He Ghosted You? 3 Moves to Get Your Power Back

it's been a few months and just when you're starting to get excited about the potential with him, you're letting yourself feel for him.

You're getting invested, maybe even have sex.

He just vanishes.

He disappears with no warning, no explanation, and no closure.

It can feel like emotional whiplash.

It can even feel like a betrayal, a micro-trauma.

And that's because everything that you thought you were experiencing, your reality, is gone.

It's suddenly just no longer there, and now you question if it was even ever real.

Your brain and your nervous system go into overdrive, trying to figure out what happened, what you might have said or done wrong, and whether somehow you caused it.

You replay conversations in your head and wonder if you should reach out and demand an explanation or even just call him out on his behavior.

I know it feels so utterly powerless.

You had no say-so in the ending and likely never will.

It was determined for you without consideration of you.

It really just sucks all around.

There is no question about it.

So today I'm going to tell you what not to do when you get ghosted and three steps to get your power and your sanity back almost instantly.

Hi, it's Hillary.

Welcome to the Hillary Silver podcast.

Thanks for tuning into the conversation.

If you're new here, I'm Hilary Silver, former clinical therapist turned master coach.

I've been counseling and coaching high performers for 25 years.

I'm also the founder of Ready for Love, a company completely dedicated to helping high-achieving single women get the love and the life they want by focusing on the relationship that matters most, the one they have with themselves.

We are in the midst of an eight-week series I'm calling the Summer of Love.

Whether you're single or coupled, I assure you that there will be something for everyone in these episodes.

Because getting anything you want always starts with you.

So we have all been there, ghosted by someone, whether it's a romantic interest or even just a friend or a colleague.

When it happens, we don't just feel rejected, we feel discarded.

They didn't care enough to have a conversation, either somewhere along the way to address an issue that they're having or a conversation to part ways.

It feels like indifference on their part, which is the worst because it's like they literally do not care enough at all about us or the relationship to speak up and give it a chance.

It's a total disregard of our feelings and the relationship, right?

And for the ghosted, at first, we make it all about us.

The self-doubt and maybe even the panic kicks in.

Did I say something wrong?

Did I come on too strong?

Was I too much?

And then it's all about him, maybe going back and forth between being mad at him and being worried about him or having compassion for him.

So one minute, you're berating him.

What an asshole.

He's immature.

He's a coward.

He's a narcissist.

And the next minute, we're trying to psychoanalyze him.

Why is he the way that he is?

You start mind-reading.

You start making excuses for him.

You rationalize his behavior.

Maybe he got scared.

Maybe he wasn't ready for someone like me.

Maybe he just didn't know how to tell me the truth.

And look, I get it.

We do this because we're desperate for answers, anything to make sense of the senseless.

But making excuses for someone is actually self-protection in disguise.

You're searching for an explanation that softens the blow for you.

It's an emotional survival strategy to manage the pain that you feel from being dismissed, disregarded, or devalued.

It's an attempt to rewrite the story so you don't have to feel rejected, betrayed, or foolish.

If I can just understand why he did this, I can tell myself he's just scared or wounded or overwhelmed.

Then maybe it's not that he didn't care.

Maybe it's not that I wasn't enough.

Maybe he did actually really care about me.

So let me be clear.

Trying to figure out why he ghosted you is a trap, so we're not gonna do that, okay?

People ghost for all kinds of reasons.

Some people don't wanna hurt your feelings.

Some people lack the maturity to be direct.

Some are just emotionally unavailable or overwhelmed.

And yes, some simply don't care enough to communicate with you.

There's so many reasons.

So here's the thing.

You will never know for sure and it just doesn't matter.

None of that helps you.

Trying to understand him only keeps you in his energy and that is not where your power is.

So instead of making it about him, let's make it about you.

Not in a self-blame kind of way, but a self-empowerment kind of way.

So let's get into the three power moves.

Power move number one, take inventory.

From a place of power, you're already asking yourself, what did I do wrong?

So let's redirect that question in a way that serves you.

You're going to step back and act like an impartial observer, just gathering information.

Ask yourself, what did I do, if anything, to contribute to this situation and dynamic?

Was I showing up fully as myself?

If not, that is a problem because you were not being authentic and giving him the real you.

You weren't emotionally available.

Was I ignoring red flags?

Were there signs that it wasn't really going as well as you wanted it to be?

Or something just wasn't right all along and you knew it, but you pushed it aside.

Was I settling for crumbs?

So this isn't about beating yourself up.

It's about taking responsibility for your part in it because if you can see where you went wrong, you know that you'll never do it again.

If ghosting is something that has happened more than once, it's a clue.

Not that you're broken or unworthy or undeserving, but that there might be something inside of you that tolerates, attracts, or overlooks this kind of behavior.

Maybe you tend to people please.

Maybe you get attached too quickly.

Maybe you don't express your standards clearly.

Or maybe deep down, you don't feel like you deserve to ask for more.

Whatever it is, owning it gives you power because what you own, you can change.

And if after you evaluate yourself objectively here and you don't see anything wrong, great, move on to step two.

You are not responsible for his decision and his choice to ghost you.

But if you can see how you contributed to this whole dynamic with him, then you are now empowered.

Okay, your second power move.

Detach.

There is an important distinction I want to make here.

Things happen to us all the time, but what really affects us isn't the event itself.

It's the meaning we assign to it.

So in this case, the data is that he disappeared.

That might be fact, but the interpretation might be many things.

He didn't care about me.

I wasn't good enough.

He's emotionally avoidant.

You can see how we can really attach any story that we want to that one piece of data, to the event.

And the truth is there are always multiple stories that you could tell but not all of them are going to serve you so when you catch yourself spiraling into what it meant I want you to pause because this is what I want you to hear being ghosted is not the same as being rejected Let me say that again.

Being ghosted is not the same as being rejected.

Yes, it might feel like a rejection, but in reality, it was just an ending.

One you didn't initiate, but that doesn't make it about your worth.

They walked away, and they did it in a way that you wouldn't have.

That alone tells you everything that you need to know.

If it wasn't a fit, it wasn't a fit.

Maybe you would have tried longer, held on tighter, stayed, and invested.

But they made the call, and how they made it is their business.

So, what do you do with it now?

That's your power.

So, here's the most important part of this step: detach your worth from their behavior.

Who you are does not change based on who stays or leaves.

Your value isn't diminished by someone else's inability to see it.

You are still you, and they didn't take a single ounce of your worth with them when they left.

Your worth is inside of you, inside of you, intact.

It is yours.

They don't determine your worth.

You do.

Got it?

So power move number three.

Now we're going to make new meaning and redefine the experience.

So this is where you take your power back all the way.

When someone ghosts to you, the brain wants closure.

So you're going to give it to yourself.

You decide what happened.

You make the meaning that serves you.

Instead of obsessing over the why, which gives your power away, you're going to shift into gratitude for the experience.

Yes, gratitude.

How's that for a powerful reframe?

Because if this is is who he is, you are actually grateful.

You're no longer with him.

He is not your person.

This is actually applicable to all ghosting situations too, by the way.

So here are three powerful examples of statements that you can use and repeat to yourself.

Thank you for showing me who you are.

I might not have seen this side of you otherwise.

Or thank you for reminding me why we aren't together anymore or shouldn't be together.

Thank you for ending this now because I might have stayed too long and wasted time with you.

You're the wrong person for me because I deserve better than someone who behaves like this.

And wow, you're just not the person I thought you were.

Or we are just two very different people.

I'm not interested in someone who lacks the capacity to communicate with basic decency.

These are just examples of power statements that you can say to yourself in your own mind that will help you shift back into your personal power.

Maybe even say it out loud to yourself.

It helps you reclaim your worth, reminding yourself that your worth is inside of you and he did not take it with him when he disappeared.

Those aren't just affirmations, they are declarations which have an entirely different energy behind them.

Can you feel it?

How someone exits says way more about them than it ever could about you.

At the end of the day, ghosting is a mirror, if you choose to see it that way, reflecting both where he is with himself and where you are with yourself it's an opportunity for you to grow and to level up and that my friends is how you get your power back instantly when you've been ghosted this kind of mindset and identity shifting is the foundation of what we do in ready for love it's utterly life-changing in the best possible way if you're ready to do the inner work to stop repeating the same patterns and finally create the love that you deserve the the kind that's reciprocal and secure and real.

Watch my free masterclass where I'm walking you through the four-step method I've used with thousands of high-achieving women just like you since 2017.

HilarySilver.com forward slash masterclass.

Or apply for a breakthrough call with my team.

It's free, but only for women who are really ready and committed to making themselves and this part of their lives a priority.

Thanks for being here and next week we are going to wrap up the Summer of Love series with a bonus episode to just round out the final summer month.

We'll be talking about the three biggest blind spots women have when dating.

You do not wanna miss that.

So make sure that you're subscribed and follow the show.

And I'll see you next time.