Hack Those Sticky Eyes!

Speaker 2 This episode is sponsored by Jack Archer. As a man, finding a good pair of pants can feel impossible.
Jack Archer's Jet Setter Tech Pants make that easy. These are the one pair you need.

Speaker 2 They're built with advanced fabric sourced from Japan that resists wrinkles, stains, and odors. Whether it's a long flight, a workday, or a night out, these pants do it all.

Speaker 2 With customizable fit options and thousands of five-star reviews, trust us, these are the one pair of pants you'll actually want to wear every day.

Speaker 2 And they just launched a matching blazer in the same unbelievable fabric, all for an amazing price of $249 for the suit. It's a no-brainer.

Speaker 2 For a limited time, get 15% off using the code getjack at jackarcher.com. Again, that's the promo code getjack at jackarcher.com for that 15% off, your entire order.

Speaker 2 And thanks to JackArcher for being a sponsor of the commercial break.

Speaker 2 This episode is sponsored by 5-Hour Energy. Caffeine just got a flavor upgrade with what they call tasty caffeine, 17 bold flavors that actually taste good.

Speaker 2 You know that midday moment when your brain just stalls out, but you still have a full list of things to do? Well, that's when I reach for a 5-Hour Energy shot.

Speaker 2 Each tiny two-ounce shot has about as much caffeine as a 12-ounce premium cup of coffee, but with zero sugar and zero crash.

Speaker 2 It's big flavor, packed into the smallest, easiest bottle, perfect for tossing in your bag, in your car, really anywhere.

Speaker 2 And since it's still fall, they've brought back the ultimate seasonal favorite, pumpkin spice. Ah, yes, pumpkin spice.

Speaker 2 A little cinnamon, a little swagger, sweet, rich, and totally cozy without being heavy.

Speaker 2 Fuel your day with tasty caffeine, available in store and online at 5hourenergy.com or get it delivered by Amazon. Give yourself a caffeine flavor upgrade with 5-Hour Energy Shots.

Speaker 2 Get yours in store and online, 5Hourenergy.com or on Amazon today.

Speaker 3 And welcome back to WSHIT's Focus on Community, a follow-up on a story 22 years in the making.

Speaker 3 Longtime Crab Apple residents will remember the short-lived but meaningful Russian Exchange Student Program that tugged at the hearts and and the souls of the citizens of this great township.

Speaker 3 And some with a keen mind will recall the very first Russian exchange student, 42-year-old Roman Rachmanovok.

Speaker 3 Roman was just a rather fresh-faced, middle-aged man studying opera at the local community college of Crabapple when he lost his chin, part of his tongue, and most of his nose in a terrible massage-related accident at Tinatan and Tweez.

Speaker 3 While Tinatan and Tweez continues to deny culpability, Roman harbors no ill feelings and made a triumphant return to the CrabApple Community Theater this afternoon to give a rousing performance.

Speaker 3 And with very little pun, CrabApple took this one on the chin. Here now, Roman, with the CrabApple Community Volunteer Orchestra, covering the Beatles, let it be.

Speaker 1 When I find myself in drives of trouble,

Speaker 1 Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom.

Speaker 1 Let it be.

Speaker 1 And in my arm and darkness,

Speaker 1 he is standing right

Speaker 1 and followed me.

Speaker 1 Speaking words, of we love

Speaker 1 let it be.

Speaker 1 Let it be,

Speaker 1 let us be, let it be, let it be.

Speaker 1 Whisper

Speaker 1 of with Lord, let it be.

Speaker 1 And when the light is cloudy,

Speaker 1 there are still a light and shine of me.

Speaker 1 All until tomorrow, let already

Speaker 1 I wake up to this house of music. Mother Mary comes for me.

Speaker 1 Speaking words of wisdom,

Speaker 1 let the ring

Speaker 1 bless me.

Speaker 1 Let a reality

Speaker 3 He may not be able to smell what you're cooking or put on a helmet properly, but on behalf of the township of Crabapple, let me be the first to say post drawing.

Speaker 4 On this episode of the Commercial Brick,

Speaker 1 if there was a secret that you could use some magic power, on occasion, I will admit, on occasion, a hackless.

Speaker 5 On occasion.

Speaker 1 And it's usually something your grandma was doing way back when.

Speaker 1 Like how to clean the microwave out with steam. And like some weird tribal writing in a cave that's been lost for a generation, but now we've found it again.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 like lemon and vinegar really does clean. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No Emmy taught us that one, and we're still surprised that vinegar is cleaning the house.

Speaker 4 The next episode of the commercial break starts now.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, guys and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Greene.
This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris and Joy Hovely. Best to you, Chris and

Speaker 1 best to you out there in the podcast universe. How the hell are you? Thanks for joining us on yet another episode of this, The Commercial Break.
The only one you're gonna need.

Speaker 1 Only one you'll ever need. Five minutes or less.
Raw dog it.

Speaker 1 I like that little finger movement you did too. You like that when I kind of swooped in? Uh-huh.
You have to check that on youtube.com slash the commercial break.

Speaker 1 Hey, that guy who does Dr. Phil, is it ryan long who does dr phil do you know who i'm talking about the comedian who does the dr phil live show have you seen this

Speaker 1 i think we've talked about it briefly on the show there's another uh podcaster and uh comedian i think his name is ryan long and he does like he gets a bald cap on he dresses up like dr phil and he does a whole live show called dr phil live oh wow where he goes up and he pretends he's dr phil he talks to celebrities he interacts with the audience it's really funny but my impression is better.

Speaker 1 That's all I got to say. Okay.

Speaker 1 You want to do a fill-off? We'll do a fill-off. I can do a fill-off.
This is going to be a changing day in your life. I'm telling you right now.

Speaker 1 Grass and green are on the other side, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Dr. Phil has found his way into controversy and infamy.
He has been quite the nidnick as of late, running around. Running around.
What happened to the Dr. Phil show? Couldn't he continue to do that?

Speaker 1 I think it was okay. I think my mom liked it.

Speaker 1 My mom was living it.

Speaker 5 It might have run its course, but for him to jump straight into ice, like

Speaker 1 what are you doing? Catching people. Catching people near the border? It's just make sure everything's going okay.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Okay. All right.
Dr. Phil.
Yeah, this is the part that really kind of gets me. And I don't want to go.
I'm not going to go off on a tangent. So just keep, stay tuned.

Speaker 1 Don't press pause just yet. Not going to go off on a tangent.
I'm just going to say this, and this will be it.

Speaker 1 It surprises me, and it infuriates me at times how content creators and other celebrities are just jumping over themselves to lick the balls of you know political figures that otherwise we would have just had a kind of a healthy distrust of like a a little bit of i don't know like a little bit of uh hmm i don't think i trust that guy because he's a politician but now everybody's like licking the balls as quick as they can and i get it because you don't certainly don't want to be on the bad side of a certain political party that may or may not exact revenge upon you.

Speaker 1 But then at the same time, like, shouldn't we have a little healthy disdain for our politicians and our higher-ups and our government? It doesn't matter who's in power.

Speaker 1 They're all going to fuck you.

Speaker 1 And so you might as well have a, you know, just keep one eye open when you're dealing with these people and to just run to get in the middle of the fray and the fruck is so that you can take it.

Speaker 5 You know. Well, I mean, he had plenty of money, I'm sure.

Speaker 1 Why did Dr. Phil? Yeah, why do I need to get back out there? Go enjoy.

Speaker 5 He was the

Speaker 1 him and Judge Judy were the number one syndicated talk shows, television shows in daytime TV. And daytime TV pays a shitload of money because it gets syndicated all over the place.

Speaker 1 And they throw those, I don't know, Tide commercials in there. And everybody loves it.
General Mills and Tide, they all spend their money in the afternoon. And that's big money.
You can make a Dr.

Speaker 1 Phil show probably for $50,000. If you have the set ready, you could probably make it without Phil's salary.
You could probably make it for $50,000.

Speaker 5 It was the Oprah's set anyways, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because it was Oprah. He's doing it with Oprah.
Thanks, Oprah. See, even Oprah, you should have a healthy disdain and distrust for it.
Now, I like Oprah.

Speaker 1 I don't know her, but I can't say too much. I like Oprah because my mom liked Oprah.

Speaker 1 Oh, I love Oprah. I love Oprah because my mom, ballsy a woman as she is, decided to do the following.
Let me tell you the story.

Speaker 1 It is, there is a famous period of time with the Oprah Winfrey show when Oprah was everything. Oprah was everything in the 90s.
Everything.

Speaker 1 And they used to run these commercials, and here was the tagline. It was like a promo commercial for Oprah, and they'd be showing clips of her show, and there'd be a little diddy in the background.

Speaker 1 And that diddy was, Oprah's on, gotta make it because Oprazan.

Speaker 1 Oprah's on, gotta make it because Oprah's on. Right? So the thing was, is everybody was saying, oh, Oprah's on.
We gotta go watch Oprah.

Speaker 1 So my mom picked us up from school one time, three o'clock. That carpool was no joke.
Sometimes you get stuck there till 3:15, 3:30, just waiting for your kids to get to your car.

Speaker 1 It was a holy shit of a process like it is now with my kids. It's like, holy fuck, this is so inefficient.
Why do we do it this way? But anyway, that's not for me to decide.

Speaker 1 That's for me to suffer through. I'm not going to decide things.
I'm going to suffer through. So my mom picks us up.

Speaker 1 Swear to God, driving through my neighborhood, and there are a number of stop signs, but we're in this neighborhood that no cop has ever visited for any reason besides maybe some drama that happened inside the neighborhood.

Speaker 1 Cops don't sit there and clock people. It's a neighborhood, like a private neighborhood.

Speaker 1 Well, my mom blows through a stop sign, and when the cop pulls her over, my mom is so agitated that she tells the police officer, can you hurry up? Oprah's on.

Speaker 1 Oprah's on. My mom had to make it to see Oprah.
She's willing to kill her kids.

Speaker 5 Did he speed things up?

Speaker 1 He did not speed things up. In fact, I think he slowed them down.

Speaker 1 Yes, because that's the way it works. It's not a great excuse.

Speaker 1 But my mom, we've been watching Oprah since we were kids in Chicago when she had a non-syndicated show, when it was just broadcast locally. locally, and it was a different type of show back then.

Speaker 1 But my, I just remember my mom would cry at the Oprah show, she would laugh at the Oprah show. It was like Oprah was her best friend.

Speaker 1 And so, for me, as a little child, as a toddler and a little kid, watching

Speaker 1 Auntie Oprah, she was what? Auntie Oprah, auntie Oprah. That's that's what it felt like.
Yes, it felt like I had an extra aunt, and her name was Oprah, and Oprah was omnipresent in our lives.

Speaker 1 And whatever Oprah said went. So, I have an affinity for Oprah.
It doesn't mean that you know Oprah's done all the wonderful, most wonderful things in the world, including hoarding land in Hawaii.

Speaker 1 But okay, let's get past that. She dropped a holy shit bomb on us twice.
Not once, but twice, with Dr. Phil and then Dr.
Oz. God damn it.
Dr. Phil and Dr.
Oz Oprah? Really?

Speaker 5 Dr. Phil? Well, they morphed into people that were not who they portrayed themselves to be in the beginning, I think.

Speaker 1 And I didn't see the Oprah Winfrey Network running from that. Do you know what I'm saying? They collected that cash.

Speaker 1 That's all I got to say. I didn't see her running from that.
Dr. Phil, listen, at first, Dr.
Phil?

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah, straight talk.

Speaker 1 Straight talk, Dr. Phil.
You know, my husband's cheating on my wife's cheating on my uncle, cheating on my brother. And he'd be like, this is going to be a changing day in your life.

Speaker 1 Do you think you should be sticking your dick in your mother? No.

Speaker 1 That's right. You shouldn't be sticking your dick in your mother.

Speaker 1 Let's talk turkey here, guys and girls. We shouldn't be sticking dicks in our mothers.
You understand? You agree with me? And everybody'd be like, oh, finally, someone said it.

Speaker 1 You shouldn't have sex with your mother. And it was Dr.
Phil. And we were all like, Dr.
Phil, Phil, it was straight talk when it's needed. That's right.

Speaker 1 But then it turned into like, catch me outside, girl. Like, you know what I'm saying? Catch me outside.

Speaker 1 He was doing, he was, it was straight up.

Speaker 5 As we know, content is hard to consistently keep up with. And I think, you know, they all kind of turn the way of the, of the crazy.

Speaker 1 Jerry Springer show. That's right.
They devolve. And if you've watched the Jerry Springer Netflix documentary, which is very good, by the way, then you'll see how quickly that happened.

Speaker 1 Because guess what? That's where the ratings are. We love a train wreck.
And to me, Dr. Phil, toward the end, a lot of it was just like poverty porn, if I'm being honest.

Speaker 1 It was just bringing on a lot of people who didn't have a lot of money, were in tough situations that probably

Speaker 1 any of us could find ourselves in, but they happened to be in it, and then exploiting that situation for ratings, sometimes in three or four episodes. But Ryan Long does a pretty funny Dr.
Phil.

Speaker 1 I will say that.

Speaker 1 Back to Ryan Long. Be funny.
Hurry up. Be funny.

Speaker 1 Hurry up and be funny. I'll tell you what's not funny, Chrissy.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Puke. Puke is not funny.
I don't find puke to be funny. No.
I hate puke. Who loves it? Well, I mean, I don't think there's any.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 There are puke lovers out there.

Speaker 1 There is a sexual fetish. No.
Yes. I'm not even kidding.
Not even joking. I cannot believe you put that in my mind.
Yeah. Well, hey, listen, I'm not putting it in your vagina.

Speaker 1 I'm just putting it in your mind.

Speaker 1 There's a sexual fetish out there for people who puke. They like to be puked on.
That's a thing. I don't know.
I know. It's absolutely horrid.

Speaker 1 we all went to school and every school had that bag of orange flavored sawdust that they would throw on puke that did nothing but make the puke smell like orange flavored puke yeah that's it

Speaker 1 it was

Speaker 1 a whiff of that oh yeah i still smell it to this day as a matter of fact i went into my kids school the other day and there was a pile of that orange

Speaker 1 yeah they still use the same shit to suck up the puke can't they use oxyclean or something yeah isn't there like something like a puke machine don't they have like a puke robot that comes and like you know i will now clean up your puke yeah

Speaker 1 or something there should be we need to invent that boston dynamics needs to invent screw all that soldier bullshit invent a robot that goes and cleans up puke on your behalf without making it smell like orange deodorant puke do you know there's got to be somehow you know like a carpet like the abyssal steam you know yeah green green thing that yes you can use there's got to be something and it just like combine a roomba and a steam cleaner yes it's got a big mouth on the bottom of it, like a fish mouth, and it just, it just sucks up the puke.

Speaker 1 It puts it in a bag, like a sanitary bag, and then it drives it to a far-off location and puts it on a rocket and sends it to outer space. Yeah, it explodes.
That's right.

Speaker 1 Because puke and shit. I mean, if you know me, if you listen to the show, then you will know that I just have a real

Speaker 1 problem with pee-pee-poo-poo. and puke.
It's like bodily fluids are not my thing at all.

Speaker 5 And then you had 30 30 kids.

Speaker 1 And then I had 30 kids. And now they're all, it's coming out of every direction.
It really is.

Speaker 1 It was a couple of years ago when two of my kids got sick at the exact same moment. And Astrid happened to be out with her friends that night.
And they got sick at the exact same moment.

Speaker 1 One sat up out of bed, like shot up like something out of the exorcist and just started projectile vomiting.

Speaker 1 And then when the, then the other one who was in the same bed rolled over and started vomiting over the side of the bed within seconds of each other. It was insane.

Speaker 1 And so here I am carrying both kids, running into the bathroom, disrobing them, putting them in the shower. Well, that was a couple years ago.

Speaker 1 And then we had the projectile vomiting incident on the way home from my dad's house one time where the entire car was full of puke. I mean, my kid could not stop throwing up.

Speaker 1 And it was projectile and it was gross.

Speaker 1 Well, the other night.

Speaker 1 As I do, Chrissy, I was taking my third shower of the day. That's my wrap-up shower, my wrap-up shower for the night, and try and relieve some of my high blood pressure.

Speaker 1 I stand in the shower for 30 to 40 minutes, 40 minutes, catching up on whatever television I haven't had an opportunity to watch yet. So I'm taking a shower.

Speaker 1 It's 11 o'clock, 11:30 at night, and the door is closed. The door to my bedroom, the bathroom is closed.
And I hear the most ungodly bang, like boom, just a crashing sound.

Speaker 1 And I was, holy shit, what was that? Because everybody was asleep. And then as soon as I scream, what was that? Astrid comes popping through the door like a fucking Kool-Aid man, you know,

Speaker 1 crashing through the door

Speaker 1 with one of my youngest kids holding her facing forward, arms outstretched. And all I can see is just puke just pouring out of this child's mouth.
And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 It's on the glass of the shower. It's splashing on the floor.
And I say, give her to me. Give her to me.
Why I said that, I have no idea, but I just thought I was trying to be helpful.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I didn't think she would actually do it. She gives her to me, fully clothed.

Speaker 1 I'm in the shower completely naked, and now I've got this kid that's puking all over the place in my hands, fully clothed, now sopping wet. So I undress her real quick in the shower.

Speaker 1 I put the clothes off to the side in the shower, and I throw her up over the top of my shoulder.

Speaker 1 And I'm just like rocking her back and forth, like, oh, it's okay, it's okay, you know, and she's crying and she's upset because this is like one of the first times I think she's actually puked as a toddler.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 the warm water's running on top of us.

Speaker 1 I'm like, the warm water will calm her down and then I can just feel it Chrissy I can just feel the warm silky smooth flavors of macaroni and cheese and birthday cake running down the back of my body and I look over my shoulder and she's just like

Speaker 1 all over my back it's dripping into the shower I'm in a mess now and I don't know what to do. How will I get out? What will I do?

Speaker 1 Do I throw the child over the shower glass and hope that they land on their feet? Do I scream to like I'm this is now a choose your own adventure to me in my mind?

Speaker 1 Do I call Astrid and beg her to take this puking baby out of my hands? Or do I just man up, let her puke on me,

Speaker 1 clean her up when she gets done and hope that everything turns out okay?

Speaker 1 Well, I would have yelled to Astrid, but Astrid was cleaning the puke from the bed, like, you know, waking all the kids up and taking them off the beds and, you know, cleaning the puke.

Speaker 1 She had puked all throughout the whole bedroom. It was just, it was disgusting.
It was awful. The worst part about it was it had that smell.

Speaker 1 You know, sometimes you puke and it's got a smell, but it's not that bad. And then sometimes you puke and it smells like it's been ruminating for a couple of days.
Do you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 That distinct throw-up smell. And this was that.
And this was that. It was.

Speaker 1 So now I'm full of it. She's full of it.
The clothes are in the corner. There's puke all over the shower floor.
What do I do? Well, I just decide to man up and let it happen. Yeah, you have to.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You know, if you're not.

Speaker 5 You can't get in. You can't risk getting another area of the bathroom, pukey.

Speaker 1 Well, that's the thing, is that you might as well just let it all happen in the one place. And you're in the showers.
And I'm in the shower. It's running down.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's running down into the drain, which

Speaker 1 clean that up later. Yeah, clean that up later.
Well, I unscrewed the drain and I just like, you know, let it wash down. Listen, whatever.
It's going to the same place, right?

Speaker 1 It's going to the same place as the toilet water. What do I give a shit at the end of the day? And it wasn't, my kid is small relatively, so it wasn't like huge volumes of throw-up.

Speaker 1 It wasn't like I just had 13 bud lights and threw up all over the floor.

Speaker 1 So I just let it happen and then I rock her in my arms for like 20 minutes while Astrid is cleaning up the thing.

Speaker 1 I mean, the shower is just going and I'm there with the thought that someone has just thrown up on me and I'm in the shower and I can't tell you the pins and needles running up and down my back and my arm.

Speaker 1 You know, that like feeling like, oh, get it off me, get it off me.

Speaker 1 And I know it's off me because I've been sitting in the shower for 20 minutes, minutes, but I can't get rid of the thought that someone had thrown up on me. Well, it's not a stranger.
It's your child.

Speaker 1 She's a stranger when she's throwing up. That's not my child.
That's some demon child. That's some demon animal that's throwing fire out of her mouth.
She might as well be a bolt, like a live E.

Speaker 1 boli virus, as far as I'm concerned. It was disgusting.
And that was my thought, too. It's like, what if she has a virus? You know, that awful 24-hour stomach bug that you get

Speaker 1 where your body both had that six months ago or or so at different times and in different households it feels like august or october of last year like sometime in the late summertime i was surprised i mean you rarely as an adult get that rarely you know but when it is just oh i hate to throw up i hate it to begin with i hate when it's uncontrollable

Speaker 5 and you're just oh you're laying down and then getting back up and laying down getting back up oh when you

Speaker 1 are

Speaker 1 i remember being like there's nothing left there's there wasn't anything left but i i continued to go Yeah, I continued to go and wretch.

Speaker 1 And that's the worst part is I'd almost rather have something in there than wretch that bile, that green fucking bile.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Luckily, this was not that, so to speak. This was, I think, a combination of foods.
Like we went to a birthday party. There was ice cream and cake and cookies and Doritos.
A birthday party.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and you just let them do it. You say it on waiting.
You're just running. Running, jumping, bouncing.
Oh, it was at a trampoline park, too. There you go.
So there you go. Bouncing up and down.

Speaker 1 That was was it. And of course, dad's always spinning the kids around for some reason, you know, throwing them on the bed.
And that's my type of play with them.

Speaker 1 I just pick them up and throw them on the bed. I'm like, hey, there you go.
It is fun.

Speaker 1 But that, that, so this was not a virus-related thing. I think it was just a tummy ache type of thing.
But man, I'll tell you what.

Speaker 1 And I am so glad it wasn't because all I could think about laying down that night was please don't wake up in the middle of the night like I did six months ago. Yes.

Speaker 1 That was the time the kids, the kid, one of our children, was puking in the car. And it, oh, it was July because it was one of my kids' birthdays.

Speaker 1 And the next birthday was just a couple of days later. And we missed any activities for that birthday

Speaker 1 because we were so incredibly sick. Astrid and I got it almost within 12 hours of each other.
And we were

Speaker 1 hugging the porcelain. I mean, just like begging for mercy.
And the kids wouldn't like, and then the kids got better. And Astrid and I were still sick.
You were still sick. I remember that.

Speaker 1 You're like, would you record? Oh, my God. I was like, go go to McDonald's, buy all the happy meals you can,

Speaker 1 buy the movies.

Speaker 1 I don't care how little money we have. Just send them to Six Flags, get a babysitter, put them on a bus, send them to Marta, down Marta,

Speaker 1 send them to the airport and back. I don't care.
It doesn't matter. All reasoning goes when you're that sick.
You don't give a shit. You just want your children to leave you the fuck alone.
Please.

Speaker 1 Please. But no, there's no rest for the wicked.
Those kids don't stop. As a matter of fact, the worse off you are, the more irritating they get because they understand.

Speaker 1 They have an inherent sick sense. They know you're sick and they won't leave you alone.

Speaker 5 It's like being on the phone, too. Yes.

Speaker 1 You know, you've got an important phone call. Daddy.
Yes. The one time as a parent I've been hungover was the worst parenting day ever.
Not only because I was hungover, but because they knew it.

Speaker 1 They had an instinct.

Speaker 1 Like the cat. They have like cat-like reflexes and they jump on you and they pounce.
And they're like, hey, daddy.

Speaker 1 And you're like, my brain's about to bleed.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Peppa Pig is on. Can I turn on Peppa Pig and volume 50? Yeah, sure.
Okay. No problem, I guess.

Speaker 1 It's 6:15 in the morning. Time to wake up.
Daddy just got home at 3.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Parenthood, Daddy.

Speaker 1 Oh, excuse me while I vomit on you.

Speaker 1 Oh, it was terrible.

Speaker 1 maybe there needs to be like a one of those children's shows that's educational and you know where they they mimic a hungover parents yes and what to do what the child should be doing which is be very quiet be very quiet you know make up a little song a little parents are hungover song yeah is bluey is bluey gonna uh bluey gonna do an episode on hungover mommy and daddy they should yeah when in that movie we need to put a uh a section of that movie dedicated to hungover they haven't dealt with hungover yet but i could see uh Bluey and Bandit doing this really well.

Speaker 1 And you're right about this. Sesame Street needs to do an episode on mommy and daddy being hungover.

Speaker 5 Yes, or sick.

Speaker 1 Or sick. Yeah, you know, either way, same thing.
Yeah, so the mommy and daddy can get back to drinking.

Speaker 1 Listen, I have lots of, I have one friend in particular who did this the entirety of growing his, raising his children, but he had a wife that always took care of the children.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I'm saying? He always had an out. He had a card.
He would always say, I got to go to work, baby, I got to brainstorm about my work.

Speaker 1 I got to do a brainstorming sesh, which meant five days worth of cocaine and two bottles of whiskey an hour and cigarettes and all kinds of things.

Speaker 1 And he would always call me and he'd be like, bro, I got to do a brainstorming sesh.

Speaker 1 And one time I caught him out on my porch at like 5.30 in the morning, sun's just coming right up and he's out there on his computer, cigarettes, like five cigarettes in his mouth, you know, lines cut on a mirror.

Speaker 1 I solve the key. I solve the key to all the things that I need to see.

Speaker 1 And then he slept for two days. Right.
He slept for two days. Wow.
That's how it works. All right.
I got lots more to talk about. We'll be back.

Speaker 6 Hey, it's Rachel, your new voice of God here on TCB. And just like you, I'm wondering just how much longer this podcast can continue.

Speaker 6 Let's all rejoice that another episode has made it to your ears, and I'll rejoice that my check is in the mail.

Speaker 6 Speaking of mail, get your free TCB sticker in the mail by going to tcbpodcast.com and visiting the contact us page.

Speaker 6 You can also find the entire commercial break library, audio and video, just in case you want to look at Chrissy, at tcbpodcast.com. Want your voice to be on an episode of the show?

Speaker 6 Leave us a message at 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822.
Tell us how much you love us, and we'll be sure to let the world know on a future episode. Or you can make fun of us.
That'd be fine too.

Speaker 6 We might not air that, but maybe. Oh, and if you're shy, that's okay.
Just send a text. We'll respond.

Speaker 6 Now, I'm gonna go check the mailbox for payment while you check out our sponsors, and then we'll return to this episode of the commercial break.

Speaker 2 This episode is sponsored in part by Rula. You know, there was a time when I really needed therapy, but I could not find a therapist who took my insurance.

Speaker 2 I can remember feeling so stuck like I had to choose between getting help and staying on budget. That's why I think what Rula is doing is so very important.

Speaker 2 Rula makes therapy accessible and affordable by partnering with over 100 insurance plans. The average copay is around $15 per session, and depending on your benefits, it could even be less.

Speaker 2 They also take the time to find the right therapist for you, someone who understands your goals, your preferences, and your background. There's no waiting weeks or months for an appointment.

Speaker 2 You can start as soon as tomorrow and Rula stays with you along the way, checking in, supporting your progress, and helping you feel seen and cared for.

Speaker 2 Thousands of people are already using Rula to get affordable, high-quality therapy that's actually covered by insurance. Visit rula.com slash commercial to get started.

Speaker 2 And after you sign up, you'll be asked how you heard about them. Please support the commercial break and let them know we sent you.
That's rula.com slash commercial.

Speaker 2 You deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget.

Speaker 7 This is Free Range with Von Miller, the podcast where I step outside the lines and I take you with me.

Speaker 7 Each week, we're talking everything from the biggest stories around the league to the biggest stories off the field this isn't your average sports podcast this is game meets culture locker room meets living room and no topic is off limits so if you're into good conversations that ruffle a few feathers join me every wednesday and follow free range with von miller everywhere you get your podcast

Speaker 2 This episode is sponsored by our longtime sponsor, Squarespace. I am working on a new project, Information TBD.
It's very secretive.

Speaker 2 It's very hush-hush around here because, you know, podcast secrets are a thing. Anywho, there is only one all-in-one website tool that's designed to help my new project stand out and be successful.

Speaker 2 And that one tool is Squarespace. Squarespace can help me through every step of the process.
The launch, the scaling, the branding, and the growth.

Speaker 2 No matter what part of the journey I am on, Squarespace is an all-in-one website platform, so it'll cater to my needs every step of the way.

Speaker 2 There are so many benefits, services, and tools built into Squarespace, I would need a 10-minute commercial to name them all.

Speaker 2 Cutting-edge design, search engine optimization tools, domain management, analytics, email campaigns, the ability to host videos, and most importantly, the ability to get paid.

Speaker 2 So if you've been thinking about building or upgrading your website, now's the time to head to squarespace.com slash commercial for a free trial.

Speaker 2 And when you're ready to launch, make sure to use the offer code commercial to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. That's squarespace.com/slash commercial.

Speaker 2 Then be sure to use the code commercial when you're ready to launch. Squarespace has been with the commercial break for a long time, and we have been with Squarespace for even longer.

Speaker 2 This is a company we trust. It's a product we use, and there's one overarching reason why.
It makes my life easier. Go build yourself a beautiful website, squarespace.com/slash commercial.

Speaker 2 And thank you to Squarespace for being a sponsor of the commercial break.

Speaker 1 All right, hey we're back you know chrissy i'm always looking out for the listener i'm always just thinking about the listener i like to think that i'm selflessly thinking about the listener as i'm trolling around bikini pictures and making sure that the world of instagram is nippleless uh

Speaker 1 but sometimes i come across a trend that i think is important for some of our listeners to know and you know i think we have a few single listeners out there i hear from them every once in a while i get a text message or an email

Speaker 1 and just by the nature of the email you can tell that they're single or they should be single

Speaker 1 or there's a reason they're single, or there's a reason they're single. There's a trend on TikTok and Instagram going on right now.

Speaker 1 There's a girl who has taught everybody something called the sticky eyes. Have you heard about the sticky eyes? I have not.
Okay, let me let her explain in her own words. How's that?

Speaker 1 I'm going to put this up to the microphone because we don't have somebody to play this for. So,

Speaker 1 okay, wait, one second.

Speaker 5 Sticky eyes. Sticky eyes.

Speaker 1 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 8 This is one of my most powerful hacks.

Speaker 8 This is how to get anyone to come up to you in a bar or in a social setting.

Speaker 8 This is called sticky eyes. I invented this in college.
It is so powerful, but usually while I'm demonstrating to someone how to do it, I end up just doing it.

Speaker 5 And I'm not even giving it my all.

Speaker 1 First of all, this girl,

Speaker 1 there's no humility with this girl. I mean, she is, I invented this.
I invented it. You invented eyes? Did you invent eyes? Let's see what she has to say.

Speaker 8 I'm going to tell tell you how the hack works, and then I'm going to tell you why it works, okay? It's a simple formula. You pick your target, you stare at them until they look back at you.

Speaker 8 Once you make eye contact, you look away like you've been caught, okay?

Speaker 1 Now here is the next very important part.

Speaker 8 The next time

Speaker 8 that you look at them and they meet your eyes again, don't look away. Let them break first because they're going to check to see if were you really looking at me?

Speaker 8 And the second look will confirm that you were.

Speaker 8 And this time, you're going to have to hold it uncomfortably long, uncomfortably long. They have to look away first for this to work.
Once they look away, you never look at them again.

Speaker 8 And in about 45 seconds, they will be right in front of you as if they have been summoned psychically by you.

Speaker 1 Okay, this sounds just as dumb as anything Michael Anthony has said.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I was going to say, I feel like that's a take on whoever we were listening to that said, just go up and stare at them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just like cornered them.

Speaker 1 Put an arm up so they can't get away. I mean, this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Stare at them uncomfortably long and they'll come right to you. With a police officer, maybe.

Speaker 1 I mean, how many restraining orders do you have, young lady? This is weird. You don't just stare at somebody uncomfortably long.
That is a weird notion that that was.

Speaker 5 It was a two-part, it was a two-pronged approach.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you first look away.

Speaker 5 Yeah, stare at them until they look at you, then quickly look away. Then

Speaker 1 look at it.

Speaker 5 And then when they look back, then that's when you just stare. And then, wait, it was actually a three-pronged approach, right?

Speaker 1 Because then they will come right to you.

Speaker 5 No, well, then you look away and then you never look again.

Speaker 1 Don't ever look again. Throughout the entire relationship, they're down at your feet.

Speaker 1 So I noticed you staring at me. Nope, my shoes, those are my feet.

Speaker 1 What the fuck?

Speaker 5 Yeah, well, okay, so how is that even supposed to work? Then they just come up to you and say.

Speaker 1 It doesn't work. This girl, for some reason, thinks she's got some magic because she stared at a guy and he came to her.
Yeah, okay. Guys are pretty fucking dumb in general.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 You give a guy any attention. Yeah, she's a pretty girl.
I mean, she's attractive. You give

Speaker 1 if you have that girl staring at you and you're at a bar and you're single. Yeah.
Of course you're going to come hither. I mean, that's it.
That's that's the thing. Guys aren't.

Speaker 1 This is the thing, ladies. Guys are really not a riddle.
We're not a mystery. In case you haven't figured it out yet, we're pretty open,

Speaker 1 as far as books are concerned. We're pretty open books.

Speaker 1 if you give us any amount of positive attention or negative attention it's likely we're going to come hither like a puppy dog if we're single because that's that's just what we do we don't there's no magic to that you could just go up to a guy and say i think you're attractive come have a drink with me

Speaker 1 And if a guy has half a head on his shoulders and he's single and available or in a relationship that's, you know, ethically non-monogamous or whatever you're calling it these days, then of course he's going to come hang out with you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Do you know how many times this same trick has worked on me? None.
You want to know why? I didn't give a girl a chance to have the second stare. After the first stare, I was buying her a drink.

Speaker 1 That was it. Yeah.
Look at me once. I was literally scanning the bar for anyone to look at me.
And if you looked at me, you got a free Bud Light. That's what happened.
You play the odds.

Speaker 1 You send over Bud Light no matter what. Just Bud Light, Bud Light, Bud Light.
And if you don't like Bud Light, you're not for me. Then move on to the next one.
That's it.

Speaker 5 I saw you in action.

Speaker 1 I saw this happen. Was I in action? Boy, I would stare at the ladies.
Hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 1 It was usually the bartender. It was usually the bartender who was uncomfortable who'd ask to change shifts.
She'd be texting somebody. She'd be like, Can you cover my shift? Brian's back.

Speaker 1 The guy who stares? Yeah. Yeah.
The guy who stares. This is not a good idea.
I don't know why this is so complicated. Be yourself.

Speaker 1 Do your thing. Don't be a fucking creep ball.
Don't be staring at people endlessly until you try and make that like

Speaker 1 zoom them in with your magical powers. Just go and have a conversation with somebody.
And if it works, if there's magic, you'll know it. And if there's no magic, you'll know that too.

Speaker 1 And if there's magic that you're feeling and she's not or he's not, well, you'll figure that one out eventually. That one will come to you eventually.

Speaker 5 Well, you know, everybody's looking for a hack, quote unquote, too. And that's a lot.
I see a lot of this. Yes.
Could be anything. Cleaning hack, cooking hack, dating hack.

Speaker 1 We've hacked it. We've hacked.
Scott. We've done it.
It's the

Speaker 5 most of the time.

Speaker 1 There's no hack. It's not a hack.
There's no hack. Yeah.
I've seen all the cooking and cleaning hacks. You know,

Speaker 1 you know, how do you clean a dead body out of your basement? Doesn't work. Tried it.

Speaker 1 How do you make a million dollars podcasting? Tried it. Doesn't work.
Money Money hack. Money hack.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Investing hack. Investment hacks.

Speaker 1 Listen, if there was a secret that you could use some magic power, and on occasion, I will admit, on occasion, a hack was on occasion. And it's usually something your grandma was doing way back when.

Speaker 1 Like how to clean the microwave out with steam. And like some weird tribal writing in a cave that's been lost for a generation, but now we've found it again.
Yeah. That's so true.

Speaker 1 Like lemon and vinegar really does clean. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Noemi taught us that one, and we're still surprised that vinegar is cleaning the house better than any, you know, industrial lubricant

Speaker 1 cleaning solution we've ever used.

Speaker 1 Here's the reality. And I think this is, you know, I had an idea for a segment that we could do

Speaker 1 named, we did it so you don't have to. Yeah.
Like take a life hack, do it here, see if it works, and then we'll all really do the test.

Speaker 1 If I have been fooled once by the Rubik's Cube hack videos, I've been fooled a million times by them. Do you know these videos that go around?

Speaker 1 You can solve any Rubik's Cube by twisting it three times this way, four times that way, seven times this way. Chrissy, I've spent hours in that kitchen dissecting those videos.

Speaker 1 I must be doing something wrong. I must be doing something wrong.

Speaker 1 And then I go to the comments section and it's like, yeah, that works if you take an already completed Rubik's Cube and do that in reverse and start there.

Speaker 1 So every one of them is fake. Every one of them is a lie.
There is no hack for the Rubik's Cube.

Speaker 1 You just, I mean, there are tricks to get it done quicker, but you just have to know how to solve a Rubik's Cube, which, unfortunately, my pea brain wasn't able to do in my best of years.

Speaker 1 It's not going to be able to do in my worst of years. Okay.
I'm on the downslide. I'm not going to be able to complete a Rubik's Cube.
I don't care. I'm throwing it out.

Speaker 1 There's no hack to finding love. There is no hack to relationships.

Speaker 1 It's about meeting someone with mutual respect, trust, and admiration, and trying your best on a daily basis to keep it par, to keep that par. Trust, respect, admiration.
That's it. That's the hack.

Speaker 1 The hack is be a fucking good partner. If you're a good partner, you'll have a good partner.
It really is pretty simple. I've tried all the relationship hacks.

Speaker 1 Dating people who are a little off kilter because they're really good in bed, but you'll make it work. Don't worry about it.

Speaker 1 No, doesn't work. Date your best friend.
No, doesn't work.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Pay for sex.

Speaker 1 Still didn't work. I paid for it and I didn't get it.

Speaker 1 I paid for it.

Speaker 5 The two girls with the, you know, the menage de trois that you were in.

Speaker 1 Menage étrois. They kicked you out.
They kicked me out of the bedroom. I was the only one left without an orgasm.
And I had no involvement in the other orgasms. So there you go.
Wasn't fun. Okay.

Speaker 1 There's no magic secret. There's no hack to relationships.

Speaker 5 Yeah, communication. Yes.

Speaker 1 Respect. Respect.
Love. Trust.
Admiration. Yeah.
All those things that you hear about that are so hard to do.

Speaker 5 That's the hack.

Speaker 1 That's the hack. Do the hard work.
You got to get it right. Yes.
Listen, Astrid and I,

Speaker 1 as of yesterday, have known each other face to face. The first time we met face to face, 10 years ago.
Oh, congratulations. Yeah.
Thank you very much.

Speaker 1 So we've been over 10 years talking to each other.

Speaker 1 People will ask,

Speaker 1 when I say people, I mean dignitaries and presidents around the world, prime ministers. They will ask.
Dr. Phil.
Dr. Phil, how do you do it, Brian?

Speaker 1 How do you have a relationship with so little friction? Well, first of all, be a podcaster who spends most of his

Speaker 1 time.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you, let me tell you like, funny side note.

Speaker 1 At the beginning of this podcast, if you listen to it, you will be reminded that Brian would often come in and say, I think I'm one step from divorce because I'm spending so much time on the podcast.

Speaker 1 Last night, Astrid encouraged me to spend more time with some podcasts.

Speaker 1 Don't you have some work to do yeah well she's she's like oh we can get rid of that we don't need that you can do the work right and i'm like that means more time in the studio it's it'll be okay for a period of time yeah

Speaker 5 i like my shows by myself now i know i have to say i'm on astron's page because you know jeff works long hours he does work from home yeah um you know so a lot of times he's gone to memphis but he works from home a lot and i have morphed i used to get so upset like well what about let's eat it's time i've cooked this dinner it's time to eat, I want to watch the show, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 5 Now I am like, just do it, just

Speaker 1 like it by myself. Yeah, I want to watch Love is Blind, and

Speaker 5 you know, I'll call you when dinner's ready and you can eat or not. Yes, I'm eating whether you're not

Speaker 1 whether you're ready or not, whether you want to eat or not, you can go back to work after that.

Speaker 5 Feel free. In fact, I get another episode of Love is Blind.

Speaker 1 There you go. See, here's the thing that I've learned about relationships.
They ebb and flow like every other thing, right?

Speaker 1 Like friendships, every relationship in life, business, friendship, whatever.

Speaker 1 There's there's usually some kind of ebb and flow. Yes.
At first, you can't get enough of each other. Then you're mad because you aren't getting enough of each other.

Speaker 1 And then you learn that I've had enough of you. Yes, it's okay.
Then you learn I've in fact had enough.

Speaker 5 Rather than fight it, you know, rather than, hey, and you know what? The work that you're doing on the podcast is good for the whole family. Same with Jeff.
That's it.

Speaker 5 And it makes him happy, makes you happy, the work that you're doing. And then that's what you want for your partner.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it makes me happy, but it gives me purpose. Let's put it that way.
We laugh. We do laugh.
That's it. And so relationship, you know, how do you make a relationship last for 10 years?

Speaker 1 I can count on the, on one hand, the amount of blowouts that Astrid and I have had. And those blowouts were compared to some other relationships I have.

Speaker 1 Those were like a conversation on a Tuesday afternoon.

Speaker 1 That was a good day for some of the relationships that I had because the blowouts last very little time because we have a mutual respect and trust and admiration for each other.

Speaker 1 And And we know we just kind of understand how each other ticks.

Speaker 5 Throw a little dash of humor into it.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 5 Laugh at yourself.

Speaker 1 Laugh at yourself. Laugh at them.
Laugh at your small penis and your inability to give the other person an orgasm. Laugh at that stuff.
That's funny to you. That's funny.
That's funny, babe.

Speaker 1 Look, it's been 10 years. No orgasms.
Isn't that funny?

Speaker 1 Call Guinness Book of World Records.

Speaker 1 Call Guinness Book of World Records.

Speaker 1 10-year relationship, zero orgasms. We'll get there.
We're working on it, babe. We're working on it.

Speaker 1 To which she says, I'll be in the bedroom. Go back to your studio.
I'll be working on my orgasm while you work on your shit, whatever that is you're doing in there. Listen, this is not complicated.

Speaker 1 Sticky eyes doesn't work because it worked for this young girl

Speaker 1 who is attractive and probably at a bar in college. Yeah, at a bar in college.
Come on. The bar in college.

Speaker 1 You could literally, I mean,

Speaker 1 I hate to tell this story, but I'm going to tell it because, you know, why not? I've already told every story.

Speaker 1 When Chrissy and I worked at Clear Channel, there was a guy that sat in the office next to me, and he was a huge Clemson fan because he went to Clemson. Clemson, Clemson, Clemson.

Speaker 1 Everything's about Clemson. Clemson, Chrissy, you see the Clemson game?

Speaker 5 I want to say his name.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I want to say his name because if I said the name and then I did the voice, it would make perfect sense. But he was married, he had kids, he just sounded funny, right? But we loved him.

Speaker 1 He was a great guy. He was.
Yeah, but he'd be like, hey, Brian, you ever been to a Clemson game? And I'd be like, a Clemson game? No, I've been to a Clemson game.

Speaker 1 I've very rarely stepped foot on a college campus, if I'm being honest. And he'd be like, I'll take you to a Clemson game.
You love a Clemson game. The Clemson games are so much fun.

Speaker 1 And so after a year of haggling me and after a divorce and, you know, being beat up at Clear Channel every day, seven days a week,

Speaker 1 protections, protections, protections, protections. Your protections are up, your protections are down.
How many projections do you have? Give me more projections.

Speaker 1 Um, you know, meetings every morning at seven in the morning. You know, I finally relented.
I said, Well, I, you know, because he kept on saying, You gotta come to a Clemson game.

Speaker 1 I take the kids, and we set up the thing, and we got a nice place, and you love it. It's Clemson.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, oh, it's a beautiful campus, and there's a party, and I got my own spot, and I paid for it, and it's over near your campus. And I'm like, I don't know what anything you're talking about.

Speaker 1 And it doesn't sound like a ton of fun to go to a Clemson game with your family. You had two young kids at the time.
I didn't have any tailgating, do all that. Tailgating, the whole thing.

Speaker 1 But I liked the guy. He was a friend of mine and he was good to me.
And I think I was a friend to him. And so after a year of the non-stop talk about Clemson, I said, all right, I'll go to a Clemson.

Speaker 1 Well, you got to go to homecoming with me. Homecoming is going to be so much fun.
And I was like, okay. He's like, I don't have a ticket for you, but you can jump over the turnstile.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, jump over the turnstile? What am I 12? I'm going to jump over the turnstile. Am I a hooligan looking to get in a real Madrid match? Like this, what am I doing here, right?

Speaker 1 So Saturday afternoon show arrives. He's going to, I'm going to meet him at his house, and we're going to all drive over to Clemson, which is like a two-hour drive from Atlanta.

Speaker 1 And this is all going to make sense when I tell you the rest of the story after the break.

Speaker 1 We'll be back.

Speaker 1 Let me do something Brian has never done. Be brief.

Speaker 6 Follow us on Instagram at the Commercial break. Text or call us, 212-433-3TCB.
That's 212-433-3822. Visit our website, tcbpodcast.com, for all the audio, video, and your free sticker.

Speaker 6 Then watch all the videos at youtube.com/slash thecommercial break. And finally, share the show.
It's the best gift you could give a few aging podcasters. See, Brian?

Speaker 1 That really wasn't that difficult now, was it?

Speaker 6 You're welcome.

Speaker 9 Lowe's knows that saving is is always top of mind, especially this season.

Speaker 10 That's why we've picked some great deals for early Black Friday.

Speaker 9 Get free select Dewalt, Cobalt, or Craftsman tools when you buy a select battery or combo kit.

Speaker 10 More tools? Why not?

Speaker 9 Plus, we've got select pre-lit artificial Christmas trees starting at $59.98 because it's never too early to think Christmas. Get Black Friday prices without the crowds.

Speaker 10 Lowe's, we help. You save.

Speaker 9 While supplies last, selection varies by location.

Speaker 11 Ready to level up? Chumba Casino is your playbook to fun. It's free to play with no purchase necessary.

Speaker 11 Enjoy hundreds of online social games like Blackjack, Slots, and Solitaire anytime, anywhere, with fresh releases every week.

Speaker 11 Whether you're at home or on the go, let Chumba Casino bring the excitement to you. Plus, get free daily login bonuses and a free welcome bonus.
Join now for your chance to redeem some serious prizes.

Speaker 11 Play Chumba Casino today. No purchase necessary, VGW Group, Voidbore prohibited by law 21 plus.
TNCs apply.

Speaker 1 Okay, Chrissy and I were talking about about a trend on a reel that's trending on Instagram and TikTok. A hack.
A hack.

Speaker 1 How to get someone to come hither at a college bar by staring at them until they get uncomfortable and finally come your way and approach you with a security officer.

Speaker 1 We were talking about that and we were explaining, you know, how that's probably not the solution for a relationship.

Speaker 1 And then Chrissy said, plus, at a college bar, I mean, yeah, a college bar where everybody is smashed and looking for a one-night stand, basically. Not everybody, but most people.

Speaker 1 I mean, we've all been to a college bar. We know what happens at a college bar.
Everybody gets drunk and laid. That's what happens at a college bar.

Speaker 1 So I was explaining that in my 30s, I have, in my early 30s, I have this guy who's working at the office next to me, and he is gone to Clemson. He's a Clemson guy.

Speaker 1 He's got a Clemson tailgate spot that he pays for every year, season tickets. He's been begging me to go to a game for over a year.
So finally, I say yes. I show up at his house.

Speaker 1 He's already pre-gaming it. Wife's going to be, wife's pregnant, by the way.
She's going to be driving the car. Two small kids already.
We're going in like a minivan or something. And I'm like,

Speaker 1 yeah. And so I just cracked the Bud Lights immediately.
Like this game, by the way, is at 3 p.m. So we're like, it's like 11 o'clock in the morning.
We're heading out there.

Speaker 1 And he's like, this is going to be the greatest thing ever. You never seen a Clamson game? Clamson's going to, you're going to love it.
It's awesome. And I'm like, okay, great.

Speaker 1 We're going to Clemson game. We get there, two-hour drive.
We have roadies. You know, we're like drinking.

Speaker 1 The kids are in the car and we're like pouring Bud Lights into these plastic cups and drinking on the way to the Clemson game. And I swear to God, Clemson flags the entire way up there.

Speaker 1 Everybody's doing the same thing. Everyone's heading to Clemson.
It's like a big exodus from Atlanta to Clemson. And we go and we park in the trees, right under the shadow of the stadium.

Speaker 1 You know, it's, it's pretty impressive, right? I've never been to a college football game at that point in my life. Never.

Speaker 1 So I'm, I'm, you know, okay, I'm getting excited. I'm like, all right.
So he pops open the back.

Speaker 1 There's a bunch of people that are parked around us in this plot of grass, and everybody knows everybody. Hi, what you doing? Hey, hey, hey, Clamson.
Where's Clamson homecoming? Homecoming, Clamson.

Speaker 1 You know, Clamson, Clemson, Clemson. And everybody's dressed in that damn orange and those fucking sun visors and sunglasses hanging around their neck.
You know, the typical Clemson wear. Well,

Speaker 1 across the way, across the street, is sorority and fraternity row. The row.
The row. And I mean one long street,

Speaker 1 mainly sorority houses on this end of the street where we are. And then at the end of that street, gas station, couple of bars.
So before the game, I am out of cigarettes right before the game.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, okay. And he goes, well, you just got to run down to the gas station down there at the corner, which is like a quarter of a mile.
So I go, I cross the street.

Speaker 1 I'm walking in front of these sorority houses. Party and every party everywhere.

Speaker 1 Right. Party everywhere.
So I've got a roadie in my hands. I'm now like six, seven Bud Lights in.
And I don't really make it to the gas station in the most direct way.

Speaker 1 I kind of walk through the grass. I pick up a, you know, I get, I pour myself a beer from the gang.
I'm just enjoying myself. I'm walking in.
I'm talking to people. College.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm still getting an experience. Yeah, I didn't go to college, so now I'm getting the college experience, hanging out with the sorority and fraternity guys.

Speaker 1 And by the way, I wasn't the only 30-year-old doing that. There was like lots of people just like partying everywhere.

Speaker 5 Especially if it's homecoming. There's a bunch of alumni coming back for that.

Speaker 1 So there were two bars at the end of the street, like the strip mall. It was a Mexican restaurant that was a bar, and then it was like a bar bar and then a gas station.

Speaker 1 So I walk in the front door of the Mexican restaurant.

Speaker 1 I order a bud line.

Speaker 1 There are a ton of kids in this place,

Speaker 1 just all drinking, male, female, everything.

Speaker 1 And there is a young lady sitting at the bar when I order the drink and she's staring at me. And I'm like, hey, what you doing? And she's like, she's like, getting ready for homecoming.

Speaker 1 This is crazy, isn't it? And I'm like, yeah. And she goes, you are handsome.
And I was like, oh, well, thank you. And she's like, meet me here after the game.
That's what she says to me.

Speaker 1 And I take that Bud Light and I pound it, knowing that I got to get back and jump the turnstile because I don't have a ticket. Right.
And I don't think much of it. I have no idea.

Speaker 1 how old this girl is. I'm guessing in her 20s, you know, like mid-20s, but I don't really know.
I mean, they don't ask for an ID, right?

Speaker 1 She looks adults, but she doesn't look like, you know, she's she's not 40. And I go and I grab my cigarettes and I go back.
And so now I have to jump the turnstile of the Clemson thing.

Speaker 1 This guy, you know what he did? He's like, I'm going to take the ticket and then I'm going to get the ticket stub because they only check the ticket stubs.

Speaker 1 And then you run to the opposite side of the stadium and then I'm going to give you the ticket stub because I'm uncomfortable about actually jumping. Oh, right.
I'm like, I'm an adult.

Speaker 1 Why don't I just buy a ticket? He's like, there ain't no more tickets left. It's Clemson.
And I'm like, okay, I don't fucking know.

Speaker 1 By the way, this is long before Clemson was good at football, like good at football. This last time time they were good at football.
They weren't that good at this point, at this point in time.

Speaker 1 But I'm like, I don't want to just try to like, it's a big area. You walk into these gates and then there are ticket takers, right?

Speaker 1 But if you're sneaky enough, you can kind of like sneak in behind someone and just head for the hills, right? Just dart, I guess. I don't know.
But I'm not a ticket jumper.

Speaker 1 Like, that's not what I'm going to do.

Speaker 1 So he's trying to explain to me how he's going to throw me the ticket stub from the balcony and then I'm going to catch it in the trees and then I'm going to walk back in and say I I left and whatever.

Speaker 1 I'm like, no, okay, I'm fine. I'll jump the turnstile.
I'll do that.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 everyone's walking in and I'm going in behind him and then he's like making this ruckus about his tickets. Like he drops his ticket, you know, he's trying to create a distraction.

Speaker 1 And I like sneak in sideways. And as I'm moving to the side, what do I run into? A security guard.
And he's like, ticket. And I'm like, I, he has my tickets.

Speaker 1 And then this guy is just like counting them twice. He's like, one, two, three.
And then he's like putting behind four, five, six. Like a sleight of hand.
Seven, eight, nine. Yeah, a sleight of hand.

Speaker 1 And the security guard is like, you don't have enough tickets. And he's like, I thought I had seven.
I don't know what happened. And he's like, go.
He just says, go, right. And I'm like, oh, I can't.

Speaker 1 It wasn't the first time. Yeah, this isn't the first time.
And it's not the last time. Apparently, this happens a lot.
We go, we watch the game.

Speaker 1 Well, the thing that sucks about the game is that there's no alcohol served at the game at this time. There's no booze served at the game.

Speaker 5 Oh, that's still a thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I'm coming down. I'm like, fuck this.
Like, you know, okay, yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I mean, day drinking only works if you keep drinking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and they're playing like West Kentucky Tech. You know what I'm saying? It's a homecoming game.
It's an easy score. It's 40 to zero by the time it's the first quarter is over.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, ah, whatever. Halfway, over halfway through the game, I'm like, I'm going to go back to the, and everybody agrees.
Let's just go back to the car and we'll start drinking.

Speaker 1 And by the way, the stadium is half empty at this point. Like, nobody's there.
Everyone wants to get back to partying. So we start drinking again.

Speaker 1 And within an hour, I picked up right where I left off. My buzz is good.
And ding, the light bulb goes off. Oh, I got to meet that girl at the bar.

Speaker 1 So what do I do? I walk back to the bar and no fucking hairy shit is that girl there with her friends hanging out. And she's like, you know, hanging out, drinking.

Speaker 1 I'm like standing there trying to get her to notice me. Like clearly, she'll remember me.
She has no fucking, like, she's not even paying attention. She has no idea who I am.

Speaker 1 She's not doing the sticky eyes at all. She's doing the darty eyes.
Like, why is this guy staring at me? And so finally I walk up and I go, hey, can I buy you a drink? Remember me? And she goes, oh,

Speaker 1 not really.

Speaker 1 I was like, we met before the game. You told me to meet you here.
And she's like, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah, you know, I'll take a drink.
Drink, two drinks. Three drinks.

Speaker 1 Now I'm like 45 minutes in. And at some point, however it happened, whichever it happened, I'm not even sure because I do not have this kind of game.
I am not John Anthony.

Speaker 1 I am not, you know, Adam the Liar. But all of the sudden, we are kissing, like making out in the bar, kissing and making out.
And then I realize I've been gone an hour and 15 minutes.

Speaker 1 And my BlackBerry, I've like missed like 12 text messages and phone calls because he's like, I got to go. The kids got to go to bed, you know, whatever.
So I'm like, oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Well, listen, I got to go. I'm sorry.
She's like, oh, no, no, no, no. Let me give you my phone number and then call me.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, next, you know, I live up in Anderson or whatever she says, you know.

Speaker 1 I can come down to Atlanta. Whatever.
I'm like, okay, give me, I'm going to put it in my phone, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't wait an hour before I text this girl.
And what do I get?

Speaker 1 I get, this number doesn't exist.

Speaker 1 I get a total, fuck you.

Speaker 1 The number doesn't exist. It's a totally fake phone number.
It doesn't exist. There's nowhere for it to go.
Text messages just bounce.

Speaker 1 My BBMs just bounce. That's it.
BBM, if you remember that.

Speaker 1 The BBM just bounces and I am, I am lost in the. So here's my point.

Speaker 1 Staring at someone at a college bar is not a particularly like, I don't think it's an effective tactic, but then you don't even need it. You don't.

Speaker 1 Just go to a college bar and hang out for long enough. And a lovely guy or girl, whatever your favor is, is going to find you because that's what you're doing.

Speaker 1 You're all partying and having a good time, letting your hair hang out. It's the time of life when you just go and have fun and kiss strangers and drink and accept shots from people.

Speaker 1 I mean, be smart about it, right? Be smart about it, always get consent. But have fun.
Like, you don't need tips and tricks and hacks. You just need to be yourself.

Speaker 1 You'll be okay unless you're a total asshole. And I know a few of those.
And, you know, they're, they'll.

Speaker 5 Yeah, then you should change. Then you should change.

Speaker 1 Yeah, then you need therapy. Skip the college bar, go to the therapy.

Speaker 5 Yeah, the hack is therapy.

Speaker 1 Yes. But there is no hack to

Speaker 1 getting attracted to someone or someone getting attracted to you. There is no hack.
It's a magic, it's a magic formula that even the best of scientists nor the quantum witch can solve for you.

Speaker 1 You'll figure it out. You just got to get, put yourself out there.
Go to the bar, grab a pack of cigarettes, walk into the Mexican restaurant when you're on your way to grab a pack of cigarettes.

Speaker 1 Put yourself out there. Start smoking cigarettes, drink lots of Bud Light, jump the gate at the Clemson game, and,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 be unscrupulous in general. You will find your human being.
They are out there. There's plenty of us, and there's lots of them.

Speaker 1 I'm reading all these sad stories about this generation of kids that's growing up now, these 20-somethings and late teens.

Speaker 1 They are the least laid, they are the least relationship involved, they are the least optimistic that they'll ever have relationships that are meaningful, like romantic relationships that are meaningful.

Speaker 1 And that to me is very sad. But I understand why.
It's because you've never just put the screen down for a minute and walked into a bar and gotten yourself into a little bit of good trouble.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Good trouble. That's okay.

Speaker 5 That's what you, that's what's find other interests, you know?

Speaker 1 Yeah, like drugs.

Speaker 1 Drugs are perfect for your late teens and early 20s. Now put them down by your mid-20s or else, you know, then shit starts going sideways.
But that's, this is the time of your life.

Speaker 1 Go have the time of your life. get in trouble without getting arrested.
That's the good kind of trouble.

Speaker 1 Find a few strangers, make new friends, have an adventurous night, do something that doesn't involve a screen and staying at home, wishing things were different.

Speaker 1 And I promise you, I promise you, you may not get laid every time, but it eventually will happen if you want it to.

Speaker 5 Take advice from Uncle Brian.

Speaker 1 From Uncle Brian.

Speaker 1 This public service announcement brought to you by Brian.

Speaker 11 Good trouble.

Speaker 1 Good trouble.

Speaker 1 I don't want to encourage anybody to get in actual trouble. I just want them to get into good kind of trouble.

Speaker 1 You know, the kind of trouble where you end up, you know, making out with somebody at the bar. Yeah.
What's wrong with that, Chrissy? What's wrong with that? Skinny dipping. Skinny dipping.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Skinny dipping is good trouble.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 breaking onto the golf course at 3 in the morning and smoking a joint and laying a blanket down and giving each other mutual massages. That's a good kind of trouble.
Been there, done that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Find a massage friend. I guarantee you're going to have some fun with that one.
I used to have a massage friend. That's what we called each other, massage friends.

Speaker 1 Is this who I think it is?

Speaker 5 What's that? Is this who I think it is?

Speaker 1 No, No, I don't think so.

Speaker 1 I don't know who you're thinking about, but I don't think so.

Speaker 1 I don't think so.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to say that.

Speaker 1 Find yourself an Eastern European for angry friend. You know what I'm saying? Find somebody.
And you guys agree to just have the good kind of trouble.

Speaker 1 Eastern European angry friend.

Speaker 1 That's the good kind of trouble. That's the good kind of trouble.
Yes. Just Just make sure you don't get on their bad side.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822.
Questions, comments, concerns, contents, ideas? We're taking them all right at that phone number. We'd love to hear from you.
Text message or voicemail.

Speaker 1 If you have something you want to say to us, call in, leave it on the voicemail, and you could be the next voice that opens up the commercial break.

Speaker 1 Also, we are imploring you, please go follow us on Instagram at the Commercial break. You'd be a dollface if you do it on TikTok too, though we don't post there as often.

Speaker 1 Listen, I can only do so much. But TCB Podcast on TikTok, youtube.com slash thecommercial break for all the episodes the same day they air here on the audio feed.

Speaker 1 Go check out the new studio for us at tcbpodcast.com. All the audio, all the video, and your free sticker at the contact us page.
No must, no fuss.

Speaker 1 Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today. I think so.
I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you.
Best to you. Best to you.
Best to you out there in the podcast universe.

Speaker 1 Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say. Goodbye.

Speaker 11 Ready to level up? Chumba Casino is your playbook to fun. It's free to play with no purchase necessary.

Speaker 11 Enjoy hundreds of online social games like Blackjack, Slots, and Solitaire, anytime, anywhere, with fresh releases every week.

Speaker 11 Whether you are at home or on the go, let Chumba Casino bring the excitement to you. Plus, get free daily login bonuses and a free welcome bonus.

Speaker 11 Join now for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Play Chumba Casino today.
No purchase necessary VGW Group Voidboard prohibited by law 21 plus TNCs apply. Ready to level up?

Speaker 11 Chumba Casino is your playbook to fun. It's free to play with no purchase necessary.

Speaker 11 Enjoy hundreds of online social games like Blackjack, Slots, and Solitaire anytime, anywhere, with fresh releases every week, whether you are at home or on the go.

Speaker 11 Let Chumba Casino bring the excitement to you. Plus, get free daily login bonuses and a free welcome bonus.
Join now for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Play Chumba Casino today.

Speaker 11 No purchase necessary. VGW Group Voidboard Prohibited by Law 21 Plus.
TNCs apply.

Speaker 1 I get ass.