Anxious Or Avoidant? Why Attachment Theory Is Keeping You Single

Everyone is talking about attachment styles right now. Anxious, avoided, disorganized.
It's everywhere on social media. Suddenly, every influencer and baby coach who just learned the term yesterday is an expert.
Even real professionals can't stop talking about it. You may be surprised to hear this from me, a therapist and coach, someone who's been counseling and coaching men, women, and couples for 25 years, but I'm telling you this, stop, stop listening to that and learning about it because none of that information matters at all when you're dating and looking for love, nor does it matter when you're in a long-term relationship.
All of this talk, all of the chatter and commentary and over-explaining attachment is not helping you.

In fact, it's actually hurting you, and it definitely won't help you find the love you

want. I know it sounds really contrarian, so today I'm telling you why it's such a harmful trap

and what you really need to do instead when you're deciding if someone is the right partner for you.

Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver podcast.
Thanks for tuning into the conversation. If you're new here, I'm Hillary Silver, former clinical therapist turned master coach.
I've been counseling and coaching high performers for 25 years. I'm also the founder of Ready for Love, a company completely dedicated to helping high achieving single women get the love and the life they want by focusing on the relationship that matters most, the one they have with themselves.
We are in the midst of an eight-week series I'm calling The Summer of Love. Whether you're single or coupled, I assure you that there will be something for everyone in these episodes because getting anything you want always starts with you.
So what do high-achieving, intelligent women do when something in their life isn't working, especially something as confusing and painful as your love life? You do what you've always done. You research, you analyze, and you problem solve.
You aim to fix it because you're a go-getter. Well, that works in many areas of your life, but when it comes to personal growth and relationships, it's just different.
So while you're reading the books and listening to the podcasts, even, and following all the experts, and even going to therapy to understand why you are the way that you are, and to learn about what kind of attachment style he has, none of that is going to help you. You think it is, but it's not.
And here are three reasons why and what actually matters instead. First, information doesn't create transformation.
Okay? I can't tell you how many times I've spoken with women who have done therapy for years, gone to the retreats, done the seminars, Tony Robbins events, and they even have stacks of books on their nightstand. And so they can talk the talk, telling me all about their patterns and why they do what they do and where it comes from.
But the problem is nothing has changed. They haven't changed.
This has them doing what I call knowing better and still not doing better. And this is so hard.
It's excruciating because it's like when you're trying to lose 20 pounds, right? You know you're not supposed to eat junk food when you're trying to lose weight, and then you do it anyway, falling into the same old patterns and the same old behavior traps. So gathering information and researching and learning is actually a distraction from moving forward and making meaningful change.
Learning about something and understanding it is not taking action. There's a big difference.
It's rumination and obsession and mental masturbation, just overthinking and overanalyzing. It's having a morbid curiosity and fascination about your own past and your own psychology and his.
So this is what I call being therapized, overly therapized. You've been in the works for years.
You know all the right terms. You can name all your patterns and you understand your childhood wounds and inside and out and how it all came to be in your head, but it hasn't landed in your body or in your choices or in your relationships.
So please stop spending all your time and energy learning about how you got to this point and why you do what you do, worrying about labeling your own attachment style and diagnosing his and how they either go together or they don't. And instead, just focus on what you need to do differently and how to do it so you can move forward and actually create real change and get the results that you want.
Focus on cultivating real inner security where your worth isn't tied to his behavior and your intuition becomes your guide. Second, all of this attachment BS keeps you intellectualizing the issue rather than learning to trust yourself.
So what I mean by this is the more you try to dig in deep to understand why someone is avoidant and what avoidant behavior looks like, you're following a list on paper, a list compiled of all the typical things an avoidant will do, all so that you can determine the label and categorize him. But as we all know, people are not cut and dry like that.
It's just not black and white. It's not so easy and neat and clean.
We are messy and unpredictable and inconsistent because we're human. We're not a mathematical equation.
When you're following the GPS map, the actual territory is not always the same, right? So GPS says there's a road here for me to turn onto, but I don't see a road. So the map tells me one thing, but the actual terrain is different.
So now what? You see what I mean? Just because someone told you what to expect from a man who is avoidant and what that will make you do as an anxious person doesn't necessarily mean it's actually so. So here's the danger in pigeonholing someone into a label.
You end up making judgments and then key decisions about this person based on this arbitrary label and information. You end up projecting your fears and doubts and insecurities onto this person and predicting the future, anticipating and trying to preempt any potential disappointment so you can cut it off before you get hurt.
But this is like fortune telling because you don't actually know what he or she will actually do. You can walk away from someone because you've decided they're avoidant and that doesn't work well for your attachment style, someone like you.
But this is playing it safe. It's playing defense against yourself.
So again, rather than worry about the labels and being in your head and analyzing and overthinking and intellectualizing the concept, just work on your own relationship with yourself. Focus on becoming the best version of you, a woman who shows up in her love life from a place of deep self-worth and wisdom.
And you only get that from having a rock-solid relationship with yourself, trusting yourself, listening to yourself, and deciding if being with this person is good for you or not, regardless of any label. And finally, just because someone reacts the way that they do today doesn't mean that they will do that all the time and forever into the future.
So this leads me to the last and most important point. And to be honest, this is something very few people talking about attachment can say.
I've been with my husband for 25 years. I have the advantage of perspective.
We have been through a lot together, raising two kids, losing parents, career changes, all the seasons of life. It's not always pretty and it's never perfect.
Just because I know all that I know doesn't mean that I get it right all the time. I most certainly do not.
But what I can tell you is this, it's a damn good thing. I wasn't thinking and overthinking about all this stuff when we first got together.
Who knows what I would have decided then if I was looking for all of the labels and the pathology or what he would have decided about me. We may have pushed each other away.
The truth is, over the years, I've been anxious and insecure, and so has he. I've avoided intimacy and connection at times, and so has he.
And I've been completely secure as well, all of which happens over the years together. We've hurt each other.
We have conflict, and then we figure it out together, and the connection deepens. So instead of wasting your precious energy dissecting his attachment style, or yours for that matter, what you really need to be assessing is can we have hard conversations? When I share myself, how does it feel? Not can I share myself with this person? That is not up to him.
That is up to you, and only you can decide that. So when you do share yourself, how are you received? How does he respond and how does it feel? How do I feel with this person? This is about self-trust above all and why it doesn't matter what kind of attachment style they have.
Just focus on yourself, learn to tune in and rely on yourself, becoming the best you. This is the deep, permanent

kind of change we help our clients create inside of Ready for Love. So if you're ready to stop

overthinking and start actually transforming the way you show up in your love life, watch the free