Best of The Program | Guests: Lara Logan & Andrew Heaton | 7/15/21

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Today is a fun podcast.

We started with a little ode, really,

to

Chris Cuomo.

You know, as Stu says, Andrew Cuomo is awful.com.

But Chris Cuomo is worse.

Right.com.

We talk about the hypocrisy on Chris Cuomo and the people who are screaming, you gotta follow science.

Really, let's see if they're following science on a few things.

Then we also had Lara Logan on.

She talked about what's happening with the surveillance state and how it's growing out of control.

And an old friend came by, Andrew Heaton, who is trying to be the number one poet on Amazon today.

He's got a new book out called Los Angeles is Hideous, Poems About an Ugly City.

It's a little dark.

A little dark.

But we'd like you to go out and buy it on Amazon and make him the number one poet in the country because that's really how sad and pathetic his life has become.

That he's like, please, I have nothing to hold on to.

Los Angeles is hideous.

Poems about an ugly city.

Very, very funny.

And I think we started something in California.

You have to listen to the podcast because I think this is going to be a continuing storyline for a while.

Don't miss it.

You're listening to the best of the blend back program.

Breaking news from Reuters this morning.

Protests in Cuba will increase the risk of COVID-19 transmission because of an already high level of cases and the more contagious Delta variant.

Health officials said on Wednesday, the Pan American Health Organization urged Cubans and tourists, please avoid all crowds.

Do not go out in the streets.

Wait, wait, where was this?

Where was it?

Don't pay any attention.

Don't pay any attention to the man behind the curtain who said it was okay to go out and protest and steal stuff for BLM.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Well, racism is a public health issue.

Communism is not.

No.

Communism has only killed about 90 million people in the last 80 years.

Maybe more than that.

That's China.

It was 100 million in the past century.

So we're well over 100 million now.

And growing every day in every places like Cuba.

It's killed, communism has killed more people than all disease combined.

Pretty much.

Yeah.

I mean, it's.

Okay.

All right.

So we got to follow the science.

And, you know, the good thing is we have guardians of science like Chris Cuomo.

Do we have the audio of what Chris Cuomo said

about this COVID search, the Delta variant?

Here it is.

Listen.

The story of this pandemic on the right side is deep denial.

And we are going to remember for generations how we made ourselves sick.

Nobody else did what we've done in America.

Yeah, that's right.

We got a cure faster than just about anybody.

Not a cure.

But a vaccine.

And we made ourselves sick.

We lied to ourselves

about the pandemic.

Our leaders called it a hoax.

It was Trump, but it was more than Trump.

Wow.

He went on and talked about this controversy in Tennessee as well.

And now we have the big case in point.

Tennessee.

Tennessee.

Monday, their top vaccine official says she was fired after she sent a memo to vaccine providers about a state law that already existed.

I think it's existed since 1987.

It's called a mature minor

policy, which is where it allows doctors to determine if teenagers, even if they're not right of the age of

majority, that they can still be treated as long as the doctor believes that they're mature enough to understand their healthcare decisions.

So they don't need the parents' consent.

Oh.

It comes amid a larger effort to halt vaccine outreach for all diseases.

Think about that.

Why?

Think about that.

Think about it, Claude.

Let me think about it because you know what, Stu?

You know what I'm thinking?

What?

I'm thinking this this isn't approved for kids.

It's not approved for kids.

Yes, no.

So

was it yes or is it no, Stu?

What do you mean, yes or no?

No, honestly, you're right.

It is not approved for kids.

However, that does not apply to this particular story because they're talking about 14 to 17-year-olds, which is approved for kids.

Okay, all right.

So you have to be mature

14-year-olds.

That's their rule.

But again, like, he's not, it has nothing to do with Tennessee.

Tennessee is just a way for them to say Red State bad.

Right.

And Chris Cuomo wants you to know he's a man of science he is a man as you heard i know that

he really is uh it's not the red staters of course those are those people are against science science and he can't believe that these red staters would do such a thing well

is this really chris cuomo though is he really a man of science science

That helps.

It does.

It's really helpful.

Worked for Thomas Dolby.

Science.

So let me introduce you to Purist Magazine.

Purist magazine.

Purist magazine.

Purist magazine.

What is Purist Magazine?

Well, let me give you their mantra.

Make the things you let into your body, mind, and spirit matter.

Let purist be your guide.

So what you put into your body should be guided.

So it's like goop.

It's like goop.

It's like goop.

If you think goop

is only for peasants.

You know,

if goop has number one, if it's for only poor people,

and also it does, it has too high, if you want lower credibility in Guinness.

So if you say Goop is too authoritarian,

authoritative.

Yes, that's true.

Now, interesting, Purist Magazine is run

by

Christina Cuomo.

Of course, you may remember her as the person who was just found in Jeffrey Epstein's address book.

Yeah.

Otherwise known as

Chris Cuomo's wife.

That's right.

I forgot about that.

So

Chris Cuomo's wife has a magazine, and it's this like super elitist Hamptons magazine.

Science!

It's basically a Hamptons version of goop.

Okay.

Okay.

That's really what it is.

Now, wow, that's snotty.

I'm just trying.

It's like over-the-top snotty.

It's like Gwyneth Paltrow is not snotty enough for us.

What do we do?

Let's start our own thing.

Okay.

So

Purist is basically this Hamptons goop

that advises people on all sorts of different diseases, among other things.

It's also where you buy multi-million dollar real estate and all sorts of other ridiculous, expensive things.

But a lot of it's focused on health stuff.

And it's easy to forgive a little diversion for rich people to go and talk about wellness.

You know, you're the wife of a celebrity and

you're going to have all the cures and the candles

and all of that.

No, I don't think it's that easy to give.

you could though like who cares like i don't care if they read something okay i'll give you that however we should note that this man who is telling you he's a man of science science is not only married to but was also being treated by uh the doctors who write for purist magazine and are contributors to goop by good heavens miss mercantroyd

These are good references.

These are very deep references.

Okay.

So

during the worst part of COVID, the Cuomo family was actually giving recommendations for treatment of COVID-19.

These treatments, that's their word, not mine, treatments for COVID-19, which she used the word treatments often in between her occasional efforts at legal disclaimer, because, of course, they're not treatments for COVID-19.

But things like, here's a quote, broth of cayenne pepper, ginger and garlic, or the lemon and ginger tea or vitamin C.

She later admits that, of course, there is not, none of these are cures for COVID-19, but added a name of a doctor who is advising them and helped her and her husband, Chris Cuomo, on a path of natural remedies to strengthen his immune system.

Okay, so so

this is this is what he had.

This is what Chris Cuomo did.

Forget what he's telling you on television.

Right.

What did he do?

When he was claiming when he got COVID.

When he was claiming he was in the basement.

Right.

Which he wasn't.

Yes.

That's that's that this is what he was having.

Yes.

Now, he went to Dr.

Linda Lancaster.

Oh, love her.

Now, here she is talking about how close to the mainstream of a doctor she is.

I'm not a medical doctor.

I don't use drugs.

Okay, so not a medical doctor.

Just a Mr.

Mainstream science.

He could have come to me.

I'm a doctor, too.

I'm not a medical doctor.

Now,

so Chris Cuomo, again, insulting Tennessee, insulting insulting Red States, got to stay with the science, went to this woman who seems delightful.

She is the founder of something called the Light Harmonics Institute.

I love that.

Yeah.

And she seems very sweet.

She's a naturopathic doctor, which is, by the way, a type of doctor not recognized as a doctor by the state of New York.

Yeah, but a lot of people that his brother runs.

I mean, I have no problem if you're a naturopath.

Absolutely.

I mean, fine.

Again, I am not criticizing.

You can do whatever the hell you want.

Right.

Right.

The point point here, though, is that he, Cuomo is on television telling you to follow all the mainstream recommendations of science.

Science!

That he's doing this, which are not the mainstream recommendations of science.

Science!

Thank you.

Wait, wait.

Science.

Thank you.

That's much better.

Okay.

So she

has, Dr.

Lancaster describes, how do we recover from an illness?

COVID is a big illness, right?

Is it affecting a lot of people?

How do we recover from that illness?

Hint, it is not medication.

The body has an innate ability to heal itself.

We were born with this vital force

that knows how to heal us.

What interferes or what causes illness?

Okay, that's a good question.

What causes illness?

Now, I would say like a bacteria or a virus, for example.

In this particular example, a virus.

Viruses.

But I'm not a doctor like this doctor.

Well, she's not a doctor either.

I'm not a science man like Chris Cuomo's a science man.

Right?

Yes.

So let's see what she says causes all this.

For me, it's been evaluating the electromagnetic energy of the cells.

Oh, okay.

To see whether they're in a coherent flow.

Oh, the flow.

It's the flow of the cells.

Glenn.

Okay.

Now, that was my next guess, I will say.

I should have said it.

Right.

I didn't say it.

Well, you're not into the chakras.

Yeah, right.

You know what I mean?

Oh, she gets lots of, there's lots of chakra talk if that's what she wants.

There is tons of chakra talk from this lady.

I don't have any of those clips pulled, but she does talk about it quite a bit.

Now, you can argue some Republicans' policies are off the mark, but I've never heard a Republican argue that we should cure diseases by the flow of the cells or electromagnetic energy.

Right.

Right.

Let's hear more about this science.

Each cell in our body has a positive and a negative flow.

Okay.

And the balance of the positive, the negative is the integrity of each cell.

This flow of energy

is

etheric energy because the ether is in all of space.

The ether is in all of space.

Ether, said the doctor.

The ether is in all of space.

So I would just like to point, she sounds like she's very

Asian medicine.

She's very Chinese medicine,

which didn't help the people in Wuhan.

Just

wanted a science!

Okay, so

I'm curious if this is mainstream science.

I don't know.

Maybe I don't know.

Is it Chris?

Because remember, this isn't just some dumb thing his wife recommended in her stupid magazine.

This is literally how Chris Cuomo was treated for COVID-19.

He's criticizing all these Republicans.

This is how he did it.

She talked exactly about how she treated her COVID patients like Chris Cuomo later on.

Listen.

Food is number one for for me.

I use a, for my COVID patients, I use a soup,

a soup called pasata de vedora, which is green soup.

There you go.

Yes.

I have yet to hear Dr.

Fauci come out and recommend soup.

I'll go a step further.

I haven't heard Donald Trump recommend soup.

No.

He said,

he said hydrochloroquine.

That's what he said.

An actual medicine, a drug prescribed by doctors.

That's right.

That was his idea.

That was too crazy, but soup.

Soup.

Soup.

Hydroxychloroquine.

No.

Soup.

Yes.

No.

All right.

There were.

I don't know why we bothered with all these vaccines when we had soup.

So we had to soup the whole time.

The whole time.

So

you know what it is?

The drug companies are just getting rich while the Campbells people had the solution the whole time.

This is the best of the Glenn Beck program.

Welcome, Laura.

How are you?

Hey, I'm good.

Thank you.

How are you?

It's very good.

Always good to talk to you.

So you, I saw you yesterday and you were talking about what is happening

with surveillance and privacy and censorship.

And I don't think people really understand

how bad it is.

Does the Fourth Amendment even exist anymore?

You know, Glenn, the Fourth Amendment does exist.

And that's really important for people to remember.

Because if we treat it as if it's already gone, then no one will fight to uphold it.

You know, they want in a way they want you to think the Fourth Amendment is gone.

That's part of the problem.

You talk to young kids today and they say, ah, so what?

I don't need my privacy.

I'm not doing anything wrong.

And that's because they really don't understand.

We've all, you know, we've been deceived by the tech industry because nobody said, here, take this handy little device, you know, that's going to make your life better and easier in every way and it's be safer because you can call for help and so on.

And now we're at the point where our phones are tracking us 24-7

and where these people who own these companies own all this information about us.

They own everything that we say.

and do literally every single thing.

So a kid who thinks, well, I'm using a hidden app, right, to to send, you know, racy pictures to my boyfriend.

Well, no,

it might be hidden from your parents.

It might be hidden from someone who picks up your phone, but the person who owns that app owns all those images of you, and they can do whatever they want with them.

And by the way, if they're being stored on a cloud, then that your parent has, and you're underage, your parent is in now in possession of child pornography.

And you see, you know, a few years ago, nobody would have believed that that's the kind of thing the government exploits.

Now imagine you were in in the Capitol on January 6th and they don't have anything on you but they want to get rid of you anyway because they don't like your politics.

Well now you can be charged with child porn because they have the ability to go through everything and not only that they have made deals with phone companies.

I never understood Edward Snowden fully.

You know, I didn't understand that the programs that he exposed, like Blarney and Fairview and all these others, these were deals that the phone companies made with the NSA to physically allow them into their sites so that they could download all of our communications that go on our phones.

And they were paid to do it.

So the phone companies made money selling us out.

So the fact that all of these people don't, that they violate the Fourth Amendment doesn't mean that the Fourth Amendment doesn't exist.

What it means is that we're not upholding that right.

And that's what we need to start doing.

Okay, so for people that, there's two questions here.

One, for people who don't know what the Fourth Amendment is, remind the Fourth Amendment,

and then I have a follow-up.

So the Fourth Amendment is our right to privacy.

And people think it's just about, you know, okay, I'm not doing anything wrong or I don't have any secrets.

Therefore, I don't care about my privacy.

What were the origins of the Fourth Amendment?

It was really,

the founding fathers knew that one of the ways that the British prevented them from organizing and rising up and challenging them was preventing them from meeting in private.

Right?

That's the purpose of your privacy is much more than you know just being out of public view.

And

so there is really nothing that's more central to our democracy than the right to privacy.

I mean all of those rights in the Constitution have a real purpose and a real value.

And if we allow people to take them away from us, we're voluntarily surrendering that.

We're like lambs to the slaughter.

You know, that's literally what we are.

So the Fourth Amendment also says that you have a right to be secure in your own papers.

And that, again, comes from King George quartering soldiers in people's houses, just going in and just saying they're living with you now and you had nothing to say about it.

And they would go through all of your papers and they would spy on you in your own home.

I have contended for a long time.

The third and fourth amendment are being violated right now.

They're not physically quartering soldiers in your home, but they certainly are in your home through all of the apps that they have back doors on.

And they are going through your, quote, papers.

This is

a real problem.

You're 100% right.

And sort of the physical evidence, you know, sort of example of that that I think people can grasp onto is Alexa, for example, and

the other systems like this.

What you've done is literally give something and you've said, okay, you know, when they show up at your front door, you don't have to let them in, right?

They have to have a warrant.

So in order to go into your private space, whether it's your communications or your home, they have to have a warrant.

They have to do it legally.

And if you, you know, that's why the Pfizer court actually exists.

When it comes to surveillance, the Pfizer court is the highest court in the land.

Well, what are the origins of that?

Well, you know, back in the 1970s, they realized that government overreach and surveillance was a real problem.

So they created a surveillance court specifically to monitor this.

And what if we have today?

In May, the Pfizer court came out with an historic report that was really a massive rebuke of the FBI and law enforcement.

And what it said was that in violation of a 2018 and 2019, two different courts, two different federal judges, ruled that warrantless surveillance cannot be used legally.

It is inadmissible in court.

Well, that happened because of what Edward Snowden revealed.

It happened because of what Bill Binney, an NSA whistleblower before him, what he was warning about years before Edward Snowden.

He inspired actually Edward Snowden.

It's what all of them on the inside saw coming, right, and put out there.

So what the judges said was,

this information that you're getting from the NSA has been taken.

It's been gathered without a warrant.

Therefore, you cannot use it because it violates the Fourth Amendment.

Well, the latest report from the Pfizer Court says, what is the FBI doing with regard to January 6th and Trump supporters?

They're using the NSA database.

Once again, they're using the warrantless surveillance, which has been ruled illegal.

Everybody knows it.

There's no hiding it.

So in our one episode, we actually show Robert Mueller way back after 9-11, because I think people forget that he was the guy in charge of the FBI at the time of 9-11.

And he's defending a technique that the FBI uses to hide the origins of a case in court.

It's called parallel construction and it's where the FBI and other agencies have gone to the NSA database to this surveillance and this warrantless collection of information, whether it's through the internet, through the internet companies, through the phone systems, through whatever it is.

And they have used that

to spy on you and to prosecute you.

And they create a parallel chain of evidence.

That's what it is.

It's parallel construction to hide the origins of the case and basically to lie to the court because they know that their evidence is inadmissible.

And, you know, this really comes to mind right now because you have how many Americans are sitting in prison in Washington, D.C., who have yet to be convicted of any crime, and they're in solitary confinement.

You know, Elizabeth Warren and other even Democrat senators have campaigned against solitary confinement.

They call it the most cruel form of torture and extreme punishment.

And you have American citizens on American soil in solitary confinement who have never been convicted of a crime.

And we are silent, Glenn.

And how are they going after all of these people?

What this database of surveillance allows the law enforcement to do is to go back in time through all of your communications, find things to manipulate into

your weaknesses or whatever, anything they want, but they can go back because everything digital lives forever.

That's how we know

when people are lying, when they say the emails disappeared, right?

Lois Lerna, IRS, Hillary Clinton.

You know they're lying because in the digital world, nothing ever goes away.

So talk to the people who will say,

I don't have anything to hide.

I don't think people understand.

You know,

I was in a mall the other day, and this woman came running out of a store, and she said, oh my gosh, you're Glenbeck.

And she had a very heavy Polish accent.

And I said, yes, ma'am.

And she said, I just can't thank you enough for what you say and what you're doing.

She's like, I came from communism.

I escaped.

What is happening?

And I said,

people here just don't think that way.

We just don't understand what a surveillance and oppressive state really means.

So explain to people who say, I don't have anything to hide.

I don't care.

They can watch everything.

Why is this a danger?

It's a danger because they're not just looking at what you may have to hide.

They're looking at how to manipulate you into doing what they want.

These are control systems.

That's really who they are.

And so what we're ultimately, one of the whistleblowers, not was Rose Hackers in our piece.

It was very, very,

he was one of the most revered privacy specialists, online privacy specialists in the world before he was targeted.

His name is Jacob Applebaum.

And I think he's one of the most extraordinary people I've ever interviewed.

And he and Julian Assange and another guy, Trevor Fitzgibbon, who was the PR arm of Wikileaks, they were the three pillars of Wikileaks.

You know, Julian, the face of it, Jacob was really the software.

and the mind behind it, you know, the technological mind.

He vetted all of the Snowden, you know, the NSA documents that Snowden got to make sure that they were real and so on.

And they were all targeted with false rape allegations and their lives destroyed, right?

And Jacob is in self-imposed exile in Berlin.

But this young man is

really an extraordinary mind.

And he talked to me about the future of the world is where we become the monitored class, i.e.

you and I and everyone else who's surveilled, and those monitoring us.

And those are really the only two classes in the future, All of the other stuff, left and right and communist, Marxist, blah, blah, blah, none of that is actually going to matter at all.

Because in the future, we are literally separated by those who are monitored and those who are not.

Because monitoring us, it encourages us to self-censor, right?

So what do we do?

We police ourselves.

Why are you going to defund the police?

You don't need the police because we're going to police ourselves.

And with the surveillance, we will always know who's doing what.

We can decide who we're going to to let get away with the crime or, you know, whether there's something, and we need you to do something for us.

We know that you're cheating on your wife.

Therefore, you're the guy that we're going to go to.

Or your daughter wants to go to this particular college program.

Okay.

And they look back, oh, her parents, look, they're Christians.

Oh, she's not going to this program.

We don't want any Christians.

You know, and oh, these people are homophobic or whatever it happens to be.

What they do with the information is they create a human terrain map for

single person on the planet.

Anyone who's within a digital signature and within their reach, they are creating a human terrain map that can be used against you by anyone.

It can be private corporations, can be the health insurance companies.

You get your DNA tested at 23andMe.

Well, I interviewed a guy from an HMO, one of these health management operations, right?

And organizations.

And he said they were buying data from 23andMe.

That's one of those third-party users that they're selling to.

So they can then determine with your DNA, the health insurance companies can decide whether or not to insure you and how much to charge you.

And you can break that down.

Well, you know, are we going to give you medical care or cancer treatment?

No, you're probably going to die.

So you're going to get to the back of the line.

We're going to decide who gets treated based on survivability.

Or in California, a couple of years ago, they made it a law that every child that enters the education system has to be monitored the entire way through because they want to ensure equal you know that they all have equal opportunity well

how easy is that to manipulate so I think what what people really don't understand is that this human terrain map generates what is then called a pattern of life So it's not just what you do and what you say, it's when you don't do those things, or it's when you change your pattern of life.

They're able to identify changes.

So say, for example, you know when I was attacked and targeted for my reporting on Benghazi, one of the things that was the subversive thing in all the undercurrent behind all the attacks was trying to destroy my marriage and break up my home.

There were actually articles that were, you know, sort of hoping and celebrating this idea.

And then they started to attack my husband.

And they tried to suggest that, oh, my husband was, you know, some evil military propagandists and that, you know, that,

and the inference was, of course, they could only infer it because it's a complete and utter lie, that this somehow tainted my reporting you know and so what are they trying to do when they go after you when they cancel you they don't want to you to just lose your job they don't want Megan Kelly to lose her show they want her never ever ever to get another job in broadcasting ever again when they get rid of Glenn Beck and you know Bill O'Reilly and

they don't want you to survive they don't want you to be employed anywhere else so they want to destroy you financially they want to make sure that you know everyone when you have financial pressure it causes friction, right, in homes and in marriages and difficulties in people's lives.

And so, you see this over and over and over again.

What do they do?

They want you never to be hired, right?

They're going to say, Look what they're doing in corporate America.

They're saying, If you were a Trump supporter or you went to the Capitol on January 6th, you have to be fired.

If you're banked with, you're not allowed to bank with us.

You're not allowed Chick-fil-A.

You can't open a restaurant at a gas station or, you know, motor stop along the way because you don't, you're, you know, you're a bunch of

Christians and you don't support transgender rights

this is the best of the glenbeck program and don't forget rate us on iTunes

from the new book Los Angeles is hideous poems about an ugly city

Pretty as cinder block smeared with lipstick, oh blight of traffic and concrete dumpsters, thy principal building material is bathroom tiling grout.

Drenched in sunlight as compensation, like a chef at Applebee's, drowning freeze-dried sadness in cheese, to hide the shame.

The shame.

All the beauty of a parking lot, and yet, ironically, you'll never find a parking space.

Watch them toss palm trees at strip malls to gussy up the streets, like injecting Botox into a corpse.

Behold the concrete slabs with squares gouged out where dreamers peek from cramped rooms to gaze at hobos masturbating into open sewers.

'Tis not a city, but a meat grinder that devours skinny hopefuls and burps out chunks of porn star.

Los Angeles is

a prison yard with sparklers, chugging champagne beneath an overpass, a public toilet with a boob job.

Instagram filters on a dead harlot.

The end.

This written, this book is Los Angeles is Hideous, Poems About an Ugly City by a good friend of ours and a former co-worker, Andrew Heaton.

Welcome, Andrew.

How are you?

I'm great.

There are surreal moments in life where you go, this is not what I thought would be happening with my career.

I didn't think I would have Glenn Beck reading poetry I wrote, but you knocked that reading out of the park.

I got to say, that was a wonderful moment.

Yeah, well, thank you.

Thank you.

I kind of do it for a living.

That's true.

So

you weren't in a good space when you wrote this.

May I set the scene for you?

Yes, sir.

So I moved to Los Angeles in January of 2020.

Now, if you will recall.

May I just continue

why?

Ah, good question, Glenn.

I moved to Los Angeles for the networking, Glenn.

For the networking.

I knew I wasn't going to like Los Angeles, but I was going to be at parties with producers and models, you know,

making comedy, right?

Right.

Yes, it was the most expensive rent in my life in a 600-square-foot box, but I wasn't going to be in it that much.

I was going to be at diners meeting producers.

Cut to four months later.

We're heavy into lockdown.

I am in a bathtub eating Oreos out of a bowl of milk with a ladle because I'm too depressed to do dishes.

And I go, I don't think I can live in this city anymore and began jotting down my thoughts on it and worked through it in the book that you just read from.

Right.

So this is therapy.

Yes, this is very much therapy.

Yeah.

You.

To say you didn't like Los Angeles

is a bit of an understatement.

Am I wrong?

I think it is an aesthetic monstrosity.

And I just, every time I I went through it, I just, why would anyone allow this thing to happen?

And it just,

it's just this giant asphalt carbuncle of varicose veins of traffic holding together strip malls and rusted laundry machines.

And it's just everything, everything I aesthetically care about in life.

Like, I think Edinburgh is probably the prettiest city in the world.

It has a castle.

It has cobblestones.

And then Los Angeles is just this, oh, this, it's like if

you poked a cyclops and all the fat bubbled out and then congealed into cement.

And I just walked around gaping at it all the time.

Wow.

And I was like, I have to.

But at least the people were good.

You know, okay, well, I don't know.

I didn't get to meet any of the people.

I was eating Oreos at a bathtub with a ladle most of the time.

Well, I'll say that the thing that people generally say is, okay, granted, it's not the prettiest city, but there's a beach, though.

It's near a beach.

And I get that.

I'm not a beach guy, though.

I don't like sweating.

I also happen to think beaches are just a desert with a hole at the end.

And my recreational goal is not to try to get tired and sleepy next to a bunch of dead fish and sharks.

And so for me, all of that was lost.

So I was like, I don't care that it's sunny all the time.

Yes, I'm very happy to not be there anymore.

And I'm glad that somehow that became the gorgon-faced muse that would activate my poetry career.

So let me ask you this.

I'm just going to quickly read

Los Angeles, the River.

Hold on just a sec.

Behold.

Now go ahead.

Go roll the music here.

Behold the mighty Los Angeles River.

A lengthy concrete drainage ditch.

Wide as a shoebox, pretty as a penal shower, dribbling pollution into the city.

But if a river but trickles through a mortared gutter, Is it a river at all?

Or just a leak for some distant dehydrated mountain with an engorged prostate and bad aim?

Twice a year, the rain gets lost or drunk and shambles through L.A., sloshing life back into this trough.

But the rest of the time, it's merely the seepage of urban incontinence.

The end.

Again, well done.

I have to say,

I now wish I'd made this an audiobook and just done a glimpse of this.

Oh, if you do this,

oh, I'll cut it for you.

I would

love to cut this for you.

There's not really a happy ending in any of these.

No, in fact, the last poem is called The Big One, where I talk about if the Earth ever needs an enema, it would probably start with Los Angeles and just slough off into the drink.

No, it's, you know,

probably redeeming qualities to Los Angeles.

I didn't get to enjoy them.

I think I would probably risk harming myself if I stuck around long long enough to try and explore them.

So, no, it's mostly just working through the aesthetic monstrosity that is Los Angeles.

There is, you mentioned the people, there is a very brief poem in there called.

Wait, I have I have to give me the first bed, please.

The big one:

one day, the tectonic plates themselves will shudder at the ugliness, the traffic, the cost, the cilantro.

And the city will

wail and clatter like Jenga blocks at closing time.

Saith earthquake?

Nay, the earth itself is gagging.

When she finally retches hard enough and lets loose the big one, this wretched people clot, this horrible, this horrid asphalt carbuncle will sloth into the drink and the prophets shall come

and the prophets shall proclaim, lo,

the earth has given herself an enema.

People clot is an interesting way of looking at it.

It really is.

And it is kind of a people clot.

It's just massive.

Yeah, there's so many people there.

You know what?

I'll try.

I'm not going to go on a political tirade.

I'm going to really try hard not to go on a political tirade.

The reason that it's this giant urban, massive urban sprawl is because back in the 40s, I'm not making any of this up, the city fathers were afraid black people were going to get houses, and so they outlawed or they outlawed apartment complexes because they didn't want black people to live in the neighborhoods.

And they thought they probably live in apartments.

That seems to be the thing.

So we'll outlaw them and we'll make it so you can only have houses.

Like 80% of the housing that you can have in Los Angeles has to be single-family units because they never got rid of that.

So the city has to spread out.

It has to spread like maple syrup on a driveway because it's illegal to build up.

So, you know, what's weird is Phoenix has somewhat of the same story.

They just just didn't want to become Los Angeles.

And so they didn't build freeways.

Really?

Yeah.

For a long time.

For a long time.

Up until the 80s, there were no freeways in Phoenix.

And they were like, we'll just keep it small.

You know, if we don't have freeways, then we won't have any traffic.

It didn't work out for them.

Didn't have anything to do with black people.

Okay.

But Los Angeles is something special, I guess.

Yeah, and like they seem to be fine now in that regard, I think, but they've kept the old awful housing regulation all the same.

And it's like it's one of those things when you're walking around, you're seeing this massive sprawl.

It doesn't have to be that way, but they've kept it on the books.

And it just, oh, I drive around, you get stuck in traffic for an hour and a half.

And you're like, this is because of old dead racists that tried to mess with the housing market.

That's why this is happening.

And you haven't fixed it yet.

Yeah.

So what was your escape plan?

Because, I mean, if you just enter a lease in January 2020, I mean, you're committed for some time.

I did find a person to take over the lease for me.

And then I.

Wow, somebody dumber than you.

Yeah, exactly.

Right.

Well, but if I was going to find a city, I managed to find one.

And he took the lease.

Every single U-Haul was booked.

Gavin Newsom should be the U-Haul employee of the year.

And I couldn't find him.

So I left most of my furniture.

He got my bed, all my stuff.

You just?

I just left.

You just abandoned it.

I did a reverse Clampett family or like Jod family, like Grapes of Wrath, like right down the highway in my truck, like playing hillbilly hillbilly music in reverse, just escaping.

And then

I went and bought a 13-foot fiberglass camper from an 86-year-old guy named Dave who sold it to me because he just got married and he didn't think it was big enough for him and his wife.

And then I lived out of that for five months.

This is true.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

Can you go back on that story?

That wasn't self-explanatory.

Catch all that.

I don't know if I heard it right.

I left L.A.

and with all my stuff in my car,

not all your stuff.

Not all.

With a quarter of my perfect possessions that had managed to flee the city with me.

I bought a 13-foot, which is to say a pretty short, fiberglass camper that looked like an egg from an 86-year-old guy named Dave.

Got that marriage who sold it to me because he just got married.

He just got married.

To marry, I think a 75-year-old lady.

So

he did not think it was sufficient for them to vacation in.

So I bought that from him and then just lived out of that for five or six months.

Wow.

Kind of in a van down by the river.

Yeah.

So that's why I said at the beginning in the commercial that

did

for American Financing, hey, how's your financial world working out for you?

I'd love to ask the next guess because I'm guessing not real well.

My retirement plan consists of buying lottery tickets and hoping I'm special.

Wait, but no, that's not true because we have in our midst here potentially the number one poet on Amazon.

I mean, you're very close, right?

I think I was number 20.

Okay, I was number 200 on humor yesterday, number 20 in poetry.

So apparently I'm a better poet than I am funny, which is a surprise for me at this point in my career.

But I'm number 20.

I think if I get to number one, I become National Poet Laureate of the United States.

I think that's all.

That's how it works.

I think at least of California.

That'd be great.

So, okay, let's make this number one in poetry.

Can we please?

Los Angeles is hideous.

Poems about an ugly city.

I bought a Kindle version of it today.

Thank you.

Would you sign my Kindle?

I would be happy to sign my Kindle.

I'll etch my name into the back.

Los Angeles is Hideous.

Poems About an Ugly City.

I think this book should be everywhere.

Everywhere.

Because it tells the truth in a very

poetic sort of way.

It tells the truth about all of the light

and the love that you can find in Los Angeles.

Back with more in just a second.

Standby first.

Our sponsor this half hour is Goldline.

Buying gold is a hedge against insanity.

In fact, if he would have bought some gold he wouldn't have had the money that because he had no money in his pocket anyway probably wouldn't have had the money uh to go to los angeles and the people in los angeles would have looked at it and go that's crazy here let's go poop on the beach anyway um gold is a great hedge

they do that don't they uh yes yes

he's looking at me and i was like no they do that i mean i didn't go to the beach but yeah probably yeah it's like it's like a big litter box

how long did you live there i lived there for like six months and you you never went to the beach.

I went there one time.

Again, it's a litter box with dead fish.

I don't have any desire to go, but I went there one time.

All right.

I would have, man, that would have been a series.

That would have been a great series.

Just you in Los Angeles.

So are you like a hobo now?

I mean, do you have a place where you live?

Are you still living in Lula?

I live in the great city of Tulsa.

I moved there and I got a grant to live in Tulsa.

I don't know if this has popped up in the news feed for anybody, but there's this thing called Tulsa Remote, and they induced me to move there, having a great time.

Wait, wait, wait.

There's a what?

So, wait, what is the program?

Oh, there's a program where they're trying to attract, I guess, brilliant poets like myself.

I don't know what the criteria are, but

what a waste of money that is.

Holy.

If you get accepted to said program, you're given a lump sum, or you're given like a monthly stipend and then a lump sum at the end of the year.

And so,

my new retirement plan is convincing cities to pay me money to live in them.

And Tulsa is a nice one.

Convincing cities.

Is this not how regular finances work?

You got to look out for great guys to live in Tulsa.

That doesn't seem like a good investment for Tulsa.

No, they're getting a good suit collection.

I'm a nice guy.

I'm like, oh, and what is it you have to do for Tulsa?

I have to live there.

That's the deal.

That's the deal.

You have to live there.

I have to be a remote worker because they don't want you competing with anybody.

I've been to Tulsa.

It's not a place where I would feel like they'd have to pay you to live there.

It's not Los Angeles.

It's much nicer.

Way more trees, better tree-to-human ratio.

It only takes 20 minutes to get from one side to the other.

It's nice.

And I'll say, something that I actually really like about mid-sized cities that I hadn't anticipated is

I think they facilitate a melting pot better than large cities do.

Because when I lived in New York, you kind of clump with people that are similar to you, not thinking about it.

In Tulsa, there are two cigar bars.

So if you like cigars, you're going to meet every black, Latino, gay, transgender person in Tulsa who likes cigars.

We all are friends and we get along and we hang out and it's nice.

So I'm having a good time.

That's not surprising to me.

That's not surprising to me.

You're right.

In New York and Los Angeles, I think that's what happens.

You wind up walling yourself off in these little communities inside of these.

Because every other community is so hostile to your community.

You know what I mean?

You're like,

don't tell anybody, but I'm whatever.

Fill in the blank.

And the other side is like, if you find any of these guys, kill them.

See, conversely, Tulsa is great because you're allowed to just shout compliments at strangers for moving automobiles.

Like, not cat call, but like, I'll just roll down the window and like yell at couples on dates and be like, you look fantastic.

And they're like, they're like, thanks, mister.

Because we're basically at the 50s.

They'll go off to the sock up or whatever.

I like that.

Go eat Oreos at a bathtub.

Yeah, I like that.

So

you took a mutual friend of

ours,

or she took you home last night.

Yeah, well, yes, by which you mean her and her husband drove me to a friend's house.

Yeah.

Because for a second, I thought I had a more fun evening than I did.

No, I was like, this is great.

I'm surprised I found out from Glenn that I took somebody home.

I was like, oh, no, she just gave me a ride.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But she said that

you have a pretty convincing impression of me.

Oh, yeah.

I've got, okay, I've been working on a Glenn Beck impression.

Really?

Yeah.

Can I,

all right.

Stu, would you ask me if I like bananas, if Glenn likes bananas?

Glenn, do you like bananas?

Have you ever seen a man die

from potassium withdrawal?

Not a good way to go.

So that's my Glenn Becker question.

Wow, that's great.

It was very.

Wow, that's great.

Does it apply to all of is it always about potassium?

It needs to be deep, a little ominous, and involving potassium.

That's what I figured out.

So, like, if I said, hey, how are your kids?

They're great now.

Because

everything is taking place in the vestibule of the apocalypse.

Right.

Yes.

As long as you can see the apocalypse from wherever the statement's coming from, you're on.

Andrew Heaton, the host of his own very successful podcast, The Political Orphanage, comedian and now the author of the new book, Los Angeles is Hideous.

It is a true story and

poems written from the heart.

Andrew Heaton, as always, good to have you here.

Good to be here.

Thank you.

Where are you going from here?

I'm hanging out until I go on Stoo Show later today.

Yeah.

No, yeah.

I mean, we're still on the air.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, my bad.

It's okay.

He's allowed to mention my show on the air.

No, he's saying that.

I'm not on this program.

Yeah, I'll be here the rest of the day.

I'll probably head back to Tulsa tonight or tomorrow.

And what are you going to do from here?

Are you going to be doing comedy clubs or are you just going back home to eat?

National Cup Laureate will be the thing.

Yeah, I'll do that.

I'll probably travel around the summer.

We'll just start doing live meetups.

Might go to Scotland again.

In other words, you have up until the end of today planned.

Yes, that's correct.

For retirement purposes.

you'll be playing Milk Through Your Nose and Yuck Yucks in Salt Lake City until the end of September.

Los Angeles is hideous.

The new book, get it now.