“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”

Speaker 1 These two words will change your life.

Speaker 3 Let them. You are not going to want to miss this brand new episode of the Jamie Kern-Lima Show with Mel Robbins.

Speaker 6 Already, this is like new, cutting edge, and already, Mel Robbins, the millions of people freaking out over this, spreading it everywhere.

Speaker 9 So

Speaker 5 let them.

Speaker 5 If your friends want to judge what you post on social media, let them.

Speaker 5 If your parents don't want to come visit for Thanksgiving, let them.

Speaker 5 If your neighbors get together and they don't include your family, let them.

Speaker 5 If the city that you live in decides to do a big construction project and it creates a tremendous amount of traffic for you at the dumbest month of the year, let them. You have no clue.

Speaker 5 how much time and energy you are wasting trying to control other people or things that you have no control over. You will gain more control in your life

Speaker 5 the less you try to control other people.

Speaker 5 I started to develop this theory. Wow.

Speaker 5 The more that I just let them, I let adults be adults, I let other people live their lives, the more control I feel.

Speaker 5 Because when you're so busy controlling other people, you actually don't see who they are.

Speaker 10 Mel Robbins Robbins is the host of one of the top-ranked podcasts in the world. Her books on finding motivation and success have sold millions of copies.

Speaker 5 One of the most trusted experts in the world on confidence, and she's written three best-selling books.

Speaker 10 New York Times best-selling author and host of the Mel Robbins podcast. Life coach and motivational speaker.
And dear friend who we are so proud of all you have built and done, Mel.

Speaker 5 Welcome to the Jamie Cole.

Speaker 5 Bye.

Speaker 5 Are you crying? Yeah, crying already. Yes.
Are you crying

Speaker 5 because

Speaker 11 before we jump into this episode, I'd love to invite you to join this community to hear more interviews and one-on-one conversations with me and you to help you truly believe in yourself, trust yourself, and know you are enough so that you can become unstoppable in living your best life.

Speaker 1 I love your support.

Speaker 11 It's incredible to see your comments and how many of you are, you know, sharing these episodes with everyone else.

Speaker 11 And I'm just so grateful to be here for you and I'm so excited to go on this journey with you.

Speaker 15 It means so much to me.

Speaker 19 Who you spend time around is so important as energy is contagious and so is self-belief.

Speaker 24 And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of inspiration, which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's also a love letter to you delivered straight to your inbox each and every Tuesday morning from me.

Speaker 28 If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiekernlima.com to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your one-on-one with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you.

Speaker 28 If you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy, joy, and love hitting your inbox.

Speaker 35 I'm your girl.

Speaker 30 Subscribe at jamiekernlima.com or in the link in the show notes.

Speaker 18 In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams, you stay stuck at the level of your self-worth.

Speaker 1 When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life.

Speaker 35 And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy, How to Believe You Are Enough and Transform Your Life for You.

Speaker 46 If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you.

Speaker 22 In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love.

Speaker 16 Unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness.

Speaker 35 Overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome.

Speaker 50 Achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them and so much more.

Speaker 43 Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be?

Speaker 21 Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth.

Speaker 23 Get your copy of Worthy, plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below.

Speaker 32 Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you.

Speaker 34 It's time to find out with worthy.

Speaker 5 Jamie Kern Lima is her name. Everybody needs Jamie Kern Lima in their life.
Jamie Kern Lima.

Speaker 10 Jamie, you're so inspiring.

Speaker 5 Jamie Kern Lima.

Speaker 27 Mel Robbins says you can change your life and she will show you how.

Speaker 54 Mel has one of the most popular podcasts in the world called the Mel Robbins Podcast.

Speaker 14 She's a New York Times best-selling author.

Speaker 55 She has seven number one audiobooks on Audible, billions of views of her videos online, and is one of the most respected experts in the world of mindset, motivation, and behavior change thanks to her science-backed tools and relatable advice that has impacted the lives of millions of people who follow her across 194 countries.

Speaker 14 She lives in Vermont with her husband of 26 years, Chris, and their three kids.

Speaker 54 She's also my dear friend, a really great roommate on trips, one of my favorite people to have at slumber parties, and the best wedding singer I've ever had the privilege of hearing in person.

Speaker 27 Mel Robbins, welcome to the Jamie Kern Lima Show.

Speaker 6 This is like new cutting edge and already Mel Robbins, the millions of people freaking out over this, spreading it everywhere.

Speaker 14 So,

Speaker 16 and I want to talk about, you know, anxiety and

Speaker 55 tips to heal it for everyone listening and watching who maybe deals with anxiety or fear or control issues.

Speaker 14 Two words. Two words and a theory

Speaker 2 behind them

Speaker 7 is

Speaker 2 been life-changing for a lot of people. Will you share about the let them theory?

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 5 So

Speaker 5 the let them theory is something that I

Speaker 5 just came up with in the last couple months. And

Speaker 5 it is, I think, the most powerful thing I've ever stumbled upon.

Speaker 5 And I've learned some pretty incredible things in my lifetime from other people,

Speaker 5 from the power of something like the five-second rule and prioritizing action, but the let them theory is at an entirely different level.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 5 the let them theory on the surface is extremely simple.

Speaker 5 And here's how it works. Let them.

Speaker 5 If your friends want to judge what you post on social media, let them.

Speaker 5 If your parents don't want to come visit for Thanksgiving, let them.

Speaker 5 If your

Speaker 5 neighbors get together and they don't include your family, let them.

Speaker 5 If the

Speaker 5 city that you live in decides to do a big construction project and it creates a tremendous amount of traffic for you at the dumbest month of the year, let them.

Speaker 5 You have no clue how much time and energy you are wasting

Speaker 5 trying to control other people or things that you have no control over.

Speaker 5 And I was so guilty of this.

Speaker 5 And it is so easy to read something on Instagram, I don't care what other people think, and then regurgitate it like it's some sort of philosophy that you have when really you actually do care a lot.

Speaker 5 Let them is a tool

Speaker 5 that encapsulates the truth

Speaker 5 about

Speaker 5 relationships and the truth about control.

Speaker 5 You will gain more control in your life

Speaker 5 the less you try to control other people.

Speaker 5 And this is a learned behavior.

Speaker 5 This is something you learned because your parents, like parents, your job is to keep your kids safe. Your job is to,

Speaker 5 you know, teach your kids how to make decisions. Your job is to set boundaries for your children so that they can grow up and become independent human beings.

Speaker 5 But your frame of reference when you are a kid is all about the adults around you.

Speaker 5 And because as a kid, you don't know why mommy's mad. So you think you're the reason why mommy's mad.
So you then make it your job to make sure mommy's not mad.

Speaker 5 Or you sit there and say something must be wrong with me when mommy's mad.

Speaker 5 And so that's why you get so obsessed with trying to control the states of emotion and what other people are doing or not doing, because you think what everybody else is doing has something to do with you or means something about you, and it means nothing about you.

Speaker 5 And the reason why,

Speaker 5 and the story for how I discovered it, I would love to tell it because I think it'll kind of put you at the scene at just how dumb we are

Speaker 5 and how prevalent this is in your life. And so it is,

Speaker 5 I'm setting the steam for where I discovered this. So it was our son's junior prom in high school.

Speaker 5 And having already gone through four high school proms with our two daughters, I thought, this is gonna be cakewalk, man. There are no spray tans, there's no blowouts, there's no like 55 dresses.

Speaker 5 Oh my God, this is gonna be amazing. It was the worst.
He was way worse because he didn't communicate anything, Jamie. First of all, he's not going.
Then he's going with a group of guys.

Speaker 5 Then we live in the middle of Vermont. Where the hell are we gonna buy a tux? Then Then all of a sudden he decides he wants Stan Smith Adidas Edition sneakers.
I got to track him down.

Speaker 5 We got to have them overnighted. Now he's asking a date, some chick he doesn't even know.
So then there's that whole thing. This all happens, by the way, in the five days before the prom.

Speaker 5 So we are leaving to go to that pre-prom party that people tend to have where you show up at somebody's house and everybody's taking photos. And

Speaker 5 we arrive and we walk in and I'm already on edge because our son has been like,

Speaker 5 imagine trying to wrestle a grizzly bear to the ground and get him into a tuxedo and then get him into the car.

Speaker 5 When I realize in hindsight, he's just nervous, but now I'm annoyed and I'm stressed out. And so we get to this thing.
He makes a beeline for all of his friends, does not introduce us to his date.

Speaker 5 Everybody's really awkward in terms of the kids, but they all look fantastic. About 20 minutes in, we're settling down.
I'm starting to feel a little less on edge.

Speaker 5 And out of nowhere, I'm talking nowhere. This is like a freak mountain storm.
It starts to rain sideways. There's not a single person that has an umbrella or raincoat.
Now is there Sahale?

Speaker 5 The umbrella on the deck goes tumbling off to the right.

Speaker 5 All the parents are now circling, right, and murmuring and what's going to happen. And I walk over to Oakley and I tap him on the shoulder, and I'm like, Oak, what are you guys doing for dinner?

Speaker 5 Because it's 4:30 in the afternoon. The problem starts at seven.
Clearly, they have a dinner plan, right?

Speaker 5 He kind of shrugs his shoulder and is like, I don't know. I'm like, what?

Speaker 5 You don't have a reservation for dinner? It's the problem, dude. I don't know what we're doing.

Speaker 5 Do you want me to call the inn? Do you want to do this?

Speaker 5 He's like, Mom, it's, and I start ramping up

Speaker 5 in my mind, you know, like, I'm going to fix a situation for him.

Speaker 5 So he's talking to his friends. I'm on my phone trying to find a reservation.
There isn't a reservation anywhere in our small town because obviously other people had thought about this.

Speaker 5 Doesn't seem like any of the other kids in this group have a reservation either. And all of a sudden they start walking toward the door.
No coats, no raincoats. Like it is

Speaker 5 raining sideways, Jamie.

Speaker 5 She is going to ruin her dress, her hair, her makeup, his sneakers destroyed, the rented talks out. Like, I'm just like, bah! All the other parents, where are you guys going?

Speaker 5 I think we're going to go to the cilantro bowl.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 5 that's when all the parents are now like, roll it in a repeat.

Speaker 5 Everyone's controlling the situation. It's complete chaos.
We've all been in this kind of moment. Our daughter, Kendall, who we've just been talking about, was home for the weekend.

Speaker 5 She gently reaches over and she grabs my arm and she shakes it and she says, Mom,

Speaker 5 let them.

Speaker 41 I'm like, what?

Speaker 5 What do you mean, let them? I'm like on the phone, on hold, trying to get, let them what?

Speaker 5 Let them go to the saunter ball. But, but it's raining, but it's small, but it's like a small thing.
They're not even going to,

Speaker 5 let them go to a small place they can't fit in. But, but he's going to ruin his shoes.
Let him ruin his shoes. But her dress, let her ruin her dress.
Mom, it's their prom,

Speaker 5 not yours. Let them.

Speaker 5 And it was something about that moment and her repeating those words and repeating those words and repeating those two words, let them, let them, let them, let them, and her hand on my bicep that made me

Speaker 5 just de-escalate internally.

Speaker 5 And as I started to de-escalate internally and kind of just let them and let them do and not need to control it,

Speaker 5 my

Speaker 5 thinking came back online. And I thought, why do I care?

Speaker 5 Why am I not making a reservation for myself for dinner?

Speaker 5 Who cares?

Speaker 5 Why am I doing this to myself?

Speaker 5 And so I walk up to Oak and I tap him on the shoulder and he turns around. He's like, what?

Speaker 5 Like,

Speaker 5 here's 20 bucks. Go have fun.

Speaker 5 And this huge smile. Like, lit up his face and right out the door into the sideways rain they went, trashing his shoes and her dress.
It was adorable.

Speaker 5 And over the course of the next couple weeks, I couldn't believe

Speaker 5 how often

Speaker 5 I had the experience for myself

Speaker 5 where I was

Speaker 5 getting

Speaker 5 hooked

Speaker 5 by what other people are doing.

Speaker 5 Why is a celebrity promoting this thing? Why is this happening? Why can't we do it this way? Why is the government doing this? Why is the traffic doing this?

Speaker 5 Why are my friends having lunch and they didn't invite me? Why this? Why that? Like all of this time and energy getting cooked up

Speaker 5 about my opinions about what other people are doing or not doing

Speaker 5 or my expectations about how things should be done. Oh, the school should be.
You got a lot of let thems that you need to bring into the school. The teacher should be doing.

Speaker 5 And so what happened is is I started to develop this theory. Wow.

Speaker 5 The more that I just let them, I let adults be adults,

Speaker 5 I let other people live their lives, the more that I let them and I just drop this obsession with controlling things around me or having an opinion about it, which is a way of controlling.

Speaker 5 the more control I feel.

Speaker 5 And so I put out a reel

Speaker 5 and just, it was like 60 seconds. It was like, if your friends are going out to lunch without you, let them.

Speaker 5 If you're

Speaker 5 throwing a birthday party and a bunch of people come and all the popular people leave early to go do their own thing, let them.

Speaker 5 Why?

Speaker 5 Because

Speaker 5 when you let them,

Speaker 5 you are allowing adults to be adults and you are allowing people to reveal who they are. are.

Speaker 5 And that's really important because when you're so busy controlling other people, you actually don't see who they are.

Speaker 5 And when you can give up control and you can let adults be adults, Jamie, and there's a bunch of rules that I can now teach you about what we get wrong about relationships.

Speaker 5 But when you let adults be adults,

Speaker 5 Because number one,

Speaker 5 you cannot make another adult do anything they don't want to do, period.

Speaker 5 And you think you can, and it's not true.

Speaker 5 Adults only do what they feel like doing.

Speaker 5 The second thing, there is nothing you can do to make another adult change. Why? Rule number one, adults only do what adults feel like doing.

Speaker 5 This is why you cannot make somebody get sober. This is why you cannot want somebody's dreams for them more than they want it for themselves.

Speaker 5 This is why you can't get somebody to be nicer or get somebody to work harder. Why? Because adults only do what adults feel like doing.
And you can't do anything to change someone.

Speaker 5 Here's another thing you can't make adults do. You cannot make another adult like you.

Speaker 5 You cannot make another adult love you.

Speaker 5 And you are wasting too much time and energy presuming that people are going to love you the same way that you love them.

Speaker 5 Or presuming that there is some different way that you can show up or do or text in a certain cadence

Speaker 5 and twist yourself in knots so that somebody else likes you.

Speaker 5 Think about the time and energy that you're wasting there.

Speaker 5 Especially when you really grasp the truth

Speaker 5 that

Speaker 5 adults only do what adults feel like doing.

Speaker 5 And this is the real power of the let them theory.

Speaker 5 When you let somebody else live their life,

Speaker 5 you have to look in the the mirror and you have to confront where you are in your life. And if your friends are not inviting you to lunch, it is not their responsibility to include you.

Speaker 5 Your life, your friendships, your happiness, your responsibility.

Speaker 5 And if it bothers you that much, instead of sending that passive-aggressive text, I saw you guys having lunch, would have been nice to have been included, or bitching about them to other people,

Speaker 5 how about you look in the mirror and you say to yourself, well, if I actually want friendships like that, maybe I should plan the lunch.

Speaker 5 Maybe these people aren't my friends after all. And if I want friendships that feel good, it's my job to create it.

Speaker 5 And what part of myself do I have to confront in order to take responsibility for creating what I want? See, nobody else is responsible for the life that you want.

Speaker 5 You have to create it. And the more time you waste going, oh, but my friends, oh, but my boss, oh, but my this,

Speaker 5 the less likely you're going to do it.

Speaker 5 That's a lethal theory.

Speaker 55 Two big things.

Speaker 37 The less you try to control other people, the more control you have in your own life.

Speaker 5 Yes. Huge.
Yes. Huge.

Speaker 27 And you can't change.

Speaker 55 Another person. If you want them to change more than they want to change, it never works.

Speaker 5 I mean, everybody listening knows somebody

Speaker 5 that has been in that category of struggling and struggling and struggling and struggling and you try everything you possibly can

Speaker 5 and your life then becomes about rescuing that person

Speaker 4 there's so much more coming up in this episode you are not gonna want to miss it but first I wanted to share this with you In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams.

Speaker 18 You stay stuck at the level of your self-worth.

Speaker 1 When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life.

Speaker 35 And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy, How to Believe You Are Enough and Transform Your Life for You.

Speaker 20 If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you.

Speaker 12 In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love.

Speaker 49 Unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness.

Speaker 35 Overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome.

Speaker 50 Achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them and so much more.

Speaker 43 Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be?

Speaker 21 Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth.

Speaker 23 Get your copy of Worthy, plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below.

Speaker 32 Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you.

Speaker 34 It's time to find out with worthy.

Speaker 19 Who you spend time around is so important as energy is contagious and so is self-belief.

Speaker 24 And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of inspiration, which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's also a love letter to you delivered straight to your inbox each and every Tuesday morning from me.

Speaker 28 If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiekernlima.com to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your one-on-one with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you.

Speaker 28 If you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy, and love hitting your inbox, I'm your girl.

Speaker 30 Subscribe at jamiekernlima.com or in the link in the show notes.

Speaker 3 And now more of this incredible conversation together.

Speaker 5 And I'm not here to say

Speaker 5 that you just throw your hands in the air. I'm here to say there's a huge difference between offering support

Speaker 5 and taking responsibility for somebody else's healing.

Speaker 5 And at some point,

Speaker 5 the person who needs the healing or the person who needs to stop feeling sorry for themselves or the person who needs to confront their addiction and their patterns, they have to take responsibility for wanting to change.

Speaker 5 And you wanting it more for them won't make it happen.

Speaker 44 It's true,

Speaker 5 but I'm just here to tell you the reality.

Speaker 5 The reality is adults only do what adults feel like doing. Yeah.
And you can't make somebody else change. You can help somebody by letting them know how you feel and how their behavior hurts you.

Speaker 5 You can let somebody know the support that you're going to give.

Speaker 5 You can let people know your boundaries. I'm not saying it's easy.

Speaker 55 I think when it comes to these just

Speaker 55 difficult situations, right? So many of us have friends we know that are in unhealthy relationships.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 55 even in my families,

Speaker 55 there are people that blame themselves and they're adults blaming themselves, thinking it's my fault that she's in this relationship and won't leave it, or things like that.

Speaker 9 And so I just want to go back to this because a lot of people, this might be really freeing for them right now.

Speaker 5 Or confronting, more likely.

Speaker 5 Because we'd rather make Mel Robbins a bitch than actually look in the mirror and say, where can I own my own role in this?

Speaker 5 And where can I find my power?

Speaker 5 It's easier to blame the messenger than to look in the mirror and say, what can I take responsibility for? Nowhere did I say you're at fault.

Speaker 5 Fault is a very different word than responsibility. Because when you get into the lane of, I'm at fault and this,

Speaker 5 now you're beating yourself up.

Speaker 5 Now you're insecure. Now you're feeling sorry for yourself.

Speaker 5 I want you to do something different.

Speaker 5 I want you to get very clear about what you're sick and tired of and what you can take responsibility for.

Speaker 9 For the person who says, Mel,

Speaker 9 no matter what I do, my friend just stays in this unhealthy marriage or this unhealthy marriage.

Speaker 55 And she says she wants out or she's, you know, saying, my friends keep mistreating me, whatever it might be.

Speaker 8 And she says she wants out.

Speaker 53 How do you,

Speaker 2 how do they let them without feeling like, oh, I'm, I'm not doing enough or I'm looking the other way or I'm turning a blind eye on abuse or something like that.

Speaker 5 Excellent question. So if somebody's in a terrible relationship, what do we know?

Speaker 5 There's nothing you can say that will make them leave that person

Speaker 5 if you confront it directly. And the more that you attack the relationship that they're in, the more defensive they're going to be in it.

Speaker 5 And the more they're going to stay in it because they're going to feel like you're attacking them.

Speaker 5 And so

Speaker 5 when it comes to people in your life, and let's just talk about varying degrees, right?

Speaker 5 When there is somebody in your life that's dating somebody, that's just not good for them. You're going to have to let them.

Speaker 5 You just have to.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 5 the only thing that I have ever found that works in my life when I have had someone that I deeply care about in clearly the wrong relationship, and I'm talking someone who did this for years,

Speaker 5 is

Speaker 5 the more that they feel judged,

Speaker 5 the more distance it creates between the two of you, the more they hide the reality of what's going on and how they really feel.

Speaker 5 And so you need to let an adult be an adult.

Speaker 5 You need to let them know the truth of how you feel, and there's a particular way to do it, which is not, I think your partner sucks, and he's abusing you, and which is going to be very confronting.

Speaker 5 It's let them know the truth, which is, I'm worried about you, because you don't seem like yourself.

Speaker 5 How can I support you?

Speaker 5 That's what you say. And then what do you need to do? And this is the hardest part.
You need to let them.

Speaker 5 I'm worried about you.

Speaker 5 You don't seem like yourself.

Speaker 5 How can I support you? And what ends up happening is that over time,

Speaker 5 since you're holding out the truth, that stays with somebody.

Speaker 5 And when you get into the very scary situations, I was a trained crisis intervention counselor working a domestic hotline for four years.

Speaker 5 I am not immune to the realities of the psychological stranglehold that happens inside of an abuse cycle and the very well-documented neurological programming that happens due to the honeymoon abuse cycle of horrible abuse, then tremendous apology, then quiet.

Speaker 5 The intermittent nature of that actually creates more of a trap inside somebody's brain. I get that.

Speaker 5 And there is is nothing

Speaker 5 that another human being can do when you literally confront it directly to change that fact.

Speaker 5 What you can do

Speaker 5 is you can let them know, this is where I'm responsible. I'm not responsible for the relationships you're in.

Speaker 5 I am responsible for telling you the truth, and I am responsible for offering support to the extent I want to.

Speaker 5 And that is the truth.

Speaker 5 And we also know based on research, it's a minimum of seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship for somebody. That's why telling the truth, I'm worried about you.
I am here for you.

Speaker 5 I am here to support you. The second that you are ready to leave, I am here.

Speaker 5 And I know there's nothing I can do to make you do it. But I want you to know I love you.

Speaker 5 You are so strong. And I'm here.

Speaker 5 That is how you handle that. And then you have to let them.

Speaker 5 Because the more you judge that person as weak, the more you have an opinion about it, the more that you get all wrapped up around it, they can pick up on your energy.

Speaker 5 They know that you're judging them and that you think that they're weak and you're pathetic and you're all this stuff because that's what your energy is portraying.

Speaker 5 That's why this matters.

Speaker 5 Do you intervene if somebody is spiraling in a man? Of course you do. You offer the support.
That might mean taking away the pills. That might mean driving somebody to rehab.

Speaker 5 That's the level of support, but that's based on your boundaries and your truth.

Speaker 55 The let them theory,

Speaker 55 especially when it comes to a lot of the examples you gave that we consume our days with, you know, why didn't he fold the laundry this way?

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Why didn't, you know, excellent?

Speaker 5 Can we start that one?

Speaker 55 Yeah, yeah, let's do it.

Speaker 5 Why didn't he fold the laundry? Why didn't they load the dishwasher?

Speaker 5 Why didn't they, or in my husband's case, why did Mel, why does Mel always stack the cardboard boxes up like a Tetris sculpture instead of breaking them down?

Speaker 5 Like this drove him crazy because, you know, everybody gets boxes to their house from Amazon.

Speaker 5 And I.

Speaker 5 hate

Speaker 5 having to do that thing where you, you know, you flatten them, you know, know, for recycling, okay? At least we have to in Vermont.

Speaker 5 And I always have this thing where I would like slight, I would like the boxes would come, I'd carry them to the garage, and then I'd stack them up.

Speaker 5 And I have these big plans that I'm going to come back later, and I will do it when I feel like it, right? Because why? Adults only do what they feel like doing.

Speaker 5 So can Chris change my behavior?

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 5 I will change my behavior when I want to change my behavior.

Speaker 5 But here's what Chris can do. Using the let them theory, Chris understands he's got to let me be me.

Speaker 5 He can't make me change.

Speaker 5 What is Chris responsible for? His truth and his boundaries.

Speaker 5 So Chris comes to me and he says,

Speaker 5 can I share something with you? And I'm like, sure.

Speaker 5 He said, you know, every time I walk into the garage, And I see the tower of cardboard boxes waiting for some recycling fairy to come flying in here and flatten them all out.

Speaker 5 I

Speaker 5 feel

Speaker 5 like you think

Speaker 5 I am

Speaker 5 your servant.

Speaker 5 And it makes me feel

Speaker 5 really kind of hurt

Speaker 5 that you think that that's all that I'm here for.

Speaker 5 Now, when Chris shares that,

Speaker 5 I immediately feel terrible.

Speaker 5 He's not shaming me. He's telling me the truth about how he feels.

Speaker 5 I don't want him to feel this way.

Speaker 5 So now, what happens?

Speaker 5 Because I don't want him to feel this way, I now

Speaker 5 will flatten the cardboard boxes. Why?

Speaker 5 Because I want to.

Speaker 5 Does that make sense?

Speaker 5 And because we don't take the time to recognize that I am not responsible for somebody else's change in behavior, I am responsible for communicating what I feel, what I value, how something impacts me, what I need, what my boundaries are.

Speaker 5 And then the hardest part is what happens next.

Speaker 5 Because once you have that communication, that really hurt me, it would make me feel great if you were to do X. The next time this happens, could you do Y?

Speaker 5 The hardest part of a relationship is what happens next.

Speaker 5 Because now it's back to the other person, and you're going to let them. And here's what's going to happen: they are revealing to you who they are.

Speaker 5 If I don't flatten those boxes, it reveals to Chris

Speaker 5 that I really don't care that he feels that way. And this brings me to another law about human behavior.

Speaker 5 People's behavior

Speaker 5 is the truest form of communication.

Speaker 5 I can come up with a million excuses, Jamie. Oh, I'm so busy I have ADHD, I'll get to it later.
I didn't mean to.

Speaker 5 That's just noise.

Speaker 5 If you actually

Speaker 5 want to change or you actually care about what the other person just told you, prove it.

Speaker 5 And by not doing it, I am communicating loud and clear to Chris. I don't care.

Speaker 5 And the hardest thing for us, and this is where the let them theory starts to get really deep, is when you really unhook your emotions, Jamie, and you let adults be adults, and you take responsibility for your side of the relationship, which is your truth, your needs, your boundaries, your wants, your all that kind of stuff.

Speaker 5 And then somebody reveals their true nature.

Speaker 5 Most of us don't want to face it.

Speaker 5 And so, if we go back to

Speaker 5 somebody who is in a relationship that is very unhealthy, they're with somebody who has a narcissistic personality style, they're with somebody who's abusive,

Speaker 5 if you embrace the let them theory and you embrace this rule that you can't change this person and that their behavior

Speaker 5 is the truth about who they are.

Speaker 5 Now it's on you

Speaker 5 to really try to separate how you feel and what the other person is saying from the reality

Speaker 5 of what this other human being

Speaker 5 is showing you through their communication, through their behavior.

Speaker 5 And again, we don't want to look at that.

Speaker 5 Because then we have to look in the mirror and go,

Speaker 5 what do I need to take responsibility for? If I take what Mel Robbins is saying and the let them theory as truth, and if I take as truth that

Speaker 5 adults only do what adults feel like doing,

Speaker 5 and if I take as truth, I can't make anybody change, I can't make anybody like me, I can't make anybody love me, because adults only do what they feel like doing.

Speaker 5 And if this person's behavior is the truest communication of who they are and what they care about,

Speaker 5 now it's on me.

Speaker 5 And I have to make a decision-an incredibly hard decision, a decision that goes against all of the neurological programming that has happened in this relationship.

Speaker 5 A decision that will have to make me confront the things about myself that I don't want to confront because I'm responsible for what happens next,

Speaker 5 regardless of all the stuff that went down.

Speaker 5 And that's why I say you are always capable of changing for the better.

Speaker 54 Mo Robbins, I

Speaker 7 love you.

Speaker 2 I am grateful for our friendship.

Speaker 5 I am so proud to call you my friend. I love you.
I love you. Thank you.

Speaker 8 I have one more thing to share with you, but before I do, if you got value out of this episode, my only ask is that you please share it.

Speaker 11 Share it with another person in your life who could benefit from it.

Speaker 4 Post it and share it with others online or in your community who just might need the words and tools and lessons in this episode today.

Speaker 8 You never know whose life you're meant to change today by sharing this episode.

Speaker 55 And thank you so much for joining me today.

Speaker 11 And before you go, I want to share some words with you that couldn't be more true.

Speaker 53 You,

Speaker 2 right now, exactly as you are, are enough and fully worthy.

Speaker 11 You're worthy of your greatest hopes, your wildest dreams, and all the unconditional love in the world. And it is an honor to welcome you to each episode of the Jamie Kern Lima Show.

Speaker 5 Here, I hope you'll come as you are, heal where you need, blossom what you choose.

Speaker 11 journey toward your calling and stay as long as you'd like because you belong here.

Speaker 8 You are worthy, you are loved, You are love.

Speaker 2 And I love you.

Speaker 4 And I cannot wait to join you on the next episode.

Speaker 28 This is the Jamie Kern Lima Show.

Speaker 39 In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams.

Speaker 41 You stay stuck at the level of your self-worth.

Speaker 1 When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life.

Speaker 35 And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy, How to Believe You Are Enough and Transform Your Life for You.

Speaker 20 If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, worthy is for you.

Speaker 8 In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love, unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness.

Speaker 35 Overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome.

Speaker 50 Achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them and so much more.

Speaker 20 Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be?

Speaker 21 Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth.

Speaker 23 Get your copy of worthy, plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below.

Speaker 32 Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you.

Speaker 34 It's time to find out with worthy.

Speaker 8 Do you struggle with negative self-talk?

Speaker 8 Living with a constant mental narrative that you're not good enough is exhausting.

Speaker 11 I know because I spent most of my life in that habit.

Speaker 48 The words you say to yourself about yourself are so powerful.

Speaker 1 And when you learn to take control over your self-talk, it's life-changing.

Speaker 8 And I wanted to give you a free resource that I created for you if this is something that could benefit your life.

Speaker 13 It's called five ways to overcome negative self-talk and build self-love.

Speaker 19 And it's a free how-to guide to overcome that negative self-talk to build confidence and develop unshakable self-love so that you can dream big and keep going in the pursuit of your goals.

Speaker 13 Don't let self-sabotaging thoughts hinder your progress any longer.

Speaker 21 It's time to rewrite the script of your life, one filled with self-love, resilience, and unwavering belief.

Speaker 13 If you're ready to take charge of your narrative, build unwavering confidence, and empower yourself to persevere on the path to your dreams, you can grab your free guide to stop overthinking and learn to trust yourself at jamiekernlima.com slash resources or click the link in the show notes below.

Speaker 4 This show is presented solely for entertainment purposes only. It's not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, psychotherapist, professional coach, or other qualified professional.

Speaker 4 I hope you enjoyed this episode and conversation together and I am so grateful to be on this journey with you.

Speaker 4 And did you know for every episode of the Jamie Kern Lima show, there are a set of special prompt questions just for you to help you on your journey of aha moments and revelations in your own life from each episode.

Speaker 4 Make sure you join my free email newsletter at jamiekernlema.com to get them sent to you each week. And each episode is meant to be evergreen and packed with timeless life lessons.

Speaker 4 So you can go back and listen to past episodes you perhaps haven't heard yet as we are going on this incredible journey of building self-worth and living our best lives together.