the morning.

You know, a lot of times I'll take the kids to school, but I just wake up and literally just

shove them into the car and go. Yeah.
I don't even take a shower. I'm just like, hey, just go.

I see Astrid all the time. You know, they're in there for hours, I don't know, days doing that, those hair things.

And I'm like, I don't have so I told Astron before she left, I said, What do I do with this one's hair? And she goes, Well, just put it in a ponytail.

Yeah, put just put it in a ponytail is like telling me to build a con quantum computer.

Just throw a little knowledge in there, you'll be fine.

Look at some Instagram videos from fathers that are much better than you. And boom, quantum ponytails.

I am literally looking up those goddamn dad Instagram accounts trying to figure out those better dads than I am doing their daughter's hair all in whoopy-doopy and sending them out the door.

I don't know the first fucking thing about hair. I've dated a lot of girls with ponytails.
I'm only good at taking them off, not putting them back in. What do you want me to do? Right.

So now I'm negotiating with my daughter.

She's standing on this little stand in front of her mirror in the kids in the kids' bedroom. Hair is all like this.
She's got beautiful hair, but it is thick. So, when thick and curly, yeah.

And so it's all curly and out to hear. And I'm like, I definitely can't send you like this.
And I'm like, listen, can I just do a ponytail? I don't want a ponytail. What do you want?

I want a double cross braid. And I'm like, what the fuck is a double cross braid, huh? I don't know what that is.
And she's like, well, mommy does it. Daddy, what? Can we call mommy?

I said, no, we can't call her. She's on an airplane.
So we're going to have to do this together. Can you, can you, can we work together? Okay, let's work.

So, unbelievably, because this one refuses to wear what she doesn't want to wear and look how she doesn't want to look. If she doesn't like it, she's not doing it.

But unbelievably, in one moment of grace, in this whole goddamn thing, she felt sorry for me and she said, fine.

So now I'm like, that's awesome. How the fuck do I do a ponytail?

How do I do that?

And she's like, Daddy, take the water, spray, and then the stuff in the thing. She's pointing at the things that I need to do, right?

And so now I'm spraying water all over her face, her hair, and her clothing, right? And then I'm pulling it back. She's like, ow, ow, ow, daddy, ow, ow.

And I'm like, I don't know.

I see people do this on horses all the time. They don't yell like this.

Please, just give me a break. I don't know.
I don't know how to do this.

So finally, I get it wet enough. I put this purple like conditioner, tangle, like detangler conditioner.

I take a little bit, Chrissy, I'm talking like a little bit, a little circular dollop on my hand, and I put it on her hair, and it sticks right to her scalp. And I can't smooth it out.

It's like this big, goopy white shit on the back of her head. And I'm like, and I'm trying to like, you know, put it in the hair, like smooth it out, push it around.
It's not going anywhere.

It's just sitting right there, this big glop of white and i'm like oh fucking motherfucker

so i finally i get out the brush and the second i get out the brush it's tangle city and i and i just can't push that shit around enough and she's like oh oh daddy can we call mommy oh oh no we're not calling mommy

So I finally, and I mean, it took me a good 10 minutes. I finally managed to get like, so that it didn't have like a big white patch in the back of her head.

It looked semi-normal, but really kind of weird and wet. And I have it in my hand.
I have the ponytail in my hand. And I'm like, okay, what do I do now? I guess I put a little, you know,

elastic. The elastic band on there.
Yes.

Chrissy, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to loop that band.

So I keep yanking her hair through these, I'm twisting it, I'm turning it, I'm yanking it. And she's, oh, daddy, ow, ow, ow.
The poor girl's head is at a 90-degree angle staring at my face.

And I'm like yanking it down. I'm like, I don't know.
I don't know how to do this.

And

I got her into a

ponytail. And let me tell you something.
I got it into a ponytail. And the second that I got it into that ponytail, the second she stepped off that thing, all of a sudden the hair's pulling out.

So now she's got these random, like frizzy pieces of hair sticking everywhere. And I'm like, wow, that's beautiful.

So pretty. We really did a good job.
Look how pretty you look. And she's like swinging her hair back and forth.
She's like, thanks, Daddy. And I'm like, no problem.
She's like, I want a picture.

And I'm like, nope, nope, no picture needed. No picture needed.

And she's like, Daddy, I want a picture. Show mommy.

So I take a picture and I'm like, I'm going to send it to mommy right now. And she's like, let me see.
And I'm like, nope, nope. Yeah.
I was going to press delete.

I'm sending it to mommy right through the trash can.

See, you drag, you drop, you put it through the trash can, it goes right to mommy. Mommy's the trash can.

She looks at that picture and she looks at me and she's like, oh,

it's coming out. And I'm like, I know, babe.
But we just got to go. Like, we got to go.

It's pajama day at the school. Go.
Yeah, that probably helped. It did help, except my son, who wants to wear

red. One of my sons wants to wear red Christmas socks pulled up above his knee, knee socks, Christmas socks, my Christmas socks.

He wants to put my Christmas socks on above his knee and then wear like a Super Mario pajama shorts and short sleeve. And I'm like, son,

you, you kind of look like a crazy

Swedish person.

You look like you're about to yell out for some cough lozenge or something. Like you're about to blow in one of those horns.
Oh, right, right with the knee socks.

Like the yodeler.

Meanwhile, the daughter who just got her hair done wants to wear a red frozen dress with bright pink pants under it and then ballet shoes to school. These two kids look like they have been dehomed.

It looks like a blind person took them for the morning.

So they're like standing at the front door, all of them just looking a hot mess. Hot fucking mess.

And they go, let's take a picture for mommy. And now Astrid's like, show me a picture.
Right.

She's landed. She's like, how are things going? She's not even landed.
She's still on the plane. She's texting me, but she's like, Let me see, how are things going?

And I'm like, oh, everything's fine over here. They're hungry.
They haven't been fed. I'm pretty sure no one's beat her poop today.

I think I left their lunches out all night. I'm not sure they're still good.
And take a look, here they are. And she's like, Oh my god, that's her response.
Oh my god.

Now she's worried that the people at school are going to be like,

She's like, What? Make sure to tell the teachers that I'm in my

make sure to tell the teachers I had nothing to do with this.

And I'll tell you what those teachers said right after this break. We'll be back.

Okay, you're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at TCB. It's pretty simple.
Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute.

Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid too? You know you do.
Leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822.

You can be on the show too.

Just call and say something. Anything.
Or text us and we'll text you right back. Promise.
Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker.

It's your constitutional right to a sticker and we must abide. You get the point.

Follow us on Instagram at thecommercial break and watch all the episodes on video at youtube.com/slash thecommercial break. Best to you and Astrid, especially Astrid.

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All right. So I managed to get everybody out of the door, and I managed to get them out of the door with like five minutes to spare.
Like, I know we're a little bit early.

And I'm like, oh, this is awesome. I'm going to be dad of the year when I show up.
The kids are dressed. They're going to have something for lunch.
They're alive. That's the thing I'm most proud of.

They are alive, yes. And so I take the baby, I stuff her in the car.
13 children pack into the, you know, 1973 Honda Volkswagen we have. And we just like Honda Volkswagen.

I'm picturing like that Clark Griswold station. Oh my God, Chrissy.
Everyone's packed into the car and I'm, you know, buckling them all up. You got everyone's got a seat, so you got a buckle.

And, you know,

they're all constrained so tightly. It's kind of weird, actually.
And everyone looks a hot mess. And I am now exhausted, like just exhausted.

And I'm thinking to myself, goddamn angel I have on my side with Astrid. Please do not let that plane fall out of the sky.
Please, please, because I need her desperately.

for so many reasons, personal and selfish. Not to mention the children just need Astrid because she is so good at this.
And I, you know,

I've had some friends who have been single mothers, and I always knew it was tough.

And I spent a lot of time with them, and a couple of them I dated, and I knew just how tough it was because I saw them.

But they were older children that could take care of themselves, like shit and wash and clean, you know, all the things, feed themselves, and do all that.

And I always thought to myself, I am really admiring how much it takes to be a single parent.

And just a 15-hour window made me understand that it would be almost impossible to do this by yourself. Almost impossible.
So

I agree. We're in the car.

I got everybody buckled up, which is like a 10-minute thing to do, right? And I start pulling out of the driveway.

And my daughter, the same one with the hair and now the frozen dress with the bright pink, you know, leggings on, goes, daddy, do we need to do this one? She's completely unbuckled. And I'm like, oh,

yes. This is the second time this has happened in two months, by the way.
One time, Astron and I were in the car, and we took this like long trip somewhere, and we got home.

And when we got home, Astrid's like, the kid, the

daughter, my daughter goes, I made it the whole ride without this. And we were like, oh, shit.

They do have a lot of buckles. Yeah, there's a lot of buckles.
And all of them have buckles. And I just forgot this one.
I went, you know, what are you going to do?

I figured, you know, 17 out of 18 isn't bad. Right.
It's not bad. I have a pretty good batting average.

Just the safety feature.

Yeah, just the part that actually keeps them in the chair should an accident occur. It's not buckled, but she's in her seat, technically.

So we drive up to that school, and we are the first ones there for drop-off, which is great. I'm like, this is amazing.
Look at me.

Look at me. I did.

I am thinking, my day is over. Everything, I just did it.
I just got a couple hours in the afternoon to make it, and that's it, right?

Now I can just take the baby home, the one that doesn't go to school. I just take the baby home.
Noemi is there. She can help me a little bit.
We get lunch prepared for the kids.

Everything will be fine now. I get to that school, and the teachers come out, and they're all in pajamas.
So everybody's in pajamas.

The teachers come out to grab the kids from the carpool line, and I get them out.

And the teacher, who happens to be one of my son's actual homeroom teachers, is like, oh, wow, everybody looks so nice.

And I'm like, yep, I did it all myself. Aster went to Miami today.
She goes, I noticed.

I thought to myself,

this is not the normal. This is not what I usually see.

And I know you drop them off a lot, but normally they look like human beings. Now they look like animals.
Okay, it's okay. I'll take them in.

I noticed it when I'll redo the ponytail. I noticed that when my daughter, who had the hair incident, got home, her ponytail was redone.

I knew that would happen with the teacher. Come here, honey.
Some teacher took pity on her

and did it.

So I go, we close the door. That was just me and the baby in the car.
And the second that we leave, that baby has a holy fucking meltdown. Oh, no.

Probably because she knows now it's just me with Daddy. I'm fucked.
Leave me at school. I know I've never been, but today could be my first day to only be alone with him.

She's screaming to the teachers like,

Help!

I haven't even had my milk this morning.

Oh my god. We get home, and thank the Lord there is another mother in the house, Noemi, who is a mother herself.

And she, like, as soon as I walk in the door, by the way, Noemi's just standing there like this with her hands up. Give her to me.
Before you kill her, give her to me. That's just best.

It's time I take her. Yeah.

It's like those cop movies where at the end, everyone's pointing guns at each other, and some cop is like, put the gun down. Just put it down.
It's not worth it. You don't want to do this right now.

That's how Noemi was. Put her down.
Just put her down. Give her to me.
Come on. Just give it to me.
Put her on the ground.

So she does. I do a little bit of work.
You know. Yeah.
I come back. I put her for a nap.
And now all of a sudden, it's time to pick the kids up from school.

I literally did two things and now it's time to pick the kids up from school. And I'm like, geez, that went fast.
I was hoping I'd get a nap and whack off. I don't know.
I had to do something.

I could do something while Astrid isn't here.

I could look at my, you know, old pictures of Sears catalogs and get a jerk off in there. I don't know.
Something cool. A little nap right after that.
I know. I barely had time to shower.

Now I got to go right back out the door. It's amazing.
It's amazing. I go, I pick up the kids.
You know, hey, kids, how is school? You know, I noticed that the ponytail was redone.

The socks were put in the appropriate place.

And the kids ate every bit of their lunch. By the way, they never do that.
There is always some bit of food left. And we're always kind of fussing at them.
Like, you got to eat all your food.

Like, what are you doing? You know, you got to eat all your food. Nope, not this time.
Every bit of the lunch was gone

because they didn't get a proper breakfast because they didn't like what daddy was serving them. They were so hungry by the time lunch came that they had to eat every little bit.

So now we got to go. We got to get home.
We got to hang out for a minute, get a little snack, and then we got to go to activities. Gymnastics, ballet.

agenda for today, right? I got to get them there by a certain time. So, Noemi helps me get the hair done again.

We dress up inappropriately. Like, I had to, I had to take a phone call, probably about maybe 30 minutes before we were supposed to leave.
I finished that phone call.

When I came out, Noemi is getting them all dressed. So, and I didn't even ask her to do this.
Noemi, she just knew she knew. She's like, this guy is just poor dude.

He was really left to the wolves here. Even though I have a note, messages, you know, videos showing me how tutorials from from Astrid on the iPad.
I can't do any of it.

I'm like, I'm pretty, I'm pretty, I'm getting like a D-minus here on, on, they're alive, so that gives me a passing grade, but barely. Oh, yeah.

We get into the car, we drive down, not very far, we drive down and we go to this big,

you know, like a neighborhood

gymnasium is what it is, right? The local gymnasium where they have all the activities.

And they're both supposed to be there at the exact same time, one of them for a 45 minute class, one of them for a 55 minute class. So I don't know how Astrid does this.

But the first person I drop off is ballet. I'm like, ballet.
And I get there and I know one of the ladies because the kids go to school together. So it's like, we're all friendly.
Yeah.

So she happens to be there. And I'm like, oh, thank God.
And so I'm like, listen, can you just hang out here with this one for a minute while I go take that one?

And she's like, oh, is today the day Astrid's in? She said you might need some help.

And I'm like, what, is there like a special board for moms to talk about when dads are going to fuck shit up? Yes.

Astrid alerted everyone. Astrid alerted everyone.
So I go, I take the other one. I take, you know, my son over to his gymnastics class.

I run back over to the other side of the building where my daughter is taking this ballet class.

And now there's like, you know, five mothers that are, that are there for the kids with the girls with the ballet class. And they're all like, oh, where's Astrid?

And I'm like, oh, she, you know, she's down in Miami today. And they're like, oh, do you need anything? Can I help you out with anything? And I'm like, yeah, could you take them? Right.

Can you just take them? And I'll go pick up Astrid and I'll come back and get them later.

So the whole, and here's, here's a funny part. So this lady that we know who is super sweet and we love her, she knows that we have the podcast.

We've been over to this person's house for dinner and her husband and I, and I like them both. They're really cool people.

Like, I'm standing, there's a seat here, and then there's the window where you can look in here, and there's a, it's like in this big hallway, and there's all these mothers that are crowded around, not only for the ballet class, but for other classes.

All these mothers, mainly mothers. I don't see another dude in the mix, right? It's all moms.
And everyone's chatting and chatting and chatting.

And this lady that I know starts talking to me, and she starts talking about the show, right? Like, oh, I remember you had this episode, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Chrissy, I have never run so fast in my entire life.

It's only seven steps away, but I took those seven steps so quick right toward her, and I was like in her face whispering. I'm like, yeah, that was a good episode.

We should probably not say anything else about it. Yeah, let's just drop it.
Here in front of people that in the community that probably aren't going to like the show,

don't talk about it.

It's like the incubus. Don't talk about the incubus.

So I'm darting back and forth between the two classes. And now I see that my son has gone in this huge gymnasium where they have like real gym meets, right?

He has gone behind this big curtain with the class.

My daughter gets done first. I grab her, we go, we sit, we were waiting on these bleachers, but I can't see my son because he's behind this big curtain with a bunch of other kids.

And I'm like, this is fine. I'll sit here.

I'll watch, you know, I'll see them when they come back to go up the stairs to come near the bleachers and go out the door. I'll see them, no problem.
So I'm sitting there.

My daughter runs up to see somebody. She knows, you know, she's like, oh, my friend's up there.
Can I go? Yeah, go, you know, you can go sit up there. there.
Blah, blah, blah. I'm sitting there.

I'm just waiting. I'm watching.
I'm so exhausted. But I'm like, okay, I'll see him when he comes.
I know what he's wearing, you know, and blah, blah, blah, blah.

Well, he's supposed to be done at 4.10. 4.10 comes and goes.
Now it's like 4.12, 4.13. And now I see outside that there's a bunch of parents are grabbing their kids from these activities.

And I'm like, I didn't see him.

Where is he? And now I'm getting a little bit concerned. Of course.
Yeah. So I say, hey, daughter, come down here.
Let me, you know, we got to go find your brother. And so I'm walking around.

Now I'm walking around the building. Now it's like 4.15, 416, 417.
And I'm like, oh my God, where did he go? Like, is he done? Is he not done? Is he behind the curtain?

And then I go and I look where they put their shoes, like for the activities, they put their shoes and I can see his shoes are still there, but he is not there. And I'm like, he's nowhere.

And there's hundreds of people walking around this building. And it's a big building.
Yeah.

And I have, for just one minute, for just a minute, I have an absolute panic attack. This is the most

panic feeling in the the world.

And I've never really had this moment with my children. Astrid had the exact same situation happen a couple months ago, but I've never had it.
And I am panicked. Now I'm holding my daughter.

I'm running around the gymnasium like a madman. Like, where is my son? Has anybody seen my son? See my son? He's got socks up to his knees.
Have you seen him? He's got, he's got my Christmas socks on.

And parents, what I like about most parents is they get concerned with you.

They're like, did you find him? Do you know where he is? You see him? What's he wearing? And so I'm like, oh, gosh, where is he? Where is he?

Now Now I'm thinking about running down on the gym mat where all these like professional athletes are. I mean, these girls that are like 13, 14 years old, they're like real deal gymnasts.

They're doing 40 flips in the air and they're all practicing for a big meet that's tomorrow. And so I.
I didn't give a shit. I'm like, I'm going down there.

I'm walking through that mat and I'm going to go find my kid. I'm going to ask that coach where he dropped my kid off.
Right. And so I run into the gym to go do this.
I've got my daughter.

I'm totally panicked. And all of a sudden, I can feel someone hitting me on my back.
And I turn around, and it's my son. And he's upset because he's like, Daddy, I

and there's a lady with him. And she's like, He was in the ladies' restroom.
And I was like, What? And she goes, He was in the ladies' restroom looking for his mommy. And I was like, Oh,

I go, I thank you so much. Like, thank you so much.
And I'm like, Son, where did you go? And he's like, I didn't see you. So I thought maybe mommy took the other one to go to the bathroom.

It was confusing. I went in the boys' bathroom.
I went in the girl's bathroom. I checked over there.
And I was like, oh my God. So he is freaking, right?

He's stressing hard. He's like, I didn't see you.

And I'm like, oh, my God, son, you went, stay with the shoes. When in doubt, stay with the shoes.
You can't talk to strangers.

And he's like, I had to talk to a stranger because I was in the girls' bathroom.

We get the kids home.

I get them bathed. I feed them dinner.
And now everybody, it's time for bed. So I'm like, okay, I'm going to start doing the bedtime routine.

But it comes apparent and very quickly becomes apparent that I have no idea how to get these kids to bed separately. How do you do that? They're babies.
They're children.

They're toddlers. Like, how do I put one to bed in a room while the other two are safely somewhere else? You can't do that.
You have to keep your eyes on them all the time.

So we all had to stay up till mommy got home and everyone was tired and fucking upset and stressed. And all they wanted was mommy.

So I am literally watching her Uber from the airport and I'm giving up to it.

And they're asking me every three minutes, where's mommy? And I'm like, she's 38 minutes away. And one of my kids goes, that's so long.

And I'm like, has it been that bad with me? Yes. That's his response.
Yes.

So they're like, well, fuck YouTube.

There you go. How do you like that?

You think the last five years with you has been all dandy?

Now's an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. We're like yelling at each other.
Take everybody out. I push them out on the front porch and and i say fine

let's all wait for mommy right here let's go outside let's go outside we'll wait for mommy i know i want her just as bad as you do let's just go outside and wait for her

so we are literally all outside uh everyone's dancing because they know mommy's coming home

here comes mom

in the Uber

she's gonna save our life and feed us some actual food Oh, here comes mom.

The one who's raising us. Let's get rid of this bum in the back.

Mommy, mommy, mommy.

And I have to admit my defeat. I just have to admit my defeat.
I'm like, okay, I didn't do a great job. What do you want? You're still alive.

You almost got kidnapped.

I'm pretty sure I pulled most of your hair out. You didn't get fed, but you know what? You're alive.
While you're alive.

That's better than some people. That's better than Biscuit, the dog from the South Dakota governor or whatever his name was.
Biscuit or Cricket.

When that Uber pulled up, let me tell you, I didn't even care that my kids were running into the driveway.

They're all like, ah, poor Astrid has just had a day in Miami. And she's like, ah.

And I don't care one bit. I was just as happy to see her.
I was like, god damn, woman, you can never do this again. I know.
Now she's planning a girls trip and I'm like, the hell you will.

The hell you will. You better get your parents down here.

Because that's the only way that trip's happening. I'm telling you what.

Oh, well.

Oh, it all's well that ends well. Yes, yes.
Astron's back.

Back on the job and

you have a whole new appreciation. I love her.
I love her so much.

For such good reason.

She is the engine in this proverbial vehicle. She makes it go.
And I don't. I don't.
I pour gasoline occasionally. Yeah.
I pour gas in the tank by making some money.

Well, not right now, but at some point I will.

At some point I'll get a real job and stop with all this bullshit.

But you know what? I think we're too far in. Ah, yeah.
I don't know where we go from here. I really don't.
We've painted ourselves into a corner. We totally have.
have.

It's either start another podcast or

just be unemployed. The only problem is this company would have to make money for us to collect unemployment.

Can I file for unemployment on my own company? I don't know. Maybe I can.
Let's figure it out.

Oh, my God. Big props to Astrid, to all the mothers and fathers and single parents out there.
You know who you are. This story has probably resonated with you to the bone.

To to the bone i know it has and those of you that don't have children i'm sorry to bore you with my children's story but i hope you got a laugh out of it anyway

oh yeah i can picture oh my god all right listen i know that uh it's little talked about but it's a great app i'd love you to go to the odyssey app a-u-d-a-c-y there's a link in our show notes go to the odyssey app download that app and listen to us on the odyssey app it's our home and we'd love it if you would uh listen to us through the odyssey app and they'd love it if you'd download the app so there you go Also, we want you to be a part of the show.

212-433-3TCB. That's 1-212-433-3TCB.
Toll-free from anywhere in the world. Text us or leave us a message.
Tell us you want to be on the show. Tell us why you want to be on the show.

Someone will get back to you and set up a time and a date.

I can't wait till we do that. I know.
We're starting next week, but we're recording next week. Yeah.

Also, tcbpodcast.com, that's where you go. More information about the show, all the audio, all the video, right there at one location.

You can also get your free sticker by hitting the contact us button.

Add the commercial break on Instagram, TCV Podcast on TikTok, and select episodes for right now on youtube.com/slash the commercial break. All right, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.

Bye, thanks.

But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you.
I'll say best to you. Best to you.
Best to all those parents out there in the podcast universe.

Until next time, Chrissy, and I always say we do say and we must say. Goodbye.

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