Transforming the Hustler Into A Resilient Leader with Keith Mercurio

Speaker 1 I'll just share with you, I've been, my word of the year is surrender.

Speaker 1 Surrender. I've spent so much of my life trying to fight reality, will things to happen, and especially to try to become this idealized or this ideal man that I thought I was supposed to be.

Speaker 1 And in that, I really lost track of the ability to be present to the man that I always was meant to be.

Speaker 1 And so, you know, from any traditional place, it's in the course of this, I've had to look at myself. You know, I had a pretty successful career.
You know, I've took good care of myself.

Speaker 1 I made a good bit of money. I looked good.
I was healthy. I was fit.
You know, I was smart. Like I thought I'd done all the things necessary to check the boxes to be a great husband.

Speaker 1 But what was missing was some character pieces and some, I think, some real comfort with who I am.

Speaker 1 as opposed to always striving to become somebody that I was supposed to, in my mind, be.

Speaker 2 Welcome to the Home Service Expert, where each week, Tommy chats with world-class entrepreneurs and experts in various fields like marketing, sales, hiring, and leadership to find out what's really behind their success in business.

Speaker 2 Now, your host, the Home Service Millionaire, Tommy Mellow.

Speaker 2 Before we get started, I wanted to share two important things with you. First, I want you to implement what you learned today.

Speaker 2 To do that, you'll have to take a lot of notes, but I also want you to fully concentrate on the interview. So I asked the team to take notes for you.
Just text notes, N-O-T-E-S to 888-526-1299.

Speaker 2 That's 888-526-1299. And you'll receive a link to download the notes from today's episode.
Also, if you haven't got your copy of my newest book, Elevate, please go check it out.

Speaker 2 I'll share with you how I attracted and developed a winning team that helped me build a $200 million company in 22 states. Just go to elevateandwin.com forward slash podcast to get your copy.

Speaker 2 Now, let's go back into the interview. All right, guys, welcome back to the home service expert.
Today is a good friend of mine.

Speaker 2 Shared the stage with him now about three times, and he'll be at the Freedom Event September 25th in San Diego. Love having Keith Mercurio.

Speaker 2 He's an expert of sales, leadership, communication, training, and development. Was based in Wilmington.
I just got news. He's in Austin.

Speaker 2 He's the senior director executive of success at Service Titan for the last four years. He's the founder and CEO of Ethical Influence Global, and he's been doing that about three years.

Speaker 2 And he was also involved as the director of training at Nexstar for about eight years.

Speaker 2 And he knows everything about the home service space. He works with some of my dear friends at Service Titan.
And

Speaker 2 he's gone through a lot. this last year or two and

Speaker 2 some of the stuff I just found out about. And, you know, trials and tribulations, Keith.
Let's let's hear what's going on in your life.

Speaker 2 I know work has always kind of kept you focused, but sometimes life slaps you in the side of the face. So let's just jump right into it, brother.

Speaker 1 That's that's fair. I think that's the reasonable starting point.
I get, you know, people ask me, they say, how are you? I say, I'm pretty good, or I'm good. You know, I'm okay.

Speaker 1 They say, how are things? I go, things are fucking awful.

Speaker 1 That's the

Speaker 1 clear distinction as far as how life has been,

Speaker 1 you know, been rolling. So, we lost dad back in January, and

Speaker 1 that was 18 months after mom. And of course, at the tail end of his battle with Alzheimer's, which I would love to tell you about that because it's actually an extraordinary story and a huge relief.

Speaker 1 So, his death was a welcome one, nevertheless, difficult, but at the same time, going through a separation and divorce and a relocation from Wilmington.

Speaker 1 So, immense amount of loss in one period of time and really testing my mettle for sure. So, So,

Speaker 2 yeah. So, I know the story of dad pretty well.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 The divorce thing threw me off guard, but you're going through all this pain of losing two parents in the matter of 18 months.

Speaker 2 And then this just kind of throws the relocation, divorce, losing two parents. I don't think a whole lot of people can imagine that.
I mean, you're not. in your 60s.

Speaker 2 You know, I know a lot, like, I know a lot of people that still have their parents till their 60s. You know,

Speaker 2 It's a lot more when they're at an age that they, I don't know, it's just crazy. So let's just, Tommy, let's dive into your dad a little bit.

Speaker 2 And then I don't know if you want to talk about the divorce at all, but.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, just to the extent that honors, you know, everybody involved, I'm happy to, this is what I'll say. And first of all, I appreciate the acknowledgement, like the empathy there.

Speaker 1 So that's such a beautiful lesson that I've learned in all this, Tommy, because so quickly when you share with people like that that stuff's going on, people want, and this is, I think, a really important thing to understand just in human nature, but people want to just immediately make it okay.

Speaker 1 So they'll say stuff like, but I know you're tough, you know, you're going to be okay. You're going to be fine.
You're going to make it through, you know, just one day at a time.

Speaker 1 And they want to give you kind of that encouragement. And I got to tell you, there's something about that that I understand where it's coming from.
But now that I've been on the other side of it, I.

Speaker 1 what you just did, which is just saying, oh my God, that's a lot. And I can't imagine, is so much more comforting than people telling you, you're going to be all right.

Speaker 1 And I think it's a really powerful thing. So thank you for that, because that's that little breath of acknowledgement, like, wow, that's, dude, that's a lot.
It is a lot.

Speaker 1 Like, I'll handle the I'm going to be all right part. Like, that's my own work to do.

Speaker 1 But, you know, I think that one of the things I've learned is that people do that because they want to feel better.

Speaker 1 And so they want to make you feel better so they can feel better so that the situation can just, you know, move out of the awkwardness instead of sitting with it. And so I appreciate that.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you that the hardest part is that, and it's an awesome lesson, when you lose all of that at once, there's no one left to be proud of you.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that has been ultimately like what this period has brought front and center for me is that I have spent so much of my life seeking validation from other people.

Speaker 1 And suddenly, you know, the primary people from whom that validation was being sought or, you know, was kind of like your, you know, the primary jury of how you were doing, how I was doing, they're gone.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that has just put such a highlight on the fact that, A, I never really learned as a person, as a man, to be my own source of validation.

Speaker 1 And so I was constantly seeking it, which frankly, I would tell you is a big part of why the marriage ended up where it has and my responsibility in that.

Speaker 1 And two, it's like now this is this new proving ground where each day I come to a quiet end to my day. And

Speaker 1 it's my own job to look at the work I did and evaluate. the caliber and quality of my day because no one's watching.
There's no one watching. So it's really interesting and beautiful and painful.

Speaker 1 All the above.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know your dad had a lot of effect. We, it was really sweet what you did on stage.
And just, I know you've been going through this. We talked about this on the podcast.

Speaker 2 And I believe he was a seventh grade, was a social studies teacher.

Speaker 1 English.

Speaker 2 English. I screwed that up.

Speaker 1 That's okay.

Speaker 2 But he knew a lot of.

Speaker 2 The students would walk up and say, that's my favorite. He had an impact, you know, for a long time on people.

Speaker 2 and i remember in eighth grade i had the same teacher so with mr walerski and i think about just the impact he had on my life and it's just nice to know your father had that much impact and you know i guess the good news is he's no more suffering that's right and you know personally this is my own belief but i believe i'm going to heaven and i'm not trying to get religious on you and it's this doesn't make it okay to not mourn but i i hope your mom and dad are looking down at you still saying, I'm proud of my son, because to think that we're nothing and we just go somewhere, we're off nothing.

Speaker 2 I just, my brain does not think that I'm on this planet for no reason. I don't think I'm an accident.

Speaker 1 Look, a couple of things. One, you're welcome to go religious on me.
There's no such, you can share whatever you want. with me.
I'm happy to hear it and to be present to it and to listen to it.

Speaker 1 You know, I mean, that's our belief systems are the fabric of who we are. So to not want to hear someone's to me would be to not want to know someone.

Speaker 1 But, you know, I didn't know what to believe until I witnessed my mom's death. And I mean, she was, you know, we were bedside with her.
She was extremely overweight at that point, very weak.

Speaker 1 She'd been on oxygen for well over a year and in a wheelchair. So physically, she was like, had absolutely no core strength whatsoever.
Right.

Speaker 1 But when we took her off her oxygen and she started the journey to her death, there was a moment. It was a gray day, really gray day.
And suddenly the room filled with light.

Speaker 1 And my mom took this gasping breath. Her eyes opened up and she lifted straight up off the bed, up, up,

Speaker 1 eyes opened, looking straight up. And she didn't possess an ounce of physical strength that would have explained that.
And I mean, my whole family bared witness to it.

Speaker 1 And we, I mean, I at least, without equivocation, knew that that was the moment her soul left her body. And it was, I mean, I don't know where she went.

Speaker 1 I actually, I heard a beautiful sermon recently for my cousin's wife. And the minister shared this idea that they don't ever leave, that they just remain here in presence.

Speaker 1 And that's part of the experience of always having them with us, which I thought was also a gorgeous belief. And what I loved about his

Speaker 1 take was, you know, he wasn't trying to tell us that he knew what happened. He was a non-denominational minister, but man, he was a pretty cool student and observer rather than

Speaker 1 preacher. And it was a beautiful take on it.
And yeah, man, we watched, you know, I watched dad for a couple of weeks. He made a decision.
And I mean, I can share that with you.

Speaker 1 I don't know if we're kicking off the podcast with the story of death and divorce is what people were looking for when they tuned in here. But, you know, fuck it.
I'm here for it if you are.

Speaker 1 So, because that story is just badass. I mean, my, my dad, in August, I put together a five-year plan for him based on where he was at and his journey with Alzheimer's and his physical well-being.

Speaker 1 So August, I put together a five-year care plan for his finances and everything else, but he had a different plan. And in November, you know, his Alzheimer's had gotten really, really bad.

Speaker 1 And, but my brother came up to visit with the grandkids and his wife. And my dad summoned an hour of lucidity where he was totally present, knew what was going on.

Speaker 1 My little nephew, who's not that little, he's 16, my nephew Aiden,

Speaker 1 he recognized recognized like the profundity of the moment. He actually took notes on what my dad said.
And my dad

Speaker 1 said to my brother, he said, I've lived a good life. I made good kids, but it's time for me to go.
I become a burden and I want to go be with my wife.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 he said, and I need you to let me go so I can let myself go. All right.

Speaker 1 My brother, of course, was, you know, crying, told him, you know, go, buddy. You know, and for all of us, I mean, we wanted to be able to give that that to my father.

Speaker 1 I mean, it was the suffering was horrendous for everybody involved.

Speaker 1 But there wasn't any way to do that except the one and only way my dad did, which is from that moment on, he started refusing to eat. He just stopped eating.

Speaker 1 And he, between November to January 26th, my dad stopped eating. He shut it down.
And he just straight welcomed death. He ushered it in, called it in.
And I sat there for a few days watching him.

Speaker 1 We knew, by the way, unlike my mother, who had a time, a date, and a party around her for her passing, my dad, he was going to do that

Speaker 1 on his own. And so he slipped away at one o'clock in the morning, middle of the night.
That was more his style.

Speaker 1 But for several days, I sat with him and watched him just, you know, dancing with the spirits, talking with God. I mean, just all types of wild stuff.

Speaker 1 And he just willed his own death in like like an absolute warrior.

Speaker 1 You know, I've said in his eulogy that the great poetic injustice was to watch this man who had mastered the English language get stripped of his ability to speak it.

Speaker 1 Well, leave it to him that his most powerful lesson that he would teach would be one in which no words were spoken. That was something to witness.
So,

Speaker 2 and that

Speaker 2 tell me what's in Austin.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 let me start with my, I mean,

Speaker 1 okay. One of my best friends lives here, guy who's been through it with me.
He lives down here. You know, I'm like, where am I going to go? You know, tough to decide where to land next.

Speaker 1 There's some places that I like, but I didn't have people there. I wanted a place where I at least had some people, you know? So.
He's been down here for 10 years. I've been here a bunch.

Speaker 1 Love this city.

Speaker 1 You know, I've always been a hippie in a cowboy hat like that's my style i'm a big country music fan drive my old trucks and stuff like that and so in that way i get to kind of just be myself and not have to explain why i'm wearing boots and a hat every day like uh people would make me for the last 10 15 years so that really fits my vibe austin man austin's tagline is keep austin weird i don't think anybody would ever accuse me of being a normal person so in that way i think i'm only additive to the culture down here and you know if i'm going to start over it's a great it's a it's a city with a lot to do, a lot of open-minded people.

Speaker 1 It's incredibly friendly. And, you know, just, well, and last thing, it's central time zone, which is superior for watching sports.
So

Speaker 1 happy to be back in the central time zone.

Speaker 2 And it's a lot easier to travel. I mean, you're centrally located.
You can get up north, get out west, you could get out east pretty easily.

Speaker 1 100%. Yeah.
Those are all factors. It's a good airport.
You know, it's, yeah, it's been great. It's been, you know, like everything.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's had, there's a honky-tonk right down the street that I spend most of my Friday nights at, and that brings me a lot of joy. And then there's been some, some sadness to it, you know? So

Speaker 1 that's what life has been for the last couple of years. It's like, you know, it's been heavy.
I accept that. Although, well, this is, I saw a meme the other day, Tommy.
It said,

Speaker 1 You know, you're going through it when everybody keeps telling you you're the toughest person they know, the strongest person they know. And I was like, I am ready to relinquish that banner.

Speaker 1 I would like to,

Speaker 1 I'd like to retire from battle. Thank you very much.
I don't know what I'm being prepared for. A lot of, you get a lot of folks saying that, well, God's just preparing you for what's next.

Speaker 1 Like, am I saving the fucking world? What am I getting prepared for here?

Speaker 1 Like, can we go back to all the days when everyone told me how easy my life was? Cause how lucky I was? I would, I liked those days a lot.

Speaker 2 You know, the one thing I will say is:

Speaker 2 you don't know how much time you have. You don't know if tomorrow's the last day.
You don't know anything about that. I guess parents are easier to understand than your kids.

Speaker 2 Everybody would probably say that

Speaker 2 because losing a child is like next level.

Speaker 2 But, you know, it's a hard, it's hard to really think about because there's a lot of people listening right now that are probably, you can't turn back the clock. You can't go back in time.

Speaker 2 The one thing that I've realized hanging out with very successful people is they start really

Speaker 1 really really

Speaker 2 focusing on time and health

Speaker 2 and um you know i told my mom for her birthday and i'm not making this about trying to switch the topic of that's what humans do relate relate to me tell me about your mom's birthday well i just sat there and kind of just thought you know it was her 70th birthday and i said you know i want to give you something i haven't been a great son about and that's more time and I started crying, and

Speaker 2 I wanted everything to stop with me: the divorces, the alcoholism, you know, the so on and so forth. And I just, I just thought a lot about it.

Speaker 2 I said, you know, the only thing she wants is me to be healthy and to know I'm doing okay, really.

Speaker 2 One of my buddies told me, I call my mom every day and say, I'm happy and I'm healthy. And I wanted you to know that.
And

Speaker 2 yeah, I think that

Speaker 2 one day you just wake up and it's gone. My grandma told me this one day.
We were there together on New Year's and she's like, it doesn't slow down. It speeds up.
You wake up. I mean, I'm 41.

Speaker 2 I remember when I was 22, I remember still being in elementary school.

Speaker 1 41.

Speaker 2 And I think it happens so fast. And I used to live in the future.
I mean, Keith, I used to live 15 years down the road. I didn't know what today was.
I didn't know what this year was.

Speaker 2 Now I'm just trying to live live in the present. Just try to be aware.
Try to make the most of today, you know?

Speaker 1 Brother, I, so first of all, thank you for sharing that. I think,

Speaker 1 you know, hearing that you're making that commitment to your mom is,

Speaker 1 it's really beautiful. And I, you know, of course, everybody told me that,

Speaker 1 you know, how much you'll miss them. Right.
When they're gone, especially her. Jesus, she'd love to tell me that.
You're going to miss me when you're gone. And when I'm gone, right?

Speaker 1 That was her way of handling every single moment in which we misbehaved as kids, you know, just to immediately laden us with guilt. Very, very

Speaker 1 Catholic-centric tactic from her. So anyway, I think it's beautiful that you're, you know, taking that time.
I wish I could tell people to do it.

Speaker 1 I try not to give people too much advice on these topics because it's like, truly, I'm learning that. Like, as much as I think I got stuff, I didn't get it.
Like, I didn't get it here.

Speaker 1 To understand something is probably, I think maybe the most, you know, you've heard me talk about this, to know something

Speaker 1 is the least productive state for doing something with it. You know, just to know something is,

Speaker 1 I think it tricks us into thinking that knowing something is doing something with it. Right.

Speaker 1 And I don't, I don't have many regrets in that regard, not with mom and dad anyway. Certainly I have plenty with the marriage.
But.

Speaker 1 you know, all of these lessons, I guess, they have to get learned in their own time.

Speaker 1 And, you know, it honestly makes me think so much about just my role as a coach because I'm, you know, I try to bring people to maybe some insights and looking at things a little bit differently so they can make a different choice in the moment.

Speaker 1 But still, I mean, you know, people have to want to learn the lesson for it to make it through. I mean, there's just, there is no way to teach somebody that, which they do not want to know.

Speaker 1 And I just keep, as I get older, that's the thing I think I'm seeing more and more. But I love that you're doing that.

Speaker 1 Do you have any special plans with your mom that you're going to like create dedicated time with her?

Speaker 2 You know, I just got through this big golf trip with my dad.

Speaker 2 And, you know, I've been making the newest thing for me is actually setting the next year's calendar and zero, like, nothing happens on those dates. Otherwise, something always comes up.

Speaker 2 So, like, me and mom have been spending a lot of quality time together, and my stepdad, and my dad, because I almost lost my dad.

Speaker 2 And to be there on Father's Day, we golfed 36 holes, 18 holes, then 36 holes. And I snuck my dad in last minute with 24 guys.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, dad, are you sure you're going to be able to keep up? I'm like, either way, you don't have to golf all the holes. And he's like, hell yeah, I'm going to keep up.

Speaker 2 And after the first 18, he goes,

Speaker 2 you know, Tommy, it says anybody over 70. or no, a 65 gets to golf from the front tees.
And all my buddies, my cousins, and everybody with me were like, no, you can't go from there.

Speaker 2 And he's like, I'm 71.

Speaker 2 He was smacking the ball almost to the green. It was so far up front.
And he's like, The guys got so pissed off because we golfed again. He played from the gold that we ended up winning.

Speaker 2 And I guess, you know, I'm starting to really, really, really like,

Speaker 2 really have sacred time. And I've been reflecting a lot more, which is not of my nature here.

Speaker 2 But,

Speaker 2 you know, the lessons that people want to learn, you got to help people find their path.

Speaker 2 I was on the stage with you in November, and this lady, I just saw her at this event in Philadelphia, and she took a picture of the before and after, and she had lost 50 pounds.

Speaker 2 And she said, Tommy, you weren't very nice about it.

Speaker 2 You said, you've got every excuse in the world why you're not healthy, why you're not spending time with family, why you say your kids and your wife or husband are the most important thing, but your credit cards and your calendar don't say that.

Speaker 2 And she posted a picture 50 pounds lighter and and she goes, Tommy, I made every excuse why I was overweight. I said, I'm big boned, all this stuff.
And you knocked the excuses out.

Speaker 2 And all I did is go on that plane and said, I do have a choice.

Speaker 2 And you should see the smile on this woman's face, the proud feeling and just the healthiness of like her mobility and like her activity level and just the way she talks and smiles again.

Speaker 2 And so, yeah, a lot of people are not ready till they're ready. But some people,

Speaker 2 you need to really dig deep and you need to find that i didn't know that this particular woman was going to feel that way but i keep getting messages sometimes daily sometimes weekly of i'm down 40 pounds i'm down 80 pounds so this next event at san diego i'm going to pull everybody on stage that actually took action because now i'm starting to realize keith

Speaker 2 is if you don't feel good when you wake up And you're always leading towards the fat food. Like, listen, I'm nobody to talk.
I've made a lot of mistakes.

Speaker 2 I'm not in the perfect of health, but I'm really making it a priority. And the way I feel about myself is some of the best I've ever felt.
And I just wanted to share that. Like I feel great.

Speaker 2 Like my energy level, the euphoria, the dopamine release of doing something hard every day when I don't want to do it. And when I come home, I don't want to walk an hour at night.

Speaker 2 It's a pain in the ass, but I do it. And I feel so good, like this euphoric feeling.
And I want to share that with everybody because people are like, the money's not the answer.

Speaker 2 I'm living proof that all the money in the world, what everybody's chasing. Keith, the biggest thing I've realized is I go, why do you want 100 million?

Speaker 2 They're like, you proved you could get to 100 million and beyond.

Speaker 1 And I go, but why?

Speaker 2 Do you want my life? Do you want to know all the struggles?

Speaker 1 Do you want to know what's happened?

Speaker 2 Because I'm two decades into this thing. Why do you want this life? This guy came out from Australia and he said, I'm going to leave the business to the kids.

Speaker 2 His four sons were sitting around the table. We were out at dinner.
And I said, don't lie to me in front of your dad.

Speaker 2 If you each had $5 million and your dad had $10 million, which was the business is worth, you knew dad could live every dream he wants and you got $5 million each to go run your own paths.

Speaker 2 And don't lie to me. I know dad's here.
I said, would you want that more?

Speaker 2 Every single one of those boys said, yes. We'd rather have that, even though it's dad's legacy.
And he couldn't believe it. Because a lot of us want our kids, we think we know what's best.

Speaker 2 The money, Gino Wickman, I was on a podcast with him. He goes, dude, I got more money than I knew what to do with one day.

Speaker 2 And I felt unfulfilled. He's like, I actually got more depressed.
I lost my reason for living, really. I had a bunch of money, this gold treasure, and I felt unfulfilled.

Speaker 2 And I just, I know it's easy to say because I've done well and there's a lot of money, but it's not. I want the freedom.
I want to be able to live.

Speaker 2 And money makes choices easier, but it's just so hard to talk to people because they're like, but you've done it. Like it's easy for you to say what.
And I'm like, but it's not the answer.

Speaker 2 Hey, I hope you're enjoying this podcast today. I just wanted to take a few seconds to remind you that the early bird tickets for the freedom event are going away soon.

Speaker 2 This means the $400 off on the elite and VIP tickets will not be available anymore and the general admission price is going up too.

Speaker 2 Plus, you're going to miss out on a bunch of bonuses that are almost worth the ticket themselves.

Speaker 2 Listen, this year we put together the best leadership panel that I've ever seen at any home service industry event. Combined, their annual revenue is over a billion dollars.

Speaker 2 I'm talking about Aaron Gaynor, the owner of Eco Plumbers, a great friend of mine, who's doing like $70 million a year. Paul Reed, the owner of the Northwest Roofing $30 million business.

Speaker 2 Paul Kelly, the president of Parker and Sons, doing $280 million a year.

Speaker 2 Ken Goodrich, the chairman of Ghetto Air Conditioning and Plumbing, a great friend of mine doing several several hundreds of millions.

Speaker 2 And Leland Smith, the founder of Service Champions, a $500 million business.

Speaker 2 If you want to stop struggling for leads, struggling to find great people and working crazy hours every week, it's time to make a decision. Get your tickets for the freedom event at freedomevent.com.

Speaker 2 That's freedomevent.com. Early bird ends on August 5th.
Now let's get back to today's podcast episode.

Speaker 2 You don't need $100 million.

Speaker 2 And I'm just to this point now of like sell your business within three years, take the money, live your best life, and do it again.

Speaker 2 Look at this as an asset instead of your life, instead of your baby, build it up.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I'm going off on a tangent here.

Speaker 1 Well, that's an understatement. About a half a dozen of them, but they were all worth chasing down.

Speaker 1 This is where I'm going to go just show you the quality of coach I am and bring you back to the original question that started this, which is, have you made time to spend spend with your mom that you've scheduled?

Speaker 1 So, I'm just going to remind you because I know that that answer was a long no that you just gave me, that you haven't exactly scheduled time.

Speaker 2 I know we haven't made eight trips planned, I couldn't give you one, but we're going to be in Milwaukee for the 4th of July together.

Speaker 1 Good. So, just that's my little nudge to you to also make sure that you put that time on the calendar because I listened to you go on a beautiful run after that.
Um,

Speaker 1 the story about your dad is unbelievable. Was that your bachelor party? Or was that a golf trip?

Speaker 1 It was just a golf trip.

Speaker 2 This was not at the bachelor level yet.

Speaker 1 Bree is

Speaker 2 but hasn't happened quite.

Speaker 1 Gotcha, gotcha. So then the additional piece is I love that you made him a part of that.
My dad was my best man at my wedding, which I'm so glad I got to do that.

Speaker 2 That's awesome.

Speaker 1 You know, so those are like, yeah, keep doing that. The health piece, man, I couldn't be more with you.

Speaker 1 And I also just want to like remind people, it's not the only answer either, because I'll tell you, I have part of this for me, I can't believe how far I'd fallen off on my sort of health routines the way I was living in North Carolina.

Speaker 1 I was drinking so, so much and was really just not, you know, not in a healthy space mentally, physically, emotionally, any of it. I was really sick.

Speaker 1 And one of the things that the separation led to was just a complete renewed. commitment to the fitness and the quality of life.

Speaker 1 And what has astonished me, and I'll just share this really quickly, what what truly blew my mind. I've done, I've been health-focused a lot in my life.

Speaker 1 I've done a lot of really intense regimens, routines, strict plans, everything else. And yet, I have never had a healthier,

Speaker 1 more impressive result than what this last six months has provided. With the staples of it being just mostly, mostly eating like good whole foods, 80 to 90%,

Speaker 1 lifting weights for 30 minutes to an hour in the gym every day, just slow lifting and going for walks. And I would never have believed that those things could possibly equate.

Speaker 1 I was a, you know, I was always doing HIIT training and, you know, some kind of, you know, intense workouts and, and feeling like I had to have some sort of,

Speaker 1 you know, specific meal plan and everything else in order to achieve anything. I'm amazed how simple this is.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I've lost probably close to 15 or 20 pounds in fat over that six-month period. It's been remarkable.
So I'm with you there.

Speaker 1 And just like, just a quick note that just going for walks and lifting weights and eating whole foods is actually,

Speaker 1 I think for most people, it may seem too simple to be true, but it's incredibly powerful.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, kind of coming to the conclusion with this, I mean, my God, man, the money piece is remarkable. Of course,

Speaker 1 I'm also facing the reality of losing a lot of money that had been, right, in the course of, which is something I never expected, but as a result of going through a divorce, giving away a lot of that, which has been earned.

Speaker 1 And I'll just share with you, I've been, my word of the year is surrender.

Speaker 1 Surrender. I've spent so much of my life trying to fight reality, will things to happen, and especially to try to become this idealized or this ideal man that I thought I was supposed to be.

Speaker 1 And in that, I really lost track of the ability to be present to the man that I always was meant to be.

Speaker 1 And so, you know, from any traditional place, it's in the course of this, I've had to look at myself. You know, I had a pretty successful career.
You know, I've took good care of myself.

Speaker 1 I made a good bit of money. I looked good.
I was healthy. I was fit.
You know, I was smart. Like, I thought I'd done all the things necessary to check the boxes to be a great husband.

Speaker 1 But what was missing was some character pieces and some, I think, some real comfort with who I am,

Speaker 1 as opposed to always striving to become somebody that I was supposed to, in my mind, be.

Speaker 1 And so, you know, I love for you that you're at this height of career success that I think anybody in our industry looks at and recognizes is monumental.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't know that there's really anybody that's

Speaker 1 from my perspective in your league in that regard. And yet what you're focused on, and I think this is what, like, pay attention to this before it's too late.

Speaker 1 To those who are listening, if you're ready to hear it,

Speaker 1 you're going to get there where Tommy is, you know, where somebody that you're aspiring to be like is, wherever you're dreaming of, whatever your fucking vision board looks like, like you're going to get there.

Speaker 1 And then you're going to look and you're going to go, now what?

Speaker 1 And all of it, all of the stats and everything that you might have built yourself for, it will be unfulfilled and unfulfilling. And it's that damn character work, man.

Speaker 1 I think, you know, Gino Wickman is a great example of this because he was the ultimate regimen guy and all the success with EOS and traction and everything that he built.

Speaker 1 And now anyone who talks to him or about him, he's on a spiritual journey. Like he's not about that, you know, regimented life anymore in nearly the same way.

Speaker 1 And he's, it's like that was his life's work. And suddenly he's like releasing it, right? Surrender.
There's something to be said for

Speaker 1 my goal right now.

Speaker 1 This is what I work on every day, Tommy, is to be able to just spend a little bit more time alone with myself and okay,

Speaker 1 being

Speaker 1 with myself.

Speaker 1 Because all this work that I've done and all the training and teaching and speaking and coaching that allows me to be surrounded by and with other people, which is great. And I'm glad I've done it.

Speaker 1 I think a lot of people have benefited from it, but it's all a distraction in a lot of ways, or not a distraction. That's not fair.
It all keeps me from just being alone with myself.

Speaker 1 And, you know, that's, I've been the one person that I didn't want to be with.

Speaker 1 So that's, that's my new quest is, you know, if you read Joe Dispenza's book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, he talks about the gap.

Speaker 1 And the gap is the difference between identity, between how you're perceived in the outside world, and how you are when you're sitting alone with yourself and it's all quiet.

Speaker 1 And that gap for me is quite significant.

Speaker 1 And that's the work that I'm doing is just learning to sit and be alone with myself, like an extra minute or two each day, not scrolling social media, which I'm super guilty of, not calling people to immerse in a conversation, not being on coaching calls, just being fucking alone and being okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 We tie ourselves up. We live in this busy world and

Speaker 2 never really thought about that. But, you know, Gino goes, how many days off a month do you take off? How many trips do you go on? And I said, I'm always on trips and I take weekends off usually.

Speaker 2 And he says, I want you to learn to take three out of the seven days off and do no business, read no self-help books.

Speaker 2 Listen to no podcast, none of it.

Speaker 2 And I go, wait a minute, that's almost half the time he goes exactly he goes all you need to do is take off i think he said august every weekend every holiday and every other monday and i'm like only

Speaker 2 okay i'm like i'll start with like a portion of that but he got really spiritual he's he wrote like this new book he came out shine was whether it's an ayahuasca trip or counseling.

Speaker 2 There's something about us that the high achievers, the hunters, we're so afraid of losing this edge. We're like, we don't want to be content.

Speaker 2 And I don't know, I feel the same thing he was talking about. Like,

Speaker 2 what does that mean to lose this drive? And he goes, you don't lose it, but when you start to be content.

Speaker 2 It's the thing you're afraid of the most, but it's when you grow the most and you feel the best, but we're afraid of losing it.

Speaker 2 You don't lose the drive. You just live in the now.

Speaker 2 And he's got like 40 ways of accomplishing it, depending on who you are and where you're at in life.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 2 you know, everybody looks up to these people that have the big houses and the nice cars, but suicides, drugs, just, there's a lot of bad things that happen to billionaires.

Speaker 1 People don't talk.

Speaker 1 I've gone through multiple periods of being suicidal. Last couple of years, you know, when I referenced being sick, that was part of it.

Speaker 1 That was a big part of it it was all it was all i could think about and again by the way oh my god this is when you share this with people people just want to the first thing they want to say is like

Speaker 1 you know just just please if you're ever feeling that way again like you know just just call me like you know please that's not the answer it's like motherfucker i know that's not the answer that's not how this works like it's not the rational mind that's like putting together a plan and deciding it's just it's rumination it's all you can think about it wakes you up in in the middle of the night and it eats you alive, you know.

Speaker 1 And so it's not the type of thing that, that a logical conversation will convince somebody out of, right? Like, that's not how this stuff works.

Speaker 1 And it's not somebody thinking, and it's not me thinking from a place of logic.

Speaker 1 There are a lot of different things that, you know, came together that just get you to that place or got me to that place. I'll just speak for myself where it was just, you know, it was so much.

Speaker 1 And so no doubt that this is,

Speaker 1 and I mean, I'm somebody who's been deeply immersed in a lot of, you know, really healthy mental practices for a long time and, you know, done a lot of work, which frankly, I attribute to probably being part of why I was able to survive this period and still keep some of my shit together.

Speaker 1 You know, as I look at it, the other thing I would tell you is I did go to Costa Rica

Speaker 1 in December and I did. you know, take part in an ayahuasca retreat.
And that was one of the most important things I've ever done for myself.

Speaker 1 And again, it helped me find sort of some semblance of peace and ability to handle what would then come because it would dad would pass after that.

Speaker 1 What was a separation would then become a movement towards divorce. I mean, those things all happened after that retreat.

Speaker 1 But the amount of healing that I was able to do, and to your point, You know, Tommy, you were talking about this idea that you wanted the alcoholism and the divorces to stop with you.

Speaker 1 That's, you know, you're talking about generational healing. I mean, all of these traumas that our families experience, some of them worse than others, of course, but everybody's got them.

Speaker 1 Just because a child of,

Speaker 1 you know, my mom was the daughter of an alcoholic and there was severe abuse in that family. Well, of course, my mother never drank and I never knew alcoholism as part of growing up.

Speaker 1 And I never knew abuse as part of growing up.

Speaker 1 But that doesn't mean that those things don't actually, you know, end up being, I mean, they say that abuse will last seven generations past when it was actually experienced.

Speaker 1 So if people don't take the time to do the actual confrontation of the shadows that we face, the dark sides that we face, that real scary shit that, again, only shows up when, speaking for myself, when I'm alone with my own thoughts and my own fears, without confronting that, Someway, somehow, that stuff manages to live on and get passed down to the next generation.

Speaker 1 So, you you know, I applaud you for having the awareness to be doing that work right now. And I'm very proud of myself for taking it on and,

Speaker 1 you know, having the, I guess what I would say is the courage to confront the stuff about me that scares me.

Speaker 2 It's definitely not an easy journey, and it's not easy to confront these things. I listened to this one

Speaker 2 small clip of Edmund Led on stage, and he goes, I'm the one.

Speaker 2 I'm the one that that took all the late phone calls, that took the cancellations, that changed. Everything changed with me.
My family doesn't think like they used to think. They're optimistic.

Speaker 2 They look forward to tomorrow. They're not sad.
They're not weakened. He just goes on and he says, I took the pain.
I took the strife. And he goes, I'm the one that everything changes with me.

Speaker 2 And I play this clip, but I started tearing up on stage the other day. And I go, I sent that to my mom.
And I go, everything changed. It didn't have to be that way anymore.

Speaker 2 It doesn't need to be this way anymore. It's not like we had this horrible childhood.
It was not trying to disrespect my mother. I think she did a fantastic job.

Speaker 2 She worked three jobs just to keep us in the same school. But I said, everything changes now.
I wanted to be the one that literally stops.

Speaker 2 And it's not the money. It's like,

Speaker 2 truly, we don't think like we used to think.

Speaker 2 And,

Speaker 2 you know, I think, you know, my goal was always, I felt like this emotional burden on my back.

Speaker 1 Like, I got to be the caretaker.

Speaker 2 I mean, I used to stand on the toilet when I was four years old, listening to my mom and dad get a divorce over bills.

Speaker 2 Every day I listen and hear them talking about bills and how they're going to make it. And what if we can't afford this? And

Speaker 2 the reason I'm not married with kids right now is I had to get to this point. where I would never let that happen, never let money.

Speaker 2 And it was probably a mistake to think that I had to carry everybody.

Speaker 2 And I didn't have to, like, it's not like I'm dishing out money to everybody all the time, but I just said, man, it's a lot of burden when you're a kid.

Speaker 2 And then to grow up thinking, you better be able to take care of shit because you don't want that to happen. You don't want to go through this again.

Speaker 1 I love, I love that. I think, you know, so everything changed financially with you.

Speaker 1 Right. For your family, the conversations and you made that decision and everything changed with you.
I think probably

Speaker 1 everything changed when your mother made the decision to do what she had to to keep you in that same school and not, you know, pass burdens down to you to give you.

Speaker 1 So, you know, and I look back and I say, everything changed. My mother made sure that we were the furthest thing from abused.
You know, we were loved, helped.

Speaker 1 I always used to joke, you know, most people go to therapy because they didn't get hugged enough. I went because I got too many hugs, you know?

Speaker 1 But I mean, we were like, you know, she made sure to protect us and now it's my job to heal us, right?

Speaker 1 So I think each generation has its role of how the change is going to be, but we're not going to perfect it either.

Speaker 1 Now, the thing I'm watching out for, to your point, and I heard something in this, and maybe you'll hear it because I kind of heard you make an acknowledgement of it.

Speaker 1 We also have to be careful not to take, like, I don't want to become known as the guy that takes on fucking all the pain and all the weight because then it becomes an identity.

Speaker 1 And then I, it's almost like I'm, you know, ushering that shit in, manifesting it to where I've always got something heavy.

Speaker 1 Tommy, I'm going to tell you right now, like, all right, I'm still going through the divorce. So there's, that's painful.
And there's a lot of, you know, financial loss and emotional loss.

Speaker 1 And I mean, a whole bunch of stuff that goes with that. But for the past four years,

Speaker 1 something

Speaker 1 has actually been very wrong in my life, meaning

Speaker 1 Like, we knew COVID was likely going to kill my mom if she caught it. And so we were constantly having to worry about that.
Dad had Alzheimer's, so we were constantly having to worry about that.

Speaker 1 Her death, liquidating the estate, getting him set up financially, handling all, I mean, like, and then his death, right? So there was something always

Speaker 1 actually

Speaker 1 wrong or threatening, life threatening. Well, now there isn't.

Speaker 1 Like, yes, there's some serious still loss and grieving and everything that I'm working through, but my body still thinks that there's something very wrong.

Speaker 1 So I spend most of my time still in some like heightened, vigilant state of fight-flight because chemically, that's what it's come to know.

Speaker 1 And like, now I have all this deep work to do to unwind that stuff.

Speaker 1 And if we don't pay attention to the fact that, like, what we've come to know ourselves to be, again, this is identity stuff, right? The identity tells me I'm supposed to be handling a crisis.

Speaker 1 My body is telling me I'm supposed to be handling a crisis because now I'm four or five years into handling crisis, but there's no crisis.

Speaker 1 Well, if I'm not careful, I'm going to start manufacturing crisis.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 And so this is now my work to like, which is very painful and very difficult because it's against what is now my natural wiring, is sitting and being quiet and doing things like writing myself acknowledgements and getting back into my ability to even be in gratitude, to allow myself to still love the people around me, even though I might feel like they're hurting me.

Speaker 1 All of those deep pieces of work to actually rewire and reset to say, hey, I'm okay here. We're okay.
Everything's going to be okay.

Speaker 1 But it's a lot of work, man. And it's a lot of, it's maybe more than work.

Speaker 1 And maybe that's my problem because I'm always trying to work on something. It's a lot of not working on stuff and just letting go and surrendering shit.

Speaker 2 I love this word surrender. And this is making me think pretty deep.

Speaker 2 You know, I started working with this guy, Dan Martel. He wrote a book called Buy Back Your Time.

Speaker 2 And he said, Tommy, I want to pretend for a minute you're 75 and I want you to close your eyes and I need you to sit in a dark room for an hour. And I want to visualize you at 41.

Speaker 2 And I want you to really think, what did you do? Who did you go with? If you bought a boat, what color was the boat?

Speaker 2 If you went on a trip, who were with, did you go to an Italian restaurant when you visited Italy? And he's like, I want you to write down these things.

Speaker 2 And I really want to think about what attributes did you bring out in yourself? Who were you when you were in front of people? And then not pretend, but who really are you?

Speaker 2 And it was like this really big challenge for me to just sit and be quiet and try to figure this stuff out. I got a pretty long list going, and I'm shifting identities right now.

Speaker 2 And it's a weird feeling, but I'm okay sharing it because I think a lot of people, they look up to success, but we don't really define what success is before we, if it's money, and happiness is a mood.

Speaker 2 Happiness isn't a way of life. Everybody gets upset at times, but I just content.
And I like your word, surrender. But I'll let you close this out.
This is only part one of two.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So since you like the word surrender, first of all, again, dude, I I can see the transformation occurring into you. You show up differently now than you used to.

Speaker 1 And there's, there's a little bit more peace to you, I think, at least that's my observation than used to be. And so the work that you're doing, at least from my perspective, is having an effect.

Speaker 1 And that's a good thing because you got a big audience, man. So, you know.

Speaker 1 I think the more people that watch this transition early in youth, I'm so happy to see that guys like you and so many others, you know, just all of it, like I could never get the hustle and grind culture, man.

Speaker 1 I thought there was a lot of danger in it.

Speaker 1 And I'm so happy to see that somebody who did, admittedly, hustle and grind your way to your financial and business success, which are extraordinary, is now in the business of talking about taking time and being present and all the beautiful things that you're actually up to as you upgrade your own identity.

Speaker 1 and redefine success as far as the human elements of it. When I was going down to Costa Rica, I had this unbelievable experience of on my way to that retreat.
I got pinballed into that retreat.

Speaker 1 I didn't go down there for it.

Speaker 1 I ended up going down there because I was trying to just escape to some place that I could be healthy and in the sun and in nature and that I didn't have memories and stuff like that attached to.

Speaker 1 So I booked a flight, just went down there with like no plans, and I ended up getting aligned with this place to do this retreat, this ayahuasca retreat.

Speaker 1 And on my way down, seven different times that week, somehow, some way, the word surrender made itself available to me in the course of a conversation, somebody telling me, Man, you just need to surrender.

Speaker 1 There was a Tony Robbins clip about surrender. There were all these different ways that it was showing up.

Speaker 1 So I check into my room down there, and I'm already like well aware that this word surrender is seemingly the word of the week or whatever.

Speaker 1 And I check into my room, and written over my bed in the room, it says surrender is freedom. And I'm like, okay, God, I get like

Speaker 1 loud and clear hearing you. Okay, well, I go to my first night, and of course, I'm down there.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I got to get this right, I got to do it right, you know, I got to make sure that I'm, I nail this retreat and everything else.

Speaker 1 And so, the first night, you know, and we'll get into the whole ayahuasca thing, but I'm drinking the cup, drinking a cup, drinking a cup, drinking a cup. Nothing's happening.

Speaker 1 And the shaman comes over and she sits with me, and she goes, Brother,

Speaker 1 you just need to surrender.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, son of a bitch. I go, listen, this is the wisdom of the shaman.
What do you think I'm doing over here right now? Like, nobody is surrendering harder than me.

Speaker 1 Look at how hard I'm relaxing. Like, I'm relaxing better than everybody else.
Right.

Speaker 1 And that was the moment at which it all hit me: wow, I know nothing.

Speaker 1 I know nothing. You can't work harder at relaxing.

Speaker 1 You cannot work harder at surrendering.

Speaker 2 What the fuck do I know, dude oh man this is a great great opportunity I want to pick back up when we get the next part in this Iowa

Speaker 2 and this will be a two-hour podcast but um make it three I feel for you brother I don't have any words of wisdom but except for surrender and serenity yes so Thanks for doing this, my man.

Speaker 1 I will pick it back up, Tommy. And that's all I ask for right now.

Speaker 2 I do.

Speaker 2 I love you brother i do you know i don't want to ever tell you you know pick up the phone but uh i enjoy these conversations and uh just understand that it it does as much healing for me as it does for you thank you i'm honored thank you for uh giving me a space to be heard i appreciate you i will pick this back up and uh we'll talk to you soon my man all right my friend see you thank you I'll be in touch

Speaker 2 Head over to elevateandwin.com forward slash podcast and grab a copy of the book. Thanks again for listening, and we'll catch up with you next time on the podcast.