How to Stay in Control When Arguing

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Being emotional makes you predictable.

When you have these big overreactions in conversation, you are showing the other person where the buttons to your remote control are.

Today, we're going to be talking about the top three communication mistakes that are causing you to lose control.

Ready?

Let's go.

Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything.

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And now back to the episode.

Losing control is not a them

problem.

By that, I mean we are also very capable of losing control.

And if you're one of those people, just nod to yourself.

Yep,

I can lose control.

I've known for my temper to be off the handle.

Maybe you're saying that to yourself right now.

You're thinking of an argument where you've lost your cool.

And it happens.

All right.

You can be the best spouse in the world.

You can be the best friend in the world.

You can be the best parent in the world.

And we all have times where we lose control.

Today, specifically, I'm going to talk about these times in conversation and arguments where you feel like you're starting to lose grip on control.

Again, we all do it.

It can depend on the context, the environment, the people, what triggers you, what topic it is.

We're going to dive deep real quick on conversations themselves.

So, number one, what I want you to focus on that's causing you to lose control is overexplaining.

Ever heard of that?

I bet so.

Overexplaining, over-justifying, when you feel like you are having to say too much in the conversation.

I'm going to leave with that point because often our gut is to say more.

We want to say everything.

We want to overexplain.

We want to,

it's like hammering in a nail to where it's flat against the wood, and then you just keep beating it for no reason.

You've made the point, but yet

you're not regulated enough to stop and realize you've made your point.

Now you're just losing control.

You're having this big emotional reaction that's getting the best of you that's causing you to be dysregulated.

And then everything is going to fall apart.

from there.

So one of the biggest parts of stopping yourself from over-explaining or feeling the need to over-justify everything is that it typically comes from this inner belief that they're not going to believe you.

This inner belief that you can't trust yourself to be understood.

And I'm wanting to go there for a minute because that's an inner belief.

That's an inner belief that you feel like maybe

I don't trust that people understand me or I want people to believe that I I know what I'm talking about because I can't trust that I'm confident enough of what I'm saying.

So I feel like I have to overexplain.

I have to say too much.

I have to make sure they know how much I know so that I can prove to them

that

I'm worthy and I'm worth something.

When you do that, when you overexplain, over-justify, it often causes you to lose control of the conversation.

It's spreading yourself too thin, right?

You want in conversation, particularly ones that are where you feel like you

need to have a like a gymnastics, I'm thinking of when they do the flips on the bars and they want to land without making any movement.

They don't want to step up, make a step.

They just make an impact and stick.

When you want that to happen, you have to have a very strong argument and stick to it.

Stick to it.

When you continue to bring up other points and counterpoints and kind of have this shotgun scatter approach to your conversation, it actually

it lessens the concentration of

the impact you're going to make, as well as, I guess you could say, the concentration of the other person.

It's going to be harder for them to understand you and the message gets lost.

So if you want to have more control in an argument, it doesn't matter if it's at the kitchen table or in the boardroom.

You have to make sure that you're not overexplaining because it is diluting, diluting your message.

So stick with just one point and have faith in that and trust in that to say that what I'm going to say can be short and concise and end in a period without a bunch of ellipses that could just continue on and on and on in a run-on sentence to where now I've lost my audience.

Now I've...

I've lost the listener.

Now I don't feel confident.

Now I feel like I've lost control because I'm starting to say too much and I feel like I always have to justify everything.

That is a very quick way for you to lose control.

So mistake number one, overexplaining and over justifying.

Point number two, reacting emotionally instead of pausing first.

I've said this once.

I'm going to keep saying it probably for the rest of my life.

Your breath.

What you're doing right now without even thinking of it.

Just right now, me saying that, I bet you're starting to think about your breath right now.

You actually, I said, whoa, I just took a breath, didn't I?

Yeah, you're catching yourself.

Yes, you're a human and your heart's still beating and you're moving and you're blinking and thinking and listening to me all at the same time.

Your breath has such a big impact on your mood and your emotional regulation and your ability to ground yourself.

If you do not ground yourself, you will not be in control.

I want you to think of a time right now where you've been upset, like really upset what somebody's done.

And when you started addressing it with them, most likely you came out of the gate.

If you didn't think about the conversation ahead of time, you came out of the gate really strong.

I've had that before, where you get so worked up and upset.

And the first time you have, the gate opens and you have a reaction.

And maybe you're yelling, maybe you're saying something that's way too harsh, and you're probably talking really quickly because your body is just reacting in that moment.

Taking a pause allows you to regain control.

I talk about this a lot in my book, The Next Conversation.

There's a whole section on say it with control.

All right.

And there's several chapters in that where we dive deep into taking a breath, a conversational breath, a physiological breath.

And let's do it right now.

In case you haven't heard this from me before, and even if you have, it's good to do.

Good for me too.

You ready?

This is a conversational breath.

So what you're going to do, we're going to do about three seconds in through the nose.

One more at the top.

And then out through your nose.

Now, what you're going to find by doing that is you're going to sense a little bit of tension just being released.

And the more you do it,

the more power, more control you're going to feel of yourself.

and in the conversation because you are regulated.

Your prefrontal cortex is staying engaged.

You're not being emotionally flooded.

Because when you are emotionally flooded and you're completely emotionally wrapped into the argument, not only do you lose control, but it makes you predictable.

So very predictable.

Because the other person knows right

at the very outset.

Where your trigger is and it's like when you have that reaction, you're not only showing them the button,

you're spit shining it.

You're making it shiny for them and putting it right out in front to say, yeah, just go ahead.

If you want more control in this argument, just go ahead and push my button, please.

It makes you predictable.

You know these people in your life

that have, let's say, a temper problem

or

they lack some sense of emotional maturity.

And you know, if you bring up one thing, or you talk about a certain thing, they will absolutely fly off the handle.

Now, I'm not talking about things that

you need to put a boundary up and these are things that these are triggers, actual trauma triggers for you.

I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking just everyday things that somebody just loses their cool.

When you are big time overly emotional, it shows that you lack control.

It shows that you lack the emotional depth to be able to hold space for, to be able to contain it.

It means

you don't have a very deep well to hold these things.

Everything is very much at the surface.

It doesn't have anywhere to sink or grow.

So when you feel like you're losing control or you're afraid you're going to lose control, what I want you to do is take that breath.

It's going to allow you to pause.

There is so much power in a pause.

Spoken about this a lot.

Again, I will always talk about this because it never gets old.

When you pause, before you respond, you maintain control versus allowing yourself to get flooded and have a big emotional overreaction that is just giving away your power to the other person.

All right.

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And now, back to the episode.

And number three, you lose control when you feel the silence rather than waiting for the other person.

Be comfortable with silence.

Have you ever been in an interview?

This happens a lot.

It certainly happens a lot for me in depositions when I'm taking depositions of witnesses and parties.

And

I might pause after somebody responds to me, answers one of my questions, and I just wait.

And you know what happens nine times out of ten?

They keep talking.

They don't like the silence.

They're not comfortable with it, So they keep giving me an answer, assuming that what they said wasn't enough.

And I've had it a lot where they start telling me stuff that's better than what they originally told me.

So their second answer that they are saying unprompted was

more information than what they originally had.

And I didn't have to do anything.

Or like an interview, maybe, where somebody asks you an interview question and you respond.

And they don't say anything right away.

So you feel like, oh, I guess I didn't say enough.

So I gotta keep talking.

Stop.

Don't.

Don't feel the silence.

Understand that if they have a question,

they have the agency and the power to ask.

And if they're not happy with your answer, you know what they can do?

They can ask a question for more information, to clarify, to have a different answer.

They can do that within their ability.

It is not on you to continue to fill every silence.

Be comfortable with that.

When you fill every silence, if you plug every hole,

it's giving away your power.

It's just, it's, it's leaking out because you're not being confident in what you said.

Like we talked about with the over-explaining and justifying, just use a period, not the ellipses.

You don't have to fill every hole.

When you get comfortable with silence,

see what I did.

Don't worry,

Your music player is doing fine.

That was a dramatic pause.

Whenever you are comfortable with silence,

there is a strength in you that happens.

So I want you to practice, maybe today, maybe tomorrow.

When you're on the phone with somebody, I want you just to,

let's do it both ways.

One, I want you to see how silence works.

I want you to, whenever you're talking to a friend, maybe, just pause in your sentence for three seconds.

And it could be as simple as this: as if you're just talking to a friend and you said, Yeah, you know what?

I really had a good day.

And you know what?

I was thinking about

what was important in my life.

That's an example.

Three seconds, easy.

And you see how that pause made it feel so much different?

Second of all, When somebody else is talking to you and they give a pause in the conversation, wait.

Wait three to five seconds.

See if they have anything more to say.

But don't put it on yourself or your responsibility to continue to carry that conversation.

Silence serves a purpose.

And whenever you don't allow that to happen, not only are you cutting off the chance for connection, the chance for more information that you had otherwise,

you're cutting off your ability to conserve your power and conserve your control in that conversation.

Today,

I like today's episode.

Today's all about maintaining control, making sure you don't lose your control.

The top three communication mistakes that are causing you to lose control.

Number one, we talked about how over-explaining and justifying starts to dilute your message rather than having a concentrated argument that you're going to stay on point.

and being confident in that rather than spreading yourself thin.

Number two, we talked about not having the overreaction where you're showing everybody your button and every time you react, you're making yourself what?

Predictable.

And that can harm you and lose your control.

And number three, at the end of the day, silence is positive.

Silence is something that says more than anything our words can ever say.

And don't feel like you have to feel the silence.

If you don't want to lose your control, Be comfortable with silence.

Use it.

And don't feel like it's a negative thing that you have to step in front of.

Get comfortable with it.

All right.

I hope you have a great day.

As always, you can try that and follow me.